“Mrmmfff...” Rainbow Dash stirred in her sleep, doing little hoofy-kicks beneath her skirts. “Mrngnhhh...” More hoofy-kicks. “Ssnngh... S'gonna be a long time, Roarke... gotta... gotta catch...”
“Rainbow...” A burgundy hoof shook her. “Rainbow!”
“Muhh?” Rainbow's ruby eyes fluttered open. She squinted across the coach.
Ebon's shadow stood out against the daylight beyond the wagon's entrance. “Time to wake up, Rainbow.”
“Ah... ah jeez...” Rainbow grimaced slightly, smoothing the wrinkles out in her gown. “I wasn't... like... moving in my sleep, was I?”
Ebon's curved ever so slightly. “A little bit.”
“Meh...” Rainbow stood up, cracking the joints in her neck. “I'm sooooooo not used to going this long without flying.” She yawned. “Guess I had to make up for it in my dreams.”
“Shhhhhhhhhhh...” Arcanista quietly insisted.
Rainbow glanced across the way at the Duchess and her two servants. Then she looked at Kera who was peering out the entrance. “Why's it so quiet all of the sudden?” She blinked. “And why's the stagecoach moving so slowly?”
Kera looked back. “Because....” She tugged at the velvet curtain. The bright world came into focus, and Rainbow saw a convergence of dirt highways, filled to the brim with gridlocked wagon traffic. Beyond all of the carts and vehicles, there was a jutting split in the mountainous terrain. A miniature stone fortress flanked a series of checkpoints below the steep cliffs, and several companies of armored reindeer filed up to examine each and every stagecoach that had arrived at the scene.
Above and beyond this, Rainbow saw what could best be describe as an immense stone door, perpetually parted down the center to allow the trickle of stage coaches through in single file. Several intricate engraving were carved into the pale surface of the door, depicting elks and reindeer and other creatures of the cloven-hoof persuasion. These effigies—as immaculate as they were in design—were vastly dwarfed by gigantic stone statues above them, carved into the edges of a steep ravine that led due east through the mountain like a trench. Enormous granite monarchs of ancient Val Roa kept a vigilant watch over the western plains, guarding the interior of their kingdom into eternity.
“Well...” Rainbow blinked. “I can certainly see where the place got its name.”
“This is the moment of truth,” Arcanista said. “If we can make it past this point, then it is smooth sailing. If not, then all of our work has been in vain.”
“Yeesh...” Kera rolled her eyes. “No pressure or nothin'.”
“I am being absolutely serious,” the Duchess insisted. “I do hope you've taken to heart all of the things I've taught you.”
“Yeah yeah...” Kera pivoted towards Ebon with a frown. “And I hope you remember all the things I've shown you!”
Ebon gulped, and his body took on several elaborate tattoos. “Absolutely, my Princess.”
“Excuuuuuuuse me?” Kera held a hoof to her ear. “I can't understand you!”
“Uhm...” Ebon cleared his throat and twisted his muzzle. “Dreit! Benzen feladremma sreen'hm thiul, Kera Tin Mehjj Xon-Nagu'n!”
“Heyyyyyy!” Kera grinned. “Not bad! Not bad!” She turned to smile at Rainbow Dash. “He's pretty good at mush-mouth!”
Rainbow face hoofed. “We are so doomed.”
“Shhhh...” Arcanista rested a hoof on the pegasus' shoulder and smiled. “Let's simply be calm and do our best.” She leaned her muzzle out the front of the wagon. “Carry on, Constable. The rest is in your hooves.”
“Pine cones! Let's go!”
An hour later, as the stagecoach finally approached a guard station, four bored-looking reindeer in armor stepped up, gesturing for the two wagon-pullers to stop. The soldiers' horns sparkled as they trotted apart, forming a half-circle around the cart.
“Alright... alright...” One held a clipboard, clearing his throat as he stood before the stupidly large moose at the front. “Nice wheels. Lemme guess, a southern province?”
“Pffft!” Jake grinned slobberingly. “We ain't hauling dead tourists! I can tell you that!”
Floydien gritted his teeth.
The reindeer guard blinked dully. “Buddy... I've had a long morning. Don't make me give you an even longer afternoon.”
