//------------------------------// // Boasts 'n Busters // Story: My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd // by Lord Seth //------------------------------// “Okay, so I’m confused,” said Trixie. “Why is there this big crowd around this stage even though nopony is on it?” Flam shrugged. “I guess everypony just got curious about why it was here and gathered around. Though if something doesn’t start soon, I’m going to demand my money back.” “Wait, did you even pay to be here?” Trixie asked. “No, but that’s never stopped me before.” Their conversation was abruptly halted by the abrupt appearance of a lavender unicorn on the stage. “Greetings, Ponyville!” she declared in a loud voice. “Do any of you know who I am?” The crowd murmured among themselves, apparently unsure. “Wind Whistler?” one of them finally asked. “Yea… no, not Wind Whistler!” the unicorn said, suddenly appearing grumpy. “I am Twilight Sparkle, vanquisher of ursa majors and one of the, if not the, most powerful unicorns in existence! I come here seeking opponents to test my might against! Who wants to try?” Lightning and thunder ominously crackled after she said this. “Lightning Dust, why did you make it thunder and lightning?” “Don’t know; it just felt appropriate.” Meanwhile, there seemed considerable hesitance on the part of the crowd to take up Twilight’s challenge. Except for Trixie, who leaped up to the stage. “The Great and Powerful Trixie will do it! Watch in awe as the aforementioned Great and Powerful Trixie performs the most spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!” “Excellent…” said Twilight before aiming her horn at Trixie and letting loose a magical blast so powerful it knocked Trixie several blocks away. An awkward pause resulted. “That’s the best you can do? Anypony else wish to try?” The sight of Trixie being so effortlessly defeated seemed to deter anyone in the crowd from trying their luck. “Oh, come on? Nopony?” Twilight audibly sighed. “Well, I’ll be in town until noon or so tomorrow if anypony else wants to try.” She used her magic to make the stage vanish and walked off. “Well,” Sunset said as the crowd dissipated, “that was pointless. I’m going back home to–“ “Wait!” Suri declared. “Sunset! You’re pretty strong, right? I bet you could take Twilight on!” Sunset rolled her eyes. “What motivation would I have to do?” “Do it for Ponyville!” “What’s Ponyville ever done for me?” “Oh, um, good point.” “Although,” said Sunset, “I actually do recognize her. She was a student at magic school several years below me. She definitely had a ton of magical power, but she seemed to care more about books than strength… I wonder what happened to change her priorities.” She paused. “Enh, don’t care enough to find out.” “Man,” complained Lightning Dust. “I hate arrogant people like that. They’re all way less impressive than I am.” “Go away, Lightning Dust,” said Flim. “What? Are you still angry about the pranks? You got your stupid reparations. Heck, I wasn’t even the one who pranked you; that was all Gilda. Speaking of which, where is she, anyway?” “Did you hear the part about the ursa major?” Suri asked, completely ignoring Lightning Dust’s question. “Now that’s just ridiculous. I’ve read about those things; you sure as heck can’t just vanquish one by yourself.” “Hey!” said an orange-colored unicorn colt who had stayed behind. “Twilight was super powerful! I bet she could do it!” “Yeah!” said a blue-colored unicorn colt with him. “She could totally do it!” “All you did was repeat exactly what I said!” “Well, I wanted to say something!” “Ha!” declared a bruise- and dirt-covered Trixie, who had finally managed to walk back. “I doubt she could even defeat an ursa minor!” “Says the person who personally experienced the brunt of her power,” muttered Lightning Dust. “Exactly! That wasn’t enough power to take down an ursa major! And the Great and Powerul Trixie knows that, because she once fought one!” She paused, then added, “And defeated it!” The suggestion of Trixie defeating an ursa major caused everyone else except for the colts to collapse into laughter. “Oh man,” Sunset said. “You think we’d believe you could take on an ursa major?” Trixie glared at them as they continued laughing. Eventually they ceased. “Well, that was about the funniest joke I’ve heard all year,” said Flam. “But back to work.” Flim and Flam walked away. Everyone except for Trixie and the two colts took the opportunity to leave as well. “Oh boy!” said the blue colt. “I bet you did an amazing job with the ursa major! Maybe you and Twilight could work together to fight several of them!” “Oh, please, Snips,” Trixie said, finally giving the narrative an excuse to refer to him by his name. “The Great and Powerful Trixie needs no Twilight Sparkle to defeat an ursa major! But now I have important things to do and must take my leave.” “What are those important things?” asked the technically-unnamed-as-of-this-point orange colt. “Uh, important things. Nothing that needs concern you, Snails,” Trixie said, again helping the narrative out a little by providing a name. She then left. “Hey, Snails!” Snips said. