I woke up in a ditch. I know, it’s a hell of a way to start this. You’ve heard it before in these kinds of stories. You’ll probably guess what I do next. But you know what? I’ll tell you what happened anyways.
I reminded myself who I was, talking out loud. “Jerry Stine. Age, 23. Montgomery, Missouri.” I stopped myself before I started rattling off my social security number. Yeah, I’ve done this before. Always helps to make sure I can focus. I know it’s stupid, but when you wake up in strange places or worry about pretty much every little thing that could possibly go wrong with you medically, you find yourself coming up with these kinds of “stupid” things to make sure you are mentally sound.
I started to look over my body. Torn black coat, Size 3XL, with six pockets total, three on both sides, but was still far from being useless. Just needed a needle and thread and I could fix it. Jeans were again, torn, but again, not that horrible. Long johns are still good. No wetting myself, so that is working for me, too. No other kinds of problems. My shoes were… gone. Completely gone.
At least my socks where still there, though.
The grass around me was brown, but still had enough give to it to call it alive. It kind of perplexed me when I stood up that it actually felt comfortable. I began looking up and down the ditch, hoping to find my shoes when I saw one of them only a few feet away. Quickly putting it on my foot, I finally began retracing my steps. (Thought I’d forget about that, didn’t ya?)
I remembered driving my car from work, then a deer running across the road. Then nothing. “Oh, crap! Am I dead?” I pinched myself, and got nothing but a nice stinging on my cheek. Okay, not dead.
I looked up into the sky and saw a hazy gray. Very heavy cloud cover just echoed what would be going through my mind. I remembered, more or less on a whim, the sky on a videogame I enjoyed playing. I couldn’t remember it off the top of my head, but it was a good one. I decided that I needed to see if I could find my car, or at least someone with a phone. (I had a bad habit of forgetting my phone at home, and it so happened to have been one of those days. Yeah, shame on me.)
I began to climb out of the ditch as I saw a road. A simple dirt covered number. Reminded me of home. That didn’t make sense, though. I wasn’t on a dirt road. I was on a concrete road, still a good ten miles from home. I could make out hoof prints. Not deer or cow hooves. I’ve seen plenty of both, but these where… well, smaller than the cows, but bigger than deer. I could only think of a horse shoe when I looked at it.
Confession time: I am a fan of a certain show. I think it’s pretty obvious what that show is, since you are reading it on THIS site. However, as a brony, I have found myself more interested in the fan made stories than the show proper.
With that said, I did not think of little, multi-colored ponies when I saw the prints. I thought that someone was taking their mini-heard of proper ponies to their farm. I didn’t know that many people in the area, most of my friends being from other cities or towns, at least till I looked at the gait, or how they walked. I don’t usually notice how things like that go on a regular basis, but using the totally scientific method of using my hands as a standard of measurement, I discovered that these ponies were walking weird. Dirt and soil was disturbed in awkward ways, like someone was shifting their weight. I even saw one that looked like they were walking sideways.( Yeah, weird, I know. I guess I crited a perception check or something…. And I will now try and keep my other nerdy exploits out of this.)
I actually stopped my horrible impression of Sherlock Holmes when something caught my eye. The lack of leafy trees in the area made the wind going through them moves the limbs in an eerie manner. Considering that it was fall, I simply chalked it up to the season, till I actually looked around. My jaw dropped as I saw the nearby village that had seen better days. Several of the homes where either burnt down or total messes. And the state of everything was eerie. The homes where modestly sized. It could easily fit a family of four.
“Why am I appraising destroyed homes?” I said out loud.
I realized at that moment that I should have kept my mouth shut as I heard a rustling in a particularly tall patch of grass. I ran back to my safe ditch as I made the outline of a muted purple creature on four legs walking back onto the road.
“What the fuck was that?” A feminine voice spoke up as I heard a familiar sound of a round being put into the chamber of a rifle.
“What the fuck was what?” The male voice was a bit higher than the females. I slowly peeked over the side of the road as I saw them. Remember when I said my jaw dropped a while ago? Still hasn’t recovered.
I was looking at two ponies. One was a green maned, blue coated stallion that just screamed annoying. His mane, thank the Lord, was shaved till only the front bangs where left to hang over his eyes. I can only take so much stupid color combos. The other was a purple coated, grey maned unicorn mare. She was a whole lot easier on the eyes. The Mare had a gun hovering near her. Revolver, if you are wondering. The Stallion carried a machete in a holster to his side.
I thanked God he was an earth pony, because I did not want to deal with flying machetes.
The mare scanned the area with her piercing red eyes. Did she see me?
“I saw something that looked like a mutant Minotaur. Black fur and brown hair, no horns, though.” The mare said as she looked towards my direction. I remained still as she was about to see me when the Stallion nudged her.
“I thought you were off the Mentants, Sunday. You know that the boss is trying to get us all clean so we can sell the product to the-“
Sunday turned to her compatriot, annoyed. “I’ve been clean for three months, Dumbass. I know what I saw, and it was right here!”
The two looked at each other with mild distain for a few seconds, only for Sunday to relent. “Fine, fine. We don’t got time to worry about those kinds of freaks right now, anyways.” The two began to walk away from me, following the path over a small hill. As they disappeared, I slowly made my way back up and began to walk towards the village.
As I walked past the other ditch, I managed to find my other shoe. By “Find”, I mean my foot slipped right into it in a one in a million shot. I’ve never thought of myself as a lucky man. I think finding myself in a world filled with ponies armed to the teeth and probably willing to kill something like me without a second thought would not be Lucky, but who knows! I certainly don’t.
