“Twilight, what are you doing now?” Rarity asks, following her marefriend upstairs as Twilight carries the sonic rifle up to her room. “You know, that object has a great deal of sentimental value to me.”
“I know,” Twilight says, opening the door to her room. “But I need it if I’m going to save the town.”
Rarity rolls her eyes before glancing at the solid fleshy mass that’s formed around her house. “I highly doubt the sonic rifle’s going to have any effect against… that thing.”
“Absolutely not. Well… probably not,” Twilight says as she places the sonic rifle on her work desk and opens up its chassis. “Even if we can find a sonic frequency that hurts it, I won’t be able to effectively modify the sonic rifle in the field. I guess we could make the modifications for future raids, but I’d prefer it if we didn’t alter this version too much.” Twilight pulls a microphone from her workbench and works to connect it with the sonic rifle.
“So then… what’s your plan, Twilight? Is there anything I can do to help?” Rarity asks, frowning as she steps forward to observe Twilight’s modifications to her rifle. Rarity tries to decide if she’s happy or annoyed that her marefriend could already modify her inventions… at least, the simpler ones.
“I’d tell you, but… It’s kind of morally ambiguous, and I’d prefer it if nopony knew this type of thing is possible.” Twilight gives Rarity a tiny smile before kissing Rarity on the cheek. “You know I’d tell you if I could, but… what I’m about to do to Trixie is probably the worst thing I’ve ever done. I wouldn’t even have considered it before coming to this town, but… if the choice is save the town or not do this, I’m going to save the town.”
Rarity smiles at Twilight, hoping the mare finds it comforting. “You don’t have to save the town, dear. Hardly anypony’s died since the first wave of shellings stopped, and I’m sure that, in time, our town can learn to live with its newest resident.”
“It’s a monster, whose image tears at our psyches, I don’t think peaceful resolution is really an option here. Do you have the program?” Twilight asks as she finishes soldering her attachments to the sonic rifle.
“I do.” Rarity nods. “It’s in the control room waiting to be broadcast. I’m not sure why you want me to mask it with the news, though.”
“Because, I don’t know if… it can hear the radio, so I want everything to sound normal. Besides… Well, this is probably going to sound really dumb, but…” Twilight trails off.
“But what, dear?” Rarity asks, tilting her head.
“Two things, and you’re probably going to think they’re both pretty silly.”
“Never,” Rarity says, stroking Twilight’s mane. “Twilight Sparkle, you are one of the smartest mares I know. Yes, you might subscribe to some… outmoded ideas, but your mind is as sharp as any I’ve ever seen. Now, what is it?”
A faint blush creeps onto Twilight’s cheeks. “Well, it’s just, when I’m out on the streets of Pony Vale, it makes me feel better to hear you constantly talking in the back of my head. It makes me feel less alone to have your voice with me.”
The blush spreads to Rarity’s cheeks as well, and there’s a long silence as the two draw together and kiss, their lips forming a vacuum-tight seal. Several seconds later, the kiss ends and the silence breaks. “Right…” Twilight says after giving a nervous giggle. “The second thing is… This is going to sound crazy, but I noticed important things always seem to happen when you’re broadcasting. Not always, but… there are certain shows where I have this feeling in my gut… like the eyes of the world are watching us, or… It’s crazy, I know, but I guess I feel like if you do the show tonight, something will happen. That’s probably crazy, right?”
Rarity laughs and kisses Twilight on the cheek. “No, Twilight, that’s a hypothesis. You have a theory, so… let’s test it, shall we? I’ll go take my place in the control booth.” She takes a few steps towards the door before pausing and turning around.
“Before I go though, I made a little… surprise for you.” Rarity’s horn lights up and a dresser drawer opens, revealing a white coat inside. “Now, I’m not the best when it comes to coat-making, but I managed to make you your very own labcoat.” Rarity floats it out of the dresser and unfolds it, revealing a six-sided star stitched over where the flank would be. “If my marefriend’s going to be a scientist, I’m going to be sure she looks the part… Besides, I’ve always had a softness for mares in lab coats.”
