//------------------------------// // Chapter 53: Chocolate Never Tasted So Sweet // Story: Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website // by RainbowBob //------------------------------// “Deadpool?” A sigh. “Yes?” “I can’t sleep.” Deadpool opened a lid and waited for his vision to adjust to the darkness. He lifted up his head and peeked over the couch to the stairs leading up to Fluttershy’s room. “Is it thundering again?” “No.” “Is your shadow scaring you again?” “No.” “Is it the boogyman?” “No, he hasn’t come back ever since you gave him a wedgie.” Deadpool snorted. “An atomic one, that nerd.” “I’ve just been hearing a tapping on my window.” Several seconds of silence followed this. “C-could you come up and check it for me?” Deadpool sighed. He kept on sighing the entire walk up the stairs to Fluttershy’s room. He sighed harder when his head collided with her door. “Whoops, I forgot I closed the door.” After a few moments Fluttershy opened the door, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. “Th-thanks Deadpool.” Deadpool’s eyes were even yellower than usual, nearly matching Fluttershy’s coat in color. “Yeah. Don’t mention it. Especially at two in the morning.” Throwing Fluttershy’s windows open with a flourish, Deadpool stuck his head out and glared at the silent, dark countryside. Just a poorly lit path to town, trees with their leaves hidden in the shadows, and a few scatterings of clouds in the starry night sky. Closing the windows, Deadpool muttered, “Must’ve been your imagination. Or an animal. You like animals, don’tcha? If he taps on the window again, let him in and feed him dog food or something.” “You sure you didn’t see anything?” Fluttershy asked, glancing to the window once again. Deadpool turned his head to reply, but instead the door answered for him. His head was really going be sore in the morning, advanced healing factor or not. “Yeah! Preeeeetty sure!” Fluttershy smiled, the entire room seeming to brighten up. “Oh, thank you so much, Deadpool! It just means the world to me you checked.” Deadpool replied with a grunt and mumble, trudging down the steps back to the couch. However, once he plopped his body back onto the horribly lumpy, second-hand piece of furniture, his stomach growled. “Ugh… I knew that damn vegan food wouldn’t satisfy me,” Deadpool growled, getting up for the second time in less than five minutes. “Vegan chimichangas. Not even Satan, and I’ve already met that dude, could come up with something so evil.” Walking with one foot plodding after the other, he eventually reached the fridge and opened the door, only to be blinded by its bright white light. However, the light revealed no afterlife of eternal delight. Instead, it was filled with vegetables, fruits, and even… “Tofu,” Deadpool snarled. “Why does she even have this shit? It’s supposed to be a meat substitute, but ponies don’t even eat meat!” After a few seconds of thought, Deadpool shook his head. “Nooooooo, she wouldn’t. Of course not. No way. Yet…” Deadpool shrugged and instead withdrew some almond milk than dwell on that thought any longer. While he despised the milk, it was milk from a goddess’ teat when compared to soy milk. He shuddered at the mere thought of that awful excuse for a dairy product. After opening a cabinet, Deadpool searched for what his belly was craving. And, surprisingly enough, there it was, his prayers finally answered instead of being sent to voicemail. “Count Chocula,” Deadpool whispered in awe. He grabbed the cereal and held it with a loving touch, running a hand seductively up and down its box. “I didn’t even know Fluttershy had you. Or, heck, ponies in general! But finally, we are reunited once again.” Sitting at Fluttershy’s table, Deadpool poured out enough of the chocolatey-good cereal to fill the brim of his bowl, and then drowned it in milk. Rubbing his hands together, Deadpool was just about to take a big bite out of his midnight snack, until he realized he was missing the crucial implement required for doing so. “Huh, forgot my spoon,” he said. “Here,” someone said beside him, handing him one. Deadpool snatched it and eagerly dug it into his cereal. “Wow, thanks!” Pulling his mask up, Deadpool began to scoop up the cereal and consume it with a vigor that would have put any eight year-old out there to shame. After a few minutes, Deadpool stopped, his spoon clattering to the floor. “Wait just one burger-flipping minute… I nearly forgot the best part!” Deadpool picked up the bowl and guzzled down to the last drop all the chocolate milk, sighing with content once he was done. “Ah, that hit the spot.” Leaning back in his chair, Deadpool glanced at the table’s newcomer and asked, “So, Count Chocula, we meet again.” The Count of Chocolate giggled, tapping his clawed fingers together as his buck-tooth grin shined in the kitchen’s dull light. “Indeed, Deadpool, indeed. It’s been a while.” “Not since the General Mills incident of ‘92.” Count Chocula nodded, glowering at Deadpool underneath his long, hooked nose. “Shame what happened to Yummy Mummy and Fruit Brute. But these type of things happen for a reason.” “A reason indeed. Which is why I’m here,” Count Chocula said. His nails dug into the wood of the table, peeling back splinters. “I’m guessing your date with Celestia didn’t blow over too well?” Deadpool guessed. He glanced at his weapons beside the couch, over ten feet away. Between him and them was a very pissed off chocolate themed vampire that had a vendetta against him. “Truth be told, that’s why I came here originally. The others and I. But when I heard that you were in the same universe, well…” The Count’s eyes glowed a bright red for a second, “I knew I couldn’t pass the chance up.” Deadpool’s legs tensed, his chair slowly sliding back. “What others?” “My brethren. The children of the night, feasters of the flesh, suckers of the… well, you know.” The Count chuckled, a tongue wetting his buck-teeth. “None are as adamant about chocolate as I, but past that, we are all the same. Only one shall have Celestia as their prize.” “But instead of going out on a date, you decided to sneak up on me in the middle of the night?” Deadpool snorted. “Dude, you seriously need to get your priorities right.” “My priorities will be set once you’re six feet in the ground in over a dozen locations.” Ten feet. That was all Deadpool needed. Just ten incredibly far away feet. “C’mon, Count, we don’t have to get violent. You remember what I did to Franken-Berry? They weren’t even able to identify his body until they collected every piece. And do I even have to remind you what happened to Boo-Berry?” Deadpool placed a hand on the back of his chair, staring at the Count’s crimson eyes. “I like your cereal, Chocula. That’s the only reason you’re not dead already.” The Count giggled. “And I don’t like you, Deadpool. And that’s one of the many reasons you’re going to die tonight.” The silence hung heavy in the air, building up for several seconds, ready to pop at any moment. Finally, Deadpool whispered, “Cookie Crisp is better, bitch.” Count Chocula leaped in the air, claws extended, aimed right at Deadpool’s throat. “I want your BLOOD!”