Change is Good
Free Market Exile
I'll say it like this: I hate shopping.
Actually, to be honest, I don't hate shopping, I hate the baggage that comes with shopping...
Dealing with people.
Now, before anypony here interrupts me, let me just explain something. I don't hate people, or even dislike them all that much. I just hate dealing with them in the plural sense. An actor in a movie once said 'a person is smart, but people are dumb, panicky, stupid animals and you know it'. My experience has come to agree with that for the most part.
Now humans, of which I am-slash-was, are inclined to be as lazy as possible. Not that this is a bad thing, but our development as a whole has been based around this one basic concept:
How to make things easier.
From what I've seen, it's much the same for ponies, but they've had it both easier and harder thanks to magic giving you certain abilities humans can't even hope to possess. Humans of course don't have magic. So we had to do it the hard way. And that's effectively where my entire field of Electronics comes from. However, it's not just electronics, but every aspect of life we've been seeking to do easier and faster, including groceries.
Enter the Supermarket.
Chrissy already explained a parking lot to you. We use such areas to leave our vehicles in place for quick access and use. But as you might have realized, only a location that can hold a lot of humans would need such a vast expanse to hold only their chariots. You might find yourselves asking what could possibly need so much space. A hospital is one such place, but we have many others. But what?
The answer is a market square unlike anything you've ever seen. A single building - a warehouse - that is as large inside as could hold the entire volume of Canterlot Castle - Hold that thought Miss Clear... Now, imagine that inside that castle-sized building are rows upon rows of shelves packed with every possible ware the average pony could ever need. Food, clothes, bath supplies, cleaning supplies, medicine, books, toys, appliances, entertainment... If you need it in your home, or just want it in your home, it can be found there. All of that, in a nice, well-lit indoor environment where no matter what the weather is doing, or what time of day it is, you can walk in, get EVERYTHING you need, pay for it, and head home in the span of an hour or less.
Naturally, such a large place exists because there are a lot of people who need home supplies on a near-constant basis. We congregate en-mass to this place because someone realized it would be convenient to supply customers with everything they could possibly want in the same store.
Of course, that means that if you wanted to shop, you had to meet your fellow man...
“It's so big...”
“That's what she said.”
I about struck the teen that said that only moments after 'Christy' got her first look into the Abilene Super Wal-Mart... Wally-World's just a silly pet name people have for it. Luckily, the little twit was faster than I was by a long shot and scrambled out the door snickering before I could make up my mind if the lawsuit would be worth smacking him into the next week.
With no work on a Friday I just opted to sleep in until around nine or so in the morning. 'Christy' had been out like a light the moment her head touched pillow, and even as I made a simple egg breakfast she was still catching Z's like she didn't have a care in the world.
That worked fine for me, since I wanted to wait until well after the morning rush to attempt shopping. I wasn't looking forward to shopping, let alone the kind of shopping I had to take care of. So the fewer the number of people that were around, the better.
Now, if I had known I was dealing with someone who actually wasn't human at the time, I would have complimented her on how fast she got the hang of things. The drive into town occurred without any incidents you haven't already had described. She still looked like she was on a power trip in the passenger seat, but it was more subdued until we arrived at the store.
Now, I guess the day before I'd been parked in the shade. Because not five seconds out of the truck and she was practically dancing in place. In case you're wondering, humans have soft feet, and asphalt- the material we make parking lots with -gets super hot in the sun. The Hot Asphalt Hop 'Christy' was doing only served to remind me that she needed shoes ASAP.
We stopped on the way in to let her experiment for a moment with the automatic sliding glass doors. She kept looking around as if trying to find something, and then tried waving her hands until I'd asked her if she'd never heard of a motion detector before.
Once I'd at least said that much, she seemed to think on it and nod before moving on inside...
That's when the real fun began.
Not two seconds in the door and she was like a foal in a candy store, or 'kid in a candy store' as we say. Add this behavior to her already growing list of oddities. She was trying not to act it, but I knew 'overwhelmed' from a mile away and then some.
First stop, shirts.
Actually, no. The first stop was ten seconds later when 'Christy' spied one of the self-powered shopping carts near the door.
“This wagon...” she frowned at it. “Does it move on its own?”
“Yes,” I answered. The greeter in the mean time was giving me a rather perplexed look. I just shrugged at him in return.
“Why is it different than all those other wagons then?” 'Christy' asked.
The greeter beat me to the answer.
“The motorized baskets are a courtesy provided by Wal-Mart for those customers who are either disabled or have mobility problems.” Stock answer, you can tell by the tone of voice.
The moment he finished talking, I saw a large grin sprout on 'Christy's' features. I would come to associate that grin with trouble, but at the time I didn't know what I was getting myself into.
“Perfect!” she announced. “This will make this task much easier for me.”
I reached out to grab her but missed her arm as she sat herself down purposefully in the seat and looked up and forward with a posture far too confident for how she'd been a moment ago.
“Eh-” the greeter stuttered at her rather bold action. “Ma'am, please consider people who actually require this service. It would be unfair to-”
“Are you blind?” 'Christy' went right into her 'imperious' tone of voice and went from excited to- well -angry in under a second. “I barely managed to make it from the... truck to here without falling on my face! And that burning ground certainly didn't help!”
The poor guy backed off in surprise at her near snarl to his face. As far as I was concerned, she had to be bipolar. That was the only explanation I could think of. Reaching out, I pulled him away, shaking my head.
“Let it go,” I muttered. “She just got out of the hospital and does have trouble walking. Besides-” I waved my hand to the remaining carts. “-you've got five more. And I plan to be in and out as fast as possible.”
That earned me a shaky nod from the greeter while my charge gave a satisfied smirk. Then she turned around, her smirk widening back into that danger grin as she placed her hands on the steering bar...
