As I approached the great double doors that marked the entrance to the throne room, I became aware of an unusual sound. Typically, the court was silent unless either Celestia or a petitioner was speaking. The guards were naturally silent, and aside from me nopony had a reason to speak up. But today, I could hear music coming from the throne room, soft yet powerful music. It was definitely a string instrument, and just the one. It was too deep to be a violin, but not quite enough to be a double bass; a cello perhaps. The piece being played was quite familiar to me, a slow, haunting piece that suited the film it had been written for well. As the great doors were opened for me, the volume increased and I was able to see things for myself.
Sitting on her throne as usual was Celestia, her ever present guards keeping a constant watch. But off to her left, on a slightly raised platform just a little below the height of the throne, a single grey earth pony was playing the cello. It is strange how creatures that lack fingers, and are quadrupeds by nature, are able to even use such an instrument, never mind play it with such skill.
Celestia had her eyes closed whilst the piece played, evidently listening to it in great contemplation, but as I entered she roused herself and looked across the throne room to me. I calmly crossed the great open hall to take my place next to her, though not before offering a quick bow and greeting.
“Buon giorno, Principessa,” I offered in my more passable Italian. Celestia cracked a lopsided grin at that. I guess Twilight sent her a few of those films after all.
“Good morning to you too, Roger. I trust you had a pleasant trip?”
“Of course, your highness,” I replied, free travel and food in the first class carriage usually did me in good stead. Celestia nodded slightly.
“Then take a seat, consigliere.” I started at that, which in turn caused Celestia to snigger softly. “Given how much you act as my advisor these days, I’d say it’s a fitting title, wouldn’t you agree?”
“You have been watching too many movies, your highness,” I replied as I settled myself down next to her. Celestia turned to the pony playing the cello, who had just completed the piece she had been playing.
“Thank you, Octavia. As ever your solo performances are impeccable. I look forward to hearing you at the next symphony performance.” Octavia nodded politely before leaving, allowing the court to commence. I couldn’t help but smile; I knew what she did in her free time.
The first few cases did not really require any input from me, so I had a chance to think. I couldn’t help but smile at the idea of Celestia as a Don. Though to be fair, her position as princess was not too dissimilar, and at times she could be just as ruthless as a Corleone. After all, what was this court if not a place of appeals and pleas for aid? On occasion, ponies had come to Celestia when their local authorities had failed them. And what of the greater political world outside Equestria that Celestia was a part of? Politics shares dozens of similarities with the way a family is run, with negotiation, conflicts, settlements, alliances made and broken. Celestia herself had done many things that demonstrated she was not always somepony who operated inside the rules of morality, a fact my son frequently attests to. She commands the same respect and possesses just as much power. It was an interesting line of thought.
However, that line of thought was promptly interrupted by a legal case. It was an appeal against a not guilty verdict given by a court in Fillydelphia, one of Equestria’s industrial and less welcoming cities. The place had taken a something of a nose dive after it invested most of its money into building a sports village when it hosted the Equestria Games several years ago.
The case was pretty simple to look at, common assault by two stallions on a mare when they discovered she wasn’t ‘up for it’. They’d roughed her up pretty badly according to the hospital and then taken off, only to be caught a couple of days later. The case had naturally gone to trial but a large chunk of the evidence for the prosecution was circumstantial at best, and in spite of the defendants grinning and joking the entire time they were on the stand, the judge had been forced to kick the case. Needless to say, this had not sat well with the mare’s father, the stallion who now stood before the princess. He’d already asked for a retrial but it had been rejected, so he had come here.
“Princess, surely you will not allow these animals to simply walk free,” he said, visibly becoming upset. “Such creatures deserve to be brought to the sword!”
Until this point, Celestia had, as she typically does, listened in silence. Unless it was absolutely necessary, she never interrupted anypony in her court. However, the stallion effectively asking her for help in bumping off these two sorry excuses for stallions compelled her to speak.
