//------------------------------// // Chapter 4 // Story: The Mailmare // by theamberfox //------------------------------// The Mailmare By theamberfox Chapter 4 “Your ticket please, miss,” one of the golden armoured guards muttered from beside the entrance. He was perhaps as apathetic as they came, his eyes glazed over, his mouth maintaining an indifferent expression as he leaned casually against the stone archway. He was bored and it was obvious, but I suppose I would have been too if I had to stand outside that magnificent party, collecting tickets while everpony else got to enjoy themselves inside. “But of course!” I replied with a pleasant smile, ignored his lack of interest and presented my ticket to him. As he nodded in confirmation, I noticed a clear bottle filled with a neat amber liquid poking its neck out of a nondescript brown bag at his feet. “Is that what I think it is?” I gestured at the bag. The stallion perked right up and pushed the bag away with a hoof. “What!? Uhh… No! I uhhh… I don’t know what that is! Sompony must have left it behind!” I leaned in towards him and whispered softly into his ear. “It’s okay; you don’t need to hide it from me.” “I don’t?” he asked cautiously. “No.” I shook my head slowly. “I know all about maple syrup addictions. I just recovered from one myself…” He acted like he didn’t even believe me. “Maple syrup?” “Powerful, powerful stuff, it is.” I tried my best to express feelings of absolute sincerity and understanding. “It gets into your head, doesn’t it? It makes you do some pretty wild things, doesn’t it? And before you know it, you’re putting it on everything. Bread, pasta, salads… everything gets covered in that sweet, sweet garnish, not just pancakes or waffles. “But don’t worry. You’ll get over it… You just need some help from a friend like me.” “What?” He still didn’t seem to want to admit his dependence on the delicious, sweet sap. “Yep, I’ll rid you of your addiction; don’t worry! I’ll take this nasty thing away and you’ll forget all about it.” “No no, that’s alright.” The stallion shook his head in desperation. “You don’t have to do that. It’s not even maple syrup.” He really needed help. That sugary delicacy had warped his sense of reality. “Shhh shhh shh!” I reassured him with a hoof on his shoulder. “It’s okay. We’ll beat this together. And no one else ever has to know about it.” I reached down, picked up the bottle and stuffed it in my jacket pocket. CRUNCH! It was at that point that I realized I had put my contact lenses in that very same pocket. “AAHHH!” I cringed and shoved my hoof into my pocket. “My contacts!” Something sharp poked the end of my hoof and I yanked it back out, only to realize it was now littered with shards of broken glass. “It’s in my hoof! IT’S IN MY HOOF!!” I screamed and flailed my foreleg around like an idiot. The guard was equally as horrified. “What the buck is going on?” I soon realized that my actions, while moderately jarring to a normal pony, were probably a thousand times more horrifying to this tripped out, maple syrup junkie, so I stopped flailing around at once. And since the shrapnel seemed to be gone and it didn’t look like I was actually injured, I planted my hoof carefully back on the ground and regained my perfect composure. “Sir, you need to calm down.” I said firmly, looking the guard directly in the eyes. “Deep breaths. Deep breaths…Woosa! Woosa!” The guard was still very distressed. “Why are you telling me to calm down!?” My efforts were proving futile, so I did what anypony would do in that situation. I grasped him firmly on the shoulders and screamed at the top of my lungs, “CALM DOWN! YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!” The soldier’s expression was now simply one of shocked confusion, like he wasn’t even a part of this world anymore. But at least he was calm. “You sir, have a nice evening.” I smiled, lowered my hooves back to the ground and ushered myself into the palace. I pitied him, that strange maple syrup junkie, I really did. But I couldn’t help him. My mission was too important and I had to go on. Just through the doors, Trixie, my faithful companion, was waiting in the foyer with a somewhat impatient look on her face. She had, you see, casually gone ahead of me when we had reached the entrance, obviously not expecting to have to wait as long as she did. “What was that all about?