“Alright… mentats… why does that sound- FALLOUT!? Really!? “Realization can hurt sometimes. It hurt me even more now when I looked at the ground around the village. Small, disk like objects made from metal littered the ground. “And here I am, without a pipboy.”
I love Fallout. I love My Little Pony. I hate being here, wherever here is. (Denial. This is not Equestria. This is not the world of peanut butter and chocolate mixing, crossovering, total bat shit craziness of Fallout Equestria. I refuse it to my dying brea-)
I heard gunshots hitting one of the mines a few yards away. I ducked and rolled away, only to hear more gunshots and the beeping of more landmines. Explosions seemed to follow my rolling self, just out of blast radius. I know this tactic. It’s a sucky one, by the way. My friends would use it on me when we played Halo. Set up a sniper, have him shoot at me, and make me run right at someone with a shot gun or rocket launcher, or a landmine.
Before I could get totally tuckered by the rolls, I found myself (again, by the hand of God! I swear to you.) behind a concrete barrier. I managed to catch my breath as I looked out the corner of my cover. I was at the entrance to the town. No mines down there. I saw a bell tower attached to a library, and a shine.
“Oh, crap.” I managed to duck back behind cover as another round whizzed past me.
Confession time 2: I have shot a rifle exactly five times in my life. If I had a weapon of any kind, a sniper rifle would not be high on my list. Except for now. I wanted something, anything to use. I looked out ahead and saw a dead body. A stallion wearing a leather jacket and a big hole between his eyes.
Oh, yeah. Just wanted you to know that even in this life or death situation, seeing a dead body (even that of a non-human) scared me enough to almost jump out of cover. I screamed out loud. I think I heard laughter somewhere. Doesn’t matter. Long stretches of seconds passed. I poked at the body, and after confirming that he was, in fact, dead, something popped out of his pocket. It wasn’t a gun or a knife, but it was something that I knew I could use. It was a stealth boy.
Now, having a stealth boy and USING said stealth boy are two separate things. I looked over the controls for the thing, and knew I only had a few seconds. I needed to plot a course carefully. I peeked over the cover once more and could see a few nice blind spots. Before I actually went along with the plan, I ducked down when I realized something.
I had no fricking idea what I was doing. I was going to die, then and there after just jumping into a world that shouldn’t exist by a sniper pony. What part of that sentence made sense?
I needed to try something else.
“HEY! BUDDY! I-I DON’T WANT ANY TROUBLE!” I shouted. “I-I HAVE SOME STUFF TO TRADE IF YOU CAN GIVE ME A FEW THINGS TO EAT AND A MAP OF THE AREA!”
A few seconds pass as I waited.
“ARE YOU SERIOUS?”
I took off my coat and shirt to take out my undershirt, and using a nearby stick, made an impromptu flag. “DOES THIS SHOW THAT I’M SERIOUS?”
A few more seconds go by. “Wait right there. Don’t you fucking move.”
“What is it with people using the f-word here? I mean, seriously?” I said under my breath as I waited. It hurt just waiting. I heard feet coming closer and closer to me, and I could feel my body tremble. Longjohn moisture status is dry, but bladder is reaching critical levels.
I have never been so happy to see a gun pointed at me in my life. Said gun was in the mouth of a mare with a white coat and a brown mane. She looked young. I mean, young in the sense of older than CMC (Cutie mark crusaders, for the unlearned. More information shall be available on the internet at your discression) but younger than the main characters of MLP (Which I always assumed to be in their early twenties to late teens. What? It’s my head cannon. I’ll aim it where I want.)
She looked at me with muffled curiosity. I stood still, smiling, but not showing teeth. “Hello.” I managed to wave at her.
She stood there, eyes wide open as she looked into my eyes. “Your... are you a human?”
How the hell is she talking like that with a gun in her mouth?
I nodded slowly as I looked at the gun. “And I have a Stealth boy. I hope those are both good things.”
She slowly lowered her weapon and, using her hoof, put her gun away. “You have no idea.” She motioned me to stand up. I slowly did so, standing over the mare. She looked up at me, then smiled. “You’re a big guy, aren’t ya?”
“Is that a fat joke or a racial slur?” I said in mock outrage as I put my shirts and coat back on.
Now before you say anything, I know what your going to say. You know why? I said it myself in my head. “HOW AM I ABLE TO MAKE THAT KIND OF STUPID JOKE RIGHT NOW!? JUST TWO SECONDS AGO, I HAD A GUN TO MY HEAD! “ I think the best way to explain it was to say that she was, so far, the kindest face I’ve seen here. Granted, she was the third. Fourth if you count the dead guy.
“Fat joke with a tinge of racial slur. Got a problem with that?” she said with a coy smile and a raised eyebrow. I like her.
I shake my head with a smile as she motions for me to walk ahead of her (after taking the Stealth Boy from me, by the way). “Alright… I’ll start things. I’m Jerry. You are?”
“Ragdoll. And you’re going to have to keep your arms up. My sister got her hoof on the trigger, waiting for you to screw up.” She said with an odd smile as she walked by my side. I did as she said, even going so far as to keep them from the back of my head so my hands would be seen at all times. I managed to keep my toothless smile on my face as we made our way.
“Uh… interesting name… mind if I see your cutie mark?”
“Cutie-mark?” Ragdoll looked up at me, confused for a moment till it dawned on her. “OH! The mark! Right… “ She quickened her pace and began to walk sideways, giving me a profile of her as I saw a rather strange icon of a bear trap shut on a broken stick. “Kind of a strange excuse to peek at a mares flank.”
I did not mean to sound as pervy as that. I blushed into a new spectrum of red, showing the surrounding areas a glowing red light show as I tried to gasp for an explanation. Nothing came to me. No, I had no plans on pulling a Captain Kirk. I had no idea where I was, but I wanted to get out of here asap. But I will be a good guest. “I-I’m just going to shut up for a while.”