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “We should totally lure an ursa major into the town so they can prove to everypony they can do what they said?” “Exactly! I love how we’re always on the same wavelength.” “Although,” Snails said, “I was also wondering why they call it a flea market if they don’t sell fleas.” Snips stared at him. “Okay, mostly on the same wavelength.” Later that night… Trixie woke up to the sound of a knock on her door. “Ugh… who could that be at this hour?” She went over to the door and opened it, finding Snips and Snails. “Oh. Hi, you two,” Trixie said flatly. “What in the world do you two need?” “Just need you to vanquish the ursa major we brought into town for you to vanquish!” Trixie stared at them, started to say something, stopped, stared some more, then finally spoke. “What.” “Well, yeah, you were talking about how you could vanquish them, but no one believed you, so we figured we’d let you show them.” Trixie face-hoofed. “You two are idiots. Even if I didn’t make the whole story up, that’s reckless endangerment!” The two stared at her, confused as to the meaning of the last two words. “Uh, it’s something Lightning Dust went on about. The point is, you’re idiots!” “Wait,” Snails said, “you made up the story?” “Yes! And now I’m going to get the heck out of this town until the–“ Trixie faltered as the lumbering ursa happened to lumber up to her. “Uh… well… maybe I can bluff it.” Trixie attempted to pull off a few threatening karate moves—or whatever the pony equivalent of karate moves are—in order to threaten the ursa. After a few seconds of apparent puzzlement, it opted to squash Trixie flat with one paw and destroy her cart with the other. “AAAAHH!” screamed Snips, who proceeded to start running away again. “AAAAHH!” agreed Snails, who proceeded to run off as well. Showing surprising intelligence for two characters that up until this point had mostly been, as Trixie said, idiots, the two split up, leaving the ursa confused. After scratching its head for a few seconds, it opted to go rampaging in an entirely different direction. Snips and Snails soon did meet up with each other due to their paths intersecting. “That was a brilliant idea!” declared Snips. “Splitting up to make it leave and then meeting back together!” “Uh… yeah. That was totally the plan,” said Snails. “Now to see if Twilight is of any greater help!” In the meantime, the noise and destruction of the ursa started waking ponies up, who left their houses to try to figure out what was going on. Their reaction to the ursa wandering around varied from running back inside and barricading the door, running around screaming, or taking pictures. Sunset’s reaction, however, was to simply stare and say, “You have got to be kidding me.” Ordinarily she would have written it off as someone else’s problem and simply gone back to sleep, but the fact the ursa might be an actual danger to her was enough to make her care. “I hate my life,” she muttered to herself as she went back into the library to try to find information on defeating ursa majors. Elsewhere in Ponyville, Snips and Snails had managed to find Twilight’s “residence,” a miniature house that the unicorn had presumably conjured out of magic. “Hey! Twilight!” they shouted. Upon receiving no answer, they opened the door to find no one was there. Elsewhere in Ponyville, Twilight was facing down the ursa. She had already been woken up and tracked it down, making some of that stuff with Snips and Snails ultimately useless in retrospect. “An ursa minor?” Twilight asked herself out loud. “Ha. Peace of cake.” She hit it with a powerful blast that sent it sprawling all the way back to the Everfree Forest, albeit causing considerable property damage along the way. By little more than pure narrative convenience, this was also when both Sunset Shimmer and Gilda happened to come upon the scene. “Well,” Sunset finally said, “I guess that took care of itself.” “That barely felt worth the effort,” complained Twilight. “Is