"Yo losers! Are ya trying to get me to die of boredom?! Cuz' you're doing a pretty damn good job of it!"
Bullets, and a shining red rocket flew overhead, with screams of annoyance being audible from around the corner.
"Yeah! Keep aiming that way! You were so close!" I ducked around another corner in time to dodge another hail of gunfire. "Yo, dumbasses! Have ya already forgotten ya can't hit pure awesomeness!"
Actually, a few bullets did graze me, but it's not like I care. People like me are too awesome to feel pain.
A bullet went straight through my arm and my jacket sleeve. "OW! Oh c'mon! This Letterman costs as much as your life! Which I will admit isn't very much actually." Y'know it's like my team can't do anything when good ol' Scout ain't there to lead the way. After all, they did all just get slaughtered.
I ripped off a bit of the sports tape on my hands to wrap the wound. It was a pretty crappy job, but considering I was gonna get shot even more if I stayed, I'd say it couldn't get much better than that.
I ran straight for the next hallway opening and up the ramp around the corner. Anyways, who cares if everybody else is dead? They'll get back up later, and hopefully finally realize that I am so obviously the best since I'm gonna manage just fine.
A few more bullets whizzed past, and I just barely dodged in time, not like I'll admit it. "Yo bozos! I'm this way! Where are ya even aiming?!"
There was another opening where they would be able to cut me off but as I am so clearly the smartest person alive, I decided to stay right around the corner where they almost got a few bullets in me.
Sure enough, the other Scout, the less awesome but somehow equally as amazingly handsome, came around the corner only to eat a full two rounds of the good ol' Force-a-Nature. Idiot. Knowing that the drunk demo was probably next I swapped out guns to a broken Force-a-Nature that had a Crit-a-Cola hastily strapped onto it. It had been the first Force-a-Nature but Heavy decided to break it after an incident with his 'Sasha'. I sorta repaired it, and now its one of more reliable weapons in my arsenal of my pure epic essence. I even added a little component hardhat gave me so that it even shined a bright emerald green every once in a while. Awesome.
I was wrong. The fat piece of lard was the guy that came through the door next. Crap. I jumped over towards a couple of stacked crates to my left, only to immediately turn around to jump back just to show that Russian maniac I wasn't scared of him.
I filled him with caffeinated lead, and jumped left and using my patented ability, the double jump, I jump straight onto the small door ledge...thingy...what the heck is that thing called? Whatever, as fatass decided to go around the corner, I stopped myself from making a move. The whole red healing beam directed at him meant a doktor. Oh ho, is he gonna be in for a surprise if he decides to show his nerd brain outside.
But I decided not to wait. My time is just too important to waste on these losers. I jumped down and used my recently reloaded Soda Popper into one German deutsch-bag, "Wow, doc! It'll sure be damn impressive if you can heal yourself from death!"
Now I didn't forget about pancakes, especially since he was screaming behind me, probably charging me. I turned and engage in an honorable fisticuffs, where I proceeded to easily dodge every one of his punches. Except the one that clocked me in the chin, that was a cheap shot.
"Little man kills doctor. I kill baby man." Heavy charged at me again. Only this time, I was even more ready than last time. I grabbed the first bat that was sticking out of my bag and whacked him across the skull as hard as I could. Unfortunately I grabbed an Atomizer, which is probably the softest bat I had, so I just kept swinging for a bit, or a minute or two. I may have dislocated the big guy's brain cuz' he just let me do it. Maybe he reached enlightenment after gazin' at me for so long.
After lard fat died, I jumped down expecting to grab a quick first aid kit and to go straight back into the action. Fate decided that the middle step wasn't necessary, as I clearly didn't need medical attention to take down a drunk and an idiot. Even if they had a grenade launcher and a rocket launcher.
"MAGGOT!" Tin-Hat saw me and shot a rocket straight at me, which I so elegantly dodged in mid-air. Newbies need better aim, but its not like I'm gonna just let em' hit me.
