//------------------------------// // The Baron and Some Spiders // Story: The Songs of True Madness // by Kaffeina //------------------------------// I climbed out of my bed and walked in on Twilight making breakfast.  "Waffles?"  "Duh."  She slid some onto my plate. Grinning I munched down the waffles. Hands are great. Either way.  Finishing my breakfast I made for the front door and sprinted into the woods for my usual meetings with Krona. As soon as I reached the castle I heard buzzing and poniod-bugs landed near me. Confused I found myself looking at none other than Chrysalis herself. She looked up into my face.  "What? Do I have like, I dunno, cabbage in my teeth?"  "What are you?"  I flicked her muzzle, "A person, thank you very much."  Her wings buzzed behind her as she rubbed her nose. "No matter, I can still take out the little purple one."  I frowned. "You're going after Twilight?"  "Pfft. No. I'm going after the dragon. Of course I'm going for Twilight. I can use her to lure in Cadence."  It was at that moment that Fluttershy, helping a little bird back to its nest, appeared. Turning faster than I expected, Chrysalis spoke up, "Quickly, take out this thing and grab the yellow one. We can use her!"  I coughed. "I'm not that easy you know."  "Oh really? You have no magic, weapons, or armor."  "Weapons? Pfft. I can take care of that. Armor, I don't need it, and magic is boring."  I chose to summon the Trident as I spoke.  She laughed, "That old thing? Why the fool who held it last got himself killed!"  Oh? She wants a challenge? I switched to random and a Lyre appeared in my hand. Great. I'll use music to take her out. That'll totally work. Sighing, I strum a cord and directly behind Chrysalis a tree explodes. I squint. It can't be... Twilight gave me a book on all the Divine weapons and all the Lyre can do is move leaves. I take up a tune and Chryssi is immobilized. Nearby a changeling begins to twist and turn his body morphing into a cedar tree, another into a bush, and the third into an oak tree. I finished the song and looked at the Queen.  "That's interesting," I mumbled.  "Really? You turned my best soldiers into plants and you call that interesting?" She fumed.  "Pretty much, though the tune made that anticlimactic."  Chrysalis squinted at me. "What are you?"  I grinned, and struck a few cords, "I am Essence!" A top hat appeared on my head, "A friend of the Elements," I now had a trenchcoat, "and a human!" I now had my outfit completed with a cane.  Suddenly I heard a voice,  "Hello there. Need some help in here, because I really don’t want to cut myself out."  I turned to Chrysalis, "Be back in a moment," and I felt I tickle in my nose, sneezed, and found myself next to what looked like a pair of bipedal changelings, tied up. “Oh, hello!” I said. “Hello there miss. Now, this is important. I need you to look up. That would be good.” I looked up. “Oh, that’s interesting.” The vaguely corpse-like being sighed. “I know that I’m interesting, but right now some help would be appreciated. Also, if you see any giant spiders around here, leave them alone. I want to punch them. Repeatedly. But getting me down is top priority.” “Hey, what about us?” One of the changelings yelled, struggling with his bonds. The taller corpse shrugged. “Don’t worry, you’ll get free soon. As your employer, it is my right to get freed first.” “He’s right ya know?” I shrugged and pulled Excalibur out of no where in particular and tossed it up to the corpse-like dude.”There, unless you can’t use your hands? If so would you try a tune? That’ll give me something to work with.” The corpse just smirked, rainbow-coloured eyes glowing intensely. “Well, I’m rather tied up at the moment, so I don’t think that’ll work. A tune eh? Well, I got one that I think will work…” With a twitch, the unmistakable sound of Sad Violin started playing. The guy grinned wider. “I think that should be a good tune to start with.” I grinned, “Great,” closing my eyes the Lyre appeared in my hands and I strummed as reality bent around and the spiderwebs turned into leaves. The corpse fell down, gracefully landing, incidentally revealing that it only wore a pair of black boxer shorts and the pointy black hat. He stretched out, skinny body making various popping and cracking sounds. Then, he walked