Rarity trots downstairs, glancing at the clipboard floating next to her. “Twilight, it’s Hearth’s Warming Eve, are you sure we should do this today of all days? We should be spending today with those we hold dear, not fighting for our lives against some horror from beyond time and space. Besides, maybe we’ll get lucky and Santa Hooves will just take the monster away.” In the living room, Twilight examines two devices, one long and jagged, and the other short and blunt.
“That’s exactly why we should do it today,” Twilight says checking the reading on the short blunt device. “I want to get you the perfect Hearth’s Warming gift, and there’s nothing better than a monster-free town. Besides, the EM Mk. I is fully charged so I really have to get this done in the next four hours unless I want to spend the next two days recharging the energy crystals.”
“I know,” Rarity says, sighing and trotting the rest of the way downstairs to kiss her marefriend, savoring the warmth of Twilight’s breath on her neck. “Still, you can’t blame me for wanting my marefriend safe by my side on Hearth’s Warming Eve instead of leading a battle against… that thing.”
Twilight kisses Rarity’s cheek. “Don’t worry, I’ve got the modified sonic rifle and the Energy Manipulator Mk. I. I’ll be back in time for Hearth’s Warming dinner..”
“Yes, actually, I’ve been meaning to ask you about the EM Mk. I for a while. How exactly did you manage to build a device that can so deftly manipulate this town’s… energy fields in less than a week,” Rarity asks.
“Well, it’s not that good yet,” Twilight says, adjusting one of the dials on it. “Sure, it can form a psychic connection with the unicorn using it and tap into the world’s ambient energy fields without risking… contamination, but I still can’t get any real observable data to see what’s wrong with this town’s energy fields. I just have Trixie’s report to work off of.”
Rarity frowns. “Twilight, darling, that’s… really quite impressive. How did you come up with this again?”
Twilight’s right eye twitches. “I… I don’t know. They just come to me, the ideas come in from the tip of my horn, trickle down inside my head, and if I ever need a book, I can always find it somewhere in my room.”
“Yes,” Rarity says, glancing up in the direction of Twilight’s room. “You’re room’s turned into quite the little library, hasn’t it? Amazing you were able to take so many during your one trip to the library.”
“I guess I’m just lucky,” Twilight says, smiling at Rarity. “Without all those books, there’s no way I could’ve modified your sonic rifle or made the Energy Manipulator, or anything…” The beeping of the EM Mk. I draws her attention back to it. “Anyways, I’ve really got to get going.” She stops and kisses Rarity on the cheek. “And you should get going too, Pony Vale needs somepony to be the voice of the revolution. Besides, where would I be without your voice in the back of my head?”
“That’s a very good question,” Rarity says, struggling to keep a frown from forming on her face. “Promise me we’ll talk after all this is said and done?”
“Of course,” Twilight says, pricking her hoof with a needle and pressing the bleeding hoof against the bloodstone doors. “But I’ve really got to get going, so…”
“Good luck,” Rarity says, as her marefriend trots out into the snow-covered streets of Pony Vale. She frowns as the door rolls shut. “I very much fear we’ll both need it.” She glances back at her clipboard and yells. “Lyra, is everything almost ready?”
“Just a few more minutes,” Lyra yells from the control booth as Rarity trots upstairs. “Getting this thing rigged to send out a pulse at… 327 MHz like Twilight wants is kind of tricky. It’s a way higher frequency than–”
“I know,” Rarity says interrupting Lyra as she reaches the top of the stairs. “I designed this station, you don’t need to tell me what it can and can’t do.”
“Geeze, sorry,” Lyra says, peeking her head out from the control booth. “No need to bite my head off.”
Rarity sits down at her spot in the broadcast room and sighs, floating her cup of tea towards her. “I know, Lyra, I’m just… Something tells me I should be worried about Twilight.”
“Well, yeah, she’s going off to fight a blob monster and that crazy stage magician. If Bon-Bon was in her shoes, I’d be worried too. That’s like… Super crazy,” Lyra says, ducking back under the control panel. “Still, she took out the PVAB, I bet she can handle one measly horror from beyond space and time. Oh… and a crazy magician.”
