All Is Well That Ents Well

by gcwg57

The Norwegian Hobo

Ah, Dragoncon. It’s one of the few places on earth where being stuck on an elevator with two Ferengi, Ichigo, and a Nordic man wearing nothing but a large bear-skin loin cloth, snowshoes, and a bow and quiver, is actually quite normal. I myself was poorly cosplaying as Richard from “Looking for Group”. It was kind of a last minute thing where one of my friends got the bright idea of; let’s all cosplay as people that share our first name, and when your name is Richard that doesn’t leave many options.

After anxiously waiting six more floors, the Ferengi and Ichigo got off and went their separate ways. This left me alone with a strange snow hermit that would not stop staring at me. The minutes went by as the excruciatingly slow, hotel elevator made its way up to the 30th floor. Now as most people who have been stuck on an elevator with a total stranger know, for some unknown reason as a culture we are compelled to strike up a conversation.

Now, with me knowing a decent amount of Norse Mythology, I noticed the Norseman’s cosplay resembled that of Uller the Norse God of Winter. Finally after a moment of consideration for what I was about to do, I opened my mouth to question if my theory on his cosplay was correct, but just as the first breath excepted my lungs; Hermit Northman beat me to it and asked probably the most random thing that he could,

“Do you perchance watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?” the strange man asked without batting an eye.

“Umm… Yes.”

“Oh good! In that case, I have another question you.”

“Ok, fire away.” At this point I decided to just explain the new level of strangeness in my situation with, the cosmic forces that be having some fun.

“If you could go to Equestria right now, would you?” the man promptly retorted.

“Well, I can’t answer that question.” The man jerked his head towards me with a quizzical expression frozen on his face.

“And why can’t you answer it?” The man retorted again.

“You haven’t given me enough information to make a solid judgment.”

“Well, what else do you need to know?”

“A number of things. For one, when I get there will I be a human, a pony, or something else entirely? If I become a pony, what kind would I be? If I’m something else, than what? Would this be a one way trip, or would I be able to come back to Earth? Would I be going to the cannon Equestria observed in the show, or would it be an alternate universe? In the event of the later, what would be different? Lastly, and probably most importantly, for what purpose could anyone possibly have for sending ME of all people to Equestria?” By now the Viking man was giving me a sly grin that both said

“I’m proud of you son” and “I know something that you don’t, but I’m not going to tell you what it is.” There was an awkward pause while Ron Snow contemplated how to respond. It was in this time that I looked out the glass elevator and noticed that we had barely moved up half a floor. Now the elevators in the Marriot Hotel are notoriously slow, but this was just ridiculous. Before I could question talking to the manager about their inefficient vertical transport system, Old Man Frostbite piped back up.

“You would be something completely different, but you don’t know what until you get there. However you do know that it is powerful. There is a way back home, but you’ll have to work for it and for all intensive purposes you should treat this as a one way trip. The universe would match current cannon but that doesn’t mean that it’s all rainbows and harmony. As for the reason…” The Norseman paused and gave me another toothy grin before speaking up again.

“A mysterious old man is sending you on an epic quest for glory, fame, and the magic of friendship. Is that enough info for you, Richard?”

‘First off, is he calling me by my cosplay name or does he somehow know my real name. Two, this is starting to sound like a Final Fantasy Game.’ While I thought of a response, I decided to look out the elevator to check our progress. To my surprise, we had only gone up another half floor since the last time I checked; then I noticed something else. Not only was the elevator moving slowly, but the entire con seemed to be in slow motion. The usually bustling crowd was now almost frozen in time. I glanced up towards the Norseman only to be greeted with the same daunting grin.

“Well” I began but more wary than before. “If I’m going on an epic quest than a new more powerful form is suitable. There are a lot of people that would miss me, but I’m pretty sure that if someone had the power to send me to another dimension and slow down time; they can also make it appear as though I never left.” This was directed straight towards the increasingly perplexing being in front of me, to test the theory that somehow he was slowing down time.

His smile shifted to a sportsmanly one that you would give an opposing team after a good game. This was the first time I really looked at him, and I mean REALLY looked at him. His shoulder length blonde hair, despite being an unruly train wreck, seemed to billow lightly in an imaginary breeze. His ice blue eyes seemed to twinkle with youthful adrenaline, while still having an unfathomable depth of wisdom to them. To top it all off, his entire being seemed to glow in a fluctuating aura that spanned the entire light spectrum. He practically emitted regality to which the effect was most humbling. When the man spoke again his voice had taken on an almost ethereal quality which resonated with his deep baritone.

“Your assumption is correct Richard. If you accept this offer I will make it so that you might as well have never existed in this world. That is, unless you succeed in your mission; in which case you will be delivered right back to this time and place.”

“Let me get this straight. You are implying that you are Uller the Norse God of Winter and you want ME to go on some extremely dangerous and mysterious quest in a fictional world of technicolored ponies?”

“Yes that is exactly what I’m implying.”

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Richard’s brain has reached an error. Please restart program with the correct coding.

“I have two questions.”

“Go on.”

“First, why?”

“You’ll have to do better than that Richard.”

“Why me?”

“Let’s just say you have certain traits that I approve of, such as your pre-existing knowledge of me.”

“O.K. second question. What’s in it for you?” this question made him chuckle a bit, as though he was laughing at an inside joke that I wasn’t part of.

“I suppose you’re allowed to know.” He started off. “You see me and the other deities are playing a game of sorts. Each of us picks someone to represent ourselves in order to show our power. Richard, I choose you.”

It suddenly all made sense. Uller is one of the most powerful gods in Norse Mythology next to Odin himself. He has even taken Odin’s place as ruler of Asgard when he is not fit for duty. Despite this, he gets little recognition for his efforts due to the fact that he is barely mentioned in the Norse Sagas, where we get most of our knowledge of Norse Mythology. He was merely trying to get some recognition for once in his life.

“I accept.” Uller gave a devious grin. “Under one condition.” He looked at me quizzically and asked,

“And what may that be?”

“Whatever you turn me into, I want to still have hands, or another appendage as long as it’s dexterous” He chuckled again.

“I think I can do that for you.” With that statement he grabbed his bow off his back along with an arrow from his quiver. He notched the arrow and aimed it straight for
my heart.

“This won’t hurt a bit.” He said before losing the arrow. I had time for one thought before the arrow impaled my heart and I blacked out.

‘Dafuq have I gotten myself into?’