there nothing that can prove a challenge?” A loud roar was heard in the distance. “Um,” Sunset said, “now that I think about it, don’t ursa minors usually have parents?” “You think that one was old enough to still be staying with its parents? I thought it seemed more on the upper end of the age of an ursa minor, at which point it would have left the nest,” said Twilight. The roaring grew louder and was soon accompanied by loud footsteps. A large creature was seen in the distance. “Yep,” said Gilda in a matter-of-fact tone that added a surprising amount of humor to the situation, “I think it’s coming here.” “Gyah!” exclaimed Twilight. “What are we going to do? I can’t beat that thing!” “Wait, weren’t you going on about how you vanquished ursa majors?” “Yeah, after spending considerable amounts of time setting traps to weaken it first and being at full power. I already expended a decent amount on that ursa minor!” Gilda snapped her fingers… or at least she would have if she had fingers. She did the talon equivalent of that instead. “Got it! You guys hold that stupid thing off while I get my secret weapon!” She quickly ran off. At this point, the gigantic ursa major had finally reached Ponyville. Luckily for the residents, Sunset and Twilight were close to the edge, meaning it didn’t stomp on many buildings when it got to them. Sunset groaned. “Really should have taken off running to save myself instead of wasting time talking. Now I’m going to die to an ursa major.” Twilight aimed her horn at the ursa major and let loose a magical energy blast that appeared to at least hurt the creature. “Come on! You seem strong enough; maybe together we can defeat the thing.” Sunset rolled her eyes but joined in. “Fine. Might as well go down fighting. It wouldn’t be the first time I survive implausibly due to an incredibly stupid plan.” Unfortunately for both Twilight and Sunset, the magical blasts, while effective at holding the ursa major off, seemed to only irritate it otherwise. Additionally, the continued strain caused both of them to become exhausted quickly. “Ugh…” said Sunset. “Can’t keep this up much longer. I think we’re both dead.” “That’s where you’re wrong!” declared a familiar voice, as Gilda ran up to them, holding an odd-looking and rather long apparatus. “I’m here to save the day!” At this point, their magical energy ran out. “What’s your big plan?” asked Sunset. “We couldn’t beat it with our magic. All we’ve done is wound it a little. What can you do that the magic can’t?” “Because,” Gilda said with a grin, “I hold in my hands something even more powerful than magic!” She pointed the device at the ursa major. “A surface-to-air missile launcher.” She pulled the trigger and the aforementioned surface-to-air missile launched from the launcher on the surface into the air. This had the effect of felling the ursa major. Twilight and Sunset stared in disbelief. “What was that?” Sunset asked. “I told you, a surface-to-air missile launcher. Always keep them, just in case!” “There aren’t tons of regulations on those things? I mean, you needed a permit just to use the Elements of Irony.” “Oh, sure, in griffon lands there’s tons of regulations,” Gilda explained. “But these can’t be operated by ponies due to their lack of fingers, claws, or talons, so there’s actually surprisingly few restrictions on them here in Equestria.” “Huh.” Gilda surveyed the now-dead ursa major. “Hrm, I suppose this does leave the ursa minor without a parent, but if I stopped to care about consequences I’d never do anything. Enh.” “Well what do we do with this thing now?” asked Sunset. “I actually know a guy who knows a guy who would pay a lot of money for ursa major meat.” “Blech,” said Twilight, though their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of a fair number of ponies who had been woken up by all of the commotion and left their homes to see what was going on. “Okay,” the mayor said, “can someone fill me in on what just happened?” “From what I can tell,” said Lightning Dust, “an ursa minor came into Ponyville, which then got blown away by Twilight. Then an ursa major came in, and it was defeated by Sunset, Twilight, and Gilda.” “Mostly Gilda,” said Gilda idly. “Hey!” said Twilight. “I bet you wouldn’t have beaten that thing if we hadn’t already weakened in! And how did you know all this, Lightning Dust?” “Oh, I was just watching it all. Looked fun.” “All very interesting. But here’s the question,” said the mayor. “Who is going to pay for all this property damage?!” Sunset, Twilight, and Gilda looked around and saw that a decent