Artex grinned at Razor,
"Thanks, I really appreciate this. I'm going to go check up with my adopted family until it's time... Uh, what time would you like me to come by and pick you up?"
"Seven." Razor quipped without thinking.
Artex nodded and stood up, leaving his invention on the table,
"Sounds good." he bent down next to the couch and retrieved his cloak and khopesh then turned toward the door,
"Suey! Come here girl!"
The usual scramble of hooves on the floor met his call as the still young Great Pig rose from her bed excitedly. Artex opened the front door and Suey charged through like a runaway locomotive.
Artex turned back to Razor and smiled,
"Until this evening my lady." he finished with a bow then stepped out, closing the door behind him.
Razor waited until the door was closed then raised a hoof and fanned herself frantically, blush spread all over her face. She was so focused on the door that she forgot Twilight was still in the room with her. Twilight zeroed in on the actions of the tan Unicorn mare and hid a knowing smirk.
"Razor," she began.
Razor Wit jumped almost out of her seat at the sound of Twilight's voice,
"Ah! Oh Princess, I uh... I forgot you were there."
Twilight could hold the grin back no longer,
"So," she began slowly walking toward Razor, "You and Artex huh?" she was rewarded as Razor's face heated up even more, "Just the two of you... together... out for a romantic dinner... a date, in fact..." by that point Razor's entire head was red as a beat so Twilight decided to show the poor mare some mercy and cut to the chase as it were, "How long have you been after him?"
Razor's ears stood up straight as tent poles and her pupils dilated as she turned away from the lavender Alicorn,
"I... I don't find Human males attractive." she squeaked weakly.
Twilight rolled her eyes and shook her head,
"I never asked if you were attracted to Human males, I asked about Artex, who is not an average Human male." she began trotting around the couch Razor was laying on, "In fact, he's a stallion in all but body. Most of his organs are now closer to ours than a Human, he eats like us... he could very easily he considered a stallion, and a desirable one too."
Razor's head turned toward Twilight at a speed that Rainbow Dash would envy,
"Desirable? Do... do you really think mares would find him desirable?"
Twilight shrugged but continued circling the couch like a shark,
"He's brave, he was brave enough to be the first Human to seek us out. He's smart enough to learn our language and think in terms that are unusual or uncomfortable to him. He's rather well-known, being the Emissary after all. He has an Earth Pony's strength, and a Unicorn's ability to use magic, and powerfully so. He also has enough character to live as a lone Human among us and was even adopted by a very prominent family and he's designing an invention that will likely revolutionize the speed of urgent communication. He certainly has his flaws, but I think that once mares realize he's 'on the market', they'll come running."
Razor's ears dropped at the same time as her head,
"Yeah," she said sadly, "And I'll bet they'll all be really pretty too."
Twilight continued circling the couch,
"And he won't care one bit. He doesn't see the same things we do as desirable or attractive. He'll have to deal with tons and tons of mares who all think their looks will draw him in. Only for them to be disappointed when he turns them down flat. Then he'll find one or two who he genuinely likes, but they'll be after him for his money or renown. He'll figure it out and then he'll end up heartbroken and the mares will look bad too..."
Razor finally realized what Twilight was trying to do, and it hurt for some reason,
"O.K., O.K., I get it!" she huffed, "If I'm with him I can help guide him to mares who will actually care about a relationship and ones he'll care about in turn."
Twilight stopped directly in front of Razor and stared her in the eyes,
"But only if you're there to help him. He has already admitted that you're ideal for him, but he needs to see that you feel the same way. He needs to see you as more than his best friend, he needs to see you as a mare, a mare who cares about him. He needs to know, Razor. He deserves to know. Just going along with this will help him, yes, but it's going to hurt you. You're willing to go along with this because it will help him. You're willing to be hurt, badly, just to see him happy. You deserve to be happy too." Twilight took a step back and finished, "I've had an idea that you were interested in him for quite a while, but today solidified that. It confirmed your feelings." she spoke softly, "Tell him."
Razor's head drooped steeply, her chin on her chest,
"I can't." she said in a small voice, "I can't Twilight. To him... I'm just a friend. I don't want to... to ruin that. We work well together, we're a team and... and if I say something, if I tell him... everything will be different." small tears slid down her cheeks at the admission.
"But what if it's a different that is actually good? What if it's what will make him happy?" Twilight countered, "With you by his side, he'll have somepony to guide him and help him. It'll be one less spot for him to fill at the very least." she stepped up and placed a comforting hoof on Razor's shoulder, "You both deserve to be happy Razor Wit. Even if it doesn't work, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Artex values you way to much to abandon you as a friend. He already depends on you for support. If you don't try, you'll never know."