“You want me to wear it during bedtime, don’t you?” Twilight asks as she grabs the coat with her own telekinetic field, bringing it to her for inspection.
Rarity nods. “That would be delightful, but that’s completely up to you, dear.”
Twilight smiles and leans in to kiss Rarity. “Well, it’s perfect,” she says. “I promise I’ll wear it for you after I get back.” She gives Rarity another kiss on the cheek. “Now, I need to get the rest of my stuff organized, tell Spike goodbye, and try to get enough energy to teleport outside the house. I think you have to get ready too.”
Rarity nods and gives her marefriend one final kiss. “I have the news and the ever updating list of town casualties the council sent me, dear, just… try to be safe out there. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened.”
“Don’t worry,” Twilight says as she puts the remainder of her equipment in her saddlebags. “I have you to watch after me.”
Rarity sighs as she trots to the empty control room. It had been years since she’d had to do a show solo, and… Rarity frowns as she looks at her scrying pool perched over one of the soundboards. This can only end well.
She flips a few switches in her control booth. “If somepony… Anypony out there is listening, send help. Send everything you have. Welcome to Pony Vale.”
***
[Emergency distress signal beeping in the background]
Well, everypony, it’s been over a week since the horror from beyond the stars first appeared in our sleepy town. I’m proud to say that it’s been over twenty-four hours since somepony died, or – let me check the scrying pool here – Whoops! Make that zero hours. My apologies and sympathies also go out to the family and loved ones of Quick Tinker. He will be missed.
I have, in my hooves, a list of those lost during the attack and would now like to take a moment to mourn those lost: Thunder Locket was tragically slain by a friendly artillery strike. My sympathies go out to his family and loved ones. He will be missed. Ebony Game was tragically slain by a friendly artillery strike. My sympathies go out to his family and loved ones. Shuffling Saddle was tragically slain by a friendly artillery strike. My sympathies… You know the rest.
Was there anypony who wasn’t killed by a friendly artillery strike? Bronze Amethyst: artillery strike. Quick Shield: artillery strike and also apparently not as quick with his shield as his name might otherwise indicate. Cursed Pauldron, artillery strike. Bubbly Tomato: artillery strike. Crystal Glacier: artillery strike. Honey Shield: artillery strike. Tomato Nectar, Mocha Metal, Apple Ire, Amethyst Sapphire, Lightning Fluff, and Lucky Chance – Really, Lucky Chance? – were all slain by friendly artillery strikes.
It goes on like this for several pages and…
[Papers shuffle in the background]
Oh! Listeners, it seems all the inmates in the Pony Vale correctional facility were slain by a friendly artillery strike. Actually, the report here indicates that it was a barrage of friendly artillery strikes. Oh! Here’s a pony who didn’t die from an artillery strike: Titanium Assault, the pony in charge of Pony Vale’s Artillery Brigade, tragically tripped and cracked his head on one of our cannons when fighting started.
Well, listeners, I’m three pages in and so far, I’m seeing zero deaths attributable to the rampaging horror from beyond time and space, and instead, the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade has been responsible for all fatalities since the start of hostilities. If I may be allowed to editorialize, I think we might want to consider rethinking how many acceptable losses inflicted by the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade we’re willing to toler–
Pardon me, my scrying pool is showing images of the artillery program adjusting sights to target my house, so… You know, the artillery program is the greatest defense our town has, and it would be foolishly short-sighted of us to question their efficacy due to a small number of unavoidable civilian deaths. Besides, they blew up a prison, so… really, it was a public service.
Here’s a death that isn’t related to the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade. A large number of ponies living in the south side of town were killed by a horde of angry locusts. An even larger number of ponies living in the south side of were killed by retaliatory artillery strikes. Of course they were. So, the final tally is zero deaths caused by the horror beyond space and time, thirty death resulting from a plague of angry locusts, and nearly a thousand resulting from… collateral damage, most of whom were inmates at the Pony Vale correctional facility. I can sleep soundly at night knowing there are such dedicated civil servants defending our town.
