Saints and Sparkles

by Etriax


Really, Kinzie?

Kinzie Kensington took another long drink of water as she sat in her absurdly large beanbag chair, watching as her black-clad Boss exacted telekinetic revenge on an Emu that had hit her. At the very least, all the mayhem she was causing within the Simulation was giving her a window into the Zin's systems. With nothing better to do, she had since started sifting through other miscellaneous data. The series of text adventures about everyone's favorite cultured alien overlord had already ceased to amuse, after all.

She could hear arguing from above as the Boss and Johnny Gat emerged from the Simulation, idly listening to their banter.

"Damn, Boss, you drive like shit."

"I don't see you doing any better."

"Course you don't. You always drive."

"Hey, it's not my fault that that... fuck, do we have a name for those?"
"No."

"... Ball tanks? Fuck it. It's not my fault it landed ON THE CAR."

Kinzie stopped listening and focused on her work as their voices faded away, being able to hear Matt speaking on the other side of the ship. Her window was closing. She needed to hack quickly if she wanted to utilize it. Seeing little else to do with her time, she easily broke into the Zin's abduction databases.

---

The Boss opened her eyes to gaze upon the darkened, propaganda laden streets of virtual Sunset Park, peering out over the red grid "water" between the generic Saints surrounding the Gateway. After looking at her HUB for a moment, she crouched down, clenched her fist, and leapt high into the air, her black strategem coat fluttering behind her as she glided north. Just before landing atop a Compensator truck, the familiar, quiet three tone sound of a new objective played in her ear, followed by her Press Secretary's voice.

"I've found someone else we should free."

The President of the United States stood in the truck's trunk and surfed on it as she furrowed her brow. She had already rescued everyone she could (pronounced "any Saints she cared about") "Uh, Kinzie, we've alrea-"

"I need you to go play in traffic."

The Boss sighed. "I just did."

"Well, do it again. I need to get back into the Zin's systems to find more about her."

"Kinzie, why?"

"Because the Zin really didn't want me to find her."

The Boss grinned a little as she dismounted the Compensator and subsequently unloaded on it with her SMGs. "Which is good for us?"

Kinzie gave a non committal grunt.

"Fine. I'll go play in traffic." And off she sped, already dreading it.

---

Limping away from that excursion, two heartfelt birds were flipped at a passing semi before she fell onto her back on the pavement to be miserable for a few fleeting seconds. That tone sounded in her ear once more, and with grit teeth, the President tried to get the first word in.

"KIinnezeidey- ... "KAInNoZtIhEe-"

A long pause followed as the women awkwardly waited for the other to speak. A long enough pause to allow the leader of the Saints to get back on her feet, check her HUB's "cache" income, and to steal from a few pedestrians before Kinzie finally chimed in.

"Awkward. I found another rift for you to explore. Go."

"Kinzie, who are we doing this for?"

A brief pause. "I'll tell you in a bit."

As a marker came up in her vision, the Boss began dashing towards the new rift, but continued speaking. "Kinzie, why?"

"Because what I have looks like a wild goose chase."

"So this could just be a waste of time."

"Uh-huh." came Kinzie's absent reply.

"Figures."

---

"Stop it! STOP IT!" Twilight Sparkle screamed as she dashed through the streets of Ponyville, her eyes wide and her mane ragged as her hooves pounded dirt. Behind her, a veritable army of ponies, pursuing the unicorn closely and slowly gaining ground on her. "I didn't do anything!"

The horde did not respond. Nothing new. She attempted to teleport away, but it came as no surprise to her that the effort was wasted. As was the concentration, as she barely had time to dodge an incoming, divebombing pegasus swooping in from the front. A familiar divebombing pegasus.

Rainbow Dash wore a sickeningly devious grin as she began to chase the bookworm, her hooves outstretched and her rainbow mane blowing behind her in the wind. "You're goin' down, egghead!!" she yelled, getting low to the ground to try to sweep Twilight's legs out from underneath her.

Twilight jumped to try to dodge the attack, but one of Rainbow's wings caught her front left leg, making her spin and fall with a loud grunt from the victim. And as she scrambled to get back up, her front right leg was suddenly bound by an expertly thrown lasso and very harshly tightened and tugged upon.

