//------------------------------//
// Chapter 34: Defeats and the Dilemma of Reformation – The Final Game 
// Story: Equestria: A History Revealed 
// by Hoofry_Poneigher 
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	In the interlude between the Royal Wedding and Twilight’s ascension, many a thing had happened, most notably, the return of various past villains. Maybe it was just a final “boss rush” before Twilight could unlock her alicorn status, but as it stands, there were many old and new challenges for her team to face. Of course, this was all covered in signs of Celestia’s interference, like a pony leaving Dorito dust hoofprints on everything. It’s just a part of my personal style, Larry! I’ll clean it up when I’m good and ready![599]

To start things off, let’s cover the return of the Crystal Empire. To be honest, there wasn’t really much on this to note, but it’s necessary to set up the real hay and potatoes of the fic.

But before I can do that, (as an aside to the aside) I feel I should delve more deeply into Princess Cadence herself; more specifically, her role as the Crystal Princess and her cutie mark.

As you already know, Celestia had made small genetic alterations to Cadence in her doughy pre-formed state. Like the love spreading ability, implantment of the hypnosis chip, etc. But one of the most significant changes Celestia made[600] was to arrange her cutie mark to be a crystal heart. The logic of which was supposedly quite simple. Heart (power of love) + crystals (for completely coincidental reasons, of course).

And hey, would you look at that, the Crystal Empire just happened to be powered and protected by a crystal heart. And the Crystal Heart, the ancient Crystal Empire artifact, represents royalty, power, and all that is good in the empire. Ain't that swell. I guess that means once the Empire returns and is reconquered, we know who should rule over it, huh? I mean she's got the sign on her butt and everything. She’s gotta be that Crystal Princess, right?

Celestia truly was clever. Not only did she create Cadence in order to solve the Pegasi Crisis, but she planned for the future as well; Cadence acted like another one of Celestia’s Chekov's guns.[601] To reclaim ownership of the Crystal Empire and simultaneously gave Cadence something to rule over due to her “fated right”.[602] Big fucking surprise. Celestia plans so far in advance that everything just works out.

But as I said earlier, there wasn’t much to discuss when it came to the Crystal Empire’s actual return. In fact, if I may put it bluntly, it was an utterly forgettable experience, at least in the eyes of true history (me). I mean it was alright; a lot of things happened I suppose. The Crystal Empire finally returned to historical relevance after centuries of inaction, Sombra stayed hardcore till the end, getting brutally shattered into pieces thanks to another deus ex barrier, and the rest of the mane six arrived to help save the Empire to sit idly in the sidelines when shit really went down, as they watched Twilight save the day again.[603] So it was all par for the course really.

And don’t tell me that’s all wrong and Spike saved the day. All that crap was superfluous ‘cuz it never happened. I met the guy, and he doesn’t even look like he can save a soufflé from deflating, let alone an Empire. And as if a dragon could ever save anything. Preposterous.

I bet Twilight was just giving the credit to him to boost his ego. And well done with that, Twi; as if a dragon would need an extra push to turn into an arrogant and greedy monster and destroy everything.[604]

Whatever. Your future princess, I guess. Totally qualified to lead us all.[605]

What was way more important to me were the consequences that happened afterwards. To be specific, the transfer of leadership to the Royal Couple and subsequent moving in of soldiers into the Empire.[606] As mentioned, all of this allowed Celestia to seize Sombra’s dark artifacts for her own and purge the libraries of all the sources she deemed to be unsavory. But most significantly, with this, she would steal the Empire’s greatest prize of all, its independence. After hundreds of years of fierce isolationism, the Crystal Empire finally fell into Celestia’s clutches.

For while the Royal Couple were granted the right to rule the Empire, Cadence and her husband were to be puppet rulers, figureheads if you would, who would never hold real power. Instead, it would be Celestia who would manipulate everything behind the scenes; with the Empire’s recapture and integration into Equestria, this ensured its complete control was completely in her hooves. This pretty much gave her the opportunity to finally fulfill that longer-than-millennia desire of hers to control the Crystal Empire, all-the-while delegating all the “dealing with the inane Crystal ponies and their fairs” that turned better ponies mad[607] to Cadence.

