//------------------------------// // XVII. Consolation // Story: Abandoned Memories // by Mika //------------------------------// It's been almost nine hours since you've come to your realization; that today is the day that you’ll meet with Sigmund, and you've done nothing but contemplate how your meeting would go. After Rainbow Dash notified you of completely sleeping through an entire day, you returned to your room. Rainbow Dash said that she would go back to sleep and that you should too, but after having slept for nearly 24 hours, you found it difficult. You sat on the edge of the bed and repeatedly attempted to predict how your conversation would play out, trying to imagine every possible response and question Sigmund would ask. Every few hours, you'd conclude that you've thought of every response, but another idea would spawn that caused you to dwell deeper into your predictions. This cycle of thinking continued until the sun began to shine through the small window in your room. It was then that you decided that it was time to leave. You lifted yourself from the edge of the bed, and headed towards the door. You placed your hoof on the door, but stopped yourself from turning the knob. You felt as if you were missing something. You turned away from the door and began scanning the room until your eyes settled onto your saddlebag. Damn, I almost left without my saddlebag! I'm becoming incredibly careless... You walked over to the saddlebag and slipped it on, returning the sense of security that you lost a few days ago. Having it rest on your back, you walked back over to the door. This time, you fully turned the knob and slowly pushed the door open a bit, allowing you to peer out into the hallway. Seeing nopony in sight, you exited the room and closed the door quietly. You didn't want to let Rainbow Dash know that you were leaving, even if it was only for a day. As the door made a distinctive click, you softly let your hoof fall to the ground and turned around to walk down the stairs. "Hey!" But that would have to wait. Rainbow Dash was standing directly in front of you, blocking the path to the stairs. Your attempts to avoid any sort of confrontation were in vain. Being a bit startled, you took a few steps back, distancing yourself from her. You swiftly tried to regain your posture and facetious demeanor. "Sorry, didn't mean to sneak up on you like that. I was just gonna check up on you to make sure you didn't sleep through another day again." How... Considerate. Her explanation seemed sincere, but you weren't about to deduce as to whether she was lying or not. You had much more important things on your mind, such as trying to find a way to explain why you were already up. Having only a few seconds to give a response, you tried to think of any sort of excuse, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. But your train of thought was interrupted by Rainbow Dash's voice. "You planning on going somewhere?" she asked, motioning towards your saddlebag. You turned your head towards your saddlebag and promptly returned your attention to Rainbow Dash, now trying to think of some response as to where you were going. I can't tell her the truth. But, how much 'does' she know? My previous theory about Sigmund and her working together was false. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't know about him. After all, she read my case file. She must have seen his name. But she wouldn't know my relationship with him. I'll just have to be vague enough until she stops. Just like any other moment you've tried speaking, you prepared yourself. You carefully selected your vocabulary and wording, took in a deep breath, and braced yourself for the worst. "I... I'm meeting somepony..." you murmured. It's becoming less and less difficult to speak with her. After giving your ambiguous response, she seem confused. You were afraid that this was going to happen. "You're meeting somepony? Where?" Persistent. Why, of all times, now? Why can't she just let me leave be? Regardless, I'll have to give her another answer. "In Manehattan." you replied, in the same tone as you did before. Without any delay, she responded with another question. "Who are ya meeting?" For the love of Celestia... Remember. Stay vague. That will be the only way you'll be able to leave. "A friend." you facetiously replied. Keeping up your meticulous habits, you carefully examined her facial expression, trying to predict what sort of response she would give. Her already curious look quickly molded into a puzzled figure. Her expression had indicated that another question was on the verge of her tongue. "What kind of friend?" she questioned, placing emphasis on the word, 'kind.' Why does that matter to her? Why does any of this matter to her? Either way, she won't leave me alone until I give an answer. Careful now. Keep your answer uncertain. "One that... Helps me relax." you murmured. Again, you studied her face, once more attempting to anticipate her response. Her confused expression immediately turned to disgust, as she retreated a few steps back and causing you to become perplexed. She opened her mouth and replied, "Ugh! You don't mean those kind of friends, do you?" At first, you hadn't the slightest idea of what she spoke of. But, as if she telepathically sent you her thoughts, the same level of repulse shot through you and you aggressively retorted. "N-no! Not that kind of pony!" you barked. The sickened look on her face disappeared, but a scowl appeared on yours. The idea that I would seek sexual gratification from a mare in Manehattan... Now, an awkward bout of silence had settled in. You averted your eyes, but you could feel her eyes upon you. You figured that she felt embarrassed about having suggested such an idea, as did