//------------------------------// // 320. Chuck Norris (2) by Knight of Cerebus // Story: The Sun and the Stars: A Twilestia Prompt Collab // by Fuzzyfurvert //------------------------------// by Knight of Cerebus *** "Twilight Sparkle doesn't read books," Celestia happily reported, "she stares them into submission until they give her the information she needs." "One time." Twilight stressed with a groan. "Nightmare Moon checks her closet for Twilight Sparkle every evening." Luna offered smugly. Twilight's crimson face shrank further behind the book, her glower solidifying. "Once!" She hissed. "The bars in Tartarus aren't there to keep the villains in," Cadance's face held an aura of supreme gravity, "but rather there to keep Twilight Sparkle out." Twilight groaned a mighty groan. "Time passes because it's trying to get away from Twilight Sparkle." Luna smirked. "Twilight Sparkle does not sleep," Celestia began. "That one is true." Twilight sighed in relief. "She spends periods of time influencing the world with her sheer will alone to make mortals feel comfortable." "ONE TIME!" Twilight snapped, her book flying out from under her rising form. "I blow up a mountain battling one supervillain and suddenly it's all "Twilight did this to Tirek" and "Twilight made Tirek feel like this", and now it's like I can't go anywhere without hearing one of you break into these stupid, unfunny jokes! Is it too much to ask that ponies stop making me seem like some impossible being just because once--once--I got hopped up on our combined magic and blew up some rocks and your average bad guy with it?!" Twilight seethed, panting herself into a more stable, calm variation on her righteous fury. "It's alright, Twilight," Cadance gave a devilish smile. "I know how we can make Celestia stop cracking them, at least." She gave an aside glance to Luna, who nodded and turned to look at Celestia with a gaze not unlike a wolf cornering an elk. Celestia only raised an eyebrow. "Twilight Sparkle once paid a visit to Equestria's Virgin Princess." Luna spoke with diabolical glee. "She is now "The Princess"." Celestia swallowed hard on nought but air, devolving into a set of wheezing coughs. Twilight, for her part, had to give a nervous giggle. "Princess Celestia has to cast birth control spells before Twilight Sparkle enters the palace, for fear she may grow pregnant simply upon hearing the sound of her voice." Cadance smirked. Celestia's coughing fit continued, and Twilight turned crimson, but broke from giggles into laughter. "Twilight Sparkle can make Celestia's tail raise by idly thinking about her." "Princess Celestia sometimes screams Twilight Sparkle's name out simply by thinking about her." "That one is true!" Twilight blurted out between giggles. Celestia's coughing fit ended in a mortified cry. "The War Between The Two Sisters happened because I realized that, some day in the future, my sister would have the chance to bang Twilight Sparkle and I would not." "Twilight Sparkle can put Celestia in heat by walking past her." "Celestia needs a cold shower every time Twilight Sparkle's name is mentioned in her presence." "Twilight Sparkle can put Celestia in motions with a flick of her wing." Twilight offered. She turned to Princess Luna. "Twilight Sparkle can make Princess Luna worship her own moon." And then at last to Cadance. "Princess Cadance married Shining Armor because the intensity of pure Twilight Sparkle was too much love for her to handle." The entire table fell silent, staring at the pony in question. Twilight tilted her head. "What? Only you three are allowed to make stupid jokes about me?" Twilight grabbed her book, summoned a pair of sunglasses and added a cocktail for her to sip lazily to her summon at the last moment. "I'm Twilight-roundhouse-kick-Sparkle. I do what I want." And that was the day when the three Princesses of the court--to the great relief of Twilight herself--decided Twilight Sparkle jokes were no longer funny.