“My little pony, that I cannot do,” she said, speaking in a calm, vaguely maternal tone. “I am surprised that you would even consider coming before this court to ask for such a thing.”
“I ask for justice,” the stallion countered. Celestia however shook her head.
“That is not justice; your daughter is still alive.”
“They should suffer then, as my daughter suffers.” The solar diarch paused to think.
“What do you think, Mr. Owen?” she asked me. I’d been thinking about the case since the stallion began to tell his sorry tale. Were it my daughter, there would be no force in the world that could compel me to not seek vengeance. Celestia and the system at large had to be seen to do something, else it was more than likely that this stallion himself would find himself incarcerated. But the government, especially a benevolent absolutist diarchy, could not simply take two stallions off the streets and bang their heads together.
However, there were such individuals who could. A germ of an idea began to form in my mind.
Oh, I am good. An advantage of having a good working and theoretical knowledge of the law meant I knew all the little loopholes. This was technically exploiting one, but I think you’ll agree that in this particular case, my actions adhered to the spirit of the law.
“Well, your highness. I would firstly not recommend that the petitioner go and speak with Octavia Melody of the Royal Canterlot Symphony Orchestra. I also strongly recommend that he does not take a photograph of the two defendants and give them to her, along with a bag of roughly five hundred bits. I would not expect that the matter would be settled within twenty four hours.” Celestia said nothing, her face switching to its poker playing mode. The stallion meanwhile promptly bowed and left, having evidently understood my meaning. After he had left, Celestia spoke to me.
“I must say, I did not expect that from you, Roger. Luna perhaps, but not you.” The younger of the two sisters was known on occasion to employ, shall we say, unorthodox methods in her pursuit of villainy.
“I have not done anything, your highness. The Equestrian government is not at liberty to pick and choose. I merely advised the petitioner of what he should not do, the fact that he chooses to disregard my advice is of no concern.”
In case you are wondering, I had known about Octavia and her little ‘side business’ for a while. Even in Equestria such things can be found if you know where to look, and Celestia does. She was sensible and discreet; she wouldn’t get carried away and take things too far. Insofar as the letter of the law is concerned I may have done something not quite completely kosher. However, I adhered to its spirit, when you break the law; you are justly punished, restoring the balance between victim and perpetrators.
There did not seem to be any further petitioners left after that one legal matter and Celestia and I were preparing to call the usual lunchtime recess when a piercing screech echoed through the castle.
“Auntie!” came a voice. Oh dear God; it was Blueblood.
Blueblood was a universal problem for anyone who spent any amount of time in Canterlot Castle. If there was one pony that could sum up all of the problems of the nobility, it would be him. He is irritating, rude, foul-tempered, self-righteous, selfish, arrogant and has an unyielding belief that he is always right. I’m guessing therefore that he’s a Capricorn.
I’d encountered him quite early on in my career as Celestia’s advisor, and he’d made his dislike for me abundantly clear. I mean, if calling me an ape, in front of the entire court wasn’t obvious enough. Celestia of course had quickly given him a severe telling off and sent him packing. But that wasn’t enough for Blueblood. No matter what, even when the vast majority of the nobles, including the highly influential Fancy Pants, accepted me, he did his upmost to annoy and insult me. And I expected today to be no different.
Celestia, undoubtedly calling upon centuries of experience in being patient with imbeciles, briefly closed her eyes and breathed before replying to Blueblood’s banshee screech.
“He’s probably in trouble again,” I quipped.
“Yes, Blueblood?” she asked, attempting to keep a maternal tone.
“I need your help.” For once, his tone didn’t seem quite so demanding, it sounded almost as if he was actually asking, rather than demanding advice. Such an action seemed to throw Celestia too. He even looked visibly shaken up.
“What is it, nephew?” I never have been able to understand how that idiot can possibly be a relative, as far as I understand he is her nephew, though many, many times removed.
