//------------------------------// // Chapter 35: Princess Twilight Sparkle – The Binding Lies // Story: Equestria: A History Revealed // by Hoofry_Poneigher //------------------------------// Before we start, can I just say how bullshit Twilight’s ascension was? No, how bullshit everything surrounding Twilight was. Ms. Popular Pants. Ms. I Can Probably Get a Taxi Whenever I Want Pants. Ms. Why Do You Keep Focusing On Her When I’m Everything She’s Got and More? Pants.                  What can I say? Twilight’s got a lot of pants.[652] And I’ve got a lot of baggage.[653] Let’s just wrap this up.[654] Upon the defeat of Discord (again. The “Discord side” of Discord must’ve been rolling in agony of this second loss to Celestia if it wasn’t for the fact that the “other Discord side” of Discord was forcefully reformed), Celestia purposely left the Elements of Harmony with Twilight to set up the ascension. For with her success with Celestia’s test at the Crystal Empire demonstrating that she could handle failure (as per the official story. The real purpose was probably just to see how many pairs of pants she could wear), it proved that she was ready to be alicornified alicornized alicornificated ascended. Sigh. Sounds like a dream. Wait, no, fuck that shit. More hashtags. #stilloverit #fuckCelestia #totallynotcryingintomyicecreamrightnow #alsoplspickupmoreicecreamLarry And with the true candidate for alicornification obvious to all, after supposedly reforming the wicked spirit (but glorious leader) Discord, Fluttershy was of course, ascended to alicorn status immediately. Oh wait, she wasn’t. Pro-unicorn bias rears its ugly claws once more. Let’s look at this though. Why didn’t Flutershy ascend? Not that I’m complaining mind you, the last thing we need is another pony taking a spot as an alicorn away from me another "nice" pegasi ascending. Obviously when it comes to actions, Fluttershy had just “reformed” Discord, eternal tyrant of history and all-powerful god of chaos. So this would obviously be seen as a feat worthy of ascension by most of the public. Of course, Celestia knew the real truth behind it all and the fact that Fluttershy didn’t really do jackshit. So that might be a reason. But mostly, when it came to Celestia’s thinking here,[655] other than that whole unicorn racist favoritism thing (which of course was a big factor as well), it mostly just stemmed from her suspicion of how she broke free from her secret hypnosis. I already covered the reasons on why that failed, but the last thing Celestia was, was logical. After that first misstep in controlling Fluttershy, she felt she could no longer trust her (at least to the extent that she had with Twilight, for Fluttershy was still a wielder of one of the Elements after all), and doubted her own abilities to keep her under control. Which, given her status as notable doormat, still must have surprised Celestia greatly, character development be damned. And then of course, there’s also the fact that Fluttershy was never even set up to become an alicorn princess in the first place. So there’s that. With this in mind, it would make sense for Celestia to ascend a princess who she knew would always be loyal to her, even without the hypnosis. All thanks to Celestia’s grooming of Twilight as her faithful student. Now I know why Fluttershy couldn’t ascend, but if Twilight ascended, why not the other four? You know, the lovable Applejack, the ever-precocious Pinkie Pie, and the last two losers. They weren’t rewarded for any of their troubles. Why is this? Well, other than the fact that ascending the rest of the six except Fluttershy would stick out like a sore thumb,[656] their lack of acknowledgement by the princess (at least to the extent of Celestia’s clear Twilight-bias) fits in with my hypothesis perfectly. That everything behind Twilight’s history and future ascension was all to fill Celestia’s foul agenda. For as covered before, the ascension of Twilight Sparkle was nothing more than a decades-old plan finally coming into proper fruition. Twilight’s new alicorn status would forever open new doors for the future and beyond, and prompt a possible new change for all of Equestria. Celestia’s master-most masterplan came to fruition, and she could now retire anytime she wanted (hopefully choosing to retire in the sun and burn herself alive. That would really be for the best.) Of course, she did no such thing, and continued to rule probably for the shits and giggles, or at least until she gets bored and passes the duty onto Twilight. But let’s keep looking at this. Because literally anypony would be better to ascend than that foo’, Twilight. What, I’m not jealous of her or anything. I don’t have a seething hatred for her after she stole my rightful position as Celestia’s star pupil and heir. It’s not even Twilight herself (she practically had no free will of her own once Celestia set her eyes on her, so I can’t blame her for everything), she’s okay I guess.