//------------------------------// // 124: Derp Ya! // Story: Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human // by pjabrony //------------------------------// It was their usual breakfast, their usual coffee, their usual banter, but that Sunday it was taking place in Derpy’s house instead of Karyn’s apartment. Derpy had made the gesture, and Karyn was happy to accept, since it meant that many fewer dishes to wash. “Glad the weekend’s here,” said Derpy. “Took most of yesterday to recover from the work week.” “Why so rough?” “I tried to put in some overtime to make up for the money I lost when I bought the computer. I’ve barely had time to use it.” Karyn winced. “I hope that you don’t have to work too hard for it. That’s almost a human kind of thing. A rat race. You work so hard that you don’t have time to do the things that you’re working to get.” “I don’t intend to make it a habit. Remember that I didn’t know I was spending bits on the computer until after the fact. Essentially I bought on credit. Normally I don’t do that.” “Do you regret using the spell to make the parts?” “Oh, no!” Derpy slid over and ran her wing over the keyboard. Karyn smiled as she realized that this was probably how Derpy saw things when they were in Karyn’s apartment and she would search for details on whatever the activity of the day was going to be. “Because that would be a human reaction too. Buyer’s remorse, or cognitive dissonance. This year is psychology class, can you tell?” “Ha, but no, I’m not going to act like that. What’s done is done. I’m going to enjoy the computer, and more than that, I’ve got the memory of the experience that’ll be with me always.” Karyn was impressed. “Wow, that is so mature. I know that they always say to treasure experiences more than things, but I’ve never met anyone who does it.” “Well, I want things too. Which brings us to today’s experience.” “Which is?” Derpy went and got a map and a train schedule. “There’s a big trade festival in Rainbow Falls. They do it once a year.” “Oh, yeah! I know about that one. I got to see it once.” “You did? That’s right, you get glimpses into Equestrian life now and again. Well, I’m hoping that if we go it’ll be worth the train ticket, but even if it’s not I’d like to do it for once.” “You never have?” asked Karyn. “A long time ago, when I was a little filly.” “And maybe you can make back some of the bits that you lost.” “No, it’s not a selling festival. You’re not allowed to buy or sell using bits. That’s one of the reasons they have to have a princess there to make rulings. Because, like, sometimes you get numism...numma...coin collectors there, and they can trade their coins, but they have to make sure that they’re not secretly using ordinary money.” Derpy checked the schedule and indicated that they should start walking. “I don’t see why, but I guess that the princesses have a reason. I know that sometimes ponies get into arguments over business, but they do that over trades too, don’t they?” “Hopefully I won’t.” She picked up her pace and they got to the train station. There was a good line of ponies buying tickets, and the train to Rainbow Falls was already parked and steaming. Derpy was a little worried that they would miss it, but she saw that almost all the ponies were taking their ticket right to the train, so she figured it would stay till everypony could get on. Indeed, by the time she reached the ticket window, there were some other stragglers who had come behind her, all laden with parcels. “Hey, Derpy?” “Yeah?” “You did remember to bring what you have for trade, right?” Derpy blanched. “No, I don’t! I put them in my spare saddlebags, but then I have the saddlebags I wore to get you, the ones with all the spells. This is bad! I’ll never get home in time.” “When is the train officially supposed to go?” “Fifteen minutes.” Karyn looked around, saw Derpy’s face, and made a snap decision. “Buy the tickets.” “But there’s no point.” “I either have time to explain this or to do it. Buy the tickets.” Derpy reached the head of the line. Sullen and wondering what Karyn was doing, she said, “Two third class seats to Rainbow Falls, please.” The cashier stamped them and Derpy put them in her bags. Karyn hopped on. “Now get me back to the apartment. I’ll toss everything I can think of that I don’t need into one of my own bags, we’ll come back here, just make the train, and you’ll have lots of human stuff to trade everypony.” “You don’t have to do that.” “No, but I want to. I feel partly responsible for your predicament, since I pointed out all the most expensive and high-end parts for your computer, figuring that they were all free.” Derpy reached her apex point and transitioned back to Earth. “But I was the one who got the computer.” “I guided you. Here, hold this bag open. Ah! This is perfect. My parents sent me a whole