Celebrity Deathmatch: Equestria’s Unknown Pastime

by GWFan

Call of the Celebrity

Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or Celebrity Deathmatch. Fuzzy Pickles! If you get the reference then you are 20% cooler than Rainbow Dash. Maybe… Or not…

Chapter 1: Call of the Celebrity

“Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch, ponies. If you’re just sitting down, here’s what you missed. Famous choir singer, Cupid Wing, went up against rock legend, Chain Link. But Cupid’s chances went south right from the get go when Chain Link pulled out his guitar and ruptured her eardrums as well as the eardrums of the front five rows of the audience with his music. Then it only took a few simple slams from Chain’s guitar to crack the disoriented singer’s head open.”
“Fortunately, those deafened audience members don’t need to know sign language to enjoy the next fight, Johnny.”
“That’s right, Nick. The main event is about to start where we find famous comedian, Bust-up going up against one time bestselling drama author, Bookit.”
“I have to say, Johnny, I have no idea how these two ponies even know each other, but the audience has been psyched up since last week to see these two polar opposites duke it out right here in Celebrity Deathmatch.”
Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond, the commentator ponies of Celebrity Deathmatch, couldn’t have been more right. From way up in their commentating box, they could see the audience stamping their hooves and shouting at the top of their lungs, clearly divided between the hilarious Bust-up and the very serious Bookit. The two ponies in the ring glared at each other. The ring sat in the center of the many rows of bleachers that lined the secluded little building. For being such a secretive society, the audience was quite huge, numbering a little over two thousand. Bets were being placed all around over which of the two earth ponies would win, especially among the celebrities in the audience, some of whom had participated in Deathmatch before.
As tension and anticipation mounted along with the increasing volume of the audience, a single pony in a perfect white shirt and clean black bowtie, stepped into the center of the ring, his bald head shining for all to see. However, nopony would dare mock him for his baldness, for this pony was perhaps the most respected creature in the building. He was Millhouse Lane, the official referee for Deathmatch. He ushered Bookit and Bust-up to step forward before he spoke.
“All right you two, I want a good clean fight. Nopony is going to kill any other pony until I say, let’s get it on.” Looking at both fighters, Millhouse’s smug frown never wavered as he raised his voice with what the audience was waiting to here. “Now let’s get it on!” The bell rang and the two pony fighters braced themselves for combat.
“You may be top comedian, Bust-up, but I’m going to topple you like Justice Born did to the weapons trader in my novel,” Bookit taunted.
“Nopony even likes your book. They just pretend to because they like being bored.” The audience laughed at Bust-up’s mediocre joke, making Bookit grind his teeth in anger.
“That’s it! You’re gonna die, clown!”
“Ohhh. The fur is flying already and nopony has even started beating on each other yet, Johnny,” Nick commented.
“Maybe you spoke too soon, Nick. Bookit has jumped onto Bust-up and is mercilessly beating on him with his hooves.”
“I don’t think he has anything else to beat him with, Johnny. He’s a pony.”
Of course, being an obsessive author who focused more on his writing than his exercise, Bookit was rather unequipped to beat on the somewhat pudgy, Bust-up, who merely laughed at the thin pony’s attempts to hurt him, despite being punched in the face. With a mighty heave, Bust-up rolled over and squashed the poor author under his greater weight.
“And it looks like Bust-up has turned the tables on him,” Johnny shouted.
“Who’s laughing now?” Bust-up taunted from his seat above the smaller stallion. “Oh, that’s right. It’s always been me.” He laughed for good measure.
“Bust-up is really showing who’s top dog now, Johnny. I’d say Bookit is being crushed to death.”
It was true. The smaller pony could barely breathe under the weight of the pudgy comedian, whose laughs only served to make breathing even more uncomfortable. However, the laughing gave him a completely unrelated idea. “Let’s see how funny you think this is.” Pulling out his trusty quill, Bookit used it’s strangely sharpened end to poke the comedian in the rump, making the rotund pony jump off in pain.
“And Bookit makes a point that he’s not out yet,” Jonny announced. “That little quill seems to be as sharp as a cactus needle.”
“Oh, it’s sharper than that,” Bookit answered. As Bust-up bounced around holding his rear, Bookit jumped in front of him and jabbed his quill into the comedian’s eye. “Not so funny now, is it?” Bust-up flailed at his eye, desperately trying in vain to pull the quill out with his blunt, ungrabbing hoof, only serving to make his condition worse. Taking further advantage, Bookit pulled out another quill and jammed it into Bust-up’s other eye. The comedian wailed.