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, one of those guards back there was an addict.” I said plainly. “I was just doing my part to keep the streets clean.” Trixie nodded slowly. “Word...” I ignored her inane ramblings and continued on into the main hall with Trixie following closely along beside me. “So what exactly is your plan?” Trixie asked almost enthusiastically. “Trixie would really like to know how you are going to step all over Twilight’s reputation.” “Well, first things first, my dear.” I replied, working to preserve my strong accent over the ambient noise of the building. “We need to gain acceptance from this populace and make them believe I am truly, the one and only-” “Twilight Sparkle!” A voice cried out from behind a seemingly impenetrable wall of ponies ahead of us. And not a moment later, a magnificent white princess appeared out of the dense crowd ahead and came strolling toward us in an exceptionally elegant fashion. In addition to her standard attire, the golden shoes, crown and torc that usually adorned her flawless image, Princess Celestia wore an extravagant and utterly breathtaking ball gown. The chest was made of a soft cream-coloured satin, the material clinging against her tightly, while the length of the dress, beginning at her midsection and made of several layers of lighter, transparent yellow fabric, was almost the complete opposite in appearance. Covering her hind legs and most of her multicolored tail, it was long and flowing, washing down around her like a gentle breeze. Complementing her splendour, her mane was smooth and unusually tidy, rolling down around the back of her neck and falling just over her shoulders, the colours continually moving and changing around her as she walked. She was exactly how I imagined her, the picture of elegance, royalty, and leadership. But I must admit that I was absolutely terrified of her. I was afraid that she might see past my clever disguise and my plan to save the world would crumble under her careful vigilance. But it wouldn’t end there, would it? She would see me as a traitor, a conspirator, a blemish on this great country, and lock me up for trying to impersonate her student. I would spend the rest of my days in a cold, damp cell with only a lumpy mattress to sleep on and nothing to eat but bagels… endless walls of bagels in every hideous variety. Of course, I would refuse to eat these monstrosities, preferring death over stale baked rings, but they would never take no for an answer! They would force-feed them to me, one by one, shoving them down my throat! And that very same night, as my insides revolted from being filled to the brim with hundreds upon hundreds of those disgusting rings of dough, I would lie down on that lumpy mattress, thinking that the worst was all over, only to realize that the mattress itself… was made of bagels! Oh, the HORROR! My muscles seized up and I braced myself for the worst. And then, I felt the strangest feeling inside of me… not entirely a foreign feeling, but certainly a feeling that had long since abandoned my life. I felt myself being drawn to my pocket. But not just my pocket, I felt my hoof move to my side and rest itself over the bottle there. It was the maple syrup. I wanted the maple syrup. I needed the maple syrup. “I’m so glad you could make it.” Celestia smiled pleasantly as she stopped directly in front of me. Her words were like an arrow, piercing my soul, and I felt my hoof move away from my pocket and fall back on the floor. And then, just like that, it was as if it never even happened and I forgot all about the bottle in my pocket… I think she bought it! All my worrying was for nothing and I felt a sigh of relief rush out of my lungs. She really thinks I’m Twilight Sparkle! I glanced to Trixie at my side and flashed her a quick smile, intent on sharing my joy. My companion however, wasn’t paying attention at all. She was quiet, focused on the princess and the glass of dark red liquid that was levitating in the air beside her. “And I’m so glad you remembered to wear clothes.” Celestia added softly, leaning in towards me. “I know it’s been hard living with all those nudists for as long as you have.” Oh yes, the nudists. They were certainly a peculiar sort, the residents of Ponyville. I can recall one particular morning when an individual came into town fully-clothed. She was wearing only a brown cloak, of course, but the residents were absolutely horrified! They hid in their houses, sealed their shutters and locked their doors, afraid to even look at the individual. But she was a foreigner and didn’t seem to know our customs very well. Now this individual has learned, of course. She visits our town, without her cloak, almost every single week and there is no reaction from the Ponyville ponies whatsoever. I must admit though, why in Equestria would she ever want to hide those fascinating black and white stripes? I responded with a cheerful laugh. “Oh, absolutely your highness! I must have at least a dozen pressed suits in my closet that haven’t seen the light of day in years.” She laughed back. “How does that friend of yours, Rarity, even make a living? I mean, she sells dresses to a nudist colony? Do the townsfolk use them as cleaning rags or do they just like having a full closet in case they have some kind of revelation one day and decide, ‘Oh Wow! Maybe I should just put on some clothes and act like a normal pony for once!’” We both laughed a little louder. Trixie, however, remained transfixed on something else. But all that aside, I couldn’t help but notice that there was something odd about the princess. She was gently swaying from side to side and she had this strange fragrance wafting all around her. It definitely wasn’t something I would call a ‘pleasant’ aroma. Indeed, she