you. You weren't sure what you had done that would have made her believe that you would do something of that sort, but you decided to be much more cautious about what you do and say around her, despite having agreed to give her a chance. The silence was broken a couple of seconds later, by Rainbow Dash. "So... If it's not THAT kind of friend, than what kind of friend is this pony?" Still asking questions... Even after that ridiculous question she had just asked? No. Enough is enough. She's not going to find out where I'm going. "Why does any of this matter to you?" you snapped, reverting your eyes back to hers, examining and readying yourself to foresee her response. Just as a scowl appeared on your face, a frown emerged on hers. "Hey, I'm just looking out for you! I said I'd help you out and I meant it!" The silence that was previously present surfaced once more, and the scowl on your face receded. A cold wind seemed to travel down your back, similar to what you experienced the previous night when Rainbow Dash awoke to you sneaking around her home. However, it wasn't because of fear this time. It was remorse. She's one of the two ponies willing to help you, and you've offended her. "Psychologist." you whispered. Despite having her full attention, she didn't hear you, as indicated by her response. Taking in and letting out a deep breath, you elaborate. "I'm going to Manehattan to see my psychologist, Dr. Sigmund. The last time I saw him was last week, and he asked me to meet him every week." So much for being vague... What if she's appalled by this? Having to meet with somepony to discuss how psychologically destroyed I am isn't something other ponies go telling others about, is it? Although, the stomach-churning pain of admitting this isn't present. "Oh. So, he's all the way in Manehattan? I guess we should get going then, huh? It's a pretty long trip, even by flight." Reflexively, you responded. "Yes, I know. I sh-" you began, but stopped, after realizing that she used the word, 'we.' "What do you mean, 'we?’" you asked. "I mean us. I'm going with you. Now, come on! We'd better leave now if we wanna make it." she said, trotting down the stairs, leaving you behind. I opened up and I tell her where I'm going and what I'm doing, and yet, despite all my efforts, she's still going to follow me. I should have just left through the window. Now, I can't even enjoy the short peace of mind I would have gotten from the flight- "Hey, are you coming or what?" you hear her shout from the bottom floor. Letting out an agitated sigh, you quickly kick yourself and walk down the stairs, seeing Rainbow Dash by the door. Before you can say anything to her, she leaps out the door, expecting you to follow. I don't have much of choice now. I'll just have to follow her. Walking out the door, you close it behind you and take off into the air with Rainbow Dash. She took off first with you following close. At first, it seemed as if it was going to be a silent flight. After a few minutes of silence, you let your thoughts flow freely. At least she hasn't said anything yet. Perhaps I can still enjoy the peace and quiet. It is comforting, knowing that she's going with me, to some extent I suppose. At least she hasn't done anything ultimately painful. Giving her a chance might be one of the more effective choices I've made. The silence continued for a couple of minutes, until Rainbow Dash broke the serenity of the moment. "So, what does a psychio... Psychia..." Annoyed by her naivety, you finish for her. "Psychologist." "Yeah. So, why do you have to meet with him?" Does she not know what a psychologist does? "He asked me to." you responded, keeping your facetious tone. "Well, duh. I get that much. I mean like, what's the point of going?" She cannot possibly be this oblivious. She's supposed to be the pony who can reveal my past to me! I'm starting to have serious doubts... "He's my therapist. He tries to help me recover from my... Conditions." Why do I have to explain this to her? She's read my case file. She should know all of this. Again, a silence was born between the two of you. This, having been the second time it has happened, you realized that it made Rainbow Dash feel uncomfortable as well, whenever the topic of your mental ailments came up. You weren't sure why it made her feel that way, but you were glad it did. The rest of the flight was silent. As the sun reached the midpoint of the sky, you finally arrived at your destination; Manehattan. Being in the city returned familiar feelings, albeit unpleasant ones. Feelings of hopelessness, confusion, despair, and anger slowly stirred up within you. They weren't powerful, but were more of a reminder of why you left the city. Being right outside the city limits, you hovered before it. Rainbow Dash entered the city, but stopped when she noticed you still hovering outside. "Hey! You okay?" she asked. Catching you in a state of half-consciousness, you simply nodded your head and entered the city. She slowed her regular pace to accommodate for your speed. "So, do you know where this place is?" "Not exactly... I've only visited once before. I have a general idea of where it is." you explained. No pain. There was no agony or anguish in speaking with her, just like when I talk to Sigmund. Have I finally reached the point where I can freely speak with her? I hope so. Sigmund would probably see this as an incredible milestone. A couple of more minutes of wandering finally lead to the Manehattan Medical and Psychiatric Institution. You landed before the steps of the building, ignoring everypony else around you, except for Rainbow Dash, who was right next to you. "Ugh, I hate hospitals. I can't stand being trapped and not being able to leave until they tell you to." she shared. Her opinion somewhat bothered you, because it was a form of a testament to your childhood. Story of my life. Again, you felt those previous emotions surging again, only for you to suppress them. Rainbow Dash helped you by gathering your attention. "So, are we going in or not?" she asked, half-trotting up the stairs. Although you were in a dazed state of mind, you heard her use the same word she previously used. There it is again. 