Turns out you can eat Hay burgers.
Just with great difficulty. Honestly I had never tried to chew something more in my life. I sat there with an empty plate after carefully eating. Unlike the 'princess' across from me who literally devoured it. She gave out a huge belch before she realised I was still there. She looked at me sheepishly and smiled while I was just shocked (and ill) from her eating.
"Sorry, It has been a while since I have tried these... succulent burgers. I have been on a diet and Luna wont let me off it." She spoke eyeing up the empty plate, she seemed disappointed.
"So you binge eat when she is not here?" I said bluntly. Honestly it was like watching a dog eat when she ate that thing!
She looked at me sternly about to say something, but I cut her off. "Before you shout at me or tell me off. I will tell Luna if you're not careful." She stopped and eyed me for a little, least I could blackmail her.
"You are and evil human Adam"
"That I am" I said proudly.
"It's okay for Luna she can eat whatever she wants and never get a fat flank" She complained. Oh god here comes the whining.
"Fat flank?"
"Yes how did one of your humans say it? 'Junk in tha trunk'"
"Oh... fat arse now I get it."
"Yes, Luna teased me about it since we were fillies. Then again I got her back by enchanting her mane to get messy after sleeping."
She giggled at that point, probably reliving a memory. I just sat there and wondered how they can have free flowing manes. If Gucci saw this princess he would die of a heart attack.
"So anyway, princess," I began changing the subject to more serious matters. "I have been offered to help out in the guard. I will be helping train moon platoon. I hope you don't mind?"
She looked at me with her face scrunched up "Do you mean the one from the Luna guard, the Platoon that has been causing havoc with my solar guard?" she asked, her eye twitching slightly.
"Yes that one, is there a problem? Because the Captain said they are a handful."
"They have caused, the most disruption out of any guards over my lifetime! They trot around like they own the place but get scared when me or Luna turn up." She groaned in frustration and slammed her head on the table. Clearly this platoon is worse than I thought if the Princesses are affected.
"Well that's is why I am helping their commander Lieutenant Night Strike to train them. Maybe some of my training will help keep them in line. Also allow me to see how you train your guards. Seems a win, win to all parties." I said taking another gulp on this delightful tea.
"She lifted her head up and looked at me like I had just saved her ass. "You would do that? Train The most difficult Platoon in the Guard?"
"Yup"
"Sergeant either you are a fool or a hero. If you can help in anyway with that thorn in the wing group. I and the guard would be in your debt!"
"Yes well, I was hoping it would make some reputation in the guard. If I am going to need your forces princess, I will need to make friends and show humanity can be a great ally. Which brings me onto the other matter."
"Which is?" She leaned in keen to hear what else I might ask.
"Well, I may of mentioned to the captain that I would give a weapons demonstration," I said carefully gesturing to the rifle on my bag. She looked at it for a second and then back to me. He expression was of stone and I could not tell what she might say. "I just need to give one and I won't use the grenade launcher. It's just to show the guard what I can do and also to get the captain on the good side. He seems pretty interested in weapons."
"Sergeant Jones," She began, oh dear "I am a little worried that showing off these 'guns' will taint the minds of my little ponies. Then again if you show how dangerous they are you may put them off completely. I will authorise this, but only in the presence of me, princess Luna and all the officers of the guard."
"Thank you, princess. I completely agree." Thank god that was sorted but I would have to scare the living crap out of the guard at how devastation a weapon is. Luckily I am pretty good at scaring people. A few real war videos later and they will be weary of me for days. But if I scare them too much they may be weary of me entirely. So I would have to keep it light, I'll plan something tomorrow, right now Moon Platoon.
I looked at my watch that now read 2pm, plenty of time.
"Is there anything you wish to ask princess?"
"Well I am sure it would help if I knew the human soldier better. Where on your world do you come from?"
"Well, originally I come from outside Manchester, but as soon as I joined the army I get moved everywhere. What I enjoy most is the travel."
"Does your family not miss you?"
"Nope"
"How...how do you know?" She looked shocked at my answer.
"Simple I haven't talked to them, seen them or heard from them since I joined the army." I said bluntly.
