//------------------------------// // Chapter One: Press Start To Play // Story: A Buggy Game // by Bucking Nonsense //------------------------------// Okay, I'll take over for a bit. My role in the story starts where every gamer's story should: Playing games. I was practicing with the rest of my team that morning, as per my usual. I had been having 'attacks' for a couple of weeks by then, but I had hoped that I might be able to power through them. I was fooling myself, honestly: The attacks were getting worse, each time, lasting longer and getting more extreme. However, I was not willing to face yet the very real possibility that I might never be able to game properly ever again. However, that day, I was about to have the worst attack yet, and it was going to be a humdinger. I was playing League Of Legends with my crew, and we were on fire that day. I was rocking the top lane with Wukong, and the others were playing their parts so well it was like a symphony. The other team was decent, but they may as well have been standing still for all that they managed to accomplish in the face of our superior skillz. Yes, that's 'skillz' with a 'z'. We were dunking on all three lanes. Creeps were falling in droves. The other guys were trying their best to get a foothold in, but the truth is that they were feeding us like they were being paid to. The Nexus was in sight, and we were... Right, I forgot how many non-gamers were in the room. I can explain what those terms mean. Not necessary? Alright. Long story short, we were winning, big time. No contest. Even when... even when I had my attack, they were still able to pull through without any problems. But... Right, I should explain what one of my attacks can entail, so you'll get the idea... Anatomy of an 'Attack': I'd get a flash, kind of like a picture in my head, of what I was doing, from the 'monster's' point of view. In this case, a little creep seeing a six-foot ape man swinging around a metal rod with both hands, striking down the other creeps around him. Then, it builds: He's seeing his friends, his comrades-in-arms, getting mowed down in droves by this maniac monkey, before finally getting slaughtered himself, by getting his head caved in by the righteous rod of cranial destruction. Imagine the fear, the horror, the agony that he felt in his last moments, seeing this unstoppable juggernaut and being powerless to defend himself. And I'm the one responsible for it. Me. I did that. To someone whose only crime was being in my way. Just because I wanted to win... A tidal wave of guilt, horror, and self-loathing then washes over me, and I hurl. I mean, I projectile vomit, big time. If I'd not had a split-second's warning, I'd have blasted my monitor. Instead, I puked in a trash can I kept conveniently beside my chair. Since this wasn't my first rodeo, I'd learned my lesson, and kept myself well prepared. From there, I logged off, sat huddled in a corner and cried for the better part of an hour. Yes, I cried. I am secure enough in my masculinity to admit that I have shed a manly tear or two. Admittedly, this round of weeping wasn't exactly dignified, but that's hardly important, is it? Moving on! Understandably, my team was worried about me. They're pretty cool guys and girls, and we've been together for a while. I went to high school with two of them, and the other two I met in college. We've gone to a few tourneys, not just LoL but other stuff as well. I won't brag, but we've won a whole lot more than we've lost. They... knew about my attacks. Well, they knew that I was having them, not what was causing them. Even if I explained it to them, I doubt that they'd believe me. Perhaps more importantly, I'd been asked not to spread the word about magic being real: For my friends' safety, believe it or not. Diggers like me are weirdness magnets. If I told them, they believed me, and they moved from Marginal to Digger status, then it was almost guaranteed to bring some sort of major supernatural event into their lives... and not all supernatural events are pleasant... or survivable. Anyways, I apologized for bugging out on them at the worst possible moment. I begged off training for the rest of the day, and told them we'd pick back up in a week: Give me some time to really get my head together. Honestly, I think we all needed a break: Like I said, our next tourney was coming up, so we'd be gaming like maniacs soon enough. A little R and R before then would be a blessing. A couple hours later, after cleaning up the mess, taking a shower, and putting on a change of clothes, I returned to my computer. I'd not yet gotten around to replacing my gaming console: With my attacks, I'd seriously considered putting gaming on a hold until either the next generation consoles came out, or I got over my attacks, whichever came first. Meantime, my computer was working just fine. My rig is pretty boss, I won't deny it. I've invested a lot of time, money, and love into it, and it has paid me back a thousand-fold. Top of the line, in every possible capacity. I could give you the specs if you'd like. No? Are you sure? Okay. If you change your mind, let me know. Alright, fine. Anyways, I sat down, powered on my pc, and was surprised to see I had an email from someone I didn't know. Rather rare event, given which account it had appeared on: I keep two email accounts, my public and 'private' email. My public email is mostly used for registration purposes and such: Stuff that requires an email address so you can sign up. Problem is, that ends up with you getting hammered with spam and ads and shit. I use my private email address for personal use. Keeps the