up to me and stuck out a hand. “Thanks for the help. Name’s Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, Fabulous Rainbow Magician, the Walking Ice Age, Lord of the Dance, Three Times Winner of Best Smile in the Land, Former Mayor of Sycamore Town, Current Mayor of Lavender Town, Former Professor of Defense against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts, the Richest man in Metropolis, Grand Master of Ecky Thump, the Epic Level Lich, Sorceror/Monk Multiclass, Most Fabulous Undead in all the realm, The D, Leader of Gamergate, Elf-Murderer, Master of Face Punch, Big Sexy, Troper, Friend to Children, Current Mayor of the Necropolis, The Bifrost, and Maker of the Best Ever Cheese Sandwich!” “Um… Mine’s no where near that long with titles, I’m Essence, divine weapon wielder, the, ugh, bubble lady, the madness incarnate, destroyer of tyranny, and The Musician. Though the tyranny thing stopped after Celestia imprisoned me in stone for like 1,500 hundred years.” Xante nodded. “I’ve been seeing a lot of people get that same length of time. BUT ANYWAYS!” With a flick of his hand, rainbow-coloured energy blasted out, neatly removing the spidersilk from his two Changeling companions. They stood up, grumbling as he continued. “I can see that meeting you was fortuitous. The narrative continues to flow correctly for me. And probably for you as well, who knows.” “Ya, the whole imprisonment thing sucks aside from the whole it happening twice and all. Did you know that Celestia and Twilight can turn a simple scan spell into a time travel one? They sent me back over ten thousand years!” Xante winced. “Eesh. Tough break.” The sound of scittering, clattering steps from far off caused him to turn arund with a wide grin on his face. “It seems that we are about to encounter giant spiders! This is pretty good. Fortune is with me once again! Come, my ally, we shall need to beat on these spiders mercilessly. I may need to break out my Ecky Thump skills.” “So, spiders like Aragog and Shelob? Sounds fun! Know any divine weapons that you wanna try out?” Xante shook his head. “I’m pretty powerful in my own right. I wanna beat them up so that I can get a constant supply of spidersilk, not kill them.” As he spoke, rainbow-coloured magic started seeping off of him, and the ground beneath him got a thin layer of frost. He grinned at me, more power leaking off of him. “Besides, I much prefer using stupid weapons rather than practical ones.” It was then that the first of the spiders came around the corner. “No weapons? Alright!” I held up my hands, and snapped my fingers as a spider fell from above. In less than a second the spider was trapped in a bubble. “How’s that work?” Xante shrugged, though the raised eyebrow showed a keen interest. “Most impressive little bubble.” Another spider came, and Xante just walked up to it, pulling something long, blacn and oblong from his pocket. “ECKY THUMP!” And with a downwards motion, he brought the giant arachnid down. He smirked, pocketing the object. I snickered, “That’s funny.” I slammed the bubble down on another spider knocking it unconscious. Xante nodded. “I wasn’t lying about being an Ecky Thump grand Master, you know. I’m a Planeswalker; reality is literally my plaything.” Another spider came, and Xante distractedly levitated it into the ceiling. “I picked up a rather eclectic blend of martial arts- mainly judo and pressure point stuff. Good to not just rely on magic, you know?” “I get it, I know something while it isn’t too hard to do, it is very funny.” Turning to face a spider behind me I leaned down, looked it in the eyes and sneezed. The spider went flying into a tree. “See?” Xante nodded appreciatively. “Super sneezing. Never would have picked that one. Knew a kid who could sneeze like that. Man, those were the days, sneaking around with Sock guy and his friends, conning people and eating those fireflake things. Really good, you can’t get them anywhere else.” A spider trying to get close was belted with another black pudding in an offhand way. “I get what you mean there, I once knew a Zebra who could burp so hard and fast she flew all the way to the Crystal Empire,” I said. Xante stopped for a moment. “...that beats a lot of my stories.” He looked around, then went over to the nearest spider. He slapped