Vocaloid in Equestria: beta session

by DerpyStarlet


Chapter 34: Learning Alchemy and Trolling Blueblood

~Canterlot Castle, My Room~

After returning to my room in the castle, I decided to open the first book that caught my eye, Basic Alchemy for Beginners. Thoroughly intrigued by this, I crack open the book and begin reading. In a matter of minutes, I find I'm already halfway through the book, and can remember everything I read in it. My internal musing is interrupted when a knock sounds from the door. Staring at the door, I decide to get and open it. Standing on the other side is a pair of guards with my cleaver between them. "W-we've been tasked by the princesses to bring this weapon to you." One of the guards panted.

"Cheers." I replied, grabbing the sword and then shutting the door in their faces. Placing the cleaver on the desk, I return to reading the book I had been before the guards arrived. Several minutes later I had completely finished the book, much to my own surprise. Deciding to put what I had learned from the book to practical use, I grabbed a useless book from the book shelf titled Twilight Sparkle's Foalhood Photos and place it on the desk. Focusing, I place my hands above the book, suddenly a glowing pink circle manifested under the book, and in a flash of light the book was replaced by a granite sphere with a fuse. With a malicious smile, I knew exactly who I was going to piss off with this explosive device.

~Prince Blueblood's Room~

Prince Blueblood stood dumbfounded as he stared into the destroyed remains of his royal suite. His bed was a pile of charred tinder, his bookshelves scrap wood, his expensive books, little more than ash. Not even his expensive bust of himself survived. And sitting amongst it all was a note. A note addressed to him. Using his magic to pick up the note, he read it aloud. "You only live once Blueblood, so don't piss people ponies off, you'll live longer. Signed your nemesis." Letting the note flutter to the ground, Blueblood could do little more than cry like a filly until a guard decided to take him to the infirmary.

~My Room~

I sat in my room trying my hardest not to giggle like a madman as I thought upon what I'd done. No one would ever suspect I was the one who detonated an explosive device in that pompous asses room. I doubt they even knew what an explosive was. Deciding alchemy was a fun thing, I grabbed the next up book and opened it. Several minutes later, I could comfortably say I was on par with an intermediate level alchemist, but decided to diversify, moving onto the only book I had on Zeromancy. Opening, my eyes nearly bugged out as I read the brief introductory blurb. "Zeromancy is the art of generating and manipulating zero point fields to your whim. In this book, we will look into the in-depth nature of this marvelous field and how one can attain near infinite power. Let us start with sub-quantum thermodynamic fields and their relation to overt nuclear physics and the absolute base energy in an atomic system." I immediately shut the book and returned it to the pile, deciding that becoming a nigh-omnipotent mage can until after I learnt what half those words meant, let alone the science behind them. Picking up another book, I glanced at its title. "Pyromancy and how you are not an arsonist." With a wry grin, I opened the book and began reading. A further ten minutes later, and I was comfortably juggling fist sized fireballs. Extinguishing them with but a thought, I decided to get some food. Snatching up my meat bag, I strode out of my room, alchemically binding the two halves of the door together as a perfect locking mechanism.

After several minutes wandering the corridors, I finally found myself at the dining room. Entering I looked around, spying an earth pony waiter entering a door labeled staff only. My target in sight, I waltz over to the door and flung it open, much to the surprise of the rooms occupants.

"Excuse me, but this room is employees only!" The head chef rudely informed me. Ignoring him, I set my sights on a lone griffon, stalking towards him with near predatory intent. As I neared him, he began to visibly sweat.

"You." I said, pointing at the frightened griffon.

"Y-yes?" He asked fearfully.

"You will cook me a steak, with a side of chips." I demanded.

"Wait, that's it?" He asked quizzically. "No trying to berate me for eating meat?"

"Why would I? Just because it's a part of your base biology doesn't mean I'll look down on you for it." I said, much to his relief. "Instead, I'll look down on you for being a coward. Now make my food." I ordered, grabbing a raw steak from the saddlebag and slapping it in his talons and then storming out, leaving a frightened griffon with steak in his talons. twenty minutes later, a waiter trotted out of the kitchen and placed a platter with a silver lid in front of me, he then removed the lid, revealing a cooked steak with a large side of chips. Nodding my thanking to the waiter I moved to eat my food, before noticing there weren't any utensils. With a sigh, I extended my right arm to the chair next to me and converted a portion of it into a steak knife and fork. Grabbing the utensils, I began eating my meal, much to the apparent disgust of the waiter. Upon finishing, I stood up and left the waiter to clean up. As I was about to exit, I bumped into Luna.

"Oh hello Dubious." Luna said in a pleasant tone.

"Hi." I said in a bland tone.

"I was wondering something about you."

"And?" I asked.

"Well, do not like me?"

"I don't like many things." I replied, her face visibly saddening. "Conversely, I don't dislike many things either." Now her face was of utter confusion. "I rarely feel strongly about things. But when I do, you will know my opinions on them." I said, moving past her, only to be stopped by a wing.

"What do you mean by you don't feel strongly about things?"

"Just don't, never have, never will."

"What about the night?" Luna asked.

"What about it?"

"Do you dislike the night?" She asked with a hopeful look.

"No." I replied, causing a smile of immeasurable happiness to cross her face. "But neither do I like it." Her smile faltered a bit. "It is merely the circadian motion of the planet as it follows its gravitationally dictated path around the sun." Now she was giving me the look reserved for 'special' people.

"You are aware that the moon is raised by me, correct?"

"Bullshit." I replied.

"What?!"

"Bullshit. The energy required to move a celestial mass of that magnitude would exceed anything short of an equally large power stations output to move. And even then it's iffy."

"Very well, I shall prove it to you tonight." Luna decried.

"No."

"What." Luna said, not even intoning it as a question.

"No, I'm not going to watch you delude yourself into thinking you raise the moon. Plus I'll be elsewhere when that happens." I said, exiting the room, leaving a stunned Luna in my wake. After a while of lurking around the halls, I decided to head back to my room and read up more on pyromancy. As I returned to my room, I beheld a group of six guards ramming into my door with a bench. I merely stared at them as they backed up and rammed the door again.

"There it is!" I heard a nasally whiny voice say from behind the guards. "There's the creature that destroyed my room!" Blueblood shouted, pointing one of his hooves at me.

"Halt, you're under arrest!" One of the guards declared, charging me. As I casually sidestepped the terrible attempt at detainment I spoke up.

"And what proof do you have of this?" I asked as the guard smacked into a wall and knocked himself unconscious.

"This!" Blueblood said with a flourish, producing the note I left in his room. With a subtle flick of my wrist, the note burst into flames and incinerated.

"All I see is a pile of ashes." I stated with a smirk.

"This isn't over! I will have you!" Blueblood screeched as he stormed off followed by five guards. I chuckled to myself as I unbound my door and entered my room, rebinding it behind me. Settling down on a couch in the corner, I looked out over Canterlot city from the rather large window in my room. I noticed that it was getting dark, and since there was no internet here, much to my constant disappointment, I decided to grab a book. Picking one at random I sat back down and opened it.

"Daring Do and the Sapphire Statue." I read aloud. Clearly an Indiana Jones rip off. And so I sat there for the next several hours reading a mediocre book. Upon finishing said book, I replaced it on the shelf and stripped off my clothes and got in bed, which had somehow made itself in my absence. Not questioning the physics of self-making beds, I drifted off to sleep.

~My Dreams~

As I entered my dreams, I took in the surrounding environment, a whole lot of black. "Strange, Usually when I dream of black it's because there's a fuck massive space battle going on." I thought aloud. Then an ominous chuckling sounded throughout my dream.

"Hahahahaha! You cannot ban me from my own realm!" I hear Luna's voice bellow from everywhere and nowhere. "No we can talk about whatever we want! Now tell me, how do you find my night?" Luna asked me, as I casually raised my hand and swiped it down the air in front of me, bringing up a menu. "W-what are you doing?" Luna asked as she saw what I was doing. Selecting the party open in the menu and set it to private, which made Luna begin to sweat. "Surly we can talk about this? I know! How about a lovely café?" She pleaded as the surroundings changed into a standard pony café. "You like this, yes?" Luna asked hopefully. I merely selected Luna's name in the menu and selected kick from party. "Nooooooooooo" Luna yelled as she was kicked from my dreams. As an extra measure I selected her again and ticked the box next to block all communications. I then proceeded to dream the sleep of the unpredictable.

~The Next Day~

I awoke blearily to the feeling of weight on my body. Looking at the source I blanched. Sitting on my lower body was a pouting Luna. "Why did you kick me from your dreams." It took nearly all of my sleepy willpower to not say.

"Because fuck you, that's why... Shit, I said that aloud, didn't I?" I asked, receiving a nod. "Well I just woke up, so it's natural I won't be thinking rationally for the next few minutes." I explained.

"Okay... So, why'd you kick me from your dreams?"

"The philosophies and mindset behind that are too intricate and complex to be explained to you."

"Are you calling me stupid?!" Luna shouted.

"Nooooo, I'm calling you incapable of understanding highly intricate and deep philosophies from an alien mindset." I calmly replied.

"Oh. When you say it like that it makes perfect sense." Luna sheepishly responded.

"Now get off my chest."

"Sorry." Luna said getting off my chest. "So, how about lunch?" She asked hopefully.

"Nyet." I told her, getting up out of bed. I then realised my state of dress, followed shortly after by a suddenly acquired sense of female modesty kicking in. "G-get out!" I said embarrassedly, trying to cover my chest and blushing heavily.

"But you were fine yesterday!" Luna exclaimed as she tried to leave, encountering a bound together door.

"I have no idea why I'm suddenly embarrassed now get!" I exclaimed, charging a fireball in my free hand.

"I'm trying but the door won't open!" Luna yelled before jumping to the side as a fireball impacted the door and blew it off its hinges.