Ragdoll giggled as she went back to my side. “You know, I’ve never met a human before. But if more of them are like you, I’m going to owe Bloody a few bits.”
“Bloody? Who are they?”
“My sister… my OTHER sister.” She emphasized “other” with her hoof, as though as if she was underlining the word in the air. “The sister that is out with her buddy Dumbass. Getting things ready for the Boss…” She stopped herself as she looked up at me. My eyes felt like they were as big as saucers. They probably where as big as the ponies, since she looked at me as I began sweating. “You alright, buddy? You look like you saw a ghost.”
“Your sister wouldn’t happen to be named Bloody Sunday, Would it?”
“Yeah…” She was reaching for her gun again. Shiiiii-
“NO NO! Don’t worry… I didn’t do anything… I hid from her. She thought I was a Mutant Minotaur. I think she would have shot me if I saw her, and she and… Dumbass? His name is really Dumbass?” The shock of A) almost being killed by Ragdoll and B) finding out the name of the poor stallion was actually Dumbass made me flop my arms down with confusion. Bad move. A loud shot rang through the air as I was hit in the shoulder. “OOOOOOH, CRAAAAAAP! OOOOOW!”
“DAMN IT, DAISY! STOP SHOOTING!”
I quickly took off my coat and shirt as I looked at the wound. A proper graze. Hurt like hell. Correction. It felt like Hell had imbedded a small sliver of it’s stupidity into my shoulder. So, I was bleeding, but I could tell I wasn’t going to die. Well, as long as the shooter didn’t try and shoot my head off.
“Can we just get something for my shoulder? Please?” I begged as I used my undershirt as a make shift bandage. Ragdoll hurried me into the library, where I was met with three sets of eyes, two more mares and a stallion. The two mares where twin pegasus. I could tell by the fact that their mane and coat color switched between the two. (Blue and gold, with silver highlighs in their hair, by the way.) The stallion looked at me like I had just flipped him the bird. I could tell I was not going to like him.
“Ragdoll, what the fu-“ He began only to be interrupted by the twins running over to me, pulling out knives with their mouths as they dementedly flew around me.
“No, Rip! Tear! Down!” The two pegesi landed and began to walk away, like a dog who was scolded by their master. Ragdoll stood next to me as she pushed me to a table. “ Sit down. I’ll fix you up.”
I did as Ragdoll said as the two Pegasi slowly made their way outside. I felt both safer and in more danger inside the library. Books were all about, and I found myself picking up one instinctively, and began to read it as Ragdoll quickly made her way to a box and returned with what I recognized as Stim-pacs. I was about to see how these babies worked first hand.
“Alright, I get it. This is a prank.” The Stallion was still hung up about me being here. He walked towards me, his horn glowing as he pulled out a shot gun. “Dumbass and your slutty sister is probably in a meat costume, trying to get me back from yesterday.”
Ragdoll rolled her eyes as she stomped his hoof, causing enough pain for him to drop the gun. She then kicked it away as she plunged the stim-pack into me.
“Ow!” we both said in unison.
“You’ll live, you babies…” She turned to the stallion and smirked. “He’s a real human. He’s a big one, but he managed to get around Sunday. And he wasn’t killed by the landmines. So he’s pretty lucky. I think the Boss would love to see him, don’t you?”
The Stallion gritted his teeth as he gave up interrogating me and Ragdoll, going back to his seat. I had looked down at my wound and saw the skin quickly close around the wound, leaving a long, thin scar.
“Wow…” I turned back to Ragdoll, still a bit concerned. “Alright… I got to know… if I was just some regular shlub, and not a human…”
“You’d be as dead as the stallion you took the Stealth Boy from.”
Ragdoll is not one to beat around the bush. She said it in such a natural tone, that it seemed like she was simply talking about the weather.
Alright. I got to know what I can and cannot do here. I don’t want to end up getting killed Aby accident. I am still wondering mentally why I am acting so cool. “Am I going to be sold as a slave?” I asked like an idiot.
Ragdoll shrugged as she went to get a snack. “Don’t know. Humans are considered rare. Not excessively rare, but rare.” She tossed a, what I would call a mutfruit at me as she had a bag of what I’d call Twinkies. Probably Fancy-lads or whatever this worlds equivalent is.
“Ah… so trying to run away…?”
“Bad idea.”
I nod my head as it mulls through my mind.. What a polite way to find out that I’ve been kidnapped. “So, you guys Raiders or Mercs?” I take a bite of the fruit and was met with a mix of sickening sweet and sour. Edible, but only by so much
Ragdoll hopped onto the table next to me, taking out her gun and began polishing it with a rag next to her holster. “Former Raiders, trying to be Mercs, but need the capital to get ammo and better toys. So, somewhere in between, I guess.” She looked up at me, examining me for a few seconds. “Kind of surprised a greenhorn like you knows the difference between the two.”
“Well, where I come from, this kind of… scenario… pops up a lot in stories and video games.”
Ragdoll grinned as she shook her head. “Whatever a Video Game is, sounds like a waste of time if it’s just like this hell hole.”
“When the worst thing you’ve got to worry about is if someone steps in front of you in a store, fantasy does tend to be a bit dark.” I look at the door as Rip and Tear walk in, wearing my coat and shirt. Rip (Blue mane, Gold coat) was covered by my coat as Tear had made a turban from my shirt. I realized that I was half naked and covered my chest with my arms as a stray breeze passed through. “Could I have my shirt back? I sort of need it.”
“If you can take it from them. They tend to be a bit grabby with things they find.” Ragdoll pulled the pistol up, looking down the sights as she aimed it in an unoccupied corner of the room. I slowly got up and made my way over to the twins and got on my knees, getting to eye level. I started hearing snickering from wherever the stallion was at as I looked at Rip and Tear.
