On a grassy hill just outside of Ponyville, two vastly contrasting figures climbed upwards in the relative darkness. The smaller of the couple clutched a freshly grown carrot to his chest as he hopped.
“You see Angel, all work and no play makes for a dull pony. And if one harmless little game isn’t enough play to go around, what is?”
Not entirely sure if the twinkle in his companion’s eye was merely a reflection of the night sky or something rather more self-projected, Angel bounded onwards. His one recurring thought was that this trek all the way out here had better be worth it.
Pinkie hummed quietly to herself in blissful ignorance, letting the random sounds of shifting cards wash over herself and the room at large. To a casual observer, it might have first appeared as if the temperature in the local area was rising, as progressively large amounts of sweat decorated the heads of the five other ponies taking part in the innocent looking game. Not to mention the one or two cases of flustered cheeks and the odd quirk of an eyebrow following the third re-read of a card that couldn’t possibly be saying what they thought it said; swiftly displaced by the wide eyes of a realisation that yes, it was saying just that.
Eventually the five cards came in, and Pinkie clutched at them with gusto. Each of her friends gritted their teeth, believing in turn that although their played cards had been pretty bad, surely the others didn’t have worse ones.
“Why am I sticky?” Pinkie repeated, and turned over the first white card. She gasped. “‘Shining Armour!’”
Twilight’s brain had been through many ordeals in its time, but even that vast experience provided no defence as the first bursts of laughter erupted from Rainbow and Applejack. Even Rarity succumbed, wiggling her hooves uncontrollably as delirium took hold. If the ground could have swallowed Twilight up right there and then, she would have been eternally grateful to it.
“Guys! Stop it! It’s not funny! He wouldn’t...c’mon! That’s sick! Please, calm down!” she pleaded, brain trying to purge all impure thoughts.
“Yeah!” Pinkie surprisingly spoke up, to Twilight’s gratitude. “Just because the card that’s so-definitely gonna win was played first doesn’t mean you get to laugh yourselves out before I can read the others!” And the gratitude melted away faster than a snowpony in the desert.
“I..um...don’t actually get it…” Fluttershy strained to make herself heard next to the guffawing Rainbow. “What’s the next one?”
“Why am I sticky…?” Pinkie paused for the few vital moments needed for her three friends to quieten down. “‘A gentle caress of the inner thigh.’”
Dash instantly snickered. “Sounds like he did more than that, am I right!?”
“That’s. Not. Funny!” Twilight wailed.
“Yeah, that’s enough about Shining. Ah’ll admit to thinking the worst there, but don’t go overboard now.” Applejack glanced warning sign eyes over to the pegasus.
“Fine. Fine. I’ll play the card with your brother in next time,” she retaliated, smiling a wicked grin.
Applejack hesitated for a moment. “Yer bluffing.”
“Oh really?”
“Hush hush hush!” Pinkie waved her hooves like a mad-mare. “The round’s not over yet! Card number three for why I’m sticky is...'The sweaty armpit of a minotaur.' Ewww...really?”
No laughter this time; all six ponies blanched slightly at the mental image. Rarity in particular felt the need to reach for a bucket and numerous toiletries. For Fluttershy however, the experience had been all too real, and she quickly drowned the memory of Iron Will’s vice-like grip.
“Why am I sticky?” Pinkie’s pupils visibly dilated upon reading the words of the fourth card. “‘Junk-rubbing Celestia’s favourite cake.’”
Rarity just about managed to stifle another bout of laughter with a well-timed cough. If Pinkie and Rainbow even tried, they failed dramatically - both launched into giggle-fits. Twilight on the other hand, looked as if she had been hoofed in the gut.
“This is not the kind of game I was expecting to play at all. How could anything like this be approved for public use?!”
“Oh come now Twilight,” Rarity replied. “The cards themselves are harmless! We are the ones matching them up and drawing all sorts of...impure parallels. I’m having a wickedly good time so far I must say.”