“That’s… actually not what I was worried about,” Rarity says, her frown deepening. “Although, yes, now that you mention it, I should be worried about that as well. Thank you for reminding me.”
“Alright then, what are you worried about? That the scientists in the secret lab under the town will force her to join them? Because I’m pretty sure they abduct entire families when they’re recruiting so… Hey, you’ll get to live in a super-secret lab under Pony Vale if you want to.”
“Again, not what I was worried about, it’s just... “ Rarity rubs her forehead. “Have you seen the number of books in Twilight’s room? I know she didn’t bring that many with her from the library, so where are they coming from? And when she sleeps at night… I swear she whispers things just a bit too quiet for me to really hear. Also... “ Rarity pauses as her stomach drops out from beneath her. “What happened to her lizard pet, and why hasn’t Twilight noticed? Why hasn’t anypony noticed? Why can’t I remember anything about it?”
“Yeah,” Lyra says, getting out from under the control panel. “What was up with that thing? Like, I remember it trotting around here for a few weeks, but now… Totally just gone. Weird, right?”
Rarity sighs. “Yes, dear, the word ‘weird’ isn’t exactly what I’d use, but it’s certainly accurate. Oh, Twilight will simply kill me if some alien horror ate it while I wasn’t looking. Maybe… Hopefully she won’t notice it’s gone while we find it.”
“How long do you think that will take?” Lyra asks, flipping a few switches on the control panel. “Because, we’re kind of on a tight schedule right now. Twilight wants you on air to… You know, rally the troops and keep an eye on the situation.”
“I wasn’t suggesting we do it now, just… we need to do it soon. Preferably after we’ve saved the town from the thing. Now then, shall we?” Rarity says, taking one last sip of her tea and placing her clipboard of news next to her microphone as the on-air light flips on.
“Citizens, arise. Today, we take back our town. Today, we take a stand against the horrors that plague us. Today, we are victorious! Welcome to Pony Vale.”
***
[Fanfare plays in the background]
Everypony, our weeks of being subjugated by the horror from beyond space and time are at an end. Today, we force it to leave our fair townand take revenge against the stage magician who summoned it. Today, my wonderful perfect marefriend Twilight Sparkle leads us to triumph against adversity. Citizens, emerge from your houses and head towards Artillery Hill. We need as many ponies as we can in this fight, and unlike the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade, my marefriend is actually concerned about collateral damage. Evacuate town as quickly as you can, and take care not to look directly at the horror beyond time and space. It’s visage is hazardous to most ponies’ health.
Citizens, I must tell you, the recently renamed Artillery Hill is a marvel to behold. The artillery emplacements have been fortified, and the weather team has restationed there after Twilight and her bomb squad freed them from their bunker.
Speaking of the bomb squad, if you lost somepony to the PVAB, you can redeem three punches that are good against any member of the bomb squad. This offer does not stack if you lost multiple ponies to the PVAB’s bombardment, so use those three punches carefully. The town council will supply the names of the PVAB’s leadership when the council emerges from its bunker/resort, so I would suggest we all redeem those punches against the ponies at the top. I would also recommend we also redeem these punches all at once in a public place, perhaps Jubilee Park?
Also, if any vengeful family members have any radio equipment just… laying around, try not to broadcast at the 2400 MHz range as that will cause the bomb collars fashioned to the members of the bomb squad’s necks to detonate, and we wouldn’t want that to happen. Also, on a completely unrelated note, the members of the bomb squad have had their citizenship revoked by the town council, so if something terribly tragic were to happen to them, it wouldn’t be a crime in the eyes of the Pony Vale government. Well, isn’t that interesting?
Today is Hearth’s Warming Eve, so assuming at least some of us survive today’s battle, do you know what that means? That’s right, Santa Hooves is coming to town to take something from all the good fillies and colts and give something to all the bad ponies in town. I wonder what he’ll take this year: An illness, the sting of loss, an eye, a parent, death? Who knows. And what will he give us: A broken leg, a monster, pain, toys, sheep’s entrails, an illness, a parent, why the possibilities are absolutely endless, and I can’t help but wonder whether I’ll be getting something or losing something this year.