“Hey, thanks for bringing in my shir-“Tear jumped onto me before I could finish and started to shove my arms down onto the ground as she looked into my eyes.
“Hat mine.” Her eyes where crimson red, and I could smell blood on her.
Rip walked over and sat near my head. She was looking down with the hood of my coat up, making her look like a grim reaper. “Blood is ours.”
I could hear a blade slowly being pulled from a sheath. I needed to think of something. “Blood yours, but body is Bosses… right?”
The two looked shocked as they started to think that through.
“Yes… Boss wants to see me. You can’t have blood unless you cut Boss’s flesh. Bad, right?”
They started looking at each other with a twinge of fear. “Cut Boss?” Rip almost teared up at the thought.
Tear and Rip looked down at me. I didn’t know if it was disappointment or being apologetic, but Tear slowly got off of me and placed my shirt on my chest, as did Rip. They stepped away from me as I looked them (both my shir/coat and the mares) over. They stood to the side as I put my shirt and coat back on. My undershirt was lost to the trash with blood stains. Rip and Tear looked rather adorable, you know, for psychopaths.
“Thank you. I won’t tell Boss about this if you don’t.” I winked at them, and the two gave me a grin. What the hell is wrong with me? I hope to God I am just in a coma, but after getting shot in the arm, I should know better.
Ragdoll walked over to me, jumped up and smacked me in the arm. “Okay, no! Bad human! “ Apparently, stim-packs also rebuild some nerve damage, because while it wasn’t that much of a smack, it hurt. A lot.
“OW!”
“I was going to say, don’t get to eye level with them. They think that your trying to hurt them, and they don’t like that.”
“Noticed.” I rubbed my arm as I looked down at Ragdoll. “Oh, and forgot to ask about the jack in the ass over there.” I leaned over to whisper. I saw the stallion’s ear twitch as I finished.
“That’s Sunburn. And he is a Jackass. Killed a Super Mutant Minotaur once and he thinks he’s the next in line for being Boss.”
“And I will, too.” His voice had a cocky tinge to it that just shouted either “I’m going to be your worst nightmare.” Or “I’ll turn out to be like Vegeta and be your biggest rival.” Either way, I hope that I don’t have to kick his ass to keep him off mine. Considering that Rip and Tear could easily pin me down, I shudder at what Sunburn could do to me.
“Whatever you say, Sunburn.” Ragdoll’s voice was dripping with sarcasm as she began to push me out of the room and up a flight of stairs. “DAISY! YOU BETTER NOT BE CLOPPING UP THERE! I’M BRINGING YOUR LAST VICTIM UP!”
The stairs where a mish mash of recycled wood and left over metal. For a moment, I thought I was going through a modern art exhibition with all the junk around. I could hear something, like groaning. For a few second, I began to feel a hard blush creeping on me.
“Mind telling me exactly what to expect? I mean, not from Deadshot Daisy. I mean, around the wasteland. What caused everything to go to… well, excuse my French, but turn to shit?”
Ragdoll looked back to me with a somber look to her face. “Not much to say, really. Humans made contact with Equestria about five hundred years ago. Their world was recovering from a self-inflicted nuclear war. A lot of wildlife was spilling out both ways, but the Royal Sisters, Princess Luna and Celestia, managed to steam the tide of a nasty group of invaders, while still letting others come in.” She began to smile warmly as she looked at me. “The Humans that settled here helped to establish a lot of neat bits of technology. Jumpstarted a whole lot of good things. My grandparents had a lot to thank them for.” She suddenly got a lot more solemn as she looked back over at me. ” About two hundred years ago, however, things changed. Other nations wanted the tech, and wanted the humans as well. They found a way to overpower the Sisters, and started hunting for the humans. One reason why there are so rare. If you’re a non-native, like I think… you’re even rarer.”
“Non-native… wow, this is defiantly not Fallout: Equestria.” I thought aloud.
“Mind telling me what fallout has to do with anything?” Ragdoll asked as we reached a door.
“Well, remember those Video Games I was telling you about? Well, Fallout is one of them. Nukes put a world in a wasteland, people survive. Wax on, wax off. We also have a show, not related to the video game, mind you, called My Little Pony. Cute thing for little girls, that got popular with adult males. People decided to mix the two together, and you got a story called Fallout: Equestria. Pretty popular one, too.”
“Why the hell would adult men watch a show for little girls?”
“Hey, it’s funny. Ever seen a pony break the neck of a bear with her own hooves?”
Ragdoll looked up at me like I had just slapped her with a fish. “Yes, and it wasn’t funny.”
“Oh… must be context, then… Sorry, I forgot that I’m in a post-apocalyptic version of a world I know from a show I watched on TV. I don’t, exactly, have extensive knowledge of what is and isn’t common… except for the f-word and bullets.” I sigh as Ragdoll looked back at the door.
“Yeah… I guess you’re going to have to get used to that, aren’t you?”
She opened the door as I saw a figure looking down the scope of a rifle, one hoof on the trigger as the other reached down between her… Oh, my God, she isn’t, is she? I’m so sorry, folks, this isn’t what I want my story to be like…
“God Damn it, Daisy! I said not to do that!”
“Can’t help it. I just loved how he squirmed when his shoulder was hit.” I would explain how she sounded, but I think the general idea of “lewd breathing” would suffice.
“Well, I didn’t like it.” I quipped as I rubbed the still sore shoulder.
Daisy looked back at me as I began to realize that she was a zebra with multi-colored stripes as her body was covered in what I guessed was a poncho. I was reminded of a mascot for a brand of chewing gum and Clint Eastwood. She looked at me with a wide grin and flushed cheeks as she finally removed her hoof. “Maybe later I could rectify that.”
I had no idea how to react to that. Was that a threat, an invitation… maybe a bit of both? I just know that I was going to have trouble sleeping tonight. Still doing my best with the whole “Not Kirk” deal. Would prefer if there were some humanoid females around, that is for sure.
“Oooo… human’s looking a bit red, Raggy… so easy to tease. I’m starting to get in that way again…”
“Get a cold shower, mare. Seriously. Coolers broken, and I don’t think that Sunburn’s got it in him to deal with you, and you know how Dumbass is.”
Daisy giggled as she bit her bottom lip, looking right at me. Oh, crap.
“And I’m a virgin, so I’m pretty much useless in bed.” There! Situation defused- why is she looking at me like she’s a Baptist at an all you can eat buffet?
“Damn it, Jerry…” Ragdoll smacked her forehead as Daisy started to lick her lips.
“Oh, foodoo…”
“YO! WE GOT SOME GOOD CRAP THIS TIME AROUND!” A familiar, annoying voice rang through the air.
“Thank you, Dumbass!” I whispered up myself as I turned around and eased my way to the door. I didn’t go far when I felt a pair of hooves dangleing over my shoulder. I looked at them and realized that she had hands. She was not a little pony… at least not all of her. She gave me a quick hug as I continued to blush. She rubbed her cheek against mine as I froze.
“We’ll finish this later, sweetie…” She walked away from me on two legs, and realized that she, for all things considered, looked far more like a human than a zebra from behind.
Remember when I said not to long ago that having a humanoid would be better for me? I think I’d like to take that back. Things are tough enough to get used to, having to worry about being molested by a zebra woman is NOT HELPING!
Ragdoll walked over to me and stood on her rear legs. I then realized that she came up to my nose. She looked me in the eyes as she put her forehooves on my shoulder. “You done goofed, son.”
“What was your first guess? Me walking up to a bombed out town littered with land mines? Me getting shot in the arm by reacting to weird names? Getting at eye level with two mares who act like a blender at a meat milk shake factory?”
“What about telling a sex crazed half zebra that you’re a virgin when you know she was probably not entirely there?”
I did not think of that. Didn’t make things better, but certainly made me put my train of thought back on the rails, so to speak.
I followed Ragdoll back down the stairs as I saw Sunburn walking up the stairs. Didn’t take a genius to realize that he was taking Daisy’s place, so I decided to simply walk on past. At least, that’s what I would have done if Sunburn didn’t “accidentily” bump into me. I started to loose my balance, and I felt the guard rail start to give.
“Opps…” his voice had a tinge of jack ass on it. Ragdoll quickly made an attempt to grab me with her teeth, but it was too late. I felt myself fall down. My body turned quickly as I saw a mish mash of trash and scrap metal looking right up at me like razor blades. In fact, there might have been razor blades.
Just as I was about to say my last words, I felt a pair of forms dart towards me, and tackled me to the wall. Yeah, it hurt. A lot. I looked down and saw Rip and Tear clamped to my chest. For the next ten seconds, I thought it was one of the cutiest things I’ve ever seen, till I saw a cut on my arm from the tackle.
“My Blood!” Rip managed to say as she began to lap it up.
That was unsettling.
“No, mine!” Tear pushed Rip off of me and went for my wound, eagerly sucking at it.
Oh, God, I’m being drank! I looked around for a while till Ragdoll pushed the two psycopaths off of me, then almost tossed me up onto my feet.
“SUNBEAM, YOU JACKASS!”
“Hey, the twins wanted to play with someone, and I knew they liked Mr. Pinky.” He chuckled a bit. Daisy, who had somehow made it down the stairs faster than me falling, looked in, and then stared daggers at Sunburn. I looked up and saw a twinge of worry on Sunburns face.
Maybe having her like me isn’t a bad thing. Or it could be his own bad mojo… note that under “useful information for future use”.
I managed to shamble back out into the library, and stumbled. I fell onto the floor as I heard a shot ring out.
“SON OF A BITCH!” I heard a feminine voice ring out.
“SON OF A BITCH!” Ragdoll said.
“WHY ME!?” I crawled under a desk as I heard hooves moving towards me.
I waited for a while as I heard Ragdoll talk with someone. I was breathing too hard to actually hear what was said, but after a few seconds, I saw Ragdoll come over to my hiding place. She knelt down, looking at me with both concern and frustration.
“You alright, Big Guy?”
I nodded, lying as I slowly crawled back out. “Not bleeding, so… right now, I’m good.” I stand up, looking around, and I see the Mare from the road, her gun still floating, but turned up. Her eyes where fixated on me, with distrust. I instinctively put my hands up. “Don’t shoot, nice lady.” The mare looked at me, anxious, but as Ragdoll looked at her, she put her gun away.
“What is it?”
“This is Jerry, Sunday. A human. You know what a human is, right?” Ragdolls voice was evidence that she was mocking her.
“Fuck you, Raggity. I know what a human is, I just never knew they could be so fat.”
You can’t see it now, but I had the look of a man who knew that that was going to be said several times in the course of my stay here. I turned to Sunday, forcing a smile on my face as I looked at her. “You’ll be happy to know that I can change the way I look. Especially if I don’t get what I normally eat.”
Sunday smirked at me as she walked towards me. “Let me guess, you eat naughty mares whole?”
Oh, crap… not another one! I blushed as I stepped back from her, feigning ignorance so she doesn’t know I was onto her innuendo. “N-no! Not what I meant. I don’t think I could actually eat a thinking creature like a pony. It would be too akin to cannibalism for my tastes.” Smooth, Jerry. Good save.