“Don't worry, Sergeant!” Jake winked. “I know the way the military wind blows! Especially when it breaks! Pretty soon you'll be back home from your tour of duty, giving your wife the longest nights imaginable!”
The other three guards chuckled.
The one in front of Jake glared at them.
They cleared their throats and stood by at attention.
With a sigh, the lead guard scribbled on his clipboard. “Alright. Look, there's no traffic going in or out of Val Roa unless you're traders approved by the Safety Commission or are personally hoof-signed a pass by the High Council.”
“And what of foreign dignitaries, bright eyes?”
The reindeer blinked dully. “Huh...?”
“What, were you crapped out last year or something?” Jake coughed. “I'm talking about the Liberal Diplomacy Act, buckaroo! Ahem... 'Diplomats from foreign lands are granted passage in times of peace and in times of war provided they are represented by a Governing Member of a Val Roan Province.'”
The lead guard glanced back at his fellow cohorts. “This hairy lug for real?”
“Uhhhhh...” Another reindeer reached into his saddlebag and dusted off an old, thick manual. “Hmmmm...” He flipped to a page and pointed. “Hey! Here it is! The L.D.A. Last signed three hundred years ago.”
“Jeez,” the lead guard grumbled. “The things they forget to cover in basic...”
“Tell me about it!” Jake grinned.
The guard looked at him.
Jake grinned even still.
The guard took a deep breath. “Protocols?”
“Uhhh... yeah!” The other guard looked up from the manual. “'A visual inspection of the Governing party and the representatives they are accompanying.'”
“Right.” The lead guard pointed at the wagon. “How about it, tiny? Care to introduce us to your passengers?”
“Sir!” Jake frowned as he unhitched himself from the wagon. “I'll have you know that these are no normal passengers!” He side-strafed on thudding hooves. “This wagon belongs to none other than the elegant and all-wise Duchess Arcanista of the House of Sehlp!”
“House of Sehlp...?” the guard blinked.
Another reindeer spoke up. “Bountiful, Sergeant. South Central Province. They're big on textiles and stonecrafting.”
“Ah.” The guard nodded back. “I figured we were dealing with some dandies.”
“You'd better watch your mouth!” Jake frowned as he pulled out a series of wooden steps from beneath the wagon's front. “You're about to speak with royalty from a mysterious, foreign land!”
“Uh huh.” The guard slurred. “Out here, the latrine is about as 'mysterious' as things get.” He turned, blinking at Floydien—who hadn't moved an inch. “What the Hell is your problem?”
Floydien simply glared back.
“What, him?” Jake waved a hoof. “He's just a loyal servant.” He spun a hoof around his antlers. “A little too loyal if you ask me.”
“I wasn't asking you, handsome.” The guard pointed, glaring at Floydien. “I'm asking you. Speak up. Why haven't you moved? Don't you have royalty to present?”
Floydien's red eyes narrowed. “Floydien doesn't move for any boomer.”
Jake rolled his eyes.
“Wait... huh?” The guard tilted his head aside. “'Floydien...?'”
One reindeer leaned into another. “What's a 'floydien?'” he whispered.
The elk frowned. “Floydien says...”
Jake spun and glared at him, teeth gritting.
Floydien looked up at the elk, blinked, then faced the guards. He twisted his muzzle savagely to say, “I... do not get around much with... m-m-myself.” He exhaled as if having run twenty miles in a single sentence. “Yes yes yesssss...”
“Ain't that cute?” Jake spun back towards the guards, grinning. “He only goes where he's told to?”
“I'd say.” The guard grimaced. “The poor elk is slow as rocks.”
“Excuse you, sir!” Jake frowned. “Don't be rude!” He slobbered, “Back home, the word for it is 'retarded.'”
Floydien shot the moose a death-glare.
“Hmmm. But of course.” The guard cleared his throat. “Alright. Let's see your imminences already.”
“Righto.” Jake turned to the cart, but paused. He threw a look back. “You'd better bow, ya hear?”
“Sure. Whatever. Out with them.”
Jake parted the curtains then stepped back. He bowed low, nearly clipping Floydien in the side with his antlers.
Duchess Arcanista stepped down gracefully. Amidst the gray malaise of the highway depot, her coat practically sparkled with cleanliness. Nevertheless, she stepped onto the dirt floor without hesitation, flouncing her skirts behind her. In a solid train, three mares in plain brown drab dutifully followed, standing behind her—including an awkwardly twitching mare with a green mane.