And there ends our recollection of the Return of the Crystal Empire. You might think that was pretty short, but I’ve covered all that I can with it. In fact, it would’ve been so little importance to history,[608] if it wasn’t for the fact that it had one major role to play in this game yet. But, on the plus side, we’re probably done with talking about Stoic Boredom and Princess Raggety-Bland in this essay, so we’ll just leave the “happy couple” and the Crystal Empire alone for now. Seeyah! You won’t be missed.[609]

What else happened in the meantime? Well, I already covered that Chrysalis’ Return thing before. I suppose I should close off the Nightmare forces’ thing as well.

After their defeat in the Second Battle of Canterlot, the Nightmare forces were forced to retreat, to be hunted down and sealed in a more permanent fashion in Tartarus once more. Of course, their numbers were reduced once more upon the failure of this Second Battle, and they were once again powerless. But, with Nightmare Moon’s own defeat with Celestia’s purification spell, the weakened Nightmare forces that once occupied her body were able to escape, choosing to lie in hiding in the shadows as they returned to full strength by harnessing the power of the full cycle of the moon. And once they were strong enough, they chose to establish their base on the moon itself as they bided their time.[610] Just another sign that the moon holds some wicked dark energies of its own, I suppose (which again, supports my moon’s usage with the Elements theory).

Anyways, they would need to possess some physical bodies in the meantime to re-strengthen themselves, and the natural fauna of the moon would serve them well. And to accelerate their growth of power even further, they chose to strike as a nightmare in the dreams of the unsuspecting back in Equestria. To ensure that they would return to fight one day. And to exact their revenge on the redeemed Luna.

I guess the Nightmare forces’ have the worst karma in the world or something,[611] for they messed up big time in coordinating with Luna again. For while they fretted over and plotted their revenge over who they thought was their treacherous former princess while they were back on the moon, little did they know that she was only a doppelganger; their true Princess was sealed back inside the moon the whole time, right under their noses.[612] And I bet this Luna would have even willingly joined their side all over again, given that Celestia betrayed her for no real apparent reason. But alas, their reunion was not to be. History’s full of cruel ironies sometimes.

Well anyways, that’s all there is to know about that. Sure, they caused a few nightmares in a select few six (a book voucher to whoever guesses which six we’re talking about). But that’s nothing that a little insomnia can’t fix.[613] And sure, supposedly they struck again, staging an elaborate attack on Ponyville. But that was such a non-threat that nopony really mentions it. I heard sources say they were even defeated by baking sheets and a turtle. A freakin’ turtle![614] I mean Nightmare forces, I know you only had the pansy-ass moon bunnies to possess as your army, but when you fail to this degree, you shouldn’t be surprised that your battle is completely forgotten by history on the next day.

And by-the-by, while we’re on the subject, why does everything exciting only happen in Ponyville? Canterlot stuff, I understand, it’s the freakin’ capital of Equestria. But Ponyville, not so much. Why not Las Pegasus? Or the cities near Unicorn Range? Basically why aren’t any other non-Earth pony towns attacked ever? Always Ponyville. Whatever.

I’ve also heard rumors regarding the incident about something about the Element of Generosity (already forgot her name. Charity was it?), being possessed into becoming the next Nightmare Moon. But the very idea of some prissy fashionista becoming a Nightmare induced threat is not only absolutely ludicrous, but incomprehensible as well. And apparently she changed back with the “magic of friendship” again? Gag me with another spoon. So I’m not even going to continue to discuss those rumors. In fact, I’m crossing it out. Don’t try to stop me, I’m totally doing it.

So we’ve ran through another threat of the month. But if I’m speeding through all of these so quickly, surely I must be building up towards something big. And yes I am, for the return of this past villain would be the most significant thing to occur in these last couple of months, besides the release of this essay. And the creation of canned bread. And the ascension of Twilight Sparkle. Whatever.

The return of…Trixie.

I mean Discord. Who the heck is Trixie? Some obscure show magician? How could anypony ever consider her a credible threat, much less a “period-defining past villain”? Get out of here.

Obviously, it’s Discord. And believe you me, covering his second return is gonna be quite a doozy. Let’s get started.