“I’m serious. You haven’t seen the rest of my cards yet.” Twilight patted her deck angrily. “I can guarantee you Princess Celestia won’t approve of this.”
“Doubt it. Probably too busy eating cake to notice...” Dash whispered to Fluttershy.
“I heard that!” Twilight rounded on Dash. “Just because she volunteered to judge that dessert competition that one time doesn't mean she has an obsession! Her body-mass index is perfectly average!”
“There there.” Pinkie rubbed a comforting hoof on Twilight’s back. “No need to get all shouty-whouty when I haven’t read out your card yet.”
“I know, I know. I’m fine. It’s just…” Twilight slid back in her seat and grabbed her juice, chugging down a large gulp. For good measure she slicked back the few mane strands that had stuck out. “Wait, how do you know the last card is mine-”
“Annnddd finally...why am I sticky!?” Pinkie tipped her seat back, ready to topple forward with a bellowed answer. “‘Tasting the Rainbow!’”
It wasn’t so much the line itself that made Dash recoil in turnabout horror. It was that Pinkie had delivered it while staring right at her. And as if being on the receiving end this time wasn’t bad enough, to have Fluttershy of all ponies break the monumentally awkward two seconds of silence with abrupt wheezes of laughter was the cherry on the damned princess-loving cake.
Twilight sensed the opportunity for revenge. “Doesn’t feel so good now does it? Hehehe.”
“Oh flock off, featherface. That card doesn’t mean anything anyway!” Dash said in defiance, folding her hooves.
“Ah dunno,” Applejack chimed in. “Ah reckon that definitely coulda meant something. "
“We’ll see who’s laughing after the next rou...PINKIE! STOP STARING AT ME!”
“Dawww...but I just got kinda lost in your mane for a minute there.” Fluttershy cracked up again, inducing Dash to bump her head down against the table.
“I’m sorry...but...for some reason...I just found that really funny.” Fluttershy playfully ruffled Dash’s mane.” Good card Twilight. Umm...so who won?”
Pinkie snapped to attention and hurled the five cards upwards. “That was a pretty great round, and I wish they all could win, buuuuttttt...” Only one found itself grabbed in a pink hoof on its way back to the table surface. “I gotta go with the cake one!”
“What!?” “Crud! Who’s was that?” Twilight and Rainbow yelled in unison.
“Umm...mine…”
“Seriously!? You again?” Dash shot daggers at Fluttershy.
“Well everypony knows how much I love cake, Dashie. And it’s Fluttershy’s go next, so somepony else can win this round,” Pinkie said, returning the cards to the back of the box.
“Oh! R-right...let me just…” After a sip of juice - perhaps for dutch courage - Fluttershy reached out a tentative yellow hoof to take the next black card lying in wait, while the others restocked their decks. Then, she drew a deep breath.
“‘When I am Equestria’s newest princess, I will immediately enforce...blank.’”
Eyes immediately snapped downwards; Fluttershy looked up to see her friends buried in concentration. What she couldn’t notice was Twilight’s mind almost crashing again having picked up and reading yet another disturbingly suspect card.
“That’s not a bad question at all,” Rarity pondered out loud. “One does have idle fantasies of what one could do with royal powers for a day.”
“I bet they’re not what I have to do sometimes. Or what these cards are about to suggest,” Twilight deadpanned.
Again, Pinkie was first to decide. Applejack next. Then Rarity. Rainbow seemed momentarily torn between two options before finally making a choice.
“Ugh, these cards are...here...this one. What the hay.” Twilight placed her answer down with the rest.
“Yay. This is quite exciting actually,” Fluttershy cheeped, genuinely enthusiastic.
“Well duh! You’re winning! Not even I could see that coming!” Pinkie said.
“Oooh, I bet not for long. Okay. Here I go.” She ruffled her wings. “When I am Equestria’s newest princess, I will immediately enforce...'licking the Elements of Harmony.'"
