Spike ambled down a broad street, a bottle of apple brandy in one claw, his jeweled cane in the other. Twin mares in slinky dresses and high heels trailed behind him, swaying their flanks seductively.
A wolfpony exploded out of a house, snatching him up in its jaws and running off. The mares screamed and ran as fast as their heels and dainty gaits let them.
"Wait!" Spike yelled. "Come back, bitches! I know you ain't gon' run off an'...you betta run! So help me, Imma slap me a couple hoes!"
The wolfpony suddenly stumbled to a halt and skidded to the dirt, dropping Spike with a yelp.
An alicorn descended in front of him, concern in her blue-green eyes. "Spike! Are you alright?"
Spike picked himself up and dusted himself off. "Damn, my suit's all messed up." He looked up as he adjusted the lapels of his suit and swept his cape with a flourish. "Yeah, I'm alright. I don't know no Spike though. My name's A Pimp Named Scaleback."
"Oh. Um. Sorry...Scaleback."
Spike slapped her across the muzzle with his cane. "NO! It's A Pimp Named Scaleback. You say the whole thing."
"Oh. Well. Alright. If...that's what you want...Mr. A Pimp Named Scaleback."
"No need for the Mr."
"It isn't safe to be out on the streets," Fluttershy said. "I should probably take you back to the palace."
Spike raised an eyebrow. "Well well! That's what I'm talkin' about! A Pimp Named Scaleback is all yours, bay-bay!"
Fluttershy's muzzle crinkled at Spike's odd behavior, but she shook her head and lifted him onto her back, flying off toward Twilight's palace.
* * * * *
"Ink Blot's journal. Still no closer to understanding crazy mess around me. Ponies are crazy. Too much weird stuff going on. Need to bail. But where? How? Hrm."
"There is no way out," a voice said from behind Pinkie. She spun around, pawing the ground, the ink splotches on her mask writhing. She charged.
The figure behind her sidestepped, then lashed out with a single hoof, knocking her to the ground. "Calm down. I am not your enemy."
"Hrm. Not friend either." Pinkie straightened up, settling into a wary stance. In the dim moonlight, she could just make out a zebra with no mane in a leather coat, wearing small, round shades. The zebra regarded Pinkie stoically.
"Right now, I'm the only friend you have," the zebra said. "The Moontrix has you."
"Moontrix?"
"Come with me..."
"Hrm."
Pinkie followed the strange zebra down an alley, away from the bedlam.
* * * * *
Cloudsdale's annual Nightmare Night celebration was always a little boring for Soarin. Mostly because the Wonderbolts were expected to stand around being famous and didn't really get to have any fun. In a lot of ways, it was like the Grand Galloping Gala.
Thinking about the Gala always made him think about pie. The delicious apple pie he'd gotten from that one friend of Rainbow Dash at that one Gala, the only one that had ever been...well...memorable.
Thinking about pie made Soarin think about Ponyville. He wondered how much fun the little village at the foot of the Canterhorn was having right now. Probably a lot. After all, Rainbow Dash lived there, and she was fun.
At the first opportunity, Soarin slipped away, diving off the edge of Cloudsdale and gliding down to the ground, seeking out Ponyville. As he drew near the humble little town, he couldn't help but get the feeling that something was...off.
"Well hello there," a voice purred from behind him. He turned to see what looked like Applejack, the farmer and baker, gliding alongside him. Except...she was an earth pony, wasn't she?
...so why did she have batpony wings?
Applejack(?) drew up to his level. "Mmm...you're looking good enough to eat," she said, honey and spice dripping from her voice.
"Uhh...thank you?" Soarin said. "You're...you're not the same mare that sold me that delicious apple pie that one time, are you?"
"Apple pie? Hmm..." Applejack(?!) licked her lips sensually. "Oh, I've got an apple pie for you, big boy. Why don't you...come on down and have a taste..."
* * * * *
"Dayum, this is some fine-ass place you got here!"
"Oh. Well. Actually, it's...nevermind. You stay here, alright? I need to...I need to find somepony who can help me..."
"Hey heeeey, where you goin' so fast, sweet thang? I know you ain't just gon' run off an' not have a sippa dis here." Spike sloshed his brandy around.
"Where did you get that? You shouldn't be drinking that!" Fluttershy moved to take the brandy away from Spike.
Spike belched out a cloud of green flame which made her flinch. "I know you didn't just try to take A Pimp Named Scaleback's sip," he said.
"...you know...that...probably isn't as bad for you as it is for ponies anyway. I'll just...I'll just be going now..."