'We.' I may have let her come with me to Manehattan, but I'm not about to expose her to Sigmund. I don't care what happens between us. She is not going in with me. It may be difficult, but I have to stop her. "Listen... Rainbow Dash." you spoke with empathy, a first. She stopped and turned to you, giving you her full attention from the stairs. Saying her name even feels familiar. "I appreciate you coming here, with me, to Manehattan, but... I need to see Sigmund. Alone." This may have been the first sympathetic sentence you've said to another pony in the past seven years. "But, I said I'd-" she began, but as she looked upon your callous expression, she complied. "Oh, alright. Just don't take too long, okay?" she requested. You simply nodded and walked up the stairs, passing her, to the entrance, surprised that she obeyed. That was... Much less stressful than I imagined. I would've thought that she would have bolted in there, without regard to anything I said. Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to judge her as a pest. Than again, she did look through my case files. Whether or not that was a good thing is an entirely different matter.. As you walked through the lobby, you saw multiple ponies waiting for something. As you approached the receptionist desk, you saw the same pony whom you yelled at a week earlier. The same pony who had lied about Sigmund's presence. She had not yet noticed you, for she was reading a magazine. As you approached the desk, she must have heard you approaching, for she began to speak, not bothering to put down the magazine. "Yes, how can I help y-" she began, but shrieked when she met you eye to eye. Before you could even open your mouth to ask for Sigmund, she began to speak again. "Ahh! Uh, D-Doctor Sigmund is down the hall, to the left! I'll p-page him for you!" Without bothering to change your blank expression, you take a similar path you had a week ago, returning a feeling of familiarity. You eventually came across a door, with the label, "Dr. Riley Sigmund, Psychologist" across the blurry glass frame in the door. At least she didn't lie this time. I suppose I can add her to my list of, "Ponies that see me as a Monster." You turned the knob on the door and entered, hearing a familiar voice. "Ah, hello" the pony said, stating your name, "I've been expecting you. Please, come. Take a seat." You comply, shutting the door behind you and walking over to the sofa in the room, taking a seat as he had asked. "Before we begin, I must ask. Did you frighten the receptionist? When she had paged me, her voice was a bit shaky, scared almost." he explained. Beginning to feel offended, you quickly defended yourself. "I didn't say a word to her. She gave one look at me and got scared. It’s not my fault. I had nothing to do with it." Sigmund laughed and began to explain himself. "No, please. You are not in any sort of trouble. I merely asked because she is easy to frighten and it is quite amusing." he chuckled. I fail to find the humor in any of this. "Anyway, please. Tell me, how has your week as been? Did you do what we discussed during our previous session?" he asked. Communicate? I did much more than that. "After I left, I stayed up the entire night. The next day, I did what you asked. I willingly communicated with another pony." you shared. "That is excellent. What did the two of you speak of, if I may ask." "We hardly did. She greeted me, welcomed me to... The town I was in. When she asked me for my name I..." Sigmund, being attentive, egged on. "You what?" I don't think he will appreciate me lying to ponies I don't even know. "I lied to her. I told her my name was one of the doctors at the old hospital." Sigmund stayed quiet for a second before he began to speak again. "Well, you communicated, and that is all that matters at the moment. Please, what else happened after that?" He didn't seem to care. Good. But I'm not sure if I should tell him about the... 'Party' incident. "After that, I continued to wander around the town. Eventually, I came across a group of ponies and I... It was too much for me. There must have been at least a hundred of them. I started to... Become lightheaded, so I tried flying away. But, a pony started chasing me." Sigmund's attention seemed to shift, and his nonverbal cues had told you to continue. I can't tell him about Rainbow Dash. If he finds out that somepony knows my past, he'll force her to reveal it to me. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to know about my past. "I... Eventually escaped, and for the remainder of the week, I remained isolated." you said, ending the discussion. As you looked towards Sigmund, he seemed unconvinced that that was all you had to share. "I see. Is that everything that happened?" he asked. I don't know if I should lie. My previous attempt at being vague ended up in failure. But, he's never been judgmental towards me. He's always been accepting of who I am. And, just like Rainbow Dash, he's one of the two ponies willing to help me... "No. I didn't escape at first. She kept chasing me until she pinned me on the ground. We struggled for a bit, but eventually I freed myself and escaped. But that night, I overslept, nearly throughout the entire day. The dream was different again, but, I didn't remember any of it. I woke up, and it was already night. After some time