//------------------------------// // All The Clowns // Story: Valley Of Rainbows: Seeking Solutions // by Sparx //------------------------------// All The Clowns Rainbow Dash felt the first signs of the morning sun warming her face, letting her eyes flutter open halfway. With her vision blurred, she yawned and rolled over onto her side, met with a faded image of Spitfire. She frowned in confusion, sure that she wasn’t seeing clearly. She rubbed her eyes to try and clear her vision, but sure enough, she saw Spitfire in a rather confusing and alluring pose, resting her head on one of her forehooves and giving a suggestive grin. “What the?” Rainbow started knocking against her head with a hoof, trying to make sure that she was actually awake. She opened her eyes again and noticed something was odd about the image of Spitfire, most noticeably the yellow of her eyes and the sizes of her now red pupils, not to mention a solitary fang poking over her lower lip. “What the hell? What are you doing here?” Rainbow roared, rising to her hooves and flaring out her wings. Her eruption awoke her comrades, alerting them and bringing them into battle positions. The Spitfire imposter let out a deep chuckle, shaking their head as they rose to stand on their two back legs. With an oddly masculine voice for their form, they answered, “Now really, Rainbow Dash, I thought you’d be thrilled to see me like this. I mean you always seem to be more than ecstatic whenever you look upon your dear darling damsel. What exactly must I do to be as attractive as her?” A pouting lip sported forth from the imposter, quivering in mock sadness. “For one, don’t pretend to be her!” Rainbow snarled. “Why are you here, Discord?” “I simply saw my dearest of friends and was looking for a bit of a reunion,” Discord answered, retaining the appearance of a bipedal Spitfire, hooves on his hips. “Likely story,” Applejack spat. “If’n you were any friend to note, ya wouldn’tve made for the hills as soon as the Princesses went missin’.” “Are you questioning my loyalty, dear Applejack?” Discord made Spitfire’s mouth ask. A halo popped into appearance above his head as he flared his wings out and clapped his forehooves together. “How do you know that I didn’t run looking for them the instant they disappeared?” “Because ya didn’t,” Applejack retorted. “Oh fine.” The halo disappeared in a puff of smoke as Discord crossed his forelegs and frowned. “Of course I ran as soon as I wasn’t being watched. What fun is there in listening to orders and having somepony looking over your shoulder, telling you what you can and can’t do?” Another deep voiced chuckle escaped his throat. “Stop looking like that,” Rainbow Dash growled. “Ugh, see what I mean?” Discord twisted and splashed about in spasmodic yet fluid motions, altering color and form until he returned to his natural self. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say all of you ponies had no sense of humor. But then, there seems to be two of you missing, one of them I know has good humor.” A knowing smirk spread across his face. “What is this creature?” Rover asked aloud, with a confused sneer. His sword burned at his side, Spot and Fido standing on guard as well. “Oh, it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen the hounds above the dirt,” Discord laughed. “Why you three look like mere pups compared to the older, brawnier dogs of those days though. Perhaps a more appropriate look is in order?” With a snap of his talon, Discord transformed the three dogs into small quadruped puppies of themselves, letting their weapons crash into the dirt. The dogs saw one another and their eyes went wide, letting out small yips of protest towards Discord as he guffawed, spinning in the air with delight. Fluttershy’s eyes lit up as she saw the pups, causing her to quietly squeal with delight. Rainbows teeth could only grind harder. “Change them back.” Discord sighed and did as he was told. The dogs panicked and patted their bodies, making sure they were all put back together. “So angry this morning, Rainbow Flash. What in Equestria could be bothering you I wonder?” Discord gave a devious grin. Rainbow Dash growled before feeling Gilda’s talon rest on her shoulder. The griffon shook her head, advising against the instinct to leap and attack. Rainbow kept her frown strong however, leering over the draconequus with angry eyes. “Wouldya mind not bein’ a pain in our asses an’ actually givin’ us some straight answers?” Applejack stepped in with a stern gaze. “Well now that would be boring, wouldn’t it? I came to have fun with some old friends, and you all act so cruel. Some Elements of Harmony you all turned out to be. How can you expect to win a war with friendship as your main weapon if you can’t even act friendly?” Though his words expressed disappointment, Discord’s smile and tone suggested a teasing nature. He would wander around the companions, floating on his back as he spoke and addressed them. “Wait, how did you know that?” Rainbow demanded. “Oh please, you act as if the same situation hasn’t played