“Move! Move! I want to get it first!”
“Fat chance, like it would even do anything for you!”
One of the colts growled as he pushed against the other who insulted him.
“I’m a lightweight, I would probably feel it quicker than you anyway, so I should get it first!” he said. He was a short orange colt with stubby legs, an unkempt and messy brown mane, and amber eyes that glared at the other audacious colt. Despite his tackle, he didn’t seem to have much of an effect on the taller colt, who merely shrugged off the attack and pushed the shrimp away. The taller colt had a tan coat with yellow eyes and a cleaner black mane. However, the mane seemed a little too clean considering all the dust that frequently was kicked into the air.
“Fillies, fillies, calm down,” a third colt replied as he pushed himself between the two, holding them apart with his forehooves. “We have to keep our eyes on the prize. We’re almost there.”
Both colts glared at each other, but decided to focus ahead on the dirt path. The short colt shuddered as the house they were looking for appeared over the horizon. “What do you think he’s like?” he asked amongst his shuddering.
“I heard that his stash possesses powers unlike Equestria’s,” the leader said, his own green eyes staring straight at the house as he got closer. He seemed to be kicking his hooves and walking slower than his two partners. He had to frequently run in order to catch up.
“I heard that the stuff he gets is better than anything in the Everfree Forest,” the tall colt said. “Like, you take a little bit and you’re never yourself again.”
The small colt only seemed to shudder more violently from hearing this. “If it’s better than the Everfree Forest, then shouldn’t we stay away from it?” he asked.
“Oh, I thought you wanted to be a tough and brave stallion,” the leader said with a laugh. The short colt blushed in embarrassment.
“I… I do…” the colt muttered. “But if this makes you a stallion… can’t we do it some other time? I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“Too late.”
The three colts stopped. The house was merely a few feet away, but the leader turned away from it and his partners followed, wanting to go over their game plan first. “Alright so here’s what we’re going to do,” the leader said as the three huddled up. “We’re each going to play a character. That way, if things go sour, he won’t remember our names.”
“What about what we look like?” the small colt asked.
The leader paused with a blink. “Come on,” he said with a laugh, “If this stuff is as good as they say it is, I doubt he would even remember our names, much less what we look like. Don’t worry about it.” He pointed to the small colt. “Your new name is Small Package.”
The small colt’s jaw hung agape. “Why is my new name that!?” he asked.
“‘Cause good things come from it. I heard that in a movie once,” the leader said as he pointed to the tall colt. “Your new name is Big Hoof. Make sure to look tough while we talk.”
The tall colt looked down at his hooves and raised an eyebrow. “But my hooves are like… the smallest part of me.”
“Hey-o,” the leader replied with a laugh before he turned around and faced the house. “I’ll be Hard Core. I gave you these names cause they make us look old and tough. I doubt that he’ll sell to us if we look like colts, so for today, we aren’t colts. We’re stallions. The kind of stallions that pay taxes and nod our heads whenever we agree with something on the radio.”
The two colts next to the leader nodded in agreement, despite the lack of a radio. The leader gulped as the three colts continued, until they were touching the house’s door. They made it. Now, the only problem was leaving with the Stash.
“Follow my lead, and let me do the talking,” the leader whispered as he knocked on the door.
There wasn’t a response for some time, and the leader knocked on the door again.
“I got it, Mom!” a loud and obnoxious voice yelled, barely muffled by the door. The owner of the voice opened the door and paused as he stared at the three stallions. He was a small colt, about the size of Small Package, with a brown coat, orange mane, and brown eyes. He had a perpetually spinning hat on his head, and seemed to have a spaced out expression no matter who he was staring at. “Uhh,” the colt blinked, “can I help you?”
“We’re here to see Button’s Stash,” Hard Core said as he stood on his hind legs to rub his hooves together. “You know…”
The colt blinked, before he smirked and nodded. “You aren’t the Button Rash, right?” he asked.
Hard Core blinked. “The what?”
The colt rolled his eyes. “The 5-0? The Pon Pon? Royal Guard? Come on, I can’t spell it all out for you.”
Hard Core blinked and then shook his head. “Naw man, we wouldn’t do that to you. We just want to know what it feels like to be a stal—”
Small Package hit him in the rib with a hoof and immediately cut him off. “Stall...ing for time. Yeah. We wanna waste some time with the stuff that you got. You know? Cause we’re stallions?”
Hard Core coughed and nodded. “Yeah… we want a break in between the nine to five job and child support payments.”
“And boy are there a lot of those!” Big Hoof added.
Now it was the colt’s turn to raise an eyebrow. Hard Core turned around to glare at Big Hoof, away from the colt’s view and Big Hoof laughed nervously.
“You know, cause I can’t stop…sending letters to the Stork? Look, are you going to show us the Stash or not?”
The colt sighed and beckoned towards himself with a hoof. “I expect some Button Cash for the Button Stash.”
The three colts immediately threw their bags of bits onto the threshold, right in front of the other colt, who picked them up and smirked. “Got it. I’ll go get him for you.”
The door closed, and Hard Core immediately smacked Big Hoof on the side of the head. He needed to jump pretty high to do it, but he managed.
“What is the matter with you?!” Hard Core said once he fell back to the ground. “Do we even look old enough to have kids?!”
“I mean, I’m old enough to write a letter so… yeah?” Big Hoof asked.
