My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd

by Lord Seth


Fall of the Cutie

Gilda was absorbed in her copy of How to Defeat Friends and Intimidate Ponies when she heard a knock on the door. “Ugh,” she groaned. She put the book aside and went to the door, passing by her extremely large weapons cache on the way. She opened the door and was greeted by the sight of a pink and gray filly. “Do I know you?” she asked.

“I’m Diamond Tiara,” said the pink filly.

“I’m Silver Spoon,” said the other.

“Oh right,” Gilda said. “I think I remember you two vaguely. What do you dweebs need?”

Diamond Tiara seemed annoyed by the insult, but still said, “Well, it’s like this…”


“Today we are going to learn about cutie marks!” said Cheerilee to her class.

“Boring,” complained Diamond Tiara. “Why even bother when there’s only one student who’s enough of a loser to not have one?”

Cheerilee frowned at Diamond Tiara. “You shouldn’t speak so rudely about your fellow classmates. Just because somepony hasn’t gotten a cutie mark yet–“

“Wait,” asked Twist in her lispy voice. “Who exactly hasn’t gotten their cutie mark yet?”

“What are you, stupid? I’m talking about… you…” Diamond Tiara trailed off as she noticed that Twist was in fact adorned with a cutie mark in the form of two candy canes arranged in a vaguely heart-ish shape. “Huh.”

“All right,” said Cheerilee, “never mind all that. Instead we’ll learn all about the movement of the sun and moon!”

“Yawn,” muttered Diamond Tiara to herself. “This might be even more boring.”

“Now, a long time ago, the sun and moon were moved by two alicorns, though later it was reduced to one. However, when that alicorn was deposed, everypony thought that maybe it would be the end of the world because nopony was controlling them anymore, but then it was discovered…”

Whatever Cheerilee said afterwards left no impression on Diamond Tiara because her mind had completely wandered by that point. It then got completely lost and had to ask for directions, but the directions turned out to be a prank, and it accidentally ended up in a swamp before the metaphor completely broke down.

After school had ended, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon walked home. “Now that everypony has cutie marks, there’s nothing to make fun of them for!” complained Diamond Tiara. “How can we show how much better we are than them, if not by mocking?”

“Accept that we’re all different and nopony is really superior or inferior to one another?” asked Silver Spoon.

The two looked at each other for a moment, then burst into laughter. “Okay, that was good,” said Diamond Tiara. She turned more somber. “But seriously, what do we do?”

Silver Spoon thought for a moment. “Well, Twist has a lisp. That’s something, right?”

“I guess,” said Diamond Tiara, but she seemed uncertain. “Man, there’s got to be somepony to ask for help on this.”

“How about Gilda? She’s always criticizing everypony else.”


“And that’s why we’re here!”

There was an awkward pause. “Okay,” said Gilda, “you know that you just said ‘Well, it’s like this. And that’s why we’re here,’ right? That doesn’t tell me anything.”

“Um, well,” stammered Diamond Tiara, confused as to why she did say that. “Well, we used to make fun of people for not having cutie marks, but now everyone does, and we figured that since you mock people all the time you might have advice!”

Gilda stared. “You guys are idiots, you know that?” She slammed the door.

Diamond Tiara turned to Silver Spoon. “Okay, so she’s out. Got any other ideas?”

“Hrm,” she said. “I guess Trixie is always going on about how great she is. Maybe she knows?”

“What do you need from the Great and Powerful Trixie?” asked Trixie dramatically as she popped up out of nowhere.

“Gyah!” shouted Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon simultaneously.

“Where in the world did you come from?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is always on the lookout for those who say her name! The fact that she happened to be on her way to see if Gilda for completely unrelated reasons is a coincidence.”

“Fine. You’re always talking about how much greater and powerful-er you are than everypony else, so do you have any advice on how we can convince our peers of that?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” said Trixie. “Just become great and powerful! Everypony will simply admire you naturally! Watch as Trixie demonstrates!”

Trixie went up to Gilda’s door and knocked. Gilda opened it, frowning. “Oh, it’s you. What do you need?”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie demands a loan!”

“Why do you need a loan and why do you think I’d give you the money regardless, especially considering how much cash you got from me as a result of that lawsuit over the pranks?”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie needs money to upgrade her wagon after it got destroyed by the Ursa Minor! As for why, Trixie will give you a free ticket to her next show.”

Gilda looked at Trixie. “Yeah no.” She slammed the door.

“Wait!” said Trixie. “‘Yeah’ and ‘no’ are contradictions! Is the answer the ‘yeah’ or the ‘no’?” No answer came. Trixie turned around and realized that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were still there. “Um… and that’s how it’s done!” Trixie used a cloud of smoke to abruptly vanish, though the effect was somewhat ruined by the fact she simply chose to ran off rather than pull an actual vanishing act. An awkward pause resulted.

“You know what?” Diamond Tiara finally asked. “How about we just stick with the whole lisp thing? That seems good.”


Dear King Sombra,

Not really much to say because I didn’t have to actually interact with anypony much as of late. Which would explain why I’m so much more relaxed. I guess the lesson is that you should avoid interaction as much as possible. Though I can’t say I really learned that because I’ve known that for a long time.

If you really need something else, apparently offering a free ticket to performances that you practically have to pay people to attend isn’t a very good incentive for anything.

Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer