//------------------------------// // 17- Damned When I Do, Damned When I Don't // Story: Applegate // by Flutters Is Shy //------------------------------// Authors Note With this chapter, I was co writing with another author. You all might have noticed that I veer away from certain words, and seeing as we can't really just ignore them in this chapter, instead I have replaced them. whenever you see a word or words inthis color just take it as meaning something more...effusive. Have fun! Twilight was trying to teach me Equish. Emphasis on the word, trying. "This is the letter, G." She said, pointing to a completely different character than the last three she denoted as 'G'. Whatever she was actually trying to get across to me was being lost in magical translation. "You said that about this letter," I pointed to a character with a square bottom, and a propeller sticking out the top. "And this one," I pointed at another one eight characters to the left. "No I didn't. This one is 'G', and this one is 'G'. They're completely different." Ha. Ha fricken ha. "Twilight, you just said the same...what you said SOUNDS to me like the same letter. This isn't working." She threw her hooves up in frustration. "This is impossible! I wish there was a way to turn off that stupid translation spell, at this point its doing more harm than good." "Its not like I HAVE to learn the language. I can understand it just fine." "But you can't READ any of it! This is going to cause you monumentous problems in the future! You can't even read a simple meal menu!" "Thats what I got you for." "Gah!" She exclaimed in frustration, magically flinging papers right and left. I couldn't really fault her for her frustration. I wasn't exactly the best student. Add to that the fact I had been flaunting my English equestrian books(She couldn't read a damned word from them, it pissed her off to no end.) and I had one very emotional teacher. To her credit, she was trying. Trying to teach me a language when she couldn't read a single word of my own. That's dedication. I had received three more dimensional tokens since Donkey Kong's golden banana(Oooooooooh, ba-na-na~). Well, two tokens and one which I was pretty sure was a token. The first one, a vial. It wasn’t much, but the way the liquid swirled made it look like a DNA strand. It pulsed, moved, writhed, as if it were alive. The summon phrase that came with it was freaky, and honestly kinda scary. I am Nemesis. The Hunter. The Pursuer. Those who would seek to harm others for their own benefit are my prey. If you need my help, simply take this vial in your hand, and call upon me. I will aid you in kind. Your enemies will flee before my wrath, but there will be nowhere they can run, nowhere they can hide that I will not find them. I will hunt them down. The next, was a red gem shaped like a rupee from the legend of zelda series with a triforce carved in the side. The summoning phrase that came with it was a bit odd, it sounded female...but I just couldn't be sure. I AM THE MIGHTY HEATHER! No you're not... Shut up Navi! Just ignore her... I guess to call, touch the triforce? I'm new to this and I have no idea how I got this thing. You summoned it SHUT UP NAVI.... Changelings...you can't live with them without them being annoying... Call if you need me for anything... I'm just a sword for hire so what can go wrong? All in all, Triforce, Navi(who apparently was a changeling in her world) and an inexperienced self titled 'Sword For Hire' I just couldn't take a chance that this displaced wasn't modeled after some villain in the zelda franchise I couldn't think of at the moment. I'd have to take precautions before I summoned her. Or wait until she found my token and show up as something she wouldn't be able to recognize...maybe show up in my hybrid changeling king guise? At the very least, it sounded like changelings were accepted on that version of Equestria. On most of the ones I had been to so far, they really weren't. And last but not least, the maybe token. It was a green ball of bubbling green liquid, covered with a clear, rubbery membrane. I say maybe because it didn't have a summoning phrase, and nothing I did seemed to do anything to it. It worked great as a bouncy ball though. "Maybe we could start from the top?" Twilight asked hopefully. "I thought we hadn't left the top yet." I replied, tossing the green ball of greenosity towards the ceiling before catching it. "We really haven't." "So how the heck am I supposed to learn something when everything you say gets translated as gibberish?" "I...I don't know..." Bah. Twilight was only trying to help me. "Why don't you just do that then?" "Do what?" "Do what you said. Turn it off. Its just a spell, right? So you should be able to just switch it on and off like a light. You're like the sorcerer supreme around these parts, so it should be a piece of cake for you, right?" She gave me a scathing glare. Was it something I said? Twilight let out a loud sigh, and started in on me. "I don't have the first idea how your spell works, how its even attached to you or even how its even powered. Its not being supplied power from outside of your body, yet it isn't leaching off your own natural stores. It frankly doesn't make any sense." She levitated a pad of paper and started scrabbling numbers on it in an impossible to understand formula of some sort. Friggin scientist. "I call upon thee, peon of the multiverse. Come hither at my command, and do my bidding!" a normal, low voiced echo. He sounded normal. But the words he used? The way he tried to summon me? Haha, yeah no. "Sod off." "What?" Twilight asked, diverting her attention from her notes. "What? Sorry, not you. Just refusing a rather pushy Displaced. 'Come hither at my command and do my bidding', can you believe that guy? Probably has a monocle and an evil mustache he likes to twirl as he eats babies or something. Every word he said oozed 'I am bad news.' Feel sorry for his version of Equestria..." "Well at least you're learning some measure of self control..." "Whats that supposed to mean? I have plenty of self control!" "You go running off to anyone that calls you, and next time it may not be as harmless as the 'Donkey Kong' Incident. You still have to apologize to Zecora, by the way." I had come across a familiar face yesterday. And by familiar, I mean terrifying. By far, the most insistent individual from the last Displaced world I had been to(besides 'Donkey Kong' and Big Macintosh) had been an alternate version of a certain Zebra shaman. Her lilting tones, the way she formed verse and poem as she stalked me through the community center...damn. She had definitely left a bad impression on me. The moment I heard her voice again, I panicked, throwing a bowl of cereal at her and running away. God knows what she made of all the 'please don't rape me' comments I left in my wake. I left my game with Sweetiebelle unfinished too...I wonder what she had been doing at Rarity's, anyway? Maybe she was getting her bangles resized, for all I know... Still, Twilight had a point. One which I already had taken to heart, but whatever. Let her feel like I'm drawing inspiration for her if that buoys her spirits. Help her figure out how to get me home all that much sooner. I had refused seven 'requests' since then, none of them passing my rather ludicrous inspection of quality control. "So whats with all the numbers? What...solution are you trying to come to?" She looked at me incredulously, before responding. "You can read this?" What was the big deal? "Its just numbers. I don't understand the formula you're using, honestly I barely remember how to do on paper division. But that's just numbers. So whatcha doin?" "Nothing. Its nothing. But you can read numbers? Why didn't you tell me? This is...I can..." Her eyes got a far off look as her quill stopped scrabbling. "I CAN TEACH YOU BINARY." And like that, she started scribbling away again, for all intents and purposes ignoring me. Suddenly, I got another Displaced message/request from across the veil. " Alright! Wade...Animo...meh. Get out here!" Huh. What a pushy sounding little brat. Better luck next time, guy. I had already missed a lot of Displaced requests. Maybe I should take this call and see what happens? I had already missed a lot of Displaced requests. Maybe I should take this call and see what happens...Yeah. That sounded like a good idea. Why was I being so trepiditious about this? Twilight wasn't making any headway with figuring out how to get me home, so my best bet was obviously seeking out other Displaced, to see if they knew anything. I acquiesce to your request, send me on over or whatever, I thought, I had learned since the first slide that I didn't need to say anything out loud. And just like that, I slid out of this world. ~-----------------------------------------------------------------------~ I fell through the void, entering into the rather rude voiced world as was sadly my norm. Facefirst. I'd have to ask Auric if that was normal, or if the multiverse was actively trying to hurt me. Wouldn't surprise me at this point. Prying my face from the bed of leaves I had landed in( I was somewhere outside. Hopefully it wasn't the kill-you-dead forest. Screw that place.) and looked upon the one that had pulled me across the void. Or...two, I guess as the case might be in this situation. It was a...raccoon and a tree guy. Huh. First time I had come across a displaced that wasn't strictly human looking or was a pony like Auric(Except 'Donkey Kong'. He doesn't count though. By god he does NOT friggin count.). It was...different, thats for sure. They were looking at me like they expected me to say something. So I did."Sup?" Not my finest introduction, but I just landed on my face, gimmie a break. Raccoon boy gave a slow clap, "Oh, what a wonderful landing. I've got to give you ten out of ten for that." He snorted. His was the rude voice I had heard from the summon. Now I knew why, he was TINY. Obviously compensating for his size. "I am Groot." Tree guy chastised. Ha. I think I like him already. "I agree with tree guy. Screw you." I pushed myself into a sitting position, rubbing at a cut on my forehead. "One of you wouldn't happen to have a band-aid, would you?" Raccoon boy looked surprised for a second, before responding. Groot chuckled, and he snapped at him, "Oh, laugh it up, fireplace!" He gave a slight sigh as he shook his head. "So, you're Wade, huh?" he said, looking me up and down. "What can you do? What're your fighting skills? And...you happen to know about all the...humans out there? What's up with that? Or are you just as lost as us?" Great. Guess this trip was a bust. These two shlubs didn't know anything more than I did. "Oh, so you're fresh off the boat, huh? Guess I'll give you the rundown. And all of this is second-hand knowledge from another guy, so if I miss something please don't hate me for it." I stood up, towering above the little raccoon while Groot still towered over me. Rocky narrowed his eyes and crawled up Groot to climb onto his shoulder. He looked down at me and gave me a grin. Yeah, not compensating for ANYTHING."Interdimensional deity of an asshat calling himself the Merchant is picking up humans from different Earths and stranding them in different Equestria's. Usually people that were at a con of some sort." And just like that, it all went to shit. "Wait, he's Plantation WHAT?!" he roared, going apeshit "HE Bruce Wane SENT US HERE?!" He pulled out his gun things and began shooting the everloving stuffing out of some trees. "DID THAT BASTARD TAKE OUR MEMORIES?! "Holy crap man, calm down!" WHAT THE HELL WAS HIS PROBLEM?!?!? "At the very least, aim that way!"I pointed off into the forest, definitely away from myself. He snarled at me, and I realized I had probably said something to make a gun nut like him even more unstable., "OH, YOU DON'T LIKE MY BLASTERS?!" He started shooting at me like a lunatic. "WHY DON'T YOU DANCE, YOU Wonderful individual?! YOU DID THIS TO US?!" Right. Just go to the rude sounding voiced Displaced world. that was smart. not like I was gonna get shot at or something. Never. "Holy shit!" I blurted out, running away like there was some sort of demonic raccoon shooting shit at me. Gee. Fancy that. "I wanna go home now! Everyones freaking crazy here!" Surprisingly enough, I didn't fall back out of this universe. Definitely leaning towards the multiverse hating me at this point. "YOU Marmalade BROUGHT US HERE, YOU-!!!" He was cut off suddenly, and even more thankfully the shots around me petered out. Didn't mean I stopped running, though. "GROOT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU-?!"I felt a small weight crash into my back, but it was just heavy enough to bowl me off my feet and send me sprawling. Barely. "Mother....Participant..krutacking...shitbag..." He pulled out a knife just to get it slapped out of his claws and was shoved to the ground next to me. "I AM GROOT!" Groot roared, his face contorted in anger. "I...am Groot." He continued, trying to talk the little ball of fun down. "What the HELL is your problem man?" I yelled at the diminutive psycho. I crabwalked away from the two of them as best I could, till my back hit a tree. "Keep him AWAY from me!" "I..." the little ball of fur started, his voice barely above a whisper, "I'm...You...you didn't bring us here did you?" he asked softly. "I JUST freaking said it was some wackjob called the Merchant! If I was the one that brought you here, why the hell wouldn't I say so?" I grunted angrily at him. "I...I'm sorry." he lowered his head. "I just...Whoever brought us here. This...Merchant or whoever it was, they...they took our memories. We can still remember things about home, but...anything personal, our families, our friends, our homes...It's all gone. I...I just need someone to blame!" Tears began leaking from his eyes. "I...I can't even remember my name!" he sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." What was with so many rough and tumble people breaking into tears? Almost like they got shunted halfway across creation against their will or something. Damnit. I can't really hold THAT against him..."I..I'm not gonna just turn on a dime and go all weepy with you, you were just SHOOTING at me." I