On to news less likely to cause my house to explode, I realize a majority of my listeners have been trapped inside their house for the past week after strange fleshy growths enveloped our town, and those who were trapped outside probably aren’t listening to this broadcast. Some of you might be wondering what the world outside looks like, so allow me to serve as your eyes.
As some of you might have gathered, every building still standing is enveloped in the strange fleshy growth that is presumably related to the… entity that’s currently calling our sleepy town home. However, a great number of buildings have been blown to tiny pieces thanks to Pony Vale’s acceptable collateral program. Do you remember the open lot that was causing such a big stir last week? Well, now we have several dozen more to bid on. I’m sure we’ll have quite the bidding war once we’re able to leave our houses.
At the first sign of trouble, Sugarcube Corner twisted out of this reality, leaving behind only a shadow to mark its location. I’m sure once this trouble settles, our town’s… favorite bakery will be back open for business. Please remember: Do not step hoof inside Sugarcube Corner. There are ponies out there who care about you and would miss you terribly if you stepped inside. If at some point, you feel so lost that the only thing you can do is step inside Sugarcube Corner, just remember, it’s effectively suicide.
However, most traditional forms of suicide have the advantage of being substantially less painful than whatever horrors are sure to be inflicted upon you inside Sugarcube Corner. Plus, traditional forms of suicide leave a body behind for your loved ones to bury or consume as they see fit. Remember, you always have options that are infinitely better than walking into Sugarcube Corner.
Let’s see… Oh! A bubble of light has surrounded Fluttershy’s cottage out near the Everfree, making it the only currently standing structure to not be covered by the fleshy mass. Well, isn’t that good news? If you’re still outside and having trouble finding shelter, head over to Fluttershy’s cottage. I’m not sure if they’ll actually let you in, but your odds have to be better there than they are in the middle of a town besieged by both a mind-shattering horror and dedicated civil servants intent on bombing everything but said mind-shattering horror.
Also, if there are any dedicated citizens trying to save our town, you should know the artillery bank is on the hill just south of town, that the guard changes at roughly 6:00 every evening, approximately five minutes from now, and that the paste in your saddlebags can be used to permanently disable the trigger mechanism used by the artillery. Obviously, you should know this so you don’t accidentally act on that information.
One last note on the artillery operators, they are currently aiming their guns in the direction of my house, so I will stop talking about them entirely, and hope that’s enough to appease them. If not, I predict this broadcast will be going quiet in just a few minutes…
Listeners, do you remember the magician who first brought this nighmarish horror to our town? Well, she’s still here, and she is still practicing magic. Not real magic, of course, but her horn’s lighting up and the world around her is slowly reshaping itself to her whims. You know, stage magic. If you feel like watching one of her shows after thanking thePony Vale Artillery Brigade for their outstanding service, she is next to the smoking remains of town hall. Luckily, the town council is safe and sound in their emergency monster-invasion bunker complete with… spa service and a pool. I know I will sleep soundly tonight knowing they are living safely in the lap of luxury.
Oh… This is interesting, my radio receiver is… well, receiving a message. Let’s see… I’m supposed to read the message directly and without alteration or risk being fired upon by the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade as “collateral” damage. Well, when faced with an offer as lovely as that, how could I possibly refuse?
“It has been made clear over the past week that the town council is grossly unprepared to deal with potential threats to Pony Vale. A hundred ponies were bombed by a group of rogue cannoneers and the town council’s only response was to request that the rogue cannoneers bomb the local prison. Clearly, the town council is exploiting this tragedy for their own personal gain, and doing nothing to check the growing power of neither the rogue cannoneers nor the horror from beyond space and time.