annoyances to a minimum. Only a small number of people know that this second email address exists, and they all know not to give it out to anybody without asking me first. So, I had just received an email from a party I did not know, on an account that they should not have known about. That rang a small alarm bell, but I just assumed I had slipped up somewhere and gave my private email out by mistake. Honest mistake, it happens. Before opening, I researched the sender, found that it was a small indy games company by the name of Dimensional Designs Software. I checked their webpage, it seemed legit. I sent them an email, asked if they really had sent me an email. Turns out that, yes, as a matter of fact, they had. They had selected me, picking my name out of a random sampling of individuals who had participated in gaming tourneys over the last five years, to test out a new 'alpha' for a video game that they were developing. It was pretty unique and interesting stuff, the way they pitched it. The idea was that, by using voice recognition software and cutting edge artificial intelligence, the player could guide and teach a computer-controlled 'companion' to navigate a dungeon and solve puzzles. Now, normally, I'd be hesitant about taking on an escort mission, since those can be kind of a headache, but after Bioshock Infinite, I'd changed my mind about that kind of thing. DDS promised that my digital companion would be well crafted, and fully capable of interactive dialogue over the course of the entire game. They didn't say that it would pass the Turing test, but it was heavily implied that it might. I was intrigued, and since this particular game seemed less about violence and more about puzzles, it seemed like it would be pretty safe for me to pick up. I opened up the original email, now that I was confident that it was safe, and set it up to begin installing. While that went on, I began getting ready myself: Drained the lizard, made sure that my bowels weren't likely to require attention, made sure that I had a good meal in me, with plenty of snacks to keep me going on hand, if need be. I also made sure my headset was ready, and I tested to make sure the microphone was working properly. I didn't know if I'd be playing this for an hour, all day, or just fifteen minutes, but I wanted to be ready, regardless of the situation. I take gaming seriously, in case you haven't noticed. After all of that, which took me two hours (Yeah, sorry, I move slowly, folks. You can obviously see why that is). After that, I read the instruction manual, and familiarized myself with the controls. While I didn't control my companion directly, I would have a digital avatar that I would be managing. In a way, it seemed like a pretty interesting premise, honestly: Rather than playing Link, I'd be playing Navi. Ha! I knew most of you would get the reference. I resolved myself to refrain from being as... irritating as she was, though, and if I ever uttered the words 'Hey, listen', it would only be if there was something worth listening to. Moving on! Once everything was installed, and I was confident that I'd be able to play the game properly, I booted up the game. Dear, maybe you should tell this next part. --------------------------------- Thanks, love. That morning had started out the same way that just about every morning had started since the Canterlot Fiasco. I rose from the cold stone floor of the musty palace's throne room, turned to face the sun... and then cursed as loudly as I could. Yes, as a matter of fact, Equestria does actually have curse words. You won't hear them very often, but they exist. They don't have quite the bite that the curses that you humans use, but we on the pretty pony planet get by. After screaming 'MUUUUUUUUUUUCK!' at the top of my lungs, I then began to detail how I felt about the current situation I was in, as well as... well, to be honest, everything I felt that was wrong and unjust about the world. After my first day of being stranded, this rant had topped off at five minutes. By this point, the rant was over two hours long, and growing. I had about five days left before I ran out of love, and entered dry hibernation. I was understandably upset. I'd, um, rather not go into detail about what I was shouting, beyond what I've already said. I was yelling it all, knowing that no one was going to hear it. I don't think that I could ever say that kind of stuff to someone's face... Anyways, after that, I sat on the throne and rested. Yelling loudly like that takes a lot out of you. That, and it's fun to sit on a throne. Seriously, you should try it sometime. The fact that, on my third day of exploration, I'd located a crown, royal regalia, and a rather tattered royal cape made it even more enjoyable. Yes, Hiro, I was 'cosplaying'. I really had nothing else that I could do to pass the time, and paradoxically, acting a little bit crazy helped me stay mostly sane. If there had been any other intact clothing available, I would have spent the rest of the day wearing fancy dresses. Yes, really. Sweetie, you already knew that I liked to look pretty. That didn't start just because... Look, we're getting a little far afield. Let's just move on. After I got my energy back, I would go out to the edge of the palace grounds and look at what lay between myself and freedom. It was not a pretty sight. The palace in question was situated atop a small plateau that only had one road in or out. Everywhere else, it was a drop from a cliff with a crumbling rock face. Fun fact, ladies and gents: Changelings can stick to walls, but that ability cannot defy the fundamental laws of physics. If the