sighed, it wasn't like he actually hit me though... "Just...please no more yelling and shooting at me for no reason?" He sniffed and wiped away the rest of his tears, then nodded, "Sure. I, uh, sorry. I just...felt," He paused, before continuing.. "A rage...Damn, is this what Blood feels all the time?" "Just gonna assume Blood's another Displaced, in which case thank you for giving me a name to avoid." "Yeah...Displaced, Blood mentioned that name too. And you don't have to worry about him, he's cool. Friendly as hell, his summon actually states that he'll help any human." he rubbed his arm. "Just, uh, stay out of his way in battle. You know the term Axe Crazy? Yeah well, for him it's literal. Hey, I have his summon with me, I could call him if you want." "NO!" I waved my hands in front of me frantically. I did NOT want another crazy shooty mcshooterpants flying off the handle and threatening to cause me pain. Thats something I'd like to avoid, honestly. "I mean...uhhh....no...thank you? I'll be honest, you scare the shit out of me. And what you just described as 'friendly as hell'? Excuse me if I don't immediately take your word as something I can go by right this second..." He chuckled, "Ah, I don't blame you. He is...odd. But if you see a vial of blood on a piece of string, make sure you grab it. You might not want his help, but there could come a time where you have no choice." he then shrugged, "Eh, back to more important matters. Me." "I am Groot..." Groot mumbled. "What? I'm important! I did free a group if slaves, remember?" "I am Groot." Raccoon boy growled lowly, "Eh, whatever. Anyway, kid, you know more about this world than us. Even if the two worlds don't match up perfectly you should a pretty good idea. So, anything we should know about?" I glared at the demonic raccoon, then tried to compose myself. "Allright. So as I was saying before you went Clint Eastwood on my ass, I don't know why the merchant is doing this. If you want to know the whole story, keep an eye out for a golden coin, it looks like a bit-" I pulled Aurics token out of my pocket, showing it off," -but the face and tail are different, one side has a seesaw with the letters A and U on one side, and an eclipse on the other." I pocketed the coin again, who knows what would happen if I accidentally lost it in another Equestria? "Thats the token of Auric, alchemist of the golden flames. He seems to have a clear head on whats going on. Also he said he was going to send me over a folder with the information I needed, but THAT still hasn't happened," I stated with a huff. He chuckled. Apparently I amuse him. "Hey, this Auric guy, he's...he's not full of himself, is he? And do you know his motivation? Guy's got to want something." "Guy can make pretty much anything out of midair, based on an offhand comment he made apparently he already has a tower all to himself, but he did have that confident 'I know what I'm doing' vibe about himself. He seemed on the up and up from my minor interaction with him...if a bit kooky. If he offers to help you fix something, WATCH HIM, DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALL ON HIS LONESOME," I enunciated. "He turned the Apple family's barn plaid. Blue and green PLAID. I can't say I didn't like that outcome, but the apples are still holding that over my head. For some odd reason." "Apple family? Who the hell are they?" The little ball of hate asked. "According to the old lady living on the farm, the apple family is a group of relatives all across Equestria, usually having work or otherwise that relates to apples in some way. They even run a town over in the desert or something. Apploosa, I think. The ones I was directly referring to however, was a family of four that live on the edges of Ponyville. Granny Smith, Applejack, Big Macintosh, and Applebloom." Maybe I SHOULDN'T be telling the gun crazy little punk where to find nice, civilized people? Whatever, for some reason, the little guy was staring to grow on me. "Ponyville? I know I've heard that before." he muttered to himself. "I am Groot," Groot said. Well seeing as he knew where I was talking about, that would just make this all the more easier. "Ah! Yeah, that's it! You live there? Hmm...you know if your world has any crime? Bandits and the like?" he asked, with a bit of a bloodthirsty glint in his eye. "I'm honestly not too versed in the politics of Equestria."(aside from what I had read in my new books...that information was sadly limited, though.) "Apparently there was this guy named Tirek a while back, but the previous element bearers stopped him. And became some sort of magic friendship avatars or some shit." I paused, trying to think of something else "According to Chrysalis, there's still some underground sects of changeling haters that have tried to kill off random folk to throw suspicion on them, but nothing out in the open that I know of." He nodded, "So, blueberries cross the dimensional barrier then. No big surprise there. You have questions, big guy?" I asked Groot. Groot nodded at the little guy, "I am Groot? I am Groot. I...am Groot?" They didn't know a thing about the Princesses. Oh, THAT was just wonderful."You don't know anything about them? Okay, first and foremost, as RIDICULOUS as it sounds, the way the sun and moon orbit all of the Equestria's is different. And no, I didn't misspeak there, the moon AND sun orbit the PLANET. Apparently gravity or whatever falls under a different source of magic or whatever. Celestia and Luna are the controllers of the sun and moon, respectively. Yeah, they grab celestial bodies and sling them across space. Don't ask me how, I guess they're just that strong. I've also heard talk about Luna seeing dreams or something, but I haven't heard anything concrete on that. Worth looking into, I guess. As for what questions I have for you, my first and foremost would be this. What the heck were you guys cosplaying as?" Rocky rolled his eyes, "Memories gone, remember? We don't know. What's that cube thing anyway? It...I almost felt like I remembered something when I saw it." "That? Thats my token, Auric made it and...SOMEHOW 'spread it across the void. No, I don't know how to do that. Again, keep an eye out for the wierd gold coin, he'll be able to tell you far more about what's going on that I can." I poked the glowing blue cube, and it had the freaking gall to shock me. Stupid little knockoff cube of piss ass shittiness. Screw you, multiverse. "It...I...think I remember seeing something..." he shook his head, and continued. "So, what can you tell us about Ponyville itself?" "Ponyville? Well, theres the apple farm on the outskirts, like I said before. Then theres Fluttershy's house on the other side of town. She's like...an animal keeper, god I don't know, the way they do stuff here is weird. Did you know they actually have the winged horses fly around and change the weather as they see fit? They think NORMAL weather is WEIRD. They even have a coffee and CYANIDE store. IN THE SAME STORE. And then they claim that cyanide is just a special type of flavoring! My left buttcheek." I calmed myself down, slowly drawing back my