//------------------------------//
// Chapter 3: Equestrian Shipping and Handling 
// Story: Agent Con Mane in Mission to the Griffon Kingdom (to be rewritten) 
// by Fairytail 
//------------------------------//

	“Try this one, will ya?” Said the Unicorn behind the shiny counter top. He placed a small plate with a single donut in front of the patron sitting on the bar stool. It was nearing midday so the breakfast rush had left the donut shop to continue their daily routines in upper class Canterlot. An old fashioned jukebox in the corner of the room provided a soothing saxophone melody and the large windows provided a scenic diorama of the corner of Celestia Avenue and Harmony Street. The towers of Canterlot castle could be seen dominating the skyline. The patron, a mare with a deep scarlet coat and a blue black mane, stared at the donut curiously. “It’s my latest and greatest creation yet! I call it the ‘Robot Dragon’!”
The red mare was in a fit of giggles. Donut Joe, the baker, stood proud and confident. He had a beefy frame, a touch overweight, and his white work shirt was already covered in dough and spilled jelly.
“Where do you come up with these names for your donuts?” asked the laughing mare.
“They just come to me.” Joe gave her a charming wink with his bright emerald eyes, urging her to try the donut. She gave in and took a bite of the treat. Joe could see a sparkle in her ice-blue eyes as the flavors touched her tongue. “Now how does it taste, Velvet?”
“It’s delicious,” Velvet said, “you've outdone yourself again, Joe.”
Joe removed his small white cap revealing a mass of uncontrollable hair that nearly covered his horn. He bowed theatrically towards his audience of one. “Hey only the best for you, Red. You’re my best customer!”
Red Velvet leaned on the counter and gave Joe a mysterious look. “Is that the only thing I’m best at?”
Joe cleared the lump in his throat and wiped the sweat from behind his ears. Joe and Velvet were good friends. She had been frequenting Double-O Donuts almost every day since the shop re-opened about a month ago after Joe had to go away for a week. He remembered the night he met her. It was the night of the Grand Galloping Gala. He remembered how closed off she was. She was the kind of mare who was vulnerable to her own fragility but tried to keep it locked away deep within. Joe could relate, he supposed. Everypony has secrets that they need to keep locked away inside. Velvet had only just recently started to open up more. She laughed more often and quit her habit of hiding behind her bangs. She still refused to talk about her past, but that was just fine for Joe. Pasts just complicate the relationship.
When Velvet realized Joe wasn't going to play her game, she reached over to a nearby newspaper that was left on the counter by a previous customer. She snapped the page flat in front of her and read the front page headline. She tutted.
“Anything good?” Joe asked while we wiped away the crumbs on the counter.
“That damn cloud has expanded again.” Velvet allowed the paper to fall flat on the counter and Joe read the first paragraph of the column.
‘The Griffon Kingdom to the east has once again expanded the range of the Great Storm Cloud to cover another Equestrian mountain range. King Gregor VI continues to assert that any land beneath the cloud is apart of his empire. Political negotiations are to begin between Princess Celestia and the Griffon King, focusing on territorial boundaries and the treatment of equines living within the Griffon Nests-- the name given to equine inhabited territory under Griffon jurisdiction.’
“Oi vey… those Griffons don’t know when to quit.” Joe sighed as he discarded the paper.
“At this rate, their territory will expand so much that that storm cloud will cover all of Equestria!”
“Don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, Red.” Joe assured her, “Princess Celestia will NEVER allow that to happen. Those Griffons may like to show off their military muscle, but they’re no match for the Princess.”
Without warning, Velvet playfully hopped on top of the counter top in front of Joe. Her Cutie Mark of three black ribbons pressed against the cold metal. She leaned her face in inches away from Joe’s. “But if they do invade… You’ll protect me right, Joe?”
Joe could feel the sweat behind his ears. The husk in her voice was heavy. He leaned in towards her until he could smell the product in her mane. Cinnamon. He was about to lock his lips with her’s until a blinding green flash erupted in between them. Startled, they both drew back. Velvet nearly fell off the counter in surprise. The light was being emitted by swirling green flame, suspended in midair. The floating fire coalesced into a shape. from the fire, a solid object was forming. It looked like paper, being burned in reverse. The fire disappeared and in its place was a bound scroll that fell softly onto the counter. The parchment was rolled up and tied with a blue ribbon marked with the royal seal of Equestria.