it, then glared at its eyes. “I need you to spin me as much spidersilk as you can, or you’re probably going to regret it. Got that?” The spider seemed to be considering, then nodded. Xante beamed. “Splendid!” He turned to all the unconscious or otherwise incapacitated spiders lying around us. “That goes for all of you.” Another flare of power briefly illuminated the cave. The temperature dropped, the wind howled and Xante’s eyes briefly glowed an intense white. Frost formed on the opposite walls, and rainbows coloured light flared around Xante. Then, it was all back to normal. The spiders, now clearly terrified, started quickly spinning spidersilk. “Nice job,” I said looking around, “Mind if I hang around for a bit, it’s gotten boring in my universe.” Xante nodded. “I was about to get a drink.” He waved a hand, and a minibar popped into existence. The two changelings briefly looked between themselves, before shrugging. “Honestly, Xante, do you carry EVERYTHING except clothes in that thing of yours?”  The taller changeling asked. Xante nodded. “Of course I do, Xyleon. Why else would I have a Subspace pocket if not to keep all my random stuff in here?” He went behind, and started mixing. “For todays efforts, I reward myself with a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. What about you, miss Essence?” “I’ll try what you’re making, also, no need for the miss, it feels weird considering I was male before coming to Equestria.” The shorter, stockier Changeling briefly stared at me before shaking his head. “Xante, I think I need that Pan-Galactic whatever.” Xante nodded. “Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters all round!” He pulled out four glasses, tapped them and coughed. “You heard me, glasses.” They immediately filled with a strange green liquid, with an olive on a stick coming into existence a few seconds afterwards. “This is the best drink in the multiverse, I feel. It’s like having your brain being smashed out by a slice of lemon, wrapped around a large gold brick.” He passed the glasses around, and took a hearty swig. “It’s about 130% proof, just a fair warning.” I shrugged and sipped it. Within seconds my tongue felt like it had been blessed with divine powers. “Wow. This is great. Also I have an interesting question. If this multiverse has certain laws doesn’t that mean that there is more than one multiverse?” Xante shrugged. “If there is more than one multiverse, then I’m okay with that. The multiverse is a pretty big place and it’s not one I would just give up.” Beside him, the two changelings passed out, the glasses teleporting back to the bar before they fell. “True enough. Man, can’t hold anything can they?” I said looking at the changelings. Xante shrugged. “It takes a lot of alcohol to affect me because I’m a lich.” “Makes sense.” Xante continued, grinning as he took another sip. “I know that you’re an immortal, as you’ve been drinking that stuff like a champ. First time mortals drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster usually end up like those two.” With an idly flip, they were levitated onto their sides as they snored. I winked, “Got that right. Found it out the hard way though.” Xante shrugged. “Immortality isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I became a lich because I wanted to know what death felt like. Here’s a hint: it depends on the death.” “I would have figured. Mine would have felt like being crushed by a mountain.” I sipped the drink, “Warning. Discord has issues with you beating him in a prank war.” Xante paused. “Question. Who is Discord? I’m afraid that I haven’t met the gentleman.” “Really? Lord of Chaos? Wait… What’s the most recent event?” Xante looked at me strangely. “Just got back from the Crystal Empire. I was there for over a thousand years.” “So… You met Cadence and Twilight and the lot?” Xante nodded. “Yeah. I was briefly… enslaved by Sombra. Little shit. I was going to fight him, had no idea of his capabilities. Beat me in my lowest power form, this which you just saw.” “So, The Crystal Empire. Alright. When you go back try to get Twilight to convince Celestia that Discord can be reformed with kindness. Which by the way is not my idea. On my earth it was a TV series. Also, Twilight becomes an alicorn, and fights a half monkey and goat dude