//------------------------------// // 4 - Killing Time, But Not With A Knife Like Usual // Story: Poniocracy // by sunnypack //------------------------------// Chapter 4: Killing Time, But Not With A Knife Like Usual One thing you should know about Princess Celestia is that she is very fussy about where she puts her hooves when she sits. Not many ponies know this, but centuries ago, before Luna’s return, there was a diplomat sent from the Equinos of the Other Side of the Sand Dunes. They were a curious little race, looking a bit like breezies save for the fact that they lacked wings. The problem with these diminutive creatures was that they were strong. Built like ants, they were. They didn’t appreciate any reminders that they were small, or even worse, that they needed help. Offering to help them in their own land was punishable by death. The preferred method of execution for egregious offenders was being stepped on by an Ursa Major. Since the Equinos had developed a highly complex and sophisticated style of hoof-language, one had to be careful where one put their hooves. For example, one hoof shifted slightly forward, then another trading positions was coincidentally, ‘do you require assistance, small one?’. After spending two months on the Other Side of the Sand Dunes, Celestia became very particular with where she put her hooves. While some claimed that it was part of her calm and poise that she would daintily stride or walk with care, she was merely concentrating hard on where her next hoof would go. After all, Celestia didn’t want to be stomped on by an Ursa Major, no matter how sturdy an alicorn’s body was. Celestia had barely positioned her hooves in just the right way when a guardspony opened the double doors to the throne room with a resounding bang. Startled, Celestia inwardly cursed as her hooves shifted two fractions of a millimetre to the left and she spent the next few seconds trying to drag it back into the proper position. Unable to get it just right, she sighed and turned to the nervous stallion rolling his hooves awkwardly in front of his supreme ruler-deity. Seeing her nod, he quickly belted out the reason for his sudden appearance. “Your Majesty, Twilight Sparkle has requested an audience!” He spoke quite loudly with his voice echoing through the vaulted chamber. Celestia winced slightly as the guards at her throne chuckled at the skittish new recruit. At least she hoped it was a new recruit—it would be ever so embarrassing if he were an officer. “Thank you... Umm...” The stallion snapped to reality. “Sergeant Belt, ma’am- Princ- Your Highn- Majesty,” he grated out, stumbling pitifully over his own words. Celestia pretended not to notice. “Thank you, Sergeant Belt—do send her in,” Celestia replied dismissively. The stallion performed something close to a bow and a salute at the same time while he stumbled back out the doorway. Celestia felt an electric tingle work up her spine as she finally let what the Sergeant mentioned sink in. Twilight? Hopefully this will be interesting. —— Meanwhile, in the adjunct to the throne room, Twilight had trouble containing her wayward creature-thing that referred to itself as a ‘human’. She let loose a rasp of annoyance and growled, “Will you stop moving, David?” She followed by stamping a hoof in frustration. David glanced back at Twilight, but quickly returned his attention to the stained glass windows. “But it’s so interesting!” he exclaimed staring up at the fantastical artwork. Twilight trotted around and pushed her head into the human’s flank, knocking him forward towards the throne room doors. “The Princess could call for us at any moment! You don’t want to look like a foal, do you?” Twilight cajoled. The prodding met unyielding resistance as the human planted his feet and generally made life more stressful for her. “Hey, aren’t you in some of these stain glass windows?” David asked, pointing at the abstract designs. Twilight pointedly ignored the question and corralled David towards the door. “Oh, just move, will you? We have to make a good impression for the Princess!” she cried, this time taking a mouthful of David’s scrubs in preparation to yank him forward. David shrugged. “I’m still not convinced that I’m not hallucinating. Perhaps I’m coming down with schizophrenia? I’m not a medical expert by any means, but my doctor’s gone, so…” Twilight growled through her teeth and pulled the cloth attached to the resistant human. David shifted his weight the other way and infuriatingly remained rooted to the spot. Twilight gave a mightier yank. *RIIIIIIIIIIIP* It was perhaps unfortunate that the double doors opened at that point to reveal the two occupants that had been waiting in the adjunct to the throne room. —— As the double doors opened, Princess Celestia was greeted by quite the shocking sight. The two highly trained guards in the room opened their eyes fractionally wider, but nevertheless kept a stoic gaze. The court scheduler politely averted his eyes. A maid that happened to look up blushed a little and went back to feverishly sweeping the same spot over and over. Philomena leant in for a closer look. Celestia put a delicate hoof to her mouth and spoke two words. “Oh. My,” she whispered in the echoing silence. Twilight let the small piece of cloth drop from her jaws as she sunk slowly to her haunches. David slowly and self-consciously shifted his arms so that they now occluded the obvious. He suddenly had an idea. He bowed. “Greetings, Your Majesty. I hope you have enjoyed our traditional cultural greeting. We call it the ‘You Beauty, Mate’. It represents our willingness to bare ourselves both physically and metaphorically.” David could almost feel the palpable relief radiate from Twilight. Celestia felt a small tug of amusement at the corner of her mouth. “Is that so?” she inquired mildly, recovering from her brief bout of shock. While it was certainly unexpected, a few thousand years guaranteed that one had seen almost everything. David grinned and waved a hand. “Nah, made that up on the spot. Name’s David, what’s yours?” He could feel the relief behind him turn to abject horror. Celestia almost giggled. How refreshing. “I am Princess Celestia,” she graciously introduced herself. David smiled back. His smile shrunk as he realised something important and squirmed. “Oh hey, not to spring matters on the weird route to insanity, but you wouldn’t happen to know where the facilities are?” Celestia tilted her head. “I’m sorry?” “You know, the loo, the bathroom, the lavatory, the gentlemen’s needs, where one addresses the call of nature, the bowl, the chamber pot, the chunder box, the dunny, the W.C., the little boys room—“ “Yes, I think we get it!” Twilight snapped. “—the toilet,” David finished, scratching his side. Before Twilight’s fuse reached full blown conniption, Celestia interjected. “Head down the hall where you came from, second archway on the left.” “Thanks, Celestia,” David jauntily replied. He gave a gracious bob of his head, ignored an incensed glare from Twilight, and headed out to relieve the growing pressure in his lower abdominal region. The throne room became strangely quiet after that—a fact that Twilight gratefully capitalised on as she worked on getting herself back down to pony speed. Human speed was just too stressful. She cleared her throat. “Thank you for your patience, Princess. Please excuse David’s rudeness. He only just… woke up.” Celestia, having found the whole situation the most stimulating experience of the past month, asked the question teetering on her tongue ever since the double doors had opened. “Twilight, would you mind explaining what that was all about?” —— As David stumbled around the hallways of the stone-lined castle, he suddenly became acutely aware that he was indeed naked. Being a human of priorities, he shuffled the desire for modesty under the need for a toilet. He decided that clothes would be properly addressed once his bladder wasn’t fit to burst at any moment. “Second archway on the left, second archway on the left, second archway on the left,” David repeated to himself as he passed some fairly startled servants bustling about the castle. At one point, a mare balancing a tray of food tripped over herself and sent a pile of cutlery and edible goods tumbling across the floor. A quick apology and a bob of his head was the only consolation that David could give as he made his way to the gentlecolt’s facilities. A short time later, David found the bathrooms. They were in surprisingly good condition. He wondered briefly if he’d ended up in the women’s restrooms or if these weren’t actually public use toilets. He discounted the notion after double checking the sign, which curiously had the Mars symbol inscribed on its wooden surface. He studied the flushing jake briefly before shrugging and letting nature take its course. Suffice to say, if this story were to delve into the waves of pain and pleasure a ten-thousand-year-long wait for the loo could cause, words of any order or magnitude would not be enough to convey the experience. It would be such that the reader would be left wholly unsatisfied, if indeed that were something the reader would be inclined to read about... Prince Blueblood, who was also in desperate need to relieve himself, decided that after several long seconds of listening to strange sounds of moaning and groaning, that he would venture the risk of a trip to the other side of Canterlot Castle. The other side, as it were, where the other restroom was located. He didn’t get there in time. —— After a fairly in depth recount of the recent past and omitting the embarrassing parts of course, Twilight looked expectantly at her mentor who had taken to an expression of partial shock. “Are you saying that the strange creature that walked in here and addressed me casually by name was sleeping inside a lounge chair within the Canterlot archives since it was built?” Twilight nodded her head apprehensively. “Actually, I call it the Box, Princess,” she commented, shuffling her hooves. “And it goes by the name, David?” “That’s right, Princess.” Celestia’s tail flicked to the side as she pondered the next course of action. Twilight fidgeted as silence ensued. After a lengthy pause, Twilight spoke up. “Princess?” she asked tentatively. “What are we going to do?” Celestia was silent for another moment. Twilight could almost hear the gears in her head turning. “Well, there’s going to be an investigation.” “Yes, Princess.” “There will have to be studies done.” Twilight perked at that. “Yes, Princess,” she replied more confidently. “We’ll have to accommodate David—try and get him acclimatised. The poor thing must be disorientated.” “Yes, Princess.” “I could look no further than you, Twilight, to do so.” “Yes, Princ— Wait!” Twilight bit her lip nervously. “Perhaps there’s a more suitable pony for this job?” Judging from the small snippet of interaction she’d had with David, she was definitely jumping off this bandwagon. Celestia cocked her head. “Twilight, I have the utmost faith and confidence that you can handle him,” she replied with such confidence that Twilight felt her will melt like butter in the sun. She was the butter and Celestia was the sun. Twilight heaved a despondent sigh. “That human is so much trouble, though. I don’t suppose I could pass this over to the University, Princess?” she offered up hopefully. Celestia resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “You know what they are like, Twilight. All arguing over the most ridiculous things. They still believe the system is heliocentric? Can you believe that? Imagine the planet whizzing around the sun like that… Where was I?” “We were discussing David, Princess.” “Ah yes, I couldn’t think of a better pony to handle the situation.” Twilight drew herself up, shaking off any more doubts. “I’ll try my best, Princess,” she imparted with a bow. Celestia nodded. “I know you will, Twilight. I'm sure you will do well.” As Twilight left with a small blush, Celestia turned to Philomena and whispered softly. “I give it two days.” Meanwhile, David let out a huge sigh of relief. “Now that is one heck of a piss!” he called out, staggering out of the bathroom. He took note of the shocked expression of a well-dressed stallion beginning to enter the toilets. “Oh hello there,” he greeted, thrusting out his hand. He quickly took it back when he realised he hadn’t washed it. “Be right back,” he called back. There was the sound of running water and David reappeared moments later with freshly scrubbed hands. “Sorry about that. Where are my manners? Here,” he chirped jovially, flinging out his hand. The stallion stared at the hand before slowly placing his hoof in it. “Sorry, have to go, nice meeting you…Uhh?” “Fancy Pants…” “Fancy Pants. Right. Name’s David. See you around.” After a couple of quick shakes, David was off. Fancy Pants stared at his hoof and felt a shudder work from the tips of his ears, down his spine and through his tail. “It was just hanging there, in front of my face…” he trailed off, unsteadily making his way to the lavatory. The chunder box once again earned its name after ten-thousand-years of disuse.