“I’m just so upset right now. Felicity left me this morning; she said she never wanted to see me again. Then Many Coins cut me out of his group. And just now I heard the mayor was going to throw me off the city council.” The stallion then broke down completely and began to cry. As far as I was concerned, the little bugger was getting a taste of his own medicine; all those ponies he’d ticked off had finally had enough. Still, for such a heartless oaf, he could be taking it better. “Oh Auntie, what can I do?”
Celestia seemed at a loss with what to do with the sobbing stallion that now lay on the throne room floor. Catching her eyes, I motioned to let me handle it, she promptly nodded. Getting up from my seat, I went over to the still crying prince and picked him up, grabbing him roughly by the shoulders and briefly shaking him.
“You can act like a stallion!” I bellowed, before briefly smacking him across the face. His crying quickly stopped at my sudden outburst. “What’s the matter with you? Is this how you’ve turned out; a powerless prince that cries like a filly when a few things don’t go his way?” I began to imitate his whimpering.
“‘Oh, what can I do? What can I do?’” Faintly, I could hear that some of the guards had broken their usual code of silence to snigger slightly. “You certainly don’t come crying here.” I now switched my tone to be gentler. “Now listen, I want you to go back to your room, make yourself presentable. I’ll speak to the mayor and see if I can convince him to let you keep your seat. Once you’ve cleaned yourself up, I want you to go and spend some time with Princess Luna.”
“Why should I do that?” Blueblood asked, sounding a little bewildered.
“Do you spend much time with your family, Blueblood?” I asked. He shook his head. “That is why you are like this; a stallion that does not spend time with his family can never be a real stallion. Now go.” And with that, Blueblood left the throne room, presumably to go to his room. I turned back to Celestia.
“Did I just do that?” Celestia shrugged her shoulders, a look of complete surprise evident on her features.
In any case, it was now time for lunch, and that meant it was time to go and resume playing ‘the game’. I just hoped Discord would try something other than the Northumbria gambit today.
I’d first introduced both of the princesses to ‘the game’ when they had asked me one afternoon to stay for lunch. They usually did something in the intervening period to allow them to take their minds off of their duties. The games ranged from chess games (which Luna consistently won) to cards and even monopoly, although they only ever played that once, shortly before the incident a thousand years ago. So by this point, they were both equally matched at most games and had done them all to death. I thus introduced them to ‘the game’.
I actually came across ‘the game’ when I had gone to a Freemasons meeting with a few police constables I knew. I wasn’t a member, but it was an open night and it didn’t seem too shady. We’d all settled down after the dinner to play ‘the game’ over a few drinks. It took a while to fully understand the rules, and my research yielded a few of the older variants, but by the end of the night I was a fairly confident player.
The biggest problem playing the game in Equestria, even with a fairly minimalist rule set such as the Charles II variant, was getting all the material necessary to play. The rift that had appeared in the Everfree Forest had given me sufficient information to construct an accurate game board. The problem was finding the necessary playing pieces and additional tools. The rook chess piece was easy enough to find as was the Cluedo candlestick. However, the spirit level, AAA batteries and the gyroscope proved more difficult. Nevertheless, by the start of the next week, I had enough for a decent game and told the princesses the one rule that may be imparted to new players. One of the most wonderful things about ‘the game’ is how players have to learn the rules as they play by trial and error.
We’d now been playing each lunch recess for a fortnight and all parties were getting quite skilled. So far Celestia had managed to win five games and Luna, four. But the best player by far, was Discord. He’d dropped in on us whilst we were playing, immediately recognised the game being played and asked if he could join. He was actually a very talented player, and I imagine even Burton in 1996 World Championship at Toronto would have been sweating a couple of times had the two ever locked horns.