of aimless wandering, I eventually fell asleep again. Then, the... The dream of my parents returned, and I saw another pony. I knew what you wanted me to do, and I did. I communicated with her, and she bandaged my then-injured hoof. But, even after that, the dream of my parents returned again." you elaborated. Sigmund just sat there, interpreting everything you'd said, analyzing and trying to sum up your entire week. You still remained vague about Rainbow Dash, as you weren't sure how he would react. "Tell me. These ponies you encountered, they sound very familiar. I believe you told me about a similar incident last week of a pony, a yellow-colored one I believe, that bandaged your hoof, yes?" I told him that the last time we had met? Right. My amnesia. I had almost forgotten about it. How fitting. "Yes, the same one." "And speaking with the pony, did not suppress the dream, yes?" You nodded, and Sigmund continued to take notes on a small notepad he had on his desk. "I see. What about the other pony? The one that chased you? Does that pony have any significance to you?" Damn. I should have known he would have realized that. I shouldn't have been this ignorant. "Y-yes." you quickly murmured. "How significant?" he asked again, trying to get you to reveal the true nature of the pony. I don't want to tell him, but it brings me a sense of comfort doing so. I hope this isn't a mistake... "Very." you replied, staying ambiguous. Immediately, you regretted having given such a response. "Why is this pony significant to you?" he questioned. I have to tell him. I know he wants to help me, he'll do so if I tell him. "Because she knows about me... And my past." you responded. "And how do you know this?" he asked, almost brushing over the fact that you've discovered somepony who can reveal your past. What? How can he not acknowledge this? He's been trying to uncover my memories for years, and now he doesn't care? "She saw my Cutie Mark, and recognized it. Later, she called me by my name. And only you and her know my real name." Sigmund kept writing for a second before dropping the pen to speak. "Did anything else happen after that?" Is he ignoring the fact that I can have my memory revealed? "She... Coaxed me into going with her to her home, after I was convinced that she did truly know my past. When we arrived there... I can't remember why, but I had to take off my saddlebag. When I went back to retrieve it, she was there, reading the case files." "What did you do when you saw her reading it?" Sigmund calmly asked. He's ignoring it. I know he is, but why? "I... I ran away, but I knew she would find me. I wasn't sure how to react, though. I was angry, but somewhat relieved. It felt... Liberating that I didn't have to hide myself from her." Sigmund kept silent, but you continued to speak. "When she found me, she told me she wanted to help me, and a part of me wanted to believe that she could, but I stayed doubtful. At the time, I was frustrated and exhausted. But, i went back to her home, and slept in her bed. I overslept, through the entire day, and I woke up in the middle of the night. That was all that happened." This is, easily, the most I've ever spoken to anypony. The comforting feeling Sigmund told me would eventually come... I think it's finally here. Rather than despair and hopelessness, a new feeling, alien to you, emerged. It wasn't just hope. It was something you could only interpret as comfort. For the first time, you felt comforted. "It seems that you've had quite the eventful week. I'm glad that you've created a relationship with somepony else. It's a major step in the right direction for you. As for the oversleeping, I believe it is simply your subconscious mind coping with all the events of the week. I would imagine being surrounded by a hundred ponies can be quite stressful, as well as revealing your 'true' self to somepony, no less the pony who apparently knows your past. For the matter of the dreams, it seems that the pony who you've revealed yourself to has a great significance to you, allowing you to suppress the dream of your parents, which leaves room for other dreams to surface. Whether the dream is a memory or not, I cannot say. Although, it seems that it might be, and that your subconscious is trying to retrieve the memory in that manner. Now, for your memory..." Right. I knew this was coming. "Well, you see, the reason your memory is fragmented at best, is not because of any physical damage. If you remember, the operation we attempted to erase the memory?" You nodded, as a feeling of anger attempted to surface. "That only affected your ability to create new memories, and by the sounds of it, I'd say it has improved. Plasticity has most likely taken place by now." I haven't noticed. "But, the memories of your past are being repressed for some reason. And I believe that reason is because your subconscious mind is protecting itself from any more psychological trauma. That is why I would have preferred for you to have unveiled your past by yourself. So that you would be able to cope with any and all stress at your own pace. Now, I understand how it must feel to be at the cusp of learning your past, only to have me advise against it, so I won't. I strongly recommend that you learn your past, piece by piece. There is a reason why you cannot remember, and I cannot guarantee that you will be pleased with what you find. From what you said years ago, you did love your parents, and they were not abusive or anything of that sort, but there is only one way to find out, and that rests solely upon you. Learning your past all in one attempt might create stress that you will not be able to cope with. Attempt to start with the earliest memory, and build from there. Your memory will not simply be