"Applejack, s-stop! I'm your friend! Please!!" the librarian pleaded, weakly casting her gaze upwards at the rapidly approaching mare as she also tried to get back up. She swiftly averted her eyes, however... the wrathful expression upon the farmer's face was painful enough to see without the aching muscles and severe ropeburn.

Twilight lunged out of the way just in time for AJ's own lunge to meet her purple streaked tail, trying to sprint away again before the lasso tripped her again. The pounding of hooves quickly closed in on her and Twilight sighed defeatedly, shutting her eyes and resigning to this fate. The last thing she felt was intense, intense heat.

---

"Kinzie, what now?" the Boss quipped as she stepped into a Friendly Fire, browsing the inventory and debating what to spend her hard earned cashe on.

"We're doing this for a unicorn."

"A... unicorn."

"Her name is Twilight Sparkle," Kinzie began. "Apparently Zinyak abducted her from her home planet because she's an obstacle for his next invasion."

"Like with Gat."

"Yes. That's all I've got, though. Why don't you go blow some shit up?"

The Boss chuckled briefly. "See, Kinzie, if you talk more like that-"

"No," Kinzie flatly interrupted.

---

Twilight Sparkle, despite being out of breath, was doing her best to hold it as she hid in a cupboard within Sugarcube Corner, listening to the angry cries, death threats, and commands coming from outside. Truthfully, she was amazed that she managed to find a place to hide at all. A dark, hastily cleared kitchenware cupboard wasn't at all ideal, but it gave the exhausted unicorn some degree of respite from the senseless, inexplicable violence.

She kept a sharp ear out for movement as she allowed herself to pant every now and then, her tear-stained face buried in her front legs. "... Why is this happening..." she uttered in a nearly inaudible tone, shutting her eyes for the first time in a long while. "Why is this happening... why me...? What did I do to deserve this..."

"Did you look in Sugarcube Corner?"

It was faint, but she definitely heard it, making her tense right back up as she heard hooves approaching the sweet shop. She held her breath and listened as ponies began ransacking the bakery, struggling to keep herself quiet. Twilight wanted to cry and scream and beg for this nightmare to end, but the rational part of her told he-

The cupboard was flung open forcefully and without warning, making the unicorn cry out in terror. Pinkie Pie, mane deflated and eyes full of murder, clutched a dirty knife in her teeth. "Thehe hou ahe..." the terrifying party pony uttered with her mouth full, immediately rearing her head back to plunge the crumb covered blade into Twilight's side.

---

The Boss grinned at the utter sea of vehicular skeletons she had so deftly created, putting away her RPG and sprinting off into a long tunnel while waiting for Kinzie to start talking. For a moment, as she plowed through any other cars unfortunate to be in her way, she had to wonder just who this "unicorn" really was. Somehow she had to wonder if this was all some sort of trick being played by her bored Press Secretary. And speaking of whom...

"I found her. Her name is Twilight Sparkle, and s-"

"The more you tell me, the more this sounds like a really shitty joke," the President interrupted, seeming very much wary.

"I know. Head to the Broken Shillelegh. CID's waiting for you."

The leader of the Saints could only sigh as she changed course to head towards the oft visited sports bar.

---

"I am surprised you are not objecting more strongly," CID commented as the black clad woman stood near the now glowing doorway, getting her to turn around.

"What, you think this is bullshit, too?" she quipped with a raised eyebrow.

"I do not. Twilight Sparkle has been a captive of the Zin for 1 year, 3 months, 12 days, 43 minutes, and 18 seconds. If freed, she will likely prove a useful ally," CID replied earning a deep sigh from the one who helped free him.

"And how the fuck is a unicorn going to be a "useful ally"?" the President of the United States retorted, adjusting her Matrix style shades that hid her striking red eyes while in the Simulation. "How the fuck can a thing with hooves help us?!"

"You will see," came CID's monotone as the Boss shook her head, muttering violences and musings as her form disappeared into the bright white light of the Broken Shillelegh's front entrance.