Discord was a significant figure in many respects, and with his return in 2011, he forcefully pushed his way back into the eyes of history. For after his Great Game with Celestia, many significant events would unfold because of this, and more importantly (in my eyes), Discord revealed for the first time in all of Celestia’s years, that there was another who knew the truth behind it all.[615] Celestia’s crimes, the dark magic connections, and all the rest of the fixings.[616] Sure, Discord was still soundly defeated by the end of his first return thanks to Celestia’s bullshit,[617] but his actions cannot be understated.

For Discord had sown the seed that he knew would be the key to his return. As soon as he hinted that he knew more than he was letting on to Celestia, it ensured that he would hold relevance yet.

Celestia knew this herself; she knew that she would have to privately confront Discord on his knowledge sooner or later. But she waited a bit, probably a bit out of fear,[618] and mostly because she was kept busy with her accidental creation of the Changelings and her subsequent plan. But it was not as though she did not prepare to deal with Discord at all during this time, she was just a little more preoccupied with the Changelings. Once all that was over, she could go into it, horns blazin’.[619]

She knew she had to communicate with him, but given that he was still petrified, this would be a very difficult thing to do. To discuss matters with Discord in the first place while he was trapped as a stone statue would be quite difficult, if not impossible. After all, she couldn’t just release Discord on her own without negotiating with him first; if he was somehow to escape immediately upon his release, this could be prove to be catastrophic to everything Celestia had worked for.

Think about it, if the six had learned that Discord had escaped “supposedly” on his own (even though it was really Celestia who released him in this hypothetical scenario), they would think the power of friendship was not as strong as they thought, especially if Discord could break out of his stony prison in little more than a year. So Celestia could not take such a risk in releasing Discord first and negotiating with him later; she would have to do it in a more controlled environment.

The only other option other than returning Discord to the physical realm, was to have Celestia travel to his realm. Because according to Discord’s own words,[620] he was still fully conscious during his paralysis. This meant that while his body was imprisoned through dark magic, his mind was in the same dark plane of existence, separate from ours, but still conscious. So if Celestia was to make any sort of a reasonable discussion with the “villain” (who’s the real villain in the scenario, Celestia? I think you’ve got your roles mixed up), she would have to travel to that dark plane of existence herself.

Now, there was one obvious way to get there; follow suit in the example of Discord and get sealed into stone yourself. But it couldn’t just be any kind of stoning, after all, creatures such as the cockatrice could easily petrify a pony just by looking into its eyes. However, to assume the cockatrice’s petrification and the Elements’ petrification were the same would be a huge mistake. Cockatrices could turn one into stone, yes, but the petrification process of the Elements of Harmony was on a completely different level of dark magic. After all, if self-proclaimed god of chaos Discord could be sealed so easily by one wrong look at a cockatrice, he would’ve never risen up to become such a big threat. No, the Elements’ petrification process was much more powerful, so Celestia needed to use a method more similar to its strength.

And what better way to achieve a level equal to its power than just using the damn Elements themselves? You would think that’d be the smartest thing to do, but I suppose Celestia thought this through more than I had thought. For remember, most of the dark essence of the Elements were currently sealed inside the six (who in turn, were all unaware of this, and thought it came from the false Elements), and besides the bit of extra dark essence still in her purple bib jewel, Celestia was essentially powerless to reach the heights of the Elements alone. She was one of the most, if not the most, adept in dark magic in all of Equestrian history (with maybe Sombra trailing in a distant second as the dark scholar, followed by the Nightmare-possessed Luna), but even she paled in comparison with the Elements. So if she wanted to be sealed in order to speak to Discord on the same dimensional plane he was trapped in (which is totally how the petrification method works apparently), she could not rely on her own power, but would need to ask the mane six to seal her.

However, even Celestia could prove to be smart sometimes. Or more like she could prove to see the excessively obvious signs. But I suppose that’s still a feat for a pony such as herself. For the simple request of asking the mane six to seal her into stone like with Discord would obviously be one responded by suspicion and confusion by the six. They would immediately think, "Why would Celestia request this from us?" and "Isn't that what we did with Discord?" They might start thinking that it was almost as if Celestia was the bad guy here. And she didn’t need that sort of idea in their heads at all (even though it was quite true); it would throw a screw into her masterplan.