retrieved by being 'told' them. You have relive them, and only then will you truly know whether or not that what you are being told is in fact, your past. " You heard every word Sigmund said, but all of it was difficult to take in. Every dilemma you faced in the past week was cut down by a simple explanation. Every mystery, solved. If you knew how to express excitement, you might have. The most you could muster was a hopeful response. "Is it really that simple?" you muttered. "Well, I wouldn't say simple, but, I believe that we have finally established some form of a plan for your recovery." Is it possible? After all these years, is recovery finally in view? "Is there anything else you'd like to share?" After this conversation with Sigmund, something you had recently lost was retrieved; hope. The insignificant amount of hope you've held onto for the past week as invigorated. This was, arguably, the highest level of positive mood you've ever reached. The feeling felt unusual, almost unwarranted. Such a strange experience. This is supposed to feel pleasant, yet, why doesn't it? "N-no. I don't have anything else to share." "Very well then. Will you be leaving now?" he asked. "Yes." you replied, returning your facetious tone. You picked yourself up from the seat, and began heading towards the door. "Oh, before you leave, I must ask, have you remembered to take your medication?" "Yes." you bluntly replied. "Good. And remember, you are free to visit me whenever you wish. But, our next scheduled meeting shall be in a week's time." Sigmund reminded you. A sudden impulse spawned within you, to show gratitude. "Thank you, Sigmund. I'm... I'm starting to feel some hope for my future." you said, this time, adding empathy. You continued out the hallway, ignoring everypony in sight. I can't believe this. This may be the first time that I've ever held so much hope. After years and years of fruitless attempts at recovery, it's finally something I can envision. I never enjoyed having my hopes too high, because it has always ended in failure and misery. But now, I finally have a plan. I have something to be grateful for. I no longer have to fear sleepless nights, or never being able to remember my past. "Finally! I've been waiting for hours!" Rainbow Dash's voice pulled you out of your thoughts, and you found yourself on the steps of the Manehattan Medical and Psychiatric Center. I wonder... "Sorry. I didn't realize how much time I took." you apologized. Just like speaking with Sigmund. Effortless and painless. "So, how'd it go?" she asked. "Fine. But I'd like to return to..." The town's name escaped you once more. Damn. What was the name of the town? "Ponyville? Sure, let's go back." Ponyville. I should try to remember that. Rainbow Dash takes off into the air, and you quickly followed. Her pace was much faster this time around, but you managed to keep up. Minutes passed with complete silence, as you let the events of today sink in. However, Rainbow Dash broke the silence. "Hey, I'm getting kinda hungry. Wanna grab a bite to eat?" she asked. I'm not exactly hungry, but I suppose the interaction between myself and her will help ensure that the dream is suppressed. "Yes. I'm getting hungry too." "Alright, well, we’ll find something to eat in Ponyville when we get there." she responded. The two of you continued to fly for a few minutes until you reached Ponyville. Celestia's sun was now past the midpoint of the sky, somewhat hiding behind a few stray clouds in the sky. Besides the few clouds, the sky seemed clear of anything, but more importantly, of anypony. Rainbow Dash now began to lead you around the town, before slowing down near a peculiarly-designed building, seeming to be constructed of sweets and pastries. Hovering above the entrance, she turns to you and begins to speak. "Well, we could grab something to eat at Sugarcube Corner." she suggested. Sugarcube Corner? The names of the locations in this town... "You know what? That might not be the best idea. Pinkie's still kinda mad at you for leaving her party." Her reminder of the party incident made you quickly retreat from the building, not wanting to retrieve the memory of the agony you felt that night. Why would she bring me here, especially if she knows that, 'Pinkie' is still upset with me? "Come on, let's look for something somewhere else." she said, taking off again into the air. Again, you follow her, not sure of where she was leading you. You only hoped that it wasn't with any of the other ponies you had encountered in the past few days. Now overhead the town once more, you saw the terrain beginning to change, now consisting of various trees in an organized fashion, unlike the forest you lost yourself in. Rainbow Dash began to descend, and you willingly followed her. As you flew closer to the ground, you began to see that the trees were harboring apples, similar to the ones you had in your saddlebag. You heard Rainbow Dash murmur something to herself, but you paid no attention. The apples were taking up most of your attention. I suppose I could take a few. At least that way, I'll have enough to satisfy my appetite, if I were to become hungry in the middle of the night again. You brought yourself closer to the tree, positioning yourself right next to the apples. You opened up your saddlebag and reached for an apple, before tearing its stem. You calmly placed it in your saddlebag and promptly reached for another. As you wrapped the second apple in your hooves, it didn't seem to budge. Naturally, you pulled harder, causing a few of the branches to sway back and forth, and repeat the process. However, Rainbow Dash's voice cought your attention. "No, stop! What are you doing? Put those back, quick before-" You weren't sure why she was reacting to you