bunch of cooking gear when I first came to college, and I’ve never used half of it.” “You could learn to cook.” “If I do, I won’t need all this stuff. Like a garlic press. I can mince garlic myself when I do need it. It’s really just a time saver. Maybe somepony who uses a lot more garlic can use it.” She shoveled some more items in the duffel bag. “Old ring binder, I don’t need that for class anymore. Stapler, don’t use it because everything’s digital now. Getting staples might be hard for a pony but there’s a box here and when it’s done it can be a stress reliever. Scissors? No good, ponies don’t have fingers.” Derpy grabbed them from where Karyn tossed them down. “A unicorn can use them. They’ll just think the holes are for style. Come on, I don’t want to miss the train.” “I wish the time stop worked the other way.” But she hopped on and Derpy dove for the train station. The all-aboard had been given and the last ponies were climbing onto the train. Derpy was panting as she made her way down the hall to the third-class seats. The car was packed, and the ponies barely had any room. They found the last row with two seats open and Derpy took the window, leaning against the cool glass as she recovered. “Sorry I had to make you go all out like that,” said Karyn. “No, I should be thanking you for making this trip worthwhile.” There was no place to store the bag, so Karyn had to hold it on the seat, which in true pony fashion had no back. The most comfortable position she found was to lean over and use Derpy’s torso as a body pillow, but that cramped Derpy’s wing against her. They both liked the train generally, but at that point they just wanted the ride to be over with. When they finally arrived they took five minutes to just sit in the station and recover. Then they followed the general direction that everypony else was going in, which indeed led them to the trading fair. The booths were all set up in rows, and Derpy remarked on how much work must have been done to set it all up. She turned her head this way and that at each booth. “Is there anything in particular that you’re looking to acquire?” “What I’d really love is some new furniture for my porch. The set I have, when I sit on it I almost fall through. I was going to buy some new ones soon, since they would be cheaper in the colder months, and if I can get them here, then basically I’ll have spent what I saved for them on the computer, and the budget is even.” Karyn shook her head. “You’ll be hard pressed to find a matching set here.” “It doesn’t have to be matching. I’d like that, but can’t have everything.” They reached the end of the first row and saw another small gathering of ponies. They looked up and saw that it was the dais for the princess to preside over disputes. That day, it was Celestia in charge. A pony couldn’t help looking at Celestia as they passed by. Most didn’t see a princess every day, and she was such an imposing figure. Derpy and Karyn were no exception, but what they didn’t expect is for her to catch their eye. They weren’t even sure it was intentional until she raised a hoof and gave a come-here gesture that still managed to be graceful. After a look behind them to see if she was waving to anypony else, they approached the dais. “Excuse me a moment,” Celestia said to the next pony who had some for a dispute settlement. “Hello, Derpy, Karyn.” They both bowed. “Everything going well?” asked Derpy. “Oh, yes. Especially since I have an excellent clerk here to help me with all the paperwork.” Before they could inquire further, a pony came from behind a curtain saying, “Celestia, do we have any more—“ but then cut off when she saw Karyn and Derpy. “Dinky!” “Mommy, Karyn! I didn’t know you were here.” Derpy embraced her daughter. “I didn’t know you were either. Did Princess Cel—“ she looked up, but the princess had gone back to speaking to the traders. “I’m helping out with the trading festival! We used to just make note of the trade disputes, but this year some ponies thought it would be a good idea to keep a record of every trade, so ponies have been running around all over bringing me reports and then I have to compile them!” As if to give a visual example of what Dinky had explained, another young mare about her age came up and extended a paper. Dinky’s horn glowed, and three seconds later the paper floated onto a stack.” “What are you going to do with the end report?” asked Karyn. Dinky stared, but the smile never left her face. “I have no idea! Maybe we’ll be able to see who are making the best trades, or who’s getting more than they’re giving. Meanwhile it’s loads of fun! All the gifted unicorns are doing it. Oh but it’s so good to see you!” She jumped on Karyn for a hug while Derpy gave her a kiss. “So I guess you can’t stop working right now and come with us, huh?” “I’ll get a break