breath into a tight rythym. "Anyway, actually important things, theres 6 wielders of what is basically a primordial force of magic. As they say, 'Friendship is magic'. And thats not just a metaphysical BS line. If their word is anything to go on, friendship is an actual energy source. The ones that wield it are as best I can figure, Fluttershy-I was just telling you about her house. Applejack, she's part of the Apple family and lives on the farm. She's a stubborn lady who WILL make sure you pay her back if you owe her something, or even if she just THINKS you owe her something. Rarity, she lives in a clothing store in the middle of town. Haven't really talked to her all that much, but she seems nice...also she makes clothes. You might be able to wheedle a free shirt out of her, apparently she's the element bearer of 'generosity', and she takes that pretty seriously. Then theres Pinkie Pie." I shuddered uncontrollably. "She's pink, and if you step a single foot within Ponyville she WILL find you. If you like parties, all the power too you, but if you just want to be left alone, tough shit. Then theres Rainbow Dumbass. Her names actually Rainbow Dash, but I don't like her. But what do I know? Maybe your version of her isn't a complete racist moron. She's a pegasus, and flies around all the time, going on and on about how she's going to become part of this flying guard thing called the wonderbolts." I took a second to swallow a wad of saliva, wetting my mouth. "And finally theres Twilight. She's basically the spearhead of the group, holding the best by default element of magic. She's a pegacorn like Princess Celestia and Luna, in fact I think she even has the stupid sounding title of 'Princess of Friendship'. Add to that, she has a giant freaking castle made of crystal in the middle of town, you can't miss it. She's a bit of a bookworm, do NOT show her those-" I waved to his guns, "unless you want her quarantining them so she can take them apart and study them. I'm exaggerating, but seriously. she will spazz out over them." "Hmm...She's the Princess of Friendship, friendship is a magic power in this world..." Rocky grinned, "Hey, Groot, I think I've found our ticket home!" "Groot," He snorted, "I am Groot." "You know any towns near the forest by Trottingham, kid?" Rocky asked me. I shook my head, "The only way I even know the town name is that there was a radical group there that executed a pegasus, simply because she was married to a changeling. A lot of bills that were set into motion because of that debacle. And the only forests I know of are the kill-you-de-," I stopped, it wasn't actually called the kill-you-dead forest, me calling it that wouldn't help him in the slightest. "Ahem, excuse me, the Everfree forest, and Whitetail woods. And I don't really know where they are specifically in relation to Ponyville or Trottingham. Oh, but Canterlot-stop laughing, I know the names are ridiculous, I didn't make them but am convinced that whoever did only did so to get a laugh. so I will steadfastly refuse that of them." Any slight advantage I can get over the multiverse, I'm going to take it. "Anyway, Canterlot is a giant town built on the side of a mountain. You can easily see Ponyville from there, plus they have a train that goes there..." Rocky nodded, "Right, they killed someone because of who they loved. extremely pleasant individuals." Rockey took his guns back from Groot, before picking his knife back up. "And seeing as you know more about this place than we do at this point, you're coming with us until we find the next town." He gave a one-sided grin. "Alright?" "Thats fine with me. But I can't guarantee I'll be able to stick in this dimension for the entire duration. I got rubberbanded back without anything saying I would or otherwise last time. And since I don't want to wear out my already shitty shoes, I think I'll start with a morph. You aren't gonna spazz out and start shooting at me again if I transform, are you?" I directed towards a certain short tempered raccoon. He shook his head, "Hey, I said I was sorry! Just...just don't turn into a clown." "I am Groot." I shuddered at the mental image of my face slowly twisting and changing into that of a clown. Dear god, I'm probably going to have nightmares about that now... "Not even if my life depended on it." I started my wondertwins morph. I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to watch as my skin and clothes melted into a single surface, and felt as I grew even shorter than the towering tree man. I was still taller than the shrimp of a raccoon, though. The pint sized Jerk clambered up on my back, and grabbed ahold of the back of my hair. "Onwards, my trusty steed!"...jerk. Tree man sighed, and said "I am Groot" in his wierd whispering speech as he led the way off through the trees. I followed, and asked a question that niggled its way to the forefront of my mind. "Can a female horse be a steed? I thought the term was strictly masculine," I continued clopping along, and it was several seconds before Rocky responded. "I think the technical term for such a thing is: I don't give a rooster!" he laughed. "Hey, Groot, you think we'll find a town today?" "I am Groot" He answered. "Eh? Why not?" he asked before a group of Gryphons, in masks, and holding swords stepped out of the undergrowth. "Hey, pony disparaging remark relating to a female dog! Hand over your bits!" One of the group called out. Great. Not even in this world for twenty minutes, and I get shot at by a crazy rodentia, and cursed at by a group of bandits. Wonderful. Can I go home yet? "Are they talking to me?" I asked the furry brat on my back. He gave me a nod, so I continued. "I'm the only one being ridden and you stupidly assume I'm the one in charge?" The foremost Gryffon took a step forward, and responded in an extremely agitated manner. "We don't give half a shit what your sick fetishes are, lady, hand over everything of value on you, or pay with your life!" "Fetish? The hell? And do you see any 'valuables' on me? Disregarding the furry little punk, he's only worth as much as far as you can throw him." I took another look back at my passenger, his face contorting in barely restrained rage. "Plus I'm pretty sure your ugly mugs are pissing him off. You might want to get lost before he kills you." "You dare mock us?!!?" "I'm not ugly, I'm just wearing a mask!" "I told you these things looked stupid!" Came the scattered replies from the band of gryphons. "Get lost you feather brained idiots, you're making actual baddasses like my friends here look kinda bad." "You should have taken your magic smart juice this morning you retarded little filly." "Really? Thats the extent of your insults? The purpose of an insult is to be...you know, insulting?" "You'll regret mocking us you useless broodhorse." "And your mother should have swallowed you. Guess we all can't get what we want, can we?" Rocky snarled at the Griffins before chuckling, "Hey, Groot, we didn't get chance before, so how'd you feel about getting some chicken wings?" Without waiting for a reply he dived off of my back, pulling out his guns and opening