“COBRA Troopers,” began Destroyer, the weapons supplier and trainer, “on the count of three, you will begin today’s training by firing your weapons at the targets.” Destroyer was an Earth pony with what looked like a metallic face, although he had assured everypony that it was just a mask. He wore a dark black jumpsuit with a raised collar. His voice had a slight Scoltish accent to it.
As he spoke, everypony raised their weapons at their targets. There was a line of around twenty COBRA Troopers, all in navy blue uniform, wielding crossbows at the end of a shooting range which was in one of the rooms of COBRA’s warehouse. For the unicorns, they could simply levitate and fire the crossbows using their magic; for everypony else, their crossbows were strapped to one of their legs. In order to fire, they would need to raise the leg the crossbow was strapped to, and turn it a particular way, triggering the firing mechanism.
“Ready…one…” began Destroyer, drawing out the number. A few ponies were shaking or sweating a little, but most of them were used to this by now. “Two…” Some Troopers adjusted their aim slightly, or shifted by a miniscule amount. “Three!” There was that brief moment of hesitation inherent in a countdown, as everypony registered that yes, Destroyer really had just said the final number, and then they all fired.
Bright, pulsing beams of light flew out from the end of each crossbow and towards their targets. Perhaps half of them hit their targets – silhouettes of a pony with vital areas marked. A moment after firing, each pony would readjust their aim slightly and then fire again, trying to shoot more accurately. Amongst all of this, a particular noise could be heard.
“Pew! Pew, pew, pew!” said Vinyl as she shot each laser from her crossbow. “Take that, mysterious silhouette!”
“Vinyl!” The pony next to Vinyl lifted up her COBRA Trooper mask, revealing herself to be Octavia. “Could you please take this seriously? We are at work right now, you know.”
“Take this seriously? How can I?” Vinyl asked. Although she was wearing her COBRA uniform, her colours were a brighter blue compared to the other ponies, and she had no mask. “We’re using freakin’ crossbows to fire lasers! How dumb is that?”
“Whilst I won’t deny that it’s a little strange, I’m sure that there’s a good reason for it,” Octavia said. Putting her mask back on, she turned to face the firing range again.
“Hey, even if there’s a reason for it, these lasers suck!” Vinyl said. Without warning, she rotated her crossbow ninety degrees and shot Octavia. “See?”
“Vinyl!” Octavia said crossly, removing her mask again. “That… should have hurt more than it did. Huh. I suppose that these lasers do somewhat suck.”
“‘Give me all your money, or I’ll hit you with something that hurts slightly less than a gentle shove!’” said Vinyl mockingly, moving her crossbow closer to Octavia.
“‘No! Anything but a gentle shove!’” Octavia replied, putting a hoof to her cheek in mock surprise. At this, the two friends burst out into laughter, realising that not only was the mock scenario hilarious, but it was also realistic. Unfortunately for them, it attracted the attention of Destroyer, who had until then been at the other end of the line of firing ponies.
“Is there a problem?” he asked, his mask hiding any emotion his face might have shown.
“Uh, yeah,” said Vinyl, still chuckling slightly, “wearing a popped collar with that kind of getup makes you look dumb.” Octavia sniggered, trying to hold in her laughter as much as possible around Destroyer.
Beneath his mask, Destroyer scowled. “Is there a problem?” he repeated.
“Sorry, Destroyer,” said Octavia, still snickering slightly, “it’s just that – well, Vinyl here pointed out that these crossbows aren’t exactly the most efficient weapon in Equestria.”
“Yeah!” Vinyl agreed. “Whoever designed these crossbows is kind of an idiot – I mean, they don’t even fire any bolts or whatever. And these lasers suck!”
Grabbing Vinyl’s crossbow out of the air before she could react, Destroyer strapped it to his front right leg. “For the record, I designed these crossbows,” he said, silencing the laughter from the duo. “And as for their efficiency… let me show you how effective these can be in the hooves of a master,” he continued as he finished adjusting it. Destroyer raised his leg so that the crossbow was aimed directly at Vinyl.
“H-hey, wait a sec!” Vinyl said, flabbergasted as she realised what Destroyer was doing. “I didn’t really mean that stuff… I mean –”
Vinyl shut her mouth and instead opted to flinch as Destroyer turned his leg, causing the crossbow to fire a laser. It hit her squarely in the chest, causing her to emit a small yelp of surprise. Scoffing, Destroyer ripped the crossbow from his leg and threw it to the ground in front of Vinyl.
“Vinyl? Are you okay?!” Octavia asked, staring at her marefriend’s stunned face.
