Dear Princess Celestia,
I’m sorry this isn’t one of my usual friendship letters. I’m not writing to you because of something that happened in Ponyville. I’m writing to you about something that happened in me. Something… not right. I apologize for any errors or scratched out parts. It’s late, and I didn’t want to wake Spike for something as frivolous as this.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning.
I suppose it started with Nightmare Moon. I don't mean to insult Princess Luna in any way, but she seemed so frail after the elements changed her. I have now seen her in all her fury and power, and she was a force to be reckoned with - don't get me wrong, she still is! But... seeing her as I did, after the battle with her most powerful form, broken and sobbing? I didn't want to believe that we had caused that, me and my friends. My first act of harmony was to make an Alicorn cry. How is that… well, how is that considered good? How could you have banished her in the first place?
But, at the time, I passed it off. After all, we had just saved Equestria. And, from that all, I began to learn about the wonders of friendship. Friendship, that amazing thing that can help you through any situation. Friendship, that magical solution to any problem. It seemed like there was nothing that could ever split us apart.
But there was, of course. I didn’t realize it, but there were so many things, so very many things, that set us apart from each other. From who got a ticket to even who was more cultured than somepony else. Rainbow is far too brash for Rarity; Fluttershy so calm compared to Pinkie Pie. It seems like all of us are so… different. And then, Discord came and pushed all those strange disharmonies together. He pitted us against each other as easily as I teleport.
It shouldn’t have been that easy. But it was. He managed to get under all of our skins and reveal our secrets the opposite of our true selves. After we went back to normal, we turned him into stone. We were praised as saviors once more, and I beamed outwardly. Yet, inwardly, I had my fair share of doubts. How were we so easily vanquished? How did it come to be that I, one of the highest ranking students of your teachings, failed to recognize the answer to his riddle sooner? Was friendship making me soft? Was my friendship hurting others?
I threw myself into my studies to forget my questions. I couldn’t help anypony, being so worried. But, somehow, my worry made everything a bit better. In cases like my want it - need it spell, obviously, this wasn’t the case. But, even after I had just told myself not to worry over the small stuff like Spike eating too much ice cream (he learned his mistake well), the wedding rolled around. After just going through a harrowing experience, what with all that time travel nonsense, I managed to fret over Cadance’s… peculiar attitude. Had I not been so worried, I might’ve missed that she was a changeling. I might’ve doomed us all without my anxiety.
And somehow… that knowledge doesn’t make me any happier.
I enjoyed humiliating her. I enjoyed pushing her against that wall and screaming of her evil nature. I needed to scream at someone other than myself. I needed someone to cry other than me. That was... wrong of me.
Life spun us up again. The Crystal Empire returned and… and I failed… I had to make Spike do something for me, everything relied on him. I know you told me it was a good thing to delegate responsibility, but I had been a foal for charging in as I did! Had I analyzed the situation as I should’ve, it would’ve been obvious that the heart would be a trap. Yet I ran in anyways when… when hope filled my heart.
I became an alicorn. That… well, that happened, at least. I became an alicorn, and somehow… nothing changed. I just had wings. I was just… I was just able to fly. That was it. At first, I was afraid; I was petrified I was just… I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to fulfill my duties. What if I failed you all? And then you and Luna disappeared, and the world seemed so… so…
So lonely…
We solved everything. Just like always. Somehow, I couldn’t help but wish that we hadn’t. I know that’s wrong, but I just… I wanted something to go really wrong for once. I wanted… I wanted a real test. Not… not just a temporary solution, not just… not just another happy day between the attacks. Between the war against disharmony. Between my sobbing.
Time and time again, we fought villains. But none so hard, I think, as Tirek. He was… He was incredible. Is it weird to say that? I’ve just never known of anything to actually absorb magic… and… well…
There’s another reason I gave him my magic.
Not… not just to maybe save my friends.
I did it… I might’ve doomed us all by being ridiculously selfish.
There I was, one of the only ponies left in the entire world with magic. My friends were captured. My enemies were still. My family was weak and fearful. And even the Princesses, the mentors I had always practically worshiped had fallen. My entire life had shattered, leaving behind only me and a lot of magic.
Me and him were equally matched - but I fought with anger, not kindness. Prideful, not honest. Alone, unloyal. Pained, without laughter. Greedy of keeping my rock, and not generous enough to care for my friends. I… I had magic.
But at that one point in time, I didn’t have friendship.
And at that one point in time, I was practically invincible.
And… he made that deal. That deal to make that last pillar fall away. That last rock, the only thing I was holding onto, disappear. He would give me my friends, true; but he had just proven that they did nothing more than my magic did. Why would they support me? Like me? Trust me ever again? help me now?
I thought about it all. All the suffering. All the attacks, all the disharmony around me. It was like a black void, and I had been falling for so long. I just never realized it. To my dismay, and to everyone else's, I was done. I was tired… and so I gave up.
I gave him my magic, not in the hopes that he would give me my friends, but in the hopes that as I was the Element of Magic, he would take ALL my power. That he would take my life.
And… we stopped him.
Friendship truly was magic enough to stop him.
And… I hated it.
And still the void sucks me in.
I need your help, Princess. I need advice. I know I shouldn’t feel this way - after all, my friends have given me great joy! I love them… yet I cannot help but deplore them. I want nothing to do with them, yet they are the only ones who have managed to save me from falling altogether…
I’m not sure which I want more now.
I think I should return to bed now, Princess. It will be dawn soon.
I look forward to seeing your sunrise.
Signed
Twilight