Princess Twilight Sparkle chewed nervously on her right wing as she peered through the telescope on the balcony of her castle’s east tower. She was monitoring the late morning skies for the arrival of her mentor Princess Celestia who, like the sun, would be arriving from the east. At least, that was the most logical direction from which the princess would emerge since Saddle Arabia was east of Equestria. By Twilight’s calculations, which involved researching overseas air current trends over the past five years and the reasonable assumption that Celestia would have departed for Equestria immediately following receipt of Spike’s message, the pegasus drawn chariot carrying Her Royal Highness would be showing up within the hour – and the sooner it arrived, the better.
She caught sight of a white object piercing the vast field of blue and it was getting closer by the second. Upon further inspection, she verified that the object was indeed Princess Celestia – minus her royal chariot. Twilight smiled as she illuminated the sky with a beacon of purple light from her horn to flag Celestia down. The flagging worked; the senior alicorn landed gently on the balcony and the junior alicorn genuflected.
Now that Princess Celestia’s here, thought Twilight, everything’s going to be just fine.
“Welcome back, Your Highness,” said Twilight.
“Thank you, Princess Twilight,” said Princess Celestia, bowing before Twilight.
“I’m never going to get used to you bowing to me,” confessed Twilight, returning to her upright position.
“Now, now, we’ve had this discussion before,” teased Celestia, standing to her full height. “Either we both bow or neither of us bows – and something tells me I can keep this up longer than you can.”
Twilight smiled as she silently marveled at what an honor and a privilege it was to be Celestia’s contemporary.
“Thank you for coming so quickly,” said Twilight, “and I’m sorry I had to cut your visit so short. I was expecting to see you riding on your royal chariot.”
“I left my chariot and pegasus guards behind at the embassy in Saddle Arabia,” said Celestia. “I flew back here under my own power the moment I finished reading your message. And you needn’t feel guilty about my truncated visit.” The cup of Twilight’s heart overflowed with renewed admiration for Celestia for her use of the word truncated. “If I can’t maintain the peace in my own land, I have no business being abroad. Now then, what news have you to report?”
“The police have the perpetrator in custody,” said Twilight. “...but brace yourself. You know him. It’s Filthy Rich.”
Celestia gasped.
“Oh, my,” she said. “Are you certain it was him?”
“I wish that I wasn’t,” replied Twilight, “but the arresting officers confirmed his identity. The owner of the hotel in which Cheerilee was murdered stated that he personally saw the aftermath. He positively identified Filthy Rich as the perpetrator; the murder weapon was in his mouth, there was fresh blood running down his face, chest, and forelegs... and Cheerilee’s... headless body was still twitching.”
Princess Celestia closed her eyes and sighed.
“Have the police determined what Filthy Rich’s motive was?” she asked.
“Yes,” replied Twilight. “The primary motive appears to be revenge. Mayor Mare said that she witnessed Cheerilee attempting to smother Filthy Rich’s young daughter Diamond Tiara in the schoolhouse while class was in session.”
Celestia appeared to be more surprised by this news than she was by the arrest of Filthy Rich.
“Cheerilee?” she asked. “Attacking one of her students?”
“She attacked two students, all told. Interviews with the other foals in attendance that day confirmed that Cheerilee hit Silver Spoon across the face with the same chalkboard pointer she was using to repeatedly whip Diamond Tiara on the bottom – and she did so with enough force to draw blood. Naturally, Mayor Mare put a stop to the assault and decreed that Cheerilee was relieved of her teaching duties. She brought Cheerilee home but was later knocked unconscious, apparently by Cheerilee. By the time the mayor was admitted to the hospital, Cheerilee’s body had already been found in the hotel.”
“Aren’t Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon the two fillies who were responsible for the accident that caused the death of that other filly? Twist, was it?”
Twilight nodded.
“Yes and yes,” replied Twilight. “That accident was only a contributing factor to Cheerilee’s rampage. The witnesses at the schoolhouse said that, shortly before the attacks, Diamond Tiara had revealed a secret about Cheerilee and ruthlessly taunted her about it but none of the poor dears would say what that secret was, bless their little hearts. The crime scene investigators believe they have a theory about that secret. They found a file folder on the schoolhouse floor containing an original copy of Cheerilee’s personal medical records from Ponyville Hospital. It listed an injury she suffered as a filly that necessitated the removal of her ovaries. Cheerilee had her own patient’s copy of the record in her home so it’s believed that somepony other than her must have stolen the file from the hospital and brought it to the schoolhouse. It’s assumed that Diamond Tiara taunted Cheerilee about her sterility and it’s also assumed that Diamond Tiara was the one who took the file from the hospital in the first place. Then, once the taunting became too much, Cheerilee simply snapped.”
Celestia shook her head slowly.
“I’m afraid to ask... but was there anything else?” asked Celestia in a disillusioned tone.
Twilight swallowed.
“Yes,” she replied as she steeled herself to deliver her next words. “The autopsy revealed that Cheerilee had engaged in sexual intercourse prior to her death. There were recently used prophylactics found in the hotel room containing genetic material that was a one hundred percent match for Filthy Rich and Cheerilee. The body was...” Twilight took a moment to compose herself with a brief breathing exercise. “...The body was found chained to a radiator with a livestock shackle... and her limbs and mouth were bound with duct tape. It’s a given that she was detained in that room by Filthy Rich against her will so he’s also being charged with marenapping and... rape.”
Twilight’s eyes glossed over with tears as she hung her head. Knowing the revolting details of the crime was bad enough. Having to share them was worse. Princess Celestia lowered her head and gently comforted Twilight with a nuzzle.
“Twilight,” said Celestia. “It takes a lot of courage to take charge during a tragedy... especially one involving a friend... and I want you to know that I am very proud of you for weathering it like a true princess.”
“She was such a good pony, Princess,” whimpered Twilight as tear after tear ran down her face and fell to the floor. “So friendly. To me... To Spike... She was one of Ponyville’s finest citizens. I always meant to spend more time with her and get to know her better but I never did.” Celestia placed her right foreleg around Twilight and hugged her gently. “I saw her at Twist’s funeral, you know. Her spirit died along with that little filly. As The Princess of Friendship, I should have seen this coming and intervened. I should have requested that the school board give her some more paid leave until she fully worked out her grief and was ready to return.” She closed her eyes and leaned into Celestia’s hug. “She must have known that she’d lose her job for striking her students... and, yes, she may have even deserved to be jailed for it... but no mare deserves a fate as horrible as the one Filthy Rich chose for her.”
“Please don’t blame yourself, Twilight,” said Celestia softly. “You couldn’t have known that this was going to play out the way it did. You have my condolences for your loss... and you have my word that Filthy Rich shall pay for his crimes. So much chaos... and in such a short an amount of time. If I didn’t know better, I’d think that Discord had a claw in this.”
Twilight’s eyes opened and she gasped.
“Discord!” she yelped, stepping back and breaking the hug. “Of course!”
“I don’t actually suspect his involvement,” said Celestia. “Bloodshed isn’t his style, not even when he was on the throne.”
Twilight shook her head.
“No-no-no, I didn’t mean that I suspected him,” she said, drying her eyes. “Princess Celestia, could you please summon Discord here? Pinkie Pie has gone missing recently and without all five of my friends, I can’t summon him myself.”
“As you wish,” said Celestia. A shimmering golden aura surrounded Celestia’s horn as she cast the spell to summon Discord.
The master of chaos appeared before the alicorns. He was seated at a card table that was hovering in the air. Across the table from him was his tail which was propped up in its own chair as though it was Discord’s opponent.
“A second Guidance Counselor?” asked Discord of his tail as he looked at the table. “Of all the... that’s... just... grrr!” He threw his hand of cards on the table disgustedly. “I concede with righteous indignation, you feckless curmudgeon! How could you put Guidance Counselors in your deck in good faith? I don’t care if I do look adorable on the artwork; that card is by far the most obnoxious thing in the history of gaming! It’s the antithesis of friendship. I’ve completely lost all respect for you as a player and an appendage... and don’t you dare bring up a double Yellow Parasprite opening. Those aren’t even in the same league of insurmountability as Guidance Counselors.”
“Discord,” said Twilight, “We’ve got a problem.”
“You think you’ve got a problem?” Discord hopped off of his chair and walked toward Twilight. “I’ve got a tail with no sense of common courtesy. And to think I actually traded one of my extra RTOs for his Nightmare Moon. I should unleash some One Pace on his plot and watch him cringe as I take my twenty minute long game-winning turn to see how he likes it.”
“Discord, please! Pinkie Pie is missing and I need you to teleport her here. Could you please do so now?”
“With pleasure, Princess.” Discord gave Twilight an exaggerated bow, closed his eyes, and snapped his fingers. Pinkie Pie did not appear – nor did anypony else. Discord opened his eyes. He sat back up in his chair and looked around. “How curious. Hold on, let me try bringing somepony else here.”
Discord snapped his fingers again and Applejack appeared before them.
“What the hay am ah doin’ back here at the castle?” asked Applejack, recognizing her new surroundings. She saw Princess Celestia and bowed accordingly. “Beggin’ yer pardon, Yer Highness, but ah was sorta in the middle o’ somethin’.”
“Please forgive my imposition, Applejack,” said Discord, poised to snap his fingers once more. “I was merely testing my teleportation magic. I’ll return you to your previous location immediately.”
“Discord, wait!” cried out Twilight. “Don’t send her away just yet.” Discord put his arm down by his side. “Applejack, what’s the status of the Crusaders?”
“Apple Bloom an’ Sweetie Belle are in the clubhouse,” said Applejack, “an’ Scootaloo hasn’t shown up yet. Ah’ve got Fluttershy with me stakin’ ‘em out an’ Rainbow is circlin’ high above the clouds just in case they make a break for it. We’re just waitin’ on Scootaloo an’ you.”
“Good. I’ll meet up with you as soon as I can to take care of that ‘little problem’ we talked about. I shouldn’t be too much longer.”
“Roger that.”
Applejack tipped her hat to Twilight and nodded to Discord.
Discord snapped his fingers and Applejack vanished.
“Well, my teleportation magic seems to be in working order,” noted Discord, “so the problem must lie with Pinkie Pie. She must have ceased to exist.”
Twilight gulped. Her stomach turned as she imagined Filthy Rich claiming Pinkie Pie as a victim prior to murdering Cheerilee.
“Oh, no...” said Twilight softly. “You don’t mean that she’s...?”
“Dead?” asked Discord. “No. If she was, my magic would have brought her corpse to this room at the very least.” Twilight sighed with relief at being mistaken about Pinkie’s demise. “What I mean is that my draconequus sense can’t even get a fix on her... and that’s very strange, indeed. I could bring a pony named Reginald Q. Watermelon, Jr. here from anywhere on the globe but only if a pony named Reginald Q. Watermelon, Jr. exists somewhere on its surface, dead or alive. That’s what this is like. It’s as though as far as my magic is concerned, she’s vanished from this reality altogether. I can’t imagine what could possibly cause this to happen. In any case, I’m afraid that you’re on your own. I’d leave a trail of cupcakes out for her if I were you.”
“We appreciate your help, Discord,” said Celestia. “You may return to your card game.”
Discord looked at his tail. He closed his eyes, turned his back on it, and folded his arms across his chest with contempt. He opened one eye and looked back at the appendage.
“Oh, all right, fine, I’ll play you again,” said Discord, turning around to face his tail. “...but only if you play with a different deck. ‘Dragon Express’? Pffthahahahaha! That sounds more like a chain of Chineighse restaurants than a deck. Bring it on, pu pu platter!”
Discord, his card table, and his chairs vanished in a burst of white light.
“I’ll speak with my sister at sunset,” said Celestia. “It’s possible that she could locate Pinkie Pie in the dream world and discover her physical location that way.”
“Thank you, Your Highness,” said Twilight, “but Discord couldn’t find her, I don’t hold out much hope that Princess Luna will fare much better.” Twilight took in a deep breath and released it. “So now that you’ve been brought up to speed on everything, I take it that you’d like to rest and recover from your arduous flight? The castle has a luxurious guest bedroom that I know you’re going to love.”
“As tempting as that sounds, I can rest later. What I want most right now is to meet with Filthy Rich.” She looked out into the sky and frowned. “I want to hear what he has to say for himself.” She relaxed her features and returned her attention to her old protégé. “Would you be so kind as to accompany me to the police station on hoof? I’d like you to be present during the encounter.”
“Oh. Uh, of course, Your Highness, but first...”