Velvet’s icy eyes were wide in amazement. “Was that delivered here by Dragonfire? I thought only the Royal Family used that. What’s a letter doing here?”
Joe’s stomach was as heavy as a stone. He felt the blood sink down from his face. A frustration burned in the back of his mind. With a grim expression, Joe levitated the scroll with his horn and unfolded the parchment. Printed boldly at the top of the message was the logo for ‘Equestrian Shipping and Handling Services’.
“Oh you gotta be kidding me!?” Joe blurted out in anger.
Velvet saw the logo and crocked her head in confusion. “What’s wrong? Are you expecting a package?”
“Yeah I guess you could say that.” Joe was visibly irritated. Everypony had their secrets. And one of Joe’s was the fact that he knew what ‘Equestrian Shipping and Handling’ really meant. His blood boiling, Joe lifted up the parchment to his face and read the short message: ‘Your presence is requested immediately. --MARE.’ “Oh for Celestia’s sake!” he exploded.
“Joe what’s wrong?” Velvet was worried . Her eyes reflected terror. Joe breathed to calm himself down.
“Well let’s just say…” he tried to speak calmly for her sake, “The Princess wants another delivery of donuts.”
Velvet wasn't buying it. “The last time you said that you went off to Janeighca. Oh forget the Princess, Joe!” She pleaded at him with teary eyes. “Just stay here! You and I have spent so little time together.”
Joe saw a sweetness rarely seen in Velvet’s eyes. They were usually so hard and selfish. He wondered how long it had been she had looked at a stallion like that. Joe reached his hooves out over the counter and grabbed hers tightly. He gave her his trademark smile.
“I already told those sweet and elites that Janeighca was it! I’m through with that nonsense. I’m a baker, and that’s all I want to be. So if the Princess wants to talk to me she can prance on over here herself. And maybe buy herself a bear claw while she’s at it.” To further prove his point, Joe held the scroll in the air with his horn. The emerald green aura that surrounded his horn and the parchment turned bright red. The parchment burst into flames. Not the magical green flames of Dragonfire delivery, but the red flames of destruction. Velvet smiled wide with relief. It was a beautiful smile and Joe knew just the thing to keep it going. “Now where were we? oh yeah...” Joe turned towards his oven and prepared to make another donut with a new recipe. As he opened the oven door he was surrounded by a brilliant flash. “Now for my next miraculous recipe I present you the…”
Joe reached over to grab his cooking tray but there was nothing there. The jazz from the jukebox has stopped and the air now smelled like old leather as opposed to freshly baked bread. A female voice answered the question in his mind.
“You’re in Canterlot Castle, Joe.” Joe whipped around and saw that the mare standing behind him was not Red Velvet. This mare had an off white coat and a black, albeit graying, mane tied into a beehive bun. She wore thick glasses and a cravat around her neck.
“Miss Raven?” Joe asked in bewilderment. He looked around. He was now in an small secretariat’s office complete with desk, a comfy couch and windows completely blinded by closed shades. Joe instantly recognized that he was within the offices of Mane6, Equestrian Intelligence.
“I’m afraid that letter wasn't an invitation.” said Miss Raven with dull disinterest, “MARE needs to talk to you.”
The anger within Joe boiled to it’s limit. “Oh heck no! You can’t just go teleporting ponies like that! How many times do I have to tell you I am retired!? The only reason I agreed to go to Janeighca was because I has personal reasons. I didn't do it for Equestria and I sure as sorbet didn't do it for MARE!”
Miss Raven patiently waited for Joe’s tantrum to pass. She looked at him worriedly. It was the same look that Velvet gave him just moments before in another part of the city. “I understand that, Joe. What happened to you a year ago… Nopony should have to go through that so nopony blames you for retiring. But this time is different. It’s not Celestia or MARE who called you this time. You have been specifically chosen by name to help somepony.”
“Somepony wants MY help?” Joe tutted, “They must be desperate.”
“Just go in there and talk to MARE. At least hear him out.” Miss Raven pointed her hoof towards the door on the far wall which was coated with expensive leather. It was a door the sight of which still sent shivers down Joe’s spine.
“Alright, fine.” Joe said, “But this doesn't mean I’m taking any jobs.”