fire. "Hey, suckers. If you would kindly, I would appreciate if you would remove yourselves from my sight with the utmost of haste.." The fight didn't last very long. They just didn't stand a chance. "I am Groot?" Groot asked me, after he threw the last thug through a tree. "Not like I did anything past pissing them off to the point where they fought like morons. Seriously, don't you idjits know you fight worse when you're mad?" I poked a hoof at the unconscious claw of a bleeding gryphon. "Not like you stood that much of a chance to begin with. Talk about bringing a knife to a gun fight. And forgetting your knife at home. Idiots." I walked over to another gryphon, one that actually had some sort of pack with him. Like a complete and total moron, I got too close, and the jerk got a lucky shot in, clocking my right in the windpipe. He gave a wheeze and tried to get up. I stopped trying to wring the bastards neck, and tried to calm down. Taking a few deep breathes, I managed to ascertain that I didn't have any damage to my throat. Rockey strolled up to us, and shoved a gun in his face. "Nighty night." Rockey gave me a short glance. "You might want to look away, it gets a little messy." then he pulled the trigger. My mind was blank...he had just... killed someone. And he didn't even bat an eye. What the hell had I gotten myself into? I may be desensitized to the idea of murder, but I sure as shit had never considered I might one day see it right in front of me.. One thing was clear. If I showed resistance to this, he might get offended. "Thats...fine." I muttered, trying in vain to wipe a spray of blood off of my front left hoof. It wouldn't come off. It was setting in! What if it didn't go away when I morphed back? What if for the rest of time I had dried blood on my hands?!!? WHAT IF IT NEVER WASHED OFF?!?!?!?!? He hummed a jaunty little tune to himself as he kicked the corpse over to a bush. "There we go, that should keep them hidden till the predators get to them... Hey, you alright? I don't enjoy killing but we had no choice. Just...try to forget about it." He gave a little shrug. "Groot, you talk to him, you're a better people person. I'll go see if I can see where we are from the top of that tree." "No-I'm fine!" I belted out. "Never better, I swear. Not like this is new for me or anything, I've seen violence before, its not like this was the first fight I've ever been in ever!" I croaked out, my already femininely high voice growing higher and higher until it petered out. Looks like he didn't suspect anything. He was even smiling! Smiling his cute little raccoon smile as he climbed out of sight. At least I assume he was smiling. Kinda hard to tell with his little raccoon features...but thats beside the point! The murderous little ball of hate was climbing out of sight! Happy day! "I...am Groot?" Twiggy asked me, sitting down beside me. "I...I'm fine, really. Never better! I think I could even-" He cut me off, picking me up into a tight hug. "Thanks...I needed that. "I am Groot." "Uh...what the hell?" I heard Rocky muttering, so I quickly pushed Groot away. "Come on, this way," he said, taking the lead. Getting hugged by a tree wasn't the most comfortable experience in the world. Still, it helped me snap out of my downward spiral."So..." I directed towards the gun happy marsupial. "Where we going? Did you see a town or something while you were up there?" Rocky smirked, "I saw smoke. Too small to be a fire, it had to be from a village." "I am Groot," Groot said. "Ah, piss off." the little hellscallion chuckled. "So, kid, we're your favorite Displaced, right?" He said while Groot rolled his eyes. How a tree can do that, I haven't the foggiest. "YES! Favorite, definitely favorite!" I let out with a nervous chuckle. "Wouldn't...rather be ANYWHERE else. So, smoke, village? Did you see any houses?" He let out a cough. "Er...of course! Heh, heh...I mean...houses and...stuff," he gulped. "OH MY GOD, LOOK, A DISTRACTION!!!" "Pfft. God, I pulled that the first day I was here, it actually worked too." I continued looking at the scary as hell raccoon as he continued to point off to the side, his eyes darting back and forth between me and the 'distraction'. "I even used the exact same words." "You guys see that?" I asked, pointing at the masked pony. "What the hell is he doing with that mask?" I finally got fed up and just looked. The sooner I could get over and done with the inevitable 'Ha, can't believe you fell for that!' the better. What I saw actually managed to silence my brain for a few seconds. It was the freaking slender man. Black suit, smooth, featureless face. But it was a pony. Huh. Well then. "Well, if I had to make an assumption, I would assume thats this worlds version of the slenderman. If your Equestria lines up enough with mine, that would be the Long Pony. A mason by the name of Shadow Stone. Who if the lore is to be believed, does 'something' to those that hurt others for no reason. Or mock the work of a mason. Either of you mock the work of a mason recently?" I was remarkably calm for staring straight at the 'slenderman'. Apparently my brain had taken a holiday. "Slender Man?" Rocket whispered. "We're staring at gosh darn pooty headed Slender Man?" He gulped, "We're so gloriously screwed." As he said that the creature's head snapped towards us, and Rocky let out a sharp hiss. "Just ignore him and keep walking. As long as you don't do anything to piss him off, he shouldn't bother you. You haven't oppressed anyone or, again, mocked any masons recently, have you?" He shrugged, "Don't think so, but I think you're thinking that he's the same as yours a little too much. I have an expert plan." "What," I scoffed as I continued on, " You're going to SHOOT the immortal ghost pony that killed a guy just by SHOUTING at him? Or maybe you'll shoot him? Shooting always works oh so well on those undead, non corporeal types, doesn't it?" I asked snarkily. "That wasn't my plan. I was just going to suggest running. But now he's gone there's not really any point." He said, hopping up on my back again. "Anyway, the village shouldn't be too far ahead now." ~~~~~~~~Two hours later~~~~~~~~ "My hooves hurt, I'm thirsty, you're heavy are we there yet?" I whined, way past caring at the comfort of my companions. He let out a groan, "Almost. Will you stop complaining?! I haven't complained once!" "Well you haven't walked for the past five hours, so I can see why you're so dang comfortable..." "Yeah, you're right. It is pretty comfy. Think I'll take a nap." I could practically FEEL his shit eating grin directed at the back of my head. "Oh no," I intoned, jolting painfully on my hooves. It probably caused me more pain than it caused him discomfort. "Looks like we're coming across some bumpy ground here~. If only there wasn't so much weight on my back, I might be able to provide a smoother ride!" I paused momentarily, reflecting on the horrible choice in words I selected. "No homo." He pressed himself against the back of my neck and head, slowly started stroking my hair and creepily whispered in my ear, "Yes homo," before running his tongue over my ear. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NONO NO NO NO NO NO NO I will admit. I acted rashly. I bucked the creepy little squirrel straight into a tree trunk. "Are...you all right?" He started laughing, "So unbelievably worth it!" and giggled before beginning to climb a tree. "Give me a minute, I need to see where it is." After checking it out he climbed back down grinning, "Just up ahead!" he rushed forwards, "Come on!" "You said 'just up ahead,' hours ago. Is this ACTUALLY just up ahead, or are you just trying to make me feel better?" I sighed. "It really is just up ahead! Look!" Rocky pulled apart some bushes to reveal a village. "Well?" He pulled aside a large swathe of bushes, and lo and behold, there actually was a bunch of houses and....ponies staring at us. Hmmm. An earth pony mare, a living tree, and a raccoon with an inferiority complex walk into a-no, no, no, stop me if you've heard this one before. Regardless, we did make a motley crew. AND NO ONE WAS SAYING ANYTHING. JUST STARING AT US. Pretty sure they had to breathe at some point in time, they couldn't stay silent forever. It wasn't long before a stallion began to scream like a girl. "Monsters! Murderers! GUARDS!!! GUARDS!!!" "Oh dear god," I muttered, a perverse sense of dejavu hitting me. "Its just like the damned farm all over again." I pulled the shiny ball and chain of a medal from around my neck(Its just a small, polished circle of metal with equestrian text on it, along with the signet of a sun yingyanging with the moon) and held it up as high as I could. "EVERYPONY QUIET!" I yelled, actually managing to snap the stallion out of his destructive rant. And yes. I said everypony. I hate myself for that line, but when pretending to be a pony...I guess...."I am here on business from Canterlot. If you attempt to shun my guards in any way, shape size or form, I will be most displeased by your lack of harmonious intent and action, and WILL detail as such in my report to the diarchy." Hopefully none of them knew enough about 'diplomat of the diarchy' status to know I was blowing as much as I could out of my ass. I might be able to remember enough from my books to formulate a feasible semblance of understanding regarding the law, but if they called me out on this... "Now, before we were waylaid by a group of bandits, I believe I had an appointment with the mayor of this...fine...burg?" I tried to make my speach as lilting and pretentious as I could. Might as well play the part, right? "I am Groot." Tree man hissed at me as quietly as he could. "Seriously Wade, the snozzberries do you think you're doing?" Rocky hissed at me as well. "Getting us into a position of endearment, hopefully away from the mob of horses that could make our life difficult, and subsequently putting us in a room with an individual of office that can protect us from said mob, once we explain ourselves. You got a better idea? Perhaps, shooting at everything and everyone in sight like a lunatic?" The little suicidal jerk GRINNED."Actually, yeah, that sounds fun." I tried to cow him with a glare. My glares are more frowns though... "I was joking! Jeez, fine! We'll do it your way. Lead the way." We were led to a large hall looking place by guy we first met, and "Excuse me ma'am," started a posh looking stallion with a hairdoo that looked like a powder wig like ye olde time judges wore. "You are, ahem, the representatives from Canterlot? Yes? I will admit, we do appreciate your expedient arrival, I hadn't actually expected you to arrive until sometime next week... I understand the rural nature of our little...'burg' causes nothing but stress for you higher ups..Oh but where are my manners, my name is Mayor Mane-" Seriously? Another horse in office NAMED Mayor? That HAD to have been uncomfortable growing up. "And is my distinct pleasure-" he glared at the stallion that had screamed like a little girl, causing him to wander off with an ashamed look on his face. "- to welcome you to our fine home of Fapsville!" That...okay, screw you multilingual translation spell, now I KNOW you're screwing with me. There's no way this should have flied. "The pleasure really is all ours, Mr Mane. Now if we could discuss this in private? Perhaps in your office?" He sounded...too sure of himself. Shit, he probably knew I wasn't here on appointment. Well, at least we were away from all the little pony people that could have surrounded us and been shot to death by a certain homicidal raccoon... "My thanks." I replied before we entered the room. Just to be surrounded by a roomful of white coated ponies in golden armor. One of them stepped forwards, his armor purple with a starburst emblem and his mane two different shades of blue. "You are under arrest by the order of Princess Celestia of Equestria!" He declared. Great. I traded the untrained civvies for the freaking GUARD. To hell with it, I didn't care anymore. "Well then. I think this is more your scene," I gestured towards Rocky, "So I'm just going to sit this one out. Rest my aching hoovsies." And with that I walked past a stunned guard trying to menace me with a spear, and plopped my equine behind on a lounge chair/couch thing. "Have fun. I tried to be diplomatic. Since they don't really wanna talk, or be reasonable, INTELLIGENT adults, I don't really see what else 'I' personally can do. Wake me when its over." "Fine. Let's try things your way, kid." What? Rocky Raccoon being a normal human being? Preposterous. He turned towards the leader of the troupe."What exactly are the grounds for my arrest?" Blue Hair blinked, as if he just expected them to attack. Not blaming him. Placing his spear down he glowered at the little varmint. "Murder. The group of ponies in Trottingham and then in the woods near Trottingham was the slaughtered camp of Diamond Dogs. While I only had orders about the two of you, I'll have to arrest you too, ma'am." Great. At least once I got pulled back, I wouldn't have to deal with this any more. Have fun explaining that empty prison cell, or whatever they detained baddies in. "What?" Rocky angrily hissed. "You are arresting us for killing bandits and slavers?!" He yelled, his claw twitching towards his gun. "We did your job for you!" He bared his fangs. "We saved countless lives! And you're arresting us for that?!" "Penal code one five eighteen of the solar proclamation. Any use of excessive or lethal force within the borders of Equestria, regardless if it be warranted or not, is punishable within a court of law. So, who exactly are the witnesses testifying against us? Do you have magic chronometer scans to back up said claims? I sure hope you're not wasting our time without any proof." I rattled off, still in my reclined position. The chronometer scans only pertained to a scene that didn't have physical witnesses, so he might just dismiss that part. All in all, thank you for that book, you perverted world of sexed up creeps. The captain looked stunned. "I...I'm sorry. But as a suspect your word and all potential statements that would make this arrest null has been made void by Special Decree six two of the Solar Proclamation. I'm sorry. Witnesses