“And then our hero gave a mighty kick…,” Bookit announced as he turned around and did just as he claimed, skillfully bucking Bust-up’s eyes into the back of his skull, making him bleed from the inside out. “… and the villain fell, ensuring that the world was a much better place.” As he had dictated, the sudden loss of blood forced the comedian onto the ground. Blood continued to form a pool on the floor as Millhouse bent over him and checked for a pulse. His head bobbed slightly as he counted the heartbeats until he slowed and eventually stopped. He cut his hoof across his throat and stood up. The crowd went wild.
“And the winner is, Bookit!” Millhouse announced as the bell rang.
“I didn’t see that coming, Johnny! It seems Bookit’s dry writing is actually more exciting than I thought it would be.”
“I already have three copies ordered, Nick, although, it looks like our main event was a lot shorter than I was expecting it to be.”
“Not to mention a major upset. I had my money set on Bust-up myself. Looks like this month’s rent is going to be late again.”
“You really should get that gambling addiction fixed, Nick. In any case, this match ended with a real eye sore and I think we can all learn a lesson that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword.”
“And I was really hoping Bust-up would pull out his prop sword too.”
“Me too, Nick. Me too.” Johnny looked around the filled stadium, satisfied that the audience was in an uproar. Nights like these were always well worth it. “Well folks, we’re all out of time. This is Johnny Gomez saying, good fight, good night.”
And so it was a good night for many in the audience who had paid good money to see some of the most famous celebrities in Equestria end each others lives in a fight only a select few could ever dream of living through. However, the surprise victory of Bookit was also the beginning of another battle. Out in the concession stand area, many ponies were already leaving the grounds, some content with the results, others infuriated that their favorite comedian had somehow lost to a little known book author. Among those content and infuriated were two famous earth ponies, one laughing in the face of the other.
“It appears that I, Photo Finish, have won yet another bet. Cough it up, Sapphire.”
Sapphire Shores, the pony of pop herself, begrudgingly signaled to her bodyguard to present the famous fashion photographer with the 1,500 bits she owed her.
“That fight was rigged. There’s no way that puny Bookit could have bested Bust-up,” Sapphire argued.
“But he did, just as I, Photo Finish, predicted.” She rather ungraciously accepted the bits, making a show of commanding her lackeys to stuff it in a suitcase for her before dismissing them. “That’s three bets in a row. Face it, Sapphire, you may be able to sing, but you lack de ability to see true stardom.”
Sapphire smirked menacingly. “The only true star around here is me. These bets are small change that I simply give to you out of the Kindness Of My Heart,” she sang out the last line.
“Ha. You are just a sore loser.”
“Oh?” Sapphire made a signal. “Care to say that to my bodyguard?” A rather large pony in a black suit appeared out of nowhere and cracked his hooves together.
Photo Finish whipped her tail at him dismissively. “No, but I care to say it to your face!”
“Ladies, ladies,” another arrogant voice interrupted. “Come now. Can’t we all just get along?” The voice belonged to Hoity Toity, famous fashion critic extraordinaire. Even through his dark sunglasses, it was obvious he was looking down at them.
“You can’t see stars either you pompous old hack!” Photo Finish retorted. “You also owe me 1,500 bits for this match.”
“That reminds me,” Sapphire suddenly spoke up. “You still owe me last month’s bet for the victory of Ms. Dazzel, the ballerina.” Hoity ground his teeth, forgetting that he had been intending to avoid Sapphire for the remainder of the year.
“As if I carried that much on me with all these poorer ponies around,” Hoity said quickly, trying to regain some ground with the two mares. “I’ll have it the next time we meet.”
“Sure. Just like you promised to have de world’s greatest model show up at that disaster fashion show you hosted,” Photo Finish sneered. “It was a waste to even bring my camera.”
“And what about that horrid shot you took of me during my last tour?” Sapphire commented to Photo. “You made me look like a bedraggled rat from that angle.”
“That’s because you do look like one,” Hoity barked with a laugh.
“Yes. I, Photo Finish, never take bad photographs. It is not my fault if de ponies I shoot happen to look bad on their own. I think I made you look better personally.”
Sapphire steamed, the air around her crackling with pent up anger. “As if you ever had such real talent. I’m more famous than the both of you combined. The world of fashion is nothing without ponies like me to start the trends that you two follow around.”
