I’m so torn.
On the one hoof, I’ve learned more and been happier these past couple months than I ever thought I could. I’ve made Friends, when I didn’t even know such a thing existed before. They’ve shown me the benefits of being honest, bringing joy, sharing generosity, staying loyal, showing kindness. Not only to me, but others as well. The residents of Ponyville are by far the happiest ponies I’ve met in Discordia. Is happiness is a worthy outcome?
On the other hoof, I made a pledge. A solemn vow to dedicate my life to the spreading of glorious Chaos, of freeing ponies from the shackles of Order. Order breeds distinction and inequality. Predictability fosters expectations and inevitably leads to disappointment. Chaos equalizes ALL before it, and I swore to that principle.
In learning Friendship, I tried to compromise and ended up betrayed everything. I hid my experiences and knowledge, and so have been dishonest and disloyal to my mentor. I’ve spread Chaos around our my this town, much of which has caused pain. I’ve withheld knowledge of the magical tree, possibly endangering the entropy of the entire region. I’ve selfishly used other ponies to further my own goals, instead of sharing with them or caring for them.
I’m not a true Friend, and I’m not a worthy Agent of Chaos. I’m a mare stuck between two opposing worlds. Harmony is the opposite of Chaos, and no mare can serve both. I have to make a choice.
Twilight
~ ~ ~
I’ve decided. I can’t bear to write any more now. Going to send some letters in the morning.