//------------------------------// // Chapter 8 // Story: The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs // by neutralmilk //------------------------------// The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs Chapter 8 The Part After the Tuxedo: ACT TWO - Gesundheit! (Part 4.2 in "The Wedding Trilogy") “Are y’all sure that you wanna get married” Applejack asked Twitchums, hugging him tighter. He stared blankly at the ceiling of the farmhouse and grunted. “Applejack, my love, I know that you don’t want me to marry her, but I…I…” “Shh, lover boy. It’s ok. `Ah understand.” She pressed her lips against his, sending a pleasurable tingle down Twitchums’ spine. He pressed back, feeling the warmth of her breath hit against his face. Her tongue eagerly pushed into his mouth, wrapping around his playfully. CRASH! Their intermingled bodies knocked Big Mac’s bowl of cereal to the floor, shattering it on impact. Milk splattered around the kitchen and formed a puddle by the kitchen table they made out upon. “Uh, sis?” Big Mac started. “Shut up, you foal!” She hissed back, breaking contact with Twitchums’ lips only briefly before plunging back in. They continued rolling on the table, squishing the slice of toast Big Mac had painstakingly prepared for himself. He frowned and galloped from the room, crying. Poor Big Mac! After their serious loving in the kitchen, Twitchums and Applejack walked out to the apple fields. Big Mac had already begun bucking trees, apples falling into several over-sized wooden barrels. “Big Macintosh, `ah’m sorry bout earlier.” Applejack began. “We…” She trailed off and looked to Twitchums who frowned. “Ok, `AH didn’t mean to get ya upset. Yer my brother. And ain’t nothing gonna separate us.” Big Mac raised his head, a smile on his face. Tears welled up in his eyes from the beautiful apology. “And to make it up to ya, `ah came up with an idea!” She tossed her hooves around Twitchums who watched, bored as usual. His mind drifted to images of tacos and other things worthwhile. “You should host a bachelor party for Twitchums!” The smile on Big Mac’s face dropped instantly while Twitchums stared ahead, still oblivious to the situation. Ignoring her brother’s reaction, Applejack continued: “Even better, `ah’ll let you pay fer the whole thing yerself!” Applejack hugged Twitchums happily, sending his mind back to the present situation. He blinked rapidly and looked around. “Uh, yeah. What she said.” The duo turned and walked back to the farmhouse for some mid-afternoon loving. Big Macintosh watched them leave. When they were out of ear shot he hoof-pumped and let out a victorious shout. And by that, I mean he sighed and returned to work, thinking about what the bachelor party would be like. Twitchums and Big Macintosh walked into town, two days after the entire “kitchen table” incident. Big Mac led Twitchums around, a stupid grin upon his face. “Where the hell are you taking me, demon?” Twitchums asked, clearly unamused. “I got a wedding in the morning! I got to look my best.” “You’ll see when we get there.” Big Mac replied cheerfully. He had put a lot of work in on the bachelor party and knew it would be a blast! They stopped outside of Sugarcube Corner, which (Twitchums noticed) was the only building in the vicinity that had lights on. “`Ah thought you’d like to get some food and maybe talk about tomorrow.” Big Mac chirped. His iconic hayseed dangled comically from his lip as he gave Twitchums a smile. Twitchums sighed. “Fine.” “Surprise!” Everypony in Sugarcube Corner shouted to Twitchums. His jaw dropped in surprise as his tiny red eye glanced at the surroundings. The majority of the ponies there were male; a banner hung from the ceiling reading: “HAPPY BATCHELOR PARTEE,” which caused a smirk to appear on Twitchums’ face. He turned and hugged Big Macintosh, then pushed him off into the party to mingle. Several hours had already passed, the majority of the party guests were totally plastered and their drunken bodies littered the floor. Twitchums smiled at the few that still stood and watched them dance awkwardly to the music DJ-P0N3 was still playing. Big Macintosh had attempted several times to hit on her, only to be swatted away by the musical mare. Unlike the other ponies, Twitchums was practically a tank. Forty shots later, he was still good, feeling only the lightest amount of nausea creep over him. He felt a hoof poke into his side. He turned and stared face to face with Ditzy Doo, his long lost love. “Twitchums, I…” She began, trailing off suddenly. “Hey Ditzy. How are you doing?” He replied, the drunk in him ignoring the overwhelming sadness that he felt in his heart. “I’m… I’m good.” She smiled at him sadly. “Twitchums, I heard about your bachelor party and I decided I had to come by. Oh shit, hold on a second.” Her eyes began to derp and an urge to consume more muffins overwhelmed her. In a few seconds, the feeling subsided and she returned to normalcy. “Anyway, Twitchums, I wanted to tell you this before you were married tomorrow that I… I…” [Do I gotta punch a hoe?] Slap cried drunkenly in Twitchums’ head. {STFU!} Twitchums mentally punched his conscience and turned his attention to Ditzy. “I love you Twitchums Bending McButternubs!” She said loudly, wrapping her hooves around his neck, sobbing lightly. He hugged her back and looked into her slightly distorted eyes. “Ditzy, I’ve waited to hold you in my hooves again for years. You have been the most important part of my life since Flight School, hell I went on a rampage because of you!” He chuckled softly at the memory of the blood and gore strewn around Fillydelphia. Good times! “But, my sweet, while I may have chased you for years, the time has come for us to, you know, move on.” He exchanged a look, Ditzy frowning with her tear stained eyes. “What do you mean?” “You know I’m getting married tomorrow. I love you, Ditzy Doo, but things have changed.” She pushed him away, angered. “What the hell do you mean?” [Oh man! Shit’s going down!] The author then decided to eliminate Slap and Jack from the story until further notice. Twitchums stared at her. He raised a hoof to put it on her shoulder, but found it slapped away with expert precision. “Ow! My hoof! You monster!” He cried. With that outburst, Ditzy Doo dove onto Twitchums and knocked him to the ground. She pressed her lips against his, refusing any resistance he had attempted. Shortly after, however, he gave up and kissed back. “I know you’ve got the wedding tomorrow. But I was hoping you’d at least spend the night with me…” She asked, playfully. “I… I can’t.” Ditzy stared at Twitchums, shocked. “Ditzy, please get off of me. I’m too much of a respectable badass to sleep with another mare before my wedding night. Well, somepony who’s not my fiancé’s good friend, anyway.” He pushed her off of him and turned to leave the party. Before he left, he grabbed Big Mac by his blonde mane and dragged him outside. Ditzy Doo frowned and began to cry, realizing that it was all her fault. If only she had been with him back at flight school! OH THE MISERY! In the wake of the party, a shadow lurked, watching Ditzy and Twitchums interact. It smiled menacingly in the dark at Ditzy’s crying. “Soon…”