“Therefore, it falls to us, the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade, to restore order in this town. Any adherents to the old order risk being bombed by the rogue cannoneers. Also, we call upon Rarity to use her scrying pool to find the location of the town council’s secret bunker. If she doesn’t comply in ten minutes, she’ll be considered an enemy of the people and we will have… no choice… but to open… fire.”
Well, listeners, it seems I’m in quite the conundrum. I certainly don’t want these rogue cannoneers, located on the big hill out of town, to open fire on me so… Of course, my marefriend Twilight Sparkle is using the scrying pool to locate the council’s secret bunker, and as soon as we know its location, we’ll send that right over to you. Twilight, I hope you know what you’re doing.
[Sounds of papers shuffling]
Oh, listeners, I have some good non-threatening news. The Church of Edax Terra says that the final prophecy has come to pass. Now, I’m not a member of Edax Terra or completely familiar with their beliefs, but I feel this is great news. This holiday season’s been consumed by talk of artillery strikes and horrors from beyond our understanding, so it’s nice to see a group of people remembering what Hearth’s Warming’s all about: The fulfillment of obscure life-changing prophecy, and of course, spending time with loved while fulfilling those prophecies.
Speaking of prophecies, it’s time for us to talk about just what’s coming up this week, assuming we are ever able to leave our homes: Thursday, the school is having its annual bake sale in… Well, they can’t have it there, that building was absolutely levelled. I guess we’d be having at… No, the town park is covered in rubble and it’s the middle of winter, so… Thursday, the school will be having its annual bake sale at a location to be decided later. Assuming we can even go outside.
Friday, the Church of Edax Terra will be celebrating the season by… burying a pony alive. Well, I’m not sure why they’d want to do that or what it would accomplish, but who am I to judge other ponies? Certainly, my Hearth’s Warming tradition of spending an evening with friends and loved ones is… peculiar to most ponies in this town, and I’m certainly not going to judge others for how they want to spend the most wonderful time of the year.
Saturday, we will be holding the annual burning of the Hearth’s Warming tree. However, the bombardment by rogue cannoneers has already turned the tree into a pile of ash. Oh well, I suppose our small town can be forgiven for moving the festivities up a few days earlier than planned. With our hectic schedules, we can never be sure of tomorrow, and while burning the tree with all of our friends and family would have been a wonderful opportunity to make memories we can treasure in our darkest days… At least the tree burned, isn’t that the important thing?
Sunday– Oh, it seems I’m receiving a message from our friends in the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade. Apparently somepony’s attacking them and… Oh, dear, listeners, the Pony Vale Artillery Brigade is under fire. They’re ordering me to use my scrying pool to reveal the identity of the attacker and help in their defeat, otherwise I will be fired upon immediately.
[Rarity laughs]
Well, I can help with one of those things. The pony who’s, to use your words, “tearing our base apart” is my marefriend, the wonderful lovely scientist, Twilight Sparkle, and if I were you, I’d pray she’s kinder than I am to ponies who bomb my home town, you monsters. I hope she leaves some of you alive just so the weather team can get their hooves on you. Did you hear that–
[A dull thud can be heard in the distance]
It appears I spoke too soon. There are several mortar rounds heading towards my house as I speak. Listeners, it has been an honor to give you the news these last few years and to preserve a slice of life in our town for future generation to listen. Twilight, I lo–
***
Three more.
Twilight yells loud enough to drown out the sound of explosions in the distance as she drives a jagged piece of metal into an artillery pony’s hoof. Only three more cannons to disable. If she had just a few more minutes– No, a few more seconds, everything would’ve been fine.
But she didn’t.
She is too slow, too weak, and now three cannons were smoking and in the back of her head there was… dead air where her marefriend’s voice should be. Dead air and pain and anger. A dam inside her head is breaking, and something black and viscous and filled with a primal wrath is surging forth.
Twilight looks at the three cannons that stand as monument to her failure and the black tide consumes her. She reaches out with her rage and grabs the cannons, lifting them into the air and mashing them together, warping and bending the steel and iron like puddy. An ancient animal in her demands she do the same thing to the ponies who killed Rarity.