I threw the Atomizer into the rocket launcher's barrel. I had no idea what it would do, but I expected it would just jam. But of course, the rocket exploded anyways, taking him and the cyclops, who just registered me being there, in a fiery explosion. It also launched the Atomizer straight back at me, and I caught it, but the momentum caused it to hit me and I dropped to the ground. Hard.
I couldn't really see at that point, since I had a lot of blood in my eyes, but I got up and grabbed the first aid kit that I kinda wanted, but not like I really needed it or anything. When I could see again, I felt like death.
The firebug had his flamethrower straight at my head, and looked at me with a curious expression. If I hadn't been trained by BLU, I would probably be paralyzed with old trauma. Don't ask. The earlier explosion must've been like 'Come here for free cupcakes!' for him.
Before I gave him the chance the release the trigger and cook me, I kicked the nozzle of the flamethrower up, and tripped him so he fell to the ground. I grabbed a pistol with a little wing painted onto it, and filled his head with all five bullets in the clip. Normally, that wouldn't kill him but he probably took a bit of damage earlier.
"Hah, none of these losers can even touch me! They really should just step aside and recognize royalty." I took the moment to reload the Force-a-Nature and the Soda Popper.
I heard a uncloaking noise straight behind me and since I knew even I couldn't turn around in time, I just swung the Soda Popper over my shoulder and shot backwards.
Considering I wasn't yelling in pain after getting stabbed in the back, I assumed the shots connected. Sure enough, when I turned around, there was a Frenchie in a suit lying in a pool of blood.
"Wow, can't even stab a guy in the back correctly. When that's all you're good for, I don't see how you can even try and make fun of me." I kicked his corpse around. I really hated Spy.
I quickly ran a mental checklist of the bozos that need to respawn against those who I have yet to show the end of my gun. Other me? Check. Tin-Hat? Check. Arsonist? Check. Cyclops? Check. Fatso? Check. Hardhat? Probably still at their point. Doc? Check. Sniper?...Oops.
I took a look around and saw that camper decided to move up for once and was in a perfect position to just whack a couple of high-caliber bullets into me. Since I was damn sure I couldn't take too many more shots, I just ducked into the darkness. There just had to be no clear cover from the bastard looking towards where all the dead guys on his team were.
As soon as I had a moment, I would make a run for it and flank the coward so he pisses his damn pants. Not like an Australian is gonna-
The Soda Popper glowed a really bright green. Not Awesome.
Sniper immediately saw where I was and shot my head. Holy crap, being about to die hurts. Eh, respawn'll happen in a few moments so I can continue spreading my awesomeness. The world'll just have to wait for Scout to come back.
Are you sure?
More than anything.
Fine.
Huh, coulda sworn I heard somethin'. I got up and... fell right back down. What the crap? Respawn doesn't make me dizzy! I haven't been dizzy in years! I used my hands to get up... why are my hands flat? WHY ARE THEY BLUE?!
I quickly looked at my sweet muscled body, only to find the blue Letterman over some cyan... fur? Aw jeez, is this some kinda sick joke? What am I supposed to be? Some blue raccoon?
I realized I could feel a couple of new impulses I never felt before. Trying to stretch them out, wings at both of my sides popped and stretched out. I'm a furry bird?
I slowly flapped them so I could try flying. As usual, it came incredibly naturally to me. I even started by flying upside down. Hah, physics doesn't affect awesomeness.
So, anyways, what the heck is going on?
"Sup, losers." Scout walked up after respawning.
"I hate to admit it, but you did well boy." Spy, only wearing a blue suit this time, came up to Scout.
"Yeah, thanks crouton." Scout ran out the doors. Leaving an incredibly confused Spy. Did respawn make him polite? How nice. Perhaps a little bit of oddity isn't that bad.
Spy held up his wrist and disappeared to go back onto the battlefield.