Razor sniffled and wiped her nose with her left foreleg,
"I... I really do want to tell him, but I need to be sure he sees me as more than a friend. How do I make myself desirable for him?"
Twilight removed her hoof from Razor's shoulder,
"I have no idea." at her proclamation Razor wilted almost completely, "But I'll bet Rarity could. She knows much more than I do about romance."
Razor looked up slightly, hope filling her eyes,
"You really think so?"
Twilight smiled reassuringly at the tan mare,
"I'm certain."
* * *
Rarity was in her inspiration room when she heard the telltale ring of her door's bell,
"Just a minute!" she chimed cheerfully as she set down the scissors, needle, thread, and pins cushion she was levitating.
She tossed her mane, double checking to make sure it had just the right amount of bounce and body before she stepped out into her sales floor. As she stepped around the corner, she spotted an eager looking Twilight and a rather anxious looking Razor Wit with tear streaks down her cheeks, 'Why in the world has she been crying?' Rarity wondered, 'And how could she go outside in THAT state?'
Without realizing it, Rarity had stopped mid-step with her left forehoof still in the air,
"Why darling, whatever is the matter? You've been crying!" she levitated a handkerchief out of her inspiration room and over to Razor, "Here, wipe your eyes dear. I get the feeling this is going to take a while. Why don't the two of you join me in the kitchen and I'll heat up a kettle of tea."
Rarity turned and headed on back toward her kitchen in the rear of the boutique. Twilight followed the white Unicorn without a moment's hesitation. Razor wiped her eyes, then her face with the handkerchief before following along. By the time she reached the kitchen, Twilight was already seated at the table with Rarity sitting next to her. Somehow in a matter of half a minute, Rarity had put a kettle on the stove and had a full spread for a proper tea ready and waiting on the table.
Razor took a seat across from the alabaster fashionista and set the handkerchief down on the table,
"Thank you Rarity. I... I don't feel really right about asking you about this since we don't know each other very well..."
"Think nothing of it darling. You've been living with Twilight for half a year, that's good enough for me. Besides, anything serious enough to cry over is something I would want to help with anyway." Rarity assured her.
Razor flashed a brief, sad smile,
"Thank you Rarity."
"So," Rarity continued, "What brings you here to me for help?"
"I'm not so good at explaining." Razor muttered, "Could you do it Twilight?"
"My goodness!" Rarity exclaimed putting a hoof to her chest, "A problem so severe, so serious that a language specialist is at a loss?" she turned to the lavender Alicorn on her right, "Twilight you simply must explain this!"
Twilight shifted in her seat,
"It's like this: Artex is finally willing to look for wives, but he has no more idea how to do that than I would. Razor Wit has feelings for him, but he has no idea. He sees her as a friend, nothing more..."
"And she wants to catch his interest, but she has no idea how." Rarity finished having seen the direction her friend was going, "Hmm. Tell me something Razor Wit, is Artex a fairly normal Human male?"
"I... I think so. I mean, his body has undergone a lot of changes after the blood transfusion, but he thinks like a Human still, if that's what you mean." Razor explained.
Rarity put her right hoof to her chin in thought,
"I'm afraid I don't know the first thing about what Humans find attractive in mates. You're around him all the time right? Why don't you tell us what you've learned and we can go from there?" Rarity's horn lit up and a pencil and paper floated in from her inspiration room, "I'll write down the most common and significant attractions and we can play off those strengths. What do Human males appreciate in a female?"
"Women," Razor corrected gently, "Human females are called women and males are called men." she set both her hooves on the table as she spoke, "Well to start with, Human society is much, much, much more open about... intimacy... sex. Humans are extremely sexual beings. Human women don't need Comforters when they're with a new man, which I believe leads many Humans to be sexually promiscuous. Humans have hundreds of words and phrases for sexual situations and activities. They've practically made an art form out of it. They think about it, they talk about it, they do it; according to Artex, women advertise it with their clothes to show off their bodies. They pose in the act of having sex for pictures, human women will spread their... filly bits for males to see in these pictures. Artex in particular once said he was a 'tail male', which means he likes the shape of women's hips, but he also said, at some length, that he likes 'boobs'."
Rarity stopped writing and glanced up at Razor curiously,
"Boobs? Could you explain that terminology darling? What, exactly, is a 'boob'? Are you referring to the birds known as Boobies?"
"Um..." Razor lifted her eyes to the ceiling as if for inspiration, "Boobs are another name for breasts. Breasts are the mammary glands on women. They are circular, filled with fat, like a mare when she's lactating. Women's breasts always look like they're full and apparently men find that attractive. According to Artex, women's breasts are what he called an 'erogenous zone', a place that feels good to stimulate or touch, like the wings on a Pegasus."