[657] I just hate her for what she has. What she does. What she is. What… What the heck you looking at me for? I told you I’m over it. No, fuck this, I’m done. Fuck you and fuck this fucking couch! I don’t have to take this! I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a good hard cry, a good long look at myself in the mirror, and a good talk with Larry, I think I’m feeling better now. And I feel like I should apologize. I’m sorry, couch. You didn’t deserve that. But seriously, let’s get on with this. Probably because it’s good catharsis. Let it all out, Loose Change. Let it all out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Okay. While there were other possible candidates besides the mane six, Celestia of course could not simply give the throne to these “deserving” members next in line. Luna? That idiot doppelganger? Cadence? The even blander clone made of dough? Her royal extended family? I think they’re a worse choice than the clones. No, Twilight was the only possible option, as she was the only one who was not only actually intelligent, but the only one who actually had a soul. Let’s keep analyzing this, moving on to some ponies who actually had some leadership experience. Celestia probably could’ve called the real Luna back from the moon or something, but I think the real Luna would’ve be more mad than grateful. And as much as I would love to experience a rule under Discord, Celestia would never go for it (even though he was effectively neutered). Sombra? Kinda dead.[658] Chrysalis? That’s a big no. I think her cannibalistic ways would catch up to her eventually. And besides, she already has her own kingdom now. Princess Erroria? Wha-? Who the heck even is that? Where the hay did you even get that name from? Milky Way? Now you’re just fucking with me. So that’s that. Twilight was literally the last possible choice to be the next ruler of Equestria. When I think of it like that, I feel better about myself. Thanks Larry.[659] With all that out of the way, let’s look into the details that prompted Twilight’s ultimate ascension. Just let me bust out this source o’ mine,[660] and… Oh, you gotta be kidding me. UGHHHHHHHHH. Jeez Celestia, you really can’t come up with any good reasons for ascension, huh? I mean, I know your own explanations behind ascending were full of shit, but that doesn’t mean the other alicorns’ have to be too. You could at least try to put some effort into it. ‘Cuz just like with Cadence, this utter excuse of an explanation for ascension was (contrary to what I just put) utterly inexcusable. I mean seriously, Twilight ascending because she solved a problem she caused? Mixing up your friends’ cutie marks, oh no! And you weren’t even subtle about it. No warning or anything. Just accidentally activate this life-changing spell from this book, fix it, and then you’re a princess! The solution isn’t even that hard or anything, just look at some stock photo of your friends if you’re ever in trouble, and I’ll flash the answer to you in your head. What the frick, Celestia. I know you couldn’t ascend Fluttershy, but compared to this, Fluttershy’s work is like the Second Coming of Smooze. At least put a little effort to try to match her feats. Maybe make another deal with a villain or two? Anything? Whatever. So they sang songs, they fixed shit. They probably had a goshdang golly of an ol’ time. And with the solving of the spell, Twilight ascended into alicorn status. Ho hum.                  I feel as though there’s not much more to say about the whole thing.                  She had a ceremony, wore a pretty little princess dress, had ponies from everywhere and all her loved ones gather from far and wide to attend her coronation, and they sang one more joyous song. But you know what? I don’t even care. I finally see what I’ve been missing all along. As long as I’ve got Larry, this couch, and a good stock of Doritos, I’m good. Let’s wrap this up as neatly as we can. Regarding Twilight, with her ascension, things were pretty much set. And boring for her. Nothing really changed, or at least, nothing that immediately comes to mind. Celestia completed her plan, years in the making, but she didn’t exactly intend to do anything with it at the moment. So Twilight would just have to wait and get busy preening her new pair of wings and deal with all the rest of the anatomical troubles that come with it.[661] At moments like these, I’m glad I’m an earth pony. So yeah. Twilight’s a princess now. Whoopdy shit. Conclusion time!