//------------------------------// // Chapter 2 // Story: The Cosby Show: Pudding is Magic // by neutralmilk //------------------------------// The Cosby Show: Pudding is Magic Chapter 2 “My daughter has a train set just like this one, with the tracks and the toys and the trains. And one day, while playing with the trains, I poked my finger on the rail and got shocked! And I looked like this.” Bill Cosby paused and awkwardly scrunched up his face. “Zoopady Doopady Wooh-Wooh!” He looked around the Friendship Express, waiting for uproarious laughter from his equestrian “audience.” Regardless of the cold reception, a smile pervaded his face. “Tell me again, why are we taking Bill Cosby to Princess Celestia?” Rainbow Dash turned to Twilight Sparkle. “Couldn’t he have taken the train, you know, by himself?” "I agree with Rainbow. While he may not be such a bad person, his 'jokes,' if we can even call them that, are absolutely horrendous!" Rarity agreed, nodding her head. In the background, Bill Cosby decided to continue his impressive impersonation of the train’s sounds, much to the ponies’ dismay. “A-Chugga, chugga, chugga.” He shifted around in his seat to tug on an invisible rope. “Choo Choooooooo!” It wasn’t long before the remaining ponies got up and left to another car, leaving Twilight and her friends alone with Bill Cosby. Twilight groaned. “If we don’t, then there’s a good chance the royal guards will kill him on the spot,” Twilight declared definitively. “Might not be such a bad thing.” Applejack mumbled, putting her hooves over her ears. Of the ponies, she was the most unlucky, sitting directly next to him. A drop of spit flew from Bill Cosby’s mouth as he rambled on about his third cousin’s train set and landed on Applejack’s nose. She flailed her hooves in disgust and quickly wiped her face off. “Are you loco in the coco!?” Pinkie Pie yelled with a smile on her face. “This guy is amazing! I love Bill Cosby!” She wrapped her hooves around him and squeezed. Suddenly Bill Cosby’s face grew stern as he stood up, the pink pony dropping back to her seat. He stopped blathering and examined his surroundings stoically. “I’m Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, OBGYN.” The ponies exchanged confused looks and turned their attention to him. They awkwardly awaited him to continue, but noticed that he was more interested in glancing out the window at the passing scenery. The ponies pushed Twilight forward, edging her to speak up. “Uh, Mr. Cosby, are you all right?” Twilight asked cautiously. He turned his attention toward the ponies again, except this time without a stupid grin or deformed facial expression. “Who’s this ‘Cosby’ fellow?” he asked, air quoting his own name. “If he looks anything like me, he must be a handsome guy, at least.” He lit up with a smile and looked around the train car again, waiting for feedback. “Oh Celestia!” Pinkie Pie fell onto her back, laughing to the point of tears. “You’re gon- gonna,” she was interrupted again by her fit of laughter. She gasped for air desperately. “He’s gonna kill me! A-ha ha ha!” Twilight face-hoofed and plopped down onto her seat angrily. The other ponies shrugged and did the same as Pinkie Pie laughed heartily from the floor, rolling around. Bill Cosby remained standing with the same grin for the rest of the trip. Their walk from the Friendship Express to Canterlot Castle went surprisingly smoothly, disregarding Bill Cosby’s antics. At one point, he broke away from the group and went into a restaurant, seating himself with several members of Canterlot high society. The ponies had looked for him everywhere, finding him only after he had screamed the name “Fat Albert” and said: “Hey hey hey!” repeatedly. Their wait to meet with Princess Celestia had been surprisingly short. The six ponies lounged in the gardens, enjoying the sunlight. Bill Cosby, on the other hand, was busy making jokes, interrupting Twilight and her friends on various occasions from their idle chit-chat. “Hello everypony, I’m sorry if I kept you all waiting.” Princess Celestia cantered elegantly toward the group from the castle. The group of ponies bowed their heads; Bill Cosby grinned at her. Noticing Bill Cosby’s lack of movement, Celestia quickly turned to face him. “You must be Bill Cosby! Greetings! I am Princess Celestia.” The Princess bowed her head to him, respectfully, and awaited his introduction. After an awkward moment of silence, she glared up at him. “Very well. Twilight?” In an instant the purple unicorn darted in front of her mentor. “Yes, Princess?” “Why don’t you and your friends go out and enjoy yourselves. Mr…” Princess Celestia turned her head and frowned at the grinning human. “Cosby and I have some business to attend to.” “As you wish, Princess.” She and her friends bowed and turned toward the city, leaving Bill Cosby and Princess Celestia behind. She waited until they out of earshot and directed Bill Cosby inside the castle to her throne room. “Is that the pantry?” asked Bill Cosby excitedly as