“Follow around? I decide what is in and I know that none of those ‘in’ looks ever started with you,” Hoity countered.
“That’s because you’re eye for fashion is blinded by your own failure to dress stylishly yourself.” Both mares laughed at that.
Hoity Toity put up a fake smile, desperately trying to keep up his composure. “Well… before we descend into petty insults, I’d say the one thing the three of us can agree on is that we hate each other.”
“Agreed,” Photo answered.
“Aaaaaaab-so-lute-ly!” Sapphire sang out.
“Let’s say we settle our differences once and for all?” Hoity’s fake smile changed to a true smirk. “In the ring.”
Sapphire raised an eyebrow. “You mean in Deathmatch?”
“Precisely.”
“A little late for that,” Photo argued. “Exhibition matches are already over for this month.”
“I’m not talking about these silly exhibition matches. You know what happens next month don’t you?”
“The Celebrity Deathmatch Tournament,” Sapphire answered with a devilish grin.
“Next month? Already? Nope. Can’t be done.” Photo Finish held her hoof out and looked away. “I’m going to de Horsemalayas to search for my next big star next month.”
“Your next big star?” Hoity laughed. “Tell me Photo, how many bits do I owe you today?”
“1,500. Pay up.” She held her hoof out expectantly.
“And how many bits do I owe Ms. Shores?”
“35,000,” Sapphire answered. Photo Finished gaped at the amount.
“Why do you suppose that is?” Hoity feigned a methodical appearance. “I think I know the answer. You don’t have much money to throw around these days, do you?” Photo growled in annoyance. “I’m right aren’t I? Your career is going down the drain. You’re just trying to get out of this because you’re not going to be famous for much longer.”
“Did I just hear a challenge?” Tally Wong, official interviewer for Celebrity Deathmatch, ran up to the three bickering celebrities. “Sounds like the perfect grounds for a Deathmatch. I can get the papers for you if you really think you have what it takes. I would get a heck of a raise if I could get you three into the ring.”
“Don’t you know who I am? I’m Hoity Toity. I signed up for this tournament after the last one four years ago.”
“What a coincidence. I happen to be Signed Up as Well,” Sapphire Shores sang.
“It seems we were fated to fight even without this falling photographer to spur us on. She’s just not celebrity material anymore.”
Photo Finish growled again, this time like a dog with rabies. “I, Photo Finish, will prove you wrong. You want Deathmatch? Fine. I, Photo Finish, will give you Deathmatch!”

The paperwork was quite steep. Photo Finish had to sign several wavers and other documents before she could even sign the official entry form.
“There. That’s de last one. Anything else?” Photo said, arrogantly pointing her hoof at Hoity and Sapphire who had watched the whole thing.
“We just need you to sign your name one last time here and mark it with a small blood stain,” the secretary in front of her said, almost sounding bored. “Please remember that even though Deathmatch is not officially known or recognized by Canterlot rule, once you sign, you are legally bound by our underground committee to participate or else be forced into retirement and financial ruin.”
“Yes, yes, yes. You’ve told me that with every paper. Let me sign.” After Photo signed, the secretary gave her a knife. Photo Finish cut her hoof slightly and stamped it on the paper, making it official.
“Very good. The paperwork is all done. Welcome to Deathmatch, Ms. Finish.”
“Ha ha. Now we’ll see who has last laugh,” Photo mocked her fellow celebrities.
“Now if you would, Ms. Finish, who is your partner going to be?”
Photo Finish turned back to the secretary with a start. “Partner?”
“Yes, Ms. Finish. Do you care to submit the name of your tag partner?”
“Tag partner!? This is a tag team tournament!?”
“In every sense of the word, yes. Our sponsors thought it would spice things up this year so they could jack up the admission prices, as if they didn’t make enough money off of this already.”
“But… but I don’t have a tag partner.”
“That’s fine.”
“That’s fine? What do you mean that’s fine?”
“Rules state that only one of the two participants has to die in order for a victory to be determined. As such, participating one on two is perfectly acceptable if one wishes to do so.”
“What? One on two!? I can’t do that! I decline to participate!”
“You already signed the papers, Ms. Finish and you know the rules. If you drop out now, you’ll be financially crushed and forcefully retired from your job.” She pointed to a glass window behind which sat six large griffins in dark clothing and shades, most of whom were calmly reading newspapers or comic books. One of them busily sharpened a knife. “Them’s the breaks I’m afraid.”
