“Twilight! Twilight, come out here right now! It’s an emerg—”
“What?” Twilight asked, shoving her door open right away. “What’s the emergency? What happened?”
There was no one outside the entrance to the crystal castle. Twilight looked left and right, scowling at the emptiness.
“Wait, is this another ding-dong-ditch? Snips and Snails, I swear if I catch you, I’ll—oh hey.” Twilight pulled the door back after she heard some aggressive knocking from where it was against the wall. Rainbow Dash fell to the ground, her entire body smooshed and having the consistency of paper. “Rainbow Dash, what were you doing hiding behind my door?”
“Finding meaning in my life,” Dash grumbled from the ground.
“Oh, really? What did you discover?”
Growling under her breath, Dash picked herself up and gulped in several breaths of air to expand her body to its proper shape once more. “That I have an affinity for doorknobs! What do you think?!”
Twilight tapped her chin for several seconds and stood in resolute silence. Finally, she raised a hoof in question and said, “I think you have weird tastes first of all—”
“Never mind that! We have an emergency on our hooves!” Dash pointed to the distance outside of Ponyville. “Those weirdo creatures are back!”
Twilight’s jaw dropped. “So soon? Where are they? What happened this time?”
“Well… um… something really weird, actually.”
Twilight’s brow arched. “Weirder than before?”
Dash nodded with vigor. “Oooooooh yeah, definitely. They brought a creature with them. Or the creature brought them. It’s tough to say.”
“What?”
“Also, an Ursa Major in on the rampage and currently fighting the human creature-monster-thingy.”
“WHAT?!” Twilight shooked her head to break out of her astonishment. “Whoa, hold up, the human monster and the Ursa Major are fighting each other? How?”
“Well, they’re both pretty big,” Dash said, shrugging her shoulders. “Actually, right now it’s tough to say who’s winning.”
“Listen, Dash, just bring me to this ‘monster’ and I’ll deal with it shortly. Make sure to evacuate everypony in Ponyville as well.”
“Already on it,” Dash said with a salute. “Especially the foals. Those were the first ones to get evacuated for… obvious reasons.”
“Because foals are our future?”
“Uh… well, kinda. The fighting is especially…” Rainbow Dash cringed, shaking her head, “graphic.”
“Graphic?”
“Pornographic, if you’re catching my drift.”
The silence between the two grew for several seconds, until Twilight finally popped it by asking with all seriousness, “What?”
TIME: 12:12
DATE: 03/28/84
LOCATION: You know where, you sick fucks
Well, another tentacle creature escaped. Actually, not so much as escape than a giant portal sucking it to another dimension. Go figures.
Anyway, this one was a top priority ‘research’ asset (sick, sick research), and thus had to be returned back to testing post haste. The ‘scientists’ (sick, sick scientists) were prepared to send in the entire shogun robo-army after it, but a black ops squad was seen as more likely to defuse the situation without killing everyone… again.
Since the portal was deep underwater in the creature’s enclosure, a submarine had to be ‘used’ (I would say stolen, but hey, the Ruskies have thousands of them, so it’s not like they’ll miss one or three dozen) to send the team in. One torpedo-pod later and the team was through the portal. This is what they were able to gleam from the other side.
“Holy crap, it sure is sunny here.”
“Why aren’t my eyeballs bleeding because of the sun?”
“Who cares. Let’s just extract the tentacle abomination and get the hell out of here.”
“Whoa, I think that’s it.”
“Shiiiiiiiit, how’d it get so big in only a few minutes? It was only supposed to be as big as a bus. Now look at it.”
“Oh Gawd, is it fighting… a giant bear?”
“Holy frag, it is!”
“Wait… no, it isn’t.”
“What do you mean?”
“Pay attention to where it’s tentacles are going.”
“...Oh Gawd.”
“Dear sweet Jeebus.”
“That’s kinda hot.”
After that, transmission was cut off. Later on the tentacle creature returned through the portal to its enclosure, and for some reason seeming rather chipper. I still have no idea where it got the cigarette from.
As for the team, no word still from them. But the ‘scientists’ (that’s still the biggest fucking lie I’ve ever heard of) are pleased they got their seafood abomination back.
Eh, it’s not a real big deal the entire team died. There was that one sicko Steve who was a member, and now I’ll never have to hear from him ever again and his weird fetishes along with it. Plus, I managed to swipe his paycheck before he kicked the bucket (he’d probably fuck it too if he could). I might just spend it on a dinner that doesn’t consist of radioactive rat meat and ramen.
Although I think I’ll skip out on seafood for the next decade or two.