the pair walked by a large set of swinging doors. He stopped in his tracks and started toward the doors. “No that’s the… Wait!” Princess Celestia leapt at him, grabbing him by the shoulder and stopping him. “That’s the Royal Spa.” She gently pushed him in the direction of the throne room and sighed. “Where do you keep the Jell-O pudding?” he asked, looking honestly confused. The Princess gave him a look and noticing his serious expression sighed again. “Mr. Cosby, don’t you think we have more… important matters to discuss?” “What’s more important than Jell-O pudding, ashupidy boopidy bim kaw!” “Peace between our two worlds?” she offered. Bill Cosby put a hand to his chin and thought about it. “Peace? Howbout we split a ‘peace’ of cake!?” He stuck out his arms as if waiting for more imaginary laughter and grinned. Princess Celestia looked at Bill Cosby (who had begun to dance slightly) and breathed out heavily. She waited calmly for him to conclude the strange shuffling and arm waving that constituted as his “dance” and put on a fake smile. “Please, Mr. Cosby. Come this way.” She turned to face the hallway once more and started walking. Bill Cosby stood in his spot and stared at her. “Are we getting some puddin’ now, mhm?” Princess Celestia gritted her teeth and led him to the room, ignoring the rest of his discussion of pudding. They finally reached her sanctuary and she took off into the air, flying directly to her throne. “Tell me, Mr. Cosby,” she asked, positioning herself comfortably in her throne. “Do you happen to know how you came to Equestria?” Bill Cosby was standing on an elegant red carpet, at a distance. His eyes scanned the stained glass windows depicting famous moments of Equestria’s past, the usual goofy smile across his lips. “Mr. Cosby.” She tapped her hoof loudly on the arm of her throne, attempting to get his attention. It succeeded, his head shooting forward to face the Princess. “Mr. Cosby, I’m asking you if you know how you got here.” The Princess paused again and awaited his answer. Cosby merely smiled back at her. She frowned at his silence and began again. “Ok, Mr. Cosby, I know it may be hard for you to remember. But you have to try.” “`Ah was walkin my dog Skittles when I found this sweater.” Bill Cosby stated, pointing down to the cacophony of colours and patterns across his chest. “Beautiful, don’t ya think?” “Wait, what? How does that have anything to do with teleporting to Equestria?” “It’s argyle.” Bill Cosby replied, proudly. “`Ah had a cousin named Archie that liked argyle sweaters…” “Mr. Cosby!” Princess Celestia shouted at him. Bill Cosby looked around the room, a confused look on his face. His eyes met the Princess’. “Ooh look a pony! With the wings, and the horn and the clop, clop, clop!” He pawed his hands at the ground as if a horse. “Please, Mr. Cosby!” Princess Celestia blushed, realizing that Bill Cosby had no clue what he had made a reference to. “I’m an alicorn, by the way. Not a regular pony, you see?” Her horn began to glow brightly and she unfurled her wings to their full length. “Now when do we get to eating the pudding?” Bill Cosby asked, ignoring the impressive display. The look of pride on Celestia’s face vanished as she slowly tucked her wings back in. Her eyes narrowed and she sighed heavily. “Back to business, don’t you think?” She didn’t wait for him to respond. “Good. Now Mr. Cosby, could you please at least tell me why it is that you’ve come here? Not to Canterlot, but to Equestria in general.” Bill Cosby stared at her happily, completely silent. A frown grew on Princess Celestia’s face as she waited patiently for him to answer. “Do you have any motives at all?” Still no answer. Bill Cosby smiled; his eyes remained unblinking. “Have you come to make a treaty? Are you here for peace?” Her heart began to speed up at the possibility that he had come as a scout of a great unknown enemy. His silence only confirmed her fears. “For war. I see.” The frown on her face deepened while Bill Cosby continued his drawn-out silence. Her horn glowed and a bag of bananas appeared by her side. “I don’t think you understand the problems that would arise with such a war between our two races. We are heavily armed with magic. With a blink of an eye, I could send you to the moon. Now, I’m not underestimating your armies, I am quite sure that if you so choose, you could unleash devastation upon my land as well.” The Princess attempted to speak diplomatically, feeling the fate of two worlds on her shoulders. Her only true plan was to either talk him out of his possible conquest, or use bananas as a distraction, taking the bought time to shoot him to the moon and ultimately preventing him from starting a war. “I think we should attempt to discuss this as diplomatically as possible. I do not want the blood of anypony on my hooves.” Bill Cosby continued staring silently, as if he were a wax sculpture. His smile seemed to be fixed at Princess Celestia, sending shivers down her spine. She sighed again. “Very well. Before