“Oh, that’s right, you have some business to attend to with Applejack. How long would that take?”
“A few minutes at most. Could I just..?”
“Certainly. I’ll wait for you here.”
“Or I could just meet you at the police station.”
Celestia blushed and smiled sheepishly. She lifted her left foreleg and rubbed it against her right foreleg.
“You’ll have to forgive me but I’m afraid I haven’t a clue where it’s located,” she admitted. “And I’d be too embarrassed to ask a stranger for directions.”
Twilight grinned.
“You really do need to visit Ponyville more often, Your Highness,” she noted. “Okay, do you know where Sugarcube Corner is?”
“Yes?”
Twilight held her tongue and smirked mischievously.
“Of course you do,” she said snidely.
Celestia’s mouth hung open.
“Uh!” she spat in mock protest. “Princess Twilight Sparkle! Are you teasing your former teacher about her sweet tooth?”
“Who, me?” asked Twilight. “Nooooo. That would be a huge miscake.”
“‘Dear manurehead,’,” said Scootaloo, reading aloud from her rough draft of the note intended for Diamond Tiara. Big Mac’s whittling knife, as well as the piece of wood Apple Bloom had been carving, clattered against the clubhouse floor as Apple Bloom dropped them from laughing at her friend’s suggested greeting.
Sweetie Belle smirked as she periodically peeked outside through the clubhouse shutters with eyes that still possessed a dark green glow and gave off an indigo mist. She missed being out in the open and longed to feel the sunlight upon her face once more.
“That’s very funny, Scootaloo,” said Sweetie Belle, “but if you insult Diamond Tiara right off the bat, she might throw the note away before she finishes reading it.”
“She does have a point there,” noted Apple Bloom, returning to her whittling. She had already completed two short spiked weapons with sanded handles for oral wielding and was currently working on a third.
“Okay, I’ll change that to ‘Diamond Tiara’,” said Scootaloo, crossing out her original greeting.
“Good,” said Sweetie Belle. “Keep going.”
“‘We have proof that your father is innocent.’”
“Hmm. Change that to ‘I’ instead of ‘we’. She might feel intimidated if we tipped her off to the fact that there’s more than one pony waiting for her to show up.”
Scootaloo nodded and made the necessary adjustment on her notepad.
“‘I have proof that your father is innocent’,” she read. “‘Bring fifteen thousand bits in gems a hundred paces deep into the western edge of the Everfree Forest tonight at ten o’clock and it’s yours. Come alone and tell nopony or the deal’s off’.”
“That’s perfect,” said Sweetie Belle. She levitated a small pile of old magazines and set them down at Scootaloo’s hooves. “Now look for the letters and words in these magazines, tear them out, and then paste them to a fresh page.”
As Scootaloo began her task, Sweetie Belle walked over to Apple Bloom to watch her carve. She looked at the completed weapons on the ground.
“Wait... three?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Are you making one of those for me?”
Apple Bloom spat the knife out onto the floor.
“Well, yeah,” replied Apple Bloom.
“I don’t need one. I’ve got a ranged attack.”
“You should still have one for close combat, just in case you experience some performance issues at the last minute,” said Scootaloo.
“‘Performance issues’? Sombra Belle knows not these ‘performance issues’ of which you speak. Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa...”
“We have respect for your dark magic and all... but I think even you would have to admit that your track record iiiisn’t exactly spotless.”
“Yeah, this way, if ya botch it, you’ll have a way ta join in an’ help us make Diamond Tiara bleed the old-fashioned way,” said Apple Bloom.
Sweetie Belle frowned at her friends’ lack of faith in her dark powers.
“Mycrystalslaves!” barked Sweetie Belle quickly as she walked away in a huff. She took a seat in a corner and sulked.
“We should stash some soap, water and a basin at the meeting place beforehoof so we have a way to wash off any blood that gets on us,” suggested Scootaloo.
“Good thinkin’, Scootaloo,” said Apple Bloom.
“Why are you carving wooden weapons anyway?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Why don’t you just bring that knife with you and use that as your weapon?”
“Because mah brother has a sixth sense when it comes ta his things,” answered Apple Bloom. “Same with Granny Smith an’ her cutlery.”
“Let me guess,” said Scootaloo. “Knife throwing cutie mark attempt?”
“Yeah,” said Apple Bloom, blushing. “If ah carried this knife even an inch away from the farm, Big Mac’d know about it in a second. An’ he’d probably wanna know why ah was makin’ off with it, too. Diamond Tiara’ll bleed just as much with pointy wood stickin’ out o’ her as she will with pointy steel stickin’ out o’ her.”
“But what if it breaks?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Scootaloo, don’t you have metal screwdrivers and stuff that the three of us can use as weapons?”
“Yeah,” replied Scootaloo. “But what if the police start an investigation and they find a tiny drop of Diamond Tiara’s blood that I missed somewhere on my screwdriver? We’d be busted.”
“We won’t bring the tools back with us. We’ll just bury them somewhere in the forest.”
“There’s no way I’m gonna bury my screwdrivers. They’re part of a set.”
“You’ll be getting five thousand bits in gems! Just buy some new tools.”
“Why should I waste my gems to replace something I already have when the spikes will do just as well?”
“What happened to the ‘no matter the cost’ part of your Omelet pledge?”
“This is different. This cost is money. If you want us to use my tools so badly, why don’t you buy me a new set of tools with your share of the gems?”
“Guys, save yer aggression fer Diamond Tiara,” said Apple Bloom. “You’ll need it. The spikes’ll work just fine. We can even burn ‘em in the forest when we’re done. No evidence. Okay?”
“Okay,” replied Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. The fillies returned to their respective tasks and kept busy this way for about three minutes.
“I don’t mean to jinx the plan,” said Scootaloo, “but, for argument’s sake, let’s say that we got busted for the murder. How many years would we be put away?”
“Oh, Celestia, she’s losing her nerve, Apple Bloom,” posited Sweetie Belle.
“I’m not losing my nerve. I’m just making small talk, that’s all.”
“Why don’t you make small talk about how we’ll succeed instead of how we’ll fail?”
“All right, I will. But just answer my question first.”
“Well, since our families can’t afford an expensive lawyer like the one Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon’s parents hired,” surmised Sweetie Belle, “I think that we’d be full grown mares by the time we’d be released. But that’s just a guess.”
“Full grown mares... with a criminal record... an’ no cutie marks,” said Apple Bloom.
The three friends sat in silence for a moment, saddened by the thought of entering adulthood without a special talent to their name.
The clubhouse was bathed in a bright burst of light and a loud pop which startled and temporarily blinded the three fillies. When their eyes readjusted, they found that Princess Twilight Sparkle had teleported inside the clubhouse. The fierce scowl on the alicorn’s face indicated that she was all business. She said nothing as she quickly fired an intense blast of energy that struck Sweetie Belle’s horn. Sweetie Belle squealed and squirmed as a tumultuous stream of black energy was rent from her horn and entered Twilight’s horn. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at each other, both fillies with the same question on their faces: what do we do?
Gritting her teeth, Twilight steadied herself as the raging river of dark magic she was absorbing from Sweetie Belle seemingly became problematic to contain. While Sweetie Belle’s eyes slowly returned to their normal, non-mist spewing appearance, Twilight’s eyes began to take on those dark traits. The last of the energy was siphoned from Sweetie Belle and Twilight canceled her spell, exhausted by the effort.
Sweetie Belle fell to the floor, hid her face in her forelegs, and cried, too ashamed to look her instructor in the eye. The Order of the Omelet’s ace in the hole had been successfully neutralized.
“Cheerilee was my friend, too, girls,” said Twilight as tears ran down her face. “And I know that she would never have wanted you three to throw your lives away for her.”
Twilight’s body was rocked by a spasm that nearly caused her to lose her balance. She lowered her head, groaned, and closed her eyes. Her body began to tremble as she lifted her head and opened her mist-spewing eyes. The fillies gasped and huddled together as they immediately noticed some alarming changes in Twilight’s appearance. Her horn, which was slowly turning red, had started to curve upward. Twilight opened her mouth and groaned, exposing rows of sharp canines where there were once incisors.
“Would you please excuse me?” chirped Twilight politely in a voice that sounded like that of a mare, a stallion, and a demon all speaking in unison. “I need to expel this before it’s too late.” Twilight ran to the door, opened it, and flew away.
The fillies heard the sound of hoofsteps coming up the ramp. Applejack walked into the clubhouse with a grin that could charm the warts off a toad.
“Well, howdy, y’all,” she boomed boisterously, closing the door behind her. She looked at the wood shavings on the floor. “Whittlin’, huh? It sure is nice ta see mah little sister an’ her friends expressin’ their creativity... ‘specially so soon after a tragedy. Whatcha makin’ there, hm? Oh! Gardenin’ tools! Let’s see here.” Applejack poked the sharpened end of one of the weapons. “Whoo-ee! This trowel ya made sure is sharp!” She put it down and picked up another one. “An’ so is this spade! Ah feel mighty sorry fer any earthworms crawlin’ around inside the soil when y’all use these. Whatcha plannin’ on plantin’, anyway?”
Apple Bloom wrinkled her nose at her big sister.
“Apples,” grumbled Apple Bloom sarcastically, knowing full well that Applejack knew that the weapons weren’t gardening tools.
“Apples!” exclaimed Applejack. “Ya don’t say? Ah reckon ah should start plannin’ mah retirement pretty soon, huh? Heh-heh-heh. Ya know, life is a lot like growin’ apple trees. It ain’t so much somethin’ yer born knowin’ how ta master as much as it is somethin’ ya learn from those who came before ya; knowledge an’ wisdom passed down by somepony older’n you who’s learned valuable life lessons an’ have had their share o’ responsibilities an’ obligations. An’ lemme tell y’all, as the pony who represents the spirit o’ honesty, ah have lots o’ obligations. Fer example, ah have a moral obligation ta stop anypony who’d try ta do somethin’ as downright stupid as, say...” Applejack narrowed her eyes at Apple Bloom. “...use gardenin’ tools made out o’ wood ta cause grievous bodily harm ta somepony. Ah also have an obligation ta defend all ponies in Ponyville against all threats, magical or run-o’-the-mill, foreign or domestic – no matter what their attackers think their victims mighta gotten away with. And ah would bring anypony ta justice who saw fit ta attack anypony else no matter how young those attackers might be or who they might be related to. Catch mah drift, little sis?”
“Ah catch yer drift just fine, big sis,” said Apple Bloom. “You’d protect an evil monster an’ sic the law on yer own kin! What good is the law if it doesn’t punish the wicked? Where’s Twist’s justice? Where’s Miss Cheerilee’s justice? It’s not fair!”
“It ain’t mah place ta pass judgment on Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon any more than it is yours, sugar cube. An’ it’s mah obligation and duty as a big sister ta look out fer mah little sister. An’ even if it don’t seem like it, this is me lookin’ out fer you. Ah ain’t no tattletale or nothin’ but if ah turned a blind eye ta this plan o’ yours, ah’d be an accessory. An’ since ya ain’t givin’ me much choice in the matter, ah ain’t givin’ y’all a choice, neither. Nopony’s killin’ anypony else in mah town if ah can help it. An’ ah can – so ah am.”
“You weren’t there at the schoolhouse when Diamond Tiara said those awful things ta Miss Cheerilee, Applejack! Miss Cheerilee was the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful an’ lovin’ teacher there ever was... an’ Diamond Tiara, that goshdanged... evil... Ohhh, I wanna cuss mah danged mouth off ta describe her on account o’ she don’t deserve ta have a decent non-cuss word wasted on her!”
“Well, good on ya fer keepin’ a civil tongue in yer head, AB... cuz that means you remember that you were raised with some class an’ haven’t completely taken leave o’ yer senses. Filthy Rich did a truly terrible thing – Cheerilee was a real sweetheart – but that don’t mean that Diamond Tiara an’ Silver Spoon’s lives are yours ta take. Hatred ain’t never done a filly no good a-tall. An’ that goes double fer vengeance. Land sakes, don’t y’all know that what goes around comes around? From what ah’ve heard, Filthy Rich is lookin’ at spendin’ the rest of his days behind bars. Justice – real courtroom justice – does work if’n ya just let it take its course, sugar cube... an’ y’all’re way too smart ta do what y’all were thinkin’ o’ doin’. Besides, murderers an’ ponies who’ve committed evil acts go ta Tartarus when they pass on... an’ there ain’t nothin’ worse than eternal damnation – pardon mah Prench. C’mere, y’all.”