out time and time again,” Discord yawned. “I mean, really, as soon as I woke up the very first thing you went off to do was seek out the elements to seal me away again. You’ve done the same thing for most every threat that arose; even if it wasn’t the solution, it’s your opening card.” In an illustrative fashion, Discord summoned a hand of playing cards to his paw, throwing one of them to the ground in front of Rainbow Dash. She saw him within the card with the text ‘joker’ written on the top and flipped on the bottom as he danced about with a jester’s cap on. The image on the card then turned to look at her and continued to speak. “I have to say, relying too heavily on a certain strategy in this game can be quite hindering. You should consider adding variety into the game, something unpredictable. After all, what will you do when you can’t collect the pieces needed for your winning play? When one is taken out of the game?” There was a quiet voice of foreboding as Discord spoke, almost as if he knew more than he was simply telling. “We hold a prominent unicorn guard from the Crystal Empire should it come to blows,” Lyra insisted. She walked up to Discord as he pulled himself out of the card like it was a pit in the ground. As he removed his hat and dropped the card within, Lyra took to scanning him with her eyes. As she drew closer, Discord actually felt a bit of discomfort. He felt as if she were looking through him, on a microscopic level. “And, you are?” he asked. Lyra stepped back and beamed wide. “Lyra Penelope Heartstrings! Author, adventurer, minstrel, researcher, biped enthusiast, and part-time knight. Pleased to meet you, Discord. I’ve read of your history.” “Another scholarly unicorn I see.” Discord sounded unimpressed. “Are you here to replace the purple one?” “No no no, of course not. Princess Twilight is attending her duties in Canterlot as the last available Alicorn. I am here for entertainment, navigation, and my own personal desire; which, at the moment, includes you!” Lyra kept her tone proper and polite with a smile on her face the entire time. Discord’s eyes lit up. “Oh really now? Well aren’t you the intriguing little pony.” “Yes, I am, but that’s not what I’m talking about right now, is it?” Lyra’s proper tone seemed to slip as her eyes opened in a menacing and almost scary angle. “You seem to have… advantages I’d like to manipulate.” A bit of silence hung over everyone in the camp, until Lyra continued with saying one word, “... hands.” “Excuse me?” Discord muttered, literally shrinking under Lyra’s gaze. The unicorn stepped forward, holding her forehoof before the now tiny creature before her. “Give me hands, god! Fingers, palms, thumbs, and knuckles! You understand what I speak of right? Should I provide a sample?” She reached to her bag before Fido and Spot grabbed ahold of her and pulled her away. “Much apologies, Po-nee god!” Spot started with a nervous smile. “Yes, much indeed!” Fido added with a face that reflected Spot’s. The duo pulled Lyra away as she began to scream ferociously at the two of them. “NO! No dammit no! This was my chance! Guys stop it! No, I want them! I want ‘em I want ‘em I want ‘em!” As Lyra was dragged away in a fit, Discord returned to his normal size, interest in his eyes. “How have I never noticed that one before?” he pondered aloud. “She does give a valid point, however,” Rarity chimed in. “Shining Armor should have appeared in the kingdom with the Crystal Paladins by now.” “Well that’s all fine and dandy, but isn’t the point of this endeavor to prevent war?” Discord pointed out. “He’s got a point,” Gilda insisted. “We’ve been kinda lucky so far, avoiding an angry dragon and getting out of scrapes without any of you kicking the bucket. I remember that our Wild companion took some convincing from what you tell me too. What if we don’t find Pinkie, or she doesn’t want to come back? You don’t know why she left in the first place after all, right?” Rainbow thought over Gilda’s words. “She’ll want to come. Even if things have changed, Pinkie Pie is our friend and wants to see her home safe, even if it isn’t her home anymore.” “That doesn’t address the other ‘what if’ scenario,” Discord intervened, a smug grin on his face. “The big one. Should any of your six reach a ‘final destination’ on their journey, and the elements are reduced to five. Do you have a backup in that case?” “Could po-nees not simply find a new bearer?” Rover asked. Rainbow frowned. “We don’t know too much about the elements. Celestia and Luna were the former wielders, but it seems that nowadays they require separate individuals. Whether it’s because the princesses strongly represent the elements alone or something else, I don’t know what allows their use and I don’t think Twilight does either.” “What’re we talkin’ ifs fer anyway?” Applejack objected. “Our job is to gather everypony an’ bring ‘em back. An Apple doesn’t simply give up or think of failure, we get it done!” Her determination hit the group hard. She turned her attention to Discord. “Yer trick ain’t workin’. Ah don’t doubt we can do this, an’ yer gonna find that there’s no reason Ah should!” Rainbow nodded, feeling almost embarrassed she needed Applejack to shake determination back into her. “She’s right, Discord.” Renewed enthusiasm was in her voice and in her smile. “Fair enough, I simply figured that I’d take some time to offer some intelligent thinking. Though who am I to object to an idea that could bring about hectic and brilliant chaos in its failure?” Discord’s chuckle sent a chill through the group. “Anyways, I see you’re all heading into town; it should prove entertaining. I’ll be here watching.” As Discord turned to walk away, he sprouted a second face on the back of his neck. “One more thing, do tell dear ‘Jack’ I said hello, won’t you?” “What makes you so sure we’re going to go talking with pirates?” Gilda questioned. She recognized the name immediately and knew something was up. “Nobody even sees Jack.” “Just do me the favor if you happen to meet up,” Discord repeated. His second face was sucked back out of existence with a pop as he himself coiled in the air, devouring his own tail and going on until he too disappeared in the most bizarre fashion Dash had seen. “The feeling that the po-nee god knows more than he told won’t leave,” Rover said, absentmindedly scratching his head. “He always does,” Applejack sighed in return. Entering town, the party found themselves witness to many ponies speaking in hushed tones into one another’s ears. From what they could make out, there was speak of restless pirates and even speak of a storm that had passed by days ago; not long after they themselves had set out in search of Applejack. “I’m thinking your old friend was talking more sense than we gave him credit for,” Gilda commented. “Seems like Jack’s name has grown since he got here.” Lyra’s face was frozen in a frown as she walked along, only looking up from the ground to look at Spot and Fido like they had just murdered a child of hers. The two dogs rushed to a nearby ally and tried hiding behind them to avoid the glare. Rarity walked over to her fellow unicorn and offered some kind words. “Come now, Lyra. What uses have you for fingers and palms when you were blessed with magic? Besides, those hooves of yours have walked thousands of steps in hundreds of stories, and it’s your duty to tell such tales, is it not?” Lyra’s frown didn’t disappear, but it did seem to lighten at Rarity’s words. “I suppose you have a point… I still want them though!” Applejack was absorbed in her thoughts, though whichever thoughts were hers she couldn’t tell. She kept her eyes to the dirt and attempted to not make too much of a struggle with herself out of fear that her friends would worry for her. But simply because she wasn’t showing her pain didn’t mean she wasn’t experiencing it. Voices swirled in her head, deafening her to the outside world. “Hey, Ah think Ah’m gonna split off fer now. Ah gotta… get somethin’ ta drink,” she excused herself and began walking off. “You okay, AJ?” Rainbow called after her friend. She was ignored, however, as Applejack left her sight. “Maybe that’s a decent idea. We’re in town; we could split and should be decently safe, right?” Gilda nodded. “Even around here I haven’t seen anyone too much of an idiot to try something in broad daylight. Avoid the alleys and any shady looking holes though. Better if we buddy up too, especially with almost half of our group in bad shape.” Dash nodded. “Right. You okay with hanging out for a bit with me then, G?” Gilda shrugged with a grin on her face. “Well, I dunno how anybody else has been able to stand you. I’ll do them a kindness and take you out of their hair.” Dash gave a chuckle and bumped the griffon on the shoulder with a hoof. “Right, then I’m guessing the dogs would like to stick together?” She turned to be met with three approving nods. “In that case that’ll leave Fluttershy and Lyra.” Lyra beamed as she met Fluttershy’s eyes. It had been many years since Fluttershy felt a deep fear, but the pure joy firing from Lyra’s eyes made her shudder at the possibilities it promised. “Astounding choice! Brilliant idea, esteemed leader! I couldn’t have picked it better myself, let’s go!” Lyra hooked her foreleg around Fluttershy’s neck and left before any objections could be given. “Okay.” Rainbow chose to ignore the uncomfortable look on Fluttershy’s face. “Rover, you guys see if you can get some information in the market. Gilda and I will go and see if we can find something from her contacts. Sound good?” Dash flashed a look to Gilda, who answered with a nod. Rover saluted and the three dogs left in unison. With only the two of them left, Rainbow turned to Gilda. “So, where should we start?” “If we’re looking for Jack, then I don’t know anybody that’d know him personally. Best I can do is probably point us to someone who might know how to set something up.” Gilda reached into the hood on the back of her neck; now acting as storage since her identity wasn’t a mystery to anyone around her anymore. She produced a small blue book without title and opened up to a random