//------------------------------// // IRON WILL QUENCHER/IRON SPICE // Story: Ponyville Public Access // by Justice3442 //------------------------------// “For the last time, Spike, NO!” Twilight shouts as Spike follows close behind her, pestering her as the two walks through her crystalline castle.   “Come on, Twilight! This is important to me!” “Spike, no!” Twilight repeats. “There is just so much wrong with what you’re proposing! I can’t even decide if I should first bring up the economic implications or the idea that you’re literally trying to market a food item that attacks ponies!” “But it tastes so good!” Spike says. “What gives you the right to deny Equestria of what could possibly be a staple of breakfast for everypony?” Twilight rolls her eyes. “Well… Ignoring the fact that bits have no nutritional value. I’m both a princess and possibly the only pony who knows the spell to turn inanimate objects into fresh craving beasts. So there! Those two things give me the right!” Spike sighs heavily as he folds his arms across his chest and shot a sullen look at a random wall. ‘BOOOOM!’ Twilight pauses as the sound of an explosion erupts from down the hall. “What was that?” “It came from—” Spike points dramatically with a claw “—over there!” Twilight glances down at Spike. “That was some pretty dramatic pointing…” Spike smiles. “Thanks, I’ve been practice—” Spike was suddenly cut off as a purple glow envelops him and Twilight levitates him onto her back “—WHOAOAOOOAAAAAHHH!” Soon both where in the TV room, staring at the screen. Iron Will stands amongst a scene of complete devastation. Standing in front of a scorched brick wall, the ground about him is blackened and burnt, and a couple of trees on either side of him were on fire. “THAT’S RIGHT!” Iron Will shouts at the screen. “DRINK ONE BOTTLE OF IRON WILL QUENCHER AND YOU CAN DO THIS!” Iron Will punches the wall behind him, and in a fiery explosion, bricks fly in all directions. As the smoke clears a number of goats all wearing lab coats can be seen past the wall. Some check clipboards and others inspect beakers and test tubes full of bright-colored liquids. Iron Will holds up a small glass bottle and motions to it with his other hand. “IRON WILL'S QUECHOLOGISTS HAVE FIT MORE CAFFEINE INTO THIS BOTTLE THAN WAS THOUGHT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE BY THE LAWS OF VOLUME AND PRESSURE! THEN WE ADDED A BUNCH OF OTHER ENERGY ENHANCERS JUST TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!” Behind Iron will, a goat carefully applies a droplet of a light blue liquid to a yellow liquid which responds by shooting flames into the goats face. With frantic bleats, it runs about the lab as flames shot up from the hair around its face. Iron Will quickly shifts position so he’s blocking the view of the fiery goat. “COMPLETELY NORMAL AND SAFE REACTION, I ASSURE YOU!” The camera follows Iron Will as he walks away from the building revealing a public park. Ponies peer from around trees and benches, fear in their eyes as Iron Will approaches. “DRINK TWO BOTTLE OF IRON WILL QUENCHER AND YOU CAN DO THIS!” Iron Will grabs the top of the bottle in his hand and quickly rips the neck off, discarding the broken glass into a garbage can that that explodes and falls sideways. A green pegasus that was hiding behind the garbage screams and takes flight as black smoke trails follows it. Iron Will tilts his head straight back, opens his mouth wide, and pours a neon yellow liquid directly into his mouth. Finished, he tosses the bottle off screen causing another explosion and another scream. Iron Will spreads his legs out and throws his arms into the air. “EXPLOOOOOOSIOOOOOONS!” ‘BOOOOM!’ ‘BOOOOM!’ ‘BOOOOM!’ ‘BOOOOM!’ Multiple explosions suddenly rocks the park. Ponies flee in all directions as trees, benches, and the ground itself erupts in fiery blasts. Iron Will points at the camera. “DRINK IRON WILL QUENCHER AND YOU’LL HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY YOU’LL WANT TO COMMIT CRIMES AGAINST NATURE!” “YOU’LL FEEL AN UNNATURAL COMPULSION TO GO OUT AND ASSAULT NATURE!” “YOU WILL LITERALLY LEAVE YOUR HOUSE TO GO OUT AND BEAT UP NATURE!” “ORDER A CASE NOW AND YOU’LL GET A FREE CASE OF IRON SPICE ANTIPERSPIRANT!” Iron Will motions to the sky. A crate suddenly falls to the ground, exploding in a fiery blast that shots antiperspirant sticks in all directions. Iron Will snatches one from the air and bites down on the lid, chewing it and swallowing it before he applies a liberal amount of the antiperspirant to his armpits. “YOU’LL SMELL AS FRESH AS A GOAT AND EVERY TIME YOU FLEX THE SURROUNDINGS AROUND YOU WILL EXPLODE!” To demonstrate, Iron Will flexes his biceps and two large explosions suddenly rocks the area next to him, leaving two large craters that flanks the minotaur. “PUT IRON WILL QUENCHER IN YOUR MOUTH AND APPLY IRON SPICE ANTIPERSPIRANT