Sunday gave a chuckle as she came closer to me. “Look, Jeramy…”
“Jerry…”
“Whatever. Besides you looking like a freak, you don’t got much in the intimidation department.”
“Not the first time I heard that.”
She reared up onto her hind legs and planted a hoof on my chest, quickly pushing me back as she stared daggers into my eyes. “Done being a smartass?”
I nodded.
“Good. The Boss is coming soon. She see’s you, you be good. Don’t talk till she talks to you. Don’t make stupid jokes. And don’t stare. You got that?”
I lifted up a hand and shook it, giving her the “So-so” look of uncertainty.
“What didn’t you understand?”
“What constitutes as a stupid joke?”
“Oh, Celestia, your not going to make it past a week here.” Sunday rolled her eyes as she walked away from me, sighing heavily.
Ragdoll walked back up to me, giving me a comforting smile. “She’s just being a stick in the mud, kiddo… you’ll be alright. Probably last a few months before you get shanked by something.”
I smiled back. I kind of got the feeling that Ragdoll was simply kidding with me about the last part, especially after she nudged me. I took a deep breath as I followed her to where Sunday had went to. On the table where I had sat at was a mound of cans and a large mini-gun. I leaned in closer and came to the conclusion that while I may not know a pistol from a mini-nuke launcher in real life, that this was a piece of machinery that had seen better days.
“That is a Mark 9 mini-gun. Fires well over one hundred rounds a minuet, and can, when fully calibrated, shoot through some of the toughest armor made here and The American Wastelands. In fact, the only other kind of mini-gun that can out shoot it is the laser Gatling guns carried by the Iron Legion and the Brotherhood of Steel, but even then, this baby is far more likely to get the job done.” The almost squeaky, masculine voice could come from one person… pony. Dumbass almost magically appeared at my side as I looked at the gun, smiling like a child who had found a gold brick. I looked at him while keeping my neck straight.
“Uh… wow. How do you know all that about this… uh… gun?”
“Read it in a magazine around here. Found it right before getting back! Fucking awesome, isn’t it?”
I nodded as I craned my head above the weapon. “You wanting to restore it? Make it work better?”
“Huh… never really thought about that… maybe I shou- HOLD ON! YOU’RE A HUMAN!” He turned his attention right to me, looking me over like I was a chimp.
The guy isn’t a “Dumbass” as much as he is… absent minded. Easy to get the two confused, mind you, but he seemed a lot smarter than he looked. “Last time I checked, yeah… Uh, names Jerry…” I held out my hand and Dumbass brought his hoof up and grabbed my hand, shaking it. The guy has a grip for someone… somepony with no fingers.
Dumbass leaned in closer as he gave me a hug with one foreleg. “Jerry… HA! The first human I’ve ever met, and he’s named Jerry! Coolio! You got to tell me! Is it true that human women have huge ti-“
“WHOA! Uh… D.A., do you mind if I call you D.A.? I’m still trying to get myself situated. Let me talk with this Boss of yours before you start asking me about… that kind of stuff, alright?” DA (For the sake of my own concionsce, will be what I call “Dumbass” for now on) actually smiled on, nodding his head as I let go of his hoof.
I began looking at the cans of food and, simply out of habit, began separating them by food, type of damage to can, and so on and so forth. Didn’t take too long to get the food separated from edible to trash. For every three good cans, I found two questionable ones, and one of every ten cans was bloated with obvious botulism colonies. Considering that I had no idea how old these cans are, this was actually pretty good. Ragdoll looked over my shoulder, obviously wondering what I was doing but didn’t say anything.
I decided to turn to her with a smile and explain. “Good news is that ninty percent of the cans are good right off the bat. Bad news is that there still might be a few bad ones in the dented cans…”
“How do you know?” She looked up at me as I held up one of the bloated cans.
“I worked in a grocery store at home. Have to tell the difference between good cans and bad ones. Can’t sell crappy merchandise.” I smiled as I tossed the can out of a nearby window, only to hear a loud pop and splat. “Ooooo… that was a wet one…”
Sunday was not quite as amused as I was. “YOU IDIOT!” She screamed as she pulled her gun out of her holster with her magic. “YOU DON’T WASTE FOO-“
Another sudden thud happened, along with a crash, sending Ragdoll to run to the window to see what happened. Her eyes where wide with disbelief, her jaw slacked open.
Sunday walked to her sister’s side, the gun still on me. She looked out the window, and lowered the weapon.
Assuming it was safe, I decided to walk over to see what was so amazing. I looked out the window and saw, to my surprise, a pony equipped with some of the most advanced armor imaginable, armed to the teeth with laser guns and other energy weapons. His helmet was off, his face covered in a sickly mess of spoiled, rotten beans, and slowly swelling up. I could tell that he was gasping for air, and, most likely, was suffering from, of all things in this world, an Allergic Reaction.
Panic has a way of jumpstarting memories. I remember hearing about a surefire way to open an airway for things like this, and guessed that psycho does a good job at stimulating adrenaline. I reached out, pulled the huge guy through the window, and onto the floor.
“Psycho and a Razor!”
Ragdoll looked at me, confused. “What?”
“Get me a thing of Psycho and something sharp! I’m opening up his airway!”
“Why? He’s a part of the Iron Legion! Lets just take his crap, and bury his body!” Sunday said as Ragdoll went off. I looked up at her, angry and afraid.
“I am not going to kill someone accidentally, got it? If I was to kill someone, it’s going to have a reason to it. And he hasn’t given me reason to!” He was struggleing to get me off of him. I looked into the guys eyes, and could see the panic. “ Don’t worry, man. I’ll make sure you get out of this, okay?”