Photo gaped at the griffins for a moment before turning an evil glare to Hoity and Sapphire, though her glare was hidden behind her sunglasses. “You knew about this! You set me up!”
“Us? Whatever do you mean? I thought you knew,” Hoity said mockingly.
“Our rivalry is a bitter one, Photo. Having one less annoyance in the world is quite a comfort,” Sapphire said with a smile. “If it makes you feel any better though, this jerk and I aren’t on the same team. Only one of the three of us is going to come out of this victoriously… and maybe alive.”
“Fine. Then I’ll get a partner before de tournament starts,” Photo barked.
“Forgive me for asking, but… who?” Hoity asked haughtily. “I know you pretty well and I know you have a lot of enemies in the industry.”
“My lackey back there. He’ll do whatever I tell him.” At his mention, the so-called lackey gulped and started to look around for an exit.
“I think you’re forgetting that this is Celebrity Deathmatch. That guy doesn’t even have a name. There’s no way he qualifies,” Hoity interjected.
Photo Finish swallowed. “I… I could ask… my model…,”
“Your model?” Sapphire laughed. “You mean that Windy what’s her name? The failure? Hardly anypony even knows her. She’s not enough of a celebrity to enter.”
“Well… um… I mean…,”
“Face it Photo Finish, you’ve made too many enemies. You’re finished.” Hoity Toity laughed and Sapphire even had the gall to join him. “I told you your career was going down the toilet. You haven’t had a successful spotlight since that other model you discovered.”
“Other model?” A light bulb suddenly clicked in Photo Finish’s head. “Wait a minute, don’t former celebrities count?” she asked the secretary.
“Well… yeah. If they’re famous enough.”
Photo smiled. “Then I, Photo Finish, have a tag partner.” Hoity Toity and Sapphire Shores both raised an eyebrow, wondering just who Photo Finish had in mind.

Fluttershy yelped and ducked under Twilight’s table. She covered her eyes and shivered, waiting for the scary monster to leave.
“Uh… Fluttershy?” her friend Rainbow Dash said. “It was just a party popper.” Behind her, their other friend Pinkie Pie popped another, making the same noise that had scared Fluttershy the first time.
“Oh… um… I knew that.” Fluttershy smiled. “I was just… looking for some cake.”
“Under the table?” Twilight Sparkle asked her. “Last I checked, Spike has never hidden any of his snacks under the table.” Fluttershy crawled out from under the table and sighed. Twilight put a hoof around her. “It’s okay Fluttershy. We all understand. Don’t we girls?”
“Of course we do,” Rarity told her. “You’re our friend. We wouldn’t fault you for being afraid of loud noises.”
“It wasn’t that loud,” Rainbow said, granting her an elbow from Rarity.
“Rainbow is right,” Fluttershy admitted. “I’m nothing but a scaredy pony.”
“It don’t matter to us, Sugar Cube. We like you just the way you are,” Applejack told her after taking a bite of some party cake.
“Besides, you wouldn’t be the spirit of kindness if you were anypony else,” Twilight pointed out.
Though it was only mildly comforting, Fluttershy smiled, glad that she had such good friends.
“Come on! Let’s turn that frown upside-down and keep the party going! You don’t win the best librarian in Ponyville award, every day!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, shoving a piece of cake in Twilight’s mouth.
“Somehow I get the feeling that Twilight will win it again next year too,” Rainbow said getting a laugh out of everypony, save for Twilight and Fluttershy. The timid pegasus was busy giving Twilight the Heimlich as she choked on the cake.
Suddenly, the door burst open, scaring Fluttershy into squeezing extra hard. Twilight coughed up the cake on the ground as a familiar light cyan earth pony in a black and white striped dress appeared in the room. “I, Photo Finish… have awwived.”
“Photo Finish!?” Fluttershy exclaimed, surprisingly loud.
“Fluttershy, there you are.” Photo approached her, signaling for her lackeys. The lackeys presented a suitcase and then promptly left at Photo’s dismissal. “Are you still in good physical condition?”
“Um… I guess,” Fluttershy replied timidly.
“Are you still as graceful as ever?”
“Um… maybe… if you think so…,”
Photo Finish opened the suitcase and thrust a series of papers and a quill at the bewildered light amber pegasus. “Here. Sign these now.”
“Okay…,” Fluttershy squeaked, reaching for the quill.
“Wait! Wait a minute! Don’t sign anything, Fluttershy,” Rarity interjected. “Photo Finish, how dare you try to force poor Fluttershy into being a model again. And in such a disgraceful manor.” Then she smiled sweetly. “Of course, if you perchance want to do a photo shoot with some of my designs then we might be able to accommodate you.”
