//------------------------------// // Quit Irken My Hair // Story: The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody) // by TundraStanza //------------------------------// Please make sure that the "Formatting" in the top right is set to "Dark", not "Light". Thank you. A/N: I've got plenty of ideas left. I've also got a bunch of suggestions flowing in. It's just that my time and motivation don't always coincide with each other. Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and Nickelodeon. --- The Moment No Pony was Waiting For Season 3 E 7 All of the yelling and laughing hurts my ears. It's time to take a step away from the dark and serious and move toward the more comical. Comical is right. These two villains are mean, green, and ridiculously overplayed. The self-appointed Irken Invader Zim... ... will face the Power Ponies' arch-nemesis: Mane-iac. She's N and I'm F. He's W and I'm B. And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills... ... to find out who would win a Death Battle. ---Death Battle--- Zim -Irken "Invader" (actual rank is "Defective Frycook") -Exiled to Earth alongside Garbage Issue Information Retrieval unit (G.I.R.) -Inconsistent piloting skills of various spacecraft -A masterful technician and mechanical prowess -Very aggressive, impulsive, and negligent -Wears a life-sustaining PAK, which has a ten-minute life limit if removed; contains mechanical spider legs, various laser blasters, jet boosters, and an auto-reset -Highly allergic to water, Earth food, and high pitched noises "G.I.R., I'm going down into the lab. Do not let anyone into the house." The Irken Empire of aliens is ruled over by Red and Purple, the two Irkens with the most stature and literally titled "Tallest". That's stupid. Well, at least they're kind of cool in the way that they invade other planets in the galaxy like aliens tend to do in science-fiction... or America. One of the invaders chosen to participate in Operation Doom was Zim. Unfortunately, his eagerness to destroy worlds got the better of him and he ended up destroying all of the other invaders as well as a good chunk of his home planet. Whoops. The Control Brain wasn't too happy about that and reprogrammed his rank to that of a fry cook. His sentence was to work on the planet Foodcourtia for the rest of his life. However, Zim's attention span took a hiatus when news reached him regarding Operation Doom 2. He left his "vacation" and high-tailed it over to the announcement ceremony uninvited. The Tallest then got a crazy idea to send their brash, exiled one to a random unknown space with a poorly constructed robot. Luckily for Zim, the coordinates actually had a planet within them: Earth. Ever since his arrival, he has been focusing his efforts on conquering and/or destroying the planet. He might have succeeded if it weren't for his negligence in the face of some key flaws in his plans, his idiotic sidekick G.I.R., and the thwarting efforts of a human named Dib. While his ability to hack and fly spacecraft has been pretty inconsistent, he does other machines pretty well. "There were some glitches in the security system. But thanks to my masterful repair skills, the fortress is now impenetrable." He's constructed a number of overly complicated torture devices, computer chambers, electro-thingamajigs, and laser weapons. The only machine that Zim owns in which he did not have a part in constructing is his PAK. Though it resembles a normal backpack, this PAK stores all of Zim's memories and intelligence. Additionally, it contains four extendable spider limbs, jet boosters for short flight, and an auto-reset which can bring him back to life should he suffer a lethal blow. However, if this PAK gets completely detached by a strong enough force, Zim can only survive ten minutes. On this particular iteration of Earth, hardly any of the people seem to carry enough intelligence to see through Zim's disguises which don't even try to hide his green alien skin. You'd think a techno-genius would be able to conquer this kind of planet with ease. But no, he wastes a good chunk of his time trying to out-wit Dib, a kid that's all about the paranormal and supernatural. Maybe if he spent more time following through with his full plans instead of practicing his screaming, he could get somewhere. But where would the fun in that be? Then he wouldn't be able to wave around his Plunger of Doom. Wow... thanks, B. I was trying really hard to forget that that weapon existed. You're welcome. "I am Zim!" ---Death Battle--- Mane-iac -Originally a worker with hair-care products -Residence: Maretropolis -Fell into a vat of green liquid and turned completely insane -Has a mane that is durable, long-reaching, gripping, and elastic -Capable of building some powerful weapons like the Hairspray Ray of Doom and a hair dryer-shaped doomsday device -Has a tendency to monologue -Uses "mane" puns religiously "Time for the mane event!" Now here's a pony that needs no introduction. But since we know how little you folks remember over time, we'll introduce her again anyway. In the bustling nighttime city of Maretropolis, six super-powered ponies and their draconic sidekick fight to protect their home from the destruction by one supervillain. That supervillain is the Mane-iac. Mane-iac is a combination of several comic book villain tropes. You've got Joker's origin story of falling in acid, a green mane that acts a lot like Dr. Octopus' extra arms, and the obligatory exposition of evil plans of the Golden Age. That mane isn't just a bad hair day. It is strong enough to lift herself and heavy equipment simultaneously. Additionally, she's got the technical know-how to create large-scale doomsday devices. Why she needs a bunch of incompetent henchmen is beyond me, but I guess that's grunt logic for you. Still, I get really annoyed by how often she uses the word "mane" for so many bad puns. It's like listening to the Joker without him actually being funny. F shivers in place. Perish the world if that ever comes to pass. "I have a city to destroy, and I'm not about to let the Power Ponies stop me! Not this time!" ---Death Battle--- All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all. It's time for a- Death Battle! ---Death Battle--- Various lights pass through the artificial city environment. They are supposed to be cars, but the budget only allowed room for vaguely positioned dots of the red and yellow variety. Though, this hardly matters