Ragdoll came over, and had with her the things I asked for, as well as a syringe. “Med-X.” She told me as she handed it to me. I nodded as I injected the needle into the legionair’s throat. I then, unceremoniously, cut into the windpipe to open a hole. I could hear the girgle of air seeping in and out as his nose and mouth swelled. I needed something to keep the hole open. I rummaged through my poket and pulled out an old pen.
“YES!” I bit off the ends of the tube and inserted it into the poor sobs throat hole, and after giving him a quick spritz of Psycho, watched as the guy’s chest rose and fell rhythmically. “I had NEVER done that before! WOOO!” I almost collapsed backwards as I began to laugh at what had happened.
The Stallion on the ground struggled to smile. I guess he felt the air going into his lungs, and that let him calm down. I took a clean-ish piece of cloth and put pressure around the wound to stop the bleeding. I looked up at Ragdoll with a huge smile on my face.
“Congrats, Jerry. You just saved an Iron Legionair. How does it feel?”
“Ever saw a dog set off fireworks?”
She said nothing, but the semi-confused smile I could tell that was a good thing. She looked down at the legionair, now a bit more somber as she obviously had no idea what to do next.
“Alright, big guy. I’m going to ask you a few yes/no questions. One hit on the floor is a yes, two is a no. You got that?” Her voice was stern. A lot more stern than she was with me.
The Stallion hit the floor once.
“Is the rest of your people around here?”
One hit. I was confused, but Sunday and D.A. where not happy.
“Are you looking for tech?”
Two hits. The two looked a lot more at ease, D.A. going back to looking at the Mini-gun as Sunday sat on the ground against the wall, looking at the Legionair.
“Will your team try and kill us if they find you here?”
He hesitated. I didn’t like that. Maybe he was actually thinking about what had happened. Maybe he was trying to lie. But then he hit the floor twice.
“Damn it… would you have killed us if you weren’t in this position?”
A single hit.
“And would you have tried to kill the human who saved your hide?”
Another hit. My blood felt like ice for a moment. I mean, I knew that I was already in bad company. I just got shot not too long ago. But it isn’t like your mind gets used to the idea that someone wants to kill you just from a single gunshot wound.
“Would you kill him now?”
Two hits, and I could see him move his lips, trying to mouth the words “thank him…” well, at least that’s what I thought he tried to say. For all I know, he could have been saying “Spank ham.”
I’ve got to admit something right now. I’m not much for the idea of “luck”. I think things happen for a reason. I’d love to think that God doesn’t just wind up the world and sits back to see what happens, that he uses people and circumstances for his work. The only reason why I knew about the whole hole in throat thing was because I watched a lot of TV, and a show I liked had a part where doctors had to do an emergency trechionomy to save a patient. That, my friends, is the extent of my medical tricks during emergencies. Who knew that being a media sponge would help me save a pony from another universe?
Not me, that’s for sure.
I stood up and began to walk to an unoccupied corner of the Library and sat down. I was already tired. Sunday had decided to walk towards me. She wasn’t looking happy, but I don’t think she was angry.
“Alright… we’re even.”
I blinked in confusion for a few seconds as I looked at the unicorn.
“Don’t look at me like that, Pinky. You still threw away food… bad food, but food none the less. But that Magic Allergic Reaction probably saved us all.”
“Magic Allergic Reaction?”
She was getting impatient with my questions as she looked over her shoulder, back at the Legionnaire. “It’s a bad side effect with certain foods that are kept in magically sealed cans. If somepony is even slightly allergic to the contents, even if it would just give them hives, it gets amped to ten. And when the food spoils… it gets worse. Instead of it being ingested, you’d just look at it funny, and you’d be bloated up like he was.”
“Huh… the more you know…” I said, a bit more than shocked. Thankfully, I wasn’t allergic to anything, I mean besides pain. “So… you think he’s telling the truth?”
Sunday nodded. “He probably realized that after cutting into his throat without killing him, that telling lies wouldn’t be in his best interest.”
I let out a small chuckle as I rested my head against the wall. “Cool.”
I could feel that Sunday wanted to say something else, but before she could, the door to the Library opened. I turned to the door and saw a tall unicorn that I recognized.
“No… bloody…. Way….”
She was tall, easily able to look at me eye to eye without getting onto her back legs. A trefoil , pink cutie mark adorned her flank on her off white (a very, very light pink, I’d guess) coat. Her long, flowing mane was a darker pink with a stripe of white going down. She had a thinner frame, and not from starvation. If anything, she was very healthy.
“Flure de Lis is your Boss?”
Note to readers: For those who do not know of whom I am speaking about, allow me to give a brief summary of who she is. She is a background character that was not given any other defining characteristics aside from the fact that she was the arm candy of a rich guy named Fancy Pants. (God help me, that was the guys name!) But bronies all around the net liked how she looked and decided to give her a personality. From spoiled rich bitch, to bad ass French sorceress ninja with a heart of gold, it was a grab bag of ideas.
And the first thing she did when she looked at me was try and choke me to death.
“Who the Hell are you!?” She roared as I felt energy wrap around my throat and toss me towards her.
My hands tried to grasp the intangible energy to get life giving air back into my lungs. I didn’t find out what happened next, as I suddenly had found myself in the dark.
Didn’t even last a day, I thought to myself as I believed I was leaving the world of the living. Air entered my lungs again, and a pounding headache later, and I woke up in a bed. Well, a matress on the floor. A nice one, though. Only one questionable stain I could see.
And speaking of questionable stains, I almost added my own to the bed when I saw my attacker looking down at me. I realized something that totally flew over my head from before. She had seen better days.