smelled like she had eaten a couple dozen pickled eggs for breakfast. Nevertheless, I was much more comfortable with Celestia now. She had appeared every bit as elegant and royal as I had imagined, but she was so much more relaxed than the stone-faced aristocrat I originally believed her to be. I was really enjoying her company. “And who’s your friend?” Celestia asked, smiling and gesturing at Trixie with her hoof. My companion, however, was still staring awkwardly at the princess and the glass floating in the air beside her. But when she finally noticed the hoof pointing gingerly in her direction, she snapped herself back to attention. “Uhh- The Great and Powerful Trixie, at your service.” she declared, lifting off her hat, nodding kindly at the alicorn, and then replacing her hat back on her head. “I see.” Celestia replied. “Well Trixie, that is certainly a ‘great and powerful’ looking hat you have there. You’ll have to tell me where you got it some time.” “Why, thank-” “Sister!” another voice called out, interrupting our pleasant conversation. In quite nearly the same fashion as her sibling, another princess soon came barrelling out of the crowd towards us. She was wearing a dress not entirely unlike the one Celestia had on. The most obvious difference was that this dress was made of a much darker fabric, a deep violet with an obsidian trim around its slightly frillier edges. Similarly, she also wore a crown and torc, both a perfect black against her midnight blue coat of fur, and a set of four shining silver shoes. And finally, her mane, filled with what seemed to be tiny, flickering stars, gently caressed her picture. Just like the sun princess beside me, she was quite the sight to behold… or at least she certainly would have been if her foul mood hadn’t soured her appearance as quickly as it did. “Sister!” She scowled at Celestia, her voice loud and her eyes filled with contempt. “We can scarcely fathom thy crude behaviour! What is wrong with thee!?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Luna,” Celestia responded, taking a sip out of the glass of crimson liquid that had been floating in the air beside her all this time. “THAT! That drink is what we’re speaking of!” “This?” Celestia looked momentarily at the glass and then back at her sister. “PRECISELY! Thou art DRUNK!” Luna accused. “The festivities have yet to even fully begin and yet thou are almost completely inebriated. And thy breath reeks of a potent and fetid odour! It is really just horrid, Celestia. Even here, from this lengthy distance, our nose is filled with its powerful stink.” It was strange to see Luna so angry with her sister. After all, hydration is an important part of life. Did our ancestors, the great pioneers and explorers of the time, not strive to keep a waterskin always at their side when they explored the unkempt wilderness of the forests and mountains? And even the very wilderness itself, did it not need water to survive? So why was Celestia, in all her grace, being criticized for merely keeping true to the world we all live in? Celestia just batted the air with a hoof. “Oh Luna, you just don’t understand. I’m actually performing a very important experiment.” “Really? And what might that be?” “Well…” Celestia grinned. “I’m testing to see how many bottles of wine it takes before I start speaking incoherently to my subjects.” Celestia smiled hopefully, but her sister’s jaw just fell open. “What purpose could that possibly serve!?” Luna fumed. “Science doesn’t need a purpose, Luna. Science needs results.” Celestia pointed her hoof at her sister reassuringly. “And you can rest assured good sister, I have results. After two whole bottles of wine, not even my own student has seemed to notice anything strange.” Celestia then pointed over to me. Luna followed the end of her hoof until it finally directed her gaze at my innocent expression. But even after Celestia’s hoof had been lowered back to the ground, Luna said nothing. Trixie and I smiled stupidly back at her while Celestia took another sip from her wine and quickly pointed again. All the while, Luna just continued to stare. “Celestia, that is not Twilight Sparkle.” Luna said monotonously, shaking her head and pointing at me. “She doesn’t resemble her in the slightest! Her eyes are a completely different colour, her coat’s all blotchy and it’s exceedingly obvious that this mare is hiding feathery appendages beneath that costume of hers. We wager she doesn’t even possess a horn on her head!” “Oh don’t be ridiculous, Luna. That is definitely Twilight Sparkle.” Celestia replied, rolling her eyes. “Indeed, I am most definitely Twilight Sparkle,” said I, seeing an opportunity to strengthen my identity. Trixie was quick to follow. “Oh yes, she is definitely Twilight Sparkle.” “I think this wine is getting to your head, little lady.” Celestia whispered to Luna in a condescending fashion. “Perhaps you need to go lie down.” “WE HAVEN’T EVEN HAD ANY WINE!!” Luna screamed back. “Well maybe that’s exactly what you need.” Celestia said, moving the glass of red liquid close to her