Applejack approached the fillies and grabbed all three of them in a big hug. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were still reeling from the shock of being outed and returned the hug awkwardly. Apple Bloom neither returned nor rejected the hug. She simply waited for it to be over. Applejack released the girls and saw her sister’s sour face.
“Aw, c’mon now, AB,” said Applejack, chucking her little sister under the chin with her left forehoof. “Don’t be like that. Ya still have yer freedom... and ya still have yer family and friends – ponies ya might never have seen again if ya’d gone through with this silly plan o’ yours.”
“Yeah,” conceded Apple Bloom. “Ah know.”
“So what now, Applejack?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Now ah’m gonna pretend like we never had this little talk o’ ours,” replied Applejack, releasing the fillies from the hug. “Yer Hearth’s Warmin’ Day presents came early this year. Consider yerselves lucky.”
Confused, the fillies looked at each other and then returned their attention to Applejack.
“O-kaaaaay...” said Scootaloo suspiciously. “Aren’t you gonna confiscate our weapons?”
“What weapons?” asked Applejack. “Ah never saw no weapons. All I saw here today were some gardenin’ tools... an’ some fillies who had some unusual ideas about how ta go about gettin’ their gardenin’ cutie marks. If’n y’all will excuse me, ah’m gonna head on back ta the house and bring y’all some Neigh-Puft marshmallows.”
“You’re giving us marshmallows?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Yup,” replied Applejack.
“Wait, there’s a whole bag o’ marshmallows in the house?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Yup,” replied Applejack.
“Why haven’t ah seen it in the cupboards before now?”
“Because ah also represent the spirit o’ The Element o’ Hidin’ Stuff, that’s why. Now, ah’m givin’ ya some marshmallows but ya ain’t gonna eat ‘em straight outta the bag. See, everypony knows that the best way ta have marshmallows is ta toast ‘em a little first. Mmmm-mmm. An’ while these here gardenin’ tools y’all’ve made ain’t half bad fer a first draft, ah think y’all can do better. So y’all are gonna turn ‘em into some kindlin’ fer a nice li’l bonfire.” Applejack narrowed her eyes and cast a burning glance at all three fillies that made them cower. “An’ y’all will burn ev’ry last one o’ these here gardenin’ tools... ‘cause if ya don’t, ah’ll take that ta mean that y’all’ve ignored mah warnin’ an’ ah’ll have no choice but ta let Princess Twilight take the lot o’ ya in fer conspiracy ta murder. Trust me when ah say that it’ll be way easier for y’all ta build this fire... than ta play with fire... ‘cause if y’all decide ya wanna play?” Applejack softened her expression to one of sincerity. “Not only will y’all not win... but everypony who ever loved ya will lose. None of us want that ta happen. An’ that, mah dear Cutie Mark Crusaders, is the honest truth. Ah’ll be back in a little while with the marshmallows so’s I can supervise yer bonfire buildin’. Y’all stay put until ah come back, ya hear?”
“Yes, Applejack,” muttered the Crusaders.
“Good,” said Applejack. She trotted to the door, stopped, and turned around. “An’ three ain’t a hard number ta count to so ah had best get all three o’ mah metal skewers back when we’re done.”
“Yes, Applejack,” muttered the Crusaders.
Applejack grinned and passed through the doorway to head for the house.
“Sis?” called out Apple Bloom.
“Hm?” said Applejack, returning to the clubhouse.
Apple Bloom hesitated.
“Ya didn’t play the ‘what would mom an’ dad think?’ card,” she said in a monotone voice.
“Oh,” said Applejack. “No. Ah didn’t. Ah reckon ah didn’t need to seein’ as how yer gettin’ ta be so big an’ all. An’ speakin’ o’ dads, Diamond Tiara’s gonna be one sad little filly when her dad gets sentenced. If I remember right, a certain little redheaded filly’s life became a lot happier after makin’ a fine pair o’ friends at her cute-ceanera. In a way, ya kinda owe Diamond Tiara a debt o’ friendship. Lemme leave ya with a quote ta think about whilst ah’m gone.” Applejack cleared her throat as she prepared to recite some words of wisdom to her little sister. “‘Do ah not destroy mah enemies when ah make them mah friends?’.” Applejack looked at Big Macintosh’s knife on the floor. “Guess ah’ll bring this whittlin’ knife back while ah’m at it since ya ain’t gonna need it no more.” She picked up the knife and held the blade between her teeth. She closed the door behind her as she left.
Once the mare’s hoofsteps had faded from earshot, the clubhouse was silent once more.
“Ah have two questions,” said Apple Bloom. “One: why the rut do we even have a door if nopony knows how ta ruttin’ knock around here? And two: how’d she find out about what we were doin’?”
Sweetie Belle shrugged.
“I feel like I just came back from the brain dentist,” she said, touching her horn gently.
“Well, so much for The Order of the Omelet,” said Scootaloo, removing the Omelet capes from the coat rack and turning each one Crusader side up before hanging them back up. “Applejack was right, you know. Tartarus is forever... and Diamond Tiara’s not worth eternal suffering. Plus I look better in red, anyway.”
Apple Bloom lay on the floor and sulked.
“Ah can’t go back ta that schoolhouse if Diamond Tiara’s still goin’ there!” she declared. “Ah just can’t! If there’s a non-violent way ta get rid o’ her, we need ta come up with it before school is back in session.”
“We could try making friends with her like Applejack said,” suggested Sweetie Belle. “Maybe she really would be more open to the idea if her dad’s gonna be in jail for life. I know I’d appreciate having more friends around if I lost my dad.”
“Diamond Tiara doesn’t want our friendship, Sweetie Belle,” said Apple Bloom. “She never has. An’ maybe bein’ without her dad’ll just make her even meaner. Didja think o' that?”
“Maybe we can swap her out with an exchange student from Prance,” suggested Scootaloo.
Exchange.
The word made the gears in Apple Bloom’s head turn. She stood up and paced back and forth as she focused on the concept.
“Yeah, a nicer one,” said Sweetie Belle. “Although finding a filly that’s nicer than Diamond Tiara wouldn’t be very hard to do.”
“A timberwolf would be nicer to have in class than Diamond Tiara,” said Scootaloo.
Sweetie Belle giggled at the thought of a timberwolf sitting in class wearing a tiara.
“A quarray eel would be nicer than Diamond Tiara!” she added.
Two key questions plagued Apple Bloom: what could motivate Diamond Tiara to go along with this switcheroo? And who would be willing to switch places with Diamond Tiara? She gave the matter some serious thought despite her friends’ laughter.
“A chimera!” said Scootaloo.
“A cockatrice!” said Sweetie Belle.
“A cragadile!”
“A dodo! No offense.” Sweetie Belle snickered.
Scootaloo frowned at Sweetie Belle for starting in with her.
“None taken, gaywad,” said Scootaloo.
“I beg your pardon?” asked Sweetie Belle calmly as she turned her nose up at Scootaloo. “I have a coltfriend... so not only is your insult in poor taste, it doesn’t apply to me, either.”
“Button’s just your beard.”
“My beard?” asked Sweetie Belle, raising an eyebrow.
“You know; a fake coltfriend or fillyfriend to hide the fact that you’re gay.”
Sweetie Belle closed her eyes.
“Okay, first of all, Button is my real coltfriend,” she stated. “Secondly, I didn’t even know that term existed until you told me what it was. Third, unlike me, you don’t have a coltfriend. And the fourth and final point I’d like to raise – and I think we can all agree on this one.” Sweetie Belle opened her eyes and scowled at Scootaloo. “You’re gay!”
“You are!” retorted Scootaloo.
“No, you are! I’ve kissed Button!”
“Yeah, and I’ve kissed Featherweight!”
“Only ‘cause he looks more like a filly than a colt!”
“Oh, yeah? Well, better to kiss a colt that looks like a filly than one who acts like a filly!”
“You leave Button alone! He’s just sensitive!”
“Crying because his mom put regular milk in his lunchbox instead of chocolate milk is not being sensitive; it’s being a wuss!” Scootaloo smirked. “Hey, maybe you’re Button’s beard!”
Outraged by Scootaloo’s slanderous and unfounded accusation, Sweetie Belle screamed as she launched herself at the pegasus, initiating a brawl that saw the fillies blend into a rolling cloud of dust which gave way to the occasional leg, tail, and head that poked out of it.
Apple Bloom stopped pacing. She had hit upon an idea. It started out as a simple one. Then, as the logistics played out in her head, it slowly evolved into what she felt was a monumentally brilliant one. She stood there with an open-mouthed smile and eyes as wide as saucers. It was ambitious in its scope and it had one tiny catch – but no perceivable flaws. It was as perfect of an idea as she or either of her friends were ever likely to have.
“Hey!” shrieked Scootaloo from the dust cloud. “You totally grabbed my teats just now!”
“You wish!” said Sweetie Belle.
A thought occurred to Apple Bloom. She looked down at the floor to see if what she was expecting to see there was actually there. Sure enough, directly beneath her hooves was The Spot For Thinking Up Great Ideas. This was the omen – the endorsement – that Apple Bloom had been looking for; the proof that her idea was Elysium sent and unquestionably the path she was meant to take. She released a loud and spirited neigh as she dropped to the floor and kissed The Spot repeatedly as thanks for its assistance.
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle ended their hostilities, took a seat on the floor, and looked on awkwardly as their friend lavished her affections upon the great idea spot.
“Um, Apple Bloom,” said Sweetie Belle. “Do you want us to give you some privacy?”
“Sweetie Belle...” said Apple Bloom as she stood on all four hooves and looked at her friends with a wide smile. “Scootaloo... Oh, mah gosh... You girls’ve just given me... THE BEST IDEA EVERRRRR!!!” She hopped gleefully to the door and swung it open. “Let’s go, Crusaders! Ah’ll explain on the way! Oh, this is gonna be so epic! If this works, and ah don’t see how it can’t, we’ll never have ta worry about Diamond Tiara bein’ mean ta us or anypony else ever again! An’ we don’t even have ta lay a hoof on her ta make it happen!” Apple Bloom held the door open for her friends but neither Scootaloo nor Sweetie Belle moved toward it. “Well, come on, gals! We need ta get a move on! We’ve gotta get ta the castle ta find Spike! The sooner we find him, the sooner we can start... Operation: Diamond Exchange!” Apple Bloom grinned proudly at her baby’s name.
“We can’t leave the clubhouse yet, Apple Bloom,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Why the hoof not?” asked Apple Bloom.
“We have to wait for Applejack to get back with the marshmallows so she can watch us burn the weapons, remember?”
“Dang it!” Apple Bloom trotted in place anxiously. “This can’t wait! It’s too brilliant! Leave the weapons where Applejack can see ‘em. She can have ‘em... but we need ta bail right now! Come on!”
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle reluctantly trotted out of the clubhouse and descended the ramp together with Apple Bloom.
The Crusaders stopped. Waiting for them at the bottom of the first ramp was Fluttershy. And she used The Stare on them.
It was the first time that they had personally been the recipient of one and it was far different from what they imagined. It was mid-day but the sunlight was inexplicably pushed away from them as though they were sinking vertically into a body of murky water. The Crusaders found themselves entangled in some form of web, that much was certain. They couldn’t move. They were too frightened to speak. Every ounce of their instinct for self preservation exploded in their brains like a fireworks display, giving them the nagging feeling that something was coming for them.
A beast arrived; an impossibly large warmth-quashing creature that was the stuff of nightmares. It didn’t possess locomotion as much as it allowed itself to pierce this plane of existence from whatever unholy dimension had spawned it. The Crusaders couldn’t make out its exact shape but what they could make out was frightening enough. Where the chasm ended and the beast began was a mystery, one that may have been a fool’s errand to attempt to solve. But the beast had to be a separate entity from the darkness. Nothing that lived could be so large. It was everywhere at once.
At its center was a rotating maw that contained an ebony whirlpool with multiple tapering rings leading back into its throat from which a sinister yellow-green light shone. The rings of gums spun slowly in the direction opposite its neighbor, making a sound similar to a cinder block being dragged across muddy earth. Countless jagged canine teeth scraped across their brethren in an obscene mastication ritual as a greasy ocher saliva spewed forth from the beast’s gums, dripping into the teeth below as gravity dictated. Its stomach, or whatever passed for it, grumbled at the prospect of satisfying its centuries-old hunger for mischievous critters or little fillies too disobedient for their own good.