Now, for the past few years, our town as a whole has been judged naughty by Santa Hooves, so we’ve gotten various big gifts from him. A few years ago, we got that bloody miasma that refused to leave our town, a few years before that, we got the plague, and I’m sure we all remember when he gave our town the gift of night howlers. However, I really think we might have a chance of getting on his nice list this year. Why… we’ve completed all our sacrifices on time, we managed to save ourselves on numerous occasions, and I really think that if we can get rid of this monster on our own, Santa Hooves might come and take something from us this year instead of giving it. Perhaps if we’re really lucky, he might even take away the library… or better yet, Sugarcube Corner.
Listeners, as I speak, the members of the weather team are cutting open the last few sealed doors in Pony Vale. If you are still trapped by the fleshy growth that cocooned our town, and didn’t cut your way free with the butane torch that should be in your house for use in exactly these types of emergencies – and that we all seem to have forgotten recently – a member of the weather team is cutting you free now.
Back at Artillery Hill, members of the weather team are arming themselves with flamethrowers and assault rifles to fight the monster, and blindfolds to keep from seeing the monster. It’s certainly not the ideal way to head into battle, but it’s… an unfortunate necessity given the current situation. Above Artillery Hill, the weather team’s airship is tethered. The last few explosive ordinances are being loaded aboard, and soon it will launch, hoping to find a vulnerable spot on the horror from beyond time. Piloting the airship will be the only mare who’s shown any resistance to the creature’s image, our mailmare, Ditzy Doo. Well, that’s certainly unexpected, but… I suppose her eyes were always a little special, so… I’m just glad we have somepony who can kind of see to pilot our ship, even if her depth perception is… limited.
The Apple Family is carting in apples to feed our citizens before they head to battle. Strange that they have fresh apples during the winter, but I’m sure it has something to do with this secret ingredient the weather team asked Applejack to add. What that secret ingredient might be, I have no idea, but I’m sure it will give our citizens that extra oomph needed to fight the horror from beyond time, so if you’re feeling peckish and want to help the assault, head to the Sweet Apple Acres wagon and grab an apple. Mhmm apples. They sure are tasty.
Anypony who doesn’t want to join the assault to take our town back, please head to Fluttershy’s cottage. Several winged unicorns are staying behind to keep the protective shield up, a few more are standing by to protect this station from any potential friendly fire, and the rest will be serving to shield the assault team and airship.
Listeners, the town council has an issued a statement to be read before the battle starts, let’s see:
[Rarity clears her throat]
Blood will be spilled. The fields will be fertilized. Our town shall be coated in the bodies of the broken. Mortals, despair. Despair and lament at the ending of your short wretched lives. Abandon hope and bow the knee to the marauding horror. There is no hope. There is no survival. Make peace with your gods. Good luck.
Did you hear that, listeners? They wished us good luck. Why, if that doesn’t lift your spirits on the eve of a potentially suicidal battle, I don’t know what will. Ooh! Speaking of good news, my marefriend Twilight is addressing the citizens, let’s hear what she has to say.
I know some of you are scared. Being scared of… whatever’s sitting in the center of town is a completely normal and healthy reaction. Being scared is okay. What’s not okay is sitting back and doing nothing because of that fear. What’s not okay is letting the darkness of the arcane and unknown consume us. Every hour, every minute, every second, we let that thing stay in our town is a failure, because it means we tacitly accept and fear the unknown. That’s not what Pony Vale is about. Pony Vale is about understanding. Pony Vale is about banishing the horrors of the unknown and the arcane with the burning light of scientific understanding. I’ve come to accept and embrace that wonderful facet of this strange town, and I’m not about to let any “horror from beyond the depths of time” take that away from this town. It’s time we banish that thing from our town and push it back into the darkness beyond time and space! For science! For reason! For Pony Vale!
Oh, I have goosebumps right now, listeners. You should really see her, she’s waving her… well, my sonic rifle in the air, and who knew she was such a good public speaker? Well, it makes sense, I suppose, she’s just so wonderful at everything, it would be silly to imagine her failing at something. She’s certainly gotten me ready to fight an entity from another dimension. Citizens are following her towards the town as the winged unicorns fly above them, flanking the weather team’s airship. Listeners, the fight will soon be upon us! Our town will soon be saved!
