//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: Failure Acquired! // Story: Blood Rose, Reporting! // by Eyeswirl the Weirded //------------------------------// I flew as fast as I could, barring trees, in the direction I'd seen you zig-zagging, praying that you hadn't gotten eaten by something else already... Boss, once I found you, I almost wished I hadn't, because I was sure something really, really bad had happened. There were no monsters anywhere, no killer plants or anything, not even any signs that you were hurt, but I found you lying in the grass, crying. Not just "I'm lost and scared" crying, but the real, hard-to-watch pain kind. I won't ask what happened in there, but whatever got to you before I could, I'm sorry. I landed, walked up, and asked the stupidest, most obvious question I could think of. It was the first time I'd talked to you since the night you hired me and Nighty, but the "are you ok?" wasn't answered with anything but more crying, which made me feel even worse. I called out to you, I tapped you on the shoulder, I shook you a little, but none of it snapped you out of whatever happened. Not knowing what to do, I felt lucky when Zecora's voice sounded from somewhere in the distance. Still not strong enough to carry you and hoping you wouldn't go anywhere in the next few minutes, I shot off in the direction of the voice, seeing our favorite zebra not too far away from where you were. Flying back toward you, I mimicked her voice as best I could. Was I convincing? ...Not in a great state to judge, huh? Haha, I get that. I'm glad you got better, though, for whatever it's worth... So, you know the rest up to Rarity bringing you to the hotel? I almost got caught by Pinkie Pie while watching from the first-floor hotel window, but somepony got a pot stuck to their head and she ran off to help them. Whatever happened with that, I slipped into the room they brought you to via the window, sleeping under the bed until a scream woke me up. I was grateful to discover that the place Rarity brought you to was so fancy even the undersides of the beds were soft and cushy, or I'd have had a pretty big bump on my head. I shot out from under the side of the bed, noticed you sitting up and staring straight ahead, and shot back under it in the hope you didn't see me peripherally. I spent a good few hours of all this just trying to think of how I would explain things when you finally saw me, but "I was hiding under your bed" didn't look good no matter how I worded it. I really, really didn't have any creepy intentions with that, though, so please don't- ...Ekhem, r-right, good. Just, wanted to make sure, y'know? Aaaanyway, Next was the walk to Carousel Boutique, Discord, the roof, jumping with the cheat-gravity spell, Rich Manor, Spoon Manor, and Spoon Manor basement. This, by far, was the worst part of following you for me. Not just since the parade, but like, all-in-all, because this was the longest I'd ever lost you. When the magic door thing spun around? I didn't know it was going to do that or have any way to make it do it again, so you were completely out of my reach in a dark basement-chamber-thing where I couldn't even pretend I was doing something right, for hours. I panicked, I freaked out, I screamed at the walls, I tried to chip away the big, stone door with anything I could lift and smash against it, (why did they have a mini battering-ram down there, anyway?) but nothing got me any closer to finding out whether or not you or the fillies were even still alive. Realizing I might have just let two foals do something insanely dangerous didn't help. For the second time, I tried to get ponies to help me get to you by leading them there unnoticed, because I still hadn't thought up a good reason for my being there and-... Aw, cave ticks. I just didn't want to be seen. It was never about 'doing my duty' or 'sticking to the mission,' or even the guardian angel thing I'd completely failed at up to now, or if it was, I'd long since stopped doing it for that. Stalking you like some creepy, useless ghost had become pretty much everything to me, and I've spent the last few days proving it. I don't know exactly the point where that was what it was, but that was the point I realized that following you, watching you, staying hidden from you, had come to be more important to me than anything else; when you stayed hidden from me. So. Yea. Sorry. What? You know how it-?! Boss, I've been watching you since you hired me for the thing with Rarity, I know you never got so obsessed with something that-... Oh. Ohhh! Ok, yea, I see where you're coming from here. So you do know what it's like... Huh? Sorry, just thinking out loud with that one. Or not thinking. I'm better at that. Sometimes. Maybe-wait! Is that why you aren't mad at me? Because you've gone nuts over something too and- Right, right, 'no good to hold a grudge.' So, I tried to get ponies to come down to the basement to open the big door, but nopony in the Spoon household wanted to go near the place and nopony in town wanted to go into the Spoon household! I'm guessing if I went further, nopony would have wanted to enter Ponyville, either. Maybe it was because I was going by my usual method of getting their attention with a noise from the direction I wanted them to go, and that's a far cry from a compelling argument to go somewhere? Eventually, I gave up on looking for help and got back to trying to open the darn thing myself. No luck. I tried to get a horn with which to magic the door down by ascending to Bat-pony-princessdom. It was as I was willing myself to fuse with the shadows while hanging from the ceiling and singing a silent, orchestra-worthy symphony (I was scraping the bottom of the idea barrel so hard I was halfway to Chineigh by this point) that the door finally opened by itself, you and the fillies alive and well. My coronation would've been awkward anyway, I doubt I'd have let anyone see me. Anyway, I was so happy to get back to business, I followed you around in something of a daze, only realizing something was up like a minute after Pinkie Pie (she was wearing a potato sack on her head, but I know it was her) started dragging you in a much bigger potato sack. "This time," I said to myself as I swooped in to save you, "I'll do things right!" She had just finished with the funnel when I closed in, forehooves up and ready to flying tackle, then flying tickle her until she stopped and told me what the