Crouching Gossamer, Hidden Pretzel
My life flashed before my eyes.
A shame it wasn't much of a life.
The outlaws advanced on me, bloodlust in their eyes. All the while, the bar patrons (the fat cowards) pretended there
was nothing going on. Yes, my hash was about be settled. I cooked my pretzel and was about to cash in my chips.
My synonyms for death were about to dry out when Sheriff Gossamer and Woody sauntered in.
Now I know I'm going to die, I grimly thought. The Bloodhooves and Big Oil turned their attention to Gossamer.
"What's all this then." He had the nerve to ask.
"Big Oil was makin' advances towards me, sheriff!" Clementine said, her normally cool demeanor becoming frayed.
"Now, now sheriff." said Big Oil, with all the sincerity of an insurance salespony. "Is it against the law to admire such
equine beauty, such as the lovely Clementine here."
Gossamer had to think on that one for a minute. Maybe Big Oil should have used smaller words.
"No, I guess not." Gossamer conceded.
"And my boys here, well they were just protectin' me from the wrath of this here maniac."
"Now, hold on there!" I yelled, becoming fed up with this travesty of justice. The largest member of the Bloodhooves
took a step towards Gossamer.
"Yeah, sheriff. We weren't doing anything wrong. Just lookin' out for the boss." said the stallion.
This stallion kind of frightened me. He was huge (well huge in a relative sense, not that he was a fifty foot giant) and
muscular with a dark reddish brown coat. On his muzzle grew an impressive handlebar mustache as black as his
mane. All in all, this pony was what I expected a Bloodhoof to look like, a pony who could eat a whole wagon in one
bite. I was surprised Gossamer didn't hightail it and ran but, to his credit, faced down the monster.
"I heard about you through the grapevine," said Gossamer, not letting any type of fear into his voice. "RedRum
Hattrick."
RedRum Hattrick just smirked. "I think my reputation proceeds me, eh sheriff."
"I heard you killed six lawponies."
"Now sheriff, that heresay.", said Big Oil. "Those ponies probably just slipped in the shower." How come I didn't believe
him. To their credit, the patrons, Gossamer, and even Woody didn't fall for it.
Hattrick lit up a cigar and blew smoke in Gossamer face. A chuckle escaped his lips.
"Of course, we could handle this the manly way, sheriff."
"Bring it, RedRum!"
"It already been brought, sheriff!"
"A shame you forgot the receipt!"
"Ah'm plannin' on getting store credit!"
"Oh, justice doesn't give out store credit!"
"Ya'll sure?"
All right, time to nip this foolishness in the bud. I stood between the two stallions, since I had an IQ greater than six.
RedRum and Gossamer, in all of their testosterone fueled stupidity, were still trying to face each other down.
"Gentlestallions, please behave yourself, we have ladies present." I said, feeling a little proud of myself for defusing a
problem without violence.
"Ya'll mean one lady and one brute." Big Oil sneered. Thanks for harshing my mellow, fatass! Red Rum and Gossamer
separated and "went back to their corners", as it was. "Sheriff, ya'll still have ta do something on the pony that accosted
me."
Gossamer frowned and shook his head.
"In the name of the town of Sweetwater, I, Sheriff Gossamer, place you under arrest." The drunken rabble breathed a
sigh of relief (YOU FOUL SMELLING COWARDS!) and went back to their drinking. Woody, in a show of
competence, was the one to "collar" me. He placed the chain and collar around my neck as Gossamer
read me my rights. I (strangely enough) handled everything quite well...because I was in shock.
"I'm a criminal. I'm a criminal. I'm a criminal..." I repeated over and over in a daze. Clementine ran over to Gossamer
and Woody as they escorted me out of the Pussycat.
"Please Sheriff Gossamer," pleaded Clementine (bless her). "She ain't done nothin' wrong 'cept hit that skunk who
was tryin' to molest me." Nerves started to creep in on Gossamer as he started to sweat profusely.
"I-i'm sorry...Clem.", he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "It's my duty."
