CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA, THY PRINCESS ADDRESSES THEE DIRECTLY TODAY!
Y–your Majesty, you really don't need to shout.
BUT IF WE DO NOT RAISE OUR VOICE, HOW CAN OUR SUBJECTS BE EXPECTED TO HEAR US FROM SUCH GREAT DISTANCES?
The radio will transmit your voice as spoken from Canterlot to receivers all over the country, Your Majesty. Please stop shouting.
Ah yes, the newfangled sorcery that we have heard so much about never ceases to amaze us! Very well, then, let us continue!
Thank you, Your Majesty.
Pay heed to our words, listeners! We shall not suffer the indignity of having our most sacred institutions and dignitaries attacked by rabble–rousers! I hereby swear enmity to those conspirators that would undermine our rule and commit such base acts of treachery against peaceful refugees.
The noose draws close around thy necks, scoundrels, and when it does, thou shalt regret thy actions most dearly when thy turn comes up on the rack!
Wait, what do you mean by 'illegal'? How can it be illegal if the princess does it?
Well, then what will she allow me to do?
What? Not even a little fire?
HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED TO OPERATE UNDER SUCH CONVOLUTED RESTRICTIONS?
The Friendship Express pulled into the Ponyville train station early Wednesday morning. Two passengers stepped off the train; one was a pink unicorn, while the other was an undisguised changeling. Ace looked around nervously at the few ponies present on the platform, but if any of them objected to his presence, they had the good manners to keep it to themselves.
"Ace! Stiletto!" Creme Brulee waved to them from beyond the exit. "Welcome back!"
Ace grinned and hugged Creme. "Good to see you too."
"I heard what happened, and I'm so sorry. I flew in to visit you while you were out, but the guards said I could only get in if I had official business, by order of Celestia."
"It's alright, I was just knocked out for a few hours. It'll take more than dark magic to stop Ace Gambit, bodyguard for hire!" He beat the chitin on his chest proudly.
Stiletto dug a hoof into his side. "Certainly seems to have stopped you from transforming."
"I assure you, any deficiencies in my magical abilities is due entirely to hospital food," Ace declared haughtily. "Now, I believe we have paychecks to earn?"
"You two kids have fun," Creme chuckled. "Drop by the Everfree Castle later if you have time, I'll be planting crops for the colony!"
They waved goodbye to Creme before walking to their shops. Ace came to an abrupt stop in front of the Open Book, and Stiletto took her eyes off of him and followed his gaze to see that the door of the shop had been kicked in. The interior was a wreck of overturned bookshelves and books strewn about the floor. Even the stand of postcards had been knocked down again.
Ace walked in and banged his head against the wall. "Skeleton Key is not going to be happy when she finds out about this. Thank Celestia she's not a morning pony — maybe we can get this cleaned up before she shows up."
Stiletto looked around nervously. "Come on, we should report this to Mayor Mare."
"What'll she do?" Ace laughed. "Dust for hoofprints? Ask Princess Twilight to step in? Call in a special investigative team from Canterlot?"
Stiletto looked around. He did have a point; Mayor Mare was not a detective, the nearest actual police force was miles away, and Princess Twilight did have affairs of state to manage.
"Holy…" A large brown and white pinto wearing a duster and bowler hat stood in the doorway with her mouth hanging open. She shook a hoofful of mane out of her hazel eyes to get a better look. "What in tarnation happened here?"
"Anti–literacy advocates," Ace grumbled. "Here for your book, Deadwood?"
Stiletto gasped and immediately dropped into a fighting stance, with her horn pointed right at Deadwood. "You know this ruffian?"
"Now ladies, I don't know what's going on–"
"Then allow me to enlighten you," Stiletto sneered. "This is Deadwood, member of the Royal Flush gang, and henchpony of Bad Horse."
Ace raised an eyebrow. "The thoroughbred of sin?"
"Consarn it, that's low–down slander!" Deadwood growled back. "I'm an honest mare, pure and simple. Anyone who says otherwise is a dirty liar!"
"Including all those eyewitnesses who saw you blow up Sheriff Scorpio's railway car?"
Deadwood started pawing at the ground. "How about all them ponies I was gamblin' with at the saloon when it happened?"
"We'll leave that to the police!" Stiletto's horn glowed as she field lifted Deadwood into the air.
Her triumph was short lived as Deadwood reached out to the ground with both of her forelegs. Stiletto immediately dropped to her knees, with sweat beading on her forehead as she strained to keep her captive in the air. Ace watched in awe as the ground outside the shop bulged upwards slightly to meet Deadwood's hooves as the pinto drifted ever closer to the ground. Sweat rolled down Stiletto's brow as Deadwood planted all four hooves on the ground, then slowly advanced towards her, panting heavily from Stiletto's telekinetic grasp.
Ace quickly blocked the doorway. "Come on! Break it up! No fighting in the shop!"
Stiletto relented, but kept her eyes locked on Deadwoood. "Fine, but you would be well advised to return what dirty money this scoundrel gave to you."
"Sorry, Stiletto, but she's innocent until proven guilty." Ace pointed his horn towards the books. "Go Go Gambit Book Retriever!"
His horn glowed, but nothing happened.
"What the…no, it can't be, my magic's not that weak." To prove the point, he cast the spell again and pulled 'Lulamoon West Versus the Devil Dogs' out of the wreckage. "Your book isn't here anymore!"
"You mean to tell me the same varmints that trashed your shop stole my book?"
Stiletto gave her an odd look. "You ordered a statistics textbook?"
"I needed it to prepare for the big poker tournament in Los Pegasus next month," Deadwood grumbled. "Had to come all the way back to civilization to buy the darn thing, and now it's gone."
"And you think the group of thugs who broke into here stole it?" Stiletto scoffed. "Perhaps for some light reading as they're plotting their next crime?"