After a few seconds I saw her shoulders slump and her head tilt.
“Forward,” she commanded. After a few more seconds and predictably, no activity, she hit the steering bar.
“Move!” she snapped in irritation.
I admit it, I found that funny. Especially when she anchored herself in the seat and started rocking back and forth. The action brought a fresh look of confusion from the greeter now that he'd gotten over his shock. I just returned it with another shrug before 'Christy' turned around with a scowl.
“This moving cart is controlled just like the truck, right?” she asked in a huff. “All you do is grasp the guiding part and it goes... Why is this one not working? Is it defective?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but then shut it since her tone was starting to grate on my nerves. Instead I stepped forward and pointed at the steering bar.
“You could try reading the instructions,” I stated in a voice that might as well have added 'moron' to the end. 'Christy' scowled, having obviously caught my sarcasm and looked back at the cart. After a few seconds, she tentatively reached out and touched the throttle with a tap.
“Eep!”
The cart jolted and came to stop. She did nothing for a moment, then reached forward and prodded the throttle again. The cart jolted and rolled a second time, jerking her in place. The third time, she pushed on the throttle and didn't release it, causing the cart to roll forward before the steering bar turned under her clumsy one-handed shove, and drove her right into the wall with a clank.
“A-hah!” she laughed as a few exiting customers gave her the 'watch the crazy' eye after having to dodge out of the way. “I see!”
She tapped the throttle again, this time with more confidence, and frowned when she realized it wasn't moving.
“Now what?” she all but snarled. After a moment she finally got her head on straight. “Great, it's stuck. Does this thing...?”
'Christy' played with the controls again after another pause to look at the instructions. At first, there was nothing, then I had to dodge out of the way as the cart suddenly backed up, beeping as it went.
“Careful!” I snapped on reflex.
“HAH!” she ignored me. “Take that, elements! You think I'm just going to lie down and take it!”
Then she turned to me, a huge grin of superiority on her face. “Let's go! I want to see what kind of clothes they have!”
The cart jerked, stopped, jerked again, and began to roll into the store, almost taking out another pair of shoppers as it went. I gave the greeter one last apologetic look before bounding after 'Christy', cringing as she only barely avoided taking out a battery display.
“I knew at least not to run the machine into anything,” Chrysalis swallowed the last bite of another pizza slice. “You don't have to talk about it so fatalistically. I think I did rather well for my first time driving such a thing.”
“You were having WAY too much fun,” Gazer frowned at her. “I'm honestly surprised they didn't kick us out of the store after the fifth or sixth time you ran some shoppers out of the isle.”
“I didn't hit anyone,” Chrysalis retorted with a roll of her eyes. “I know I could be called many things, but a brute is not one of them. I even said 'excuse me' to them.”
“And you wonder why I never let you drive for so long,” the drone shook his head.
So as I was saying... First stop, shirts.
Granted, 'Christy' made a grand display of 'mastering' her skills at driving a shopping cart – somehow managing not to destroy any displays or run anyone over – but I was able to steer her – pun not intended – back on the task of getting her a few sets of fitting clothes.
Shirts were by far the easiest. Well, actually, socks were. But shirts were a close second. Of course, when I say 'easy', I only mean that in the relative sense. I was dreading her being a bit picky. Heck, she was a bit picky. But the thing that got me the most was the way she went on about it.
“Is this material tear resistant?” she asked, holding up a shirt.
“It's denim,” I replied. “So yes, yes it is.”
I was expecting something frilly, or lacy, or... well, think what Fleur would pick out. I was expecting that. But the first thing 'Christy' did was discard a bunch of the lighter fabrics and set her eyes on the tough stuff. She practically ignored most anything with color in it and settled on everything with a softer gray or olive tone to it.
“You sure you don't want something lighter?” I asked. “It's august and practically broiling outside.”
My charge gave me the most curious look about that moment. I can't say for certain, but she seemed to almost fight off a scowl.
“Well what would you choose?” she suddenly snapped, then grimaced. I still couldn't make heads or tails of her mood swings. I swear up and down again I was dealing with a bipolar...
“Eh...” I glanced at the stack she'd already gone through. “I...”
She frowned at me. I felt like I was being visually dissected when she did. I'm what you would call extremely utilitarian and the question gave me serious pause. Not because I was unsure, but because I knew a trap when I heard one, or thought I did anyway. My pick was selected well before she asked me if denim was tear resistant, but I figured she'd want to go for something a little more 'presentable' as Fleur would put it.
“Well?” she asked after I'd been quiet a little too long. “Out with it... I can tell you have some idea so let's hear it.”
“Fine,” I frowned back at her. “You want my pick, you got it. Just be aware I'm dull.”
She muttered something but I didn't quite catch what it was.
“White, loose fitting cotton,” I pointed a short ways away to some shirts hanging up. “It's simple and it's easy.”
Then I turned, paused for a second, and finished my thought.
“Or gray,” I continued. “If you don't like how easily white shows being dirty.”
“Why not this?” she asked, raising the olive denim shirt she'd been looking at.
“I told you,” I sighed. “It's August, it's STUPID HOT outside. If you want to broil in your own sweat, you're welcome to, but I wouldn't be caught DEAD in dark clothing this time of year.”
'Christy' gave me a long, measured look, glancing down at the shirt for a moment and then over to the others I'd mentioned. She seemed confused for a moment, then suddenly nodded her head as if coming to a decision in a conversation I wasn't privy to.
“Very well,” she stated in that imperious tone of hers. “You make a good argument... But I'd rather have this stronger fabric. Does it come in white or gray?”
I honestly had never considered it before.
“Probably,” I sighed, turning to look at the various racks of shirts. “Somewhere...”
Looking back to 'Christy', I found her seeming to stare at me expectantly.
“What?” I asked. She scowled for a moment, then blinked as if startled and quickly turned away.
“N-Nothing,” she growled, yes growled. “Just help me find it.”
I would say that I was still torn on how to respond to her unpredictable switches to her 'demandy' tone. It was a bit jarring but I was getting a feel for it. Her behavior was a little like that of someone who was used to being in charge, and then realizing a moment later they weren't and trying to find where the line was. And it wasn't the kind of reaction you'd expect from someone who was afraid to upset you, but of someone who found yet another restriction they had to suffer through.
At the time though, I decided to humor her since I didn't want to be in the store longer than absolutely necessary. It wasn't an outrageous demand, so why not?
Her priorities never faltered either. Once we found an acceptable denim shirt or six, she seemed to stick with the idea. Anything of even remote coloration was discarded with the same disdain one might have for a scrapped paper. Honestly, I was surprised at how painless things turned out to be. Pants were similar though guessing at sizes initially made things awkward. Socks and shoes were a cinch. I'll be damned if I ever make a creature walk in any form of high heel.
It wasn't until we got to undergarments that fate decided I'd had my shopping trip a little too easy...
“I'm confused,” Nora spoke up. “After her majesty's explanation of how humans treated clothes, I understand how she would need them to provide both protection and social modesty. However, I'm not sure as to the importance of 'under'-garments or what they are for that matter.”
Gazer bit his lip visibly with his fangs and his wings fidgeted in place.
“I'll handle this one,” Fleur spoke up. “Poor Gazer would sooner chew his own legs off than be forced to explain such things to absolute strangers. Undergarments are a set of clothes worn, obviously, below normal garments. From what Chrysalis has told me, they seem to act as a second layer of protection towards one's modesty, and also as a way to keep bodily filth from building up and soiling the outer garments.”
“I see,” Nora nodded. “But I don't understand why that explanation would make him so uncomfortable.”
“Okay I'll just be blunt about it,” Chrysalis interjected while rolling her eyes. “The reason he's being so squeamish is because human undergarments are worn directly over their reproductive organs.”
Aside from the ambient buzz of the resort and the crashing of waves, it was dead quiet for several seconds. Nora worked her mouth after a moment before speaking.
“Oh...”
“Yes, yes...” the queen continued with sarcasm leaking from her voice. “Ponies and humans are so alike there. The glorious gift of life, and you hide it as best as you can as if you're afraid it will bite your face off. I'm honestly amazed the tribes survived this many generations with such crippling principles.”
“Oh yeah?” Crystal snapped at the changeling, clearly insulted. “W-Well what do you know about it?”
Gazer instantly planted a hoof to his snout. The others saw this and Crystal suddenly dreaded the answer she was about to get, given the look of chagrin on the queens face.
“I-” Chrysalis began curtly. “-am a mother; Ten thousand times over. My swarm is more than just my subjects... They are my children. Each one of them is a part of me, a piece of my own soul given flesh and a mind of its own. And while it may be said that changelings such as myself feel no love, I love all my children in that way only a mother could. To even consider that I would deny that and hide away the part of me that makes that possible is like asking Celestia to turn out the lights for eternity.”
There was a brief pause as the queen snorted.
“So pardon me if I seem completely insensitive about the reproductive habits of ponies and humans. This squeamishness you all possess towards it is amusing at best. Though I must admit, humans at least have an excuse... Their physical arrangement is obviously, if I put it delicately to keep from upsetting you, distracting.”
And the queen sat back, a smug look on her face as she let her shock tactics run their course. After another silence, a sigh and a groan escaped the drone across from her.
“Chrissy...” he all but whined. “Do you really...?”
“Oh get over yourself,” Chrysalis frowned at him. “They would need it explained at some point so I got it out of the way for you. Don't say I'm not generous enough to help you out of a spot. Plus, there's nothing being spoken of here that all present don't understand already. It could be worse after all. Your race are the ones who came up with facehuggers and xenomorphs...”
The queen then shuddered at that.
“Do NOT ask...” she added quickly. In response Gazer snorted and smirked himself.
“And I'm the squeamish one...” he muttered.
“Humans invented acid-blooded biological murder machines as entertainment!” the queen all but retched back.
“Acid-blooded?” Crystal blinked in curiosity.
“I said DON'T ASK,” the queen responded in a more forceful tone. The younger mare flinched and drooped her ears.
“Oh come on Chrissy,” Gazer sighed at the queen. “Don't be mean to the girl-” he turned to Crystal and shook his head. “What she really means is to file that as another 'you don't want to know' and leave it at that. As a human-cum-changeling, if we say you don't want to know, just drop it. Princess Luna has already told me that ponies' imaginations and nightmares aren't anywhere close to what I've seen as just horror entertainment. So I know for a fact that the worst thing you can imagine won't be as bad as actually knowing.”
“How...” Nora began. “How is that even possible? If what we can imagine isn't anywhere near what horrors you can imagine... Just how can you handle such...”
“It's a matter of perspective,” Chrysalis interrupted. “Humans in general are much more competitive, and thus much more violent creature than ponies. Really, I fit right in-”
“You make a more convincing human than a pony princess...” Gazer mumbled.
“Yes,” the queen smirked. “I do, don't I? But that's not the point. The point is that humans are much more desensitized to their violent ways. Not that most of them seek violence, but that their tolerance for what is horrifying is much higher than a pony. To put another way, ponies are sheltered.”
“Don't let Luna hear you say that,” the drone shook his head. “She'll take it as a challenge.”
“She'd try,” Chrysalis replied. “But she holds something back. But we're getting off topic. Tell them about the dressing room fiasco.”
