//------------------------------// // Never Leave a Blue Pony Down // Story: Ernest Saves Equestria // by Emerald Harp //------------------------------// Without waiting for a reply, Ernest bent down and asked Pinkie, “Are you sure you didn’t say thumb wrestling?” The earth pony smiled and patted Ernest on the arm. “Don’t worry, Ernest, old pal. Pinkie has a plan. Now you go talk to Dashie. She has a few pointers about wrestling.” Before Ernest could protest, he felt a hoof around his neck pulling him down to face a rainbow-maned pony. “Okay, have you ever hoof wrestled before?” she asked. “Yeah, there was this one time when I was in prison. I arm wrestled this one guy and . . .” “Wait, wait, back up. You were in prison?” “I was framed. It all started when this guy Nash wanted to rob this bank I was working at. He wanted to switch places with . . .” Shoving a hoof into the human’s face, Rainbow Dash growled, “We don’t have time for this.” Still clamping Ernest’s mouth shut, she looked the sanitation engineer up and down. “I hope to Celestia you’re stronger than you look.” Letting go of the Troll Fighter’s face, she sighed. “Okay, since you’ve done something like hoof wrestling before, I’ll just cover the basics.” “Hey!” Both Rainbow Dash and Ernest looked over at Iron Will. “Time’s up. Get your tail over here and let’s do this.” “Give us a minute. He’s not done stretching,” the pegasus called back. Before the pegasus could utter a word of advice, a distinct country voice echoed throughout the bakery. “What in the Sam Hill is going on here now?” “Gargh!” Rainbow Dash wailed in frustration. “I’m trying to give Ernest some pointers about hoof wrestling.” Applejack raised an eyebrow at this answer. “Uh, why?” “Cause he’s gonna hoof wrestle that minotaur.” The blonde Earth Pony looked behind her and beheld Iron Will doing one-armed pushups to warm up. “Why?” she asked again. Before the pegasus could blow up in rage or Ernest could clumsily explain, Applejack held up a hoof and said, “Never mind. I’m sure Rainbow Dash got ya into this mess somehow. Ya want me or Big Mac to take care of ‘em?” “Yes!” That’s what Ernest wanted to say but was interrupted by a bell. DING, DING, DING. Pinkie Pie reappeared in the center of the bakery in a referee’s uniform with a microphone. “Fillies and Gentlecolts, welcome to the Sugarcube Corner Hoof Wrestling Extravaganza.” Only crickets greeted the pink earth pony’s announcement for a few seconds. That soon changed however. “Pinkie! What the hay are you doing?” screamed an irate Twilight Sparkle. Spike and Big Mac held back the Princess as she tried to struggle through the crowd of party goers. “Calm down, Twilight,” pleaded Spike as he held one of Twilight’s hooves. “Pinkie has a plan, doesn’t she, Fluttershy?” The yellow pegasus nodded hesitantly as she petted Rim Shot. “Yes . . . I don’t like it though, but if it saves Ernest from getting hurt . . . I’ll do it.” “Huh? What do you mean?” asked Twilight. As Spike explained Pinkie Pie’s plan to the princess, the Troll Fighter’s mouth had gone dry in fright. The pink announcer had taken to broadcasting the exploits of Iron Will to the audience, and there were many of them. Applejack’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “I didn’t even know a pony could bench press that.” Ernest laughed nervously. “Eh-heh-heh-heh, yeah that is impressive, but it’s not anything old Ernest P. Worrell can’t top.” Noticing everyone’s attention was on the minotaur, Ernest tried to slip away. As he tried to make his way to Rimshot and the egress, the rainbow pegasus flew up to him out of nowhere. She was nose to nose with the human when she asked, “And where do you think you’re going?” The sanitation engineer grimaced. “I think I left the heater going in my truck. I, uh, need to go check that out. I’d hate to set anything on fire that isn’t mine. You know what I mean?” “Get back in there!” The pegasus commanded as she pointed to the center of the bakery. Ernest’s rubbery face contorted in fright as he obeyed Rainbow Dash’s command. “And in this corner of the room,” yelled Pinkie Pie suddenly, “is the freakishly tall pony on stilts sporting a trendy, hairless minotaur costume! Yeah! It’s Ernest P. Worrell, the pony from Briarville!” The entire bakery erupted in applause for Ernest. Touched, the Troll Fighter waved back at his new fans, and a familiar swagger