eventually.” Karyn said, “Why don’t you go see if you can find what you’re looking for and I’ll keep Dinky company. Here, if I put the bag around your neck it shouldn’t bounce around too much.” “Thanks.” She trotted off, and Karyn hoped that she wouldn’t be needed to explain how any of her trade bait worked. “So, Dinky. Is there anything I can do to help?” “That’s what mommy says all the time. If I think of anything, I’ll let you know. Unless you brought your laptop and want to digitize everything.” “I didn’t. Did your mother tell you she got a computer?” Dinky received a new batch of reports. She floated them all into a pile using a fanciful flourish that made Karyn think of shuffling cards. “Yeah, she wrote about it to me, but I didn’t realize she would be coming here. I didn’t write her that I was working with the princess.” “Well, you’re doing a great job. You’re even working with style.” “Thanks,” said Dinky, and her horn glowed again. Karyn expected the papers to do something else, but Dinky was just punctuating her agreement. “So is this what Celestia has everypony doing now? More active work instead of tests or practice?” “Ha, I wish. If anything there’ve been more tests this year. I’m up all night studying sometimes.” “Ooh, that’s hard.” Dinky did a little twirl as she put another stack of completed work on a pile. “Yes, but I’m remembering what mommy and what you told me. I’m hoping that if I can just get past this hump that things will start getting easier for me.” “I’m in much the same boat.” “You’re getting a lot of tests too at school?” Karyn shook her head. “Not yet, but I know they’re coming. I’m taking six classes this semester because of how my scheduling lines up and the electives I want. That means that I’m going to get bombarded with work until the end of the term, after which I’ll only have to take three classes. Which will save me time, but I’ll have to spend it on looking for a job. But if that happens, and I get hired, well, I had my last true vacation last year, but I’ll be able to coast along. One real class and two softball electives, now that’s how school should be!” She smiled as she said it though. Dinky worked again. “Actually, maybe there is something you can help me with.” “Anything.” “Can you give me a count of these pages? See how many there are? It’s a spell that we’re supposed to be learning, but then I have to verify it physically.” Karyn licked her fingers. “Of course. A hand can be useful for this kind of work.” She rapidly flew the papers through her thumb and forefinger until she reached the end. “I’ve got fifty-seven.” “No! You weren’t supposed to tell me. I was supposed to tell you and then you tell me if I was right. Well, I’ll do it anyway.” She cast another spell. “Yeah, fifty-seven.” “Oh, are you practice counting spells?” Karyn and Derpy both turned around to see that Celestia was behind them. “Princess!” said Dinky, filing the pages back. “I didn’t hear you sneak up...I mean come up behind us!” She winced, but Celestia laughed. “Long experience. Why don’t you take that break I mentioned? Karyn, you can go and find Ms. Hooves, see if you can help her complete her trade.” “Thanks, Princess!” They said in chorus, and ran off down the next aisle. “Do you think we can find her?” asked Karyn. “I hope so. Do you know what she was trying to trade for?” “She said she wanted lawn furniture.” “Well, that would be on the right side of the fair, but I don’t know if mommy knew that.” Dinky led Karyn in the direction she indicated. There was a number of traders with larger pieces, including furniture, and they found Derpy at a booth haggling. “But this is stuff from right out of another world!” “Yeah, but how useful is it?” The pony behind the booth was a gruff and heavyset stallion, and he looked like a shrewd negotiator. “You could re-trade them. But even if you don’t want them for that, you could use this stapler to attach papers.” He took it in his hoof and looked at the way it worked. “Fancy mechanism. But I don’t know...” Dinky reached the booth. “Hi, mommy. The princess let me go find you.” “Hey!” said the trader. “You’re the one I give my trade records to.” Karyn decided to play up the situation. “Yes, this is the personal clerk of Princess Celestia, and the pony you’re talking to is her mother.” “I’m not Princess Celestia’s mother!” said Derpy. The trader looked at the three of them. “This isn’t worth the hassle. Take the pieces.” “Hooray!” Karyn held up her hand. “You do know that that doesn’t include the bag, right?” He rolled his eyes and tossed the bag back to Karyn. “I like this bag.” “So what did you get, mommy?” “We settled on these two. I won’t have two chairs anymore, but I like this.” It was a little table, barely tall enough to reach, in black metal. But that wasn’t what caught Karyn’s and Dinky’s eye. Derpy had traded for a