“Oh god...” Gazer turned a slight pink hue and buried his face in his front hooves. “I was hoping we'd kind of skip that...”
“Tell them,” Chrysalis smirked. “Or I will. You already got your Get Out of Explanation Freebie.”
“Is this even appropriate for polite company?” he asked.
“It won't be if I tell it,” the queen all but purred.
“OKAY!” Gazer almost yelped. “Fine! Fine....”
I was going to gloss over this, but as I was saying, fate decided my shopping trip was going to be a bit too easy. 'Christy', despite looking like she was going to impulse shop until I dropped, had been surprisingly practical about her clothing.
However, after success with socks, shoes, shirts, and pants...
Underwear and bras were not easy.
SO...
Okay, she had no idea what to do with them, I had no idea what her size was. In general, it was awkward. It was probably the first- okay SECOND time I was at a loss with how to deal with her, and she obviously knew it.
“What are you doing?!” I hissed as she began to tug at the pants she'd been wearing. I was glad I realized what she was doing right in the middle of the lady's department and stopped her.
“I have to try these on, right?” 'Christy' took my quiet tone as some kind of cue to glance around as if looking for predators while holding up a pair of panties.
“Not right here,” I must have looked like the lacy garments were on fire as I hissed back. “What is wrong with you?! Do you want to get us thrown out or arrested?”
I wasn't so far distracted that I missed the brief look of confusion she had before she masked it. She mulled on my comment for a moment before directing me with a question of her own.
“Well, how am I supposed to figure out what size I need if I can't check them directly?”
I think I gave myself a welt when I struck my forehead with my palm.
“Christy,” I began. “There are dressing room's right over there.”
I pointed somewhat discretely and she turned to see the small hut-like structure parked in the middle of the department. I heard a small 'oh' come from her like she'd just discovered something new yet again before she started making a bee-line for it.
“Well,” she smirked over her shoulder. “That does make more sense. Come on!”
Her nonchalance about the whole thing just made me feel all the more awkward. I really wish I had known at the time. I could have handled it. I could have easily handled it. But as far as I knew, I was dealing with a woman who was either completely naive, or playing the situation for her own laughs.
The employee watching over the dressing room gave me a look of sympathy while two women snickered at my discomfort as we approached. I knew I must have been cherry red by that point. But I consoled myself in the fact that things couldn't get worse.
As a side note, ladies and gentlecolt, let me just mention that there are certain phrases you should NEVER speak, or even think about speaking.
One: Watch this...
Two: What could possibly go wrong?
Three: This couldn't possibly get any worse.
Or really, any variant thereof...
But I'd like to focus more on that last one.
“I would like to try this on,” 'Christy' announced imperiously to the employee, holding up the panties she had procured.
Subtle... Real subtle. And you know, despite being a good six-foot, four inches tall, I suddenly felt no bigger than a field mouse. The employee, for her credit, gave 'Christy' this blank look-
“Okay...”
-and nodded towards one of the dressing stalls.
It took my charge a few seconds of nothing happening before ‘Christy’ turned and gave me this... This LOOK. I don't know how to describe it, it's like she was insulted and expected me to do something about this unknown offense.
A gesture of my own towards the dressing stalls, and with a huff she turned and marched – with a momentary stumble – into a stall. She even made a show of trying to slam the door shut, but only succeeded in shutting it on a shirt...
“So what's with your girlfriend?” the dressing room overseer, her name tag said 'Linda', asked me.
I was about to give the woman a look that would translate into a words best not allowed into pony society when I realized it DID look a little like that. So rather than even bothering to correct her, I just ignored it.
“Dunno...” I shrugged. “She keeps alternating between 'lost puppy' and 'queen of everything forever'. It's like she doesn't know how to be a person. If it weren't for the fact that the doctors at the hospital already went over her with a fine tooth comb, you'd swear she was from another world.”
A loud 'THUMP!' emitted from the dressing stall, breaking my train of thought.
“You okay in there?” I asked.
“F-Fine...” Christy's voice was slightly unsteady.
“You sure?” I asked.
“FINE!” exploded back at me.
“Mreow...” I muttered quietly to myself with a shake of my head. Linda gave me a covert roll of the eyes in sympathy before asking me another question.
“So,” she began. “How long have you two been together anyway?”
I was beginning to regret not correcting her the first time if she was going to start prying like this. Like I said, I didn't really want to be there, and certainly not answering personal questions. So I decided to get a bit literal. Checking my watch, I noted the time and gave Linda her answer.
“About sixteen hours,” I replied, making a production of looking at my time piece. “Give or take fifteen minutes.”
That blink. God I love that blink. It's that moment when you know for a fact you could lose them in a conversation without even trying; The hiccup in their train of thought that makes them all but drop whatever subject they've been carrying on about.
And it served to do exactly as I wanted. Linda made a half-hearted show of being distracted by nothing and checked on some of the clothes on the return cart, granting me some peace.
That didn't last long, however, before we both could hear Christy grumbling.
“Still fine?” I called over. After a few seconds of waiting, I called again.
“Christy?”
No answer...
“Ma'am?” Linda joined me upon noticing the silence. “Are you-”
“What is this, I don't even...” Christy's voice returned suddenly. “How do-...”
Her voice trailed off for a moment. Then suddenly it came up sharp, almost accusing.
“Toby! These don't have instructions!”
It took me a moment, but the message was clear.
“Yeah, she needs help,” I sighed.
Linda nodded and walked over to the stall, knocking slightly.
“Ma'am,” she called gently. “If you need some help I can-”
The door snapped open just enough to let her in, but not enough to see from my angle. Which is kind of the point.
