Chapter 9: You Ruined It
Several hundred years ago, in the kingdom of Canterlot, conical hats were all the rage. Nobles would try and outdo each other with how tall and opulent their hats could be. Of the many designs that populated the field, one dominated the rest with the utter controversy it generated. It was a hat made entirely of manticore fur.
Now fur was big issue at the time, in the growingly enlightened society of Equestria. The manticores weren't hunted, of course. That would be barbaric. Indeed, Snappy, the artisan responsible for the leading design, expressly stated that Moby was more than happy to donate his fur should he fall in valiant battle with the neighbouring nest of dragons that had recently trespassed on his territory. So with a bout of serendipity, and a vicious dragon-manticore battle, Snappy got his raw materials that cemented his new idea for a stunning new fashion collection.
The new conical hats lined with Moby's fur were exquisitely designed. Despite the morbid origins, the allure of purchasing these hats, even at a premium, was too much of an attraction to the upper class. They became a well-sought-after, limited-edition commodity that sparked a new rage in fashion from Canterlot all the way to Manehattan.
With the ensuing success, ponies living in the Age of Enlightenment started asking themselves some very deep questions. Was it right to wear these ridiculous conical hats lined with the fur of a dead manticore? What did it say about ponies? A small maelstrom of discussion issued forth from the growing tidal wave of controversy surrounding the manticore fur line.
The discussions quickly died down when the media caught wind of a pegasus foal being born with a rainbow mane as a result of excessive drinking from the rainbow liquid vats inside the Cloudsdale weather factory. I mean—rainbow manes, who could beat that kind of news?
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With a bright flash, Luna and David appeared at the archeological dig, having teleported in from Canterlot. The pair of intrepid explorers set out among that which had been lost to the ages and only recently recovered. Most of the site had been cleared by extensive digging and careful excavating, but one dominating feature in the centre drew the eye of both human and pony as they entered the field.
“That’s… part of the Statue of Liberty,” David spluttered in astonishment. “The heck? I was pretty sure we were in Australia.”
“Oh so that is what it was called,” Luna replied, touching a hoof to the statue’s surface. The hoof was hurriedly retracted when an angry voice echoed around the clearing.
“Get your dirty hooves off my—Princess Luna?!”
The Princess inclined her head at the dirt-coloured mare that had appeared. David peered closer and found that there were also patches of white. He realised that the mare had just been digging and excavating so long that she had covered her coat in a fine layer of dirt and dust. He suppressed the urge to giggle.
“Greetings, fine citizen. I have come with a guest to showcase some of our archaeological findings. I assume you are the lead researcher?”
The mare shot her green eyes back and forth between the two of them, as if trying to decide whether or not David was as important as the Princess, and whether or not she should bow as well. She bowed to the both of them for good measure.
“Yes, Princess. I am Professor Artefact, the head scientist of this project.” She seemed to gain confidence as she discussed her work. “Forgive me, Princess for that awkward introduction. I was not expecting guests and there was no telling what sort of damage might be caused from untrained handling.” She glared at a couple of young looking ponies standing off to the side. They skittered off, suddenly looking very busy. Artefact cleared her throat and held a hoof out invitingly. “If you do not mind, how about I give you a tour of the site?”
“That would be most welcome,” Luna replied. Off to the side, she leaned in conspiratorially with David. “Maybe you could help us with some of the research?”
David shrugged. “That seems fair. I mean, I don’t even know where to start, but maybe I could find that beacon somewhere around here.”
Luna nodded. “These ruins are all over Equestria, most of our current technology has stemmed from these amazing discoveries. Though the majority are seemingly useless—” she glanced at David’s hand “—as they were made with a different biology in mind.”
Professor Artefact cleared her throat. “Over here we have several instances of these strange symbols scattered throughout the land.” She gestured to the dig-site. A large square pit had been dug and it extended several feet deep. Some archeologists were scattered around the main edifice of the large double arch that occupied the pit. David put a finger on his lips, those things looked familiar…
“These doubled golden arches seem to bear a great importance to this society. Not two ‘blocks’ away, as some Manehattenites would say, we found another set of them.”
Princess Luna cocked her head. “What makes you say that these arches are golden?”
The professor smiled, wagging her hoof. “Unfortunately, due to their ancient and fragile composition, the outer layer immediately oxidises with the atmosphere and flakes off, making it impossible to naturally preserve their original colour. We have refrained from fully excavating the other set until we can find a preservation spell that will prevent the oxidation from occurring.”
David scratched his head. Golden arches, there was something about that phrase that was very familiar… nostalgic almost…
“What purpose do these arches serve?” Luna inquired, her curiosity piqued.