TO YOUR FILTHY BODY! EXPLODE EVERYTHING BEFORE IT EXPLODES YOU!” Twilight cocks an eyebrow as her mouth hangs open in a seemingly permanent look of complete befuddlement. “… Since when is smelling like a goat a selling point for anything?!” “Twilight, I need that antiperspirant!” Spike announces with a serious look on his face. Twilight smacks a hoof against her face. “Spike, you don’t even sweat.” Spike frowns. “Okay… but how about the energy drink?” “Spike, you get hyper off a single cola and already breath fire! There’s no way in Tartarus I’m giving you so much caffine! That’d almost be as bad as Pinkie—” “DIE, GRASS, DIE!” Twilight and Spike freeze in place as they hear a familiar high pitched voice waft up to the castle window from the ground below.  ‘BOOOOOM!’ “It’s coming from—” Spike dramatically points at a window “—outside!” he gulps and turns towards Twilight. “We’re done for, aren’t we?” Twilight nods as the castle shook around her and Spike. “Yep,” she says simply as she trots out of the room. Spike follows, puffing out his lower lip and his eyes began to tear up. “And I never got to market my cereal…” Twilight tightens her brow and let out an annoyed “UUUUUUGGGHHHH!” She turns to Spike. “Look, if we live, I’ll help you make your stupid cereal!” Spike pumps a fist into the air. “YES!” “DIE, OTHER FAUNA!” Pinkie screams. ‘BOOOOOM!’ “Remember! If we live!” Twilight says. “Yeah, yeah…” Spike says dismissively as he and Twilight continues to walk down the hall. The two made their way past the large double doors of the castle and approaches Pinkie as she continues blowing up nature. “Pinkie!” Twilight shouts. “What are you doing?!” “Well d’uuuuh!” Pinkie answers. “I’m blowing up nature! I mean… the author just typed that right before you asked me!” “But why?!” Twilight asks. Pinkie grins. “I drank a bunch of IRON WILL QUENCHER!” Pinkie says, screaming the name of the product as if this was somehow customary. “Now I have an overwhelming desire to explode trees and grass and stuff! Also I currently smell like ten goats! So I have that going for me!” Pinkie suddenly shifts her focus to a single blade of grass. With a twitch of an eyebrow, it bursts into flame. “Pinkie!” Twilight cries. “I know you’ve probable got some energy to burn off, but you can’t explode my lawn!” Pinkie turns and Twilight and Spike recoil. Instead of the usually receptive and at least semi-understanding look the mare would usually give them, they get a face that was contorted in anger. “NO ONE TELLS IRON WILL QUENCHER POWERED PINKIE PIE WHAT TO DO! I’M GOING TO THROW YOUR WHOLE DANG CASTLE INTO SPACE!” Spike leans in close to Twilight as a positions a hand to block the sound of his voice. “Do you think she can…? I mean… it’s a big castle…” “It’s Pinkie and she’s hyped up on caffeine and whatever else is in that drink!” Twilight answers. “Who knows what she’s capable of!?” Pinkie began to gallop for the castle. “I HOPE YOU HAVE A SPELL THAT LETS YOU BREATH IN A VACUUM, ‘CAUSE THAT’S WHERE ALL YOUR BOOKS ARE GOING TO BE!” “AAHHH!” Twilight exclaims. Her horn suddenly glows purple and Pinkie soon finds herself airborne mere inches from the base of Twilight and Spike’s crystalline tree home. Pinkie flails her forelegs in front of her as she tries to reach for the castle, however Twilight levitates the pink mare away from the castle and turns Pinkie around. “LET ME GO!” Pinkie commands. “BY ALL THE POWER OF THE GOATS I SMELL LIKE, I WILL EXPLODE YOU IF YOU DON’T LET ME GO!” “Pinkie!” Twilight says. “You need to calm down! You could hurt somepony!” “Oh, I’ll do more than that!” Pinkie flexes an arm and the ground next to Twilight suddenly erupts in a fiery blast. Twilight jumps slightly to her right as her ears stand straight up and her wings unfold slightly from her sides, held in a position that looks just as tense as the rest of her body. Clumps of dirt and grass fall around and on top of her as she stares into the new hole in the ground. “Phew…” Spike utters. “That was close… but you got this right?” Twilight looks up at Pinkie. “Spike… I’ve stood toe to toe with ancient rulers of Equestria twists by dark magic, giant’s beasts that could breathe fire or crush me easily underfoot, villains overflowing with magical energy, and even a god.” She turns and gave Spike a serious look. “I have never been more scars for my life than I am right now.” Pinkie rears her head back and flings her limbs out. “EXPLOOOOOOSIOOOOOONS!” ‘BOOOOM!’ ‘BOOOOM!’ ‘BOOOOM!’ ‘BOOOOM!’ “AHHHHHHH!” Spike shouts as fiery explosions erupt all about him and Twilight. “SPIKE!” Twilight cries. “Go find our friends! Tell them to bring herbal tea!” Spike makes a mad dash for Ponyville as the remains of the castle lawn fall around him, Twilight’s words following him as he put some distance between her and the mad-pony hyped up on caffeine. “CAAAAAMOOOOOOMIIIiiiiiiillllle…!”