called Tirek. I think you’d have fun with Discord but Tirek will end up being a nuisance.” Xante nodded. “Got it. Thanks for the tip.” He smiled widely. The spiders had made quite a lot of spidersilk, and he looked at it appreciatively. “Well, thanks for the help, but I’m going to have to get going with this spidersilk.” “I’ve got an idea. Mind if I tag along?” Xante shrugged. “Eh, why not. Also, you may have guessed it, but this Equestria is what you’d call ‘anthropomorphic. Just a heads-up.” With an idle wave, the silk levitated upwards. Xante then made a complicated motion with his hands, and it vanished. He then stretched a hand out, while the Changelings levitated towards him. “Ready to go?” “Sure. Wanna fly back or?” Xante grinned. “Why fly…” And with a flash, we were at the outskirts of Ponyville. Xante grinned. “...when you can teleport?” I laughed, “Show off. Though I admit teleporting is fun.” Xante nodded, picking up the T-shirt and overalls that were lying on the rock nearby and putting them on. “Right, let us move to fair Rarity’s boutique for my new, fabulous robes.” “Of course. Fabulousness first,” I said, my tail flicking backwards. Xante strode forwards, confidently. The ponies of Ponyville briefly looked at me, then at Xante, then shrugged. Xante just kept grinning and occasionally waving at people as we walked to the boutique. “So, you said this one is anthropomorphic?” Xante looked at me oddly. “I assume that your eyes are functional, but yes, it is.” “What? I like ridiculous questions. Anyway. Mine’s sort of a mix.” “I’ll ask later, but I don’t think you’ll be very interested in the fitting of my robes anyway.” “I’ll wait in the front of the boutique.” Xante waltzed in, and grinned. “Rarity, I have the spidersilk, now let the robe-making commence!” I leaned back into one of the chairs and next thing I knew I was nearly crushed by three small fillies. I yelped and fell backwards. Groaning I looked up and found myself face-to-face with the CMC. My first thought was to run and the second was “Aw.. Adorable.” “Sorry miss, we didn’t see you there.” Resisting the urge to flee I spoke up, “Um, no problem.” The three fillies ran out the door. I shuddered. A few moments later Xante stepped out. Music started playing as he swished around. rather than the overalls and T-shirt he wore before, instead he wore long, flowing robes, coloured with all the colours of the rainbow in eye-searingly bright shades. The shoes that poked out from beneath were pointy and golden in colour, with gold lining the cuffs and edges of the robe. A long, golden cape draped down his shoulders, billowing dramatically in the wind. Behind him, Rarity was covering her eyes, unable to look directly at him. “What do you think, Essence? Is this not the hippest of hip outfits?” I grinned. “Indeed it is my colorful friend.” Looking down I realized my clothes were torn up. “Oh huh. Should probably get new clothes every so often…” Rarity jumped up, “Oooh I’ve got the perfect-” I cut her off. “Naw. I got this.” Focusing on the image in my head I let my madness out. I suddenly found myself wearing some armor from my favorite game and I grinned. “Being able to use my insanity to warp reality comes in handy.” Xante backed up a bit, still smiling. “That is a pretty useful little power. Well, I think it is time you got going. Reality warpers and me don’t really mix that well. But we can meet up later, if you want to.” “Sure thing. Here,” I tossed the ring with the trident on it to Xante, “If you ever need help just call me up. I’m available any time. And by the way I don’t fit the norm for reality warpers.” Xante nodded, pocketing the ring. “Good to know. I just have a fair few bad experiences with them.” “Ok. Here,” I tossed him a bracelet of rainbow colors. “This’ll make you both immune to all of them, except my own, and give you some of the powers.” Xante examined the bracelet for a few moments, before shaking his head and returning it. “I prefer doing things the hard way. It’s a lot more fun.” “Keep it just in case. It may help out with major disasters and such. Anyways,” I grinned, “I’ll get going.” My eyes twinkled and I flicked my tail in his face before jumping into the air, shouting, “To Infinity and beyond!” and finding myself in front of Chrysalis again. “Oh yeah. That.”