The mare leaned in, her voice becoming hushed. “We think it was part of some ancient religion. We’ve come across another type of building that bore asymmetrical crosses, I think these two religions were competing against each other before the war broke out.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “A war? I’ve never heard of such a thing before.” Professor Artefact glanced back at David before answering the Princess. “Don’t you find it strange, that such a widespread, sprawling civilisation vanished, almost overnight? There are many competing theories out there and war is one of them. I’m of the opinion that a devastating war between the two religions caused what I dub ‘mutually assured destruction’.” She shivered. “The past can be frightening.”
The moment of silence that followed was broken when David slapped his forehead loudly.
“How could I forget? Bloody hell!” The two mares swivelled to face the human as he pointed to the double arches.
“McDonald’s!” he exclaimed.
Professor Artefact cocked her head.
“McDonald’s?” she asked. “What the hay is he on about?”
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Twilight stomped through the halls all the while muttering to herself.
“Stupid human, stupid logic; why can’t anything make sense? Ugh!”
Servants and nobles dashed out of the way, trying frantically to avoid the fate of being trampled by an irate unicorn. One staff member, carrying a stack of dish plates, sidestepped Twilight as she stormed through. He sighed in relief after several moments of comical see-sawing with his high-tower load. He took a cautious couple of steps forward and immediately tripped over Blueblood who hadn’t gotten out of the way fast enough. The dishes came crashing down.
Twilight stomped into the kitchen. The kitchen staff, though it had been years since the last incursion by the purple ghost of the night, recognised Twilight’s agitated state immediately and wisely vacated the premises.
Twilight growled watching the kitchen staff flee like the minions of Tartarus had come flooding out the gates and were moments behind them.
“Stupid kitchen staff. I’m not that scary am I?” She spotted one lone pony, swathed in kitchen garb, sitting at one of the prep benches. Twilight assumed she was new, because she hadn’t noticed Twilight enter and was trying to sneak a bite from one of the Princess’ cake.
“Ahem, that’s the Princess’ cake,” Twilight muttered darkly. The mare turned in surprise, her magenta irises flashing as she reacted in surprise.
“Oh,” the mare croaked. “Uhm, would you like some?”
Twilight grimly noted that the cake already had quite a large bite out of it. She sighed. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt since it’s already been demolished,” she grumbled, settling down in the seat next to the pink-maned unicorn. “Are you new here?”
The mare’s horn lit up with actinic light as she sectioned a more respectable portion of cake and set it on a spare plate. Twilight noticed that the unicorn had also turned off a stove at the same time.
Impressive control, she thought.
“Here,” she said, placing the plate and a fork in front of Twilight. “It looks like you need this more than I do.”
Twilight spied the rest of the cake sitting in front of the other pony. “How… generous of you,” Twilight commented wryly, but took a fork and tasted the cake anyway. “Mmm,” she moaned blissfully. “I needed this.”
The other pony nodded sagely, locks of her mane occluding one of her eyes as she wiggled her noggin. “Cake solves everything,” she stated as if it were a universal truth. As Twilight shovelled more of the cake into her mouth, she felt more inclined to agree.
“Okay,” she said, wiping her muzzle clean with a discarded cloth. “I don’t know if it solved my problems but I do feel a lot better.”
The snow-white mare smiled at her. “That’s good,” she replied, in between mouthfuls of cake. “It’s always good when somepony feels better.” There was a pause. “Orange juice?”
Twilight nodded and the fridge door on the other side of the kitchen opened, with a pitcher of chilled orange juice drawn out along with two glasses from the cabinet behind her.
“Nice,” Twilight commented, impressed. “That’s a good level of control.”
The mare shrugged sheepishly. “Only takes some practice and a few years.”
“Still,” Twilight pressed. “A few years of practice in magic is still more than most would bother with.”
The other pony gave Twilight a smile. “You must be a scholar of magic, then.”
Twilight nodded enthusiastically. “I am! I’m a student of the Princess, actually.” Her eyes widened and she waved a frantic hoof. “Not that I’m bragging or anything, I’m really honoured, I just did really well in my entrance exam and I…” Twilight trailed off as the other mare held a hoof in front of her muzzle and snickered. “I’m not making it any better am I?” Twilight said finally as the other pony nodded.
Twilight smiled. “I’m Twilight,” she said, holding out a hoof. The other mare bumped her hoof shyly, as if suddenly embarrassed.
“Princess Celestia,” the alicorn admitted.
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Twilight gaped at the other mare for a moment before bursting out laughing.
“Ha ha! Good one! You almost had me going there,” Twilight chuckled, wiping a tear from her eye. Seeing the other mare’s confused expression, she abruptly stopped.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?”