came back to his steps as he strolled to the arm wrestling table. However, as the Troll Fighter sat down, his new-found confidence evaporated as he looked at the ripped minotaur. Ernest swallowed as the huge creature sat down on his side of the table. The human tried to put on a tough face and said in a deep voice, “Alright buster, I’m gonna give ya one last chance ta back out of this. What do ya say?” Iron Will leaned across the table and snorted in the human’s face. “When they say back out, give them a clout.” Pinkie Pie gently pushed Iron Will back into his seat and said, “Alright boys, arms on the table.” As the two opponents made ready for their duel, Pinkie Pie turned around and picked Fluttershy out in the crowd of ponies and nodded. The shy pegasus mouth thinned into a hard line of determination as she made her way behind Ernest. Pinkie turned her attention back to the match. “Okay gentlecolts, on the count of three.” “Wait!” Ernest yelled frantically. “Is it one, two, three go? Or are we doing this like, one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi? Or . . .” “What’s a Mississippi?” asked Pinkie. “Enough stalling!” roared Iron Will distractedly. His attention seemed to be drifting to something in the crowd and back to Ernest. “Here we go, boys,” said Pinkie happily. Ernest felt a strong desire to urinate as Pinkie began to count. “Three, Two, One, go!” The human closed his eyes and put every bit of muscle into pinning the minotaur’s arm to the table. Iron Will didn’t budge, but neither was the minotaur using his great strength against the disguised human. If Ernest would have looked up at his opponent, he would have seen a completely petrified minotaur. The creature’s gaze was fixed on a pony in the crowd who was shaking her head disapprovingly, her piercing stare never deviating from Iron Will’s eyes. Fluttershy brought up her right hoof and slowly bent it at a ninety-degree angle. Iron Will imitated the pegasus motion, and seconds later the crowd erupted in explosive cheering. Ernest opened his eyes, and to his surprise, he had brought down the monster’s arm with his own. Iron Will shook his head as if awakening from a dream. He looked down at his arm, and to his horror, the pony imposter had won, but how? Iron Will’s thoughts were interrupted by the other stallion’s extremely annoying chuckle. “Eh-heh-heh-heh, sorry buddy. Looks like the suit stays on.” Still grasping the costumed pony’s hoof, Iron Will yanked the minotaur imposter out of his seat and across the table. “I don’t know how you won, but if I were you, I’d find myself another town to be in on Nightmare Night.” With that, Iron Will let go of Ernest and stormed out of the bakery. Before Ernest could even sigh in relief, he felt his hand being raised in the air by the pink pony. “The winner!” Pinkie Pie yelled. The ponies stomped their hooves in applause and chanted the human’s name over and over. Grinning smugly from ear to ear, Ernest flexed his arms to the crowd. Holding a microphone to her lips, Pinkie Pie asked the sanitation engineer, “Ernest, you just hoof wrestled the biggest, baddest, meanest, minotaur in all of Equestria and won. Tell the audience how you did it.” Speaking into the microphone, Ernest replied, “Well, Pinkie, both of these arms of mine are things of mass destruction. Where I come from, I have to get a permit for putting on a jacket because I am concealing deadly weapons.” In the crowd Twilight Sparkle, Spike, and a few other ponies guffawed loudly at Ernest’s comments. Spike laughed so hard Ernest’s ruined hat fell off his head. Fighting back a fit of laughter of her own, Pinkie asked, “Uh-huh, you seemed a bit nervous there before the match. Was that just pre-wrestling jitters?” Ernest waved his hand dismissingly. “Naw, that was me getting warmed up. I’ll tell you one thing though, I would have lost without the help of one pony.” Pinkie Pie glanced over at a now blushing Fluttershy as the pink pony asked, “And which pony would that be, Ernest?” The Troll Fighter looked at the earth pony weirdly. “Mr. Cake, of course.” “What?” Pinkie screeched into the microphone. Hearing glass shatter behind him, Ernest turned around to see Mr. Cake looking dumbly at him. The yellow pony had dropped a tray of sugary treats in utter surprise. Taking the microphone from Pinkie Pie, Ernest walked over to stand beside the now very nervous