“That…that…” Vinyl put a hoof to her chest and frowned. “That still didn’t really hurt. Are you sure that’s what you meant to do?” she asked Destroyer.
“Just get back to your damn shooting practice,” said Destroyer before walking off to check on some of the other recruits.
“Man, is our job whack or what, Octavia?” asked Vinyl as she levitated her crossbow back into the air and checked it for damage. “Practicing shooting practice for an extermination company? I mean, okay, it makes sense, but not to this degree. And not with pony targets!”
“Mmm, it is a bit unorthodox,” said Octavia, putting her mask back on. She took a step or two closer to Vinyl, pretending to be looking down the shaft of her crossbow. “To be honest,” she muttered, “I am starting to get a bit suspicious of this organisation.”
“Oh yeah?” Vinyl asked, also moving closer. “What makes you say that?”
“Well, there’s a few things that just seem a bit…odd,” said Octavia. “You pointed out less than a minute ago that we’re shooting at pony-shaped targets when we’re an extermination company.” Vinyl gestured for Octavia to continue. “What if one of them caught fire from the lasers?”
It took Vinyl a minute, but then she saw what Octavia was getting at. “There aren’t any smoke alarms in here!” she gasped. “That’s super illegal!”
Octavia nodded. “There also aren’t any fire escapes or air vents,” she added seriously. “But there was something really suspicious the other day that I noticed, when we first joined up.”
“Yeah? What was it?” Vinyl asked, looking around to see whether anypony was listening in on their conversation.
“I don’t think that you were exactly listening during Serpent Superior’s opening speech, but there was something that piqued my interest,” Octavia explained. “He was going on about something to do with crushing the princesses and bringing anarchy to Equestria… and then he said that we would all be paid, cash in hoof!”
Vinyl literally jumped in the air at this revelation. “But…but that’s illegal!” she said. “He’s trying to avoid taxes by doing that!”
“Exactly!” Octavia said. Leaning away from Vinyl, she lifted a hoof at her target. “I’m fine with us staying with COBRA for the time being, but I think that we need to be careful,” she said. She turned her leg several times, firing three short bursts which all resulted in headshots on the silhouette.
“Good shooting, Trooper…Octavia, isn’t it?” From behind Octavia and Vinyl, Serpent Superior approached them. For training sessions, he swapped out his cloth mask for a metallic faceplate. In addition, he was currently wearing an apron and oven mitts over the rest of his COBRA uniform. “Have a biscuit if you want – but be careful, they’re hot!” he said, offering Octavia a tray of what looked like shortbread.
“Thank you, sir,” said Octavia sincerely as she reached out a hoof to accept a biscuit. “Mmm, this is tasty! Good cooking, sir!”
“Thank you, Octavia,” said Serpent Superior. “I may be a crazed pony with plans to take over Equestria, but who says that I can’t cook a nice snack for my recruits during their training?”
“Uh…” said Vinyl, staring at the tray, a delicious aroma wafting from it, “mind if I have one?” She reached out a hoof to the tray, only to have Serpent Superior jerk it away from her.
“If you’ll excuse me, Meatshield Vinyl,” said Serpent Superior coldly, “these biscuits are for my Troopers only.”
“Wait, ‘Meatshield’ Vinyl?” asked Octavia, confused.
“During training the other day, she kept making the most annoying noises,” said Serpent Superior. “In addition to that, her accuracy was bad enough that she kept nearly hitting me with her shots.”
“So Serpent Superior here gave me a demotion!” said Vinyl proudly. “I’m Meatshield rank now! You were doing hoof-to-hoof combat training at the time, which is why you didn’t notice.”
“Well, that explains the uniform,” said Octavia. “But, Vinyl, darling… you realise that a demotion is bad, right?”
Vinyl scoffed. “Not when I’ve got a title as cool as this! It sounds so much better than the generic ‘Trooper’ name! I’m Vinyl Scratch, COBRA Meatshield!”
“At the rate you’re going, you might even make it to Redshirt,” said Serpent Superior, deadpan. Vinyl gasped in surprise and pleasure.
“Really?! That’s awesome! What do Redshirts do?” she asked, excited.
“They get to wear this special uniform,” said Serpent Superior seriously. He gestured, and Tomax – or was it Xamot? – appeared from somewhere, holding out a uniform. It was a white suit the same style as the rest of COBRA’s uniforms, only on the front and back it had a large red target. “And once you’re on the battlefield, you can do pretty much whatever you want, as long as you’re wearing that uniform.”