The mare nodded.
“But your hair!”
“It’s difficult to bake cakes when you have long wavy hair like mine.”
“Your size!”
“It’s difficult to move around the kitchen if I were the same size.”
“Your clothes!”
“I didn’t want my regalia covered in sugar frosting… although on occasion that would be nice.”
With a flash and steady golden field, the mare morphed in front of her to the familiar form of Princess Celestia.
“But that means… Princess!” Twilight quickly bowed. Celestia looked a little sad at that.
Twilight glanced up. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise,” she said quickly. “Forgive me, Princess.”
Celestia sighed. “That’s also partially the reason I enjoy the other form so much. A garb to cover my wings and I’m just like any other pony.” A flick of her ear and she changed her tone. “Did you enjoy my cake?” she queried gently.
At that, Twilight smiled. “Yes, Princess,” she replied sincerely. “It was delicious.”
Celestia grinned, Twilight noted dimly that she hadn’t really seen the Princess this genuinely happy since Luna’s return.
“I’m glad, Twilight,” she said. Celestia morphed back into her alternative form and patted the seat next to her. “Come, Twilight. I know there is something on your mind, or you would not be here. Talk to me, maybe I can ease the burden.”
Twilight sat down on the seat, albeit hesitantly. Celestia gave her an encouraging smile. Twilight opened her mouth and then shut it. They sat for a moment in awkward silence.
“Hmm,” Celestia spoke again, hoofing over the orange juice. “How about we pretend you don’t know me. I’m not Celestia anymore.” She paused, tapping a hoof on her chin. “How about Sunny Skies? I’ve always wanted to have a true alter-ego.” She brushed back her mane and grinned shyly. “I’m Sunny Skies,” she said introducing herself once again. “Let’s be friends.”
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“Ah I remember, it’s McDonald’s” David repeated. Professor Artefact rolled her eyes.
“Yes, yes,” she shot back testily. “I got it the first time. You’re saying you know something we don’t?”
David glanced at Luna, but the Princess didn’t say anything, she just looked interested in what he had to say. Nice backup there, Luna.
“McDonald’s is a fast food chain,” he explained, gesturing to the arches. “I initially didn’t recognise it because the colour was off. “Also, it’s been a while since I’ve been to one.”
Professor Artefact frowned as she considered what he said. She looked at him, cocked her head and then looked at him again. She did a comical double-take.
“Wait a minute,” she gaped, pointing a hoof at him. “You’re one of them! An Apian!”
“Ape-i-an?” David mumbled, confused.
Professor Artefact was beside herself with excitement. “Oh, think of all we could learn from you!” She bounded up to David, poking him with her hooves. “It makes so much sense! Your hands, your legs; where have you been all these years…” She gasped. “Are you immortal like our Princesses?”
David cast a ‘help me’ look in Luna’s direction but the Princess seemed content to let David suffer the pent-up curiosity of the rambling archeologist.
“We’ve uncovered so much about your past! Tell me, I must know!”
Finally, Luna cleared her throat. “Professor Artefact, if I may?” she addressed the ecstatic mare. Professor Artefact looked at David, then back at the Princess and then took a few steps back, subsiding at the slightly chiding tone.
“Sorry,” she mumbled. “It’s not everyday you get to meet someone from the past!”
David chuckled. “No harm done,” he mumbled. “Though I’m probably not the best candidate to base your information on. Seeing as this is somewhere in America.”
“America?” Luna asked. “What’s that?”
“A country,” David replied. “We’re standing in it. I come from Australia. How the heck I got to America is beyond me.”
Luna cocked her head. “How would you know? It’s been thousands of years.”
David pointed out the statue being excavated some distance behind him.
“That’s the Statue of Liberty,” he said, rubbing a hand across his chin. “It’s from America, somewhere in New York. I have no idea why McDonalds was so close to it.” He shrugged. “Maybe they expanded or something?”
Professor Artefact suddenly scowled. “Wait, what you said before, this ‘McDonald’s’ wasn’t a religion?”
David shrugged helplessly. “Sorry, mate,” he said. “It’s just a cheap restaurant chain.”
Professor Artefact sunk down and buried her head her hooves.
“My life’s work,” she mumbled. “My doctorate…”
David gave her a sympathetic look. A sudden thought occurred to him.
Now is probably not the time to mention burgers...
David didn’t know it, but global warming got so bad, the polar ice caps melted, raising the Earth’s sea level much higher than normal. Meanwhile, McDonald’s got a great idea to make an underwater chain in New York, right under the Statue of Liberty. It was very successful.