sister’s mouth. “No! Celestia, we don’t want any wine.” Luna shoved the wine away, knocking it out of the air and onto the floor, its fragile glass container shattering and the red liquid quickly spreading across the surface below. Celestia was instantly horrified by the loss of her beverage, staring at the glass on the ground like it was her dead father. “Oh Luna… What have you done?” Celestia moaned quietly. “YOU!” The moon princess spoke quickly and pointed at me accusingly. “Thou need to cease falsifying thy sister’s pupil and depart this place before thou art thrown out!” “Luna...” Celestia whined. “My wine is all over the floor.” For a brief moment, I was awestruck… appalled… aghast. I couldn’t leave! Not now! That would be just like admitting that I was a fake and a failure. Everything I worked so hard for, dyeing my coat, breaking into Twilight’s house, vanquishing her dragon slave back to the lavatories, reading that incredibly dull book about philosophers, even smashing my contacts… it would all just go to waste! “It was like a brother to me, Luna… but now… now my wine is dead! It’s dead!” Celestia lamented, tears beginning to form in her eyes. But then something miraculous and wonderful happened. My faithful companion came to the rescue! “The Great and Powerful Trixie has heard just about enough of your accusations, Princess Luna.” Trixie waved her hoof threateningly. “If you are so sure that this is not Twilight Sparkle, when both Princess Celestia and Trixie are sure it is, then why don’t you prove it?” Luna stood in shock. Trixie, on the other hoof, had a look of triumph on her face. “Thou can’t truly be serious?” the moon princess asked. “Trixie is always serious.” My companion glared back, a twinkle in her eye. “We used to play tennis together, my wine and I…” Celestia bit her lip, tears streaming down her face. “And eat brunch on Sundays…” “No, what we mean to say is, that’s not even hard to do.” Luna smiled incredulously. She was practically pointing and laughing at us both. “Thou might as well be asking us to blink.” Trixie’s complacent expression disappeared and she decided it best to avoid full eye-contact with the alicorn. Celestia finally looked up from the mess on the ground and at her sister, “But Luna, you killed my wine!” “Sister, we will get you more wine in a minute if we must, but right now we intend on proving that this Twilight Sparkle is an imposter so we can remove her from the building. One thing at a time!” Still saddened by her loss, but slightly less so than before, Celestia stopped her whining. “Well, why don’t you ask her a question that only we would know the answer to?” Celestia meekly suggested with a frown on her face. “That seems terribly cliché,” Luna admitted, “but alright…” Uh oh… I wasn’t really sure I could answer a question like that. I didn’t know very much about Twilight at all, only that she was evil and had some kind of fervent hatred for asparagus. “Whoops…” Trixie whispered in my ear. Luna took only a brief moment before continuing, stroking her chin gently as she tried to think of an appropriate question to ask. “What does Twilight Sparkle fear more than anything else?” Luna asked smugly. I stared blankly off into the distance. At first, my mind jumped to the one thing that I feared the most, door-to-door salesponies. But then I realized, I know this. I know what Twilight Sparkle fears above all else. “I, the one and only Twilight Sparkle, fear that somepony will find out I’m actually a natural blonde.” I replied confidently. Luna just laughed. “That is just the most ridiculous-” “That’s correct.” Celestia nodded. “WHAT!?” Luna cried out in disbelief. “Yeah, she’s totally blonde. This one time, I walked in on her when she was dyeing her mane…” Celestia chuckled to herself. “You really should have seen it, Luna. She was so upset about it she actually threw up. Can you believe it? She was so paranoid about other ponies finding out she was a natural blonde that she just threw up! Right there in front of me!” Celestia laughed a little harder. “At first, I was just shocked. But after she made me promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone I went back to my room and just died laughing! That pony takes herself waaaaaaay too seriously.” “Nice one.” Trixie winked, extending her hoof out towards me. I could hardly believe it… It seemed like something a pony only ever heard about in legends, but it was really happening right in front of me. This was one of the most notable events in the history of my entire life. This was the day I got to celebrate the all-important hoof slap. I had practiced the movements countless times before, but this was the first real, genuine hoof slap I was ever confronted with. I lifted my hoof into the air and prepared for contact. I could feel the very world freeze around me. Only my hoof seemed to move, tremble in the air as it neared closer. It was indescribably beautiful. And then… I missed completely. All of my practice and hard work went straight down the drain! I failed catastrophically! My hoof missed the point of contact