Hard Core sighed and fell onto his back. “You don’t know where babies come from, do you?” he asked.
“Do you?” Big Hoof asked.
Hard Core gasped as the realization finally hit him. “N...no.” He paused as the door opened again, and out came a figure of magnificent power.
This being had a hat that was perpetually spinning upon his head, like a beacon of experience and thought. Perhaps he was always on the tips of his hooves, ready for danger whenever it struck. He had an unkempt orange mane, as if no time needed to be focused on it, since that wasn’t where the magic happened. His eyes were a calm and cool brown, collect and calculating. Finally, he had a black mustache underneath his muzzle, which cemented this stallion as the real deal. This, was Button Stash. Or at least, the stallion that could bring these colts to it. “You called?” the stallion asked.
“Y-yeah!” Hard Core said as he beamed down at the stallion, trying to control his sudden shuddering. “We heard that you had some good stuff in your Stash. We’re here to see it.”
The stallion blinked. “So, you would like to see my Button Stash?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Hard Core replied.
The stallion pointed towards himself. “That’s me,” he said. “I’m Button Stache.”
“You’re the Button Stash?” Hard Core asked. “I don’t follow.”
Button Stache pointed at himself. “I am Button Stache.”
“Uh huh.”
Button pointed behind him. “And I have a Button Stash.”
“With you so far.”
“And it has my Button Stache.”
“And you lost me.” Hard Core placed his forehooves over his temples and fell back on his rump, trying to massage away the stallion-like migraine that was forming.
Button Stache raised an eyebrow and pulled the mustache off of his face. The three colts blinked and Small Package pointed at him. “Hey, where did Button Stache go? We were right in the middle of a conversation.”
“That’s kind of rude,” Big Hoof replied.
“Yeah, I mean, we’re visiting him and we already paid him for the Stash. He could at least be civil about it.” Small Package added.
Button put his Stache back on and the three colts gasped while Button smiled, expecting the colts to get it. However, Hard Core simply continued to talk. “Well thanks for coming back. We were kind of talking to you, but whatever,” he said. “Do you have the Stash or not?”
Button shook his head. “Nope, don’t have the Stash.”
Hard Core felt like he was going to boil over. He yelled and grabbed Button Mash by the neck and held him by the scruff of his neck. “You don’t have the Stash!?”
Button shook his head. “Nope. I don’t have the Stash, but I do have the Stache.”
Button smacked a fake mustache onto Hard Core’s muzzle. Instantly, he could feel the power of stallionhood flush through his veins. Not a single part of him changed, but for some reason, he could feel the rush of lower metabolism, increased nervousness around mares, and crippling student debt. He could feel himself immediately want to disagree and prove someone right even though no one cared. Finally, he could feel a rush between his legs, but it slowly turned into an existential crisis. Hard Core realized, after all of this time, that he was currently naked.
“AH!”
Hard Core Button dashed down the street, disappearing over the horizon while the two remaining colts and Button Stache watched. Big Hoof turned back to Button Stache with his mouth agape. “Woah!” he said. “What did you do to that stallion?”
Button smirked. “I simply gave him a Button Stache. It’s a part of my new Button Stash’s Button Fash...ion line.” Button pulled another mustache out of sight and held it up in the air. “This mustache has a power unlike anything else in Equestria. Not even Zecora can make a potion that does what this does!”
Both colts blinked as the stallion bragged about his product. “So what you’re saying is… that your Button Stash is a Button Cache full of Button Staches for a Button Fash...ion line?” Big Hoof asked.
Button Stache nodded. “Yep! And don’t worry, I’ve already thought about all the possibilities. I guarantee that this Button Stache won’t Button Clash with any of your clothes! This isn’t any Button Trash that I’m showing you, this is the real deal!”
“Stop! I can’t handle the puns!” Small Package yelled as he closed his eyes and covered his ears with his hooves.
Big Hoof stepped back, expression filled with fear at the realization that the Button Stash was a lie in a Button Flash. “Run away!” Big Hoof yelled as he Button Dashed down the road, leaving the two colts in the dust as he went home to Button Smash his head in from the excess of puns. With Big Hoof gone, it was just Small Package and Button Stache.
Button pulled out another Button Stache and gave it to Small Package. “Looks like you might be the only one who could handle the Button Stash. Use it well, my stallion. You’ve earned it.”
Small Package slowly extended his hoof out and took the Stache, but paused as he looked down at it. “This will change my life forever, won’t it?” he asked.
Button Stache nodded. “Only time will tell if you could handle it. This is why I only sell to stallions. With colts, the Button Stache will usually turn their lives to Button Ash, because they can’t handle it. With great power, comes a whole lot of choices that you have to make such as not copying a phrase that might be protected by copyright and scary lawyers.”
Small Package blinked. “What?”
Button laughed. “Oh nothing, don’t worry, go have fun with your new stache!”
Button pushed Small Package over to the steps that lead down and away from his house and he rushed back into his house and slammed the door. Small Package blinked again as he looked down at the Button Stache. All of that power was in his hoof. The ability to go buy from the back section of the movie store. The courage to ask his mother exactly where babies came from, and the grapefruits to listen. The ability to finally understand what the politicians were talking about, and yet not give a single buck.
With a sigh, he dropped it to the floor and began to walk away.
“Screw this, I’m going to snort some Poison Joke.”