"Ya'll alike!", snorted Clementine. "You and Big Oil!" And with that, she bolted up the stairs and locked the door to her
room. Hurt was written all over Gossamer's face as hung his head and led me away. All the while, Big Oil's laughter
echoed in my ears.
"That's what ya'll get, missy! Bwahahahahahaha!"
It's official. Big Oil is worst pony!
We arrived at the jail house as the sun was going down in the east.
"Um...", I said, dreading jail time. "Will I have to share a cell with Teetotaler?"
"Nope.", said Woody, with that dumb smile on his face. "Ya'll sharin' it with her."
"Her?"
In the cell sat a pony that certainly didn't fit it with the usual degenerates and drunks that graced these halls.
The mare was a quite well dressed unicorn, despite giving an air of sleeze. She just sat there, flicking her well
groomed mane.
"Well, sheriff.", she spoke. "Got me a cellmate?"
"In ya'll go, Miz Poem." said Woody as he filed me into the cell. I took a good long look at my cellmate. She had
a silky white coat that rivaled even Clementine's. Her magenta (or some shade of red, perhaps mauve) was well
curled.
"So I bet ya'll pissed off Big Oil sumthin' fierce, huh Hon." my unicorn cellmate sneered.
"Listen, you...you..."
"Easy, hon. I'm on your side. Big Oil got me tossed in here too."
"He has, miss...er...miss..."
"Bellpepper. Bellpepper Blossom."
"What exactly did you do to Big Oil to get tossed in here?" I asked.
"Big Oil's "boys" were tryin' to mess with my "girls"."
"Oh, that too bad. I hate it when bullies push around hard working..." It suddenly dawn on me. Yes, even I can have
my stupid moments. "So I take it you're a..."
"That's right, sugarcube. I run Bellpepper's Bordello. THE finest whorehouse in all of Equestria."
Great! I'm locked in here with a pimp!
"Sooo, you're a..." I couldn't even finish my sentence, lest I die of embarrassment.
"A madam. That's right, sugar. Betcha want to know about the Bloodhooves."
Not only she's a pimp, but she's the exposition pimp? It's official. I hate this town!
"Well, hon. There are five Bloodhooves."
No! Really?!
"Ya'll met RedRum Hattrick. He was a former sheriff and as crooked as they come."
"Can I ask you just one question before you continue, Bellpepper?" , I asked.
"Shoot!", she said, which is ironic considering my question.
"What are those weapons the Bloodhooves used?"
"They're called firearms, hon.", said Bellpepper. "They get them from the Griffin Empire."
"Well, I guess that kind of makes sense, with the griffins having digits and all."
"Also, have you noticed that most of the Bloodhooves are unicorns."
The thought kicked me in the head like a donkey. Come to think of it, I was too busy being shocked and
awed to notice Redrum's horn. Unicorns just don't get that hefty.
"Like I was going to say, sugarcube.", Bellpepper said, continuing her story. "There are five Bloodhooves.
You all ready met the first."
"Redrum.", I muttered. How can he NOT leave an impression. Unless you're blind in one eye and the other
one's glass.
"Next, is his brother, Slim. A little skinny feller."
I didn't see him due to the walking solar eclipse that is his brother.
"The third is Tobasco. The meanest pony this side of the west. He gets worse when he's mad."
If he's a Bloodhoof, won't that already make him ONE of the meanest ponies. Really, the others don't sound
like Filly Scouts to begin with.
"Fourth is Crazy Eyes. Well, because he has crazy eyes. He's also a crack shot."
Wouldn't being called Crazy Eyes make you a bad shooter. I mean the name "Crazy Eyes" doesn't scream
20/20 vision.
"And the last is Black Magic. He studied magic all over Equestria."
"Well, that doesn't sound like a bad..."
"He killed all his teachers. Brutally."
Yes. Sounds like an apple giving, straight A student there.
"Why hasn't they been arrested yet?", I said, dreading the eventual answer.