and I could only watch as it sailed straight towards Trixie’s face. And in the same slow sequence, I watched helplessly as Trixie’s expression contorted into one of shock and distress as my hoof collided into her eye. “You idiot!” she yelled, rubbing a hoof over her injured eye. “That’s the last time I hoof slap you!” “No! Give me another chance!” I begged, falling to my knees. “LET ME REDEEM MYSELF!!!” “Cease thy incessant flapping jaw at once!” Luna interrupted. I slowly got back up, trying my best not to look stupid. “Listen well, we don’t care about hoof slaps, nor do we care if thou answered the question we asked correctly or not, we’re still going to prove thou art no Twilight Sparkle. Now, remove thy garments.” “Woah there, Luna!” Celestia intervened. “We can’t just go around ordering ponies to take off there clothes. This isn’t some kind of nudist colony!” Celestia grinned, pointing at me with a hoof and winking. I mirrored her expression and pointed back at her. I have no idea what she’s talking about… Luna looked at her sister with disgust. “But-” “No buts Luna. If you’re really so determined to convince me that this isn’t Twilight Sparkle, you’re going to have- Oh!” Celestia’s gaze fixed on a unicorn standing across the room. “Hey! Hey Thunderhorn! Hey! Thunderhorn!” And like a foal discovering a new toy, she just turned and ran off. “Wait, sister! Where art thou going!?” Luna cried out in dismay. But her older sister just ignored her. “Hey Thunderhorn! Hey, do you like mmm-bananas?” Luna turned back to me, furrowing her brow in anger. “Stay thy tongue, thou scheming pretender! We know thou art up to no good and we’re not going to stand idly by and let thou crash these festivities, pretending to be thy sister’s apprentice. We shall cease thy debauchery before long!” And with that, she was gone too, chasing after her older sibling in a hopeless attempt to scuttle her fun. “I think that went well.” I proclaimed. “Did you notice how stupid Princess Luna sounded?” Trixie scoffed. “The Great and Powerful Trixie thought she sounded like a complete idiot!” “Indeed!” I chuckled. “Absolute rubbish, it was! I mean, how difficult is it to talk like a normal pony?” We both just laughed. Princess Luna is such a socially awkward pony… We spent the next little while mingling with the crowd, exploring the area and generally trying to get a better grasp of what we were dealing with. Upon doing so, it became immediately obvious to me that this convention was far more crowded than I had originally anticipated. The massive room was packed with hundreds of ponies, mostly unicorns, bustling around what looked to be embellished market stalls. Each stall had a large, colourful sign hanging above a long table that was filled with all sorts of wondrous items. And behind these tables, ponies yelled and screamed at the top their lungs, vying for the attention of the massive congregation all around them. It was a place a pony, such as myself, could only ever dream of. The things I saw and heard, even smelt… they were in every way incredible and amazing, unbelievable even… It was… truly magical. “I’m going to tell you about the miracle of PoniClean!” one stallion with a jet-black mane and scruffy beard had yelled out. And he did show us a miracle, for his magic potion had cleared that spot on his rug in practically no time at all, twice as fast as the competing stain remover! And underneath a stall brightly labelled ‘The Clop Chop’, a younger looking pony with a short, curly blonde mane and a blue apron had showed us another marvel. For when his device cut those terrible onions, not a soul in the room did weep. Not only that, but he didn’t even have to remove the skin! It was truly an awe-inspiring event. But while these ponies captured my attention, and my heart, they could not sway my companion. Trixie even refused to allow me to buy any of these wonderful things, trying to convince me that they were all just ‘junk’. “The Clop Chop!? Junk!?” I had said with astonishment. “Why, the very notion is absurd!” But she had persisted and soon enough, a booming voice resonated across the room and I forgot all about PoniClean and the Clop Chop. “Testing! Testing! One! Two!” It seemed that Celestia, levitating another glass of wine beside her, had somehow found her way onto the stage at the end of the room and was preparing to properly address the attendees of the Annual Magic Users Convention, who, upon hearing her voice, quieted down considerably and focused their attention on the stage. The princess certainly is drinking a lot of that bizarre, rotten liquid. I thought, staring at the white alicorn as she wobbled around on stage. Perhaps she just doesn’t want to be wasteful… Admittedly, I did the same every so often, drinking foul milk or eating spotted bread, even when I knew the consequences would be dire. But it wasn’t that I was cheap, but rather because I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment I felt when I finished something. Whether it was a magnificent painting or simply a loaf of bread, the feeling was always the same. So like a vicious dictator of food, I conquered muffin after muffin, bread roll after bread roll, and no amount of mould, spot of green, or terrible, rancid smell would ever stop me! HAHAHAHA! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE WRATH OF DERPY HOOVES YOU INSIGNIFICANT PEON! “Three! Four! Five!” “Sister…” A quieter voice intervened. “Six! Seven! Eight!” The princess rambled on. “Sister, stop it.” “Nine! Ten! What’s that Luna!?” “Thou have no need to test it any longer, it works.” “Luna, I can’t hear you! I’m testing the microphone!” “We know thou art-” “Look Luna, I don’t have time for this. I need to start my speech now!” Celestia looked out over the crowd. And then, in one quick motion, she downed an entire glass of wine. “Does this microphone make me look fat!?” Trixie made no hesitation in yelling back. “Yes!” Some of the ponies around us looked at her with offended expressions, but she just smiled back at them. Celestia began to fiddle with some knobs on the microphone stand in front of her. There was a horrible piercing, screeching noise and the crowd cringed as if thousands of angry hornets had just flown in through the windows and were now buzzing violently around the ceiling. “How about now?” the princess asked in a much lower volume, ignoring the crowd’s distress. This time, there was no answer. “Okay!” Celestia announced. “Let’s begin with a brief outline of this thingy we’re all at. What’s it called now? The Anal Magic Convention? Good heavens! You ponies sure have some weird interests.” The crowd looked around at each other with disturbed expressions and made muffled comments. Celestia ignored them again as she pulled a collection of papers from out under her dress and began to shuffle them madly in the air. However, she only seemed to be making the papers more disorganized. “Yeah! Okay! Whatever!” Celestia barked, glancing down at her notes once before fixing her gaze back over the crowd. “Most likely, you spent the first bit of the evening wasting your money on the crap these ponies are trying to pass off as magical devices or potions or whatever. Yeah, don’t believe any of that garbage. They pay us a royalty to say that. It’s all mostly just junk. Believe me, I tried PoniClean… It turned my carpet white! “Now either I’ve spent the last century believing my carpet was actually supposed to be pink, or that stuff’s really just bleach. Now don’t get me wrong, maybe my carpet actually is white. But let me ask you this? What the hell happened to my carpet to make it turn pink?” Celestia looked over the crowd and raised her hoof questioningly. Nopony seemed to know how to respond to that. “Yeah, I don’t know either.” She shrugged. “I blame the teenagers. You know the ones that hang out by the convenience stores? I tell you, it’s always those rotten teenagers… They’re always running around, buying candy and acting all nice and polite to you, but they’ve always got something hidden up their sleeve.” Celestia wagged her hoof out over the crowd, who all still had the same clueless expressions on their faces. “Believe me, I know!” She looked back down at the paper floating in front of her. She shifted them all slightly, pulled one of the sheets out, crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it loosely behind her. “Okay! So the first thing we’re going to do is move into the dining hall to get some grub and some more wine! You can never have enough wine. And just in case you haven’t already had some wine, have some wine now before you regret not having any wine in the first place. “Now about the food, I’ve been told that after what happened last year, we’re having a set menu this time with a choice between about half a dozen different items or something like that. And no going and substituting anything or I’ll personally take a dump on your plate and call it the daily special!” Celestia looked out over the crowed inquisitively, as if to reinforce her point even more. “I’m not kidding, I’ll actually do that!” “Hahaha, thou are very truly funny, sister. Hahaha…” Luna had a kind of desperate frustration clinging to her tone of voice as she leapt into view and started pushing her sister off-stage. “We’ll take over from here. Hahaha… Off thou go…” “Oh no no no no... I can do this, Luna. You just sit your-” “Celestia!” Luna glared at her sister. “Woah! Okay! Calm down little Luna! I’ll let you do the speech if you really want to, you adorable little filly you.” Celestia ruffled up her sister’s mane (as much as one can ruffle up an ethereal mane anyhow) and, consequently, knocked her obsidian tiara onto the ground. “Sister!” “Hahaha! Okay, you can go right ahead now, Luna. I won’t interrupt you. Do your thing. Stun the crowd with your amazing linguistic feats. I’ll just be over here getting another glass of wine.” Celestia just tossed all of her papers into the air behind her and stumbled off the stage, nearly tripping on the way down the stairs. Luna quickly used her magic to gather up the papers and form them into a neat pile in front of her before yelling back at her