Badger, the Hippogriff

by Solar Eclipse


Dear Princess Celestia..

New Teacher. May what ever deity you worship to have mercy on me.
[Rage speaks in this]
~I respond to him in this~
I think in this

Dear Princess Celestia,
As a soldier in the Equestrian Military, it has come to my attention pegasi CAN fight. I have seen this personally, in a first hand experience of getting my ass whooped by five of them. I ask of you for two things:

1) PLEASE send them in onto the front lines, they can kick some serious ass. They don't need to be standing motionless at every door in the castle. They need to be out and about. I had one of the ponies call a damned thunderstorm on me, and it is still over my head even as I have my girlfriend write this for me. And another thing- OW! FUCK lost my train of thought. Don't put that last part in there okay Gilda? Anyways, use some unicorns as guards. Much more effective

2) They are pretty much three times as fast as any hippogriff I've seen. Instead of sending your top soldiers out to recon, why not send them? They are small, light weight, and (HOPEFULLY) can fly well enough to dodge arrows being shot at them. Also it's hard to catch them. Very hard. Especially if you finally have one and then that one wiggles free and kicks said hippogriff in the very sensitive area.

~Trying to keep calm while in pain,
H-375, Badger



Gilda had just given the letter to the mail mare, when the small cloud above me (that has stayed with me for two fucking days) shocked me with lightning again. "FUCKING STOP DOING THAT!!!" I cried out. I was already laying outside of the cloud-infirmary. I heard laughing. I turned my head around to look at who it was, and it was the same bastard that gave me the damned cloud. I looked forward slowly, purposefully exaggerating my movements. I got up slowly and uber-slow-mo walked to her. Two days since that offer I told Gilda about paying the 'ponies only' place a visit. My ass got kicked. And SHE gave me the damned cloud...

"Fix it. Now."

She started to laugh harder. "Or what?" Replied the brownish pegasus.

[Or you're going straight to the moon, beeyatch.]

Gilda appeared behind the pegasus out of nowhere, and softly laid her arm over the pegasus's shoulder, with her claw softly scratching its chin. She whispered into its ear, "Do you like talking and laughing?"

The look on her face was priceless. Hey eyes were the largest I've ever seen a pony make.

[If I had an internet, she would win one.]

~Wait, what the hell is an 'internet'?~

[Wouldn't you like to know?]

The pegasus waved a hoof through the cloud, letting it disintegrate. She looked nervously at Gilda and me, then flew off as fast as she could. We started laughing, almost rolling on the cloud.

I took breaths between my words, "The look.... On her face... BWAHAHAHAA!!"

It took a good five minutes to stop laughing. Gilda looked up at the sun and said, "Oh shit, we're late to class!"

"Which class!?!?!"

"Does it matter?"

"YES!!"

"Uhhhhh... I think science, ground one anyways. Teacher is a 'Mr. D'."

"WE GO!" I grabbed her in my arms in a tight embrace and jumped off the side of the cloud, her screaming all the way.


````````````````````````````````In class`````````````````````````````



We walked into class, with about a minute to spare. I took one step and and stopped anything and everything. Shit almost literally hit the fan. Ponies, desks, griffons, and everything of the sort, was quite literally, FLYING around the room, in an almost zero gravity state. [Uhhhhh... Houston... We have a problem.] I saw the light blueish mare that wanted to rape me on the day that shall live in infamy, and she was trying to magic her way out of her floating chair. It was funny because the harder she tried to stop the random spinning, the faster it got.

I looked around amazed at the scene in front of me. I heard a loud bang, but payed it no mind, to much shit flying. There were only two chairs, side by side. I made my way over to them with Gilda, and the second we sat down our bottoms were stuck to the chairs, and we started to fly with the others.

"Once you get past the nausea, this is actually kind of fun!" I thought aloud.

As soon as I said that, a door appeared out of nowhere in the middle of class, and opened itself up, revealing a draconequis. Wait... I know that face... I've seen him before...

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"GOOOOD morning class!! Some of you may recognize me, for I am, the amazing, beautiful, charming, sunning, and any other flttering word you want to throw my way, Discord!" A huge fireworks display went off behind him. He smiled, snapped his fingers and the door disappeared, and was replaced by a recliner. "Today's lesson?" He casually looked at the still floating class, who's faces was utter surprise. "CHEMISTRY!"

"But fiirrrsstt..." Discord slithered through the air over to me. "Tell me Badger, do you like banana's?"

Rage took control of my mouth for a second screaming out, "I REFUSE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION!"

[This... Is the best day of my life.]

"Oh, Rage! Why didn't you just let him answer the question, and figure it out for himself?" Discord replied

Wait, what!? Did he just-

"Indeed I did, Mr. Badger! Now, for the first step, pick up the thermite!" He said, snapping his ... Fingers.(?) And bag after bag of some sort of... brownish / metallic looking powder, just poofed into existence inside of the room. "Now! Start your Bunson-burners!"

```````````Three hours later```````

It took a short time for the firefighters to arrive, but it took forever for them to put out the fires. Discord was sitting in a lawn chair, stuffing his face with popcorn, watching the fire.

[Some men, just want to watch the world burn]

Discord looked my way and smiled. "It's not JUSt that, it's also the fact so so much 'normal'. Why not shake things up a bit?" Then back to the fire, with his unlimited amount of popcorn. The lucky bastard.

Gilda was next to me, coughing out some smoke she accidently inhaled. I looked to her concerned, but she just nodded that she was fine. I looked back to Discord, who was now eating a pink cloud, and literally drinking the cup that surrounded chocolate milk. He threw the motionless milk over his shoulder, put on some sunglasses, and the milk exploded, creating another fire. His chair turned as if on a axis, then morphed into a hammock, watching as more firefighters ran off to the newer fire.

[I fucking love this guy.]