"'Cause Sugar, the law is either in Big Oil's pocket or...well you seen Gossamer." Bellpepper shook her head
grimly. I wanted to stick up for Gossamer, I really did. But the only thing good about him is he's honest.
Woody walked towards the cell.
"You ladies are free to go.", said Woody, with that idiotic toothy grin of his. Bellpepper sashayed out of the
cell, swinging her hips in a somewhat sexual manner.
"So, the usual paid my bail?", she said.
"Yep, they sure did."
"Well, I gotta open up the doors for tonight. Later, honey."
"Wait a minute.", said Gossamer, coming up from behind his desk. "Your bail has been paid but I still have to give
you the "You Been Naughty" speech." And for the next twenty minutes (twenty long agonizing minutes) Gossamer
given a speech on how a mare should conduct herself. I actually wanted the Bloodhooves to rush in and gun us
all down in order for him to stop. When he finished, Bellpepper just rolled her eyes and left. Goodbye, Exposition
Pimp, till we meet again.
"Um...did anyone pay my...", I said, not wanting to be in here another second.
"Yes, Mister Shotglass did.", Gossamer said. "But first..."
"Not the speech!", I groaned like a petulant teenager. Instead, Gossamer threw himself at my hooves, looking up at
me with pleading eyes. Oh, I know I wasn't going to like this.
"Pleeeeease, help me, Miss Poem!", whined Gossamer. "I love Clementine and...I...I..." The fool started palpitating
like he was having a baby.
"Did you give her the love poem you...er...I wrote?"
That stupid pleading look on his face said it all. Mentally, all I did was smirk. I mean, one less romantic rival for me
and Clementine wouldn't touch Big Oil with a ten and a half foot pole. But my conscience (the little winged bastard)
got the better of me again. I did the only thing I could do at a time like this.
SLAP!
"Get it together, you lily livered, flower sniffing pansy!", I yelled in the most authoritative voice I could muster. "Are
you a stallion or a mouse?!"
"Got any cheese.", sniveled Gossamer.
SLAP!
"Meet me outside the Prancing Pussycat in twenty minutes! And you'd better show up."
The twenty minutes flew by (since there was no moralistic drivel involved) and Woody showed up with a shaking,
whimpering Gossamer. I rolled my eyes, shoved Woody into a water barrel (so I wouldn't have to smell him) and
took my place behind a nearby bush, grabbing Gossamer by his vest.
"Listen, you little pissant!", I growled through my teeth. "You are going to repeat everything I say! Got it!"
A wide eyed Gossamer nodded. He tossed a few pebbles at Clementine's window, each one making a plinking sound.
PLINK!
PLINK!
PLINK!
On the third plink, Clementine threw open her window and spying only Gossamer (due to Woody being in the barrel and
I being in the bush, out of earshot).
"What are you doin' 'round here this time of night, Sheriff?", asked a sleepy Clementine. She looked even more alluring in
her nightgown. I could see why Gossamer and that pervert, Big Oil were so smitten.
"I...er...ee...um..."
"I came to see you, my dearest Clementine.", I whispered from behind the bushes. Gossamer's knees stopped knocking
for at least two seconds, a record for him.
"I-i you to see...I came to see you, my dearest Clementine!" bellowed Gossamer, his voice cracking while doing so.
"Me?"
"Er..."
"I always loved you from afar, my angel of the west."
"I-i always loved you from afar, my a-angel of the west!"
"I have been trying to voice my feelings for a long time."
"I-I-i have been trying to voice my feelings for a long time."
Woody popped out of the barrel and with a smirk pulled out a guitar (where he hid it I had no idea). He then started to
play and to my surprise, he was pretty good. I guess he can do more than take up space and stink.
"My gentle cactus flower, my honeybee, my goddess."
"M-my gentle cactus flower, my honeybee, my goddess."
Clementine started to swoon a little. At that moment I knew I lost. I held back tears as I fed Gossamer his lines.
"The moonlight stands as testament to your beauty."
"The moonlight stands as testament to your beauty."