sister, “Celestia! No! No more wine!” Since Celestia seemed perfectly ignorant of her orders, the moon princess placed her tiara back on her head and then signalled to a pair of guards standing to one side of the stage. The two soldiers, taking the hint, immediately took off after Celestia. “Hooves.” Trixie looked at me. “We need to stop those guards.” “Smashing idea, my faithful companion!” I responded boldly. “We can’t let them assassinate the princess!” “Wait, what!?” Trixie had a very bizarre expression on her face. “No, we have to stop them from stopping Celestia from getting a drink! If Celestia’s drunk, we’ll have a much better chance of convincing her that you’re actually Twilight. If she sobers up, she may not believe you anymore!” “Right! We can’t let them assassinate the princess’ hydration!” I pounded my hoof into the air courageously. “Tally-ho!” Trixie’s muddled expression didn’t change in the slightest, but we both started pushing our way through the crowd anyway, trying to make a path to Celestia and the two guards. “Our apologies, loyal subjects.” Luna smiled at the confused crowd. “We didn’t know that our dear Princess Celestia fancied wine as much as she does. Do not fret though, she will be back to her normal self before the evening’s up.” I pushed my way past a pale green stallion and a dark blue mare with a messy mane and tail. Both ponies gave me dirty looks as I went by. The guards were walking slowly, but they were still gaining ground faster than we were. I pushed harder. “Ahem!” Luna cleared her throat elegantly. “Now, following the delectable banquet we have prepared for you all, we will have a number of presenters. Each of them is prepared to showcase their unique talents and discoveries in a way that is most impressive and entertaining. It’s all going to start with an intriguing explanation of Professor Cornelius Hoofington’s ‘Theory of Magical Constraints in Relation to the Relative Horn Density and Mass of Unicorns!” The crowd released a series of ‘oo’s and ‘aa’s, which was followed by polite, yet enthusiastic stomping of their hooves against the floor. Even through the moving crowd, I could see Celestia. She was almost at the table now. The guards were getting closer. I looked at Trixie. She wasn’t even trying to be gentle now, forcefully knocking the ponies around her to the ground, ignoring the crude insults that followed. “Yes,” Luna acknowledged happily, “we too are quite excited about hearing that one.” They were almost upon the princess now and we were still so very far away. I pushed more ponies out of my way and got even more dirty looks. Celestia was at the wine bar! “Finally, we’ve gathered the Royal Equestrian Symphony Orchestra and they’re going to play several fantastic pieces of music for our grand ball at the conclusion of the evening. We hear they are accepting requests this year.” Luna squealed excitedly. “So if any pony desires to hear ‘Piano Sonata Number Thirty-Four in C Minor’, tonight is thy most opportune moment!” Celestia popped the cork out of the bottle of wine closest to her. She lifted the bottle in the air. “Celestia?” One of the guards rested his hoof on the princess’ side. Back on stage, Luna continued. “We are most excited about the evening and we sincerely hope you all are as well!” “Your sister has told me that I can’t let you have any more wine,” the guard said politely, but forcefully. Trixie and I had almost broken through the dense crowd. We had a perfect, clear view of Celestia now. Celestia turned to face the guard. “Oh…” “Now, let us all relocate ourselves to the dining hall!” Luna announced. The crowd started moving and talking loudly. On stage, an evil grin formed on the moon princess’ face. She knew what we were trying to do. Then, just as we reached the end of the crowd, a sea of ponies rushed in front of us both, pushing us out of the way as we had done to them! “Pardon me,” one said. “Oh, I’m sorry,” said another. I tripped and fell to the ground. My hat teetered on my head… The hole from which I could see Celestia had vanished and Trixie disappeared onwards, past the sea of ponies. “Sorry.” Another pony bumped into me from behind and I could feel my top hat begin to fall from my head! I was doomed! Everypony would see my head and the horn I lacked. They would know I wasn’t Twilight Sparkle and kick me out! I would be banished to that cold, dark cell, lost forever in a world of torment… and bagels! Princess Luna glanced in my direction. Her eyes pierced through the crowd, that cruel smile stuck on her lips. But it wasn’t just her… They were all looking at me! But instead of moving to stop the black top hat from falling, I felt myself inexplicably pulled towards that damned bottle in my pocket! I knew that I had to keep my hat from falling, but I couldn’t stop myself! I couldn’t stop my hat from falling and I couldn’t stop that terrible addiction I thought I had banished so many years ago! My hoof rested on the cold glass in my pocket. The world around me turned black. But Luna’s grin grew stronger, still visible through the darkness. And her eyes, they