At this, Vinyl got down in front of Serpent Superior and grabbed him by the apron. “Can I be made a Redshirt, sir? Please? I’ll do anything!”
“Vinyl, are you sure that you wish to be wearing a uniform like that?” asked Octavia. “It’s literally got a target on the back.”
“I know, right? Everypony would be drawn to the one and only Vinyl Scratch!” Vinyl said cheerfully. After a moment, she grinned and added, “Not that I’d care, because I’ve already got the eye of the most important pony in Equestria – you, Octavia.”
Although Octavia was blushing beneath her mask, she couldn’t help but laugh. “Vinyl, that’s sweet, but also incredibly cheesy.”
“Would you have me any other way?” asked Vinyl, letting go of Serpent Superior and instead grabbing hold of Octavia. In response, the Earth pony giggled nervously as Vinyl went to remove her mask and kiss her on the mouth.
“Hey! Cut that out, you two!” interrupted Serpent Superior. “This is supposed to be weapons training, not… not love blooming on the battlefield!”
“But we’re not on the battlefield,” Octavia pointed out. “This is weapons training.”
“Actually, it’s more like a morning tea break, what with the shortbread and all,” Vinyl added earnestly. “Come to think of it, is it even possible? Can love bloom on the battlefield?”
“It depends,” said Octavia. “Are we talking love between enemies or allies?”
Vinyl shrugged. “I dunno. Hey Serpent, what context are we talking for this?”
“You two are missing the point!” Serpent Superior growled. “The point is, no making out during weapons training! Or else!” Shaking his head, he wandered off to offer more biscuits to the other COBRA Troopers. A moment later he turned back. “Obviously, I was talking about love between allies, since it applies to you two in this context.” He cleared his throat. “And, uh, good to see that you two have found each other. You both seem very happy, and I hope that it stays that way for a while for both of your sakes.”
Once Serpent Superior was sufficiently occupied giving out more biscuits, Vinyl and Octavia began kissing each other for several moments. “Hey Vinyl,” said Octavia as they pulled away, “what say we find somewhere more private to continue this?”
“Like a cupboard!” Vinyl said enthusiastically. “Oh man, wonder what COBRA keep in their cupboards! It’s probably like, snake antidote or something!”
Octavia rolled her eyes, but still smiled nonetheless. “What do I care, so long as you’re in there with me?” she asked. She hit Vinyl’s flank with a hoof. “Come on, beautiful. Let’s go find a cupboard, get in there, and have the best make-out session we’ve had all day.”
===============================
“Are we really going to do more hoof-to-hoof combat training?” asked Octavia, slightly surprised. It was shortly after lunch, during which Serpent Superior had provided a vast array of home-made sandwiches for his Troopers, and they had just discovered that they would be training for a few more days than expected.
“Although I promised that hoof-to-hoof training would only be for a few days, yes, you will be,” confirmed Serpent Superior. He was on the stage which he had been on Vinyl and Octavia’s first day, and all of the COBRA Troopers were standing before him, listening. “The reason why is because –”
“Why?” interrupted Vinyl, putting up a hoof.
Serpent Superior glared at Vinyl from underneath his mask, although to the crowd of COBRA Troopers it just looked as though he glanced vaguely in her direction. “The reason why is because whilst everypony’s scores – even yours, Blind Bandit – have been improving on the shooting, few ponies have been improving on hoof-to-hoof combat, according to the statistics provided by Tomax and Xamot.” He pointed to a line graph on display next to him. “Now, the mean of ponies with-”
“Is that seriously why you keep Tomax and Xamot around?” somepony in the crowd interrupted. “For statistics and boring crap like this?”
Serpent Superior gave a noncommittal shrug. “Tomax sometimes helps me make sandwiches. Anyway, the point is, you’ll all be doing hoof-to-hoof combat training for a few more days.”
“Hey Octavia,” Vinyl said quietly, nudging the masked and uniformed pony next to her, “I can give you some real good wrestling training – but we’ll need to do it in a mud pit. You dig?”
“Other side,” grunted the pony, who was at least twice Vinyl’s size. Blushing slightly, Vinyl turned to her other side to see that a pony with a build much closer to Octavia’s standing there, still masked and uniformed. “Hey Octavia,” Vinyl began, “I can… Oh, whatever, you heard what I said.”
“Does anypony have any objections to the additional training?” asked Serpent Superior, having continued his lecture whilst Vinyl was talking.
“Do we have to do it if we’re already quite exceptional at hoof-to-hoof combat?” asked Octavia. “Because Vinyl and I already know a surprising amount of martial arts from our adventures together.”