The beast drummed on its guests’ temples with dozens of cold, tiny, flailing ink-black tendrils. Through these appendages, it communicated with the Crusaders on a wavelength which they never knew they had the ability to comprehend. They listened to the soundless voice and held their breath for fear of allowing the tendrils passage through their noses or mouths. The beast’s message was an introduction followed by a warning. It called itself The Custodian and it told them that it knew every fear and nightmare they’d ever had and promised to make each and every one of them come true all at once and then feed on their souls while they screamed for eternity if they
took
just
one
more
step
forward
...if that was okay with them.
Having delivered The Stare, Fluttershy’s eyes returned to normal. The light of day returned to the Cutie Mark Crusaders’s eyes and Ponyville’s fresh country air filled their lungs once again.
The trembling trio of friends looked at one another, seemingly having drawn the same conclusion: if Tartarus possessed horrors even half as horrendous as The Custodian, letting Diamond Tiara live was a much better alternative than being damned to its depths for killing her. This new perspective was an extremely sobering wakeup call. Any leftover thirst they may have had for blood had vanished along with The Custodian.
“Ah dunno about you guys,” whispered Apple Bloom, followed by a clearing of her throat, “...but suddenly... ah really wanna stay put until after Applejack gives us permission ta leave.”
“M-Me too,” squeaked Sweetie Belle.
“M-Me th-three,” peeped Scootaloo.
The Crusaders smiled nervously at Fluttershy as they slowly ascended the ramp backwards to return to the safety of their clubhouse.
“I knew you were good girls,” said Fluttershy with a cheerful grin. “And, umm, don’t worry about that little...” She cleared her throat. “...accident on the ramp, Scootaloo. I’ll clean it up for you.”
A morose Silver Spoon sat at her estate’s dining room table with the bandage-free side of her face resting on the table’s surface. Her new private tutor was giving a year long introductory speech about the curriculum he was preparing to cover in their lessons. She ignored him. She hadn’t even bothered to look at his face. Moving required more effort than she wished to expend. The only thing that made the homeschooling lessons remotely tolerable was that Diamond Tiara had agreed to join her – but that agreement was before the disastrous intervention. Now that Silver Spoon had been dropped like a hot potato, education, like life, was now drab and pointless.
The morning had passed by quickly, if not silently. Breakfast had been served earlier and was subsequently taken away uneaten. Tea time wasn’t far off and Silver Spoon would give it as little consideration as she gave breakfast. She didn’t want to eat. The vacuum that needed filling was not in her stomach and she decided to pay it no mind. Starving herself to death would not be the fastest way to get to Tartarus but it certainly took the least effort and she reasoned that at least death wanted her.
There was a pause in the tutor’s blather.
“You’re heartbroken,” he said.
Silver Spoon’s ears perked up. She heard the tutor talk earlier but never listened to him until he spoke this accurate observation. He had the most delightful Trottingham accent, one that automatically led one to believe that he was a sophisticated and learned individual. It thankfully lacked the pretentiousness present in her father’s headache-inducing nasal speech pattern. She lifted her head, sat up straight, adjusted her glasses, and looked at the stallion seated across the table from her. The tutor was a blue-eyed tan earth pony with a tousled dark brown mane which he wore short. His minimalist yet classic ensemble consisted of a white shirt collar and a green necktie. She recognized this stallion from town as well as from the dream she had where she was on trial for Twist’s murder.
“The bloodshot eyes,” he continued. “The complete lack of interest in your surroundings. I’ve seen it before. I’ve been there meself; more times than I care to count, actually. It never gets any easier, that’s for sure.”
Silver Spoon adjusted her glasses. She looked into his eyes. They were warm, gentle, and sincere. How many foolish mares could had stolen or broken this handsome gentlestallion’s heart? Whatever the number, his admission of heartbreak made him what she needed most at this moment in time: a kindred spirit.
“What did you do to get over it?” gurgled Silver Spoon. She hadn’t spoken since yesterday’s intervention speech and was unaware of how clogged with gunk her throat had become. She cleared it quickly.
“Oh, are we in a speaking mood?” asked the stallion. “Well, let’s start over then, shall we? Good afternoon, Miss Spoon. I am ‘The Doctor’. You may address me as ‘Doctor’.”
As a filly named after flatware, Silver Spoon knew better than to probe further about The Doctor’s odd name.
“How do you do, Doctor?” asked Silver Spoon politely.
“I’m doing remarkably well for somepony who’s been ignored by a beautiful young mare for nearly an hour,” said The Doctor. “A blow to my ego, that’s what that was. Why, it’s enough to make a full grown stallion weep. Matter of fact, I think I will.” Placing his forelegs on the table, The Doctor lay his head down and blubbered comically.
Silver Spoon giggled at The Doctor’s histrionics.
“You’re awfully silly for a tutor,” she said.
The Doctor lifted his head from his forelegs and looked at Silver Spoon.
“And you’re awfully serious for a student,” he riposted. “So there.”
“I’ve got a good reason to be serious,” said Silver Spoon as the grin drained from her face. “My best friend doesn’t want a thing to do with me anymore.” Her ears drooped and she slumped forward in her chair. “She told me that she never wants to speak to me again.”
“And I was so sure it was heartbreak.”
Silver Spoon grinned.
“It is heartbreak, Doctor,” she said. “I’m a filly-fooler. And my parents know about it so you don’t have to bother bringing it to their attention.”
“Ah. Well, that means my initial analysis about you being heartbroken was correct.” The Doctor smirked. “To answer your earlier question, I don’t think I ever completely got over it. You just get better at pretending that it doesn’t hurt as much as it does. They say that time heals all wounds. Well, as somepony who’s been dealt a lot of wounds and dealt with time quite a bit, I can tell you from experience that ‘they’ are a bunch of lying fatheads. So tell me: how did things get so muddled up between you and your friend?”
“Diamond Tiara and I – that’s her name, by the way – have been friends for years but nothing more. Then, last year, I told her how I really felt about her. She turned me down... but we remained friends. Last month, she wanted my help to play a prank on a classmate of ours.”
“I read about this in the paper. Twist, right?”
“You read that, too, huh? Geez, no wonder Di’s father bought the Ponyville Express. It’s, like, everypony in town reads that freaking paper. I swear that we didn’t mean to kill her, Doctor. I felt so guilty about her death. I still do.”
“May I say something that you may or may not be offended by hearing?”
“Sure, why not?”
The Doctor grinned.
“You’re a foal,” he said. “You’re growing up. You’re making mistakes along the way and learning from them. That’s part of life. The mistake that you and your friend made was really quite horrible but accidents do happen and you and your friend... are... foals. That doesn’t give you a pass. That simply keeps ponies from being overly critical of you because they were foals themselves once and were just as capable of making mistakes as you are now. That’s the theory, anyway. Being judgmental of others seems to be Equestria’s favorite pasttime, hypocrisy be damned.”
Silver Spoon grinned slightly.
“So, anyway,” continued Silver Spoon. “Diamond Tiara had been obsessed since the accident, claiming that it meant that she wielded magic and that she’s got this special destiny.”
“Magic? Isn’t she an earth pony?”
“Yeah, she is.”
“I don’t know what good earth pony magic would do her.”
“Doctor? What can earth ponies do? Magically speaking.”
“Haven’t you asked your mum or dad that question?”
“No. They’re sort of clueless. I prefer to ask questions of ponies with some intelligence.”
“Well, earth ponies – also known as equus terra – can and do wield the magic inside them, Miss Spoon. It just manifests itself in a subtler fashion than the other tribes’ magic. Now then, as you know, we earth ponies were the masters of agriculture long ago. That is because we have a special connection to the earth that allows us to manipulate and influence chemical reactions, both internally and externally, which would otherwise take much longer or be less potent if overseen by a pegasus or unicorn. By his or her very presence, a dedicated earth pony farmer who is harmonious with his fields and his loved ones can speed up the natural process of plant growth and, by extension, improve harvest quality and quantity. The Apple family of Ponyville is a shining example. The love they give to their land and their kin is chiefly responsible for what makes their produce among the finest in Equestria. Do you know how much Sweet Apple Acres charges for a sack of zap apple seeds? Go on, have a guess.”
“A hundred bits?”
“It was a trick question. Their zap apple seeds aren’t for sale; not because the Apple family wants to corner the market but because the seeds are worthless in the hooves of anypony else. The Apples are the only family in Equestria who can get the trees to yield any of its special fruit. They once gave away two sacks of zap apple seeds to an apple farmer in Manehattan who wanted to start his own zap apple orchard... and the workers who planted them didn’t get a single zap apple out of those fields. It was a complete waste of time and resources. The conditions just aren’t right to grow them anywhere else other than Sweet Apple Acres. I’ve done some extensive research on the subject and I believe I’ve discovered the reason why.” The Doctor leaned in and whispered to Silver Spoon. “Don’t share this one ‘round the fireplace... but Apple family reunions at Sweet Apple Acres are the missing ingredient.”
“Really?”
“Well, it’s just a theory... but it’s mine and I happen to be very fond of my own theories.”
“But if love for one’s family is so important for zap apple growing, how did the zap apple trees grow wild in the Everfree Forest to begin with?”
“Ahhh.” The Doctor grinned. “Now that is the question, isn’t it? I haven’t found the answer yet but I’ve been studying the forest for some time to learn the origin of the forest-grown zap apples. Here’s what I do know. I’ve had the pleasure of having tea with Zecora the zebra who lives in the Everfree Forest and she told me about a legend regarding a mysterious equine being said to inhabit those woods. They call this equine Majununi and she had the power to fly, to make rocks dance, and to cause plant life to grow spontaneously. I believe that Majununi must have been some kind of earth pony missing link... and somepony with that kind of power could easily create as many zap apples as she pleased. If she’s real and she still lives, finding her would be quite the discovery. And if she’s real but dead and has left behind some remains, blimey, that would be almost as amazing! Unfortunately, scientific expeditions require financial backing. Even curiosity seekers need groceries – which is why I took the tutoring job. Eating grass and flowers all the time can get rather monotonous.”
Bertram, the estate’s head butler, approached the table with a tea cart full of goodies. He served Silver Spoon and The Doctor a platter of whole grain toast along with some containers of zap apple jam and butter.
“Speak of the angel,” said The Doctor.
“Thank you, Bertram,” said Silver Spoon.
“You’re welcome, Silver Spoon,” said Bertram with a short bow. “And might I say that it’s delightful to see you back in high spirits again.” He placed a teacup in front of Silver Spoon, poured some tea in her cup, and then served The Doctor his tea.
The Doctor brought his snout close to his cup and sniffed its contents.
“Rooibos?” asked The Doctor. Bertram nodded once, placing a container of milk and a sugar bowl on the table. “I say, what a splendid choice, my fine fellow. Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome, sir,” said Bertram before taking the tea cart away.
The Doctor took the milk container handle between his teeth and carefully poured the milk into his cup until it was to his liking. “Whenever I visit a dining establishment that serves tea, the staff automatically assumes that I want either Earl Neigh or Trottingham Breakfast due to my accent. It’s quite maddening, really.” He set the milk down and stirred his tea.
“I’ll bet,” said Silver Spoon, pouring sugar into her tea. “Ponies make assumptions about me, like, all the time so I can totally sympathize.”
The Doctor and Silver Spoon slathered their respective slices of toast with plenty of zap apple jam and simultaneously took a bite.
“Mmm,” remarked The Doctor as he spoke with his mouth full. “Taste that? That’s the product of a conscious planet and pure love. The Apple family loves the earth and the earth feels that love and returns it with interest. I find this unique relationship that earth ponies have with the planet to be quite fascinating. Just imagine: if you and I were to step outside and take a walk on the grass, the soil that met our hooves would be waiting to react to us. Waiting to feel our love and dedication for it. Waiting to receive seeds so that it can provide us with food to keep that love alive; love of food and friendship, hearth and home. This sacred union between planet and pony is our tribe’s legacy. The earth doesn’t listen to pegasi. Nor does it listen to unicorns. It only listens... to us.”
Silver Spoon swallowed her mouthful of toast and smiled. Her opinion of her tribe as the one that neither flew nor cast spells had changed and she couldn’t have been happier about it. She looked down at the jam-covered piece of toast in her hooves. This was the earth’s bounty that a loving branch of her tribe had reaped – and she bit into it with newfound pride and respect.
“Wow,” she said as she chewed. “You have such a colorful way with words, Doctor. You mentioned internal chemical reactions?” She brought her teacup to her snout and took a sip.