Joe walked through the heavy leather door and came muzzle to muzzle with his former boss. MARE, the head of the Mane6 branch of Equestrian Intelligence, had served in Princess Celestia’s secret service as long as anypony could remember. He was a chiseled old war horse with a pale blue coat and wrinkly skin. His mane and tail were blanched white along with his proud mustache. MARE squinted at Joe through his half moon spectacles.
MARE sat behind his ornate desk. His emotionless stare was still as intimidating as ever. After a cold welcome between the two stallions, Joe sat down and MARE explained the situation to him.
“And that’s the situation as it stands now.” MARE finished the brief and puffed on a pipe.
Joe stared at MARE with absolute confusion. “But I ain't never heard of a pony named ‘Roseluck’!”
“Ridiculous, isn’t it?” Joe was having trouble making sense of what MARE told him. “Fillies do tend to fall in love with pictures of celebrities. I hear that Trenderhoof is very popular.” MARE mused.
“But pony slaves from the Griffon Nests don’t fall in love with ugly bakers!” Joe looked down at his impressive stomach and his short tail. “This whole thing stinks. It’s a trap, MARE!”
MARE removed his pipe from his mouth. He slowly blew sweet smelling smoke from his lips. Behind his spectacles, his eyes were meticulous and calculating. “Well obviously, it’s a trap. And the bait is the Griffon’s Grimoire.”
Joe blinked several times to make sure he heard right. Just to make sure he asked again. “I’m sorry did you say…?”
“Yes,” MARE spoke loud and gruff, “The Griffon’s Grimoire! You know of the Griffon’s Great Storm Cloud, yes?”
Joe anticipated this. MARE and his love for pop quizzes. “Yeah, sure. Whenever the Griffon armies conquer a piece of land they blot out the sky with that massive cloud of theirs. Then they go and call the conquered lands ‘Griffon Nests.’ I suppose it’s supposed to be a big ‘screw you’ to Celestia.”
“Correct. And the Griffon’s Grimoire is an ancient spell book that contains the magic that allows them to expand that cloud”
Joe chuckled to himself. “A book that can trump Celestia, eh? I bet Princess Luna and the New Lunar Republic would love to get their hooves on that.”
“Yes,” MARE wasn't amused, “and so do we.” MARE looked down at the files in front of him, searching for pertinent information. “When this Roseluck contacted Cloak Daggers, the Chief of Station (G) ‘Griffon’, and told him she wanted to defect, she said she’d turn it over to us. On ONE condition:” he stared at Joe intensely. “That YOU went to the Griffon Nests and brought her and the book back to Equestria.”
If Joe had a cup of coffee, he would have spat it in MARE’s face. Instead all he could do was tut in disbelief. “Why is the book in the Nest? Shouldn't something like that be in the Griffon Capitol?”
“The magic is most effective when it is performed at the edge of the cloud.” MARE explained, “Which is why the Grimoire was just recently moved to the archives where Roseluck works at. They’re planning on using it again in the near future. Still, the Grimoire, and the archive it is kept in, is guarded by SkyClaw, the Griffon military’s special operations team headed by one General Griselda.”
“And this Roseluck pony?” Joe admitted he was getting interested. At the very least he would poke MARE until his curiosity was sated.
“She’s young enough to have been born and raised in the Griffon occupied Nests. Like the rest of the ponies who are unfortunate enough to live there, the Griffons use them as a work force. Slaves more or less; although no political entity would dare go so far as to use the term officially. But she probably doesn't know any other life. She’s an Earth Pony with a rose for a Cutie Mark. Here’s a snapshot Daggers managed to get of her.”
Joe took the photograph but didn't look at it straight away. “And yet she’s willing to hoof over the one thing that could destroy their entire empire? With that book we’d be able to destroy the Storm Cloud. The whole thing is so fantastic, its just too good to be… true…”
Joe had looked down at the photograph. The mare was posed up against a railing in front of the sea. The wind was clearly blowing through her mane which she wore short and tomboyish; a style that had recently become popular with young Equestrian Unicorns. Her tail was long and straight but most striking were her legs. There was something about her legs. They were slender and well hoofecured. Her hind legs sat well under her flank and her haunches were well toned.
Mare continued, “Equestria needs that Grimoire if we ever hope to stop the Griffon’s advances. You’re already booked for an airship to the Nest in the morning. If there is any chance of us getting that Grimoire, we must take it!”
Joe hadn't been listening to MARE until he got to that last part. Joe rose from his chair and twisted his face into an angry snarl. “Now hold your horses, MARE! I don’t recall ever saying that I’d go through with this. I’m retired remember? I ain't a spy no more!”
