I’ve come to realize that lying, especially lying to yourself, is very easy. It’s a subconscious means of defense from painful emotions. We tell ourselves things, and they somehow become true in our eyes. That is, until the cold hard truth breaks down the shield of lies we put up around ourselves. The negative feelings hit like a tsunami, and we are at our most vulnerable when that happens. We no longer know what to think or feel, and that confusion drags us down even further.
Lying to others, especially when protecting you or your friends, is just as easy. I should know. Somepony close to me lied once to protect me. But that’s a story for another time. The reason I bring this up is that for the next few months of my life, I’d be living in a lie, ignorant to the truth that was lurking in the shadows of my mind, and whispering in my ear to let it in. I wouldn’t have any of that, however, and floated in my ignorance for quite some time.
And what lie is it that I told myself, you may be wondering? Allow me to explain…
<^><^><^><^>
Starless was waiting behind the schoolhouse, like always. I stretched slightly as I approached, a little groggy from a poor night’s sleep. She smiled up at me from her sitting position. She didn’t smile often, but it was good to see it. It meant I was making progress. “Hey, Star.” I said, using the shortened version of her name that I had come to like. She nodded and stood up.
“Hi.” A few seconds passed before I made my way next to her.
“So, how are things? Is everything going alright?” I asked, glancing over and carefully analyzing her expression. She looked genuinely pleased to see me, but there was an underlying nervousness to her that I picked up on.
“Yeah, things are going great. Well, that might be an exaggeration. Things are… well, they’re better.” She settled on, nodding to herself.
“That’s awesome, Star. What exactly got better, though, if you don’t mind me asking?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“Well, my parents stopped harping on me about my grades, thank Celestia. And I got free reign to spend the day in town, instead of going straight home, like normal.” Star explained, the nervousness bleeding into her voice just a little bit.
“Sounds like fun.” I said simply, looking up. There was only a week left in school. I took a moment to really think about that. Who knows? Swallow might be able to make it over. That would be nice, if it happened. I still maintained a healthy dose of skepticism, by Swallow’s request.
“It does, I was actually hoping to drag you along with me.” Star said, looking over at me as I turned a curious glance in her direction.
“Oh? Why?” I asked, knowing that she didn’t need anypony to show her around in the first place.
“Oh, you know. I would like some company.” Star said, the nervousness creeping up on her again. I raised an eyebrow.
“You’ve generally been more of a loner, and only talk to me before school. Why the change of heart?”
“I dunno.” Star said, looking away. “I guess I just kind of want to know you a bit better, since we’re always talking about me and my problems.”
“I guess that makes sense.” I muttered, tilting my head slightly. I sensed some other motive, but I wouldn’t question it right now. “What would you even be doing around town?”
“I dunno.” Star repeated, shrugging her shoulders. “Whatever comes to mind?”
“Well, thinking ahead never hurts.” I said, wondering why she was so vague. I mean, sure. She was generally vague, but she also generally had some kind of plan lined up.
“Be that as it may, I feel like taking it easy today.” Star said, stretching her wings a bit. She had a bright look on her face, much brighter than I was honestly used to seeing. But there was still that underlying nervousness. Okay, screw it.
“You sound a bit uneasy about this.” I said casually, glancing over at her.
“Oh, well… I was kinda teased about my decision to take you with me by some of my friends.” She said, voice lowering in volume slightly.
“What, did they think we’re going on a date, or something?” I asked, finding the idea amusing.
“Kinda…” Star replied, sitting back down. She looked away from me, and I noticed how she was tilting her head down. Yeah, her friends definitely thought it was a date. Judging by how she was hiding her face from me, I could only assume she partially believed them.
“Well, don’t worry about them. Just try to have fun. So, where do you want to meet up at?” I inquired, smiling pleasantly.
“Um… I hadn’t really thought of that. In front of the school after class is out, I guess?”
“That works for me.”
<^><^><^><^>
The market was pretty busy that day, for some reason. Class had gotten out a little under an hour ago, and Star and I were meandering aimlessly through the Ponyville market with no idea what to do. truth be told, I was very bored, but Star definitely seemed to be in a good mood. I didn’t feel like spoiling that, so I kept pace and kept her company. She kept glancing over at me, looking away when I returned the glance. As we wandered, we heard a high-pitched calling from not far away. I recognised that voice. Anypony who had lived in Ponyville for more than a minute had heard it at least once.
“Free ice-cream samples! Come and get it!” Pinkie pie called at her counter, waving her forelegs frantically.
“That sounds yummy.” Star remarked, trotting in the direction of the stand. I inwardly groaned. Last time I talked to Pinkie pie, I got my head stuck in a balloon. Don’t ask. Trust me, it wasn’t fun.
“Be careful around this one. She’s… kinda crazy.” I said, following after Star at a somewhat slower pace.
“I’ve met her, but she’s a fantastic baker.” Star replied, smiling.
“So? She got my head stuck in a balloon for crying out loud.” I grumbled, rolling my eyes.
“That… sounds hilarious.” Star said, a slight hint of mirth in her tone.