Ooh! Listeners, I have a press release in my hooves. I’m not sure how I managed to acquire it, but… let’s see. Oh, apparently the Institute of Lost and Forgotten Things is opening a branch in Pony Vale. They specialize in recovering that which has been lost… Hmm, perhaps they could help me find something I’ve recently lost track of. This is certainly exciting, listeners. Assuming we survive this coming battle, I’m sure the Institute will have plenty of empty land to build on, and you know, we could always use more business.
Business is such an important part of the community, but so often it’s neglected. While I’m all for local government, we can’t neglect the entrepreneurs that generate wealth for our community and give us local institutions such as the End of All Things Bookstore, our town’s number one supplier of blank books; the Burning Pit of Despair, a fun family-friendly restaurant; and Carousel Boutique, the…
[Buzzing in background]
I’m sorry listeners, my head is suddenly throbbing, and I find myself unable to finish… whatever I was thinking about. It’s as if there are a hundred hornets in my skull, jabbing their stingers deeper and deeper into my brain, tearing apart neural pathways, and…
[Buzzing reaches a crescendo before fading away]
What was I talking about, listeners? Oh, right, business. Business is such an… Hmm, apparently somepony scratched through my show notes and wrote false memories, false names, false ponies, the false town must be purged in the name of the Founder. Well, that’s certainly interesting. Do you think they’re talking about the town founder or…
Twilight! Trixie’s portal is opening, and shadows are coming forth, slipping across the ground and heading towards the army. I’m not sure what they can do, but I would imagine they should be dealt with as quickly as possible.
[Rarity sighs]
I hate myself for saying this, but perhaps you should head there now and deal with her while the rest of the army fights the horror from beyond space and time. You are the only pony in town equipped to deal with her, and the longer she has to do whatever she’s doing, the worse the fight will be for the rest of town. Just… be careful. If you want to fight Trixie, take a left at the next street, and then a right three streets later. She’ll be in the first ominous, green, glowing portal on your left.
[An explosion booms in the background]
Ah! And for those of you who didn’t hear that, the artillery has opened fire, and I think we scored several hits, I would check to see, but… I can’t for reasons I shouldn’t have to explain. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like the monster has responded to our barrage at all, so... that’s rather disheartening. Don’t despair though, listeners, there are several more plans in motion, and I am confident that by the end of the day, this monster will leave our town. Either that or we will all die in the attempt.
Oh! Was that not mentioned? Apparently, the science lab granted the town council one of those wonderful fusion devices they were testing a few weeks – or a few months – ago, and the council plans to use it if the situation hasn’t resolved itself by tonight, saying that, “Everyone in this town should be safe from fear. Everyone in this town should be able to go outside without fearing death. This fusion device grants us the freedom from fear we so desperately need. This fusion device will grant us all the ultimate freedom as our atoms are freed from their bonds.”
Isn’t that… marvelous listeners? If we fail to save the town today, we always have a backup backup backup plan that will probably kill the monster and almost certainly… Actually, I don’t quite know what they mean when they mention freeing our atoms from their bonds, but something tells me it’s a rather drastic measure. I will have to ask Twilight more about that when I see her next… assuming I see her next. Lyra, is that “special” broadcast ready?
It is? Wonderful. Artillery, hold your fire until we transmit the signal. Miss Doo, don’t let the sharpshooters fire until we have… Actually, as I say this, I realize having sharpshooters aim at the monster might not be the most successful of endeavors. I suppose just… tell the sharpshooters to blindfold themselves and fly around until they hit the monster. Once they do that, just kind of shoot at it at point blank range. That could possibly work. It could also be incredibly dangerous, because I’m not sure pegasi are supposed to fly blind, especially when there’s a terrible monster with a thousand groping maws and a thousand more gnashing teeth in the area, but… who knows, maybe it’s digestive system is particularly vulnerable.