taking a few apples, but it disturbed you. It was almost as if she was reverting back to how she acted before she recognized you. But it quickly became evident why she did. "Rainbow, are y'all takin' some apples again?" The voice was familiar but you couldn't match a pony with it. You knew where the voice was coming from, and you quickly turned your attention towards its general direction, until an orange pony came into your vision. "Oh, it's you. Ain't you that lyin', no-good pony that ran off on Pinkie's party?" she asked. It didn't help that the position you'd placed yourself in had you just about to reach for another apple. She hadn't mentioned Rainbow Dash, for she was just out of the orange pony's vision. You were the center of her attention, and you couldn't escape. Why is it that every other pony I encounter holds a grudge towards me? I thought speaking with the pink pony again would have been horrific, but clearly I was wrong. I need to say something to her! A lie. I need to think of something quick! You opened your mouth to begin to speak, but you had no idea what to say. You simply hovered there, mouth agape, like a fool. "And now you're here to steal some of my apples, huh? And don't even think 'bout runnin' off, ya hear?" Those familiar feelings of anxiety, agony, and misery started to return, reverting you back into a similar state you placed yourself in at the party. You couldn't speak and you couldn't feel your wings, despite them still flapping. Your breathing became heavy and you felt a lump form in your throat, only more-so preventing you from speaking. I can't even move! Please, just leave me alone. Please... "Well, what do ya have to say for yerself?" "He-hey, Applejack! What's up?" Rainbow Dash interjected. You quickly turned to Rainbow Dash, having forgotten that she was right next to you the entire time. "Rainbow? How long have ya been listening to us?" the orange pony asked. "Oh, no. I just got here! Anyways, I see you met my friend from Cloudsdale. Yeah, he's a real prankster! That whole 'fake name' thing was just another classic gag, haha! Totally hilarious and, woah, look at the time! We gotta go, AJ. Talk to you later!" she quickly spat out, almost incomprehensibly. You then felt her hoof grabbing yours, as she propelled the both of you into air, taking you higher and higher into the sky, until the both of you were out of the orange pony's range of vision. She... She saved me. She helped me escape. She defended me. She dragged you into the sky, now slowing her pace a bit and not having yet said a word until you reached her home. "Hey, sorry about that. I shoulda warned you about AJ and her apples. She doesn't like it when ponies just come and take 'em. Something about hard work and stuff." she sheepishly smiled. You couldn't care less as to why the orange pony yelled at you. You were just glad that she had taken you away from the mentally-stressing moment. "So, I'm not sure what to do now. I mean, I guess I could run out and find something for us. I don't think I have anything left in my fridge." She opened the door to her home and entered, and you promptly followed, closing the door behind the two of you. She didn't go further than the living room, waiting for you. "Alright, I'm gonna go out and see if I can find something. Do you want anything specific?" You shook your head, indicating that you weren't in favor of anything specific. "Okay, I'll be back A.S.A.P." And with that, she trotted to her door, and left you behind in her home, alone. This allowed you to fully analyze the situation you were in a few minutes ago. She lied to her friend for me. She lied to somepony she’s known for years, to protect me. How was she able to lie so easily? She had been there the whole time, lied about that, and said that it was only a joke, the whole alias act I put on to protect myself. I should have taken notes. But, she was there to help me. Had I gone alone, I'm not sure what would have happened. It would have most likely damaged my already-bleak reputation. She promised to help me, and she's done that so far. But, I don't think she understands the severity of my condition. She isn't acting sympathetic like any of the nurses had when I was in the hospital. She's behaving in a manner that makes it seem as if she thinks my ailments will just disappear on their own. Hell, she hasn't even bothered to mention my past to me! I need to explain to her just how serious this is. That will be the only way I can truly make her understand. You sat down onto the couch in the living room, your stomach now much more empty, as indicated by the growling. You tried to clear your mind, but you couldn't. Your talk with Sigmund comforted you, but you weren't sure how explaining yourself to Rainbow Dash would feel. You trusted Sigmund, and as much as you wanted to trust Rainbow Dash, you had an incredibly difficult time doing so. Only after she understood, and if she still wanted to 'help' you, could you do put any trust in her. You lazily let your head fall to the side of the couch, and your eyelids soon followed suit, shutting too. "Hey," Rainbow Dash yelled, calling out your name, "you still here?" You had slightly dozed off on the couch, but not quite to the point where you've fallen asleep. You groggily shake your head, and see Rainbow Dash, carrying a paper bag under her wing, giggling at you. "Come on, wake up. I brought us something to eat." In your blurry vision, you rubbed your eyes hoping that it would help clear your sight. You see Rainbow Dash trot off into the kitchen, and you pick yourself up off the couch and head over into the kitchen. "I brought us some bread, lettuce, cucumbers and stuff so we could make ourselves a couple of sandwiches. It should be enough for us for the week." she