wall cannot not bear the weight of having a full grown changeling stuck to it, it will fall apart, and the changeling in question will fall off. Common sense, right? That meant that there was no way I was climbing down without splattering myself on the ground far, far below. Flying, due to the previously mentioned damage to my wings, was out. And the road? It was a monster mash. Seriously, it was like every carnivorous monster in the world had congregated onto the road in order to ruin my life. Some sort of force field protected the palace, but while it seemed that it would let me in and out, it kept the monsters from coming in to get me. But since they knew that there was a free meal waiting inside, the monsters were willing to wait me out. They took turns keeping watch, and at any given time, there were at least twenty monsters on the path, watching me to see what I did. Intelligent carnivorous monsters don't often feed on one another. Have you noticed that? They'll often work together and share the food from the kill, rather than risk getting injured in a fight over territory and/or food. Some even become friends. Keep that in mind, the next time you try and trick monsters into fighting each other, it might save your life. The power of friendship can cut both ways. Anyways, I stood on the road, a short distance away from the edge of the force field, and... considered taking a few steps forward. Yes, I know exactly how bad that sounds, but let's be rational here: Dry hibernation is not a picnic, folks. It is a fate worse than death. I've... experienced it a couple of times, and while it may have been very brief, it was horrible enough that I knew I didn't want to be stuck like that forever. If I went into dry hibernation, there was every possibility that I would be trapped that way until the stars went out and the sun burned itself to cinders. If I fed myself to the monsters, at least it would end quickly. But I suppose that, underneath all my bitter cynicism, I'm an optimist: I still held out hope that someone or something might come to my rescue. I still had five days left. Maybe something would happen... Turns out that I was right. When I came back from my little excursion, I saw a small golden orb, about the size of an orange, floating in the middle of the throne room. Asides from the fact that it was levitating at about eye-level, and the fact that it was perfectly round and immaculate, there really was nothing that impressive about it. And then it spoke. "Good afternoon," the sphere said, with a cheerful voice, then asked, "How are you doing today?" Sitting down, shocked, my eyes flew wide and my jaw dropped. After a moment, I finally said, "It finally happened. I've gone crazy." If I could have cried (Changelings don't have tear ducts), I think I would have. The sphere asked, "What makes you think that?" "The impossible, floating golden orb asked," I snarked, irritation immediately coloring my tone. "A point for you," he (and by this point, I was certain that the voice was that of a male) admitted, then added, "But let's assume, for a moment, that you aren't crazy." The orb moved closer, and after a moment, began circling me slowly. After a moment, I realized that it was looking me over. After a few seconds, he asked, "What in the world are you?" "I'm a changeling," I answered promptly, then asked a little angrily, "And just what, and who, are you?" My isolation and impending doom had made me a little... testy, I admit. You want to take this next bit, sweetie? I honestly can't say it with a straight face. --------------------------------------- Okay, I'll be happy to. I admit, I was acting a little bit silly for the next few minutes. This 'game' was supposed to have a pretty advanced AI, and it is a little habit of mine that, whenever I encounter a new AI, I test it to see just how good it is. In most games, that just means seeing how it reacts to unusual and unexpected actions. With dialogue based AI's, I would occasionally throw unusually worded sentences that, while not inaccurate, were hard to follow. Oh, the things that I have said to chatbots... and made chatbots say. I decided that I would put 'her' through the wringer, just to see which way she would jump. Ah, before I go any further, I should describe, for those of you that have yet to see one, what a changeling looks and sounds like. In particular, this one. Okay, imagine a pony. Now imagine that, mixed with a beetle. Now give it the fangs of a saber tooth tiger. Okay, now, here's the most important bit for our friend here: Imagine, coming from her mouth, instead of whatever sort of clicking, buzzing, or hissing (Yes, or neighing) you were expecting, give her the sexiest voice you can imagine. I mean, her voice was like Michelle Pfeiffer's in Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas sexy. Yes, you've heard her, but you're hearing her voice coming from that mouth. You can expect that voice from her now. I, on the other hand, was hearing that voice coming from something that looked like H. R. Giger had been asked to draw a pony. Paradoxically, it made her voice sound even sexier. Weird, I know. Ah, but I love embarrassing you: You're so cute when you blush. Yes, alright sweetheart, I'll continue, sorry. Moving on! "I am a human," I announced, a smile beginning to form on my face. At the time, I was impressed: I had to admit, the graphics were quite good on this game: I could see the look of confusion form on her face. I had yet to realize that I was looking into another world, of course. After a moment, she asked, "What is a human?" "A species of advanced super-monkeys who have attained