were like beacons of light, shining through the night. And then, without any warning at all, I felt my hat stuffed back onto my head! And the darkness, Luna’s piercing eyes and horrible grin, the pull of my hoof towards the bottle, it all just vanished! Surprised, I looked up to see Trixie grinning back at me. “Don’t be so clumsy!” she scoffed. The other ponies that had been looking at me turned away. And on stage, Luna’s expression changed to one of disappointment and anger and not a second later, she teleported away. Soon, the entire crowd vanished too and we were left, staring at an empty corridor. Celestia was nowhere to be seen and the wine bar, and the wine, was being carried away by two armoured guards. The bottle the princess had been opening was taken away with them, its cork firmly replaced. We failed… I frowned and let out a heavy sigh. Granted, I still don’t know what we were doing, but we still failed at it… “I’m sorry Trixie…” I said, averting her eyes. “I wasn’t strong enough.” “Oh, get up!” Trixie rolled her eyes. “We can always find another way to keep Celestia drunk!” I slowly pulled myself back up and looked towards the dining hall. Princess Luna was walking slowly towards us. “Oh, hello there, imposter!” She smiled as she stopped in front of us. “Thou may have kept thy hat on thy head, but now Celestia is going to be as dry as a bone.” “Ha!” Trixie grinned back at her imposingly. “Celestia was awfully drunk, princess. The Great and Powerful Trixie does not think she will even have time to sober up before the end of the night!” “Well then thou are surely a fool.” Luna returned the expression coyly. “Did thou not know about the speed of an alicorn’s immune system? We can recover from a common cold in an hour and from an overuse of alcoholic beverages in a mere fifteen minutes. Celestia shall be sober before dinner is even served!” “WHAT!?” Trixie shouted, unsettled by the princess’ barrage of random facts. I glared menacingly at the princess. How does her mane even work? How can she sleep at night if it’s constantly moving around like that? I think it’s making me seasick. “And don’t think our sober sister will actually be fooled by such a pathetic disguise.” Luna laughed heartily and turned around. But as soon as she started to walk away, she stopped and craned her head back towards us. Trixie was sweating beside me. I would have been too, but I couldn’t seem to remember how to sweat. “Oh! And Celestia expects you to sit beside her the whole night, Fakelight Sparkle!” She closed her eyes and laughed again with her head held proudly in the air. “Wow…” Trixie’s panic disappeared and she stared at the princess with a very plain expression. “That was just about the worst insult Trixie has ever heard. One would think that after spending a thousand year alone on the moon, one could do a little better than that.” “Yes, that was most unimpressive indeed, your highness.” I added. Luna’s eyes snapped open and she scrunched up her face. She looked like she was about to say something, but couldn’t think of anything and so she just ran off. “Pfft!” Trixie rolled her eyes. “She is soooo weird.” ________________________________________________________________________ Author's Notes: Hello everyone! Naturally, I’ve been pretty busy with life in general (hence the tardiness of this chapter), but I seem to always find enough time to work on this bizarre story of mine. I really hope you all enjoyed this chapter. It’s definitely longer than usual, but I figure that somehow makes up for how long this took to write. In that respect, I seem to always find a way to underestimate how long my stories are going to be. With ‘Shadows of the Sun’, I planned on writing a 100 page story divided into 10 chapters. It ended up being more than 300 pages and 14 chapters. (And now, I’m even planning on writing a sequel to carry on that story.) And now with this, I planned on making it 40 pages long divided across 4 chapters. We all know how well that worked out. I guess I just always manage to find enough inspiration to make my stories longer, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It does mean, however, that I’m going to stop estimating how long my stories are going to be. What that means to you, is that ‘The Mailmare’ is probably going to be longer than I expected. Regardless, I really hope you’re enjoying the story and, if anything at all, the extension to the story is something you’re looking forward to. Thank you and everyone else who’s jumped onboard this crazy story of mine. I really hope you’ll stick around to see the conclusion. And as always, my special thanks goes out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. Your time and patience are much appreciated and you both really help keep this story rolling on the right track. If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at admin@theamberfox.ca. I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too. ________________________________________________________________________ Disclaimer: “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.