pony. “This man right here let me have a chocolate milk shake for free. Now during my match with that . . . mad cow thing, that was all I thought about. I knew win or loose, I had something good coming to me on the other side. It was the little nudge I needed to see me through.” After patting Mr. Cake on the back, Ernest walked back to the arm wrestling table and climbed on top of it. “If President Washington didn’t have his little nudge, then he would not have had the peace of mind to defend the Alamo against the Japanese.” The ponies began to look at each other in confusion as the costumed stallion continued to speak. “Or what if Stormin’ Normin’ didn’t have his nudge? Why, he might have led his war elephants against the Romans instead of the Spanish. Need I say more, ladies and gentleman?” The ponies stared blankly back at him. “Okay folks, the point is the nudge will get you through whatever life throws at you.” Looking right at Mr. Cake, Ernest said, “I’d tip my hat to you if it hadn’t got burned to a crisp.” The yellow pony smiled and mouthed the words “Thank You” to Ernest. Climbing back off the table, Ernest strolled over to Pinkie Pie and asked, “Any other questions?” “That was the greatest thing I’ve ever heard,” Pinkie said tearfully. After the hoof wrestling contest, the strange pony from Briarville was the toast of the bakery. Nopony had ever bested a minotaur at hoof wrestling in ages. For the next few hours, Ernest partied like he rarely had before, striking up many friendships in the process. At Pinkie’s request, Ernest awkwardly joined the ponies in dancing. As the human danced to a beat called the navigator, Rimshot chomped his master on the foot. The beagle had been waiting for Ernest to see him for the past ten minutes. “Ow! Oh, Hi Rimshot. You having a good time?” Ernest asked as he continued to flail his arms and legs. “I thought you were playing with Fluttershy.” The dog shook his head and yipped a few times. “It’s twilight already? We haven’t been here that long, have we?” Ernest looked up at a clock. “See, it’s only two.” Rimshot put a paw over his face in frustration and barked more slowly. Ernest stopped dancing. Another pony nearly crashed into him as a result. “Sorry, big fella, I’ll get out of your way.” “Eyup,” Big Mac growled as the human slipped away from the dance floor. Ernest knelt down to Rimshot and whispered, “Okay, what’s wrong with Twilight?” After Rimshot gave several rapid woofs and yips, Ernest replied, “Well, how was I supposed to know that was a piece of mail?” The beagle gave a soft growl. “I know, I know . . . but what do I tell her?” Before Rimshot could answer, his owner held up a hand. “Never mind. It shouldn’t be too hard to talk a Princess out a funk. After all, I am Ernest P. Worrell, counselor of the crowned, coach of the crushed, and . . . what’s another job that begins with c?” At this point Rimshot bit him again. “Ow, ow! Okay, I’m going. You’re pretty mean for such a small dog.” Twilight sighed to herself as she watched the other ponies dancing from her almost vacant table. She would have joined in, but ever since Ernest had read that private letter from Princess Celestia in front of everypony . . . Seated across from her was Spike. He was trying hopelessly to repair the hole he had burned in the center of Ernest’s hat with a piece of floss and a napkin. The alicorn looked over at her assistant and smiled sadly. “Well, Spike, you get an A for effort, but I think I would let Rarity look at it.” Spike looked at his handy work. “I don’t know. I think it looks better than before.” He didn’t sound convinced though. Spike set the hat aside and looked up at the Princess. “Why don’t you go ahead and join in, Twilight? You love this dance.” The pony shook her head. “No thanks, Spike. I don’t feel like it. I’m just ready for this party to be over with. I had enough for one day.” Before Spike could react, she put her head down on the table and covered her face with her hooves. She sat there for a few moments until she heard that irritatingly familiar voice. “You’re tired too, huh? I don’t blame ya. I haven’t partied like this since Vern had that Thanksgiving shindig back in eighty-five. I wonder if he’s still sore with me for catapulting a root beer filled pumpkin through his bedroom window.” Twilight sat up quickly and rubbed her eyes. “Oh, Ernest, uh. . . how are you? Are you