//------------------------------// // Pinkie, That's not Edible! Spit it out Right Now! // Story: Maud Pie Becomes an Alicorn Princess // by Smoker //------------------------------// “This has to be the weirdest method of tracking the enemy I’ve ever seen.” Twilight stated, staring at Maud. “Shh. I need to concentrate.” Maud said, giving the rock she had picked from the ground another lick. “Hmm… no, no, too much sedimentary. The taste of the statue was almost purely igneous. It must have come from deep inside the volcano.” “If you say so, Maud.” Twilight said, shrugging her… area-where-shoulders-would-be-on-a-human. She walked forward, then paused. “Pinkie?” She asked. “Mmph hmmbph.” Twilight turned as she heard a noise, and nearly screamed. Pinkie’s mouth was swollen, and cactus needles were sticking out of her lips and cheeks like a pincushion. “Mmm phmmph mmph mmm.” Pinkie mumbled through the large ball cactus in her mouth, a cheery look on her face despite the immensely painful-looking thorns. “Hang on.” Twilight said, and using her magic, she pulled the huge cactus out of Pinkie’s mouth as delicately as possible. Once the offending plant was extracted, Pinkie’s smile grew and she started bouncing up and down. “Thanks Twilight!” Pinkie giggled. “I was really really hungry and I tried to eat that giant kiwi but it really hurt because it wasn’t really a kiwi it was a cactus which is sad because kiwis are delicious have you tried kiwis I tried them once because I thought their name sounded funny and they turned out to be really good and-“ “I now partially regret taking that out of her mouth.” Twilight said, trying to pull out the cactus thorns still stuck in Pinkie’s lips. Pinkie’s ramble was abruptly cut off by what sounded like a lion’s roar. “Oh yeah, I forgot – I’m really hungry.” Pinkie said, smiling. Twilight rolled her eyes as she finished plucking the thorns from Pinkie’s face. “Pinkie, you could have just asked.” She levitated up her saddlebag. “I have plenty of…” Twilight looked into the very empty bag. “food.” “That is a problem.” Maud stated needlessly, looking into the bag. “But… how… I haven’t…” Twilight stuttered. “Oh wait… was that ALL the food you packed?” Pinkie asked. She blushed, smiling sheepishly. “Sowwy…” “But… but… I had a huge box of bagels in there!” Twilight cried. “Ate ‘em.” Pinkie said nonchalantly. “A wheel of cheese!” “Meunster; my favorite!” “Pinkie, there were raw eggs in my bag!” “Hey, don’t look at me. A snake took those when I wasn’t looking! Darn egg-sucking snakes…” “You ate everything, absolutely everything?!” “It was my greatest work. I dubbed it, ‘A Midnight Snack’. Copies soon sold at your nearest local bookstore.” “I can’t believe it…” Twilight said, still staring into the bag. “Hey, I thought you had more!” Pinkie said. “I mean, I thought for sure that that wasn’t all you brought!” “Pinkie…” Twilight stated, slamming her hoof into her forehead. “…for starters, where would I be keeping any more food? Up my-“ “But can’t you just make more with your fancy magic?” Pinkie asked. “Magic doesn’t work that way! I can’t just summon something from nothing! If I could, I wouldn’t have needed to pack food in the first place!” Twilight cried. “Well, can you… teleport some more in?” Pinkie questioned. Twilight slammed her other hoof into her face. “If I could use teleportation on the island, we wouldn’t be walking in the first place!” She said, almost screaming. “Um… can you transmogrifimutatechangemabibble the sand into food?” Pinkie asked, holding up a hoofful of desert sand. Twilight temporarily detatched her back legs with her magic, then manipulated them so that she could facehoof with all four hooves at once. “I can’t… I… AUUGH!” She cried out. There was an awkward silence as Twilight’s legs returned back to their normal positions. “So… no food then.” Pinkie said awkwardly. “What are you talking about.” Maud