“Snk...no chance of that happening now,” Twilight snorted, while Pinkie drooled with wonder imagining what they might actually taste like - a question now doomed to be unanswered for all eternity.
“‘As a Princess, I will immediately enforce...unicorn elitism.’”
Rarity sniggered, triggering a withered look from Applejack.
“Oh, ya think that’s funny do ya? Just remember who grows the food around here and who makes the dresses. Can’t live chowing down on dumb fabrics now can ya?”
“Applejack!” Rarity gasped. “You know I am a fervent supporter of equal rights for all.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Now Twilight on the other hand…”
“Hey!”
Rainbow almost coughed up her just-swallowed drink in a spasm as Fluttershy turned over the next card.
“I might also enforce...umm…” Hesitating, she squinted at the words. “‘Slapping a biscuit out of Scootaloo’s mouth.’ Gee willikers, that’s not-”.
Fluttershy found herself drowned out by heavy wheezing via her pink friend’s bombastic lungs. “Oh my GOSH! Who comes up with this stuff!?”
“That’s mean! And you Twilight...not nice.” Fluttershy said, noticing the latter had planted her entire hoof in her mouth to stop laughing. “I will enforce...’turning up drunk to the school play.’”
For a brief moment, they all looked at each other. Then, for the first time that evening, the six friends bawled with laughter together.
“Heh, could ya picture that?” Applejack finally said, a broad smile plastered to her face. “Cheerilee would ban us from the school for life, ah reckon.”
“I was actually picturing the kids drunk,” Rainbow grinned and cricked a couple of neck bones.
“Okay...okay.” Fluttershy said, rebalancing her seat. “Last one. As the newest Princess, I will immediately en-”
Her mouth stopped as she revealed the fifth card.
“What is it? Is it a good one?” Rarity questioned.
Suddenly Fluttershy's skin turned deathly pale.
“YouknowmaybefourcardsisenoughsinceIkindahaveawinnerinmindalreadysotheresnoneedforthisone-”
“Ah bub bub! That’s my card! I’ll read it if you don’t.” Rainbow said, affronted.
“Eeek! I’ll….I’ll do it…it’s umm...” Fluttershy’s upper body regressed once more beneath the table.
“'Clopping off to a sunset'.”
“Say again?” Twilight asked.
“Clah...clopping off to a sunset…”
Rainbow fell off her chair in absolute hysterics.
“Ah don’t get it. What the hay does that mean? Twili-” Twilight had her head in her hooves. “Anypony?”
“Ahem...well...it’s...uhh…slang for...” Rarity began. “At least, if it’s what I think it means…”
“It doesn’t matter! The school play one wins!” A red sphere of steam and heat currently occupying the position of Fluttershy’s head rose above the table’s edge, and flailing hooves scattered the cards of the round as far away as possible. Pinkie reached out and snatched the black card with glee.
“Woohoo! One awesome point! Go Pinkie...go Pinkie…”
“Damnit!” Rainbow returned to her chair still leaking tears. “Oh wait, it’s my turn. Cool!”
“I can’t believe we’re still playing this.”
“Ah’ll admit Twi, despite the uhh...wrongness, there’s some sorta rightness to this game that ah just can’t fathom.”
“We’re at least letting everypony have a turn, right?” Pinkie asked, clutching her card-turned-point preciously.
“You bet! Definitely not quitting now. I haven’t had this much fun since the Wonderbolt Academy!” Dash pulled out the fourth black card. “Oh no way, check this out! ‘Next in the series from AK Yearling: Daring Do and ba-lank.’”
Twilight looked at the game box closely. “I’m getting a little suspicious about the order these cards are coming in.”
“Who cares? Pick your answer, scrub.”
“B-but, don’t you think it’s more than a little coincidental that our question cards are-”
“Booorrring!”