“Tell me how this works,” Christy's voice went into full 'Her Imperial Highness'.
“You don't know how to work a bra?” the employee lost some of her professional composure.
“What do you think?” Christy snarled. “What is this thing even for?”
“Well,” Linda stepped forward, pulling the door with her. “If you'll let me help you here. First, it's upside down and-”
“You know what?” her 'highness' declared. “Forget it, send Toby in.”
“Ma'am,” Linda began. “I'm afraid that would be inappropriate-”
“SEND TOBY IN!” Christy only managed to keep her voice below a yell as Linda came stumbling backwards out of the dressing stall. “I have no time for your games!”
Linda quickly retreated from the angry voice, turning to me with a look of shock and horror as she did so.
“Well,” she huffed out in an attempt to stay her own temper. “You heard the queen...”
There was thump in the stall that made us both cast a worried look.
“Eh-” I couldn't find something to say in response. I probably even had 'that blink' when I did so. “This is not-”
“I'll keep anyone else out of the dressing rooms,” Linda growled in irritation. “Just help your girlfriend before she makes a scene!”
I found myself gently shoved towards the door.
“She's not-”
“Go! Be quick about it!”
And I was in the stall with Christy. I didn't even have time to think about it before the problem was all but shoved in my face. Literally.
“Toby! Explain!” my charge all but commanded. And... Well... I guess I had to. Despite the indecency of the situation, I was quick to realize that not only was the bra she was attempting to wear upside down, but inside-out as well. And she seemed to have completely missed the back hook and catch, given how she tried to wear the whole thing like a sash. If I hadn't been so deathly uncomfortable about the whole thing, I probably would have laughed at how silly she looked.
“...” I opened my mouth to try and resolve the situation, but only found myself in the sudden need for a glass of water. It only served to irritate her more.
“Well?!” she asked.
The standoff lasted several more seconds, a time in which I knew my face was going even deeper into the lower spectrum before I swallowed my pride. After all, nobody knew me at that store, and I tended to avoid it most of the time anyway.
“What size is that?” was the first, probably stupidest comment I made.
“That goes for just about anything you say when you're flustered,” Chrysalis gave off a light chuckle. “It's kind of cute really. You've got such a good mask on your emotions, but a little sexual teasing and you're red as a ripe tomato in sec-”
The queen blinked as Gazer suddenly glanced away from the queen, his features discernibly more off color than the fire light would suggest.
“See?” she giggled. “There you go! I don't care what species you are! That's adorable!”
“Do you want me to finish this or not?” Gazer spat while keep his head away from the group.
“No!” Chrysalis laughed. “No... Finish already. We're all waiting for the climax.”
“CHRISSY!” the drone turned around in exasperation. The changeling queen fell over and everyone else present got a chuckle as his face, despite the dark rubber-like chitin, had crimson clearly visible on it. The laughter continued at the drone's expense for several more seconds while he bit his lower mouth with his fangs. Chrysalis recovered from her first bout of laughter, saw this, and went down a second time. This set off another round of laughter in the group which lasted another good thirty seconds.
At a loss for anything else, Gazer up-ended his sippy-cup and sucked on it for more juice, prompting round three.
After another two minutes of laughter, the group finally began to calm down again. Crystal Clear was the first to speak, asking a question.
“So what IS a bra anyway?” she asked. “I've never heard of such a thing.”
Gazer released his cup with an audible 'pop'. Chrysalis stifled another laugh, earning her a glare before he continued.
“Well,” he began. “If you recall from Chrissy's earlier demonstration, the mammaries, or breasts on human females are located on the upper torso and stick out quit a bit from their chest at times. On-” he coughed “larger specimens, this can become troublesome. The mammaries are essentially held in place by fatty tissues and tendons, which can weaken and break down over time, causing the whole structure to droop and sag as one ages. This has the effect of making them both visually unappealing and uncomfortable, or even painful. A bra is a garment designed to prevent this by providing additional physical support to the breasts by holding them up and in place. Think of it as a shelf you wrap around yourself to hold them up... If that makes sense.”
The queen let out another burst of laughter at the description as the youngest mare in the group nodded with an audible 'ohhhhh' to emphasize her understanding.
“So am I to assume that because of the social taboos on reproductive activity and the nature of the purpose of this garment,” Nora began on the heels of her younger compatriot's revelation, “that this whole situation was... Oh my.”
Gazer took a deep, unsteady breath to fight another non-magical color change.
“Awkward...” he finished. “So very awkward.”
“Only for you,” Chrysalis sat up, fighting away another laugh.
“Yeah,” the drone shook his head. “You were too busy being angry at the universe right about then...”
“What are you do-”
“That's not what the elastic is for.”
“Ow! Watch it!”
“Look, you're making it worse, just-”
“THAT'S COLD!”
“Stop squirming, I can't do it like that.”
“What are you even doing back-”
“This is all wrong, how did you even-”
“Hey! Don't do that!”
“It's too big for you, I have to-”
“Is this yours or MINE?”
“I'm just trying to-”
“You dare to argue with-”
“Christy... If you would hold still for FIVE SECONDS.”
Yeah, trying to help fit a bra on a woman I barely knew was awkward. Her complete lack of modesty around me both did, and didn't help. I was aware that our snipped comments could be taken in many ways that could be easily misunderstood, but there was just no helping it. Christy knew about as much about a bra as I do about pony cutie marks.
Eventually, I got fed up with it. Christy was worse than a four-year-old and couldn't, or wouldn't hold still long enough for me to explain anything. My frustration overrode any embarrassment I had been harboring about the situation and caused me to clap my hand down on her shoulder.