hay she was doing. I wasn't sure, but it looked like she was going awfully far if it was just a prank. Either way, I didn't get the chance, because she swung the bag of you over her shoulder at just the right moment to smack me into a wall. I don't think it was long before I came to, because when I flew up to get a better view of the town, I saw her tail disappearing down a staircase around the back of Sugarcube Corner. That there were so few ponies moving about that time of night was helpful. I darted down to the basement staircase, then snuck in slowly so as not to get blindsided again. Slowly, silently pushing open the door, I saw you already tied to the table. Taking a quick scan of the room and not seeing Pinkie anywhere, I moved in to undo the ropes and get you out of there first, figure out whether or not Pinkie was completely off her nut for doing this later. I hadn't even undone the first knot when I heard a sharp intake of breath right behind me, and jumped to the side, narrowly avoiding Pinkie's swing with the rolling pin. Which instead hit you on the stomach. Sorry. Anyway, apart from my obsession epiphany, I learned a thing or two that night. One of them was that getting into a rolling-pin-fight with an experienced baker is maybe not the best idea. More-so when you don't have a rolling pin. Another is that fighting Pinkie Pie is absolutely terrifying. Not just for the total-psycho face thing she was doing, but for the way she came at me. There was no talking, no asking what I was doing there, just cutting straight to the chase of flailing her hooves and the pin like a lightning bolt that took up swing-dancing. She'd stand on her hind legs, ducking and weaving in random directions while swinging at me from just as random directions. Have you ever seen someone twist their entire head around to whack you with a rolling pin? She was spinning in a circle at the time, but I'm pretty sure her neck bent in a way it shouldn't have and- ...Come to think of it, maybe she was just dancing? Like, from the moment she swung the rolling pin, it was her way of asking if I came down to the basement at night because I was looking for a dance party next to an unconscious pony tied to a table? That would explain why she kept doing actual three-second dances (she was particularly fond of the can-can that night for some reason) every time I stepped back to catch my breath? I don't know if I landed a single decent shot on her, but I made the mistake of thinking I was safe for a few seconds every time she did one of the non-violent dances. While she was doing The Worm, I glanced at the table you were tied to, and the next thing I know I'm face-down on the floor with jump-ropes binding my hooves and wings together. She smiled even crazier than before, said "And now, you take a nap!" stuffed a cupcake in my mouth, (which I didn't swallow, because I figured it was full of whatever she force-fed you just before bringing you there) picked me up, and carried me out of the basement, up the stairs, and to a closet. And, um... Well, here's where things get embarrassing... Quick as a whip with a sugar rush, she switched the jump-ropes for a soft blanket, wrapped me up tight like a bat burrito, and set me on the closet floor, which already had a pillow waiting. She literally meant for me to take a nap. And I did. Like a foal. I'll say right now that I struggled at first, I spit out the cupcake and squirmed and fought against the coziness of the blanket and feathery pillow with all I had. But after getting slapped around by a pony crazier than Screw Loose, not to mention all the energy spent trying to get that stupid stone door open, I had pretty much nothing left, and ended up succumbing to the warmest, softest, more comfortable prison I'd ever experienced. I know that's no excuse, that I should have shook it off, broken out of there, and stopped whatever she did to you when- ...What. ...What do you mean 'nothing happened'?! You must have gotten a good look at Pinkie at least once, her eyes all bulgy with tiny pupils, her face twitchy, her mane all craz-err, not crazy, but for her that IS crazy and-what, did you two just play board games all night?! ...Boss? Hello? ... Oh, you've got to be bucking kidding me. Sigh. You know, in hindsight, I believe it, because I got to talk to Pinkie a little after she'd calmed down some time the next morning. She might have been listening by the closet door, because it opened like thirty seconds after I woke up, her mane all puffy and the crazy face replaced with an apologetic one. We talked for a bit, the gist of it was that she thought I was some kind of anti-party pony abductor. The hypocrisy was noted. She put me to sleep in the closet because there was already a pillow there, in case of pillow emergencies, and she figured that bat pony or not, I probably needed sleep that wasn't upside down. "It made more sense at the time," she told me. I explained that I was trying to protect you and had spent the last few days sucking at it, she explained that she was trying to throw you a welcome party and had spent the last few days sucking at it. Even though I was still trapped in the blanket, we both laughed. She asked why I would try to protect somepony by staying away from them and not letting them know I'm there, comparing it to roasting marshmallows by leaving them out in the sun. I told her about how I'd first taken to watching you, how it grew into the obsession that led me to follow you day and night after the parade, pretty much everything. It felt good to tell someone for once, which might be why she asked me to tell you. That's why I'm doing this. Pinkie said that there's not a lot of fun between friends who sneak around and avoid eachother. When I said we weren't really friends, that you probably didn't even know my name, she replied "Well that proves it!" She told me that both of us, you and I, Boss, would be a lot happier if I quit hiding, that I should tell you everything I've been up to (I figured the 'report' thing gave it a little more legitimacy) and let go of my obsession. Well, I've done most of it now, but I'm not coming out. Haha, Pinkie probably wouldn't be too happy about that, but after all that's happened, I don't think I can even look at y-no, I don't you looking at me, more than ever. Because I'm a failure!! Haven't you been listening? I- You have? It's why you can do what? HEY!! What're you doing?! Is this magic?! Let me go, let me go!!