Twilight sighed through gritted teeth and took another white card. At least she had a couple of decent options for this round, comparatively speaking. Rarity meanwhile got her answer in early and swigged some more juice.
“Is it me or am I getting a vague impression that alcohol should be served during this game?”
“It couldn’t possibly make it any worse.”
“Try an’ see the bright side Twi. We’re all laughing ain’t we?”
“Less talking, more cards!” Dash proclaimed, before receiving Pinkie’s chosen card straight on the muzzle. “Gah!”
“H-here…” Fluttershy said, looking like she had aged ten years. Twilight’s and Applejack’s cards soon followed.
“Awesome!” Rainbow squeed. “And now girls, presenting the latest spectacular book from AK Yearling, ‘Daring Do and...a barnyard full of corpses...?’ Huh...that’s grim.”
“Wait, didja say barnyard?” Applejack asked.
“Yup. It's not your one is it?" Rainbow took Applejack's death glare like a champ. "Anyway, next from AK, ‘Daring Do and...goddamned BATS!’”
“Woah, hey! You just scared Fluttershy!”
“Sorry, sorry.” Rainbow noogied Fluttershy’s shoulder. “Bats is in all capitals though. That means you have to shout it.”
“Huh, so it is,” Rarity said, peering over to look.
“Next up: ‘Daring Do and...the inevitable return of Nightmare Moon.’ Cool, I’d read that!”
Twilight looked unimpressed. “You’d read Daring Do and the...pink...fluffy pony if Yearling wrote it.”
“And I wouldn’t regret a second.”
“There’s no way we’re telling Princess Luna about this either. I’m pretty sure we’d get banished just for playing it.”
“Where’s the funny answers?” complained Pinkie.
“Maybe, this one?” Dash pulled out the next card. “‘Daring Do and...Cyber-Ponies.’”
“Psy-bur whut now?” Applejack looked thoroughly confused.
“You don’t know? It’s a reference to another series about a time travelle-”
“If it’s not Daring Do, I’m not interested.” Rainbow silenced Twilight. “You were right Pinkie, none of these have been funny. This one better be good.”
Fluttershy couldn’t bear to watch.
“‘Daring Do and...mmpphh...woah, a sad hoofjob!’”
The timid pegasus could do nothing as Rarity physically left her seat and went to lean against the wall, wildly sniggering. Pinkie’s laughing was actually generating enough force to spin her around in her seat, while Applejack and Twilight both tried to cover their faces with nearby objects; the former’s hat doing a much better job of hiding the blushing than the latter’s glass of juice.
“I don’t understand. It-it’s not on purpose! Nearly all my cards are like that!”
“Yeah, you definitely win that one. Just look what you did to Rarity!” Rainbow said, sliding over the black card to join the growing collection.
“I-I’m okay!” she giggled. I just need to...phew! Need to cool down a bit.” Returning to her seat with a fan, she began to flap it against herself.
“Mah turn then huh?” Applejack reached for the next question as Twilight undertook deep breathing exercises in order to purge her blushes. “Alrighty then. ‘Coming soon to a street near you, blank, the musical! Hm, betcha we’ll get some interesting ones outta that.”
Almost a full minute of card movement and shuffling ensued. Twilight and Rarity both sneaked looks at Fluttershy, silently dreading what further messed up cards she had still to play.
At last - after Rarity took the turn of longest to decide on an answer - Applejack fanned out the received cards and raised a hoof to reveal them.
“First up, coming to a street near you: ‘taunting the elderly’, the musical number.”
Pinkie snorted a fairly quiet chuckle by her standards. “Hmm...we do sing a lot in public places don’t we?”
“Yeah, but not about seniors.” Rainbow said. “I think Applejack’s granny might kill us if we did that.”
“Unless it were a nice song. Granny would be pleased as punch about that. Alright...the next song coming to a street nearby is...ah! Whoever played this gets points for tryin’ ta’ be smart. ‘Cards Against Equiniti’, the musical number!”