Rarity looked confused, but Twilight looked thoughtful and voiced her thoughts,
"From a strictly visual perspective that does make sense. When a female mammal is lactating, their teats swell with milk and I think I can understand why males would find that appealing. To them, it's an indicator of fertility, which is the core reason any creature looks for a mate. I can't fathom why a male, aside from an Earth Pony, would look for a large haunch or flank in any female though, except maybe as an indication that the female has put on weight due to pregnancy. Although Artex' adopted family are Earth Ponies, so that might have something to do with it."
Rarity nodded reluctantly,
"Hmm, those are interesting thoughts Twilight. I'll admit I never would have thought of those, but," she turned back to Razor, "Are all Humans so caught up on physical appearances?"
Razor shook her head,
"No, but Artex has said he doesn't find the Kavim body to be particularly attractive. I know I have what he wants intellectually and emotionally, but I think I need for him to see me as attractive for him to realize that."
Rarity nodded,
"So we have one part figured out. What about Human social standards for courtship? What do Humans do when courting a potential mate?"
"Ironically they appreciate many of the things we do. Going out to eat at a restaurant, taking romantic walks, cuddling, enjoying a quiet picnic together, exchanging gifts, men buy women flowers and jewelry, things like that. Artex is taking me out to dinner tonight. Twilight suggested it as a way for him to get used to courting a mare." Razor elaborated easily.
"So, we need not worry about environment or romance since Humans enjoy the same things we do in that regard. That makes our job fairly simple then." Rarity said laying the pencil down on the table, "Artex already knows you and that's the problem. He sees you and all he sees is his friend. He needs to see you as an eligible mare. What we need to do is change you just enough to force him to take a second look, but still be comfortable enough not to alarm him. He needs to be at ease around you, but still see you as a potentially more than a friend." Rarity suddenly broke into a wide grin, "What you need, darling, is a makeover and a gown for this evening." she leaned forward across the table just as the tea kettle began to whistle, sounding much like an alarm klaxon, "And I know just how to do that."
* * *
Artex strode toward the farm house setting on the top of the hill in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres. Suey trotted alongside him, occasionally darting off to one side or the other to munch on a fallen apple on the ground. He had helped Applejack and Big Macintosh finish up with the farm chores earlier in the day which meant they would be working on projects to improve the farm. Though Big Macintosh might be spending time with Cheerily, or Fluttershy, or both. He kept his ears open for any sounds of work, but nothing caught his attention. Seeing as there didn't seem to be anything he needed to help with, he decided to head on to the farm house.
Artex didn't bother knocking, he had grown past that stage after Applejack had fussed at him for it,
"Hello?" he called, pushing the screen door open, "Anypony home?"
An aged voice hailed him from within the house,
"Is that you, ya gangly baboon?"
Artex sighed at Granny Smith's reference as Suey trotted inside the house and saw Wynonna,
"Yeah it's me Granny." he called back, "Where are Applejack and Big Mac?"
Wynonna barked happily, wagging her tail playfully and Suey grunted back. The two of them dashed out the door past Artex to go play in the yard. Artex was glad the two of them had become friends. When Wynonna first saw Suey, the collie had attempted to herd the Great Pig into one of the swine runs, much to Suey's dismay. After a tussle, a lot of yelping, and a good deal of grunting the two seemed to have come to an understanding.
Granny Smith's voice echoed back from the kitchen,
"Big Macintosh is with Cheerilee an' Applejack is up in 'er room sortin' through a bunch o' ole stuff to git rid of."
"Do you need any help in there Granny?" Artex asked.
He had learned not to go into the kitchen when Granny smith was working. She may have been old, but she knew her way around a stove and had all but paddled Artex the first and only time he had imposed on her domain.
"Naw, this wrinkly ole Apple still got it where it counts. Are you workin' on findin' a good herd yet Artex? Ah don't rightly know how much longer Ah can hold out for ya an' Ah wanna see some o' your foals runnin' around here before I go." Granny yelled.
"You're not that old Granny." Artex replied.
"Oh hogwash! Ah'm 326 years old an' that's a good bit longer than most Ponies." Granny spouted.
"To answer your question Granny, I have a date with a mare tonight. It's just to get me started on practice, but honestly I kind of wish it was serious." Artex said.
All noise from the kitchen ceased and Granny Smith came slowly walking out of the center for all things culinary,
"What do you mean, you wish it was serious? Why ain't it?"