as the camera switches over to a very specific street which has little traffic at this time of night. A wall crashes outward, sending bricks and dust everywhere. Some insane laughter fills the speakers of the audience with stereo systems. At the same time, a few green tentacle-esque limbs exit through the crashed wall. "Wah ha ha ha ha ha! Yes! Once the mane part of my overly convoluted plan is complete, I will stroke my ego long enough to completely destroy this city and all who care to protect it! Try and stop me, Power Ponies!" The crazy pony continues to laugh. The camera zooms out a bit as the shot transfers to a monitor within the basement laboratory of some mad scientist. Strike that. It's the basement laboratory of a mad alien. He punches the side of his keyboard in frustration. "That filthy, weird-haired earthling horse stole my idea," he grumbles. "No, she didn't," says his nearby robot assistant teasingly. "Silence!" Solid magenta eyes glare at the robot in anger. However, the robot is too busy crushing his tacos into his waffles to care about his master's anger. All the while, he sings some completely tuneless melody of his own trash mind. Realizing his current bit of yelling is pointless, the alien hops off his seat and quickly runs to his levitating elevator platform. "G.I.R.!" he yells, "I will deal with this plan-stealer swiftly. Keep watch over the base while I'm gone and don't let anyone in." Briefly, G.I.R. stands up and gives a salute. His eyes glow red during this moment. "Yes, my master!" Of course as soon as the alien is lifted out of the lab and out of sight, the red glow returns to blue. G.I.R. grabs a chocolate slushy out of seemingly nowhere and sucks at the straw like there's no tomorrow. --- "Foolish earth horse with stupid hair!" calls out the alien as he walks on his four mechanical, extendable limbs. "If anyone's going to destroy this planet, it's going to be me." She turns around at his obnoxious voice. "Oh? And just who in Maretropolis are you supposed to be? Roswell?" She laughs at her own joke. "You really are foolish," observes the alien, "The name of Zim should be known and feared by even the most simplest of life forms." The pony chuckles, guffaws, and finally cackles. "Fancy yourself to be the mane event? You're even shorter than Humdrum. I doubt this will take too long, but go ahead. Entertain me, little green man." "You'll rue the day you challenged an Irken Invader!" declares Zim. "FIGHT!" Despite the announcer's call, Mane-iac opts to lounge on a pile of her own mane like a sofa. Zim, however, rapidly advances. His mechanical limbs make a lot of whirring noises as they step along. Mane-iac yawns as one of her long split ends picks up a nearby mailbox and tosses it with little effort. Zim smirks at the effort. His retractable metal legs retreat into his PAK as he somersaults underneath the path of the incoming mailbox. He lands in a pose before he continues running bipedally. He proceeds to leap up into a flying kick straight out of a kung fu movie. Mane-iac finally gets up from her "sofa" and whips a couple tentacle-shaped follicles at the incoming Irken. After a few swiveling noises, Zim finds himself suspended in the air by the coils. He grunts and squirms in frustration against his bindings. "Time for the mane entertainment," says Mane-iac with a laugh. She then proceeds to slam Zim against the ground. Then he's lifted back up and whipped into the wall above her. She swings him back and forth several times over. All the while, Zim is screaming in the only way he can: obnoxiously. Though, each scream is interrupted by an "oof" with each collision with either pavement or brick. One more of Zim's screams follows the path that Mane-iac finally releases and throws him... all the way to a light post. It bends at a comically accurate outline of Zim's body before he falls to the sidewalk. He lifts a hand to his chest as he slowly straightens up. "Ugh... my squeedily spooch." "Ready for mane 2?" cackles Mane-iac. Oh, come on! That pun wasn't even properly placed. Seeing as the combatants can't hear the computer's thoughts, Mane-iac proceeds to toss Zim upward without interruption. Zim grunts in determination as two spots on his PAK suddenly emit two plumes. He floats through the air at his own pace and leisure. It just so happens to be a fast and circular path. To reduce the distance in altitudes, Mane-iac grabs her way up the side of the building via her whips for hair. She lands dramatically on one of the flat rooftops. Then, one of her split ends grabs a nearby ventilation fan blade and tosses it. Zim spins out of the way as another point extends out of his PAK and lights up. Red laser blasts shoot from this point. The Mane-iac's eyes widen in surprise. Several pieces of her mane fall off with burn marks. "M...My mane... My mane!" she cries out. Zim flies in close with a blast charging up from his laser shooter. "Victory!" he shouts as a whole lot of red sends Mane-iac over the roof's edge. She continues to sob about her mane all the way down. Eventually, she crashes into and completely demolishes the top of a dumpster. A nearby cat hisses before scampering away. Zim laughs maniacally before his jet boosters take him away. "K.O.!" ---Death Battle--- Now that was a hair-raising experience. *facehoof* Please tell me you did not do that on purpose. Zim was pretty good when it came to out maneuvering direct assaults. But his arrogance got the better of him when he got all tangled up. Still, that pummeling was nothing compared to the time that he was literally skinned alive by a paranoid head lice exterminator. Mane-iac's arsenal usually consists of her own hair and whatever the streets of Maretropolis have to offer her. Unfortunately for her, that pales in comparison to the advanced technology that Zim utilizes on a regular basis. And while Irken skin is weak against water and food, the supervillain's hair is vulnerable to any of the other hazards that normal hair is like fire, wind damage, and electric overloads. Would you say that this was Mane-iac's bad hair day? Hell yeah! The winner is Zim. ---Death Battle--- Next time on Death Battle... Requested three times over... The cunning masters of power... Capturing princesses and tossing them aside... Just remember: You asked for it. *A golden triangle shines against the black background. It turns around and changes to look like a necklace with a unique pattern engraved on it.* ---