Nods and murmurs of agreement spread around the table.
“Quite clever, but I don’t envy anypony who’d attempt singing about this game. Certainly not in front of the foals.” said Rarity.
“They’d learn a bunch more than in school,” Rainbow smirked deviously.
“Ewwww!” grimaced Pinkie.
“Movin’ swiftly on!” Applejack said loudly, having noticed Fluttershy’s expression of pure horror. “Next song for the streets is, ‘a mating display’, the musical number!”
This time the tittering started with Twilight, and the entire table lit up once again. “Didn't you first tell me about those, Dash?” She asked after her breathing pattern returned to normal.
The pegasus baulked. “Hat-tay was a eecrut-say,” she whispered, flushed.
“Ooooh, riddles!?” Pinkie’s eyes sparkled.
“Aha...sorry.” Twilight rubbed the back of her head, trying to ignore Applejack’s quizzical look. “Nevermind. Next one?”
“Oh...kay. Next one is...what the-” Applejack vividly flinched in her chair and pulled back in clear disgust. “‘Lactation’, the musical number...tha’s just wrong on so many levels...seriously Dash?” She looked up to see the pegasus in real trouble of staying balanced on her seat again.
“Bahahahahahaha!”
“You’ve got a sick mind, ya know that?”
“Oh...now you’ve done it. I’m definitely playing your brother’s card next turn.”
“Still don’t believe ya.” Applejack pushed away the ‘lactation’ card with as much reluctance as if it had actually once been covered in bodily fluids. Underneath lay the last card of the round.
“And finally, coming to a street near you...n-na...” Her train of thought didn’t so much stop as leave the tracks altogether and fly away with the intention of never returning. She took a deep breath and tried again, suddenly aware she had forgotten how to control the pitch of her voice.. “‘Natural stallion enhancement’, the musical number.”
There was nowhere to hide as the blushes returned with a vengeance. Applejack couldn't tell if the rising heat was more apparent in her own face or from the ponies around her. Not that Pinkie or Rainbow apparently cared - both were laughing their heads off.
“A proper lady should not find such things amusing,” Rarity said, though the obvious discolouration in her cheeks implied she thought something about it. Twilight and Fluttershy had their heads in their hooves, quite apparently in the same boat.
“I am never singing in public again,” Twilight said.
“Can we get a winner please?” Fluttershy muffled through her limbs.
“Errr…” Applejack realised she had totally forgotten what the previous cards had been; her inner thought process resembled a bowl of mashed potatoes. “Uhh...mating display made us all laugh pretty good right?”
“Come on!” Rainbow yelled in antipathy. “How could you not find that last one funny? Think about it!”
“Ah don’t want to think about it! That is the last thing ah want to be thinkin’ about!”
“Uugghh...fine! Who had mating display?”
Fluttershy’s right hoof very reluctantly rose upwards.
“What!? Three points after four rounds!? Tell me your secret!” Pinkie pleaded. Across the table, Rainbow looked like she was about to burst a blood vessel.
“My my, who could’ve predicted this? That’s an impressive lead.” Rarity said, for some strange reason feeling almost proud of her friend’s achievement.
“But I’m telling you...it’s the cards...oh...gosh…” Fluttershy flailed.
“And now for the turn of the hostess!” Rarity took no hesitation in magically lifting the sixth black card towards herself, reminding everyone to re-stock. As she took her first look however, she chuckled nervously.
“Ah...ahahahahaha...let’s try and not be too silly with this round ladies. I fear we wouldn’t want to inadvertently offend somepony...important…”
“Why? What’s it say?” Twilight asked. “I mean Princess Celestia has already been mentioned, so who else coul-.” Her eyes widened as Rarity turned over the card for all to see.
“Oh.”
“I can’t read upside-down.” Pinkie said, frowning. “You gotta say it.”
Rarity sighed a sigh for the ages.
“‘What helps Princess Luna unwind?’”