said in her usual mono-tone. “There’s food all around us.” Twilight looked around. All she could see was sand, a couple of cacti, the mountain (the base of which was almost right in front of them), and a tumbleweed idly bouncing along the ground. The tumbleweed had an odometer which had quite a few miles on it. “That plant is due for an oil change.” Twilight said quietly. Then she shook her head. “What food, Maud? I mean, it’s not like we can eat the animals; we’re herbivores!” Maud picked up a rock from the ground, and ate it. “Oh no. nonononono.” Twilight said, backing up. “You can’t honestly expect us to-“ “It’s either rocks, sand, or air, Twilight.” Maud said somberly. “Mmph mmphmm”. Pinkie had gotten another cactus stuck in her mouth. Rolling her eyes, Twilight began to extract the second cactus from Pinkie’s oversized cheeks. “No, Pinkie. We’re not eating the cacti, either.” She stated. “It’s really not that bad when you get used to it.” Maud said. “In fact, I find rocks quite delicious.” “Remember what happened with Princess Celestia, Maud? Normal ponies – I mean, other ponies can’t eat rocks.” Twilight told Maud. “That’s because she didn’t know how to eat rocks.” Maud said. “It’s all in the mentality. I admit I shouldn’t have started her off with something so hard. Here, try this instead.” Maud held up a light brown chunk of rock. Twilight took it in her magic as Maud said, “Sandstone. Great for beginners to rock-eating. Soft as it comes. Rich in quartz and feldspar.” Twilight gulped, then looked at Maud. Seeing her unwavering expression, Twilight turned back to the small chunk of rock. She began to levitate it up to her mouth. “Pinkie, will you please stop the drumroll?!” Twilight said abruptly, looking over her shoulder to Pinkie. “Party pooper.” Pinkie pouted, putting the massive drum away. Twilight looked back to the rock, slowly lifted it to her mouth… and took a bite. There was a dramatic pause. And then… “BLECCH!” Twilight hacked and coughed, scraping the chunks of sand off of her tongue. “That was the worst thing I’ve tasted since the last time I tried cooking for myself!” she cried. “Maud, I’m sorry, but I just can’t-“ she stopped. “I assume you did not like it.” Maud said quietly, blinking slowly. Her face was covered in sand from Twilight’s spit-take. “Oh my gosh, Maud, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean-“ Twilight paused, her eyes widening, as Maud extended her tongue, and slowly, ever so slowly, dragged it across her face, wiping off all of the sand. “…now I know where Pinkie gets some of her traits from.” Twilight said quietly as Maud’s tongue retreated into her mouth. “So what are we gonna eat?” Pinkie asked happily. “Nothing, I guess. We’ll probably starve to death, even if we do catch the bad guy.” Twilight said, laying down on her stomach. “Are you sure we can’t-“ “NO, Pinkie!” Twilight almost yelled. “We’re not eating the-“ she stopped, blinking. “Cacti…” she said quietly. Then she leapt forward. “Pinkie, you’re a genius!” She cried, hugging the pink glutton. “No I’m not. I’m a pony. Neiggh!” Pinkie said happily. “C’mon!” Twilight said, rushing over to a nearby ball cactus. Pinkie and Maud followed. “If I’m not mistaken…” Twilight said quietly. With a magical blast, she zapped off the top of the cactus, and looked inside the hollow plant. “Yes!” she cried victoriously, seeing the shimmering inside. “We’re saved, girls!” She called back. “What is it.” Maud said blankly as she and her sister approached. “Water! Glorious water!” Twilight cried. “Cacti have to store as much water as they can, you see – rain is so sparse in the desert, they have to soak up as much as they can! As such, they are absolutely filled to the brim with water!” “Um, Twilight?” Pinkie said. “That’s good and all, but we’re kind of looking for food, not water.” Twilight paused. She looked at the cactus again. “Oh, phoo.”