Deadwood flared her nostrils and snorted. "How the hay should I know? It's not like I go around stealing stuff and wrecking shops."
Stiletto crossed her forelegs. "I suppose the Eye of Mexicolt just disappeared on its own, then?"
Ace ignored the bickering mares and opened the cash register. He sighed with relief as he saw that it was still full of bits. "Well, I'm sorry about all this unpleasantness, Deadwood. I can offer you a refund, if you'd like."
He reached for the money, but Deadwood laid a firm hoof on his foreleg. "Don't bother, 'tain't your fault. You don't owe me any debts."
"So I take it you're going to leave immediately and buy a new book?" Stiletto asked hopefully.
Deadwood glared at her. "Naw, I was thinkin' 'bout trackin' down the miscreants who've stolen my stuff." She turned to Ace. "What'd you say, partner? Wanna see to it that some good, old–fashioned justice gets served?"
He slammed the register shut and turned to face her with his most dramatic poise. "You know what? I think I am. No vandal wrecks the shop of Ace Gambit, private investigator for hire, and just gets away with it!"
Stiletto promptly brought her hoof up to her forehead. "Ace, think this through. Are you seriously considering joining this outlaw to try and capture a violent anti–changeling group?"
Ace briefly considered the question. "Well, I've read a lot of detective novels and books on surveillance techniques, forensics, and more!"
"Ace, academic knowledge and issues of Fetlock Holmes does not qualify you to become a private investigator, and you need to get a license for it in any case."
Deadwood winked at her. "Worried I might steal your coltfriend, kid? Not really my style, but I can see why you're concerned."
"I...what? He's not my…" Stiletto quickly shut her mouth as Ace's face fell. "Not that we couldn't be, but we haven't…"
"Aw, relax, I was just teasing," Deadwood chuckled. "But if you're worried, then either get on the wagon or out of the way, I don't much care which."
Stiletto fixed her with a cold stare. "I really should just call a princess down on you, but I'm sticking with Ace. Somepony must keep him out of trouble."
She slid up to Ace and leaned against him. Ace grinned so wide that he bared his fangs. "Alright, looks like we're both coming along."
"Then put 'er there," Deadwood held out her hoof and smiled as Ace and a rather reluctant Sitletto piled their hooves on her's. "Let's get this place cleaned up and ourselves on the road!"
Ace surveyed the shop and tapped his chin. "But my mystery novels always say to look for evidence. Hopefully, whoever did this left something behind."
Deadwood rubbed her hooves together. "You mean like a matchbook from the hotel they're staying at?"
"Oh yes! And we can dust for hoof prints! That's how my detective novels usually go."
Stiletto shook her head "No offence, Ace, but dusting for prints is old fashioned. Detectives use ultraviolet light now."
"Pardon?"
"You know, ultraviolet light. High frequency electromagnetic radiation just beyond the violet portion of the visual spectrum." The other two looked at her in confusion. "It's the reason you get sunburns."
"My, you sure do use your tongue prettier than a twenty–bit whore," Deadwood finally managed.
Stiletto rolled her eyes. "More importantly, it causes bodily oils and fluids to fluoresce upon absorption."
"That sounds really useful!" Ace's horn lit up and a beam of white light shot out onto the cash register. "Ok, so let's start with a basic light spell, modify it to mimic natural sunlight. compare the difference, and…ah! I see, so we'll just remove the visible portion and…"
The beam of light disappeared, but the register looked the same as it did before. Deadwood reached for the blinds on the shop window and plunged the interior into darkness. The spot on the register where Ace had been aiming earlier was bathed in a soft blue light as weeks worth of hoofprints stood out on the surface.
"Eureka! I shall call it the Gambit Evidence Illuminator!"
Deadwood tipped her bowler hat up to look at the glowing prints. "Well, bend me over a barrel and buck me silly! That sure is some fancy learning you got there, Miss Stiletto."
"Just a little trick I learned when I was in grade school. I only remembered it because I use it to check for counterfeit currency." Her horn glowed, and another section of the register became lit up by ultraviolet light. "Come on, we might as well do a sweep of the shop."
"I reckon I won't be of much use, what with me not having a horn and all, so I'll just hang by the door." There was the flash of flame in the darkness over by Deadwood, followed by the glowing ember of a cigarette and the distinct smell of menthol and valerian root. "Gotta say, don't much envy your chances; place like this is bound to have all sorts of prints."
Ace's light bobbed up and down as he trotted through the aisles. "Well, it's good practice even if I don't find anything. I'm always up for learning new things."
"Just keep an eye out for anything that shouldn't belong," Stiletto added from the other end of the shop. "I'd hate to miss something obvious."
"How 'bout this ticket?" Both ultraviolet lights focused on Deadwood, who was standing next to a trashcan holding the stub of a train ticket.
Stiletto immediately snatched it out of her hooves with her telekinesis. "You shouldn't contaminate the evidence! Urgh, it's already got your hoofprints on it."
"Sorry, darlin'. I stepped on it while I was throwin' away my match. Ya'll reckon it's got anything to do with all this?"
Ace glanced at the stub saw that it was for the train from Canterlot, dated the day before. "Probably! Let me check the store records and see if we've made any sales recently."
He walked behind the counter and pulled out a logbook. "Hm, looks like we've made a hoofful of sales since I was gone, but they're all locals, and not the type to take trips to Canterlot."
Stiletto peered over his shoulder. "Well, if our suspect is from Canterlot, it stands to reason that he went back there after the job was done. We might be able to find his name on the passenger manifest at the train station."
"Just a moment, I don't want Skeleton Key losing any more money on this place." Ace scooped up the parts of the doorframe that had broken off. "Go Go Gambit Fixit!"