Today, the game was heating up and looking to be quite a close run thing. From the start, Celestia had played quite conservatively, as she usually does. She only ever becomes aggressive toward the endgame. Luna, in contrast had lashed out at me and Discord very quickly taking a large amount of the board in the opening rounds. Discord always seemed to rely on the Northumbria gambit for his opening, but from there, his play was quite random. Looking at the board, I considered my options.
“Hmm, I think Chalk Farm,” I said, moving my crucifix piece to the location by that name. A sound move given that the dice still read eight and wouldn’t be cycled for another round. Discord, whose turn it was next, leaned back.
“Okay, I’ll play with you. Seven Sisters.” He smirked at the clever move by his candlestick. I was now potentially in the Nidd, assuming Celestia didn’t release the diagonal.
“You really shouldn’t be so aggressive, Discord,” she said softly, levitating her upturned rook with a smile. “St John’s Wood, you’re trapped; back to Upminster for you.” The draconequus huffed in irritation. He tried to reverse the situation with a spin of the clock but it did no good, landing on twenty past four. We were now in a collective deadlock. I had Celestia stuck due to her position at a Jubilee line station which was currently affected by the Copenhagen exception, Discord had me in the Nidd and Celestia had sent Discord back to his position five turns prior. All eyes turned to the fourth and final player.
“Down to you, Luna,” I said. The navy blue princess regarded the four pieces on the board with care, particularly focussing on her own monopoly car. Eventually, a smile played across her features.
“I think you shall all find yourself going back to whence you came. Shepherd’s Bush! You are all in violation of the Swedish Albany Rule, the Victoria line is reversed!” The rest of us groaned in consternation as the pieces were levitated, and moved to new positions in accordance with the rules. I should have seen that coming. We were all displaced and sent all over the network with me being sent as far out as Woolwich Arsenal. Now Luna had the wholesale advantage and could potentially win next turn.
I wracked my brain for a way out of the predicament. Celestia had released the diagonal, which gave me some breathing room, but Bakerloo was still out of bounds, and Discord’s new position had me in a very delicate spot. Plus, the dice would be rolled this turn and a card drawn. Unless I got another eight and a joker I’d had it. Luna knew I was playing for time.
“Euston,” I said at length. A fool’s move and I knew it, but there was no way out. If only I’d asked for New Livingston version of the rules, though even then, the Docklands light railway was still not in play. Celestia and Discord each did their best to find an advantageous position but there was no hope. Luna reached the goal on her turn.
“Huzzah! Mornington Crescent! Mornington Crescent!” she declared happily.
“Alright, Luna; no need to rub it in,” the elder sister chided. “A good game I think, wouldn’t you say so, Roger?”
“Definitely, Tia,” I replied nodding. “I didn’t expect such a sudden turn around. But don’t think I won’t beat you next time, Luna. Maybe next time, we’ll try the professional level and play without the board,” I warned, wagging my finger at the lunar princess in mock severity.
“Well, you did say that made for a more rewarding experience,” she replied, still looking smug.
With the game finished, we all left the table and went to partake in high tea, something Celestia insists upon. We happily chatted amongst ourselves, mainly about what was happening in the two royal courts. Occasionally, matters could spill from one to the other, plus it was fun to hear some of the more peculiar stories from Luna’s Night Court. I still have no idea what to say about that one stallion that walked in, covered head to toe in blue paint, and declared his undying love for the princess.
Discord too would chip in now and then about things that had happened. Today though he was a little quiet, mainly due to the colossal telling off he’d gotten from Celestia for what he did to my daughter. There was no harm done, but it was still bang out of order for him to do it. On the other hand, without Discord, I think Equestria would be a very boring place.
“You know, Princess, I’ve been keeping my ear to the ground recently,” he paused to pick said ear from the floor. “And this new game of ours has caused quite a stir amongst those oh so boring nobles.” I set down the tea I had been drinking.
“What do you mean, Discord?” I replied, naturally interested. Even Celestia briefly put down her slice of cake to listen. That is quite a rarity, and don’t get me started on physically separating her from cake.