"Do you miss them?" she continued.
"No, Look I got out of my hell of a family and I would rather keep it that way. I am not going to say why, but that was my past. The army is my family now. They have taken more care of me than any 'family' I had." I shut up after that, I really did not like talking about before the army. The army was my big break and made me who I was today. I would never forget my experience in it, nor this one.
"Sergeant, did..." At that point I raised a hand to shut her up.
"Just shut it, okay? My personal past is one I would rather forget, sadly I can't forget it. So lets just forget this happened okay?" I took a big gulp of the tea to finish it off. I could feel the pressure building inside me, all the memories flooding back. Every time I thought of the past just brought back a lot of emotions.
I got up from my chair, making the princess look very shocked. She tried to say something but the look I was giving he shut her up. She knew saying something to me right now would be a bad idea. I was inches from punching the table, I guessed she knew that too. I grabbed my bag and made my way back through the doors "I am sorry princess, as much as I'd love to stay, I have a job to do." I stormed back into the castle, not even looking behind me heading back to my dorm. Where is a punch bag when you need one?
Adam was now sat on his bed, in his room. He had taken off his armour and left his gear all over the floor. He held his head in his hands trying to regain control. He breathed deeply trying to get as much oxygen in him to relax. He kept repeating the word 'calm' in his head and out loud, just to stop him kicking off.
It had been a while since this last happened, a whole year ago from what he remembered. Him having a sort of panic attack, except in this one all he wanted to do was break something just to release all his anger. In the end something snapped in his head and he punched the pillow at the end of his bed. He took a few more deep breaths before regaining control.
"Why the fuck do you have to haunt me?" He said to himself.
At that point he heard knocking on his door "Come in!" He said trying to return to a normal state. The door slowly crept open to reveal Night Strike standing in the doorway, with a very confused expression on her.
"Is everything okay sergeant?" She asked seeing him still in a mess. She had been cleaning her armour, when she heard him stomping when he came in and when he slammed his door. She could see the distress in him clearly but also see that he was doing his best to clear it up.
"Yeah, yeah all is fine cheers. What's up?" He asked looking up at his guest.
"Well, I just heard you got it, sounded like you slammed the door. Are you sure you're okay? If you like you don't have to help with the training later." She started to walk into the room slowly, still trying to give the soldier some room.
"No, I can, I want to in fact. Just been a rough day that's all. Maybe a good night might help ha! I'll get over it don't worry." He lifted his help to give his bat pony friend a reassuring smile. She smiled back and sat down on the bed beside him.
"You do understand that my platoon is tough to control right? How do you think you are going to keep control?" She asked curious at what Adam had in store for them. He looked at her switching to his soldier mode and began to explain.
"Well basically all soldiers have to go through phase one training. This was to basically make you a basic infantry soldier, phase two was your specialty. But to do special forces training meant you had to at least have basic phase 1 and 2. Special forces training was tough as well, so I doubt that would actually keep any of them in the guard. It may even kill some of them. So I'm going to use the Royal Marine Commandos model of training. Mixed in with your guard training of course. It should break them down and build them not just into better guards but better me... I mean ponies. Trust me by the time we are done with them they will be the best god damn team in Equestria." He said with emphasis. He grabbed a notebook from his day sack and started to make notes on some of the training involved. Obviously he would have to replace Skill at arms training with melee weapons rather than guns. He was glad his mind was being distracted with talking about this, also it meant he could actually plan all of it rather than go off the top of his head.
In his time as a paratrooper he had competitions against the royal marines since both regiments were considers one of the toughest. Both their training was different but the troops the same, supposedly royal marine commandos have the toughest training in the world (supposedly). So if that training did not get them into shape, they may as well quit.
That hour they talked on how training would be carried out, the lieutenant seemed fine with most of the tactics, maybe a little excited. He explained how the first few weeks would be just to break them down and the rest to build them up and test them. He also asked if he could devote all of them down to a recruit level. Just so they realise what it means to go from zero to hero.
"You want to do what!?" She asked with a reaction from her wings.