But they could be made useful, another voice whispers.Don’t discard tools when you can use them. Drain them like marrow drained from a bone.
Twilight’s eye twitches as she reaches a decision. “Alright!” she yells. “Anypony who doesn’t want to be added to the pile of metal floating over your heads, drop your weapons right now and bend the knee.”
The sound of weapons clattering fills the air as the remainder of the Brigade drops their weapons. Above her head, the winged unicorns circle around, slowly descending towards the encampment.
“Alright,” Twilight yells, waving her modified sonic rifle around and flinging the ball of twisted metal to the ground for emphasis. “Anypony who doesn’t want to get a taste of my freeze ray needs to head over to that tent right there,” she bluffs before pointing to one of the few tents still left standing as a familiar hum springs to life in the back of Twilight’s head. She’s alive. Twilight struggles to contain her smile as she looks at her fresh new prisoners. “And could somepony take me to your radio transmitter?”
***
Well, listeners, I’m glad to be back here with you. Several seconds before the mortars hit, a group of winged unicorns flew between my house and the mortars and constructed a shield of white energy around my house to shield me. Unfortunately, the shield had the side effect of cutting off my ability to broadcast, so… I apologize for any unfounded worries.
Thankfully, once the remaining artillery were destroyed, my guardian angels lowered the shield, and so, here I am, back with an enthusiasm that comes only from cheating death. Twilight, I’m absolutely fine, so don’t worry. Also, thank you, seeing you threaten to turn the entire Pony Vale Artillery Brigade into a ball of flesh and steel really makes a mare feel loved. I suppose we should talk about this more at home, or at least wait until we can properly communicate.
[Cackling of a radio in the background]
I can do that right now
What, Twilight? You’re on the radio, how?
Well, I’m taking the transmitter they used to broadcast to you and just… broadcasting. For the next few minutes, Pony Vale has twice as many radio station.
Twilight, are you alright? I saw your fight with my scrying orb, but… I just want to make sure.
Rarity, I’m fine. I should be asking you the same question. You were the one who almost got blown up, after all.
[Rarity laughs slightly]
Yes, I suppose you have a point there, darling. I have to say, you did a wonderful job improvising once it became clear the PVAB was a greater threat to Pony Vale than the horror sitting in the center of our town.
Give yourself some credit, Rarity, you told me what I needed to do and kept the Artillery Brigade distracted until I could make my attack. You almost died to save this town, and you’re treating it like it’s no big deal… We really need to have a talk soon.
Agreed, Twilight. Also, I’m afraid our original target has retreated into her own pocket dimension. Apparently something in our conversation startled her.
Right, because she can hear all this.
[Twilight sighs]
So, dear, what’s the plan? I feel having you charge off into… whatever place Trixie currently calls home is something of a bad idea at the moment.
Well, right now I’m having the winged unicorns who just showed up guard my prisoners while I make some necklaces, and then I’m going to have the bomb squad cut some ponies free from their houses. I’m thinking we’ll start with the weather team and work from there.
Bomb squad?
[Twilight gives something that’s a cross between a giggle and a mad cackle]
Right, well… you know how those ponies almost killed you? Well, for payback, I’m fashioning small mortar rounds to radio activated collars. It’s… It’s going to take a while, but once I have them ready, I can turn the remains of the PVAB into something useful, or if you want, I can give you the radio frequencies the collars trigger at and let you get some revenge. Ooh! If we get one of these artilleries repaired, we can actually shell the monster instead of attacking literally everything else.
That sounds… I’m glad you’re my marefriend and not my enemy.
Me too. Anyways, I’m going to get a sample of some of this weird fleshy growth and hit it with everything in the radio spectrum to see what happens. I’ll be back tonight, but until then… I love you.
[Rarity giggles]
Did you hear that, listeners? She said–
[Rarity clears her throat]
I mean, I love you too, and I can’t wait for you to get back home. Until then, good night, Pony Vale. Good night.