Flur’s left eye was replaced with a cybernetic replacement that glowed green as she looked at me. A long, vertical scar ran up and down her throat. And she was wearing a remarkably functional, but far from fashionable over coat. Despite that, she still looked a lot better than I would have thought she would in this situation. I mean, hundreds of years old, and only lost an eye? Props to her on that.
“I’d apologize for my reaction earlier, but I don’t think it truly calls for one.” She spoke with an oppressive neutrality as she looked down at me. “You were told not to stare, correct?”
I looked up at the ceiling, a bit more than frightened. “Sorry, Madam Flur de Lis…” I regretted using her name once it exited my mouth, but no retribution came.
“Ragdoll told me of the television series. I casted a spell on your voice box. If you lie, your body will have twenty seven thousand volts of electricity travel through your body. So, will you tell me the truth if I ask you questions?”
I let out a nervous chuckle. “No real choice in the matter, Miss Flure de Lis.”
“Call me Flure, or I’ll slap you.”
“Yes ma- “ My body tensed up for a moment as I looked at the mare. “Flure.”
She smiled as she sat at my side. “Good to know that the monkey can learn. First question. How did you get here?”
“Traffic accident.” I stated plainly.
She looked at me, plainly expecting me to be shocked by electricity. “Your serious?”
“Well, I was about to hit a deer, and then things blacked out till I woke up in a ditch without my shoes on.” I continued. “I wasn’t in some sort of lab experiment. I didn’t see any bright, magical lights. No actual near-death experience, since I was barely going twenty miles per hour. Just deer, then blackness. So, unless the radiation made deer here teleporters, I have no idea how I got here.”
Flure leaned in closer to me. I could tell she was examining me with her cybernetic eye. I already had a juiced up car battery/lie detector strapped to my voice box. I don’t know what else she could be looking for. “You’ve never been to this land, or any other Equestria before, have you?”
“Flure, I am still trying to get used to the idea that Equestria is real, so No-“I stopped myself before I continued. “Wait, OTHER Equestria’s?”
She seemed content with my answer as she sat down. “I don’t think I stuttered. You should know already that there are multiple Earths, after what Ragdoll told you, right?”
I recalled the Cliff Note’s version of her story. Earth in Nuclear war, human pilgrimages to this Earth (I swore that they would have called this world Eqqus or something like that… cool, I guess.) And then me coming in from my world. I would have thought that that would be the limit of their experience with it. Not even the tip of the iceberg.
“You heard right. Other Earths, and thus, other Equestrias exist. I think that your… well, I can’t truly call them “your” people, now can I? The Other Humans called it String Theory. A modest name, if I say so, but I digress. Apparently we are simply motes in the daylight air of this state of being.”
Oh, drama queen we have.
“Other ponies and people attempted to make a bridge or gateway to another world, but with little to no success. The natural laws make it difficult to manipulate loopholes for safe travel without side effects.”
I opened my eyes wide. “Side effects? Like what?”
“Species or gender change-“
“Alright… good… didn’t happen…”
“Brain Damage-“
“Always this loopy, so nothing wrong there.”
“And infertility, to name a few.”
I stood up and lifted the blanket up, looking down at my little man. “OH GOD! SAY IT AIN’T SO!”
A heavy sigh later and I was brought back down onto the mattress. “I did a thorough inspection of your body. You did not suffer any ill effects from the trip.”
I let out a large, grateful smile till I realized what she fully said. “Did you fondle my bum?” Color drained from my face as I began to feel rather exposed.
She looked at me with a stare of mild discomfort and getting fed up with my questions. I was not going to say anything further after this, unless needed. “I used magic. There was no bum fondling. I did take samples, however.”
Oh, I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to get her wrath. I shut my trap and looked at her like I was a child being tucked in by a stranger.
“Oh, don’t look at me like that. Skin, blood, and mucus samples. Not THOSE kinds of samples. What do you take me for? A Raider?”
I nodded my head, trying to reassure that wasn’t what I was insinuating, only to realize how it would come across, and began to shake my head quickly.
She groaned again as she leaned in closer to me. “You have a week to get acclimated. As far as I know, there is no way for you to get back, and we aren’t in the business to simply keep you fed forever. After that week, you have to make a choice. Stay here with us, or take your chances out there. If you stay here with us, you will be pulling your weight. Getting us caps one way or another, or at the very least, keeping this place from stinking like a Ghoul’s ass. Do you understand?”
I decided to open my mouth for this one. “I understand, but may I say something?”
Flure looked down at me, maybe a full foot away from my face. “Go ahead.”
“Despite your rather harsh greeting, you pretty much acted exactly how I thought you’d be like in this situation. Kind of impressive, Miss… I mean, Flure. I was wondering if… if I could ask about Fancy Pants?” I managed to give a smile. The kind that I usually keep for when I see something or someone I find fascinating. Not quite awe, but it’s close to it.
I think she got the gist. She mimicked me slightly as she looked down at me. “I’ll tell you this much now. You’ll have to earn a lot more trust before I tell you about him. I would, however, say that you giving me information about your world and life would be a very good start.” She sat back up, and she used her hoof to rub the top of my head, like I was a kid before she left me in my bed. “I told the others to let you get sleep. There is a bottle of water next to you. I hope you don’t sleep in, because we only eat twice a day. Miss one meal, and you’ll be hard pressed in the next one.”
“Yes, Flure… Good night.” I called out like a goofball. As she left, the room (I can honestly say that I did not look at her flank) I looked about the now dimly lit room. Dirty, yes, but it wasn’t half as crusty and disgusting as other places in this building. I lay back on the bed and looked up at the ceiling… or what once was the ceiling. The Second floor had, apparently, caved in, allowing me to look at the second floor’s ceiling. I decided to take my captors advice and get some sleep. This is going to be something else, I tell you what.