It must have reminded her of that scuffle we'd had when I found her, because she locked up still as a statue. I forget from time to time, but for a human, I'm huge. I know ponies don't have any sense of our size, but I towered over 'Christy' the way her normal form does over you now. And trust me when I say that the moment something with that kind of size advantage decides to lay a hand down on someone, you pay attention.
Honestly, I didn't notice for a few seconds, but when I realized I may have scared or hurt her, I immediately let go. Forgetting your own strength comes with the territory of being big, and with that comes the fear of accidentally hurting someone.
“Sorry!” I nearly yelped. “Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I?”
Christy's response was slow as she recovered from her own momentary shock.
“I- what? WHAT?” she asked.
“Are you okay?” I repeated. She gave me this look for a second that spoke of confusion, like such a concern wasn't what she thought had me so scared.
“I'm fine,” she snapped, her imperious attitude returning with aplomb.
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Why is it you always ask that?” she turned to glare at me, an action that quickly reminded me how awkward the situation was. “I wouldn't say it if I wasn't.”
“Fair enough...” I found myself raising my hands defensively and trying to turn my head away. “I just like to clarify.”
“Any more clear and I'd see right through you!” she snapped.
Hey now...
I crossed my arms and let what I thought was a pretty strong disapproving frown form on my face. Forget awkward situations for just a moment. There are a few things I can't take. One of those being insulted when the person is effectively a charity case. Even Christy seemed to realize she made a mistake when I did that.
“...” her mouth opened and she looked to the side, but no words came out. A glance back at me was met with a continued glare before she looked away again.
“I...” she tried once more, probably an excuse, but she still fell flat.
“I'm TRYING to be nice,” I frowned. “You're not making it easy.”
In retrospect, that was the second time I had to draw the line. And I think she knew it. I received a scowl in return, but it was look that seemed to have some level of grudging respect as she slowly nodded.
“Okay,” I continued. I hate being the bad guy. Probably why I never had kids. “Now let's get this thing on you the right way so we can actually figure out how... big you are.”
Christy continued not to make eye contact, but shook her head in affirmation. She let off a little growl to herself in the process while continuing to say nothing. Other than that, she was quiet while I worked to fit the piece to her. In all honesty, I almost preferred it when she was making a fuss because it kept me distracted. By the time we found the right size, three attempts later, I’m pretty sure I was sweating and trying not to fidget.
“There…” I sighed. “I think that’s the right fit.”
“Huh…” Christy made a sound like she was somewhat impressed, and then spun around while handling her female assets to test out the effectiveness of the bra. “That’s actually not bad. Not bad at all. You should feel this. This is-“
And she reached out and grabbed me by the wrist, pulling my hand towards her chest. My reflexes were faster than my brain though, and before the motion was completed, I jerked my arm back violently to free it. Unfortunately, her grip was stronger than one would expect, and I ended up yanking her right into me.
A stumble, yelp, and a thud later and I was sitting on the ground with my back to the wall while Christy, who’d somehow managed not to come down with me, stared on like I was an idiot. After a second, she blinked as a smirk of genuine amusement crossed her features.
“Are you okay?” she asked. Gently reaching down, she cupped my chin with her hand and brought my face up to look at her.
“You like what you see,” she asked, her smirk wide as she leaned in closer. “Don’t you?”
I about choked to death on my own saliva about then. The coughing fit making the perfect excuse to break eye-contact with her.
‘Knock-knock-knock’
“Ma’am? Sir?” the voice of Linda came from the other side of the door. “If you two are okay and about finished-“
The inflection on ‘finished’, sonuva…
“-I have other customers who need to use the dressing rooms.”
‘Christy,’ lost her amused smirk, seemingly annoyed at what I considered a welcome interruption.
“We’ll be finished when we’re-“ she began in Imperial Mode, but as Godzilla proves time and again, bigger is better, especially when it comes to how loud one’s voice is.
“We’re done!” I interrupted in a tone slightly higher than I would like to admit. “We’ve got it figured out and I’ll be out in a second, thank you.”
“Spoil sport,” Chrysalis pouted.
“You wouldn’t have liked a human prison,” Gazer retorted.
Anyway...
Once I had Christy more or less sorted out, I exited the dressing room to discover that a good six people had shown up. Six! You'd figure in only a few minutes there would have been maybe... One? So yeah, if I hadn't been a few shades of red before, I'm sure that changed very quickly. At least two of them were guys, who had these... IRRITATING congratulatory grins aimed at me. The other four were a pack of teen girls who seemed to be fighting back giggle fits at the sight of me.
But Linda, Linda was the worst. She couldn't say anything, not at the risk of losing her job. But you didn't need all the sensory abilities of a changeling to read the smug grin she was fighting not to show. She said she'd 'keep people out' of the changing room. She never anything about garnering a little amusement at my expense.
I did what I did best to avoid conversation at that point. I crossed my arms, put on the best poker face I could muster, and glared back at the changing room door.
And I waited.
'Christy' emerged a few minutes later, dressed in her new clothes, her own smug grin plastered on her face.
“Satisfactory.” It was the only thing she said as she made her way over to the motor cart and plopped down in it. Without even the slightest hesitation she began rolling, only just missing the group who'd shared a laugh at my expense.
“Whoa! WHOA!” I began after a moment when it hit me. “Hey! Get back here! I still have to pay for those!”
Before I could give chase, a hand landed on my shoulder.
“Sir,” Linda was still fighting off a laugh. “It's okay, just present the tags and hangars for the items at checkout.”
I blinked.
“Seriously?” I asked.
“Happens all the time,” she smirked, then turned and pushed me slightly. “Now go before she runs someone over.”
My opinion of Linda did a one-eighty once more as I nodded and walked to catch up with 'Christy'. Her new outfit had emboldened her something fierce as I caught up with her a moment later. I wish it had improved her steering skills, but I guess that would have been asking too much.