“You do?” asked Serpent Superior. “Excellent! Then in that case, I’ll demonstrate the next few moves with Meatshield Vinyl Scratch.”
“What? Why me?” Vinyl asked, although not loudly enough for Serpent Superior to hear her from the stage.
“I suppose that he’s gotten a bit annoyed at your behaviour the past few days, so he wants an excuse to beat you up,” Octavia suggested.
“What?! What do you mean, my behaviour?” Vinyl asked. “What have I done in the past few days that’s been so bad?”
“You’ve shown up to work drunk two times, you nearly shot Serpent Superior during weapons training, you showed up to work seven hours late yesterday, and you tried to take one of Serpent Superior’s biscuits without being offered,” said Octavia sincerely.
“Bah!” spat Vinyl. “I guess I’ll just have to kick his ass then. I’ve fought ninja, you know. Or is it ninjas?”
“I know, Vinyl,” said Octavia. “I was there, remember? And if I recall, you needed my help to stop them.”
“Wasn’t it awesome though?” asked Vinyl Scratch enthusiastically. “Hay, I wonder whatever happened to Bass Drop and Octavius…”
“Stop stalling, and get over here!” called Serpent Superior to Vinyl. He had gotten off the stage and was standing near a series of small training mats, where hoof-to-hoof combat was practiced in the warehouse.
“Fine, fine…” grumbled Vinyl as she trotted over to the mats. “What now?” she asked once she was standing opposite Serpent Superior with a decent amount of space between them.
“I shall demonstrate some of the martial arts skills we will be learning today,” Serpent Superior said. “In turn, you shall defend yourself in any way you can, to demonstrate how these would work against the average pony.”
“…Any way I can?” Vinyl asked.
“Just do what comes naturally,” Serpent Superior confirmed. To the crowd of COBRA Troopers, he said, “Now, this first move is the flying crane technique. Carefully watch the way in which I swivel on my back hoof before leaping into the air. I shall demonstrate it again after this first time. Are you ready, Meatshield Vinyl?”
“Yep!” said Vinyl.
“Hiiii-yah!” shouted out Serpent Superior, using one of his back hooves to rotate slightly before launching himself off the ground, spinning wildly as he flew towards Vinyl. At the speed he was going, he would probably knock out some of Vinyl’s teeth when he hit her.
In response to a flying madpony coming right at her, Vinyl did what she always did first in a fight: rely on her magic. Surrounding Serpent Superior in a telekinetic field, she threw him forcefully away from her. By the time she had relinquished her magic on him, he had enough momentum from her throw to continue flying through the air and slam into the back wall of the warehouse.
All of the COBRA Troopers were looking at Vinyl, amazed at what she had dared to do to their commander. In response, Vinyl shrugged.
“Well, he did say to defend myself in any way I can.”
===============================
“I still can’t believe that you’re pleased that you were demoted to Redshirt for that stunt!” Octavia exclaimed. It was a few hours after hoof-to-hoof combat training, and the two ponies were sitting on a couch in the warehouse, having afternoon tea. There were couches scattered all around this area, and before each was a small table with a teapot, mugs, and a small assortment of additives such as milk, sugar, and so on. The rest of COBRA were similarly having their afternoon tea.
“It’s great, isn’t it?” asked Vinyl, examining the new uniform which she had been ordered to change into once Serpent Superior regained consciousness. “Everypony’s going to be out there, trying to capture snakes, and then they’ll be all like, ‘Whoah, who’s that?’ when they see me out of the corner of their eyes, and I’ll be like, ‘It’s me, baby’, and then –”
“Is there any way in which this could get worse?” Octavia interrupted.
“From your perspective?” asked Vinyl. “I could get demoted to Twenty Minuter, the only rank lower than Redshirt.”
“Oh?” said Octavia, dipping a biscuit in her tea. “Why is the rank called Twenty Minuter?”
“Because twenty minutes is the average amount of time the rank spends on the battlefield,” said Vinyl before sipping from her cup of tea. “Something like that, at any rate.”
Octavia frowned. “Why would one particular rank spend more or less time in battle than the other ones?” she asked. “Aren’t we all going into combat together?”
“Redshirt Vinyl, shut up,” said Serpent Superior, sitting on a couch near Vinyl and Octavia’s. “And for the record, it’s called Twenty Minuter because twenty minutes is the average life expectancy of the ponies of that rank in the field.” He lifted up his mask – although not so far that anypony could see anything distinguishing about his features – and ate a biscuit.
“See? Average life expectancy, average time on the battlefield,” said Vinyl to Octavia. “Same thing, really.”