While Miss Doo plans out the logistics of what I’m dubbing Operation: Flying Blind, my darling Twilight has reached the mouth of the portal and is pointing her – what is it? – Energy Manipulator at it. There are some flashing lights, not sure what those mean, and now she’s trotting into the portal. Good luck, Twilight! Also, do you think you could create a portal we could evacuate the town into? You know, if it’s sundown and the situation is still unresolved? Just food for thought, dear. Now go show that showmare just what science can do. I love you!
[Rarity clears her throat]
Oh, I do apologize for that bout of unprofessionalism, but what could I do? We are fighting for our town’s existence, and I think it’s important we tell the ponies in our life what we really think of them. If there’s a pony you love near you, be sure to tell them how you feel. Who knows when you’ll get a chance to again? Go on, tell them you love them.
[Silence]
Doesn’t that feel better, listeners? Like a weight has been lifted from your chest? Love is such an important thing, especially during the holidays, so let’s just remember that love while we fight for our town. Whatever compels you to fight today, be it love for friends, family, or the town itself, hold it close in your heart today. Believe in it. This is Hearth’s Warming Eve, if we forget love now, we are nothing but barbaric animals. If we forget love now, we might save Pony Vale, but our town will certainly lose it’s soul. So hold onto love as you take your positions and prepare to murder a horrifying monster.
Well, most of our army is in position. They’ve blindly groped their ways to the monster’s position and have placed the barrel of their weapons directly against it. The rest of our citizens are blindly wandering around the town. Everypony, on my mark.
Lyra, are you ready?
Get set!
Fire!
[Static crackles in the background]
Don’t stop firing, everypony, this is our chance to save the town. Yes, there might be some casualties, Miss Doo, it seems, has been swallowed up by one of the monster’s many maws, and several other citizens have been grasped by… something, but we can’t stop now. This is liberation day! This is Hearth’s Warming Eve! Today, let’s give ourselves the greatest gift we can: A future.
[Many mouths wail in unison]
Listener’s… I think… Listener’s, it’s wail is ripping into my mind. I see… a circle, turning to a sphere, turning into something unfathomable, and then shifting into something that’s… somehow even more incomprehensible. Everypony… I… Everypony in the field is cowering, grasping at their heads for some relief. Lyra has collapsed at her desk, and… I don’t know how much longer I can keep my focus, so… until… Listeners… The weather.
***
Darkness surrounds Twilight. Up ahead, she sees blue lights flickering and flowing around each other. Drawing her sonic rifle close and hiding the EM Mk. I behind her, she trots towards the lights. After either a minute or an hour of walking, she reaches the lights. Trixie basks under a giant blue stage light.
“Come one and all, come and see, the Great and Powerful Trixie accepts all challengers to the title of ‘World’s Greatest Magician,’ but who could ever hope to compete with her?” Trixie says, giving her cape a dramatic flourish as she addresses an unknown audience. “She has been blessed by Him, a being whose power is so incredibly vast that you are less than insects to him.
“Alright,” Twilight says, trotting into the light. “Well, I don’t know if I’m much of a magician anymore, but I think I make a pretty decent scientist.” She flips a switch on her sonic rifle and speaks into it. “Surrender. Tell Twilight what you saw when you looked at Pony Vale’s energy field. Obey all commands given by Twilight. Surrender. Tell Twilight what you saw when you looked at Pony Vale’s energy field. Obey all commands given by Twilight. Surrender.”
“And just what do you think you’re doing?” Trixie asks, rolling her eyes. “Is this your grand plan to upstage Trixie? Just telling her what to do?”
Twilight flips another switch and pulls the rifle’s trigger, a grin breaking out on her face. “Oh! No, I wasn’t… Well, I guess I kind of was telling you what to do. Actually, it’s really cool. See, I’m sure you noticed how your horn kept picking up all those radio broadcasts, right?” Twilight pauses and tilts her head, listening. “I guess you can’t hear them here, but out there, I’m sure they annoyed you. I remember how when I first came here, it felt like somepony was just yelling in my head.”