"Oh, Sheriff...I...I mean this is all so sudden."
Gossamer then started to get bold and ad lib.
"Yes, my love. We are two halves of a broken cookie, tasting good either separate or apart."
"Er..."
I wanted to run from behind the bush and slap him again but I decided to stay put...for now.
"So come to me, my little half cookie and we can be whole!"
"Oh, Sheriff..."
"Please call me Gossamer."
The big ham's teeth glinted in the moonlight. Yes, the greatest lovers in history have nothing to fear from Gossamer,
the pastry chef of love. Woody was actually overcome with tears while I just groaned. Really, at least try to stay on
script! Gossamer climbed up a ladder that was on the side of the Pussycat to Clementine's window.
"Well, what say you, my little cookie?"
"Why don't you say some more sweet nothings in my ear...Gossamer.", said Clementine in the sexiest voice I ever
heard.
Gossamer's brain (as such as it is) finally kicked in. How could he say sweet nothings without his "drama coach".
That's what he gets from going off script. As I was enjoying watching Gossamer squirm, I could feel hot air down
my back. I did not like where this was going.
"That's not you, is it Woody?"
Yes, I knew it wasn't him but fear makes ponies stupid, alright. Woody pointed a shaking hoof at a large figure behind.
"C-C-C-C..."
"Don't tell me."
"COYOTE!"
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ME!"
"RUN AWAY!"
Me and Woody ran with the coyote in hot pursuit. Gossamer then took the chance and kissed Clementine to distract her
from us being mauled. We ran all through the desert, with the coyote on our heels. Suddenly, we couldn't see the coyote
anymore.
"What a stroke of luck! He's gone!"
"Um, Miz Poem."
"What Woody?"
Woody just pointed to the ground that we weren't on anymore. At that moment, gravity decided to kick in. Me and
Woody fell straight into the gorge below but luckily something broke our fall, a cactus grove...and the coyote. We
were back at square one (sans being full of cactus needles). Throughout the night, we ran from our relentless
pursuer.
"DOES HE EVER GIVE UP?!", I screamed to the unforgiving universe.
"Watch out for that..."
I slammed straight into a cactus. There were a lot of "I wishes" that night. Like, I wish I hadn't hit that cactus or I wish
there wasn't a bee hive on that cactus and I wish said bee hive didn't fall on my head. Of course, it wasn't meant to be.
Now, me, Woody, and the coyote were on the run from a swarm of EXTREMELY angry bees!
"Not our night, eh Miz Poem!", said Woody.
"Woody.", I said in a calmly psychotic tone of voice.
"Yes, ma'am?"
"SHUT UP!"
We arrived back at town at sunrise, full of cactus needles and bee stings. Our coyote "friend" had gotten tired an hour
ago and left (and they say coyotes are stupid). Gossamer was standing in front of the jailhouse, happy as a lark.
"Oh, happy, happy, happy day!", he beamed. "Guess what happened, Miss Poem?"
"What.", I said, flatly.
"Clementine wants to go out with me! Isn't that great! And I was scared for nothing!"
All Gossamer got from me was a kick in the face as I stormed back to the Pussycat, hungry, tired, depressed, and in
pain. I was soon met by a panicing Shotglass.
"PRETZEL!", he screamed in hysterics. "GET TH' SHERIFF!!"
"Wha' happened?", I said, wearily.
"Th' Bloodhooves! Th' Bloodhooves got my Clem!"
Shotglass thrust a badly scrawled note into my face.
Dear Sheriff
If'n ya'll wants ta see Clementine again. Come to Deadpony Gulch. We be awaitin'
Redrum
Bad spelling aside I knew this note meant trouble. It got to be a trap. Unfortunately, I made what will be forever known
as Mistake #1.
"Where's Deadpony Gulch?", I said.
"To th' east. Why?" I suddenly sped off in that direction.
"Tell Gossamer to meet me there! I'm going to help Clementine!"
And with that the biggest fool in Equestria, me, went towards certain doom.