Andd, if she did somehow manage to trick the six into petrifying her (how? Probably a mixture of their stupidity, hypnosis spells, and Celestia’s manipulations), she risked the chance of sealing herself, just like Discord, forever as an eternal statue. After all, remember the dark essence of the Elements in the six had no real “redeeming” power; why would it free ponies from prison? So despite what the mane six believed, their Elements held no such power of light. Remember, all of these “redemption spells” and other garbage used in the past were secretly pulled off by Celestia alone. So using them to free herself after she was petrified would understandably be very difficult for her to do, given that she would be kind of immobile at the time. But imagine if she did manage to seal herself without thinking of an escape route. Celestia’s name would fade away into history, as she would be sealed for generations and surely never be mentioned again; much like how villains from the Classical Era are usually forgotten by most ponies but then reappear out of nowhere centuries later for the next big showdown.

So with this high risk, low reward set-up in play, asking the mane six to seal her was clearly out of the question.

I can already hear some of you ask, “with Celestia’s knowledge, couldn’t she have used another method to communicate with Discord?” And to that I answer, yes, yes she could. And in fact, yes, yes she did. But this method was not through magic. I mean, I guess it was a type of magic I suppose, but probably not the type that you’re thinking of.[621]

Yes, Celestia relied on another way. Because there were other ways to get stoned to Discord’s level, y’know.

For she did have to use a “new magic” to accomplish this meeting alright, the magic of drugs. What better way to talked to a stoned draconequus than getting stoned yourself?

As the DARE program had taught me (which stood for "Drugs Are Really Excellent" I think, but admittedly, I wasn’t paying attention), drugs are a gateway to dark magic. As the trained instructor had told us, drugs were supposedly the "bane of all good" and would expose our young minds to “hellish”[622] behaviors. We learned that when high, you begin to see into the darkness of your soul and beyond, viewing things that should never have been seen by mortal ponies.[623]

And it is for this reason, to view the darkness of the unfathomable secrets of history, that I always blaze it 420 erry day. It’s not because it’s fun or enjoyable or anything, it was because I was dedicated to discovering Celestia’s dark secrets, no matter what the means. Because drugs would open up a viewpoint into the true darkness of the world (as we were taught), this would mean that if I blaze one up, I’d get a glimpse into Celestia’s dark secrets as well, right? This is why many of the theories of my essay were written using this method. Who needs sources when you could just use drugs?[624]

Smoking a shit ton of weed every day; the things I'm willing to do for you guys. It’s all for the purposes of discovering truth and enlightening you fools. So get off my back, coppers, I need this for my essay. It’s not recreational; it’s purely for academic use only.

Of course, poking smot only gives one a glimpse into the darkness. To become truly one with the darkness; to enter that dark plane in which Discord’s mind resided after his encounter with the Elements, you would need much more than a metric shit ton of weed.

And with this a new problem arose. Celestia could not rely on the illegal street drugs to accomplish this. It would be suspicious for her to even be spotted with any dealers, especially the most reliable of which, my homemare, Tricky G. She’s a good bud of mine who I can always rely on for some good bud. She’s got the stickiest icky in all of E, g.

In accordance to this early hypothesis I postulated even before I started this essay, made as early as 2011 after Discord’s first return and defeat, I had told her to watch out for any hooded member of royalty or Royal Guard attempting to purchase large amounts of weed from her, and if so, to report immediately back to me.

She responded with a, “Sure, whateverrr you say, holmes. But that’s gonna be like, an extra fifty bits per purchase for, y’know, uh, observance fees.”

And despite the fact that for the first two years, I found out she was selling me dried parsley, I still treat her word as god. At least more god than our actual supposed god, Celestia.

Anyways, the fact that she had nothing to report for the last two years (as I continued and still continue to pay her for her helpful work, just in case) does fit in with everything. As I said, if she or a member of royalty was caught with the stuff, it would completely ruin their reputation and integrity as well as cause abject suspicion.[625] After all, have you seen Tricky G? Not exactly the model of sophistication we’re talking here. I heard she even hangs out with the homeless.[626]

So if not by the dealers, how did Celestia accomplish such a drug-related feat? Well, it’s here where we bring back the Crystal Empire. Its capture was of course, vital to the façade of the importance of Princess Cadence, as well as another way to ensure Twilight was ready for her eventual ascension, etcetera, etcetera. But the real big game behind its capture was the fact that it was the last place one could find high quality Mary J.