put them at the scene of one of the crimes and the wounds and residue match the Diamond Dog's." Rocky groaned and eyed the guards. "So. Ponies won't accept me. What about that other species you mentioned?" Changelings? They might...or they might just as easily not. Better not to get his hopes up. "The Changelings? They...don't tend to trust outsiders much." He sighed. "So it comes to this." He pulled out his guns and the guards took up defensive positions. "What...will happen to me?" The captain narrowed his eyes, "I...don't know exactly. You'll probably spend years in Canterlot dungeon. Maybe...maybe even for the rest of your life. But the Princesses are kind and just. They...they'll do everything they can to keep it fair. I swear it on my honor as the Captain of the Royal Guard." "What's your name?" Rocky asked. "Shining Armor." SHIT. This fob was Twilights brother? DANG. That complicated matters. Or maybe not. Always a chance I could talk us out of this... "Sorry," No Rocky what are you doing-"but I don't plan on getting locked up! Groot, now!" On command Groot slammed the guards aside, then Treebeard grabbed me bodily from the couch, and hoisted me over his shoulder. Then the crazy twig leaped through a window. Thank god none of the glass managed to cut me. Or him, I guess. When he landed, Rocky leapt out through the same window, also avoiding getting cut. Lucky bastard. He clambered up onto Groots other arm, we all took off into the forest. "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-so-o-o-oo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o, y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-o-o-o-oo-o-o-oo-o-o-o-o-oo-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u, suuuuuuuuuuure leeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaave quiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan iiiiiiimpreeeeeeeeeeeesion-" I managed to get out, bumping along as I was on the non shock absorbent tree shoulder. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We left the town far behind us, and Groot placed Rocky and myself in a clearing in the forest. "KRUTACKING WANKERS!!! Wonderful PIECES OF SHIT!!! BURN IN A Marvelous OVEN, YOU Bad People!!!" Leeeeeeeeeeet it all out you crazy little raccoon you. better in than out. "How could they do this? I saved lives, is that not important to them?! Not allowed to kill to save a life?! Put in a dungeon for the rest of my life?!" He turned to me, "How's this standing up to your Equestria so far?" he asked harshly. "Can't say I'm a fan, honestly. Shot at by a trigger happy...guy. Had to walk for half a day, then attacked by a group of exceptionable rude individuals. And THEN, we get to civilization. And I just go and prove I'm absolutely useless. Honestly, I'm not sure why you even called me here, I've been more of a hindrance than anything..." I trailed off, laying down on the ground. I wasn't in a depressive slump, I just wanted to collect my thoughts. What exactly had I done to help? He shook his head, "Kid, while you might not've done anything, you've been helpful. You planted seeds of doubt about us in that captain's head, you kept a cool head in a tough situation, you helped us, you listened to us when we needed it. Besides, Groot likes you, and I'm starting to agree. Don't think yourself useless, you're smart, that's sometimes all you need," he chuckled, "Never told you my name, did I? Let me properly introduce myself. Name's Rocket. So, any clue as to where to go from here?" "Well...not sure how exactly the laws from the book I read follow your Equestria, not even sure exactly how well I'm remembering all this." I lifted my head, "But you could seek sanctuary from the gryphon empire, if they actually ARE an empire in this world. You'd have to undergo a challenge of right to receive citizenship, but from what I read they're always looking for strong additions. If you're accepted, you'll receive diplomatic immunity. Or you should, anyway. They'd probably give you a puffed up punishment, like house arrest or something to appease the diarchy. Still, you might be able to get into an amiable talking situation if they weren't trying to throw you in chains..." I trailed off. Even if they did manage to worm their way into the gryphon government, that type of situation could take up to YEARS to come to fruition. "Or, you could just go around Equestria and try to gain favor. If you had a big enough movement behind you, the princesses wouldn't dare detain you. They pride themselves on the harmony they have throughout the land, if the happiness of the inhabitants rests on your own well-being then they'll try to stay in your favor." Made sense in my head anyway. He nodded, "That sounds better, I'm not the kind of guy to just run and beg for help. Looks like my plan after all, huh, Groot?" "I am Groot" He looked over at me. "I am Groot? I am Groot." Bah. not like I approved. There's a reason Batman is never shown working with the law. "Well, I think you'd be best off finding an Apple family member, seeing as theirs is the largest family in Equestria. If you can get in good with one of them, they'll end up spreading your fame to the other members of the family, and that would end up spreading your good name all over the place. And just as a tip?" I pointed towards Rockets guns, "The Equestrians are absolutely mental about lethal force. Killing folks isn't doing anything for your image, regardless of whether or not you think its justified. Just try above and beyond to cripple, not kill from now on. If the civies see you going above and beyond to exhaust all options before resorting to such an easy, brutal solution? They'll think that much more of you." Rocket nodded, "Aim for the extremities, got it." he narrowed his eyes, "But if it comes down to using lethal force or failing to save someone, I'm going for lethal force every time." He looked away, "I'm not going to let someone die because of me." "Be that as it may. If you can find a way to end it peacefully, do so. You'll never gain their trust if they view you as a threat." Snarky little raccoon rolled his eyes at me, "Duh. I'm not an idiot." "I am Groot?" Groot asked, a grin on his face. "Oh, shut up." He chuckled. "All right, we better get moving before they come after us. Any idea which way we should go, Groot?" He looked around before scooping up a handful of dirt. "hmmm" He creaked his wood, as he let the dirt fall to the ground. "I...am Groot?" He pointed. "I am Groot." Rocket raised an eyebrow. "The dirt feels different? Yeah, way to make sense." "I am Groot." He shot back, leading the way through the trees. After a few minutes he jumped back up onto my back again. "How's it going, Wadey? Liking the new digs? I call it, forest with fugitives." He dug his claws into my back, and I suppressed a wince. "Knowing the violent occurrences that follow you two like a bad stench, I wouldn't doubt it. I'm going to go ahead and call it though, diamond dogs." I suppressed a grin and continued. "Diamond dogs with magic of some sort. And all of them wearing hammer pants. Plus, for no reason whatsoever, they'll all have french