"Look, putting them down will put them all at the same level. It will teach them respect and give those who have skills to start to shine. Rather than be put down by some other guard. Just trust me after 2 months they will be a force to be reckoned with. You keep your rank obviously." Adam explained.
"I should hope so, or I will bite you." She said holding her arms in a huff.
"The skill at arms training you will have to do. I'll tag along see if I can learn something too, might come in handy. I am also giving a weapons demonstration in a few days I want them there to witness what I can do," He got up from the bed and looked over the notes he had just made.
Over the next two months he would help in training the platoon. Stripping away all they know now and building them from scratch, into a well oiled machine. A war machine if you like. He had to admit in his mind though it was pretty exciting. "But for now we have to break the bad news to these guys, Also I must warn you some will want to leave, if they do just let them walk away. Reassign them to another platoon or let them walk, just don't stand in their way."
"Won't we lose ponies easily then?" She asked taking to the air, hovering.
"Well yes," Adam started putting his armour back on "But it was the policy of the army in the first few weeks of training you could leave, up to a point where you take the oath. After that you couldn't leave, I'll give these guys 3 weeks before they are locked in."
The mere thought about it for a second. She was placing her team in his hands, but she could do with all the help she could get. She did like the sound of having one of the best and maybe learning a few things herself. She liked the sergeant, but if he didn't deliver, she would personally buck him straight to tartarus. "Okay sergeant do what you must, but you better deliver."
He chuckled an evil laugh and looked straight at her "Oh don't you worry, I will."
We were now outside prepping for the first day of training. It was going to be fun telling these dicks they were now recruits again. Then again it was going to be hell getting used to the routine of getting up midday and sleeping at 4am. We walked to the Form Up Point, where Night strike had told them to go.
We got there expecting to see a full body of men all formed up but what I saw just made me want to flip.
All of them where just sat around doing fuck all. Each in their own little group talking, NOT formed up like they are meant to be. I was shocked but when I saw lieutenant Strike not phased by this behaviour I was worried. Lack of discipline can get people killed especially in the field. We stood in front of all the group and the bat commander issued her orders "Three ranks now! Form up!" All of them got up and began to run around finding a spot to form up in. They didn't even try to form up in the right order so the whole thing just looked a mess. I must mention at this point when it comes to drill and movement, I have OCD, pretty much like any other soldier.
I gave the Lieutenant a look and she just shrugged we just walked up and she began her talk.
"Alright you not listen in!" They all braced for her speech. I notice they pay attention when she is around but become a problem when she isn't. "As you all know, we have a guest, some of you may of met him or seen his little fight yesterday. This," She pointed a hoof at me "Is Sergeant Jones of Earth. Where he comes from he is one of the elite, where he comes from is dangerous and most certainly where he comes from is tough! Now we have the pleasure of him helping us being the best damn platoon in the guard! You will treat him as one of our own!
You will follow his orders! Anyone got a problem with that?" The whole platoon was silent but if you looked closely, you could see the expression's twitch.
"Good, if you would like to start off Sergeant, please" She walked back towards me and gave me a wink. Cheers bat mare, drop me in it. I stepped forward placing my hands behind my back and started to pace up and down. I didn't say a word just watched all the eyes looking back at me. I could feel the vibe off all of them and it was not welcoming. But either way I was stuck with them as they were of me.
"Good evening Moon platoon!" I shouted getting no response. "I said good evening Platoon!" The whole platoon just looked at me with eyes that could not be arsed.
"Well then, I thank you for the welcome," I began "It is my pleasure to be working alongside the guard. Sadly I am out with you lot, you bunch of fucking, arse, holes!" A few went wide eyed at my small outburst, now to start the grilling. "I am sergeant Adam Jones of the British army. Where I come from I am special forces, that means I am part of the elite of my army. I am trained to kill without hesitation like any other soldier in the army, but I do it effectively. Unlike you of the guard who are told to use it only as an absolute last resort. So if any of you try to come up to me and try me on. I will not hesitate to kill you in self defence," I could tell that a few where looking at me trying to size me up, but I say bring it on, then they will see what a paratrooper can do to them.