It wasn’t grown in the fields or anything mind you, that would’ve been too obvious. No, Sombra grew it himself in his own secret weed labs, hidden underneath his castle. After all, he was a skilled horticulturist, right? That would explain why he would be growing top tier, state of the art stuff. With his skilled knowledge of plants, growing the stuff would be the most logical thing he could do.[627] And as a later practicer of dark magic, he too would realize their properties in unlocking the secrets of darkness. Probably used them a few times to advance his learning on the dark arts (because it’s not like they had instruction books on the stuff at that time, most dark magic was found through experimentation). I’m absolutely sure of it. 420% sure. What time is it again? I’ll be right back.


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So that’s just another reason (that I just thought of) why so many of Celestia’s royal guards stormed the Empire upon the six’s departure. To destroy the sources (like I said in Chapter 1, were totally real, and to bring tons and tons of saddles worth[628] full of Sombra’s magical weed, for the purposes of Celestia’s communication with Discord.[629]

Obviously, this must have been something that she had been planning for a while (like I said), as even before the Royal Wedding, she held a multitude of baking and cooking contests.[630]

Some might say that she was just testing the waters, to decide catering for the approaching wedding. But to that I say, if that was the case, why was Applejack randomly chosen at the last minute to handle food? This was to deal with the whole “firing of her cooking team” that I’ve already covered in the last chapter, but it’s still relevant here. If these cooking contests were so meant for the wedding, why was the completely non-participating Applejack chosen to cook all of it? Why wouldn’t you have chosen any of the winners of those competitions to make the food? Especially when you had Pinkie Pie, the masterbaker, right there anyways!

And what makes my theory all the stronger was the fact that Celestia was tasting the food of those competitions herself. I know that she was supposedly quite the cake connoisseur[631] (connoisseur? Is that what we call those who indiscriminately shove cakes into their hole without sense or reason now?), but wouldn’t it make more sense that she was just personally deciding what to choose as her munchies? After all, she needed to be well-prepared for this; she’d have the largest case of munchies in all of Equestria once she smoked that giant joint.

For as I said, in order to even come close to the raw petrification of Discord, she would need to smoke tons and tons of that good stuff. According to a weedologist scientist (who assured me that that was a totally real profession after paying him), to achieve a stoning even close to Discord’s, one would need to smoke “like, ten metric tons of weed or something, fo’ shizzle.”[632]

When it came to the details behind Celestia’s munchies (yes, I am still going on with this topic. It is a realm of history that is too often ignored by most other excuses for historians), she had decided to choose the winner of her National Dessert Competition as the sole creator of her post-blaze food. Which, unfortunately for that year, happened to be all four mmmain contestants. How lucky for them.[633] And if you can’t tell, that was sarcasm.[634]

For they’d be forced into secret subservience for a year to create a heaping load of sweet treats, be banished inside the moon for their efforts (to close the loop and to ensure that the secret never got out), and get quietly replaced by a new batch of perfected Changeling-based doppelganger clones. And nopony would be any the wiser. The poor winners of course being, let me read off the sheet here.

Gustave le Grand. Hah! A filthy griffon? No sympathy for that poor bugger.

Mulia Mild? A mule? See above.

Pinkie Pie? Well obviously she couldn’t be replaced by any clone or anything like that; it would be too much of a risk for Celestia to kidnap her prized Element of Laughter into slavery just to make baked goods. And besides, it’s a stretch to assume Pinkie Pie would ever be involved in cloning hijinks, and the rest of the six could probably pick the real one out from a mile away. They were friends after all.[635]

And finally, Donut Joe. Oh man, the Joe name just doesn’t get any luckier when it comes to Celestia, huh? The irony of banishing the clone Joe and re-replacing him with another clone Joe was probably not lost on Celestia, but she doesn’t exactly seem like the type who would give a shit. If it’s any consolation, you can finally meet your original counterpart inside the moon too. And the original Luna would probably be happy to see all three of the new guests join her living quarters. After all, misery loves company.

Getting track’d on backs here, once the whole Crystal Empire crisis was solved, and the ignorant captain of the Royal Guard (why even choose Shining Armor to be the captain if you’re gonna go to all the effort to keep your secrets from him?) was entrusted to be back at the Empire, Celestia set to work constructing the largest joint in existence.