large porch swing in a bright pastel pattern. “That’s really something.” Derpy got into it right in the middle of the trading festival. “When it’s on my front porch I’ll be able to lounge around and watch ponies go by. Karyn, do you remember when you came over for the rainstorm long ago?” “Of course.” “I would have liked to have had this then. We could have swung in it while the rain came down. That was the image I had in my head when I saw it.” Dinky started walking. “That sounds great. I wish I could have been there. But I’d better get back up to Princess Celestia before she misses me.” “Good-bye, little one. Don’t stay away too long. You know I’m always waiting for you.” Dinky left and Derpy kept swinging. She was out of the way of the booth so other ponies could stop by, and if anything she being the picture of contentment helped advertise for others to trade for similar pieces. Karyn joined her in the swing. “Hey, Derpy?” “Yeah?” “How are we going to get this home?” Derpy stopped. “You didn’t think about that, did you?” She resumed swinging. “Well, not directly, but I’m a mailmare! I’ve handled packages before.” “But this isn’t just a package to be sent somewhere, it’s a big item.” “I’ve moved heavy stuff before.” Karyn was getting annoyed that Derpy seemed to be ignoring the problem. “But don’t you usually have a team of pegasi and a truck with you when you do that?” “Technically.” “And in those cases, haven’t you moved from one place to another within Ponyville? Have you ever carried something town to town over a train line?” “I’ve carried letters,” Derpy said, but she was coming to realize that it was indeed going to be an issue. “Maybe I can go ask Dinky or the princess for advice.” She ran off, leaving Karyn on the swing to make sure no one took it. She got off and lifted one side of the metal. It wasn’t heavy, and she figured that in all honesty, the two of them could carry it to the train station and then to Derpy’s house with a little effort. The problem was its bulk. They had barely had room for Karyn’s kitchen tools on the train going to Rainbow Falls, and they didn’t anticipate more space going back. Unless Derpy stepped up her ticket, and that would negate any savings she’d made. She came back and Karyn stood up when she arrived. “What did she say?” “Not much. Dinky had the good idea to use the shrinking spells she learned, and even started charging one up, but Princess Celestia pointed out that we would have no way to restore it once we got home. And she can’t spare Dinky to go with us. So I don’t know what we’re going to do.” “Well, let’s get it down to the train station at least. Maybe we’ll figure something out by then.” Karyn picked up her end, but realized that there was a problem in them carrying it as a tandem. She could grip one of the side poles in her hand and it fit perfectly, but Derpy couldn’t form a circle with her hoof. So she wound up wearing the crossbar like a harness, which made them look like a comical parade float. The table managed to go upside down on Derpy’s back At the station they took their seat in the swing again to try to figure out how they could transport it, but no new ideas came forth. A half hour later, the train to Ponyville pulled into the station. Karyn figured they would bite the bullet and try to force it on. They would just have to deal with the angry stares of ponies. “Hey, Derpy!” They picked their heads up at the voice to see a figure emerging from the back. “Oh! You’re the baggage handler from our first train trip! Crush, right?” “Smash. Don’t feel bad about forgetting the name. I only recognized you because of your human companion. Um...” “Karyn,” she said. Derpy gave her best pleading smile. “Could you do us a super-big favor? I just got this swing at the trading fair, and I have no way to get it home. You could probably get it in the baggage car and fill the space with other ponies’ bags.” “Ha, sure. I’ll figure a way to get everything in. But hurry up and get on. This isn’t a full stop.” He lifted up the swing with one hoof and slid it through the door. Karyn and Derpy hopped up into their seats. It wasn’t as cramped as before. “See,” said Derpy, “everything worked out in the end.” “Yes, but you can’t always count on that. We’re just lucky that a strong stallion we know happened to be around.” “Something else would have come up.” Karyn shrugged. “Hey, isn’t this exactly the wrong time of year to get that kind of furniture? You won’t be able to use it till next year.” “No, I’ll still use it some. On a day when it’s not too cold and the sun’s out, I’ll sit outside and enjoy the breeze. I prefer it like that to when it’s so hot that I don’t want to do anything. Then I want to just stay in bed all day.” “Just don’t get any ideas about buying an air conditioner.” They laughed, and the train pulled out of the station.