said, as she dumped the contents of the paper bag onto the table. You observed her, watching the various ingredients tumble out of the bag in plastic-wrapped packages. She tore off the plastic wrappings, and you simply watched her do so. I have to tell her, about everything, but she's too damn preoccupied with eating. I suppose I should just wait for a more appropriate time. "Well, go ahead. You can start making yourself one." You looked down towards the ingredients, dumbfounded as to what to do. The only food you've ever known was the vegetables, fruits and other sweets you were given at the hospital. But, you saw her began to form the sandwich, and you mimicked her, although clumsily. She began with two slices of bread, laid adjacent to one another. Then, she placed a few slices of lettuce, which you easily replicated. However, when Rainbow Dash began to cover the slice of bread in cucumber slices, you began to fumble them, spilling them around the bread, nearly always missing. Although you weren’t looking directly at her, you knew Rainbow Dash was staring at you. Without looking up, you pushed the spilled cucumber slices back onto the bread. Within a matter of seconds, you had completed your very first sandwich, although you didn't think much of it. Not wanting to expose your unfamiliarity with the situation, you began to eat your sandwich, filling your stomach and calming it. The sandwich itself wasn't anything special, just another means to satisfy your hunger. "Oh, and by the way," Rainbow Dash mumbled, as her mouth was nearly full, "I cleared your name with AJ and Pinkie, but Pinkie still wants to throw you a party." Luckily, unlike last night, you didn't have any food in your mouth when you heard the news that the pink pony, or 'Pinkie' as you now know her as, still wanted to throw one of her parties for you. She thinks I'm going to attend whatever it is 'Pinkie' has planned for me? I knew she didn't understand... "So what did you and your, uh, psy-uhh... Therapist talk about?" she asked. Having eaten only half of the sandwich you prepared, you dropped it on the table. You figured since she had shown some interest in what you and Sigmund had talked about, now was as good a time as ever. You knew it wouldn't be easy, but this would be the only you could make her understand. I need to find out exactly how much she knows. "If you really want to know, come into the living room." I can't tell her here, not in this damn kitchen. "Oh... Kay..." she responded, confused as to why you wanted to enter the other room. She stopped eating her sandwich and followed you into the living room. You placed yourself on the couch, mentally preparing yourself for what you were about to say. She stood next to you, waiting for your response. "Rainbow Dash... How much of my case file did you read?" "W-what?" You wasted no time in repeating the question. "How much, of my case file did you read" you repeated, placing emphasis on the appropriate words. If she lies, whatever trust I was hoping I could have for her will be gone. "Well, I... I read the part about your parents... You know. And then the only other thing I read was that you couldn't remember some memories, and that's all I remember reading and that's all I know. I Pinkie Promise." A silence brooded over the two of you, as it has so many times earlier today. She's telling the truth. Damn. That'll only make explaining all of this to her much more difficult. "Okay..." you began, taking in a deep breath. Rainbow Dash tried to interject, but you started to speak before she could. "It's a lot more complicated than you think it is." I don't even know where to begin... "The death of my parents. It. It affected me in more than just one way. It, destroyed me..." you began. You were staring her in the eyes, but it became too difficult to keep contact. You turned away from her, in shame. "When my parents were killed... I was only a colt. I came home, and I found them... Dead. Gaping holes, in their chests..." It was starting to become increasingly painful to speak. Your throat began to close up, and you could feel tears beginning to well up in your eyes. You closed them, fighting them back, and continued. If you couldn't tell her now, you wouldn't be able to tell her ever. You had to keep explaining to her. "The police report said that I was laying next to their bodies for hours, to the point where their blood started to dry into my fur... And I was taken to the hospital." Your tears began to overflow behind your eyelid. They proved to be too much to hold back, and as you opened your eyes, they began leaking out. Every other time you attempted to fight back your tears in front of other was successful, but all your techniques and methods for doing so failed here. You weren't even facing Rainbow Dash, but you knew she was listening, especially now that you were in mid-sob. Keep going! If you stop now, you won't be able to face her ever again! "I spent the rest of my life there," you explained, stumbling on every other word, letting a sob escape between every breath, "Every day for the past seven years, I spent in the hospital! I was watched constantly by nurses and doctors, all of them trying to 'help' me get over the death of my parents. But, they only made it worse! And now, I can't remember anything from my past, only the memory of of my dead parents and a day scarcely goes by that I don't relive their death in my dreams! And I can't even bring myself to commit suicide because I can't do it! Every time I tried to do it ended in failure! And I have to live with the memory, for the rest of my life! There's no way for me to escape it..." You couldn't handle the agonizing pain anymore. You broke down, letting yourself succumb to your sorrow. You buried your face