“Yes, I did,” said The Doctor. “Body chemistry. Among other things, equus terra can eat larger amounts of food than other tribes and not get a tummy ache. I know that a speedier metabolism isn’t as impressive an ability as flying but it’s something. We also have considerable endurance, marginally higher physical strength, and a greater resistance to injury and disease – quite possibly because of the earth’s desire to help its favored beneficiaries remain steadfast.”
“Steadfast?”
“Rooted in one spot. Anchored. Not easily spirited away. Take Granny Smith. She’s quite hardy for a mare her age. There are seniors in Ponyville Retirement Village who are younger than she is and she’s sprightly compared to them. I believe that the earth has a love affair with her, seeing as how she was the pony to bring zap apples out of the Everfree Forest and into the mouths of her fellow Equestrians. The earth can distinguish between equus terra who have called upon its services and those whose special talents are not earth related. And now it views Granny Smith as a tree, figuratively speaking. I doubt she’ll live forever... but she has good roots... and the earth won’t let a well-rooted tree get blown down easily.” The Doctor took a sip of his tea. “Speaking of things that get blown down, we completely got off track. Terribly sorry about that.”
“No, I think that was my fault.”
“You were talking about Diamond Tiara and how she parted ways with you.”
“Right. Well, after school was back in session, Diamond Tiara... did some awful stuff that got our teacher Miss Cheerilee mad at her. So mad that she even attacked us.”
“That would explain the dressing.” The Doctor pointed at Silver Spoon’s bandaged cheek.
“Yeah. Di’s father, Mister Rich, went off the deep end after finding out that Cheerilee hurt her. I don’t know all the details but the word on the street is that Mister Rich raped and murdered Cheerilee.”
“Goodness.”
“I know, right? I never would have thought he had it in him to do that. He was always so polite and kind to me. But then Diamond Tiara was actually happy that Cheerilee was killed. She even thought it was her magic that struck her down. I was so appalled that I ran away from her and that’s when I came up with the idea of staging an intervention for her. But then these three fillies we knew – classmates of ours – were so angry about Cheerilee’s murder that they were planning on killing Diamond Tiara... and me!”
“You? Why would they want to kill you? What did you do to upset them?”
“After the accident, nothing. Before the accident... well, I used to pick on them alongside Diamond Tiara for fun. Like, a lot.”
“Really? But you seem so sophisticated and mature.”
“I’ve got a bit of a dark side. I’m working on it, though. Anyway, I told Princess Twilight about what these three fillies were planning and, thank Celestia, she told me that she’d take care of it personally. So Diamond Tiara was saved... and she never even knew she was in any danger.”
“Why didn’t you tell her about it?”
“Because I didn’t want to stress her out any more than she already was and ruin the chance that she’d be open to my intervention. I was lucky to be where I was when I found out about the conspiracy to kill her but I can’t be everywhere at once. So I decided that I would try to reason with her... to get her to see that the way she’s been going is gonna come back to bite her in the plot... but she saw it as me abandoning her and that’s when she ditched me. Looking back, I guess I should have waited until Mister Rich was free before having that talk with her but who knows how long that would have taken? I had to act quickly for her own good.” She placed her head back on the table. “I’ve never seen her so upset before.” Tears quickly welled up in her eyes as she recalled how traumatic the experience was. Silver Spoon removed her glasses and set them aside as she rubbed her forehooves across her eyes. “It was awful. She spat on me, hurled every insult she could think of at me, and ran off, swearing that she would never speak to me again. I never felt so worthless in my life.”
“But you still love her.”
Silver Spoon forced her quivering lips to form a grin. She was only partially successful.
“...but I still love her,” she said. “and I always will.” She sat up and used her napkin to blow her nose. “Doctor, what do you know about infatuation?”
“Do you mean the difference between love and infatuation?”
“Yes. Diamond Tiara said that I was infatuated with her but I know that it’s love. It’s got to be love. Is there a way to know for sure?”
“Let me see. Well, let’s say that all you’d have to do to get Diamond Tiara to return your feelings was to put your forehoof on top of her forehoof and say ‘allons-y’. Would you do it?”
“No.”
“And why not?”
“Because that would be, like, forcing her to love me. If she can’t choose for herself who she falls in love with, then that wouldn’t be love at all. She’d just be doing what I want her to do.”
“Congratulations, Miss Spoon. You’ve passed the test. You truly love her.”
“Yes!” Silver Spoon threw her forelegs in the air to celebrate. “I knew it! Now if only I could convince her that I haven’t abandoned her.” She sighed at the difficulty of that task. “Ugh... but since she doesn’t want anything to do with me, that’s gonna take a miracle.”
The Doctor held his chin in his left forehoof.
“Tell you what,” he said. “I can’t make miracles happen... but I can help you get in touch with the pony who might be able to give you the next best thing.”
The Doctor reached into his bag and passed Silver Spoon a book. Silver Spoon took the book and held it upright.
“‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Horned Flying Royal Lady Horses’,” she read aloud. “That is hooves down the stupidest book title that I’ve ever heard.”
“Well, it was written as a guide for complete idiots so keep that in mind,” said The Doctor. “There’s a summoning ritual on page thirteen. When you go to bed tonight, whisper the passage on that page over and over until you drift off to sleep. If you keep at it and concentrate, Princess Luna should come to you in your dream. She’s got something of a soft spot for troubled foals like yourself. She might be willing to help you if she’s of a mind to.”
Silver Spoon gasped.
“It’s the Unspoken Wish!” she yelped.
“The what?” asked The Doctor.
“‘After She Who Welcomes approves your wish but before you depart, you must tell me to tell you these four things’. The way things are now, I definitely feel like all hope is lost.”
“Hope isn’t the only thing that’s lost. What are you talking about?”
“Doctor, do you know if Princess Luna has ever gone by the name She Who Welcomes?”
The Doctor shook his head.
“I can’t say that I do,” he replied.
“Oh,” said Silver Spoon. “Well, I guess I can just ask her about it when I see her.”
Silver Spoon climbed on the table, ran to The Doctor, and threw her forelegs around the back of his neck for a huge hug.
“Thanks for the talk, Doctor,” she said. “It really cheered me up. And if this summoning spell works, thank you in advance for giving me my life back.”
“You can thank me by paying attention to my lessons tomorrow morning,” said The Doctor.
She released The Doctor and took a few steps back to look at him.
“You said earlier that you’ve experienced heartbreak of your own before,” said Silver Spoon.
“That’s right, yes,” said The Doctor.
“That’s a shame. You seem like a really good catch.” Silver Spoon rolled her eyes whimsically. “Y’knooow, in a different time and place... maybe I could have been the mare to help you get over your heartbreak.” She gazed into his blue eyes and then took his right forehoof in her left forehoof. She stood on her hind legs, placed her right forehoof atop his, and smiled.
“Allons-y,” she whispered, batting her eyelashes at him flirtatiously.
The Doctor blushed and grinned at Silver Spoon slyly. He reclaimed his hoof from her and folded his forelegs across his chest.
“Now, see here, Miss Spoon,” he said in a mock serious tone. “There’ll be no hetero crushes on my watch, you saucy little minx, you.”
Silver Spoon chuckled, pleased to know that learning at home was going to be fun after all.
Princess Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia walked side by side through the dingy corridors of the Ponyville police precinct. Officers and citizens alike stopped what they were doing and bowed respectfully upon finding themselves in the presence of royalty.
The alicorns reached the superintendent’s desk and found him there with his face buried in a newspaper. Twilight cleared her throat to get the stallion’s attention. The superintendent briefly looked up at his visitors before returning his gaze to his paper. When the magnitude of the importance of the visitors standing before him had finally hit him, he fumbled spastically to put the paper away as quickly as possible – which caused a magazine concealed behind the paper to fall to the floor by Twilight’s hooves. She levitated the magazine and saw that the cover featured a mare outfitted with a bridle, striking a submissive and provocative pose.
“Greetings, superintendent,” said Celestia.
“Y-Your Highnesses,” said the superintendent in a jittery voice.
“SubPlot Magazine?” asked Twilight rhetorically. “Somehow, I imagined that an officer of the law would be indulging in a less offensive form of reading material than this... at least while they’re supposedly on the job.” The superintendent extended his right foreleg to take the magazine out of Twilight’s sight but she levitated it out of his reach and placed it under her wing. “Oh, you won’t be needing this anymore, superintendent. You’ll be far too busy to read it. You see, I’m going to have ten books sent to you from the castle library; classic literature. And I want you to write a book report for each of those books... and then I want you to deliver those ten book reports to my castle no later than the end of next month. And I will be grading those book reports personally so I had better be pleased with your work... because if I’m not, I’m going to present this de-equinizing garbage of yours to the mayor and let her decide on the best way to punish you. Do I make myself clear, superintendent?”
“Y-Yes, Your Highness,” said the superintendent.
“And I want them on college ruled paper, mister.”
“C-Certainly, Your Highness.”
“And you’d better believe that spelling counts.”
“O-Of course, Your Highness. Thank you, Your Highness.”
“Excellent. Now then, we would like to visit Filthy Rich. Please take us to his cell... and please refrain from digging for truffles along the way.”
“Y-Yes, Your Highness. Right away. Follow me, please.”
The princesses followed the superintendent. Celestia levitated the magazine out from under Twilight’s wing and looked at the cover.
“‘The All-Princess issue’,” she read as she opened the magazine and began to leaf through its pages. “Well, would you look at that? The models in this issue are made up to look like we alicorn princesses! Oh, my, this model does bear a striking resemblance to my sister... although those low quality fake wings ruin the illusion.”
“What?” asked Twilight. “Let me see that.” The magazine, which was surrounded by the golden aura of Celestia’s levitation spell, was now also surrounded by Twilight’s purple aura as she attempted to take possession of it.
“Just a moment,” said Celestia, pulling the magazine back and continuing to flip through the pages. “I want to see if the Princess Celestia model is any good.”
“Princess, please, let me see that.” Twilight increased the strength of her levitation spell and pulled the magazine toward her. “If I’m being denigrated, I want to take legal action against the publishers of this trash.”
“Oh, come now, Twilight, it's harmless parody; untouchable by the law.”
Twilight struggled to sustain her levitation spell to wrest the magazine away while Celestia wasn’t even breaking a sweat.
“Come on, Your Highness,” grunted Twilight who was holding her own against Celestia but not gaining any ground. “Please... give me... the... magazine.”
“There’s nothing in here that you haven’t seen before with the aid of a mirror, my impatient little pony,” said Celestia calmly as she continued to peruse the pages of the magazine. “Now please wait your turn.”
Twilight relinquished her hold on the magazine and stopped walking, agape at the very unladylike words that had left her venerable mentor’s mouth.
The superintendent led the princesses down several halls which required unlocking and re-locking several barred doors.
“I’ll have two of my officers present in the cell with you,” said the superintendent.
“I’d rather we be alone with him, if that’s all right,” said Princess Celestia.
“But it’s for your protection, Your Highness.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow.
“Superintendent," she said. "Let’s pretend for a moment that the mare who fought Tirek to a standstill was not going to be by my side during my visit with Filthy Rich." Twilight grinned. "I raise the sun. And I have been doing so since before your great grandfather’s great grandfather was a twinkle in his father’s eye. Do you truly believe that, in all that time, I haven’t taken measures to learn how to defend myself against one stallion?”
“O-Of course not, Your Highness," said the superintendent. "Please forgive my...uh... my...”
“Chauvinism?” suggested Twilight.
They reached Filthy Rich's cell. The stallion was dressed in an orange jumpsuit and was lying in bed. The superintendent struck the bars of the cell with his nightstick three times.
“Up and at ‘em, Mister Rich," said the superintendent. "You’ve got some high profile visitors dropping in on you.” He unlocked the cell door and allowed the alicorns admittance. He looked at Celestia. "Knock three times against the bars when you're ready to leave." Celestia nodded in acknowledgement.
“Hello, Mr. Rich,” said Princess Celestia. The cell door slammed shut and the superintendent walked away.
“Your Highnesses,” he said, bowing to the princesses. “It’s been too long since I’ve had the pleasure of your company. I regret that our reunion is under such dismal circumstances. Any word on Diamond Tiara’s condition?”
“I’m told that your daughter’s injuries were superficial,” said Twilight in a clinical tone. “She may need some counseling to recover from the trauma of her abuse but, last I heard, she was safe and sound at home.”
“You’ve been charged with some very serious crimes, Mr. Rich,” said Celestia. “As you do not appear to be enraged or mentally incompetent at the moment, I would very much like to hear your account of what happened on the day of the murder.”