“Oh, be quiet.” I said, giving her an irked look.
“Hi Nettle! Hi Starless!” Pinkie said rather loudly as we came up to her stand. “What can I get ya?” Star looked over the list of flavors while I stood there. Pinkie beamed at me in such a way that my skin crawled.
“I think I’ll have the ‘Double vanilla, triple strawberry super blast party swirl’” Star said, sounding a little confused by the title. I shrugged absently.
“I’m fine, thanks.” I said as Pinkie looked at me.
“It’s okay! There will always be more here if you want it!” She replied, waving her forelegs again to draw attention to her stand. A moment later, Star had her ice-cream cone and scoop held in her right wing. She smiled, gave thanks, and we started in another direction. We walked on in silence for several minutes, with Star happily lapping away at her ice cream. I was in a good mood, despite my boredom. Sadly, my good mood had to be spoiled.
Star and I exited the market, and came to a park. My heart sank almost instantly, and my ears lowered. I knew this park all to well. I came to a stop and tried to focus my attention away from where my mind was wandering. I closed my eyes, and sighed. “Nettle?” I glanced up and saw Star looking at me with a worried expression.
“Oh, sorry… Just remembering something unpleasant.” I said, waving my hoof nonchalantly. Star tilted her head.
“Like?”
“I’d rather not spoil your good mood.” I declined, looking around. the trees, the grass… It all looked just the way it had for so long. Except for the memories attached. The time I was here with Swallow and the night I ran away with my imagination. If only I hadn’t done that, I might not have driven Swallow off…
“Nettle, snap out of it!” My attention snapped back to Star, who was staring at me intently.
“I… Ugh, I’m sorry. Can we get away from here?” I asked as politely as I could. Star nodded slowly and we walked away from the park. I glanced over my shoulder. There was a young couple sitting on the bench that Swallow and I sat on once…
<^><^><^><^>
“What was that all about back there, by the way?” Star asked towards the end of our time out in town. We were making our way to the plaza so we could head to our homes.
“What was what?” I asked, having momentarily forgotten the moment at the park.
“At the park. You suddenly got really sad looking. It kinda spooked me.” Star reminded, tossing the remnants of her now thoroughly eaten ice-cream cone into a nearby trash bin.
“Oh… that…” I sighed, and looked down. “Remember how I said I’m also sitting through a broken heart?”
“Yeah?”
“That park holds memories attached to the issue.”
“Oh…” Star looked down slightly and nodded slowly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Sorry, but no, I don’t.” I replied, shaking my head sadly. Star remained quiet for a minute as we trotted along in silence through the streets. The town square finally came into view a little bit later. Soon enough we were standing in the middle of the plaza. I stared down my street for a moment before I felt Star touching my shoulder.
“I’ll see you later, okay?” She said before drawing me into a hug which I couldn’t help but return. I nodded silently before drawing back to let her head home. She smiled at me before turning and walking away, waving over her shoulder at me as she went. It was getting a little late but I still had plenty of time to kill before my family would get antsy. Glancing around for something to do, I spotted Pinkie Pie still running her stand. It wasn’t as busy as it was earlier.
With a reluctant grunt I started forward towards the stand. Pinkie glanced up as I approached and her demeanor shifted from excited to something I couldn’t identify beyond being overly enthusiastic. “Oh, you’re back! Goody! What can I get you to turn your frown upside down?”
“Let me look.” I said simply before leaning down to examine the list of flavors. All the while, Pinkie was blabbering on about some nonsense or other. Finally I asked for a scoop of the chocolate flavor. Pinkie giggled for a moment.
“What a coincidence! That’s the last of it you just ordered. Here ya go!” She chirped as she hoofed it over. I nodded my thanks and turned to leave. I just started meandering aimlessly, enjoying my ice cream and the exercise. I started muttering random things to myself as I went. Sadly it seemed that fate was feeling like being an ass that day, as I wound up at the park again.
I sighed and started walking through it. As I went, a few memories flashed around in my mind and I couldn’t help but wince. A noise caught my ear but I paid it no attention as I finished off my cone and sat down on a bench. The sound was persisting and was now actively identifiable as a sort of ‘boing’ sound.
I glanced at it as it drew closer just in time for a pair of giant blue eyes to stare into my soul at point-blank range. The pink pony was staring at me with an intent look that made me worried. “If you are trying to sell me balloons, know that I am not interested.” I said warily, looking around for a means of escape.
“I’m not trying to sell you balloons. I’m here to see you smile.” Pinkie replied before settling down next to me on the bench.
“Why? We barely know each other beyond our names and common knowledge.” I said with a snort.
“I love to see ponies smile. It makes me happy to make them beam, and I hate to see a pony who is so clearly in pain.” Pinkie replied, much more somber than I was used to. I still kept my wits about me, however. “I know what will help- A SONG!” She suddenly took a deep breath and my heart leaped into my throat. Likely trying to fly out through my mouth to escape this.
“NO!” I shouted, covering her mouth with my hoof. I held it there for several moments before retracting it slowly. She blinked at me.
“But-” My hoof resumed its position on her mouth.