into your hooves, trying to hold back tears to no avail. At this point, you couldn't care less about what Rainbow Dash had thought of you. You had finally told her everything, and as much agony you were in, there was a familiar feeling of comfort that was present with Sigmund had returned. You could hear Rainbow Dash trying to form together a sentence. "Well, can't you j-just-" she began. You knew where this was going. She was about to ask if there was some simple solution to your problems, just like so many of the nurses had believed. The sense of comfort was replaced by a surge of aggression. Has she not heard a word I've said!? "Damn it Rainbow Dash, it's not that simple!" you snapped, returning your vision to her. She took a few steps back, featuring the look of fear smeared across her face, and you returned to your previous position. The feeling of remorse you had felt earlier returned, and was only adding more to your pain. Through your sobs, you barely whispered out the words, "I'm sorry" to Rainbow Dash, the words having come out instinctively. Why did you just yell at her? I told her everything, she listens, and when she tries to help me, I attack her. Your thoughts had finally cleared, and all that was left of your depressive routine was for the feelings to eventually disperse. Your cries and tears began to gradually die down. Your mind was blank, but you hear Rainbow Dash attempting to speak again. You played that her comment would not be something as ignorant as her previous one. She began with your name, "I... I didn't know that it was this serious. I thought that it was something that happened a long time ago, and that you were just visiting your therapist. You know, to like, catch up and stuff." She stopped for a second, presumably to think about her next words carefully. "I'm really sorry, and I mean it! I really do." Her apology seemed sincere, but you were in no mindset to analyze whether or not it was. You just continued to let yourself return back to your low-point mood. It wasn't until you felt the couch and slightly budge and a hoof brushing your mane did you begin to take notice of her actions. "But... I still want to help you." she softly spoke. She kept brushing your mane with her hoof, and as much as you hated to admit it, her touch returned the sense of peace and security. Her hoof ran through your disheveled mane, and it relaxed you. Never before had you shown such an level of intimacy with another pony. You would rarely let anypony come near you, and now, in your dejected state, you let Rainbow Dash comfort you. After what seemed like hours, your cries had seceded and your tears had dried. And through your entire ordeal, Rainbow Dash continued to stroke your mane. You tried to muster up the courage to speak, but you couldn't bring yourself to do it. You sat up straight now, interrupting Rainbow Dash's motions, and turned your attention to her. She was looking straight at you, and her face expressed genuine concern and empathy. I should tell her what Sigmund told me to do. The extreme difficulty of speaking had returned, as you barely whispered what Sigmund had told you. "Sigmund told me... That I won't be able to remember my memories by just being told them. He said to start from the beginning, and that I would have to try to remember those events on my own." You turned away from her, as even explaining to her what you were supposed to do was an extraneous task. You could hear her trying to create a response due to her blatant breathing and stammering. "Oh-okay. Do you wanna start now, or..." After your episode of depression, the only thing you could think of was escaping the world for one night, and the only way to accomplish that was through sleep. Now, sleep was something you could look forward to, as your dreams could finally be suppressed. You would have to deny Rainbow Dash's request for now. "No. I just want to go to sleep." Rainbow Dash stood up, and you did the same. You turned your attention to her, and she carried the same expression she had a few seconds ago. "Okay. We'll start tomorrow then. And hey, don't worry alright? Everything's gonna be okay. Try to get some sleep, but don't oversleep again... Heh..." You assumed that that was her attempt at a joke, but it didn't phase you, especially now. You would have faked a laugh if you knew how to, so that she wouldn't have felt like an imbecile, but you ignored it. You began walking up the stairs, still keeping your thoughts empty. It wasn't until you turned open the door and entered your room that a flood of thoughts came rushing in. She saw me in my weakest state, and accepted me. The only other pony to have ever done that was Sigmund. But, why was it difficult for me to speak to her again after that? Regardless, she promised to help me... Even when I was still babbling like a foal, she came to my side, and... Despite having officially made a relationship with her, you avoided any form of intense intimacy for her. As you looked to your side, you saw the fallen bed cover and decided to try to sleep. You placed yourself on the bed and removed the saddlebag. You dug its contents and pulled out one of the three capsules of anti-depressants you carried. You popped off the cap, pulled out two, swallowed them, and placed it back into the saddlebag, finishing what had become your nightly routine. Now all that was left for you was to lose consciousness, and succumb to sleep. You laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling, having your thoughts finally cleared, and hoped that the dream would not routine. All you wanted was one night of uninterrupted sleep, without any unconscious conflicts whatsoever. And with that, your breathing slows, your heart pace drops, your eyelids fall, and you enter sleep.