“Yes, Your Highness,” said Filthy Rich. “I was visiting my Ponyville store. Cheerilee came to me. She intimated to me that she wished to have sexual relations with me. I’m a single stallion and she was a single and attractive mare so I obliged her by taking her to an out-of-the-way hotel. After our tryst, she explained how she had abused and even tried to kill my little girl earlier in the day. There was something in the way she spoke as she recounted the events that led me to believe that she was telling the truth. I ran out of the hotel to find Diamond Tiara and, sure enough, she was in the hospital receiving treatment for the injuries that Cheerilee had described. Her little bottom was mangled to pieces. I love my daughter more than anything, Your Highness. I was blinded by the rage that any father would have toward anypony who harmed his child. I ran back to the hotel room to find Cheerilee. I was so angry that I broke the door down. She was still there, lying on the ground. I looked to my left and saw the croquet mallet. I picked it up and I proceeded to hit her in the head with it... until she didn’t have a head anymore.”
Filthy Rich sighed.
“I admit to a crime of passion, Your Highnesses,” he continued. “My love for my daughter is my shortcoming – but I swear to you that I neither marenapped nor raped Cheerilee. She came with me to the hotel willingly and we had sex consentually. I didn’t know she had hurt my daughter until she admitted to it in the hotel room. I would have had no reason to marenap her before then. And I know it sounds sexist but, as a billionaire, I’m somewhat accustomed to mares throwing themselves at me. I’m not so hard up for female companionship that I need to force myself on a mare.”
“The hotel clerk said that he saw you with Cheerilee draped over your back and unconscious when you signed the registry,” said Twilight. “Explain that.”
“She was pretending to be asleep,” said Filthy Rich. “And yes, I know how silly that sounds but it’s the truth. Before she and I arrived at the hotel, she told me that when she was a little filly, she got a kick out of fooling ponies into thinking that she was asleep. She told me that she wanted to do it again. It seemed harmless enough to me so I humored her and carried her into the hotel room. I didn’t question her little quirk for fear of causing her to change her mind about the hotel. At the time, I didn’t see the harm in obliging her but, my goodness, do I certainly see it now.”
“There was a receipt found in your cart for the mallet, the duct tape, and the shackle,” said Celestia. “The cashier on duty identified you as the pony who brought those items to the register and paid for them. Those seem like some very unusual items to purchase prior to engaging in consentual sex, wouldn’t you agree, Mr. Rich?”
“I did purchase them but they weren’t for me,” said Filthy Rich. “Cheerilee asked if I could spot her for those items before we left my store and that’s what I did. She never said what they were for and I never asked. We were going to part ways eventually so she asked if I could bring the items in with us rather than leave them out in my wagon where a thief could steal them.”
“Can anypony else corroborate that she was the one to ask for those items?”
Filthy Rich shook his head.
“It happened during a peak hour of business,” he muttered. “I doubt that any of my employees were eavesdropping on us. So, no, nopony can corroborate that; nopony that I know or would be able to contact, at any rate.”
“Cheerilee’s...”
Twilight paused.
“My friend’s body was found shackled to the hotel room radiator and her legs were bound with duct tape,” she quavered. “Her neck and ankles had bruises consistent with a pony attempting to break their bonds. Duct tape was discovered over what was left of her mouth. Why the Tartaros was she found this way, Mister Rich?”
“Twilight,” cautioned Celestia.
“I was so enraged by the time I came back to the hotel that I didn’t even notice that she was shackled and bound until after I struck her down," said Filthy Rich. "I have a theory as to why she was found like that. I believe that she did it to herself. She seduced me and then confessed her crime to me so as to provoke me into killing her. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“Apart from the obvious,” grumbled Twilight.
“It was intended to appear as though the obvious took place, Princess. That was the whole point. I’ve been set up. She pretended to be asleep so that she could paint herself as an abductee. She asked for the sex in the hotel and then chained herself to the radiator so that I’d be painted as a rapist. And she asked for the mallet to be left in our room so that, after I verified that she had actually abused my daughter, I would be angry enough to put her out of her misery with it. When I left the hotel to find my daughter, Cheerilee was lounging around on the bed. She was as free as a bird and could have left at any time but she didn’t because she wanted to be found so that I could bludgeon her to death upon my return. I am the victim of an elaborate hoax that was designed to get the father of the filly she hated into legal hot water... and her plan worked perfectly.” Filthy Rich closed his eyes and sighed. “I thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules to listen to my tale, Your Highnesses, but I feel that I should remain silent until my lawyer visits me later today.”
“As you wish," said Celestia. "Come, Twilight. Our business here has concluded.” She raised her hoof to strike the bars and summon the superintendent.
“Princess Celestia, wait,” said Filthy Rich.
“Yes, Mister Rich?”
"I beg of you – if not for me, then in honor of the Riches before me who helped found Ponyville and made it the prosperous town that it is today – please see to it that the judge sets bail. I don’t care how high it is. Whatever the amount, I’ll gladly pay it. I swear on my family’s name that I won’t try to leave town. I just want to spend some time with my daughter before I’m... well... before the judge decides my fate.”
“There won’t be a judge presiding over your trial, Mr. Rich,” said Celestia. “Murder trials are overseen by royalty. There hasn’t been a murder trial in Equestria since the first two hundred years of its existence. I presided over the last one. It didn’t end well for the defendant.”
Twilight grinned coldly as she watched the stallion’s eyes for a sign of the dread that would come from the realization that Princess Celestia could not be bought and paid for the way that Judge Harshly had.
“However,” added Celestia, “As your crime was committed in Ponyville, I believe that this case falls more appropriately under Princess Twilight Sparkle’s jurisdiction. Therefore, I hereby decree that she shall be the princess to preside over your trial.”
It took every fiber of Twilight’s being to suppress her gut reaction to Celestia’s proclamation. To second guess Celestia’s royal decree would have made her mentor look foolish. Celestia turned to look at her protege and grinned. Twilight returned the grin despite being drafted into service.
“Princess Twilight,” said Filthy Rich. “I’m of no danger to anypony else. You can put me under house arrest. I won’t leave my home except to go to the courthouse. My daughter needs me. Please consider my request. I’m begging you.”
“I’ll... consider your request, Mr. Rich,” said Twilight, trying her best to sound regal. “A bail hearing will be scheduled for tomorrow morning at nine.”
"Uh, that won't work, Your Highness; that's when my arraignment is scheduled."
"Oh. In that case, the morning... after tomorrow morning. At nine."
“Thank you, Princess. Thank you.”
Twilight knocked on the bars and the superintendent quickly came out to release his guests from the cell.
“Your Highnesses?” called out Filthy Rich as the princesses walked away. “With all due respect, I’d like to ask what you would have done if you had been in my horseshoes. What if somepony hurt your baby?”
“I would have let the law take its course," said Twilight. "Which is exactly what you should have done.”
Princess Celestia hesitated to answer.
“Twilight’s sentiments reflect my own,” she said at last. Celestia and Twilight made their way to the main exit.
“Princess, I don’t know if I can do this,” said Twilight as she walked toward the castle alongside Celestia, passersby bowing.
“You must, Twilight," said Celestia. "...if only because I know that I cannot.”
“What do you mean?”
“I lied to Filthy Rich. The truth is that my compassion is not without limit. Vast would my love be for my own foal and terrible would my wrath be for one who abused the fruit of my womb. Had I been in Filthy Rich’s horseshoes and discovered that somepony had harmed my daughter, I believe I would have crushed every bone in that pony’s body, saving the head for last.”
Celestia’s chilling revelation took Twilight by surprise.
“But Filthy Rich is not the ruler of Equestria so he must answer for his crimes, even if I can sympathize with one of them... and I ask that you please disregard my comment when the time comes for you to make your decision.”
“Couldn’t Princess Luna oversee the trial instead? Or Princess Cadance?”
“I fear that Luna’s fondness for foals would make impartiality just as much of an impossibility with her as it is with me. She hides it well but I can tell that she is still healing from the hardship of her banishment to the moon... and I would see her spared any additional stress... just as I’m certain that you would spare Cadance the stress of presiding over this trial. She and Shining Armor have been planning on starting their own family. You’d be doing her a favor by handling this yourself. Your sister-in-law aside, you are the least biased princess and I can count on you to put your feelings aside and do a job that needs doing.”
Twilight groaned. She definitely didn’t want to put this weight on her sister-in-law’s back if a pregnancy was forthcoming, especially since her parents were wild about the idea of becoming grandparents and her adventures in Ponyville had placed finding a husband of her own relatively low on her list of priorities.
“I realize that this will be difficult,” continued Celestia, “but I wouldn’t have selected you for the job if I didn’t believe in my heart that it would be in your best interests. Your victory over Tirek aside, I believe that the exposure you’ll receive in this high profile case will legitimize your reign in a way that a show of raw power simply cannot achieve. This trial will showcase a different set of your skills, once which will inspire your subjects to respect and comply with the law. Ruling with wisdom and kindness is wonderful in theory but when laws are disregarded, the guilty must be punished if you are to be taken seriously. And if there’s one thing I know about my faithful student Twilight Sparkle, it’s that she wishes to be taken seriously.”
Twilight furrowed her brow. She was upset with herself for being so lily-livered that Princess Celestia needed to convince her of the importance of this task. This was a test and, like every test ever set before her, Twilight intended to pass it.
“You’re right,” said Twilight. “I’ll do it. I’m sorry I hesitated. So – what do you make of his alibi?”
“His confession to the murder was sincere. But that same sincerity was present in his voice when he denied the rape and marenapping charges.”
“I noticed that, too. Do you know of any spells that could determine whether or not he’s telling the truth?”
“None that would be admissible in court. Evidence obtained by magical means is disallowed in courtrooms out of respect to pegasi and earth ponies. The guilt of the accused must be proven through conventional means. But with no witnesses or proof, I fail to see how his assisted suicide theory could stand up in court for very long.”
“Will the district attorney seek the death penalty?”
“It's possible. But the death penalty is only one of several possible punishments. Filthy Rich also has a rape charge to answer for... and the penalty for that is castration.”
“Oh, my gosh. What if Cheerilee really did set him up? I’ll have wrongfully mutilated an innocent stallion.”
“You must find him innocent for him to be innocent. You cannot strive to be right, Twilight. You can only strive to be just. Should you find him guilty on any of his charges, I strongly recommend that you do not suspend his sentences. To do so would give the citizens of Ponyville the justification they need to seek retribution against Filthy Rich – angry mob style. I’ll mobilize a platoon or two of my royal guard and have them assigned to Ponyville as soon as possible to help maintain the peace around here. And during their stay, they can even aid you and your friends in your search for Pinkie Pie.”
“Thank you, Your Highness. That would be most helpful.”
“I know you have a good heart but now is the time for you to put it aside and use your good head. Make no mistake; this is the most unpleasant part of wearing a crown. If you perform your duty as well as I believe you shall, it might just be the last time you’ll need to do it. Also...”
“Yes?”
Celestia placed a wing across Twilight’s back.
“Not to sound ghoulish... but, as we both know, Filthy Rich is a very wealthy pony. The small percentage of his bail money that the town keeps could go a long way toward funding many projects in Ponyville. Don’t be afraid to set his bail too high. His net worth is in the tens of billions – the high tens... or so I’m told. Now, if there’s nothing further, I do believe I’d like to pass out on my bed until sunset. My flight back to Equestria was tiresome.”
“There is one more thing.”
“Yes?”
“I’m doing some research on behalf of a friend of mine and I was wondering if you had heard of any of the three things on her list. Since I came up blank, I promised her that I’d ask you about them when I saw you next.”
“Of course.”
“Thank you. First, a filly or mare named She Who Welcomes.”
“I’ve never known anypony who went by that name.”
“Next, a concept – possibly a spell – called The Unspoken Wish.”
“I’ve never heard of that, either.”
“And the last item: ambrosia blossoms.”
Celestia flinched. Twilight saw her mentor’s horn glow and the next thing she knew was that she and Celestia were standing on a cloud far above Ponyville.
“Who is this pony that was asking you about ambrosia blossoms?” asked Celestia in a very serious tone.
“I... was entrusted to keep her identity confidential.”
“Twilight, listen to me. This may be a matter of national security. I must insist that you divulge the identity of this filly who asked you about ambrosia blossoms.”
“I understand. It was Silver Spoon.”
“The earth pony filly? But how can this be? What does she know about them?”
“Nothing apart from their name which she heard in a dream.”