“I am not here to see your crappy designs or make Fluttershy a model. I am here because Fluttershy was a model.”
At Photo’s sudden beckoning, her lackeys appeared and turned a spotlight over her. “Do not forget that I, Photo Finish, made you, Fluttershy, a household name. You were de greatest and most graceful model Equestria has ever seen.” The lackeys turned another spotlight on Fluttershy who squinted in the bright light. “And now I, Photo Finish, come to you once again.” She made a signal and the lackeys turned out the spotlights and disappeared. “I want you to help me win Celebrity Deathmatch.”
“Celebrity… Death… match?” Fluttershy whispered.
“What the heck is that? It sounds like a serious competition. Can I enter?” Rainbow asked.
“No!” Photo answered curtly. “Only celebrities may participate.”
“So… what’s the problem?” Rainbow asked, striking a pose. Everypony groaned.
“But, I’m not a celebrity,” Fluttershy argued.
“But you were. You still have dedicated fans. Have you never heard of de Flutterchans?” Fluttershy’s blank stare was answer enough. “That’s your fan club. It is still going strong. It is proof that you are still a celebrity. Now sign de papers.”
“I have a fan club,” Rainbow muttered.
“Hold on!” Twilight interrupted. “I’ve never even heard of this Celebrity Deathmatch before. And whatever it is, the name alone sounds really dangerous. Fluttershy’s not going to agree to anything until you tell us what it is.”
And thus over the course of five quick minutes, Photo Finish explained all the wonders and grizzly deaths of the secret world of celebrities much to the growing shock of the six mares in front of her.
After Photo Finish finished her explanation, Twilight blinked as she tried to absorb what she had just heard. “Let me get this straight, you’re saying that there is a competition where celebrities get together so they can beat each other to a bloody pulp, ultimately in the hopes of killing each other in the most brutal way possible, and all for sake of entertainment?”
“Yes.”
“And this is legal?”
“Legal? Of course it’s not legal. That’s why it’s called underground tournament.”
“And ya’ll want Fluttershy to participate in this thing?” Applejack said angrily. “You’re crazier than a goose protectin’ her chicks.”
“Goslings,” Twilight corrected.
“Whatever. The point is, I ain’t gonna let Fluttershy join in this craziness of yours.”
“She must!” Photo protested. “It is not just for Deathmatch, it is for me.”
“Excuse me?”
One of Photo Finish’s lackeys suddenly appeared again and started to play a sad song on a violin. “I have already been tricked into participating in de tournament. De paperwork is final. I cannot back out now or else I, Photo Finish, will be crushed and ruined. I’ll lose everything.”
“You should have thought of that before you signed up,” Applejack said rather rudely.
The violin stopped. “Did I not just get done saying that I, Photo Finish, was tricked?”
“That sounds like an awfully difficult thing to be tricked into,” Rarity said.
Photo scowled and harrumphed. “Believe what you will, but it happened and there is nothing I can do about it.”
“And what do you expect Fluttershy to do? This tournament of yours sounds dangerous and quite frankly, dreadful.”
“That’s because it is. It’s de deadliest and most popular sport in de underworld.”
“In the underworld? You mean like criminal activity?” Applejack asked.
“We wouldn’t use that word specifically but I suppose if you want to call it that.”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Look, however you want to call it, the bottom line is we can’t approve of this. I mean maybe I could if it was Equestrian Gladiators, but-”
“Bah!” Photo objected, turning her nose up. “A padded sport like that is for pansies.”
“I’m a pansy. I’ll do that instead,” Fluttershy spoke up.
“I don’t know. I think even Equestrian Gladiators would be too much for Fluttershy,” Dash said, rubbing her chin.
“Oh… well in that case maybe I shouldn’t.”
“That’s because you should fight with me in Deathmatch.”
“Now see here, Photo Finish, there is no way we are going to let some villain like you steal our Fluttershy away into this dark demented world of yours,” Rarity said.
“Why does everypony consider me, Photo Finish, to be a villain? All I did was force Fluttershy to be a model against her will, took thousands of compromising pictures of her, and controlled every moment of her life. Is that really so evil?”
“Yes!” everypony shouted.
“Fine. Then I am sorry. Now accept my apology and become my partner, Fluttershy!” Everypony groaned.