The cart wasn't fast, but it was fast enough to make me work for it. And while I could have easily caught up to with a short jog, I was already all to conscious of the attention I'd gathered to this point, and didn't want to risk bringing any more to myself.
Luckily, she stopped rather abruptly, head turned sideways down one of the aisles.
I just managed to reach the cart when she suddenly left it, getting a few steps before her abrupt motions caught up with her and she managed to catch herself on a shelf.
“What is this?” she turned, holding up a can of chili.
Chrysalis stifled a laugh by sticking her hoof over her face, eliciting looks from the other present.
“I can't believe I did that,” she muttered
“Did what?” Crystal Clear asked. Gazer shook his head, a smile forming on his face.
“Let me put it this way,” he began. “I mentioned earlier that a supermarket is effectively a huge warehouse. The concept of a regular market or bazaar alone is something changelings in general barely get the concept of. But the scale of a full sized supermarket just can't be expressed in words.”
“Food,” Chrysalis chimed in, her eyes distant. “I didn't recognize it for what it was, not the way the humans were storing it. We'd gone right past it the first time and I had dismissed it as little more than various boxes of trinkets after we'd gone past the unguarded fruit stands in the front. But on the way back towards the front, I'd seen the word 'Wolf', and curiosity did the rest.”
“Chrysalis,” Gazer smirked. “has never seen canned food. Neither have you ponies...”
“That's a can of chili,” I answered her question matter-of-factly.
'Christy' looked down at the can, examining it, then back up at me. Her 'imperial' attitude had vanished, replaced with that enigmatic confusion that kept popping up since we met.
“A can of chili?” she asked. “Do you mean to tell me this is some form chili pepper?”
I laughed. My embarrassment vanished like a puff of smoke for a moment as the absurdity of the statement.
“What's so funny?!” she asked, turning slightly red at my reaction. That only made me laugh a little more.
“It's,” I fought down another round. Her expression having gone nearly to rage. “It's not a chili pepper.”
With a deft motion, I grabbed another off the shelf and turned it to point at the picture.
“This is chili sauce,” I continued with a chuckle. Even more enigmatic than her confusion, was her reaction.
“There is no way this metal band is a sauce.”
Everything funny about what she'd just said died instantly. Like her comment in my truck the day before, like her attitude, something wasn't right here.
“Have you never seen canned food?” I asked, my tone serious.
“What is canned food?” she asked.
I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. 'Christy' continued to stare at me, her gaze demanding answers. The can of chili I was holding slipped from my grasp, and in a moment of realization I was forced to fumble about trying to catch it. Once I'd done so, I turned my own shocked gaze back on her.
“You...” I began. “Don't know?”
Rather than snap at me as she'd done to my questions in the dressing room, 'Christy' inhaled deeply, tilting her head down slightly. As I gazed back, I let my mouth run away with me for a moment.
“What- What rock have you been living under all your life?”
Her gaze only hardened. It was similar to that look from the hospital, the one that killed any and all conversation before it started. An explanation was wanted, and immediately.
“A can...” I held up the chili I'd so carefully avoided dropping. “Is a metal container in which food is stored, sealed, and preserved.”
She broke eye-contact for a split second to glance down at her own can of chili.
“A properly sealed can will keep just about any form of food fresh and safe to eat for years,” I continued. “Decades in some cases. Perhaps even centuries in others...”
“Wait...” Nora interrupted suddenly. “WHAT?!”
Everyone turned their eyes to the administrator.
“Canned food is one of the greatest inventions of the industrial revolution,” Gazer commented quietly. “We can store and preserve nearly any form of food we can't consume immediately. So long as the can is never punctured, it'll last almost until you forget you even had it in the first place.”
“But...” Nora was having trouble finding her words. “H-How? Not even the best unicorn mages have ever figured out how make food last longer than a season or two. Not even pickling and freezing!”
“The process-” Fancy Pants spoke up. “-has been explained to me in detail, and it is actually quite simple to replicate. The moment I heard about what this canning process can do, I knew there was no excuse I could think of to delay bringing it to Equestria. By this time next year, I'll be opening a small cannery in Trottingham. Mind you, I'd like to keep this on the down-low for now. I've been buying up stockpiles of the metals required and if anypony realizes it's anything more than one of my whims, the market will strangle me for every bit I possess.”
“I'm still on for wiring,” Gazer asked. “Right?”
“We're looking at six months at this point,” Fancy shrugged. “Provided no further setbacks, we should be ready for you about then.”
The drone nodded with a smirk before Crystal Clear spoke up once more.
“So what about this chili can the queen had?” she asked. “What happened when you explained what it was to her?”
Both Gazer and Chrysalis burst out laughing at the same time, causing the younger unicorn to stare quietly, mouthing a silent 'what' at their antics.
“Okay... Okay...” the drone signaled with a hoof to get Chrysalis to quiet down after a moment. “This one you'll definitely like. You know Chrysalis wasn't exactly up to speed on a human body just yet...”
“This thing is food?” Christy asked in shock.
“Filled with food,” I shrugged. “But, yeah. You didn't know that?”
My guest just stared at the can for several more seconds before her gaze slowly dragged away from it. I wasn't quite sure at first why she seemed so in awe, but after a moment I realized she was looking at the rest of the canned food aisle.
“It's armored food,” she said in quiet awe. “Walls upon walls...”
In retrospect, the logistics behind a supermarket might be a little intimidating to most ponies. The aisle we were standing in could feed an entire town - hold that thought Ms. Stonewall - because that's the point behind a supermarket.
“I wouldn't call it exactly 'armored',” I found some humor at the term and laughed a little. “But I guess that is kind of what it is.”