dominance of our planet through the mastery of lightning, metal, fire, and explosions," I stated, somewhat flippantly, I admit. Yes, yes, simmer down, everyone. If you won't stop laughing, I can't continue. All done? Good. Thank you. After a moment, I asked, "What's a changeling?" Her expression still confused, she said, "A love eating bug monster." Moving closer to examine... me, I guess, or rather, the orb that was my link to her, she asked, "Are you sure you're a monkey? I've seen monkeys, and none of them were so... spherical. Or metallic. Or could speak." She picked 'me' up and began examining 'me' with intense scrutiny, now obviously very curious. Chuckling, I said, "This is not my actual body. This is just an avatar that allows me to communicate with you. I am actually a very long ways away." After a moment, she began shaking 'me'. After a moment, apparently disappointed that nothing rattled inside, she asked, "Okay, and your name would be?" I sighed, then said, "Hiro Ecks." If there was one thing I hated, it was introducing myself to others. I mean, seriously, my parents thought that they were doing me a favor, giving me the name I have. I admit, it was my father's last name, and my maternal grandfather's first name, but really, having that kind of name is guaranteed to give you problems. For starters, no one is ever going to believe that 'Hero X' is your real name. It sounds too much like a comic book superhero, or a japanese manga henshin hero's codename. No one takes a guy with that kind of name seriously. "If you didn't want to tell me your real name," she said, crossly, "you could have just said so. You didn't have to give me one that was obviously a fake." Annoyed, I said, "That is my real name" After a moment, she asked, "Really?" "Really," I said, crossing my arms over my chest, knowing full well what was going to happen next. I was not disappointed: She immediately burst out laughing. And by laughing, I mean she was letting out great, booming guffaws of laughter, right in my 'face'. I admit, given her voice, it was pleasant to listen to, but pleasant or not, getting that reaction my entire life had become something of a sore spot with me. After she'd laughed for a good five minutes (Yes, sweetie, it was five minutes. I counted), I asked, my tone more than a little cross, "And what's your name?" Her laughter stopped so suddenly I had thought that she might have swallowed a bug or something. After a moment, she said, "I... don't have a name. My birth designation is 8163264128." I immediately recognized that numerical sequence: It was the number of bits for each generation of console games, from first to sixth. A cute little joke, I thought, but then noticed that the changeling on my screen's cheeks had turned bright blue. Given that, and her overall expression, it was clear to me that she was embarrassed. Bizarrely enough, I felt embarrassed that I had embarrassed her. I immediately asked the first thing that came to my mind. "Would you like a name?" Giving me a suspicious expression, she said, "I would, but I don't know if I'd like a name that you picked." That was surprising, but it might have been a way for the system to prevent people from giving her an offensive name. After a moment, I asked, "Well, how about I just give you a few ideas for a name, and you pick one?" "Alright," she said with a nod. I was immediately tempted to say something like 'Fagballs' or "Garuth Gobulcoque" (So glad at least a few of you got that reference), but immediately quashed it. Like I said, it sounded like there was an obscenity filter in this game. I tried something simple, something that I thought she might approve of. "Midna." "No. I don't like that one," she said, flatly. "Try another." Oookay. In a similar vein, I asked, "Zelda?" "That one's even worse." "Tifa." "Do I look like a Tifa to you?" "Fair enough. Samus?" "You do realize I'm a girl, right?" "That is a girl's name." "No, it's not." "Yes it... nevermind. Bayonetta?" "That's not even a name." I couldn't argue with that. In fact, I was kind of impressed that she recognized that wasn't a standard name. I sighed, then asked, "Jade?" She actually gave that one some thought, then said, "Nah. I don't really feel like a Jade. I liked that one better than the others, though. Any other ideas?" I thought for a moment about that. This... AI was impressive, I admit. It seemed that this game offered me an incredibly intelligent companion to work with. That reminded me of something... Like I said, a recent game caused my to change my mind about 'Escort Missions'. Most of the time, when you had an escort, your companion was often a Load who kept you down, who held you back at worst, or just kind of sat on the periphery contributing nothing at best. However, in the game 'Bioshock Infinite', your companion proved herself to be incredibly helpful, and never got in your way. In fact, she would often assist you in battle, throwing you much needed items when they were needed most. Thinking back on it, I suppose that she was the first video game girl that I actually sort of had a crush on. Hey, no, I am not blushing. I... you really think that I'm cute when I blush? I... um... Okay, moving on! "Elizabeth?" "I like that," she admitted, then said, "It's a little formal, though..." "I could just call you 'Liz' for short," I said, quickly. "Liz. Elizabeth. I... I like that. Elizabeth. My name is Elizabeth." A smile spread over her face as she said that. She sounded... so incredibly happy, saying that. I couldn't help but smile myself as I said, "Nice to meet you, Elizabeth." My tone a little more serious, I said, "Now, let's talk business."