She keeps her eyes and the rifle trained on Trixie, watching as Trixie’s eyes glaze over. “Right! So anyways, I really needed you to tell me what you saw, but after our first encounter, I thought you might be a bit difficult, so I modified this to beam a message through your horn and right into your subconscious, pretty nifty huh? And the best part is, as long as I keep the trigger held down, it will just keep repeating that message, kind of creating an irresistible compulsion. Now, after a minute, the compulsion should become your own, so you’ll think you’re doing what I want out of your own volition, but… obviously I couldn’t test that out without some pretty major ethical violations, so I don’t know if that works 100%, so I’m sorry you have to be my guinea pig for this. I really hope you’re okay..”
Behind Twilight, the EM Mk. I drifts towards Trixie. In her mind’s eye, Twilight imagines strands of ambient world energy flowing through Trixie. Carefully, she plucks the strands away and twists them into a cocoon binding the showmare and cutting her off from the world’s energy. A part of Twilight heaves and screams at the idea of destroying a unicorn’s connection to the world’s magical field, but the rest of her remembers that magic is merely an obstacle in the path of scientific understanding.
“Shoot!” Twilight says, trying to keep Trixie’s mind occupied as both her tools do their work. “You know what, I really should’ve tested this out on some members of the bomb squad. I mean, they killed hundreds of ponies. Of course, they only killed hundreds of ponies because you summoned that thing here, so… hard to say who’s worse. Anyways…” She depresses the trigger to the sonic rifle. “What do you feel like doing now, Trixie?”
The mare stares straight ahead and opens her mouth, her voice a flat monotone. “Surrender. Tell Twilight what I saw when I looked at Pony Vale’s energy field. Obey–”
Twilight throws her head back and laughs. “Great! Field trial of the modified sonic rifle is a complete success. Make sure the town council doesn’t find out about this technology. In the wrong hooves, this could definitely be pretty dangerous. Anyways, Trixie, what did you see? You mentioned something had twisted the town’s laylines?”
Trixie nods. “Yes. It was tall, taller than a mountain. Tall enough to pierce the sun. And it stared down at Trixie with great burning green eyes. Showed her what was… Showed her things beyond us and ordered her to open a rift between the worlds. Open a rift large enough for Pony Vale to fall through.” Trixie winces. “His eyes, they burned Trixie. His voice rang out and ripped Trixie apart, leaving nothing behind. He… It told Trixie if she followed his orders, she would become Great and Powerful. He made it so that was all Trixie wanted. Trixie… She obeyed his commands. It’s the only thing she could do.”
“Great!” Twilight says, nodding enthusiastically and wishing she’d brought her notepad with her. “Do you remember what he looks like?”
Trixie screams. “No! Agh… He looked…” She bites at her tongue. “Like… Nothing. Nothing describes him. Please don’t make Trixie remember.”
“Alright,” Twilight says, flipping another switch on the modified sonic rifle. “So… I’m really sorry for making you see that, and I’m even sorrier for making you remember all that, but… I had to, Trixie. I need to know what I’m dealing with. I need to understand everything.” She speaks into the microphone again. “Leave this town. Never come back. Forget everything that happened here. Forget this town exists. Leave this town. Never come back. Forget everything that happened here. Forget this town exists.”
Twilight flashes Trixie a tiny smile as she pulls the trigger again. “At the very least, you won’t have to remember this anymore, so… really, you’re kind of lucky. If you’re not careful, this town can kind of make you crazy..” She glances back at the portal to town as Trixie’s memories of Pony Vale are crushed. “Oh, I hope the rest of the town is doing okay.”
***
Well listeners, it seems… we’ve failed. Our invasion faltered, the airship crashed, and most of our citizens are now collapsed in the town’s square after falling to the creature’s psychic assault. If you can get out of town, do it now. I don’t know what the fusion device will bring, but I doubt anypony will want to be here to–
[A window shatters]
Waaaaaaait!
Listeners, it’s… Miss Doo, I thought that horrid monster ate you. How did you get here?
It didn’t eat me. It wanted to talk with me. It tried to talk with all of you, but then you just started screaming and collapsing. How could you not understand him? He even tried to show you how to think with that circle thing.
I… I don’t follow. Are you… What did the circles have to do with anything?
It was trying to show you how many dimensions you needed to think in. A circle is to a sphere what a sphere is to… I guess you’d call the next thing a 3-sphere, and then a 3-sphere is to a 4-sphere. All you had to do to understand it was think five dimensionally.