And then 'Christy' did something totally unexpected. One second she was gazing in wonder at her newfound discovery of the canned food aisle, the next, I was staring dumbstruck as she nearly broke her teeth on it.
“AWOO!” she gasped in pain, dropping the can that was all but unscathed, save for some tears on the label. It landed with a solid 'thwop' on her foot, causing her to bumble about in further pain before he inherent clumsy nature caught up and brought her down. A customer nearby wince in sympathy at the sight, but otherwise did nothing.
“Are you okay?!” I reacted to her getting hurt more than I did to having watched her try to bite into the canned good.
“Ih-hht!” was the garbled response I got back. “Wha-ih-tho-hrd?!”
“Why'd you bite it?” I asked, not understanding anything she'd said.
“Ih-hgu!”
“What?”
There was a pause while she worked her mouth before she angrily spat.
“I'm hungry!”
“And you bit into the can?” I asked incredulously. “What do you think you are, a vampire?”
“You bit into metal?” Crystal clear asked.
Chrysalis stuck her nose up slightly and 'humphed'.
“As queen, my jaws and fangs are comparable to those of a griffon. In the past, I was very much able to puncture through metal armor.”
“But you were a human,” Crystal replied through half-lidded eyes.
“Humans have fangs too,” Chrysalis rebuked.
“Canines,” Gazer interjected. “Small ones...”
“They're still fangs!” the queen snapped. “It's not my fault I didn't know they were worthless!”
“They're not worthless,” the drone replied with a roll of his eyes. “They just weren't built to bite through steel.”
The larger changeling gave Gazer a confused look.
“I thought you said it was... ah-lu-mih-num?”
“Depends on the manufacturer, and that time I was referring to a soda can,” the drone shrugged. “Anyway-”
“What's a vampire?” she asked. I opened my mouth to ask her what rock she'd been under if she didn't even know that, but ended up snapping it shut. I could feel a migraine coming on and I was already tired of the store from what had happened at the dressing room.
“Never mind...” I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Forget the cans, let's get your stuff and get out of here. We'll grab lunch on the way home.”
'Christy' pouted slightly at not getting an answer, but it was quickly erased by a more pleased grin at the prospect of lunch. With a quick hand from me, she was on her feet and we made our way to checkout.
And by made our way, I mean she once again took the cart, earning us at least a few death-glares for the trouble. Once we got to checkout, she stopped to stare intently at the cashiers working, twitching slightly at every beep as she tried to find the source.
“These are more smart machines,” she began. “Aren't they?”
I nodded, earning a calm nod from her in return. She watched with rapt fascination as I handed over the hangars and tags for the clothing she was wearing, explaining the circumstances involved. The cashier seemed slightly apprehensive about it, but didn't do anything to make the situation more awkward for either of us, even as 'Christy' leaned over to try and see why the tags kept getting swept across the same spot over and over.
I had to yank her back when she did.
“You never told me what that was about,” Chrysalis frowned at the smaller changeling. Gazer frowned before replying.
“Because it was a laser,” he stated. “Remember what I said about lasers?”
“Oh!” the queen's ears perked up. “The little lights that can burn one's eyes!”
“Lasers?” Nora spoke up curiously. “I've heard of those from Celestia's School... Why were they in this, market?”
“Bar code scanners,” Gazer replied curtly.
“What's a bar code scanner?” Crystal Clear chimed in this time.
“Ugh!” the drone let his head drop. Several seconds of silence ensued before Crystal spoke up.
“It's... Just a question,” she stated quietly. Gazer looked up after a moment, shaking his head.
“I know,” he sighed. “I know... It's just, ugh... I'm trying to tell a story and explain a century's worth of technology to you at the same time. And we're only touching the tip of the iceberg here.”
There was a slight cough from Fancy pants as he brought attention to himself.
“Yes,” the elder stallion commented. “Having seen the documentation Toby has drawn up for some of the 'simple' equipment he's needed. I can vouch for just how complicated some of the technology he's been discussing is. Keep in mind, that I have no better an idea of what exactly he's discussing than you do. But I can say that there's a LOT of things he may speak about that will only lead to more questions. So do try to keep any questions about technology to a minimum.”
Fancy waited for a second to get nods from the group before Gazer spoke up again.
“Don't be afraid to ask a little bit though,” he began. “I can at least give you some idea of what's going on, but if you pry to much I may just end up giving you an education if you let me.”
“Education?” Lady Stonewall chuckled. “To what level?”
“Masters,” the drone chuckled, causing those present, but not in the know, to gasp. “Electronics and Mechanical Engineering.”
“Wow,” Crystal Clear blinked in awe. “That makes you REALLY smart.”
In response, Gazer shrugged.
“It has its advantages,” he frowned. “But believe me, it can be annoying at times.”
“In what way?” Nora asked. The drone turned a disbelieving look on the administrator.
“You're a politician,” he stated plainly. “How many times do you deal with ponies that have no idea how to run city services trying to tell you what to do?”
Nora opened her mouth, then shut it.
“Take that up to eleven,” the changeling sighed. “I've lost track of the number of times I've had to tell someone 'that doesn't work how you think it does' when someone wants to make something that just flat out doesn't work.”
“Guilty,” Chrysalis spoke up with a surprisingly neutral tone. Then she turned her head with a tired smile.
“Do you need a break?” she asked.
“I suppose this is a good stopping point for me,” Gazer replied. “Your turn?”
“We were done shopping and you were about to take me to lunch, right?” she asked.
“Yeah...” he nodded. “You remember where, right?”
“Yes,” Chrysalis nodded with a little bit of enthusiasm before her eyes narrowed mischievously.
“Let me tell you about the king of burgers...”