“Okay everypony, new plan,” Pinkie announced. “We’re moving the party to Sugarcube Corner. Come on, this way, move along, move along.” She ushered them all out the door but stopped Photo Finish when she tried to follow. “Not you missy. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but you are not invited to the party.” Pinkie glared at her for about two seconds and burst into tears. “Oh, that feels so wrong to say! My life as a party planner is over!”
Applejack came back in and put her hoof around her. “Its okay, Pinkie. You’ll be fine.” Then she glared at Photo Finish. “You stay away from Fluttershy, or so help me Celestia, I’ll hogtie you and send you out to work with my crazy cousin, Apple Sauce.”
“But… but you don’t understand-”
“I understand enough. Don’t bother Fluttershy with your nonsense.”
“But I-” Slam! Applejack shut the door behind her and kicked dust over it.
“Good riddance.”
“Wait a minute,” Twilight said in sudden realization. “This is my library. Why am I leaving? I should be kicking her out, not locking her in.”
“Let’s just leave before she tries to follow us, Twilight,” Rarity said.
“She already knows where were going. In any case, what were we going to do? Hide from her until she leaves Ponyville? I’m going to go back in there and talk to her.”
“But Twilight, you don’t have to do that,” Fluttershy protested.
“Its okay, Fluttershy. Lecturing is my specialty. Besides, Pinkie’s not feeling like herself right now so let’s have the party some other time.” Pinkie was sitting on the ground like an abandoned puppy in the rain, still mulling over her remark to Photo Finish.
“Wouldn’t it be easier just to kick her out of town or somthin’? She is harassin’ Fluttershy after all,” Applejack asked.
“No need to bother. You know me. I’ll have everything under control before you can say, Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis.”
Her friends stared.
“Before you can say what?” Rainbow finally asked.
“Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis. It’s the longest word in a major English dictionary.”
“So… this is going to take a really long time then or…?”
Twilight groaned. “Never mind. Everypony just go home and I’ll take care of this.” Opening the door with her magic, Twilight grabbed Photo Finish and pushed her into a chair. The last thing her friends saw was the door closing.

Twilight walked through town quickly, trying to keep up with Photo Finish. After almost two hours of debate, Photo still wasn’t seeing Twilight’s point, nor did she care to even listen, which frustrated Twilight even more. Unfortunately, the photography mogul already knew where Fluttershy lived and was on her way there. Meanwhile, Twilight had partially given up on lecturing her and was instead trying to get answers.
“Look, I’m just having trouble wrapping my head around this whole Deathmatch idea. What is it you really do there?”
“What do you mean, what do I really do? Celebrities fight and try to kill each other and other ponies bet who wins.”
“Yeah, but what do they really do?”
“I don’t get what you’re trying to say.”
“Come on, Photo Finish, you can’t really expect me to believe that you can let a bunch of celebrities die and nopony in Canterlot, particularly Princess Celestia, isn’t going to know about it. So come on, what do you really do there?”
“I keep telling you what we do. What is there not to believe?”
Twilight laughed meagerly. “I don’t think your getting what I’m saying at all. It’s just not plausible. It’s not possible either. There’s no way the Princess couldn’t know about it. How do you cover it up?”
“How am I supposed to know? I don’t run it.”
“Right…” Twilight sighed. Well, those were answers she was just going to have to figure out later. “So listen, about Fluttershy-”
“There is nopony else. Fluttershy is de only pony who can help me.”
“That can’t be true. Besides, even if you really did fight in this Celebrity Deathmatch thing, Fluttershy would be a terrible partner. She’s not very strong, she’s not a good flier, she’s afraid of heights, plus, she wouldn’t hurt a fly. Okay, so maybe one time I saw her feeding fish to some weasels, which means she had to have caught and killed those fish to do that, and she also feeds worms to birds, which means she consciously kills worms, but other than that, Fluttershy would never lift a hoof to harm another living creature. And even if she did, she’s just not strong enough to do any real damage or…”
Twilight was interrupted by a loud roar. As she and Photo Finish rounded the path to Fluttershy’s cottage, they saw the yellow pegasus standing outside.
“Is that a bear?” Photo asked, alarmed.
“Yes…”
The bear roared but Fluttershy stared right down its throat. Ducking underneath it with amazing agility and speed, she kicked the bear down from behind and started wrestling with it. Photo gaped as the bear started to pound the ground for mercy. Fluttershy pulled the bear up and twisted its neck, sending the bear to the ground, limp.
Photo smiled. “She’s perfect.”
