Stop thinking about it, brain.
…
Seriously, stop. We both know she’s just messing with us. She has to be messing with us. Just… just try and focus reading this ‘Rap Battling for Bucking Morons’ book.
…
Okay, fine. Fuck the book. I’m certain my magic already found a way to make me a fucking rap god. Just think about anything else than a threesome with Octavia and Vinyl Scratch. Please!
…
Shit, inner-me is right. I need to get laid.
Alright; while I go to the bathroom to give myself a cold shower, I might as well discuss it. Octavia’s… fuck, you know what Octavia is. I have never used the word indescribable before tonight, yet alone this frequently. I just… can’t find anything. I am magically attached to practically every written word in the history of words and I can’t find anything that describes her!
Vinyl Scratch, on the other hoof, I can. Cheeky, loud, silly mane style…
…friend.
That last one is a bit of a problem in this threesome debacle. I think that’s all she can be to me; a friend. Shit, she’s better than that! She’s my best friend! How can I screw my best friend? Especially after…
…
I hope she forgives me for my lack of sympathy back there. I don’t want to have sex with her, sure, but the last thing I want is to upset her like I did.
I hope she’s ok… Aaaaaaaaah! Fuck! Fuck me! Cold, cold, cold!
I turn off the cold tap, making the falling water disappear from the showerhead. I think that’s done it. Let’s think about other things since that one is gone. Like… well, where can I begin? I can think of three things, right now.
Okay, latest incident first: This rap tournament I somehow volunteered myself in… and could be out of now. Ah, who the buck am I kidding? I’m pretty much Vinyl’s last hope here; I doubt an improper way to say that someone’s aunt is dead is going to get in the way of performing and winning this thing. And I mean winning. I may have no experience nor respect of the field of rapping, but if my opponent’s worst word to fly around is spazzoid, I think I’ll be fine. Spazzoid… huh! What the hell makes that Hater-D so… I just remembered that she beaten a pony to an inch of his life for this thing. Okay, now I remember what the hell makes Hater-D so scary. Maybe a different subject now… One that’ll sound less like a death warrant.
The new life of Blue Curaçao might be one. Fuck me, what a change! From fit, homophobic, bully to a goody-four-shoes that’s married to a hermaphrodite who is seemingly more masculine than he is and enough fat on him that can make two ponies morbidly obese! Cadence almighty, I hope Parfait’s on top when they’re … I’m back to thinking about sex, again. Cold water, on!
Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! Cold… Water… OFF! Hoo… hoo… I bet this is how windigos are made; ponies frozen to death from cold showers.
Anyway, I’m happy for him. Nice to know that Fluttershy’s right about how much of a changed stallion he is. I wonder what made him change, though. Better ask him that next time I’m in there. And I’ll come on a drinks night too, drink the fucking place dry! Don’t act like I don’t deserve to, what with all that I’ve discovered about the world around me the last couple of days.
You know, about that. Does this feel quick to you? I mean, I sort of knew it wasn’t going to be a rolling start back to life after five years of doing nothing, but I didn’t expect everything coming up at once! I mean sure, discovering Twilight unknowingly adopted me would be good to know as soon as possible, but could it kill the universe to just put some things for next week? I wouldn’t mind having to find the Renter Side and the SorriNa when I’m walking around when the girls have gone to this Princess Summit in the Crystal Empire, popping in to discover those two… okay, maybe I would freak the fuck out in front of Blue like I did in front of Fluttershy which would be a little worse, but still. Nor would I mind discovering my new fame later...
Speaking of which… I still can’t believe the crowd of the bar, tonight. All those ponies there to hear my poems. By the sound of things they do it every week, too. And the copy-cats! Holy fucking shit, it’s uncanny seeing all these replicas of me sitting around a table talking about me! It’s a little fucked up, especially the filly one. Yes, there was a filly one. Celestia bless her for trying, but why? Isn’t the main idea was to act like me to get drinks? Did she just dress up like that just for the fun of it?
Is… is all the world outside Canterlot like that? Printed Page did say that Outside of Canterlot I’m a pretty big deal, but… I feel like this is too big. Fuck, I’m so happy it isn’t revealed that I’m now adopted into royalty. It’ll make it a new level of awkward around that bar, tonight. Probably awkward already since ponies saw me walking with Twilight… My poetry has been very… anti-alicorn. Guess that’s how the whole Unalicorn nickname came to be. It’s not like I hate Celestia… It’s just that I believe giving a seemingly immortal being that already has a lot of power even more power by making her the ruler of all Equestria seems like a stupid idea to me. Clearly, some thousand-year-old thinking right there.