Duchess Arcanista curtsied before the lead guard. “Sergeant, I am Duchess Arcanista of the House of Sehlp, representing the Val Roan Province of Bountiful.” She stood back up, smiling in a gentle fashion. “Please know that I take no offense whatsoeover in this delay. I understand fully the reasoning behind this routine search, and despite the ardent speed with which I desire to enter Val Roa Proper, I will endeavor to cooperate in every way possible.”
“That is very much appreciate, Madame,” the guard said, bowing slightly. “Now... I understand that you have some foreign passengers joining you?”
“Indeed.” Arcanista glanced across the way. “Constable?”
“Ahem...” Jake spoke loud enough for the surrounding herd of wagon trains to hear. “I present to you, Her Royal Highness, the heir to the Throne of the Xonan Empire, Princess Kera Tin Mehjj!”
The guards eyes reflected a silver sheen of light.
Kera descended the steps, one hoof-step at a time, clad in white silken tresses with blue-embossed swirls and sasshes. They perfectly complimented the dull blue lines etched into her peach-colored and freshly bathed coat. A green mane flounced along the edges of where it had been braided atop her dainty head. At last, a unicorn horn glinted in the sunlight, summoning a dim glow from within as several of Kera's facial tattoos flickered to match.
Several breaths gasped in the distance as Kera sashayed about, turned, and faced the guard with a haughty expression. She opened her mouth and liquid gold came out. “Mela'thenellasim runna'galumiel siulen threassa, Valromulien trenna dren'darr...”
Silence. Arcanista and her maidens were bowing. Rainbow jolted, then mimicked their humble movements.
The guards stared at the elaborately-dressed foal, then at each other.
“Uhhh... she doesn't speak deer, does she?”
“I speak many languages,” Kera slurred, speaking in an “accent” so ridiculously thick that it even made Floydien cringe. “But the foremost tongue is that of the great mother serpent, Nagu'n, whose breath fills the warrior leylines of us all.” She glowed her horn with emphasis, allowing her tattoos to shimmer in cascading blue waves from head to tail beneath her gown. “I have come from the faraway Empire of Xona along with my Royal Advisor Ebon Xon-Nagu'n to bless this kingdom and learn of its ancient ways.”
The guards blinked at her dumbly, then at the stagecoach.
Kera's eyes twitched. Stifling a growl, she tilted her head to the wagon. “As I said, I am accompanied by my Royal Advisor—”
“Dr-Dreit!” Ebon stumbled out, breathless. He scampered up to a stop beside her, fidgeting with his simple velvet robes. “Uhhh... uhhhh...” He stood tall with elaborate coat-lines blanketing his flesh. “Thiulen threatta, trennte, N-Nagu'n!” He bit his lip, trying not to shiver.
Rainbow Dash fought the urge to face-hoof.
“Hmmm...” The lead guard smiled. “No offense, Your Highness, but I don't think he should quit his day job.”
The other guards chuckled.
Kera blinked at them, then smiled. “Ohhh, you silly silly deer...” She clenched her teeth. “And your delectable humor.”
“Can't take the Val out of Roans.” The guard smirked before scribbling in his clipboard. “Alright, Princess... just a few routine questions, and we'll have you on your way. It's all part of the edict that allows you passage, after all.”
Kera glanced at Ebon—then did a double-take.
Ebon glanced at her and mouthed, “What?!”
Fast as lightning, Kera telekinetically plucked the chiseled horn out of Ebon's pocket and SLAPPED it square over Ebon's bare forehead.
The guards looked up.
Ebon stood even taller at attention, if that was even possible.
Silence.
Jake's beady eyes darted to and from the different parties. Floydien fidgeted and Rainbow sweated.
“Wait...” The guard squinted, pointing with his clipboard. “Did he always have that horn there?”
“Uhm...” Kera chewed on the edge of her lip.
Arcanista held her breath.
“Hey...” The guard trotted forward. “Hey! Mr. Xonan Advisor fella...” He narrowed his eyes on the glistening “spear” sticking out of his skull. “What's the deal, huh?”
Ebon smiled awkwardly. A bead of sweat or two formed.
“Well?” The guard frowned. “Speak up!”