Artex scratched his left arm averting his eyes,
"Well she only sees me as a friend. Until earlier today, I saw her the same way. I asked Twilight for help and she suggested that I should go on a practice date with Razor Wit. I just blindly accepted the idea and told her I would come by to get her this evening, but on my way here I realized that... she actually is the kind of... mare I want."
Granny sat down on the floor in front of Artex and just stared up at him,
"Razor Wit? You mean that sandy colored Unicorn filly with the pinkish mane I seen you with?"
Artex nodded,
"Well I think she's old enough to be considered a mare, but yes that's her."
Granny shook her head,
"Anypony who don't have no foals yet is a filly to me. I'll ask ya again, why ain't it serious? If you're interested ya got to tell 'er. How else is she gonna know?" Granny squinted her left eye closed and gazed up at Artex, "You want my advice? Go on this here date thingy an' see how ya like it. Don't think none about how she sees you, act like it's the real deal. If you find yourself likin' 'er like that, like a mare, you go tell 'er. If'n she's got even a single lick o' sense in 'er head, she'll like you too."
Artex had his reservations about the idea,
"I originally came here for advice on how to treat a mare properly."
Granny chuckled dryly,
"If'n you wanna treat 'er proper-like then woo 'er. Don't use fancy words or spend your bits willy-nilly, spend some quality time with 'er an' when yall decide to marry, you rutt her like there's no tomorro'. Ya gotta be gentle with 'er an' all, cause she's gonna be right twitchy an' scared, but once you get past all that go an' give it to 'er so good she cain't walk right the nex' day! A good mare is like a good field. Plow it good an' long' an' hard an' it'll bring up what you plant an' keep comin' back fer more! Hehehehe!"
Artex' eyes bulged out of his head at the raunchy innuendo,
"Granny!"
"Aw come on youngster, every family gotta start somewheres. What's wrong? You worried your 'tools' ain't up to snuff? Trust me, if'n she loves ya, it don't matter none." she seemed to sober up as she continued, "I don't know how it it with you Humerans, but with us it ain't so much about the juicy noises and full feelin' in your field. It's a whole lot more important that yall love one another an' that you care 'bout 'er. A Fathom o' love makes up for a Hoof o' size. Mah hubby weren't nothin' to faint over down below, but he was always lovin' an' gentle an' THAT means a whole lot more. Ah was a dumb Apple early in life, didn't have no sister/wives. Got my ole Crabby to tie me down real good. I was scared to death, but he was everything Ah coulda hoped for an' so much more. Ah was dumb 'cause Ah never found no sister/wives to stay with me after he passed. Ah hope you're listenin' to me youngin', you can make some mares right happy if'n you care about 'em. That's what matters after the years go by an' everything don't work the way it should. When you're old an' wrinkly like me, you don't care so much about makin' more Apples or even ruttin', the only thing you care about is companionship an' love. If you got that, then it don't matter how much money you got, 'cause while the ones you love'll get old and pass, that love don't ever die." Granny opened her mouth in a jaw-cracking yawn, "Ah think Ah'm gonna go take me a nap. All this jaw flappin' done wore me out."
Artex watched silently as the old green Earth Pony hobbled away toward her favorite rocking chair. She had given him a few things to think about.
* * *
Razor Wit felt like a new mare. Rarity had been right, the spa was marvelous. Her coat held a glossy sheen she hadn't even realized it had been missing. Her mane and tail were styled smoothly and held the perfect amount of bounce and body without being outlandish and her horn had all the rough patches filed down to perfect smoothness. If there was a tiny bit of a bounce in her gait, she felt it was more than justified. Rarity had already planned on going to the spa with Fluttershy on the same day, for their weekly spa get-togethers and the custard Pegasus mare had decided to join them on their way back to Rarity's boutique.
Rarity and Twilight were walking next to Razor discussing how she should present herself to Artex while Fluttershy trotted next to her trying not to blush at the sensitive topic,
"Twilight you cannot possibly be serious. A proper mare would never do such a thing."
"True, but remember that Human societal norms are hyper-sexual compared to our own. Artex comes from a society where sexuality is a common topic, I don't really see it as something that would offend him. Honestly, I think some of our own sensitivity could benefit from more open discussions about sexual preferences. That way everypony involved has appropriate expectations and won't end up being disappointed or awkward when the time comes for physical intimacy." Twilight argued back quietly.
Razor tried to keep her blush hidden, but the topic in discussion was more than a little personal,
"At least you're not asking me to try to Accept him right away."
Twilight wrinkled her muzzle at the though,
"No, not at all. You did say that Humans tend to talk about it though, I just thought it might help put Artex more at ease if you chose a topic that he was comfortable with. It would show that you can relate to him well. I had debated on recommending that you even use a few suggestive innuendos to let him know you're interested, but I figured that would be up to your judgement. Remember you know Artex better than either of us, so the most we can do is make recommendations."