"Now introductions aside, I am here not just to learn something or to provide security but to teach. That means you lot! From what I hear you are the WORST fucking platoon in the whole guard! That bad in fact the princesses find you a bother as well. You are all ill trained, have lack of discipline and are generally a waste of fucking space. If I had it my way I would kick you out of the fucking guard!" A few at this point started to scrunch up in their faces in anger, until one broke the silence.
"Buck off you ape!" I heard from some where that let loose the whole load of them hurtling abuse at me. Just the reaction I wanted, I reached under my arm attached to my armour and pulled my combat knife from its sheath. I had this made when I joined the army, and it was a true blade. It did the job I wanted and more and now it was going to show itself off again. In one fluid motion I threw the knife forward. It flew through the air heading straight for its intended target, a night guard unicorn. It hit the target on the ear just as I intended, Like I was going to kill a perfectly shit guard?
It cut his ear making him howl in pain. It didn't cut off the ear but left a nasty gash. All of the night guards ceased shouting to look at their wounded friend now looking quite terrified. I looked at him still in my throwing stance smiling at him, and said "Well what do you know I missed. It's your lucky day mate."
He looked at me in pure fear, as did the other guards. " Well I did warn you," I turned to look at Night strike who was also pretty shocked by the whole ordeal. All was silent around me which is what I needed "Let that be an end to any more lack of discipline. Guard go fall out and seek medical, might need stitches, think of it as a war wound for the mares," The unicorn fell out correctly and ran for the medical building. "As for the rest of you, you are all shit. End of. But have no fear you are not getting thrown out. Instead I, Alongside the lieutenant here, will be training you. But you will not be a simple platoon of the guard, Oh no you will be the best platoon of the guard maybe even ever! I will train you, guide you and push you to things you never thought possible. It will be hard mentally and physically, but by the end of it you will be so hard you may not even need armour!" A few of them laughed at the comment so did I. "But I need to trust you as well as you to trust me. Cross me... and you have seen what happens. But if we work as a machine nothing like that will happen ever again. If you don't want to take part you can leave in the first 2 weeks after that your fate is sealed. If you wish to leave do not be scared, it is better to admit you can take no more than break completely. So before I carry on who wishes' to leave?"
The whole field was silent for a second. I would give them five minutes to consider. I was looking out for the slightest of movements, both me and night strike where. But no one moved. That was until a face I knew stepped forward.
Corporal black night. He stepped forward without even a flinch, the bat pony walked towards me. The others looked at him even I did, I was expecting a response from him but what would it be. A swing at me? Maybe some shouting? No he halted in front of me and stared at me, but I didn't flinch.
"Sergeant," He spoke accordingly "You want to train this platoon using your tactics alongside traditional Equestrian training, that has been here for hundreds of years? All to make this team into the best?"
"That is the plan yes."
"Well then," He took off his helmet, looks like he wanted to quit.
"I want in."
"Wait...what?" Adam asked.
"I want in, if you say you are the elite show me, I bet that I will fly rings around you." He looked at him trying to challenge the soldier. Who was pretty shocked but by his second statement was now smiling. He was going to break this pony till he cried for his mother.
"Well then, I was honestly expecting you to leave. But I will break you. That is part of becoming a soldier, I say you will last 4 weeks before you cry. After that is up to you will you buck up and become a stallion, or will you run with your tail between your legs?" Adam stepped forward with every word, squaring up to the pony that was just short of him. He did want him to leave, but this, this was so much better. Here he was serving himself on a plate of revenge, and boy was Adam going to eat him up.
"Try me... sergeant"
"Fall back in then then we shall see," The pony saluted for some reason and went to fall back in. Adam watched with a evil grin on his face. "Now then anyone else got anything for show and fucking tell?" silence followed, looks like every guard was committed.
"Good," Adam turned to his partner Night Strike. "Do you have what I asked for lieutenant?" The bat mare then walked over with a brown sack in her mouth and handed it over to Adam. He went into the sack and pulled at a black beanie hat.
Adam help up the hat in the air so that all the Luna guards could see and spoke "This is what you will be wearing for the next 3 weeks. You do not deserve to wear the helmet of a guard or the Luna symbolYET, but if you do pass the first 3 weeks you will be allowed to wear the helmet again. Let this be a punishment for all your past sins. Pass through the whole training and you will receive your badge back something extra. Anyone wish to reconsider leaving?"