"Now get! And maybe but the door back." I said as Luna galloped out of the room, using her magic to re-affix the door to the frame. "Okay, so what the fuck just happened?" I questioned aloud as I walked over to the door and undid the damage dealt by the fireball. Once that was done I redressed, unbound the door and left. Upon arriving in the dining room, I noticed a bunch of nobles sitting around and eating lunch. They all turned to look at me as I entered the room.

"Oh look, it's the creature." Blueblood said from his seat near the end of the table. With a subtle flick of my wrist an alchemical circle manifested under his seat, causing the back two legs to dissolve into oxygen. I released a snicker as he fell backwards.

"At least I can sit on a chair without falling down." This got a laugh from the other nobles present.

"I will have you for this!" Blueblood declared, charging his horn. I casually summoned a dozen fireballs into existence.

"You really wanna have a go?" I asked.

"Yes! Tomorrow, at the Canterlot dueling grounds!" Blueblood stated.

"Alright, I'll see you there tomorrow."

"At nine."

"At nine."

"Am."

"Fuck you."

"As if I'd let a creature like you be graced by my royal seed." Blueblood said with a harrumph.

"I am so learning the most fatal spells I can." I said with a scowl. With a derisive snort Blueblood stormed out of the room.

"You are aware that Blueblood is the second most powerful battle knight in Equestria, aren't you?" A noble asked.

"It took me ten minutes to learn basic pyromancy. He gave me a day to prepare." I told the noble.

"I see, but are you aware it is a duel to the death?"

"I did not. Query, is the use of weapons allowed?"

"Yes. Though he'll be mainly using his magic."

"Excellent. Now then, to choose between the sword that can three shot the lord of the nether, or the device that can break apart atomic bonds?" I thought aloud.

"Excuse me, but here is your menu." A waiter said, passing me a menu.

"Cheers." Opening the menu I beheld its contents, a whole lot of salads and flower sandwiches. "Uh, you don't perhaps have a menu for those whose biology can't digest flowers, do you?"

"What?" The waiter asked. I facepalmed.

"Do you serve anything for those who don't eat flowers." I clarified.

"Oh, we have a menu for griffins."

"Then get me one of those whilst I puzzle out how many schools of magic to learn before tomorrow. I'm thinking seven." Once the waiter returned, I took the menu and glanced over it. "I'll have... The exact same as I demanded the griffon chef make me yesterday. Nothing on this menu is appetizing."

"Of course." Once the waiter left the nobles began chattering.

"I wonder how long it'll take for you to lose to Blueblood." The noble next to me said.

"Until the heat death of the universe."

"Huh?"

"All these science jokes and no one to laugh at them." I said with a sigh. "He'll never beat me. My rate of growth is too immense for him to over come."

"He's had thirty years to learn magic. You can't win."

"It took me twelve minutes to reach a level in alchemy equivalent to an intermediate practitioner."

"Just because you're good at alchemy, doesn't mean you can defeat him."

"Who do you think made his chair fall over backwards?" I asked with a devilish grin as all the nobles suddenly stopped talking.

"Y-you can use remote alchemy?!" The noble said in shock.

"Yes." I replied simply.

"Remarkable! It was thought to be achievable only by those who have studied for decades, and yet you attained it in twelve minutes of study. If you win this duel, I might just sponsor your entry into the Royal Canterlot University of Magic."

"I could probably afford it."

"It's a twenty thousand bit per term fee."

"Oh... I have four million bits."

"How did you gain so much money?" The noble asked in amazement.

"Sold a literal ton of mithril."

"Where did you even get that much mithril?"

"Raided soooo many floating fortresses and vast labyrinthine networks it wasn't funny."

"I see, and what inhabited these locales?" A noble asked.

"Goblins, yetis, and some cunt with an indestructible shield." I said.

"Hmm, how did you take out the Cunt with an indestructible shield?" The noble asked. It naturally took me a minute to reply.

"I trapped it in a hole in the ground and repeatedly stabbed its head."

"Clever strategy. Very well, you eat your lunch, and I shall see you at the duel tomorrow." The noble said with a bow before leaving. After he left, the waiter returned with my food. As he placed it on the table in front of me, I once again noticed a lack of eating utensils. With a sigh I converted a portion of the table into the appropriate cutlery and began eating.

~My Room~

After finishing my meal I returned to my room and plopped down on my couch. As I pondered what to learn for tomorrow, a sizeable problem dawned on me, I didn't know how to fight outside of throwing people across entire rooms. As I pondered upon this, I was struck by a brilliant idea. Walking over to my atomic disassembler, I picked it up and gave it a twirl. Having gotten a good feel for its weight, I began performing slow swings and spins with it. After about half an hour I started to pick up the speed. Two hours after I began I was able to effortlessly swing, spin, and smack with it to a degree I deemed combat ready. My melee requirements taken care of, I scanned the tomes I had on my floor. As I glanced over them, a few caught my interest. After picking them up I read out their titles. "Intermediate pyromancy, basic aeromancy, basic electromancy, advanced alchemy, intermediate aromancy, intermediate electromancy, and basic geomancy. I think these'll do for tomorrow." I decided. Placing the books down next to the couch, I sat down, got comfortable, and began studying.