MARE’s expression stayed calm and resolute. “You are the only pony that Roseluck will give that Grimoire to. All you have to do is this one last job and then you can go back to your donut shop in peace.”
Joe stamped his hoof hard on the floor. “Until the next time you feel like you need to drag me out to do something!”
“Equestria needs you, Con Mane! And she needs you. If you don’t help her, not only will she live the rest of her life as a slave, but so will the thousands of ponies the Griffons have taken over. Could you honestly life with yourself?”
Joe struggled for an answer. All he could visualize was Velvet worrying over that newspaper. He looked down at Roseluck’s photo. She was smiling. But then Joe noticed the sky in the picture. There was no sun, just a bleak, grey blanket.
“Well,” Joe hesitated, “suppose when she meets me in the flesh I don’t live up to her expectations?”
“Just see to it that you do.” MARE buzzed the intercom on his desk. “Miss Raven? Ask the Doctor to come in please.”
Joe scratched the back of his head. “Doctor? Doctor Who?”
“Our new equipment specialist.” MARE explained, “He was recently recruited from Trottingham. We don’t really know who he is or where he comes from, but his understanding of magic and technology is extraordinary. And that laboratory of his is something else…” Joe had never seen MARE so flustered and unsure of himself. 
The leather door opened. Joe was interested in learning what kind of stallion this ‘Doctor’ could be. He had half expected some sort of mad scientist with white hair shooting out in all directions or a freaky eccentric in a long scarf and a coat of many colors. But the stallion who walked in looked like an average everyday pony. He was so nondescript that Joe was almost certain he had seen multiples of this pony standing in the background of crowded rooms. His coat a plain ordinary brown and his mane, which he wore short and spiky, was an even deeper shade of plain ordinary brown. He had plain blue eyes that didn't shine or pop out. His Cutie Mark was an hourglass, a typical Mark that Joe had seen on hundreds of ponies in his life and could mean any number of things. The only remarkable feature of this otherwise featureless pony was the bright green tie he wore around his neck. A pair of plain black saddlebags bobbed on his sides.
As this Doctor approached Joe, he suddenly grabbed his hooves and shook them excitedly. “‘ello!” The Doctor said in a high pitched, chipper voice, “So you’re Con Mane. Honored to meet you, really. I've heard so much about you. I’m the Doctor. I’ll be supplying you with all your equipment that you’ll be needing on the field. I know you’re already familiar with the Magical Watch-- bit of an unimaginative name in’it? Magical Watch? I suppose I could come up with something more clever. WELL, I suppose I should have thought of that when I first invented the thing. WELL, going to invent I should say. Still getting some odds and ends set up in my lab so I can’t say I have much to offer just yet, but let me just tell you it’s going to be BRILLIANT! How are you by the way.”
Joe was left staring with his mouth open. Joe turned to MARE who had his eyes closed in what Joe assumed to be some sort of meditation. Or hibernation. “Is he always this… enthusiastic?” Joe asked.
MARE apparently chose to ignore the remark. “The Doctor has devised a smart little piece of luggage for us. We’re issuing this to all Equestrian Agents.”
The Doctor removed the saddlebags from his body and plopped them in front of Joe. “Right! Ordinary saddlebags, right? Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing unassuming. BUT! Check this out!” The Doctor reached in the bags and started pulling out various documents. “Inside you’ll find personal identification, most of it forged of course, a map covering all Griffon controlled territory,enough gold bits to last you months and just in case you need a little extra spending money you also have fifty ancient gold bits dating back to pre-Equestrian times. Worth twice their weight in today’s gold. Now that’s what I call bling!”
The amount of items The Doctor removed from the saddlebags was befuddling. Joe wondered how he would cram all of the stuff back in. He took the ancient coins from the Doctor and looked them over. They were certainly pre-Equestrian, probably two to three thousand years old, and from what Joe could tell they appeared genuine. But they were as shiny and as well polished as any modern bits. And there were apparently fifty of them.
“Where did you get these?”