A few looked around but all of them understood what he had proposed. In all of their heads they were admitting they were that bad and maybe this hairless ape could help them. Some doubted whether he could train them, others just wanted to be the best. But all of them accepted that either way, they would go through with this training. No one wanted to end up like the wounded unicorn.
Every guard took off their helmets and took a hat from their new sergeant. The lieutenant collected the helmets and badges from their armour. The guards now accepted their fate, everyone of them sealed by the mad sergeant walking around.
"Now then, care to do the honours lieutenant?" Adam asked once they were back at the front.
"With pleasure," The bat mare smiled at him and then turned her gaze to her troops. "FULL
SADDLE BAGS MARCHING GEAR, 2 MINUTES BACK HERE GO!"
The whole platoon erupted into a explosion of ponies. All of them scrambling for their bunks to get their saddle bags and return. It was bad enough for them to be scared of the lieutenant, now they had a mad human that was not afraid to kill as well.
A few seconds later and the dust had settled and still stood there was the human soldier and pony officer.
"Do you think it worked?" Night Strike asked Adam.
"Hope so, we will find out after 2 weeks, but so far it's okay. Was surprised that black night didn't walk off."
"That stallion can be stubborn. He is afraid of me, but he seems bent on tartarus with you."
"Yeah, seems that way. Lets just hope he turns out better by the end of this," Adam sighed as he looked at his watch, 30 seconds gone. "How much does a saddle bag weigh?"
"Around 25kg, is that enough?"
"For now yes, by the end of the training they will be able to run with 40 kg"
"How long is the run?"
"For now its 2 miles after it will be 5, might injure a few along the way but they will heal. Seen it happen loads of times."
"Is that what you had to do? Back on earth with your army I mean?"
Adam looked at her now with raised eyebrows "Oh no, it was worse it was 30kg at the start running 4 miles by the end it was 55 kg over 8 miles. I'm taking it easy on you since you are not a full on army, nor are you special forces."
"Wow, you must really be strong..."
Adam knew what she was trying to do with her eyes batting them at him. "Nice try, ain't going to work on me, you horny pony."
"Sorry I can get carried away," She blushed trying to regain control "Is it not harsh that they still do guard duties straight after all these training sessions?"
"Part of the job, "He explained "It what they did before is it not? This is no different, except the training is harder and they will be working some weekends. But they better be ready or they will end up like the unicorn... sorry about that by the way."
"No problem you did warn me that something like that might happen. You weren't actually aiming for him where you?"
"Nope, although it was tempting" he mused.
The bat pony jumped in front of him and snarled "Okay, okay. I wasn't, I was just joking Jesus," Adam looked past her and saw the first lot of guards running back with full gear on minus the helmets, of course. "Ah good their back." He looked at his watch 1 minute 43 seconds, not bad.
All of them formed back up, all of them in the exact places as before, panting all out of breath. Saves doing the warm up Adam thought. By 2 minutes they where all formed up and ready to go, but for them they had no idea they would be doing.
"Alright troops!" Night Strike started "You are all going to do a run from here around the perimeter of the inner wall and back. WITH, full gear on, me and the sergeant will be watching so if anyone slacks or cheats I will let loose the sergeant on you!" A few looked shocked but before any of them could protest, Adam cut them off.
"In 3...2...1 GO!" All the ponies ran for their lives dragging the ones about to protest with them. Left in the dust was a sniggering pair of commanders. Laughing at the shocked and terrified faces of the ponies.
"Ha! Did you see that bat ponies face haha! 'Sergeant do... gah!'," Adam made an impression of one of the guards being caught up. "If only we had a camera ha!"
The mare laughed at his mock impression, she saw the guard too "Haha! He's probably still trying to protest, even with being dragged along by black night! haha!" The laughter died down and they began their own light run of the inner wall but in the opposite direction. That way they could catch any out.
Adam ran in full gear with ease, he was loving this. He was starting to love this whole training thing, new world new challenges. More glory.