“Well, it seems that there are all sorts of theories going around as to what the game precisely is. I can’t tell you how many wild theories I’ve heard about our little lunchtime frivolity. Though I must say, the idea that it represents just enough chaos to keep me in check was quite amusing.” To be fair, on more than one occasion, Discord had used his magic in the course of play, though he had never cheated.
“The nobility makes everything into scandal and hogwash,” Luna replied. “I’m sure you remember, sister, the rumours that went around when you took Roger on as an advisor.”
Ah yes, how could I forget? I was hypnotising the princess to gain control of Equestria. I was actually her consort in secret. I was an ally of Discord. I was a hired assassin working for griffon dissidents. The list was endless and each one more ridiculous that the last. It seemed two alicorns, a human and a draconequus playing a game during a court recess was also clearly a plot to overthrow the government.
“What are they saying about the game then?” I asked. Discord paused to select presumably the most humorous ones.
“Well, there is the idea that it controls me. Then there’s that it is actually a test, and that anypony able to sit down and play with any skill shall be worthy of some kind of reward. Then there’s the one claiming it’s actually a continuation of the battle between Celestia and Nightmare Moon.” Luna snorted angrily at that; more than a few nobles would be getting bad dreams tonight. “And finally, there’s the one that suggests that when a certain series of moves are played, a portal will open to allow an army of humans to invade and conquer the world.”
Silence prevailed for a few moments, but inevitably we all started laughing. It never ceases to amaze me just how contrived the Canterlot rumour mill can be and the wild stories it throws out. Now, if any of these rumours were actually causing any harm, Celestia would see that they stopped, immediately. However, as it was, they provided a great source of royal amusement, so the nobility would remain in ignorance.
“Lord, what fools these mortals be,” I said as we finished up lunch. Given that I was in the presence of three immortal beings, the phrase has probably never been more appropriate.
The conversation then turned to what had happened in Day Court this morning, in particular, my response to the legal case I’d been confronted with. When Celestia finished her tale, Luna nodded her head in approval.
“And it serves those two brigands right too. I imagine Octavia will set them straight,” she said, with an air of finality. Celestia chucked lightly.
“Now Luna, I know it’s only been a few years, but I think you must accept that some of your methods are just a little outdated.” Luna narrowed her eyes at her sister.
“This coming from the pony who went to see the griffon emperor on the eve of war? And who took half his land plus a peace treaty without a single blow?” Luna replied hotly. This was a story I had not heard and upon asking Luna about it, she related it, despite Celestia’s insistence that she didn’t.
“It was a hundred years or so before I was exiled, and we faced a possible war with an expanding Griffon Empire as it was then called. Sister here went to the capital to see if she could hold off the conflict with negotiation. She offered the emperor the sum of fifty thousand bits in exchange for a peace. He refused. A week later she went back, this time with Captain Goldwing, the then Captain of the Royal Guard in tow. She spoke with the emperor in his private chambers, and within an hour, a peace treaty was signed, the emperor renounced all claims on our land and even gave over large portions of his personal estate to Equestria.”
“How on earth did that happen?” I asked perplexedly. Luna smiled.
“I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse,” Celestia answered, sipping at her tea. Luna quickly elaborated.
“Captain Goldwing held his spear to the emperor’s neck, and our sister assured him that within the next minute, either the contents of his jugular or his signature, would rest upon the dotted line.”
I was surprised to say the least. I did not think Celestia was capable of such an act, though to be fair, it was a different time.
“Is that true, Tia?” I asked, still not quite believing it. Celestia fixed me with a faux cold stare. I was reminded quickly that this mare literally controlled the sun, and could vaporise me if she wished. She then spoke one sentence before heading back to court.
“Don’t ever ask me about my business, Roger.”
She left the table and headed back through the doors to court, which were promptly closed behind her. I couldn’t help but hear the music from this morning echo in my head.