As Fluttershy flew away, Spike took a swig of brandy. "Damn. I lose more good bitches that way."
* * * * *
"Alright, talk."
The zebra paced in front of Pinkie for a moment before coming to a halt and gazing straight at her. "My name is Zecorpheus. I'm wide awake...and I think you are too. Or you're waking up. Either way...you've seen it too. You've seen how nothing is normal, how everything is...wrong."
"Hrm."
"What if I told you that this world and everything in it is an illusion? That all of us—you, me, those ponies out there—have spent our entire lives trapped inside a dream?"
"I'd say you smoked some bad hendrix."
"History says that Princess Celestia defeated Nightmare Moon," Zecorpheus said. "That history is a lie. Nightmare Moon controls the world. We live our entire lives in an endless dream, created by Nightmare Moon. Her legions of demon batponies feed on us while we sleep, keeping us docile. That has been the truth of Equestria for a thousand years."
"If we're all asleep, how do we make foals?" Pinkie challenged. "Story doesn't make sense."
"Stick with me, my friend, and we'll find those answers together..."
* * * * *
Soarin lay in the grass, panting and sweating, as Applejack flew off into the night.
"Best...apple pie...ever..."
* * * * *
"Aren't you gonna...you know...do anything?" Flash asked.
"I am doing something," Twilight replied as she unwrapped a lollipop and started sucking on it. "I'm eating candy and watching these ponies go nuts."
"But...I mean...shouldn't you be...you know...getting involved?"
"Why bother? There's enough ponies tangled up in this mess, and that princess told me not to hurt anypony. It's not like I can get involved without hurting anypony, and I don't wanna piss off a princess."
"Then maybe you could, I dunno, try to figure out why you have wings?"
Twilight looked back at her wings, spreading them experimentally. "Eh. Don't really care. I mean, they make me prettier...don't you think?"
"Well...yeah..."
"Anyway, look around! Obviously it's Nightmare Night. With all these ponies acting all crazy and all, this is either a big crazy party, or some kind of curse went off here. Either way, there's tons of unguarded candy, all for me!" Twilight giggled.
Flash rolled his eyes.
* * * * *
Fluttershy saw Thunderlane lurching sluggishly through the streets, his wings hanging limp at his sides. He was dressed as Commander Easy Glider. Having learned from her last few encounters, she landed lightly in front of him and assumed as regal a posture as she could manage. "Commander Easy Glider, are you well?"
Thunderlane looked up; his face was slack and drawn. "Are...are you a princess?"
"Yes. I'm...new. I'm Princess Fluttershy."
Thunderlane bowed; his knees wobbled. "Your Highness...I think...my magic's been stolen..."
"Stolen?!" Fluttershy's eyes widened. "Oh my goodness..." She lit up her horn, casting brilliant light over Thunderlane. A quick glance confirmed it: his cutie mark was gone. Her hooves flew to her mouth. "Tell me who attacked you!" she said. "Was it...was it a centaur?"
"Centaur? No..." Thunderlane said. "It was...batpony mare. She...she..." He blushed through his coat. "Nevermind."
"A batpony mare?" Fluttershy asked. "What was her name?"
"Never got her name. Her coat was...orange. She...so sexy..." Thunderlane dropped to the ground and began snoring gently.
"Batpony...orange coat?" Fluttershy thought for a minute. Her eyes widened. "Oh no...! Don't tell me...Applejack?!"
She conjured a blanket, which she spread over Thunderlane, then took off into the sky, leaving a pink contrail of butterflies in her wake.
* * * * *
Discord chuckled as he chugged a cola. "Oh, this is hilarious!" He looked down at Twilight, who was just sort of wandering around eating candy and watching various ponies chase each other around or do strange things. "Hmm...but it's missing something. Twilight Sparkle looks absolutely bored." He tapped a talon against his chin. "Hmm...what to do, what to do...aha!" He snapped his talons and grinned. "Let's make this party a little more interesting..." He put on a pair of 3-D glasses and dropped lower, tossing a pawful of popcorn in his mouth.
Down below, the ground began to shake...
* * * * *
The earth at Twilight's hooves split open, and a filthy, rotted hoof poked up out of the ground. This was followed by more of a moldy, rotten corpse, strips of ragged flesh hanging from it to reveal bones and tendons.
"Now are you gonna do something other than stuff your face?" Flash asked.
Twilight grinned, unlimbering her chainsaw, which roared to life. "Yeah yeah, let's do this thing..."