…
Fact is, I need to make sure they don’t find out about this adoption. They seem to understand that I agreed to do this just to get out of West Canterlot, which is true, but if they found out that Twilight’s my new mom… It’ll kill them! Shit, it almost killed me!
…
You know what this reminds me of? Bad Fan-fiction.
Oh, I don’t need to read the shit Page says he gets to know what bad fan-fiction is. Trust me, there is enough going around Canterlot about royalty. When Princess Cadence’s wedding came round, there was no exception. Everywhere I turned, I see some royalist nut job writing about her. The sewage of shit that comes out of those ponies is disgusting. Especially when they put in their OC, which is pretty much them but cooler. Fucking Original Characters, they are the worst! Little to no character to them, got themselves some relation to the royalty in question, somehow liked by everypony, overpowered to the extreme, red and black colour scheme and if they think that’s too unoriginal they add in… some…
White.
…
Oh buck me, I am having the worst realization right now. I am living the life of a bad OC. That’s… that’s not a fun thought. But it’s true, isn’t it? I got the colour scheme, I’m adopted by the newest princess in Equestria, I am magically attached to everything that has been written down, a lot of folks think I am the greatest thing to exist right next to alcohol; I…
… I am a bad OC.
… I b-better wait until I’m done crying before I go to bed. Don’t… don’t want to stain the pillows.
I hear a flapping nearby. Sounds like Owlowiscious is back from Fluttershy’s. I better go downstairs and meet him. Maybe… Maybe I should to write a letter. Yeah… that sounds like a good idea.
He sees me coming from his perch. He raises a wing in recognition.
“Hey… I take it you had a good time?”
The owl tilts his head. I think he’s asking me what’s wrong.
“I’m fine. Just… Think you can go take a letter to Twilight, tonight?”
The owl bows. I think that’s owl for ‘okay.’
I sit down on the desk and pull out the quill. I think it’s safe to say I already got the ink.
Dear Princess Twilight,
… huh. I feel warm all of a sudden. Like… like there is a fire in the library.
…
Oh, Luna. I think there is a fire in the library! Shit! Shit! Shit! The prophecy of the monkey centaur is true! Repent, non-believers! Rep- Oh wait, just a phoenix. Never mind. It seems to be holding a letter… I’m guessing some magic is involved to prevent it burning. The fiery creature drops the letter and flies off immediately. I turn to the owl.
“I’m guessing he doesn't do letter deliveries very often?”
The owl nods as I pick up the letter. Well, it says it’s for me on the front… with the royal seal. I get the feeling it’s Princess Celestia, finally going to write to me about what I said to her. She does have a pheonix, right? Maybe that one was it? I open up and check the name on the bottom to confirm my guess.
Princess Luna
Well, I was close. Probably the same phoenix, anyway. Ah well, Let’s see what the Princess of the night has got to write about.
To the great poet Woundsalt,
Great? She called me a great poet? What kind of poets did they have a thousand years ago which would make her believe that I am great?
Before
weI begin, I would like to say how lovely it is to write to you. When Twilight mentioned that you have a book, I decided to get myself a copy of it. A very rare book to find in Canterlot, but a fantastic read. Especially when it comes to the poems that ponder a non-alicorn run society. A philosophy I know I shouldn’t find entertaining, but the imagery you create of this concept makes it very… intriguing.
Wow… first compliment by royalty. I… guess I should be happy? I don’t know, I’m still bummed about my new life as some douchebag’s shitty OC.
I am writing to you instead of Twilight to tell you first hoof that I will be walking in the dream you have tonight… provided of course, you have one. Judging on your poems, I feel like you will find this notion as an invasion of privacy. Therefore, this is an early apology. My sister has made it extremely clear that she wants me to observe this phenomenon that is these prophetic dreams, as it turns out you were correct with your accusation of one poorly dubbed ‘Saint’ Diamond Heart.
Fuck. And here I was hoping that I was wrong about that.
Hopefully this time, it is something that my sister would not find as distressing… It was quite a horrific sight in that room. The devices in there… we wouldn’t even use such torture devices a thousand years ago, yet she had them for pleasure? And why was there a trombone in there? I just… I should drop such disturbing thoughts. The fact is, after this discovery of your orphanage founder’s secret life, my sister went immediately to her room. As of writing, she is still crying.
... She’s crying? I… I made Princess Celestia cry? This… isn’t making me feel happy, right now. I was kind of hoping this letter was suddenly dropped here to make me happy.