Planning began immediately, with the Luna doppelganger told to play in the dirt of dream forests or something to keep her occupied. For like before, she was a wild card for this too (like she was for everything. Which makes one wonder why Celestia didn’t just go up and re-banish her to the moon again. I guess she needs to keep her there for appearance’s sake). The mane six also could not be present to see its construction, so like always, the Echelon pulled some strings to ensure they wouldn’t be in Canterlot for the rest of the season year.

Early construction was halted with the 2012 paper shortage (something the populace apparently didn’t notice), due to an planning underestimation error of the amount of paper they needed.[636] To help solve this, Celestia probably just used some of Twilight’s stupid letters (as they already served their purpose after the defeat of Discord), which explains why only copies are available to the public. Sure, supposedly the real ones are kept safe by Celestia, but who are you more willing to believe? The government or me?

Of course, this wouldn’t be enough. So while the paper making factories went to work to construct more paper for purposes that were never explained to them (which was a rather slow process; paper didn’t grow on trees after all), Celestia took a brief break to do some diplomacy with the Saddle Arabians. Y’know, pacifying their demands for greater freedoms by taking them out to see random forest animals be levitated into the air with fireworks flashing behind them, or whatever you idiots consider to be “entertainment” these days.

“But Loose Change!” you might ask, and then I would hit you for interrupting me again. You’d think you would have learned your lesson by now. But the point you would surely make is that “if the joint really was so large, how could it be hidden from everypony in Canterlot for so long? Wouldn’t somepony notice?”

Well, given that this was Canterlot mind you, most unicorns’ heads were too far up their own asses to look up a few times. And to the ponies smart enough to actually do so (me and Larry), we of course kept our eyes peeled once we suspected such foul construction was occurring.

But lo and behold, we unfortunately couldn’t see anything either. I suspect the joint was constructed behind that huge tower of the royal castle. The tower’s already shaped like a joint well enough, so it would have more than enough space to hide the actual giant joint being constructed behind it. Isn’t that convenient. More evidence that Celestia had planned the creation of the tower for this purpose all along. I don’t care if it was constructed during the Classical Era; she could’ve just looked into the future using her dark powers and know that such a joint would be needed.

Funny that she didn’t use this to predict Luna’s fall, but this isn’t evidence of weaknesses in my theory, but rather of Celestia’s own stupidity. It’s her fault she didn’t bother to do so, not mine.

With that paper shortage finally over, the joint was eventually completed. With Luna still poking around in the dirt like a neutered moron (which she practically was), Celestia finally got around to smoking that giant joint of hers, finally succeeding in communicating with Discord on that plane of darkness.

There’s no evidence of what they discussed in their meeting (and even less so that they met beforehand at all, or that Celestia even made a giant joint), but bear with me on this one. You’ve trusted me tons of times throughout this essay, and I haven’t led you astray yet. The only words that come out of my mouth[637] is the language of truth. And love. And whatever the language is for ordering more rounds of beer.

Upon meeting with Celestia on that plane of dark magic, Discord was surprised. And pissed. Probably more of the latter. For the master ruse master was probably still angry that he had been outrused after his first return.

But Celestia made a deal with him once more. This was the entire reason that she went to all the effort to discuss things with him. She needed to eliminate Discord as a threat, on a more permanent basis. And if she could mold him into a tool for her future use, well, that would just be an added bonus.

Hey, has anypony else noticed that Celestia just keeps on making deals with villains? Isn’t that kinda weird after her purely anti-villain policy (eg. Sombra, Luna in the Civil War, etc.) pre-Twilight Sparkle?[638] I mean it’s not like I’m making excuses or anything to prove my points, you b-b-baka.[639] Celestia just happened to start doing this. Like a pony jumping onto a sick new trend.

Don’t look at me like that! I can’t explain all the shit Celestia does! Why don’t you just ask her all your shitty questions? What, do you think I know Celestia more than she knows herself?[640]

Well, I guess Celestia always does this because she knows it’s the only way she can win, since she has no honor.

As to why Celestia bothered to make a deal with him at all? Well, I suppose as both rulers and villains (though Discord’s status as a villain was debatable, I usually just think of him as a moderate) they had a cursory understanding of each other. Discord of Celestia; knowing how to push her buttons and make her afraid of his knowledge, and Celestia of Discord. For Celestia knew that while Discord was smart and surely knew it was a trick, it was a deal that he would surely take, to prove his ruse superiority once and for all.