“A dream?" Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Luna. I’ll have to talk with my sister and see if she's let it slip. Are you certain Silver Spoon knows nothing else about them?”
“Yes, absolutely.”
“Very well. I shall tell you what I know of ambrosia blossoms - but at a later date... and back at Canterlot Castle." Twilight nodded. "Oh, and Twilight?”
“Yes?”
“There isn’t a Princess Twilight Sparkle section in this magazine,” said Celestia, holding the superintendent's confiscated magazine up.
“There isn’t?” asked Twilight, unsure of whether she should be relieved or insulted by her exclusion.
“No... but there is a Princess Twilight ‘Spankle’ with Princess ‘Gaydance’ section.”
“WHAT??”
“‘These hot young sisters-in-law will awaken more than your ladybugs as they clap their hooves and do a little – experimentation.’” read Celestia.
Twilight flew beside Celestia and flipped through the aforementioned pictorial. She cringed as each page was more graphic than the one before it.
“How could anypony... what in the... I’ve never been so.... UHHHH!!! Somepony’s going to pay for this.”
“There’s nothing I can do for you, Rich," said Haul Goodwagon, Filthy Rich's attorney. "I hate to admit it but it’s true. That mare played you but good.”
“So you believe me?”
“Oh, absolutely. Tartaros hath no fury like a mare set on screwing you over. If you hadn’t told me her name was Cheerilee, I would have sworn that you had bludgeoned my first ex-wife. You don’t take requests, do you?”
Filthy Rich shot Haul a dirty look.
“I can see that this is a bad time for joking," said Haul. "Mea culpa. And since you don’t pay me for my winning personality and good looks, here’s some legal advice: plead guilty to all three charges and throw yourself at Princess Twilight’s mercy.”
“Is that really the best you can do for me?” asked Filthy Rich.
“Yes but it is sound advice. I’ve done my homework on this Twilight Sparkle. She’s not some stodgy, stolid lifer judge. She’s a pollyanna and she’s a novice at the criminal justice game. You have no idea how lucky you are that Princess Celestia selected her to oversee your trial instead of doing it herself. Plead guilty, keep your mouth shut, don’t waste Princess Twilight’s time and, at best, she might sentence you to fifteen to twenty in a maximum security prison where you might eventually be paroled. Who knows; if you keep your nose clean – among other parts of your anatomy – you could even earn some conjugal visits.”
“My testosterone is what got me into this mess. My genitals and I aren’t on speaking terms at the moment.”
“Well, that might be a good thing, Rich... because at worst, you’ll be surgically castrated – and then executed... or banished from Equestria... or banished to the Block of the Living in Tartarus where Tirek is imprisoned. I don’t know which way he swings but that is one bar of soap you definitely do not want to drop. No matter what happens, I’m sorry to say that your future looks pretty damned bleak.”
“Assuming that I’m given the death penalty for the murder... would I still be castrated for the rape before being put to death?”
“Let me answer that question with a question: would it be much of a punishment if it was done after you were put to death?”
“I suppose not.”
“Look at the bright side. At least you’re being surgically castrated. In the days before anesthesia, they just snipped off the-”
“Haul! Not helping.”
“Sorry.”
“I’m pleading guilty to the murder but not guilty to the marenapping and rape. I’ve lived by the truth all these years and I’ll die by it, too. My family’s word has been our bond for generations.”
“Well, unless you want your family’s word to be spoken in soprano, you’ll take my advice. I’ve led you to the water. I can’t make you drink it. Either way, thanks for the retainer. It paid for many a relaxing massage. I’ll send your daughter to the visitation booth now.”
Haul left the room and Filthy Rich entered a chamber with a magical force field in place. Within moments of his arrival, Diamond Tiara entered from the door on the other side of the force field. She ran to her father and plastered the side of her face against the magical barrier. Filthy Rich did the same. It wasn't the hug either of them wanted but it would have to do.
“Daddy,” she whimpered.
“Oh, Princess," said Filthy Rich. It’s so good to see you. Are you okay?”
“I’m all right... but what about you?”
“It’s no mansion in here but it isn’t as bad as I imagined it would be.”
“Why won’t they let me in to see you? I’m your daughter. You wouldn’t hurt me.”
“It’s just a precaution. What is that you’ve got on your hind legs?”
“It’s just a temporary harness so that I can get around while I heal.”
“Want to trade?” He pointed to his hind legs and the massive iron spheres chained to his ankles.
“What are those?”
“Safety weights. So that we prisoners don’t use our hind legs to buck a guard in the head. Just another precaution.”
“Are they gonna let you out of here?”
“Not yet. I have a hearing on Thursday morning. Once bail has been set... if bail has been set... I can post it and I’ll be able to go home for the duration of my trial.”
“Ponies are saying that you kidnapped Miss Cheerilee... and that you raped her. Why would anypony make up such lies about you?”
“I did sleep with her but-”
“EWW! Why, Daddy? She was gross!”
“...but I swear to you that it was consentual. And you may have thought she was gross but beauty is in the eye of the beholder... and I do have a stallion’s eyes.”
“Consentual or not, how could you get your jollies with the mare who hurt me?”
“There’s no ‘or not’ about it, Diamond Tiara. I’m telling you it was consentual and that’s the truth. And I didn’t know she had hurt you until she told me – which was after we’d slept together in the hotel room. She got to me before the authorities could inform me that she had whipped you and tried to kill you. And when you confirmed it for me, I went back and... ended her life. But I did not marenap her and I did not rape her.”
“Okay, I believe you, but still – why couldn’t you have had somepony else take care of her for you?” Diamond Tiara eyes shifted to one side and she whispered her next words while holding her right forehoof to the side of her mouth. “You... 'know' some ponies, don’t you?”
Filthy Rich frowned.
“Your father neither consorts with nor employs assassins, baby girl. You should know better than to ask me something like that. In fact, I remember Cheerilee saying that you had been up to a number of things that you should have known better than to do. She told me that you had been disrespectful to her; that you had been using my position with the school board to manipulate her... and that you basically drove her to attack you. What do you know about that?”
Diamond Tiara averted her eyes.
“Only that she’s almost as bad of a liar as she was a teacher,” she muttered.
“Diamond Tiara, do not cast your eyes away from your father when he’s asking you a direct question. A Rich always looks a pony in the eye when speaking to others. Otherwise, we risk being perceived as weak or dishonest, which we are not. Have I taught you nothing?”
Diamond Tiara hung her head. She remained silent.
“Don’t want to talk?” asked Filthy Rich. “Okay. I’ll talk some more. My lawyer told me that the authorities found your teacher’s medical records scattered about the floor of the schoolhouse, original documents that were never supposed to leave Ponyville Hospital’s records room. Not even Miss Cheerilee could request the originals. She only had copies of them and those were found in her home – but that file found its way to the schoolhouse on the day you were attacked. Do you know anything about that?”
Diamond Tiara remained silent. Filthy Rich raised an eyebrow.
“Well, whoever liberated those records from the hospital and left them for the police to find certainly must have had it in for me.”
“Why do you say that?” asked Diamond Tiara.
“I own a large part of Ponyville Hospital and I’m on the board of directors. Well, I was on the board of directors. Because somepony whose identity shall remain a mystery saw fit to pilfer Cheerilee’s personal medical records and chose to make her oophorectomy public knowledge, I stood to lose a fair amount of money in a breach of confidentialty lawsuit. All Miss Cheerilee had to do was hire a lawyer to write up the paperwork. But she didn’t get around to that because I ended her. Scratch one lawsuit. This gives the prosecution one Tartarus of an additional motive to pin on me in court, one that all but washes out my original ‘emotionally distressed father’ defense and repaints me as a desperate, money-grubbing madstallion.”
Diamond Tiara winced.
“Cheerilee could have just hanged herself if she wanted to die but that wouldn’t have done nearly as much damage as the plan she put together. That mare played me for a fool. She must have been laughing at me right before the end. I don’t know what you were thinking when you stole her file and used it to humiliate her but, my Celestia, baby girl, it is now that much harder for me to earn my freedom. I don’t want to go to prison but not even my lawyer likes my chances. Even if I’m somehow miraculously cleared of all charges and set free, the public will want to skin me alive for evading justice so soon after your sentence was suspended. They tend to remember when the wealthy find a way around the long foreleg of the law. Once is bad enough but twice? I assure you that the pitchforks and torches would not be far behind.”
“Idiots. All of them.”
“You know, not counting yesterday, everything I’ve done since I was eighteen years old, I did to make my family proud, to bring honor to the Rich name in Ponyville and Equestria. When you used the school board to put pressure on Miss Cheerilee so that you could do as you pleased in her class, were you thinking of how proud you’d be making your great grandfather Stinking Rich and the rest of the family up in Elysium? Hm? Did you think of how proud you’d be making me by drudging up Miss Cheerilee’s medical records and blabbing about her surgery to a bunch of foals who had no business knowing about it? Did you think about anypony but yourself?”
“...I... I don’t know.”
“Well, you might as well start thinking about me now because thoughts and memories are going to be all that you’ll have left to remember me by. The Rich name will be all but worthless in this town once I’m sentenced. There’s a good chance that I’ll be put to death for what I’ve done.”
“Please don’t be mad at me, Daddy. I love you.”
“I know, Diamond Tiara. I love you, too. I loved you too much... but I also didn’t love you enough. Cheerilee was right about one thing: I wasn’t there for you. For you to have done the things you’ve done without me noticing is a reflection of my poor parental supervision. I’ve failed as a father.”
“Don’t say that! The last pony who should be talking to anypony about parenting was her!”
“No, baby girl, she opened my eyes. I accept full responsibility. For everything. This is for the best. My mind is made up. You should know I’m pleading not guilty to the rape and marenapping but I am pleading guilty to the murder.”
“Why? You didn’t kill anypony that didn’t deserve to die!”
“So you presume to know who deserves to live and who deserves to die? Sweetheart, I threw my moral compass away when I decided to kill your teacher in cold blood. I wasn’t in my right mind. How is it that you happen to be blessed with the wisdom to make that kind of judgment call when it’s hard enough for a court of law to do the same thing?”
“I... I don’t know, all right? Just... please... don’t let them take you away from me. I don’t want to lose you. You’re all I have left.”
“I’d rather lose every cent I’ve ever earned than bring you to tears, Diamond Tiara. But actions have consequences. Now, somepony has to face those consequences and if it’ll take the heat off of you, I’d rather it be me. It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done... and I’m doing it because I love you. It's getting to be past your bedtime, little lady. You should get back to the mansion. I’ll see you when I come home, Princess. Bye.”
“Bye.”
Diamond Tiara blew her father a kiss as she walked backwards and left the room. Haul Goodwagon saw the filly walk past him.
“Hey, kid," said Haul. "I can give you a ride home if you wa-”
“Don’t talk to me," growled Diamond Tiara. "You’re worthless! I hate you!”
Haul flinched as Diamond Tiara slammed the door behind her on her way outside.
“I think I may have found a future ex-wife-in-training,” he noted to himself.
Silver Spoon was standing in nothingness. There was nothing to see but blackness in every direction. She looked at her left foreleg. She could see her own body clearly despite the lack of a visible source of light... and that made no sense. She was seconds away from calling out for somepony when an image of the Equestrian national banner appeared before her.
“Thank you for using the Equestrian Princess Summoning Spell,” said a mare’s voice. “All of our princesses are currently busy helping other subjects. Your summoning may be monitored for quality assurance and training purposes. The expected wait time for the next available princess will be... twelve... minutes. When your summoning has concluded, please remain on the spell to participate in a brief subject satisfaction survey.”
The darkness lifted and Silver Spoon was hit with the salty smell of the ocean and a noticeable increase in temperature. She was on the deck of an olden days sailing ship that was being overrun by pirates who were boarding it from a ship moored to its starboard side. The boarding party was engaged in a ferocious sword battle with three dozen armed soldiers – and the soldiers were dropping like flies. When the last soldier fell, the pirates focused their attention on Silver Spoon. The filly gulped and, as she took a few steps backward, she felt something brushing against her flank and hind legs. She looked at her body and saw that she was clad in a period accurate pine green dress, complete with a bodice and a crinoline petticoat. She barely had a moment to admire the beauty of her intricate ensemble when a group of pirates seized her roughly and tied her forehooves together. She was slung across the back of one pirate who then trotted over to the mainmast and set her down.
Silver Spoon saw a filly standing by the mainmast and instantly recognized her as Diamond Tiara, dressed in a pirate captain’s hat and a long fancy scarlet coat with shiny gold buttons.