Do not despair, however. Because both Twilight and Doctor Brainstorm have gave me some good news to give you. First, from Twilight about your horn; she has received the blueprints from the Oatstralian Prime Minister, Beer Broth. She says she will start to analyse Rain Coat’s plans after the Princess Summit. Along with finding a way to annul the adoption without causing a media backlash... Speaking as somepony who today still gets called Nightmare Moon by bigots, I can say backlash is something to avoid.
Yeah, good call, your highness. What about Doctor Brainstorm? What good news has he got for me?
Your psychologist, during his meeting with me today, has revealed some information about your arrival at the orphanage. He has found contacts that have been working there that night who have seen a filly figure drop off a basket...
Someone saw my mom leave me there? Did they give a description? Caught her cutie-mark? Anything?
… a basket with two foals in it.
I don’t give a shit about the basket! Did they see my m…
Two foals? Does… Does that mean I have…?
You have a sibling. Now there is little to no record on this other foal; not even the gender was written down. This, according to Brainstorm, indicates that they have been adopted quite quickly and in turn, knowing that lack of documentation is natural for adoptions for unicorns, they could be the link that confirms your paternal lineage to magic.
I hope this news makes you have a great dream… I can say with great confidence you deserve one.
Signed, Princess Luna. (Please don’t call me your grandmother, you’ll make me feel old.)
… Sorry, do you mind if I read a certain sentence again?
You have a sibling.
One more time?
You have a sibling.
Is that phoenix back again, or is this sentence making me feel warm? Just those four words, saying I am a brother of somepony! This is… This is…
This is too good to have ink on my face for. I am washing this shit off!
“Hey, Owlo?” I ask the feathered being beside me. “You don’t mind if I call you that, right?”
He bows. I think that means he’s cool with it.
“Why don’t we leave that letter to Twilight ‘til the morning? I feel like I’m too happy to write about sudden things right now.”
He nods in understanding as he heads to the window. Off to get a snack before sleeping, I assume.
“Good night!”
“Hoo!” he replies as he flaps into the night.
I run upstairs and wash my face and jump into bed. Nothing is going to stop me having a good night’s rest after that. Nothing. NOTHING!
DRYCOAT
Hey My Little Angel,
I know this is quicker than the usual reply, but we got a letter from Princess Celestia requesting we go to Canterlot. Some predicament in Saint Diamond Heart’s… I hope it’s not what I’m think it’s about. You know… trombones.
Anyway, we’re taking the cart to the city, so we might drop into Ponyville in a few days.
So about Auntie Rain… I got the news this morning. I’m sorry that you had to find out the way you did. It was a little mean for this new friend of yours to be blunt about it. He’s not the same Woundsalt I think it is, is it? That one from the art magazine Tavi likes? I heard he doesn’t talk to other ponies very often, and… Well, he lived in an orphanage for most of his life. I don’t think he understands how truly valuable family bonds can be, even if said family member is all the way in Darwhinny. I think you should forgive him, anyway. I know for a fact that he’s suffering about it too. He’s the only pony alive diagnosed with CMC now… I can’t imagine how it felt for Aunty Rain, and I definitely can’t imagine how it feels for him.
Besides… He didn’t really tell you how she died, did he? If anything… I think that’s his way of sympathy. Or that he has no idea, which is bad for him. He should know.
Now sweetie, you know how she predicted the Canterlot Flash Storm of ’83? I know you love that story… besides from the ending. She kept beating herself up over it. She knew everything before it hit: The wind speed, the amount of rain, the casualties… The one casualty. She tried to save Grandpa Lab, she really did! But… the dreams have a hundred percent accuracy. No exceptions.
She wasn’t really the same afterwards. At least, not mentally. Do you remember me telling you off for laughing at her when she wrote us asking for a cup of penguin for her detachable horn project? Yeah, she wasn’t well, sweetie…
So she decided to go.
She went out the ‘Pegasi Way.’ I hate having to call it that, but it’s true; it’s the most common way for a pegasus to commit suicide. Fly up and then… stop flapping. I don’t know why she did in front of the Prime Minister of Oatstralia of all ponies, but I’m glad he sent his condolences.
Vinyl, promise me you’ll help Woundsalt whatever way you can, okay? Sure, he’s got the Elements of Harmony, but you are the only one there in all of Ponyville who has experience with CMC. If there is anyone he needs right now, it’s you.
We’ll see you the day after tomorrow. Good luck with your tournament, and remember sweetie… we love you, Rain loves you and KICK THAT GRIFFON’S ASS!
Dry Coat and Blank Canvas.xxx