And with that, the Great Game was on once more. But it was to be their last. Final Round, 5 stock, no time limit. Who’ll nail the final smash? Let’s see how it goes.[641]

What were the details of the last Great Game? I just said, 5 stock, no time limit.

But what was more important here were the terms. Everything always comes down to the terms. And this game would be quite simple, something that Discord was sure to love.

All he had to do was convince one of the mane six to relinquish her Element to him by the end of the day to regain his freedom. Of course, they spent an eternity (or at least they probably did, cuz as I mentioned, there’s no actual “evidence” on this) debating the ground rules of the bet beforehand.

Discord happily approved the concept of the bet, for as traditionalist historians said and I agree with, Discord loved himself a challenge.[642] To prove better than others, and to fill his immortal time. Not like he had anything better to do at the moment.

As both master rusers, they had to be careful not to slip up and gave an advantage to the other. Discord loved to make deals, but he had to be especially careful, for this was the Luna-backstabbing-dealing Celestia he was playing against. Celestia agreed not to seal him again if she lost (a deal I sincerely doubt she would ever keep, she loved ruling over others like a fatty loves cake, which by-the-by, was an analogy that also happened to apply to her), but Discord could not use any of his chaotic magic to forcefully manipulate them, and had to rely on other means.

Celestia even granted Discord the “advantage” of turning Fluttershy, as she knew Discord knew she was the biggest pushover and would fall the easiest.

Of course, like the master manipulators they were, they both had aces up their sleeves. Discord himself had a catch; he agreed not to use magic to convert Fluttershy or any other pony, but this did not mean he couldn’t manipulate other creatures, something he intended to use to his full advantage.

But Celestia had the real ace, the ace…of spades.[643] For she had Fluttershy’s secret subconscious hypnosis kept on, in which she could manipulate her in case things got too out of control. And as a last ditch resort, upon Discord’s release, she kept a passivity spell (yep, I remembered that plot point factoid from Chapter 12) on him while he was dazed from release. Of course, this passivity spell was somewhat different; it was set to kick in if Celestia actually lost somehow (which was a scenario she really doubted would occur). And this passivity spell was not combined with an aging spell (which would make no sense to use in this scenario), but with a reforming spell instead, the same one she had used to reform the original Luna a few years before.

Why she didn’t use that reforming spell on Nightmare Moon when she confronted her during the war, iunno. She probably had a hard on for sealing “evil” threats using her Elements at that time, sister or not be damned.

Or, according to that pissy thing called “reality”, the spell was only created recently and was thought to have not even been possible. In fact, it was a spell that Celestia had heavily researched and created herself for the entirety of the Millennial Stagnation supposedly.[644] For the purposes of reforming her sister herself after she lost her connection to the Elements? Possibly.

But I’ll stick to my guns like a fly on ol’ lardbutt. There’s enough nutrients in that thing to feed generations of future flies.

After finally agreeing to the deal, probably with a whole ton of articles and clauses to ensure “fairness” (which in truth, was just them making sure they had covered all exploitable bases), Celestia was able to free Discord. Almost.

First she had to come off of her high. That giga-kilo-shitton of weed would do that to you. After the consumption of her munchies, she could get down to business.[645]

But not in the way you might have thought. Because Celestia could only free Discord by using the six’s false Elements, anything other than that would make them question the power of friendship. So she took Discord’s statue with her to Ponyville, and had them release him on their own.

She tried to alleviate their fears by saying she “cast a spell ensuring Discord couldn’t take the Elements again”. Bloody ‘eck, Celestia, try a little harder please. If this so-called “spell” of yours always existed (which I really doubt), why not use it before? Heck, why not use it literally all the time? Whatever.

She even comforted Fluttershy before the whole thing. Saying she “trusted” her and everything. Yeah, she trusts you alright. Trusts you enough to give you away as the advantage to Discord to convince him to follow through with the deal. She trusts your hypnotism, not you. But as the fantastic actress she was, one wouldn’t even be able to tell. And I would know. I told Spike about the whole hypnotism/deal thing and he looked at me like I was, like, an idiot or something. Me! So all this is obviously just due to Celestia’s fantastic acting of course.