“Absolutely not! No singing! Besides, as flattered as I am that you want to help, I don’t think there’s anything you can do.” I finally removed my hoof from her mouth as I said this.
“Oh, don’t be silly. I can at least try!” Pinkie said, leaning back. I couldn’t help but notice the glasses she was suddenly wearing along with the notebook and quill in her hooves. What the… no, forget it. It’s Pinkie, I don’t want to know.
“Well then help, by all means.” I grumbled, looking away from her and into the distance.
“Well, first off, what’s bothering you so much?” Pinkie asked in what could almost be called a serious voice. I inwardly laughed at that idea.
“It’s… complicated. I made a couple mistakes that resulted in my heart getting broken by somepony I love.” I said simply, lowering my gaze and sighing heavily.
“Who was it?”
“...Twinkling Swallow. You met her, I’m sure.”
“Oh yeah! Her! She was nice!” Pinkie piped up with a sudden chirpiness that somehow made me feel worse.
“...Yeah… she was….”
“Hey, don’t get all frowny faced on me! We’re trying to make you smile, here!” Pinkie declared, leaning over to nudge me in the ribs. Somehow I doubted this little excursion here would have her desired effect.
“Leave me alone.” I said simply before jumping off of the bench and walking for home. Pinkie started bouncing after me a few moments later.
“Nettle, wait up!”
“Go away. You’re not helping!” I snapped, turning to face her. Her mouth immediately slammed shut and she looked at me with hurt eyes. I continued with, “I know you want to help and I appreciate it, but as it is I don’t need help from an overly enthusiastic pink party pony who stuffed my head in a balloon one time for fun! I just…. ugh, I need time and space, especially the space! Just give me that and I’ll be fine.”
“How about some hazelnut chocolate to help?” Pinkie suddenly asked, and I paused.
“Seriously?” I asked, turning an irked glare at her.
“Yup!”
“How about no.” I grumbled before continuing my walk.
“What about the super blast party swirl that Starless had?”
“No.”
“Some peanut butter and chocolate ice cream?”
“Tempting, but no.”
“Ooh! Now we’re getting somewhere!”
“No, no we’re not.” I deadpanned, praying to Celestia that this pony would just go away.
“What about this?” Pinkie asked in a sort of sing-song voice. I turned around to see what appeared to be bowl filled with a large chocolate mass with what I could tell were large pieces of fudge brownies and crushed up peppermint mixed in. My eye twitched in surprise.
“Uh… what the flying hay is that?”
“The super fudge lava peppermint crush!” Pinkie declared with a lot of enthusiasm.
“That sounds deadly.” I replied before sighing.
“Deliciously deadly!”
“Oh for the love of... look, Pinkie, you obviously missed the part where I said I need time. That’s it. I don’t need sweets or candy, I don’t need pep talks. I just need some time to myself to think. Can you please respect that?”
“But you’re not smiling yet!” Pinkie said, deflating somewhat. “and it says here that I need to make you smile.” She commented as she pulled from her mane a large stack of papers with my cutie mark on the front cover.
“Pinkie… what is that?” I asked in complete confusion.
“Oh, nothing important.” She said before I think I heard her whisper “Just the script.” After a few seconds she put it back. “Oh… wrong scene never mind.”
“Okay, that’s it. I’ve had enough craziness for one day. Thank you and good night Pinkie.” I said as I headed off to Celestia knows where.
<^><^><^><^>
The following day at school during the midday break I was sitting under a tree outside the school house. It was a sunny day thankfully. I sat by myself, just thinking a few things over. Swallows next letter hadn’t arrived yet. I nibbled away quietly at my lunch and kept an eye out for familiar faces. Very few of my friends were here today. Star was basically the only one and she was staying inside the house to work on an assignment.
“Hello?” I heard a familiar voice ask. Glancing over my shoulder I beheld Mint, the blue pony from before walking up to me.
“Uh… hi. Do you need something?” I asked, looking at him cautiously.
“Maybe. I heard about your trip with Starless yesterday. She won’t stop talking about you, actually.” Mint said a little hesitantly, kicking a stay stone with his hoof,
“Before you ask, no, it was not a date.” I said simply before returning to my sandwhich.
“Maybe not, but…”
“But what?”
“Look, Star is obsessed with you. She keeps talking about you with enthusiasm the likes of which I have never seen before. You did something to her, whether you know it or not. I know you have been trying to help her and honestly, I think you could help her more if you took things a step further.” Mint explained slowly before looking me carefully in the eye. My eyes widened before narrowing.
“Sorry, but that’s not happening.” I said simply, noting how his ears fell.
“Nettle, I know you’re having issues of your own, but Starless Night needs you.”
“Look, forget it, alright? My heart belongs to somepony else.”
“Yeah, I heard about that.” Mint said sadly, looking down. “But there are more ponies out there. I honestly believe Star might be one of them.”
“I’ve given my answer.” I said, looking away. Mint sighed before turning and walking away.
“Just don’t abandon her like so many others have, alright?”
“I won’t.” I said, but somewhere in the back of my mind I couldn’t help but think ‘I hope.’