Vinyl Scratch Drops the Title
by Present Perfect
Vinyl Scratch was bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. Every three seconds, she was either slapping her eyes across a boring, dusty old book or being upbraided because said boring, dusty old book hadn't been put back in the right place.
This purple pony princess was almost as bad as Octavia.
She had thought this was gonna be a good gig at first. Yeah, she hadn't exactly been contacted by royalty because of her musical skizzalls, but a chance to scope out the newest castle in Equestria? Not an opportunity she was gonna pass up. How was she supposed to know that saying yes meant signing her soul away to library duty with the stuffiest pony since the definition of "stuffy"?
"No, that one should be filed under geomancy, not gems."
Vinyl ground her teeth and moved the offending book from one unlabelled shelf to its unlabelled twin. She'd just about had it.
"Hey, uh, Princess Sparkle?"
The Princess didn't turn to look at her, though Vinyl could hear the smile in her voice. "I told you, Vinyl, just call me Twilight."
"Yeah, Twilight, sure, whatever." Vinyl coughed. "I was just wonderin', uhh... How long do I have to stay here again?" She said the last part all in one breath.
Twilight chuckled condescendingly. "Well, all day, of course. That's why they call it Main/Background Exchange Day, after all."
She raised the checklist that Vinyl had come to hate more than her stepmother and scratched out another of its uncountable checkboxes. They were barely a quarter of the way through and it wasn't even noon yet.
"The exchange days only ever happen once a decade, to prevent insignificant ponies from getting lofty ideas about their importance," she babbled, heedless of Vinyl's complete lack of disinterest. "Spike hadn't been born yet for the last one, and he really wanted to try delivering mail. So, I talked it over with Princess Celestia, and since you and Octavia were also on the list, I arranged a three-way trade. Or was it four-way? I must have written that detail down somewhere..." She riffled through the list, which floated over her like a parchment scarf. "Oh well, no matter." She giggled, straightening the list back out. "I'm sure Spike's having the time of his life right now, making sure the mail gets through! Letting him pretend he's a main character was only the kind thing to do, after all."
Vinyl rolled her eyes. "Lucky stiff."
"Oh, don't be like that. I'm really glad you're here!" Twilight turned at last and smiled at her. "Don't take this the wrong way, but while you lack Spike's intimate knowledge of the Dewhoof Decimal System, you more than make up for it with speed and, you know, not having to run across the room to get the next book. I wish I could have a unicorn assistant on hoof for every Shelving Day!"
Vinyl's hoof sought out her forehead, seemingly of its own accord. "Gee, I almost wasn't insulted by that."
"And may I just add," Twilight said primly, "that I find your sense of humor very refreshing. You've been a constant source of entertainment for me throughout the day. Spike's dry sarcasm can get old after a while. Uh, don't tell him I said that." Grinning sheepishly, she turned back to her checklist. "Hmm, let's see... Well, we're a little behind schedule, so why don't we go over to the Historical Archives? I'm sure you'll find it far more interesting than here in the general section."
"I flunked history," Vinyl groaned.
The Historical Archives, as it turned out, was not full of history books, but books that were themselves historical. Which was to say, old. Which was to say, dustier than dust and possibly hazardous to breathe around. Vinyl was sure she was developing three new allergies simultaneously.
"Now, these books are very old and very fragile, so I'm going to have to ask that you take the utmost care in handling them. That means only lifting one at a time..."
Vinyl zoned out as Twilight yammered away like a songbird at dawn. What was Octy doing at that moment? Probably having the time of her life. She always was the lucky one. Who did she get in exchange for Vinyl again?
Well, Twilight had said something about her dragon delivering mail. Was it the mailpony then? Vinyl thought she remembered somepony mentioning something about a veterinarian. That was definitely not the same thing as a mailpony. Maybe she should have been paying closer attention. Whoever they were, they were no doubt having a better time that she was.
"Vinyl!"