Twilight facehoofed. “Why does she only do that when I want to help her with a problem?”
As the two ponies neared the awful scene, Fluttershy was smiling and gently rubbing the bear’s shoulders. “So much tension again. You need to come see me more often.”
“Fluttershy, that was amazing!” Photo shouted. Fluttershy stopped rubbing the bear’s shoulders and stared at the fashion mogul. “This seals it. You are de only one who can be my partner!”
“No she can’t. She’s harmless and totally defenseless in a fight. You would lose for sure!” Twilight argued again.
“After what she did to that bear, I can’t imagine any partner better than Fluttershy.”
“Can I say something?” Fluttershy asked but Twilight talked right over her.
“Fluttershy would be the worst partner ever. She has the heart of a coward and the strength of a butterfly. She even lost a tug-of-war match to one once.”
“I got better,” Fluttershy remarked. “I can best twelve butterflies easy now.”
“With moves like that, not even Princess Celestia herself could take her down,” Photo continued, not listening to a word Twilight or Fluttershy said.
“Yes, but… but…” Twilight groaned. “Okay… plan B.” Her horn ignited in magic and Photo Finish disappeared in a bright flash.
“Twilight, what did you do!?” Fluttershy asked in concern.
“I just sent her outside of town somewhere… I think. Anyway, you should try to keep away from her for a while.”
“But I can’t hide until next month. What about the critters?”
“Don’t worry. I’m going to go find her and see if I can get her on the next train back to Canterlot. I’m sure all your animal friends can survive until tomorrow.
Fluttershy looked at the bear she was standing on and whimpered. The bear smiled and nodded at her. “Well, if you say so, Twilight. What should I do now?”
“Just go home and get some sleep. I won’t rest until Photo Finish is out of town.” With her promise made, Twilight set out to find the photography mogul and make her listen to reason. She was already composing her next lecture, which would work for sure this time.

Fluttershy yawned and stretched as she got out of bed. She had had a very cheerful dream about taking care of a family of puppies that needed her, and had woken with feelings of sunshine and joy in her soul. Opening the curtains, she saw that it was a beautiful day. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the sun’s rays glowed and invigorated her. Heading downstairs, she tiptoed past Angel who was still asleep in his basket. It was time to wake up all her animal friends so they could enjoy the day, but Angel was special and she intended to wake him up with a fresh carrot from the garden outside. Afterwards, she would spend most the rest of the morning gently waking the others, wishing them all a good morning. Before heading outside, Fluttershy opened the window to take in the fresh morning air.
“Fluttershy, become my partner for Deathmatch!”
And Fluttershy closed the window and lowered the blinds. It was one of those mornings where it was probably best to let all her animal friends sleep in for an hour. Or two. Or three.
A loud knocking at the door made Fluttershy cringe. “I know you’re in in there! I can hear you breathing!” Fluttershy held her breath and covered her ears as the knocking intensified. Apparently, Twilight had failed to convince Photo Finish to leave her alone. Either that or Twilight hadn’t been able to find her and Photo found her way back to town unchallenged. Fluttershy didn’t want to have anything to do with the scary competition and that was that, but Photo just wasn’t taking the hint. Maybe if she waited long enough, the fashion photographer would just go away. The knocking turned to pounding. If this kept up, Photo was going to wake up all of Fluttershy’s animal friends in a very unpleasant way.
Suddenly remembering that she was still holding her breath, Fluttershy breathed again and made up her mind. She was just going to have to tell her, no. Maybe even with force this time. It certainly was making her feel rather angry. She was just beginning to feel the slightest bit irritated, similarly to how she felt when Rainbow Dash tried to make her watch all those scary dragons flying so close to Ponyville. With her mind made up and taking a deep breath, Fluttershy bravely unlocked the latch to her door and opened it.
Perhaps it was unfortunate that the door opened inwards or that Photo Finish was still pounding on it, because when Fluttershy opened it, Photo’s hoof flew in and pounded her in the head. Fluttershy only remembered hearing Photo saying something about the tournament before the world went black.

Fluttershy startled awake when a flood of cold water turned on her. She started trying to swim, but realized that she was flat on her back and she was actually on solid ground.
“You awake?” Photo asked, turning off the hose. “Good. Now listen to my proposal.”
Fluttershy shivered in the cold as she stared at the other mare. Her mane was dripping wet and her coat was going to need conditioning if she didn’t dry off soon. “Photo Finish, please… I don’t want to-”
“Just listen. I, Photo Finish, have a plan. We are going to win this tournament.”