The Doctor looked up with a guilty look on his face. “Bit of a trade secret I’m afraid. Needless to say it was a bit of a wibbly-wobbly process. Now then!” The Doctor’s attention snapped back to the saddlebags. He reached both of his hooves into one of the bags. He reached in deep and his forelegs were swallowed by the bag. The Doctor heaved at whatever it was he was grabbing but his grunts indicated he was having trouble. He smiled apologetically at Joe and MARE and then dunked his entire head into the bag. Astonishingly, he had somehow fit half of his body in the bag. The Doctor pulled himself out, lifting out some sort of wooden frame. Joe could not believe his eyes. The folded up frame at least twice as long as any pony and yet it was coming straight out of the saddlebag. “And finally the coup de grace!” The Doctor grunted, “Inside the bags you will find a folding, long-distance catapult. Just big enough to fling a full sized pony at least two hoofball fields.”
Joe was flabbergasted. MARE sat blank faced behind his desk, puffing away at his pipe. Joe felt it was on him to ask the obvious question. “How in Celestia’s name did you fit all of that inside a pair of saddlebags?”
“They’re bigger on the inside, naturally.” The Doctor answered casually. Joe was left even more confused. “But wait there’s more!” The Doctor pulled out a small white, metal tin. “An ordinary tin of hoof polish!” He opened the lid of the tin and inside was indeed oily, black hoof polish. Joe had half expected some sort of giant monster to come rushing out. “In reality a Zebra potion that causes temporary blindness. It fits into the saddlebag like this. Now normally, to open a saddlebag like this you undo the buckle like so! If you do, you will release the tin and be exposed to the potion. To stop the potion from exploding you actually turn the buckle so that it is upside down and then release the secret clip. You got it?”
Joe’s head was pounding in agony. He just wanted the Doctor to stop talking. “A bit unnecessarily complicated, but I think I got it.”
“Is that all, MARE?” The Doctor asked.
“Yes, that’s it.” the MARE said quickly. He must have been just as eager for some solace.
The Doctor began the arduous task of trying to get all of the supplies back in the bag. In end the end he opted to just let some of it hang out unceremoniously. “If you need me, I’ll be in my lab. I’d tell you where it is but it’s never there for long. Don’t worry, though. Easy to find. Just look for a big, inconspicuous, blue, wooden box. I’ll be inside. Just make sure to knock first. Good luck, Con Mane!”
The Doctor grabbed the overstuffed saddlebags by the straps with his teeth and dragged them out the leather door. When the Doctor was finally gone, Joe couldn’t help but smile. There was something refreshingly endearing about the pony.
“Well that’s a nasty little Hearth’s Warming Present.” Joe chuckled, “But I don't think I’ll be needing it. Not to mention that pony seemed a bit unstable if you ask me.”
“All the same take it with you.” MARE ordered, “Good luck, Con Mane.”
Joe was caught off guard. He didn't remember agreeing to the mission, but he felt deep inside that it was an inevitability at this point. He stuck Roseluck’s photo into the pocket of his dough and jelly covered baker’s shirt and walked out of MARE’s office.
Miss Raven was back behind her desk showing off her special talent of being able to hoofwrite full pages of notary in mere seconds. Joe approached her desk.
“Once more into the belly of the beast.” he groaned, “How in blazes do I always get myself wrapped up in these messes?”
Without looking up, Miss Raven hoofed a small envelope to Joe. “And one plane ticket. You got your work cut out for you in ugly country.”
“The Griffon Kingdom is actually surprisingly beautiful.” Joe said, “So long as you’re above the Storm Cloud. The way Luna’s moon shines down upon the ebony billows like a glowing sea of clouds.” Miss Raven rested her head on her hooves and closed her eyes. Joe always knew she was a sucker for poetry. “Course, unless you got wings you can’t really appreciate it.”
“Maybe I should get you to take me there someday in a hot air balloon.” She romanticized, “I've tried just about everything else.”
“Miss Raven, you know I would never even look at another filly.”
“Oh really Joe?” She smiled sardonically. The intercom on her desk buzzed.
“Miss Raven?” MARE’s voice spoke over the speaker, “Tell Con Mane to leave the photograph. I’m sure he’ll recognize her Cutie Mark when he sees her.”
Joe tutted and removed the picture from his shirt. “Sheesh, somepony’s got trust issues. Alright, then here you go, Miss Raven. Consider it a gift. From the Griffon Kingdom, with love you could say.”
Miss Raven giggled. “Good luck”
“Something tells me I’m going to need it.”
As Joe solemnly walked out of the Mane6 office, Miss Raven blew him a kiss and whispered out, “Allons-y.”