Vinyl jumped, her magic disappearing from around the book she held. With a pained squeak, Twilight dove for the tome before apparently remembering she had magic of her own and finally stopping its fall a hair's breadth above the floor.
"Be careful!" Twilight shouted.
Vinyl was reminded of Octavia once again. Who knew Ponyville royalty shared the Canterlot nobility's capacity for high notes?
"Weren't you paying any attention to my lecture on book safety protocol?"
Vinyl considered blowing her off. Then she totally went for it.
"Nah. I kinda quit school early, teach. Wasn't my thing."
Twilight's nose scrunched up as she glared at Vinyl. She examined the book closely, let out a sigh of relief (and a cloud of dust) when she determined it to be unmarred, and slowly levitated it over to a bookshelf. Which one, Vinyl could not tell and did not care.
"I'm sorry that we aren't doing something you consider 'fun' right now." Twilight spoke each word between clenched teeth. Combined with her fake smile, it made her face somewhat difficult to look at. "I do have a diversion activity scheduled for four o'clock, if we finish the Clover the Clever wing by then, but at the rate we're going, that's unlikely."
Somehow, that really made Vinyl feel sad. The realization that she gave two bucks about their progress made her even sadder. This whole setup was just out-and-out depressing.
"Regardless of whether you want to help me," Twilight continued, "which, I should remind you, was the entire purpose of you signing up for this event, the fact remains that these titles are as valuable as they are brittle, and dropping one, or jarring them at all, could result in the loss of an irreplaceable, centuries-old manuscript." Twilight stalked toward her. "Now, does that make any sense to you? Do you get the importance of what we're doing?" Twilight's nose pushed right up against Vinyl's. "Can you maybe work with me here please a little?"
Something sparked in Vinyl's brain. Sure, she was feeling chastised -- invaluable manu-whatsits and so forth -- but who really cared whether a book was shelved at four-forty-nine-point-one or four-forty-nine-point-one-one?
At that moment, all she could think about was phat beats. Music churned in her blood. The call of the dancefloor was overpowering. She wanted to spin records. She wanted to see Octavia's pert ass swaying to music that she claimed she hated. She wanted that addictive cocktail of sweat, pheromones, laser light and pure adrenaline coursing through every vein in her body. Most of all, she wanted to get as far away as equinely possible from the most boring princess ever to grace Equestria with her stuffy, dusty presence.
Slowly, ever so carefully, Vinyl lifted the next book in the stack. It was a thick one, bound in something hard that had once been covered in blue velvet. The velvet flaked as she lifted it, oh-so gently. Good. This one was beyond hope.
"Oh, I get you, Princess," she said languidly. She lifted the book higher and higher. Twilight Sparkle closed her eyes and smiled.
"Good! Now maybe we can--"
When the book had reached a spot closer to the ceiling than the floor, directly above Twilight, Vinyl cut her magic. The book paused in midair and, with a rustling of pages, plummeted.
It smacked Twilight's cutie mark on the way down, the binding failing as it collided with her. By the time it hit the ground, it was nothing but a pile of crumbling, yellowed pages.
"Are you crazy?" Twilight yelled. She was so very much like Octavia that way.
Vinyl drew herself up straight. She tugged her glasses down so she could see over them. She licked a hoof and ran it through her mane. Then, in a voice tinged with just the slightest hint of the madness the Princess had accused her of, she stated, quite clearly, "I.
"Dropped.
"The title."
Twilight stared at her, open-mouthed.
Vinyl reared back and shouted, "Aw yeah, droppin' books like plates on your ass!"
She bent low and blew an explosive breath out through her lips.
"BRRRRZT!"
"W-wait..."
"WEH WEH WEHWEHWEH WEH WEH--"
"No, stop, what are you--"
"BWRRRNCHT!"
"Oh Celestia, my ears--"
"WONK WONK WURMPWURMPWURMP WEEEEET!"
"Stop making that noise!" Twilight screamed, clamping her ears shut. "I'd order you as a Princess of Equestria, but I don't think you'd care!"