accents." He laughed hysterically. "Tha...th..." He burst into another round of laughter. "Good one! Oh, I'd love to see that!" It wasn't long before Groot stopped. "What's up Groot?" "I am...Groot." Groot warned. "I am Groot." Rocket nodded, "Of course." He leaped off me and charged ahead. "YEAAAAAAHHHH!!!" What the hell. says one thing and does another. Why am I still surprised? "I am Groot!" Groot said as we came into the clearing Rocket had run off to."I...I am Groot?" We stared at the grey, small, cube shaped spaceship thing that was crashed into a ditch in the middle of the clearing. It had no wheels but a set of high tech looking bumps, the doors looked like the kind of things you'd see in a space station, airlocks. The windows were black and looked futuristic. In fact, the entire thing did. The back had a large gash on it and several boxes were spilled out. "Uhhh, correct me if I'm wrong, but this isn't an Equestria where they put Luna on the moon by dropping her off with a spaceship, is it? They aren't flying around in hovercars and the village I saw was only an Amish setup?" I asked, a slight waver to my voice. "Uh...n...no. The history book said...no. No spaceships. Hey! Come on, guys!" Rocket said, running towards the spaceship. "I am Groot?" Groot asked. "If we can get this thing working we can have a mobile base! And look! Party favors! Hey! It even has a stun setting!" "YAAAAARGHHHHHHH!!! I DON'T WANNA GO IN THE WATER IT...shrivels...my...giblets?" I trailed off, a tremendous headache swelling behind my brow. My extremities twitched and shook, my hooves and hocks feeling like I had just downed three monsters in quick succession. "Phew....we were... space ship," I rose to a standing position, trying to shake myself out of my funk. "We, they were, ship and saw...what the hell happened?"Oh goodie, I managed to re-acquire the ability to speak like a normal person. "Why do I-" I sniffed a couple times, wiggling my back legs to confirm my suspicions. "Did I... piss myself?" "Uh..." The demonic little jerk stuttered, trying to hide some sort of rifle behind his back, "A...unicorn came out of the woods and hit you with some spell before running off. He got away and you wouldn't wake up, so...uh...I...uh, Groot crushed your leg. You transformed into a human and then back to a pony and your injuries...diss...appeared...Yeah, you pissed yourself." His excuse smelled worse than the puddle of uria staining the insides of my legs. "I...I'm not even gonna ask. I don't care. Whatever you did," I rubbed my temple, "Please don't do it again. And a tip from a liar. Don't make lies based off of something you don't understand." I raised my left foreleg, showing off my watch. "This tracks how much magic energy I have left. I had twenty six back when I first did this morph earlier. Seeing as the counter hasn't dipped any lower, that means I haven't demorphed or morphed since then." I lowered my leg, turning and trying to paw through a shattered crate to look for perhaps a towel. Something to dry myself off. "When you lie, use the truth to back it up. Otherwise people immediately suss it out and it just reflects badly on you." "Whatever, bedwetter." I threw a thingy from the box at his head. "Ow." He muttered,"What's the matter, bedwetter?" He teased as Groot started moving the crates. "Don't like the name? Too bad. Joking aside, what's up north? North sounds like a good place. Oh yeah, you keep comparing this Equestria to the same place along the timeline as yours. It might be earlier or later. Just saying." "Haven't seen anything to confirm that or compare to..." I muttered, pulling out another tube. "What the hell does-NYEHEAFG." The tube lit up, becoming a freaking lightsaber. I will admit, I dropped the damn thing. Thankfully it turned off as soon as it hit the ground. "Huh. Another one." He muttered. "They're, uh, like stun rods from what I can tell. Take it, it might help if you're in trouble. Seems to be mild shock only. Perfect for someone like you." I picked up the tube, and inspected it. A non lethal weapon? Sure, why not. I tucked it into my hair(I had noticed by now that pony hair was prehensile. it would fall out when I morphed back, but its not like I brought my backpack with me...) "Sure. Thanks. Maybe you should take one too, give you more options than 'shoot it in the head', ya know?" "Already have, little man. Besides I think we'll set up camp here, go through the crates, try and get that thing working." He looked like he was about to say more when the stun rod in my hair shimmered. "Hey, pass that back a second." I raised an eyebrow, but complied. He turned in over in his claws. A blue wisp flew out of his mouth and into the Shocker. He blinked at the thing and was about to pass it back when a brown wisp flew in. We both looked over to Groot, who was shaking his head. He finally passed it back to me. "Hey, uh, try calling for help from us through that." I stared at the tube with a raised eyebrow. Taking it back in a hair strand, a familiar voice echoed around me. "Hey, uh, try calling for help from us through that." "Well. Guess that works. Cool." I tucked it back in the increasingly messy mop of hair atop my head. I looked over at Groot, who was obviously trying to stifle a laugh. "Maybe, hopefully, that's now one of those summon things. Uh, call us if you need help, like, you're being attacked, or where you live has bandit trouble." He let out a grin. "Or a snob needs putting in his place." "Sure thing. And its actually attached to something useful. I've already almost used Aurics coin as a normal bit twice, and I literally can't think of a way to use a bell except as a trophy. Maybe I should get a loop thingy welded to it, so I can hang it on my belt?" "Hang what on your belt?" Twilight asked, peeking over the top of her pad of paper, where she was still scrabbling away on. Friggin scientist. What? I didn't even get the 'hook feeling' in my gut this time. One second I was there, the next I was back in Twilights castle. At least I didn't come back by landing on my face. "When did...you morph?" Great, no time had passed here apparently. That meant my sleep schedule was going to be even more out of whack. "Different Equestria. Been there for like, half a day." She sniffed the air, lowering her pad of paper. "Is that..." Her eyes narrowed. "Why do you smell like urine?" Oh yeah, that. Honestly slipped my mind. "That would be because....uh...well...I pissed myself, and I don't know precisely why. I think it might have something to do with one of my new friends accidentally shooting me with a futuristic gun of some sort." "...'Friends'. Right. Well that stinks, so go take a shower or something. Wait, would that stay if you morphed back?" A good question. I wonder... "I don't know? I never noticed dirt or dust or otherwise shifting from my coat to my clothes...Never payed attention though." "Well go clean up then, you're dripping on the carpet." With that, she lowered her eyes to her pad of paper again, that stupid quill fluttering away. While I stood in her bathroom, I made a good discovery. Piss don't dissapear when you morph.