[Silence]
Ditzy… Most ponies can’t think five dimensionally. It’s not just a mental switch we can flip.
Really? Then how do you get anywhere without using the… Not important. Anyways, the important thing is he doesn’t want to destroy our town, he just wants to move here. Well, I say he, but really the proper gendered word doesn’t actually exist in… any known language. He told me the right term, but it’s pretty much indescribable.
I’m sorry… Why does he want to move here?
Uh… duh, the places beyond time and space aren’t exactly the best for raising a family, especially since his wife left him, so he swallowed his son up and headed to Pony Vale. He had to wait a while to get here since the door was closed, but then somepony opened the door and he headed on through.
And you know all this… how? Exactly?
Obviously, he told me when I was in his communication pod. Again, you probably couldn’t understand it unless you’re familiar with five-dimensional thinking, but… Actually, he’s really sweet. He even asked what I was doing for the tri-fold celestial equinox.
So… he doesn’t want to take our town over? What about the flesh sacs he coated the city with?
Oh! Welcoming gifts. He didn’t want to move here and not get the town something, so he gave us a bunch of flesh. Apparently it’s a pretty popular gift in the other worlds. He feels really terrible that we didn’t understand the gift.
And why… why was he just sitting in the center of town? For two weeks?
He didn’t want to accidentally trespass on somepony else’s property, so he was waiting for our emissary to show him where he could stay. All of this was just a huge misunderstanding.
Well, in that case, don’t I feel embarrassed. All this time we thought we had an invader, when in reality we had a brand new citizen. Well, Ditzy, what’s the name of our newest resident?
Well, you can’t really pronounce it without a few hundred more mouths and an ability to make sounds that don’t exist in this dimension, and even if you could do that it would take a thousand years to even pronounce the first syllable of his true name, so… he’s just good with whatever. Also, he wants to know if it’s too late to enroll his son. I told him he could probably start next semester.
[Energy crackles]
I’m back! Did we kill the monster? Is the town saved?
Actually, Ditzy Doo here was just telling us how the monster isn’t a monster at all. All he wants is to move here and raise his son in peace. All of this was a massive misunderstanding.
But… Wait, he didn’t kill anypony, did he?
No, he did not. All our fatalities during this war were… entirely self inflicted.
But… this can’t be right. He forced Trixie to open the portal and drove her crazy.
Actually, he… didn’t. He just thought the door opened because we saw him waiting there.
But then… what made her open the door? Ugh, I need to get my hooves on some more books. They have all the answers.
[Rarity sighs]
I’m sure they’ll turn up… Oh! Excuse me, a letter from the town council just appeared. Let’s see, “While we welcome our newest citizen with open arms, we regret to inform you that we have already deployed the fusion device in an attempt to save Pony Vale. The device has been deployed in the remains of town hall and you have thirty minutes to evacuate. We apologize for the inconvenience and wish you all the happiest of holidays.”
What?!
Really?
Oh… dear. Well, listeners. You heard the council, we need to get as far away from the town as possible. While the scrublands to our south are barely hospitable, they’re certainly more hospitable than the Everfree Forest, so try to head south. Hopefully some of us will survive. Sweetie, if you’re listening, don’t wait for me, just head south as fast as you can. See if you can’t find one of the winged unicorns to help you.
[Sleigh bells ring]
Wonderful, and now we have Santa Hooves. I wonder what he will give our town this year. Certainly, it can’t be any worse than a fusion device. Listeners, it has been an honor serving you and–
Wait! What’s he doing?
Listeners, for the first time in years, Santa Hooves is taking something from our town instead of giving it something. He’s packing the fusion device into a box and shoving it into his Sack of Many Things. It’s a Hearth’s Warming Eve miracle, listeners. Go out, celebrate with your loved ones, welcome our town’s newest resident – but please don’t look at him – and say thank you to Santa Hooves as he gives or takes your Hearth’s Warming gifts.
From all of us who work so hard to bring the news to you, I just want to wish you all a happy holidays.
Happy Hearth’s Warming, Pony Vale. Happy Hearth’s Warming.