With a laugh, Vinyl stood on her hind legs. Holding out her forehooves, she clicked her tongue against her teeth and kicked her rear hoof like she was knocking out a bicycle kickstand. She hiked herself onto a platform that only she could see, sitting like her old college buddy Heartstrings used to. Then, blowing a lengthy raspberry with her lips, she sailed around the room, leaning forward against immaterial handlebars, propelled by some unknown force.
"How are you doing that?" Twilight cried, crouching on the floor as she tracked Vinyl with her eyes. Various strands of her mane popped out from her head like flowers after a spring thaw. "Stop! Stop destroying the laws of physics, you maniac!"
Vinyl did not stop. She kept right on going, around and around and around.
"Well, it's the best animal stack I've ever seen," Spike said, scratching his chin. He shifted the bag full of letters and packages on his back while staring upward.
Said stack was composed of birds, chipmunks, squirrels, ferrets, chinchillas, rabbits, otters, beavers, muskrats, raccoons, wolverines, and, at the very bottom, one extremely put-upon bear. They had been arranged into a loose pyramid, which swayed slightly in the afternoon breeze, and reached a height right about even with the top of Fluttershy's tree cottage.
"I'm glad you like it, Spike!" Derpy said, smiling proudly as she hovered beside the odd construct. "I had no idea I was so talented with animals. Maybe I should give up mail and start a farm!" She turned and squinted at the animals, sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth. "Oooor modern art..."
"Well, if you did," Spike said, grinning earnestly, "I sure wouldn't mind taking over for you." He shifted the bag again, grunting. "Except I'm not sure I could carry this bag around all day. How do you do it?"
Derpy gave him a look while also looking at an errant cloud. "Years of practice! And a healthy muffin-based diet!"
There was a sound in the distance, like the world's largest water balloon popping, if it had been filled with fire. It was followed by an incoherent scream of purest impotent rage.
"Huh," Spike said, scratching himself, "I wonder what's got Twilight so worked up. It's only twelve-thirty."
"Oh, is that what that was?" Derpy giggled. "For a second, I thought it was something serious."
"Nah. Happens all the time." Spike waved a claw, digging into his bag until he found a trio of envelopes. "Well, here's your mail. Of course," he added, shooting her a smirk and a single claw, "it's not your mail, so don't open it! Federal offense and all that. I'd hate to have to send you to prison, after all."
Derpy paused for a moment before exclaiming, "Oh right! I don't live here. I forgot!" Laughing, she waved to him as he left.
"Well, Spike," he said to himself, shifting the weight again, "it's just gonna get lighter as the day goes by. I wonder how Fluttershy's holding up..."
Fluttershy screamed as the closet door was wrenched open. The grey mare before her regarded her with gleaming, hungry eyes. She wore a black vinyl corset trimmed with lace the color of fresh blood. On her back legs, black fishnet stockings lead down into boots with two-inch stiletto spiked heels. She carried a riding crop in one hoof. Her entire countenance could have been called "animalistic", save that no animal had ever looked at Fluttershy like this.
"Theeeere you are," the mare purred, her Canterlot accent lending the words an extra layer of sinisterness. "I must say, I rather enjoyed this game, my darling, but playtime is now over."
"P-please," Fluttershy gasped, "I didn't sign up for this."
"Oh, but you did, my dear," the mare said, running her tongue lazily along the length of the crop. "I never let Vinyl pass up a chance to bottom for once in her miserable existence, and I will not be denied my weekly fun simply because she is not here!"
"B-but maybe you'd..." Fluttershy swallowed. "Enjoy it more with somepony a little more... experienced?" The word came out in a squeak.
"Oh no," the mare said, placing the riding crop under Fluttershy's chin and lifting it ever so slightly. "I believe I shall have more fun with you than I have in years." Her sweet smile vanished, replaced by cold solemnity. "Now get on the floor and lick my hooves clean, slave."
"Y-yes, mistress." Fluttershy closed her eyes and tried to think of bunnies. "Help."