Rarity cleared her throat,
"Now in reference to your attire for tonight darling, I was thinking about something in a light but somewhat bright orange color. I'm veering quite far from my norm here, but I was also thinking of making something that was form-fitting to show off your curves in just the right way. Don't look at me like that Twilight, I'm simply trying to work with what Artex would appreciate. Poor Razor has no 'boobs' for Artex to admire but her haunch is very nicely toned and curved in just the right way that I believe I can make her appealing to his preferences without being too risqué, revealing, or embarrassing. I am certainly not going to suggest she show off her udders."
Twilight rolled her eyes,
"I already admitted, three times, that it was just a thought and maybe I ran with it just a little too far..."
"Hey girls, whatcha up to? Ooh lookin' nice there Razor, who's the lucky stallion?" Rainbow Dash asked hovering in the air above them.
Razor lowered her head bashfully at the compliment as Rarity clarified,
"She has a date with Artex tonight. We are helping her get ready so that she catches his eye."
Rainbow's face fell,
"Aw great now I feel like a heel."
Twilight cocked her head to the right,
"Why is that?"
Rainbow scratched the back of her head with her right hoof nervously,
"Because there's supposed to be a rainstorm tonight. I just got word from Cloudsdale that we're a full eighth of a Hoof short of where we're supposed to be, and my team is flying around telling everypony about it." she turned to Razor, "I'm really sorry Razor Wit. I don't have the option of postponing for another day either."
Razor Wit gave Dash a forced and unconvincing sad smile,
"I'll live. I know an umbrella spell so I'll be fine. It just won't be quite as romantic. I wanted to enjoy a walk with Artex through the park after dinner, but I can skip that."
Rainbow gritted her teeth,
"Erg... alright, I can push it back for two hours, but that's all I can do. Will nine tonight be alright?"
Razor's face lit up like a Christmas tree,
"That would be wonderfult! Thank you so much Rainbow Dash!"
"I already told you, you don't have to use both my names, just whichever one you like. Heh, they're both awesome." Dash boasted.
"Um, I could have the fireflies out tonight in the park to help make it more romantic, if that's alright with you." Fluttershy offered.
Razor nearly squealed at the mental image,
"Oh Fluttershy, that would be perfect!"
"What would be perfect?" a high-pitched voice asked from Razor's other side.
Razor nearly jumped out of her skin at Pinkie's sudden and startling appearance,
"Oh! Pinkie you scared me."
"Why were you scared? It's not Nightmare Night silly." Pinkie spouted as she began hopping around the growing group.
"We were talking about my date tonight with Artex..." Razor began only to be interrupted by Pinkie.
"You should TOTALLY make him dessert tonight after the date! Granny Pie always said 'the way to a stallion's heart is through his stomach' and you know how much he LOVES my zucchini bread. Hey, it's the perfect time of year for pumpkins. Why don't you make him a loaf of pumpkin bread? Then the two of you could snuggle together by the fireplace in the library and sip cocoa and nibble on pumpkin bread and it'll be so nice and romantic and cozy and then he'll turn to you and look deeply into your eyes..."
Pinkie's rant was cut short by Rarity's hoof pressing into the front of her muzzle,
"Pinkie darling, I think for now they wish to take things slowly, though I do think your idea is very sweet and romantic."
"Actually," Razor said quietly, "That sounds like the perfect way to end the date. Do you have a recipe for that pumpkin bread I could borrow Pinkie?"
"Yeperooni!" Pinkie replied.
The whole group stopped and stared as Pinkie bounced over to a nearby rain barrel on the side of Bon Bon's Bon Bons and dunked her head straight in, splashing water over the side. After a few moments of bubbles floating up to the surface of the water, Pinkie withdrew her head holding a seemingly dry recipe card in her mouth while wearing a snorkel and eye mask.
The pink wonder bounced back to her friends and passed the card to Razor,
"Here you go."
Razor levitated the perfectly dry recipe card and examined it closely then turned to Pinkie,
"How is this thing not soaked?"
Pinkie's only response was to smile hugely and keep bouncing,
"I have a stash of waterproof recipes for waterproof recipe emergencies duh!"
Razor opened her mouth to speak, but a gentle hoof on her right shoulder stopped her,
"Just agree with her." Twilight suggested, "Pinkie has a number of things about her that are better to just accept. Believe me, I know."
Razor looked around at the mares who were so willing to help her,
"Thank you all so much. With your help this is going to be the perfect date. After all this preparation, what's the worst that could happen."