“That’s a plan?”
“No, no, pay attention. This tournament is a tag team, so you and I will have to fight separately and switch at opportune moments. I’ve seen free for alls in Deathmatch before and I can tell you that the best time to switch is while one of us is holding our opponent down. When we do that, de other can tag in and deliver a finishing blow.”
“You mean like… give them cake?”
“No…”
“A hug?”
“No!”
“Oh! Give them a new kitty!?” Fluttershy smiled lovingly, thinking of some of the critters in the backyard.
Photo Finish facehoofed. “The object is to kill your opponent, not care for them!”
Fluttershy’s smile faded to pure shock and then to horror. “Kill?”
“Yes.”
“But ponies die when they’re killed,” Fluttershy whined.
Photo Finish raised an eyebrow. “And? What is your point?”
“That is my point. I was hoping you didn’t understand that.” If a pony could see Photo Finish’s eyes behind her shades, then perhaps she would be rolling them.
“We are celebrities. Don’t you know Celebrities can get away with murder? That football player did it.”
“But I never wanted to be a celebrity. I just want to be Fluttershy.”
“And you are. Fluttershy the ex-model. Just imagine the cheers of de fans when you come out of retirement to fight in de greatest tournament in all of Equestria. Just imagine… what is this?”
Fluttershy turned to her right. Standing next to her, tapping his foot impatiently, was her pet bunny, Angel. He didn’t look very happy.
“I’m sorry, Angel, did we wake you?” Angel held up his paw, signaling her to be silent. Strolling up to Photo Finish without any fear, he looked her in the shades and kicked her hoof. “Angel, no! That’s not very nice.”
Angel pointed at Photo and held out his other paw as if to say, “And what is she doing to you? Hello?”
“Forget de stupid rabbit.” Photo Finish swatted Angel away, knocking him into the bushes. “I’m asking you to be my partner. Are you going to do it or not?”
Photo tried to be demanding, but she was surprised when Fluttershy suddenly glared at her. “How dare you hurt, Angel! He was just trying to defend me!” Photo actually took a step back. Fluttershy was giving her the most powerful thing on the face of the planet. The Stare. “Listen, Photo Finish, I let you push me around before, but I’m not going to stand for it anymore. You can take your proposal and leave.” She pointed down the path to emphasize.
“Does this mean you don’t want to fight with me?”
“My friends keep telling me I need to be more assertive, so I’m going to be more assertive. No!”
Photo appeared momentarily shocked. Nopony had ever spoken to her like that. Whether she was just that brave or whether her sunglasses gave her +50 resistance, nopony could say, but Photo stared right back into Fluttershy’s Stare. “Fine. I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me with no choice.” Fluttershy tried to keep up her Stare but paused when Photo took a deep breath and fell on the ground at her hooves. “Please! You’re de only pony I can turn too! I’m trapped in de tournament and nopony cares!”
Though the sudden outburst had softened her, Fluttershy was determined to keep up her resolve. “I… I’m sorry Photo Finish, but I just can’t. Maybe you can get one of your friends to help you.”
“I’m a celebrity, I don’t have any real friends! Besides, most of them are already in de tournament anyway, but de point is, I have no one else to ask.”
“You… don’t have any friends? Not any?”
“You’re my only hope, Fluttershy. I know that I, Photo Finish, didn’t treat you well, or considered your feelings, or made you feel comfortable when I forced you into a life you didn’t want, but I have changed. You might be de only friend I have in all of Equestria.”
“Really?”
“Really!”
That couldn’t be right. Everypony had friends. Everypony had to have friends. Nevertheless, Photo’s tears seemed to be legitimate, at least to the fragile, easily moved heart of the kind pegasus. Celebrity Deathmatch sounded like a horrible and all around bad event, but Fluttershy’s heart couldn’t let Photo face her trial. Not alone at least.
Wiping away a tear of her own, Fluttershy nodded her head. “Okay, Photo. I’ll… I’ll compete with you.”
“You will?!” Photo’s smile couldn’t be contained by the largest of barrels and her tears evaporated as if they were never there to begin with. She signaled to her lackeys who immediately jumped out of the bushes and presented Fluttershy with a stack of papers. “Just sign these and provide a blood sample and everything will be official.”
“Blood sample?”
“Yes. You must cut yourself and provide a blood sample.” One of the lackeys silently produced a very sharp looking knife. Fluttershy stared at it and fainted.