amount of Ponyville had been destroyed by the battle. “Um…” said Sunset hesitantly. “Not to worry!” declared Lightning Dust. “I’m a total expert on accidental property damage! Be right back!” Lightning Dust zoomed away quickly, then a few seconds later zoomed back holding a book entitled “Property Damage Laws for People Who Don’t Want to Buy a Book called “Property Damage Laws for Dummies.”” “Let’s see…” she said as she looked through it. “Hey! Twilight!” shouted Snips as he and Snails approached them. “Wow, it looks like unlike Trixie, you were able to defeat the ursa!” “Glad to see we didn’t bring it here for nothing!” agreed Snails. The two suddenly found everyone looking nastily in their direction. “Hrm, maybe shouldn’t have said that bit out loud.” Lightning Dust landed. “Okay, so, normally these two idiots would be the ones to pay. But they’re minors, so they’re exempt. Who gave them the idea to bring the ursa in?” “Well, Trixie was talking about how she could vanquish one…” said Snails. “Okay,” said Lightning Dust, “so I guess Trixie has to foot the bill.” “The ursa minor kinda squashed her, though,” said Snips. “We saw it.” “Our young, impressionable minds may never recover from that kind of trauma,” added Snails gravely. “Okay, so… uh…” Lightning Dust seemed unsure where to proceed. “Ah! Somepony else said they could vanquish ursa majors and incentivized them!” She pointed at Twilight. “Looks like you’re stuck with the bill.” “What?!” Twilight exclaimed. “I just helped save your town!” “Yeah, and did a bunch of property damage in the process. Heck, even not counting the ursas themselves, you’d be liable for some.” “I don’t have the money to pay for all of that!” Twilight protested. Lightning Dust looked closer into the book. “Well, if that’s the case, you can always pay it off by being sentenced to hard labor. For this amount of damage it looks like… about 20 years. 18 if you really work hard.” Twilight’s expression was incredulous. “What?” she asked. “Do you want me to repeat what I said? Is that what you’re asking “what” for?” “I… you…” Twilight said, apparently at a loss for words. Finally she seemed to get those words. “Screw this; I’m just getting out of here,” she said as she was enveloped by purple smoke that, when dissipated, left her vanished. “Oh, wait!” Lightning Dust said. “This is my old copy of the laws! Hang on, be right back!” Lightning Dust zoomed off, then zoomed back with a different book. “Okay, let’s see… oh, never mind all that I said. Looks like the government actually gets to foot the bill for all of this. No wonder taxes were increased so much. It looks like the penalty the perpetrators suffer is that they'll have to pay for repairs of their own property themselves. So, Twilight, looks like I got things a little… Twilight?” “She kinda ran off,” said Sunset. Lightning Dust shrugged. “Enh. She’s fine. It’s not like she won’t take the time to double-check what I said, thereby staying perpetually on the run from something that isn’t chasing her.” “Well, I’m going back to bed,” said Sunset. “This whole ordeal has been exhausting. Someone else can clean all this stuff up.” Sunset stalked off, taking her out of the rest of the story until the obligatory friendship report and allowing this narrative commentary running gag to be put to a rest. “This does leave the question of what to do about all of the people who are currently homeless without their houses,” observed Lightning Dust. She shrugged. “Ah well, my job is done, see you all later!” she said as the zipped off. “Not to worry, everypony!” came a voice. Everyone turned to see Flim and Flam. “We heard all about what’s happened thanks to reasons that have nothing to do with cheese. And anypony who’s been left homeless is welcome to stay at one of our barns for a surprisingly low price!” said Flim. Suri sighed. “I can’t believe they came up with that idea before I did,” she groaned to herself. Meanwhile, Sunset reached her house and entered it. “Hi!” said Trixie, who was standing inside. “Trixie?! Didn’t you die?” “Oh, no, that was just a fake double of myself. Anyway, since my cart got destroyed, I was wondering if maybe I could stay with you for a while.” Sunset stared at Trixie for a few seconds, then said, “No. Get out.” She then pushed Trixie out and slammed the door. “Well, somepony is in a bad mood,” huffed Trixie. Back inside, Sunset took out some paper and wrote the following: Dear King Sombra, Today I learned something about gun control. I’m not entirely certain what I learned, but it was something. Sincerely, Sunset Shimmer