“Vinyl, are you ever going to take this job seriously?” Octavia asked, sighing as she poured herself another mug of tea.
“How can I?” asked Vinyl. “Our boss never takes off that mask, we were inducted to the group by two ponies whose names are literally reversals of each other, and our weapons trainer is apparently from Scoltland.”
“How does being from Scoltland make the job hard to take seriously?” asked Octavia, confused.
“Don’t they wear kilts or something there?” said Vinyl. “That’s kinda weird.”
“Well, regardless, I hope that you start taking it seriously by the time we go on our first mission,” said Octavia. “Speaking of, when is that?” she asked, leaning over to Serpent Superior’s couch.
“I just need to find a decent way to transport a… particular item… to Canterlot, and then we can begin,” he said.
“How about by train?” asked Vinyl. “I like trains!”
“No, that wouldn’t work,” said Serpent Superior, shaking his head. “The item in question is particularly conspicuous, and I’d rather it not be noticed.”
“Well in that case, how about by boat?!” Vinyl suggested. “Or better yet – submarine!”
“…Canterlot is in the centre of Equestria, Vinyl,” pointed out Octavia. “You can’t reach it by boat. Or submarine.”
“Yeah, but how do you know that it doesn’t have a secret underground lake?” Vinyl countered, grinning. “Then we could totally get the thingy there – all us COBRA Troopers build a submarine, and, and, Tomax and Xamot could use their freaky business skills to make sure we don’t go over budget, and Serpent Superior can be all like ‘Call me the skipper!’”
“Why would he be the skipper?” asked Octavia, frowning as she drank the last of her second mug of tea. “Do submarines even have skippers?”
“I dunno, but wouldn’t that be cool? Skipper Serpent Superior!” Vinyl exclaimed. “Or Superior Skipper Serpent! Or how about Serpent Superior: Skipper?”
“You know, Vinyl, sometimes when I see your shooting scores, or how happy you and Octavia are together, I almost regret giving you those demotions,” said Serpent Superior in response as he added milk to his mug of tea. He drank briefly from it before continuing. “But then you say things like this, and I am so pleased that you’re a Redshirt.”
“Give Vinyl some credit, sir,” said Octavia. “She does have good ideas from time to time.”
“Oh yes?” asked Serpent Superior mockingly. “Her suggestion to moving a bo- an item – to Canterlot was to build a submarine and hope that there’s a secret underground lake in Canterlot which the submarine could reach.”
“Well, yeah,” said Vinyl, “that’s if there was a secret underground lake. If there wasn’t, I’d say use a flying ship, since you said that trains are out of the question.”
“Use a what?” asked Serpent Superior.
“Alright, so Octavia and I were captured by pirates, right?” Vinyl began. “And we were totally going to fight them, but then I used the Element of Laughter and turned everypony into lizards, y’know? And anyway, we had found a tonne of balloons in the ship’s cargo hold, so we tied them to the ship, flew it to Canterlot, and killed Celestia and Luna!”
Serpent Superior looked as dumbfounded as was possible for a pony whose facial features were completely obscured by a mask. He slowly turned to face Octavia. “What?” he asked flatly.
“We were playing a roleplaying game,” said Octavia, blushing slightly. “Pony Tales.”
“Oh yeah, I suppose I should’ve mentioned that, huh?” asked Vinyl. “But yeah, the point is, I’d use a flying ship to transport something super important.”
Serpent Superior shook his head as if to clear it. “What, a ship held aloft by balloons?” he asked, having regained his composure. “They wouldn’t support the weight!”
“Depends how many you use,” Vinyl argued.
“No, you’d need something more like a magical device,” said Serpent Superior, half to himself. “Something to counteract the forces of gravity enough to lift the ship into the air, and… hang on a minute…”
“Uh… did I just break our boss?” Vinyl asked Octavia, as the two ponies watched Serpent Superior continue muttering to himself for the next few minutes.
“Good news, Vinyl!” said Serpent Superior suddenly, causing Vinyl to flinch. “You’ve given me an excellent idea – and for that, you’re getting promoted back up to Trooper rank!”
“What?!” spluttered Vinyl. “Noooooo!!!!!!”
“Everypony, I have a new announcement to make,” said Serpent Superior, standing up from his couch and speaking loudly enough for everypony to hear him. “If everything goes successfully, we will begin the assault on Canterlot in a few days from now!”
All around the warehouse, COBRA Troopers began cheering and talking excitedly. In all of this, Vinyl leaned over to Octavia.
“The assault to take the snakes out, right?”