we talk, though, do you want any fruit? Huh?” She asked him. He didn’t respond. “Hm? Do you, do you want some fruit? Do you like bananas?” His silence seemed deafening. “Do you like, mmmmm-bananas?” “Do you have any, uh, Jell-O puddin’?” Bill Cosby asked, breaking his silence. Princess Celestia hardly expected him to speak now and stared at him, confused by his random answer. “Just what is this obsession over pudding? Tell me, are you a mmmm-beyitch, that likes, mmm-bananas?” she asked again, attempting to ignore his outburst. She wiggled the banana bag with her magic temptingly. Noticing that Bill Cosby’s eyes followed it, she teleported the bag to his side where it sat untouched. “You, uh, take tha’ puddin' an’ you put it on the spoon…” Bill Cosby scooped an invisible heap of pudding into his mouth. He smiled and rubbed his stomach, satisfied with his imaginary snack. Celestia watched in awe. “What the…” She shook it off, remembering the task at hand. “Answer the question, Mr. Cosby. Do you like, Mmmmm…” “Howbout tha’ pudding pops?” Bill Cosby cut of the Princess mid-sentence. She waited for him to continue, but found that his attention had once again turned to viewing the elegantly decorated throne room. “Okay…. So you’re a beeyitch that…” “Y’see, it’s like pudding, but with a stick in it. And then ya freeze it for a while and ya put it your mouth.” He made a crazily delighted face and looked at the Princess. “You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you.” She sighed, teleporting the banana bag back over to her throne. “What is it that you…” “When I was a kid, my parents wouldn’t let me eat the pudding. Zip zap dappidy moompaw!” He danced a little jig. “Will you please shut the hay up!” Princess Celestia cried. “I can’t take this anymore!” “And what’s be the problem, big pony, mhm?” Bill Cosby leaned forward intently, his eyes wide open and lips scrunched up. “Oh sweet…” Celestia began to think of another almighty being to swear to. “Me! I don’t care!” She began sobbing. “Just do whatever you want! Conquest, plunder, massacre, whatever! Just please, stop talking!” Bill Cosby felt something in his chest at the sight of the crying alicorn. His inner humanity began to shine through as he walked toward her and hugged her tightly. Princess Celestia’s tears began receding as she felt his warm, flabby body press against hers. She smiled lightly at the touch of his argyle sweater on her coat and the smell of what she guessed to be pudding. Twilight and her friends gathered outside in the Castle gardens, waiting for Princess Celestia and Bill Cosby to exit the castle. Their day in Canterlot had been fantastic, as usual. Rainbow Dash had gone to see the Wonderbolts perform, Applejack had learned a new recipe for apple dumplings, Rarity had purchased materials for a new dress and Pinkie Pie had found a pair of sunglasses rivaling Rainbow Dash’s in awesomeness. Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle spent their time together in the shopping district, window shopping and soaking in the city’s sights, sounds and smells. But now the sun was beginning to set and their day was ending. Twilight knew that the time had come for Princess Celestia to announce her plans for Bill Cosby and eagerly awaited her mentor’s arrival. In the meantime they all sat around a table, sipping tea, or in Applejack’s case, apple juice. Out of the corner of her eye, Twilight Sparkle noticed a shadow approach her and turned. “Good evening, everypony,” Princess Celestia said, cheerfully. A large smile covered her face. “I trust that you all had a great day in Canterlot?” “Yes, Princess, it was simply amazing!” Rarity replied. “It was nice, thank you…” Fluttershy peeped, backing away slightly. “I’m very glad to hear. I know you must be anxious to hear how my meeting with Bill Cosby turned out.” She began. Twilight Sparkle nodded and waited for her to continue. “After some… minor difficulties, we have come to an agreement.” At that, Bill Cosby walked out from behind Princess Celestia. “HEY HEY HEY!” His voice came out deeper than normal, no doubt like the “Fat Albert” incident from before. “Twilight Sparkle, since you are my most faithful student and are learning so much about friendship, I have decided that you should house him!” Twilight’s face fell. She could feel her heart sink at the thought of waking up and going to bed every single day to Bill Cosby’s voice. Ignoring Twilight’s expressions, the Princess continued. “And I want you to teach Bill about the magic of friendship!” she concluded happily. “But… but…” Twilight couldn’t find the words to express her detest at the idea. “Y’hear that?” Bill lumbered over to her and wrapped an arm around her neck. “We can make pudding! Or play Pokémon!” Twilight Sparkle’s eye twitched. She tilted her head back toward the heavens and screamed. Best. Day. Ever. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To those who don't know where the "Mmmm Bananas" thing is from, watch this video: Friendship is Magic Bitch