“Greetings, Lady Fencepigeon,” said Diamond Tiara. “I be Demon Terror, captain of the goodship Sarah Jessica Parker and ye be my prisoner. Your father, The Duke of Trottingham, will pay handsomely for your safe return. A pity that yer ransom won’t spare ye the natural wear and tear that comes with sharing my bed.”
“Your bed?”
Captain Terror turned her head and faced her crew.
“All right, mateys, you know the drill,” she barked. “Pick this ship clean of everything of value. I’ll be taking Lady Fencepigeon here aboard the Sarah Jessica Parker to me quarters down below. Leave us be until nightfall. I want to enjoy this delicate morsel to the fullest.”
“Yes!” squealed Silver Spoon. “I’m going to be enjoyed! Down below!”
“Ah, what a beauteous flower ye be, Lady Fencepigeon,” said Captain Terror as he untied Silver Spoon's forelegs. The fillies were locked away in the captain's quarters with a few candles lighting the cramped room.
“Thanks," she said, throwing herself on the captain's bed. "Now could you please get a move on and make with the ravishing?”
“Ye know, a sea captain’s life be a lonely one.” The captain removed her coat slowly as she reflected on the philosophy of her profession.
“Yeah, yeah, less talking, more deflowering, okay? We’ve got... what, probably less than nine minutes to go?” Silver Spoon fiddled with her bodice to remove her clothing but its thin laces weren't designed to be undone by pony hooves. "Geez, how does a pony get this thing on without a unicorn's help?"
“Allow me, milady.” Captain Terror climbed on top of Silver Spoon, bit down on the neckline of Silver Spoon’s dress, and leaned back, tearing the garment open and exposing most of the gray filly’s torso. Captain Terror hungrily covered Silver Spoon’s neck with kisses, placing the next one lower than the one before it.
“Oh-ho-yeah-ha!” whooped Silver Spoon, smiling and wriggling with anticipation. “Can you say ‘best dream ever’?” She closed her eyes and reveled in the sensation. “Find my buried treasure, Captain Terror. X marks the-” Silver Spoon opened her eyes and stopped talking. She saw Princess Luna standing beside the bed, looking at her with one eyebrow raised. “Spot. I-I mean... Somepony...anypony... help meeee.” She struck the captain repeatedly with both forehooves with a speed that was less than retaliatory. She stopped for a moment and placed her right foreleg against her forehead. “I’m being taken advantage of by a filly. And I’m a filly, too, so..." She resumed her uninspired thrashing of the captain. "...Noooooooo.”
“Okay, wow," said Princess Luna with a facehoof. "Stop. Just... stop. You are the world’s worst actress.”
“What, you think I want this? This is, like, a nightmare for me since I’m, y’know...” Silver Spoon’s eyes rolled back in her head as Captain Terror kissed her chest. “...st... straight.” Her voice was breathy with delight. “I’m sorry, what were we talking about just now?”
“Give it up, Silver Spoon. You don’t have to pretend with me. I know you’re a filly-fooler... and I don’t care.”
“Oh. Well, you can’t blame a filly for trying. Say, I don’t suppose you could come back a little later, could you?”
“You summoned me. I am here now. Is this what you wanted to show me? A naughty dream? Because, I’ll be honest, I’ve seen better.”
Silver Spoon closed her eyes and sighed.
“No,” she grumbled. “This isn’t why I summoned you.”
“Then let’s not waste any more of my royal time, shall we?”
“Okayyyyy,” bemoaned Silver Spoon.
Princess Luna blasted Captain Terror with a bolt of energy from her horn, turning her back into harmless dreamstuff which dissipated and then vanished.
“Now then – it has been eons since I have been summoned by the method which you have used,” explained Luna. “It makes me feel delightfully nostalgic. I used to monitor these summonings almost exclusively before my fall from grace as Nightmare Moon. Since my return to the earth, I’ve resumed responsibility for it. Unfortunately, everypony who knew of this summoning ritual has passed on and nopony living now even remembers that it exists. How did you discover it, if you don’t mind my asking?”
“I found it in a book called The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Horned Flying Royal Lady Horses.”
“I didn’t think any copies of that book still remained, outside of museum exhibits.”
“No, actually, it looked brand new. My teacher lent it to me.”
“Well, that book was published two millenia ago so either it’s a reproduction or your teacher can travel through time.” Luna clapped her forehooves together. “Let’s begin, shall we?”
“Yes, of course.”
“You don’t mind if I speak to you in The Royal Canterlot Voice, do you? For old time’s sake, you understand.”
“Oh, no, not at all. But first, I have a question. Have you ever gone by the name She Who Welcomes?”
“No, child. Why do you ask?”
“No reason. Please continue.”
“Thy Princess of the Night hath arrived.”
“O, Luna, Princess of the Night, Guardian of Dreams, Protector of Foals, thy humble subject begs of thee a boon.”
“Pray, what is this boon thou speakest of, my loyal subject?”
“I need your help to reunite with my friend Diamond Tiara. We had a falling out and I want an audience with her so that she can hear what I have to say. She would only run away from me if I approached her but she’d respect you. She’d obey somepony as powerful and wise and beautiful as you.”
“My, my. You’re quite the apple polisher, aren’t you, my child? Very well, then. Present thy sacrificial tribute to thy Princess that we may verify that thy homage is equal to thine request. Eee! This is so much fun! I love receiving gifts.”
“My... sacrificial tribute?”
“Yes, child.”
“Uhhh...”
“You know – your offering?”
Silver Spoon’s jaw dropped.
“I... don’t have an offering, Your Highness.”
“Didst thou summon thy Princess without the proper traditional offering? Oh, poo.”
“I must not have read far enough in the book. I don’t remember seeing anything about an offering.”
“In days of old, to summon a princess without having her tribute at the ready was a grave insult punishable by banishment from Equestria.”
“Please spare me, Your Highness! I didn’t know!”
“I said ‘in days of old’. Pay attention.”
“Oh, right. Sorry. Anyway, I’ve got seven hundred and fifty thousand bits in my savings account. Just say the word and it’s all yours.”
“We care not for earthly riches, child. We require something more substantial than... Wait, did you say seven hundred and fifty thousand bits? As in three-quarters of a million?”
“Yes. Is that not enough? Did you want more? I might be able to ask my dad for an advance on my allowance.”
“You mean you can get your hooves on even more money? Huh! This is preposterous! I don’t have that much spending money... and I’m The Princess of the Night!” Luna narrowed her eyes and stroked her chin. “It would appear that a word with the royal treasurer is in order.”
“So you’ll take my savings?”
“No. It wouldn’t look good for my royal guard to show up at my bank to deposit your check. And hauling off a wagonful of cash would look even worse.”
“Then what is it that you want for your tribute?”
“A higher paying career, for starters.”
“What?”
“Never mind, child. What doth thou possess that thou valuest... Wait... valuest? Is it – is it valuest? Or valueth? Why doesn’t that sound right?”
“Beats me.”
“This is what happens when you don’t have anypony to speak The Olden Tongue with for a thousand years. What hath thou currently in thy possession that thou holdest most dear?”
“Apart from my money and my friendship with Diamond Tiara, there’s nothing I have of value. How depressing is that? Um... do you want... oh, gosh, what about my cutie mark?”
“Your princess hath her own cutie mark. What need hath we of a second one?” Luna chuckled at something. “Heh, then I’d be Princess Spoona! Ha ha ha ha ha! In all seriousness, it’s very sweet of you to offer your cutie mark but I do have my own... and my sister would have a fit if she heard I took one as tribute. Isn’t there anything else you have? Something that’s exclusively yours that you’d miss if it was gone but that you’d be willing to part with in exchange for my help? It doesn’t have to be a material object.”
“Do you wannnnnnnnnnnnt... my parents?”
“Your parents? I’m not a dealer in equine trafficking, child. Pray, who are your parents that you would offer them to me?”
“Hoity Toity and Photo Finish.”
Princess Luna grimaced.
“Ugh. I’ve visited their dreams before.” Luna shuddered. “You can have them – along with my sympathies.”
“Thank you.”
“Not to mention that you’d have to miss them if they were gone for it to count as a sacrifice.”
“Oh, right, I forgot about that. Uhhh, what else, what else?”
Silver Spoon remembered that she did have something. With any luck, it would fit the bill.
“Princess,” she said. “I do have something that is exclusively mine that I would miss if it was gone... only... I’m hesitant to offer it because I don’t want to offend you.”
“A poor offering is less offensive than no offering, child.”
“I have a... I can’t believe I’m doing this... I have a hairpulling fetish. When my hair is pulled, it feels immensely pleasurable. It even... oh, never mind.”
“What? ‘It even’ what?”
“I’d rather not say, Your Highness. It’s embarrassing.”
“Oh, come onnnnnnn... don’t be that way. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re both girls here.”
“Well, all right. It even feels... naughty. Like, really naughty.”
Princess Luna blinked. Her eyes shifted awkwardly from side to side.
“Th... Thy... Princess of the... Night hath... no need for such... base... indulgences. How naughty are we talking?”
“This summoning is monitored for training purposes, right?”
“Yes, what you and I say is magically transcripted and archived. But whispers are exempt from the transcription spell and my sister hasn’t read those transcripts in eons. At least I hope she hasn’t. Would you feel more comfortable whispering it to me?” Silver Spoon nodded and Luna lowered her head. Silver Spoon approached the princess and whispered the details of the fetish into her ear. Luna's eyes widened with surprise.
“You’re putting me on,” said Luna.
“No, I’m not,” said Silver Spoon. "I swear it can happen if you pull long enough."
Princess Luna used her levitation to remove Silver Spoon’s scrunchie.
“Though ‘tis a meager offering at best, thy Princess hath taken pity on thee. It is done. Thine scrunchie hath been accepted, Silver Spoon, and thy boon shall be granted."
“But I thought you-”
“We said thine... ‘scrunchie’... wink, wink... hath been accepted, Silver Spoon.”
“Oh. Right. My ‘scrunchie’. Thank you.”
“Thy friend shall be calling upon thee soon to discuss thine broken friendship. So sweareth Princess Luna of Equestria. Okay, the transcription is off now.”
“How soon is soon, Your Highness?”
“What do I look like; a waitress? Why don’t I just get on that right away? It’s not as though I have any other major responsibilities. I just raise this tiny little thing every night. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s called... the moon? Honestly. I’ll get to your friend when I can find the time. Oh, just to make sure the sacrifice worked...”
Luna bit down on Silver Spoon’s braid and pulled hard.
“AAOW!!” shrieked Silver Spoon. She glared at Luna angrily. “Hey! That hurt!” Her expression changed from irritation to one of understanding. Her fetish was in the hooves – or scalp in this case – of Princess Luna now. “Oh, wow. It worked. It just hurts.” She rubbed the base of her braid with her right forehoof. “So that’s what it feels like to everypony else to have their hair pulled, huh? That sucks. No wonder Di thought I was a pervert.”
Luna pulled her own mane via telekinesis. She gasped as her eyes closed and her tongue dangled.
“Oh, manure,” she said with a pleased smile. She gave it a second stronger tug. “Oh-ho-ho, manurrrre! Your princess enjoys this tribute!”
“It works on your tail, too, but don’t pull your tail and your mane at the same time unless you’re, like, all alone.”
Princess Luna decided that being in Silver Spoon’s presence constituted being alone and she began pulling her own tail and mane simultaneously.
Silver Spoon yelped as she sat up in her bed, having successfully forced herself to awaken rather than be subjected to a disturbing display. She turned on her nightstand lamp, put on her glasses and took her braid into her hooves. Her scrunchie was gone, which meant that her fetish was gone as well. As she lay back down and stared at the ceiling, she cheered herself up by reminding herself that Princess Luna would grant her an audience with Diamond Tiara – perhaps even in the dreamworld. She unbuttoned her pajama top and touched her chest where Captain Demon Terror had kissed her.
Silver Spoon’s pupils narrowed as she saw a long, dark pointy object rise quickly from her chest. It was Princess Luna's horn. The alicorn had made herself intangible and her head was now poking through Silver Spoon's chest.
“You forgot to take the survey,” said Princess Luna who was now nose to nose with the filly.
Silver Spoon was so startled by the sudden and patently creepy arrival of Princess Luna that she summarily fainted. Luna cringed and covered her own mouth with her right forehoof, remorseful over frightening the poor filly unintentionally.
“Oh, dear,” said Luna. “Please forgive me, child. But... as long as you’re asleep again, would you mind terribly rating my service with all fives?”