page, flipping through a few more. “Tattle Tail would be an easy target to squeeze info out of. I can't guarantee he won't squeal that we are snooping around though.” Rainbow Dash frowned. “Is that a problem?” “If Jack is as secretive as I’ve pegged him for, then yeah.” Gilda returned the booklet to her hood. “Pirates are assholes, Dash.” Rainbow’s mind fluttered back to a previous swashbuckling adventure she had gone on with her friends. “They can be, yeah; though crabs can be worse.” Gilda rolled her eyes, not quite getting it. The duo began to walk side by side. Every now and then Gilda would pull one of the passing ponies aside and share a few shushed mutterings with them before pointing herself and Rainbow Dash in a new direction. “Where is this guy?” Rainbow eventually asked out of boredom. Her eyes were on the sky as her mouth was agape, letting out a never-ending groan. Gilda flashed a disapproving scowl. “What the hell are you whining for?” “We’ve been at this for too long! Information gathering hasn’t ever taken this long!” Dash continued to groan. “Well you’ve been getting lucky. Applejack didn’t hide her tracks at all, Fluttershy found you because you were in her forest, and we got kinda lucky with Rarity. Now we’re in a city full of ponies and trying to get information from one that doesn’t want to be found. Besides, it’s only been a half hour.” Gilda turned her attention back on their course and started searching for her next point of interest. Dash gave a harrumph at being ignored. A small smile was on her face though, happy to be by the side of Gilda, one of her oldest friends. “We’re here.” Gilda’s comment brought Dash’s attention to the fact they had walked into a rather grimy and dim alleyway. A pony was sitting near a dumpster, exchanging currency with another creature before he was left alone. Gilda and Dash approached him, and the light in the pony’s eyes faded. “Griz! Long time no see!” The pony chuckled nervously as the two approached him. “And you’ve brought a friend!” “Glad to see you’re so talkative, Tattle. We have some questions.” A telltale smile on Gilda’s face informed Tattle that he wasn’t going to enjoy her questions. “Well you know me Griz, just a modern chatterbox. Gimme some cash and I won’t shut up!” Tattle gave a small giggle as his eyes wandered towards his money pouch. Gilda giggled along. “Funny. I remember that the last time we had this conversation, I ended up with a bit of a discount.” Tattle gave an audible gulp. “Alright, no charge. What do you wanna know?” “Know how we can get in contact with Jack?” Tattle’s face dropped. “Oh come on, Griz. I can’t tell you that, they’d kill me!” Rainbow’s eyes widened as she saw Gilda grab Tattle Tail by the neck and force him against the wall. “Well that’s a real shame, Tattle. We had a deal and all. If it’s off though, then I guess I don’t have to keep up my end of the bargain.” Gilda grinned menacingly as she began to fondle the grip of her Morningstar. “N-n-now that’s n-n-not entirely necessary!” Tattle insisted. Gilda’s grip around his throat loosened. “Yeah, you’ve always been pretty good with secrets, Griz. I guess for that I kinda owe you one.” “You owe me much more than that,” Gilda laughed. “Exactly!” Tattle’s happy attitude was a shallow disguise over the fear rumbling within him. “So, if you’d be kind enough to put me down and let me go, I’ll take you to set up an appointment with one of his men.” Gilda smiled. “Smart man. Come on, RD, we have a meeting to attend to.” The duo followed Tattle further down the alleyway. He stopped and Gilda gave a bit of a cough to let him know he was still being followed. He looked back to her with an annoyed glare before clearing his own throat and whispering into a brick wall. After a moment, a brick fell from the wall and a voice told him, “Come right in then,” in a surprisingly cheery voice too. Tattle motioned for them to follow him again. They walked around the building and came to a wooden door, pushing it open and making their way in. Tattle led them towards the back. Looking around, Rainbow Realized that this place was full of some unsavory folk tossing menacing glares towards her. As many toothless frowns and single eyed glares were thrown her way, what caught her eye most was a single strand of bubblegum pink hair right at her hoof. “Yo, Dash. You comin’ in?” Gilda caught Rainbow’s attention once again. “Yeah, I’m comin’.” She followed Gilda and Tattle as the two entered a dark and quiet room. “Brought some ‘new friends’ to come and see Jack,” Tattle Tail announced from the blackness. “Great to hear it,” a grim and ragged voice returned. “3… 2… 1…” “SURPRISE!” The lights flashed on in an instant and Rainbow and Gilda felt their jaws simultaneously drop as they found themselves surrounded by bouncing pink ponies, each a new Pinkie Pie. “Welcome to the party, Dashie.” In the very center of the room, a darker, tamer Pinkie with deflated mane and attitude sat within a large and intimidating wooden throne. A malicious smile spread across her face. “Care for a can of grog?”