And in fact, it is recorded[646] that Celestia disappeared right before his release. Now let’s look at this more closely. Why in blue blazes would Celestia, under the official reasons (aka, ignoring the dark magic power of the Elements, and Celestia being the immortal puppetmaster she is), not want to ensure that Discord’s release went smoothly?

Now let’s look at the real reasons. When it came to reforming/releasing enemies, Celestia’s the only one who can get ‘er done. As stated before, even though the true essence of the Elements was sealed inside the six, this power could never be used to reform/release anything due to its dark power. So yes, Celestia had to be the one to do the releasing. But she couldn’t actually be seen doing this, or the six would know their Elements were a sham. So she made the convenient excuse that she had a “meeting” to get to (she’s a freakin’ supposed god. Who would fault her on her tardiness?), when in truth, she released him as soon as she left. And placed the passivity spell on Discord too. She must have placed the spells from a pretty far distance as soon as she was out of sight. Far-distanced spell casting. I guess that’s just a thing she can do now too.

As soon as Discord was released (and none the wiser to that passivity reforming spell on him), he immediately went to work. Slowly attempting to convert Fluttershy (with more subtlety than that bitch Celestia ever had, that’s for sure), and corrupting some of her animal friends while he was at it.

Well, maybe not corrupting. He doesn’t really do that (as we’ve seen throughout history). He probably just gave them a love potion that passed immediately across their blood-brain barrier through magic. Giving them a love for swearing and flooding.

Seriously Discord, learn some new tricks. It’s getting old.

Now while I was relying on Spike as my source for Discord’s second return, after telling him that whole hypnosis thing, he thought that I was completely insane, and ended my interview with him right then and there.[647] But whatever, I found myself a deeper, juicier confidante. One who shared a selfish loving and twisted mind like mine, known by the pseudonym, “Deep Carrot”. And he would continue the recollection on from there.[648] But now my hired certified animal translator looks at me and my interview questions like I’m some kind of idiot. Whatever, she knows she won’t get paid if she walks out on me.[649]

After (from what I've been told) spinning houses, paper-eating, and an unfortunate dinner party, everything supposedly came to a head at Sweet Apple Acres. Perhaps this was a deliberate set-up by Celestia to create an allegory to Faust’s Tree of Knowledge? This was to be Fluttershy’s point of destiny, to side with her friends or with Discord. The religious imagery just speaks for itself here. As well as the Celestia-manipulated evidence. Not even speaking at this point, probably shouting.

And in a move that shocked even Celestia, Fluttershy somehow broke free of Celestia’s hypnosis (which was probably Celestia’s own fault, decreasing the spell’s strength because she thought she was weak-willed. Celestia, Fluttershy was the secret dominatrix type, y’know). The surprises just keep coming I guess, ‘cuz Celestia was surprised even more so when Fluttershy actually conceded to Discord.

With this, Discord finally won the bet. Final Round Winner: Discord! Kiss your throne goodbye, Celestia!

But no. No. NO. NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Of course not. I guess I forgot all about that detail I purposely mentioned before. I guess I just got overexcited there in picturing Celestia losing.

Because Celestia, like always, was a saddlesore cheater.

Supposedly, Discord “self-reformed” and submitted to Celestia after seeing the wonders of friendship, which revisionist historians say was Celestia’s plan all along. But I’ve already broken down the bullshit of friendship. Give me a few more years and I’ll break down the bullshit of love too.[650]

No, it was Celestia’s backup plan. The passivity spell that was to activate in her loss, turning Discord good. And nopony even suspected anything over what just happened, leaving Celestia to laugh all the way to the cake shop.

With this final match of the Great Game over for good, Discord, neutered and (for lack of a better term) non-villainified, would serve Celestia as she always wanted. She probably even set him to bow to her and literally say her mantra, “Friendship is Magic”, as a form of further humiliation. But hey, she let Twilight complete the friendship victory lap this time by letting her recite the moral. Further evidence that Celestia truly was preparing to pass the torch to her. Celestia2’s prepped and ready for take off!

But let’s get to closing this up. With this powerful spell on Discord at all times, Celestia ensured that he would never turn against them ever again. Ever. No, I mean it. Never.

Okay, we’re clear! S.S. Celestia2, you are permitted to blast off! To the moon of bullshit and lies![651] For it’s time for one last topic. The ascension and rise of Princess Twilight Sparkle.