having fun?” Ernest grinned at the Princess. “Well . . . I haven’t been kicked out, so it’s better than way over half the parties I’ve been to.” Looking down at his old burnt hat Ernest’s eyes grew huge in wonder as he picked it up. “Wow, Princess, I didn’t know you could sew. This looks amazing! The elaborate stitching, the superb texture, it’s . . . it’s . . .” “It’s Spike’s work, not mine,” Twilight finished. Ernest winced as he turned to the baby dragon. “Great job, Spike. Keep this up, and you’ll be rolling in the dough.” Spike scratched Rimshot behind the ears and beamed proudly at Ernest. “Hey, Spike. Could you do me a favor?” Ernest asked. “Sure.” “Could you show Rimshot where the restroom is? It’s about time for him to do his dog business.” Surprised, Spike looked at the beagle. “He can use a bathroom?” Ernest nodded. “Oh, yeah . . . but he needs help washing his paws when he’s done.” The dragon’s face darkened. He was about to ask why Rimshot just couldn’t go outside, but the dog started to whimper as he looked at Spike pleadingly. The little dragon sighed. “Oh, okay. But only because it’s your party day.” Turning to the beagle, Spike said, “Come on, boy, let’s go.” As the dragon and dog left the bakery, Ernest turned his attention back to the Princess. “Is this seat taken, your highness?” Twilight shook her head, amused at the human’s painfully awkward social skills. As the Troll Fighter sat down, he realized that he had no clue what to say to the alicorn to make her feel better. Noticing that Ernest was staring blankly into space, Twilight asked, “What’s on your mind?” The human blinked. “Wait a second; I’m supposed to ask you that. How did you know I was going to say that? Can you read minds too, Princess?” “No, Ernest, I can’t read your mind,” Twilight said patiently. Ernest nodded. “I wish you could. It would be easier to tell you how sorry I am. I didn’t mean to make you look bad earlier in front of all your subjects. I did the same thing back in school when my fourth grade English teacher made me read a love note I was composing in class. The girl beat me up after school. Um. . . well, I’d understand if you want to do the same. Would a punch make you feel better? Just don’t mess up my face too bad.” Twilight leaned back in her seat, “I’m not going to hit you. It wasn’t your fault. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna both rule Equestria. They bring up the sun and moon and have royal duties that are very important. I’m a Princess too, but the only thing I’m in charge of is the library here in town. I’ve saved both their royal hind quarters on more than one occasion, and all I get for it is a pair of wings and a title. I mean, I love the wings. But, I have no royal duties, no real subjects, and virtually no respect for being a Princess.” Giving a slight sigh, she continued, “And now on top of all that, I am the Princess of Panicking Over Ordinary Problems. I am the POOP Princess.” Ernest looked at the Princess thoughtfully when she finished speaking. “You know, your highness, it has been my experience that the ordinary problems are the ones that need the most attention, especially if you’re a janitor. One moment you’re trying to get a vacuum cleaner to work, and the next thing you know, you’re being chased by filing cabinets that want to run you over.” Twilight laughed, “Someday, you’re going to have to tell me how that happened.” Ernest shuddered, “It’s a long story that involves a lot of electricity.” Capitalizing on making the pony laugh, the garbage man continued, “Princess, I know how you feel. I’ve been there. I’ve seen the movie and bought the T-shirt. Take it from me, things will get better.” The human smiled. “I mean look at me. I was a janitor at a bank, but then I got a job as a sanitation engineer for an entire town . . . before I got fired.” The alicorn smiled a little at that. “And besides . . .” Ernest continued, “At the end of the day, you still have your friends. And this old Troll Fighter would be honored to be counted as one of them.” Twilight got out of her seat and gave Ernest a hug. “Thank you. Thanks for trying to make me feel better.” “Did it work? Cause I can keep trying. Old Granpappy Worrell once said, ‘Never leave a blue pony down.’” Letting go of Ernest, Twilight asked, “Did he really say that?” “Yeah, he was asleep when he said it, but I understand what he meant now."